I feel like a slave

I am the only person in this entire house that does any cleaning. Being in constant pain makes it difficult to get much done in a day. Today I over pushed myself. My dryer had not been drying on a full cycle completely, so I knew I needed to clean the vent line out. Of course, I voiced how this needed to be done to everyone and no one cared. So I took my meds and tackled the job slowly, sitting as much as possible. The vent line was pretty bad and the entire back of the dryer was pretty caked with thick lint and dust. I did complete this chore. I now feel like I am dying as horrible death by torture!

My lower back, hips and TAILBONE are all crushing in on me!!! As if someone put a vice upon those areas and has been cranking it to no avail! UGH……. I took an additional pain pill and my Ativan and I am still being crushed to death!!!! I want to scream, cry and just plain smack the crap out of the other three adults here!

I am nothing but a slave here in my own home. I am the housekeeper in a home of slobs! I cannot take allowing the home to get nasty. I do what I can every day and usually end up hurting much more for it and with times like today, I will surely pay the entire weekend for what I chose to do. But if I had not done it, there could be a fire or the dryer would burn up and my pain just cannot do hanging out laundry on the line every day!!! I am certain, that I am the only person here with a brain! My adult son is by far the laziest being I have met. He is 21 and an insulin dependent diabetic who is also an alcoholic and sits around playing video games…… You say toss him out? I have before and I would right now if not for two reasons. I cannot drive in my medications so I need him to take me to the appointments and I have my 3 year old grandson who I cannot care for 24/7 due to my chronic pain and I need assistance. My sons girlfriend is the only friend I have down here and I often look forward to spending time with her. She wants to be a mother and a wife, but I keep telling her how you have to get up early and take care of your kid and husband and cook and clean and work every single day. Even if you are sick you HAVE to get up and do those things……. Not to mention how crappy my son speaks to her on a daily basis. I lived that for 16 years when I was married to his father. I had hoped, he would not be Iike his father and he wouldn’t want his girlfriend or wife to feel like his mother did all those years, but he is exactly like his father, right down to being an alcoholic!

If not for my grandson I would definitely be slamming the door on all the extra crap I have to do because of them. No more would I clean up and have more things piled on the kitchen counter or sink. I cannot continue this way. When I get a day that my pain is not so severe I do what I can to catch up on housework, but in general I am lucky to do the basics in any given weeks time. Then there is all the other things that have to be done to keep the house clean, free of bugs and items in working order. I just do not know what to do anymore. I am not capable of taking care of all the things that need to be done. I cannot afford food for myself, let alone to hire someone to help me. I should not have to do that when he is here for free!

So now, this entire weekend will most likely be horrible with me in bed and in pain I just cannot handle, all because I had to get that dryer line cleaned out so we didn’t have a fire or the dryer end up burning up or both! I have four cats and a dog and he has a dog. I only ask that every day he vacuum and take care of the garbage. Then also, to help with cleaning up the kitchen and the dishes. Because pushing the vacuum send my pain in overdrive and washing dishes has me bent forward which also send the pain way out of control. But he doesn’t do those things. He vacuums a few times a week and the hair builds up quick, so I sit on the furniture an dough the vacuum where I can. Or I do the vacuuming and end up wishing I would just die in my sleep.

Would you believe he just asked me to watch my grandson for thirty minutes until his bedtime so he could go to the bar. I don’t have a choice, after all, my grandson is my responsibility! I can’t eat because the pain is horrendous! This is what I have ate today: a bowl of steamed vegetables.

Ok, I vented….. Now I am going to sit on my four pillows with my grandson, then put him to bed and go to bed myself. Thank you all for listening, I really just don’t know what to do anymore. I do not want to lay in bed every day of my life. I push myself so hard every single day! And then there are the days like today, where I really never should of done what I did, and I knew it! Here comes the nausea…….

Out of the Depression Sump!

I feel good today! Yes, I think I have come out of the slump into depression! It helps that I finally reached my first weight loss goal as well. I do not loose weight unless I basically don’t really eat. Most days I have cereal and a salad. Now if I could stop drinking coca cola, I am down to two cans a day though!

My next weight loss goal should be reach in December! I cannot tell you how long it has been since I could see my own, ” hoo haa “, just by looking down! It is a wonderful feeling to look in the mirror and see a much more flattened stomach. I fit in the clothes I wore back in 2006, when I had lost a bunch of weight. Too bad I didn’t keep more of those clothes though. I just didn’t think I would ever be able to wear them again. I found clearance dresses and some at good will, I just need to take them up, since they all are so darn long. I feel way too hot with a dress down to my ankles! I will definitely need pants for winter time though. I always wore sweat pants since I could fluctuate in weight and still be comfortable. Now everything falls off me. That is such a good feeling.

All I need to do I make myself drink water all day! I have a great Brita water bottle, I just need to push myself to be drinking it instead of grabbing a soda or a green tea with citrus. I do love Lipton green tea with citrus though. I cannot drink or eat anything with fake sugar in it. It took years to figure it out, but I found I get sick and have horrible headaches from all the fake sugars. Real sugar doesn’t hurt me at all so I just stick with that! I have had one day a week where I eat over my allotted 1450 calories a day. But it hasn’t stopped the weight loss so I figure my body must need it.

So today I am going forward with a smile on my face and I will accomplish some of the much needed household chores today! I know I have to take it slow and easy with lots of breaks, but as long as I do that, I can make it through without horrible pain landed me back in bed!

Anxiety is high when ever I have an appointment!

I have a doctors appointment this morning. Every time I have an appointment I have trouble sleeping the night before. My anxiety raises and I can shut off my mind. As I sit here is so much pain I could just scream, wondering how I am going to get dressed, then to the doctor and then the waiting on the doctor and home again.

I am sure it doesn’t help that I only ate a bowl of cereal yesterday. The day before that I ate a bowl of cereal and a salad. I have dropped 36 pounds. I can’t eat all day because the pain makes my stomach upset. When you don’t have much money to buy food with, you do not have many choices either. All the cheap stuff is not good for you at all!

I guess my entire life will be ruled by anxiety and panic. I try not to have more than one appointment a week because of the anxiety I go through just to have that one appointment!

I have to consciously not clench my teeth down, to take deep rhythmic breaths and to focus on relaxing my entire body. Ugh, I wish I could just go back to bed!

In the depths of Despair!!!

My mind just cannot handle stress or crap happening. When I get too much crap happening, I go straight to the abyss of darkness! And boy have I been struggling these last few days. This time, instead of being in bed and not wanting to live, I am really pissed off and tired of this horrible life! As if struggling every single day of my life for years with horrible severe pain was not enough!!!

I am lacking a support system. I live far away from my parents and siblings and their families. The people in my household are not supportive! I find myself feeling alone, lonely and trapped! Depression and anxiety and negative thoughts all jack up my already intolerable pain levels too!

I never wanted to be away from my family. I originally moved here because my parents moved here and I was getting divorced with two kids and no where to go! They moved to Florida to retire. I don’t have any friends here, well I have one but I never see her. My best friend is states away. The people here are all so negative, rude and disrespectful that I hate even going to the store for something! I miss my dream home I had when I lived by my best friend. In the country on 12 acres and so very quiet! Great place for anyone with panic and anxiety disorders. You could go to the pharmacy, the store and the post office and never wait in line. Everyone knew your name and they were all very friendly! But my 2nd husband decided to do drugs and screw women at work and not come home. Ugh, so tired of men promising me the world then stripping all I worked for away from me! I just wanted to be with one man my entire life. Grow old together and never have to worry about dating or catching a disease. I put up with horrible things from that man for 16 years too! I never cheated on him! Should have!

As you can see I am in a state of despair. My mind is all over the place on all the things that have hurt me and are hurting me. I worked so hard for so long just to find a way to make it through each day. There is a delicate balance to my emotional being. When something tips it off balance, look out. I have been staying in my room because everyone pisses me off. The laziness and lack of common sense. I feel myself on the edge of snapping and I do not want to do or say something I cannot take back. But I need to keep my mind busy so I don’t focus on the horrible pain or even my anger and depression. Part of me wants to go to bed and never wake up! The other part wants to find something I can do that will occupy my mind and not cause me more pain! Not much for options there. It’s way too hot and humid outside, I cannot tolerate it hot and humid or cold. Increases the lovely pain. So anything outdoors if out. I have a shed with all my crafting stuff but I can only be out there fall – spring. Stuck in this house and in my room so I don’t flip out on the lazy people here. Kitchen desperately needs to be cleaned. I hate how they all just let it sit there until I drag a chair to the kitchen and clean it myself. Assholes! But if I go out there, oh it will not be pretty! Already cleaned my room and closet. Each took an entire day because I have to sit and take a ton of breaks or end up crying in pain. I guess it will be my bathroom then. It will take all day due to my pain, but it will help occupy my mind.

I find it just so darn funny when someone says how they want a baby and to be married so bad, but they cannot clean up the house they live in or really be a parent to the child that is in the house. I want to run away. I always feel the deep desire to run away when things are like they are now. I know it will not change anything. You cannot run from your own despair and emotions. But I still get the urge to take off. Everyone here would live in filth and nastiness. Ugh! I just want to slap them in the face and say wake the help up and do something about the mess in this place that you ALL made! Not me, I have been in my room, the only room that is clean!

Ranting…….

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. My pain level was off the charts and the stress, of all the things that occurred in that day, sent me spiraling down quickly. Stress increases pain levels and brings on deep bouts of severe depression in me. I felt like I was going to snap. I did not want to say or do something to my innocent family members, so I informed them how I was feeling and then told them that I was going to stay in my room all day so I did not go off on them when they did not deserve it. Then I was going to just go to bed, but my anger was so high I couldn’t be still, regardless of the pain being way up. I chose to clean out my closet. That would occupy my mind, which I desperately needed, and keep me moving. Of course, it took the entire day because I had to sit and take breaks often and I had to move slowly. But I did complete the task, then I was in so much pain and my mind no longer occupied, that I was in tears. I couldn’t even sit back in a chair.

A typical day for me goes something like this:
Wake early to severe pain, get up and wobble to the bathroom where I take my medication and sit down while doing slow deep breathing and very gentle stretches of my back and neck. I check my email and FB and search the web to occupy my mind from the pain as much as it can. Once I feel I can go back to bed, which is usually two hours later, I crawl back in my bed. Then I sleep for a couple of hours and wake to pain and repeat the process, except I don’t usually go back to bed after that.
Then I throw in any laundry that needs to be done. If possible I try to pick a chore to be done that day. Like dusting, but I can only do a small area. I have to sit and move slowly. (No one else in this house cleans anything, except the kitchen gets cleaned up by them on most days. Just cleaned up, not clean clean!). Many days I can’t even do a small chore. Often I find I need total peace and quiet so I end up in my room much of the day. My grandson is three and I love him to death but he just doesn’t understand and he climbs all over me, which hurts like hell!
Many days I have to take a two hour nap in the mid to late afternoon. I do not eat until the evening, since my stomach tends to not feel very well. Mostly due to the pain I have to endure.
I try to spend at the least the last 30 minutes before his bedtime, with my grandson. Then he usually will snuggle. Then he goes to bed at 10pm and I read.
I find that I can’t usual think of anything to eat and I can’t handle standing in the kitchen long enough to cook something. So I pretty much eat cereal and pickles.

What sucks is how I used to be. I cooked and cleaned and worked, while raising three kids. I always had emotional issues, but I never had to deal with constant agonizing pain like I do now and have for the last few years. I often feel like I have no life at all. I am sick and tired of being in so much pain every single day of my life! After these few years I feel it will never stop. There are many more things the doctor could be trying, but they just always push for me to get my injections. I have had a dozen of them and the most relief I ever received was for one week. I hurt in so many places and the injections can only be done in one spot at a visit. So I can suffer through the horrible pain of the injection in my tailbone and have relief from the tailbone for about a week, or I can have it done on my neck and maybe get a week. The ones on my lumbar and thoracic spine have done nothing at all. My entire spine is messed up. My pain is my neck, shoulder, elbows, down left arm at times, low back, hips, tailbone, left leg, knees, ankles and feet. Along with numbness in my three middle toes on both feet.

So yes, I often feel like I have NO life at all. I have NO support system. I live far away from my parents and siblings and their families. It’s just me and the couple of people who live in my house. My son and my grandson…… I am usually alone and hiding out in my room to avoid being hurt more or having to deal with attitudes, which makes the pain even worse. I push and push myself just to get through each and every day. Only to repeat the hell of life the next day, over and over. What a life! Now back to bed it is for me and my crushing pain…..

Waking to another pounding headache!

Yet again, I have been awaken by a severe pounding and crushing headache! It feels as though a vice is clamped upon my entire head and tightening and crushing inward. I know much of these severe headaches are coming from my neck. I have degenerative disc disease throughout my entire spine. My severe pain in my neck started after I was beaten from behind by over a dozen gang members that were going after my neighbor. I will post on that one day, that was in November of 2010!

I feel as though I will die of the pain before I can get it under control when it happens. That is how horrible it is! What do I do? I get up and wobble into the bathroom. I take ibuprofen and my morning pain medication and I sit there and do neck stretches slowly while breathing. Much like the simple yoga for neck pain poses. Usually I can gain control of the horrible headache after doing this for a little while. The stretching also interrupts the constant pain. On occasion though, I am left to fight it for hours. Thankfully, today I gained control over it in less than a half hours time.

When I awaken to this pain, my panic and anxiety run high. Who wouldn’t feel that if the woke to such terrible pain throughout their head and neck? Breathing is a huge part of regaining control. As with all my anxiety and panic attacks, I have found deep rhythmic breathing to aid tremendously in easing it down. Breath in slowly and deeply to the slow count of four, hold it for a count of two, then exhale slowly to the count of four or more. I spent years meditating and programming the word “Relax” in my mind while I was in a deep and relaxed state. Now I rhythmically breathe and see that word in my mind and I can calm down much quicker, usually!

I know back when the severe panic attacks took me over, in 1995, I wanted to die rather than live that way. It seemed it would never end. Eight months of pure hell! Only to return like clockwork every two years! Ugh! I fought taking medication for so long, only to discover the medication along with meditation was my only escape. It seems my entire life I have traded one thing for another. Once I was able to get ahold of the panic, I lost my son, I then had my husband at the time cheat on me and on drugs and then left, lost my dream home in the country away from people (people increase my panic) and then hit with severe and disabling chronic pain! WTF?

I can tell you one thing, never ignore your gut feeling! Mine has always told me what was going on, but I would refuse to believe it only to find out in the end that it was telling me the truth. When I would ignore it on major issues, it would push back against me and MAKE me open my eyes to the things going on around me! It was always like I knew what was happening but didn’t want to believe it so I tried to ignore it. Who wants to believe their husband of 16 years is off banging a gal from work and snorting cocaine! SMH! I listen now! It has never been wrong.

My adult son will ask me a question, then argue my answer. He drives me nuts sometimes. He is 21 and lives with me. He is insulin dependent diabetic, on an insulin pump and extremely lazy! He plays video games most of the time, but does help out with my grandson that we are raising since his mother left. Yes, my daughter is a whole other can of worms. He drinks way too much and doesn’t take care of himself any where near what he should. I often feel he is just trying to die as soon as possible. His father was also an alcoholic. If I could go back in time I would never be with a man that drank, that’s for sure! Young and stupid is all I can say.

I often wish I could just go back to being a kid and not having to worry about things or take care of them. We want to grow up so bad as kids. Then spend our adult life wishing we could be a kid again. I would in a heartbeat. As long as I could go back knowing what I know now so I could change the life I laid for myself.

Back in my twenties…

I was thinking today about back when I was in my twenties and younger. I remembered that I could not take a shower unless someone else was home. Even if I locked the doors. When I had tried to do that, I would be over come with fear and I would hear things and think I felt someone in the room or even saw shadows. Fear does crazy stuff. In my twenties I was married and had three children, but I could not take a shower if no one was home. Same was true for my teen years. In my teen years I was scared if I was home alone at night. I don’t know if that is normal for a teenager or not. Even as a child I always had big fears, mostly of things that just could not of been real. I would see a hand trying to get me everywhere I went.

In my forties now and even in my thirties, I did have a problem showering home alone. What was different you ask! Well, my son died when he was 16 and that grief and depression overshadowed any fear I had. I no longer feared death, I even welcomed it. And since then, I have been on medication!

Strange how every day something from my past pops back up into my mind. I ponder it for a while and try to figure out why it happened.

On an off note, I have been in horrible pain in my neck, shoulders, low back, both hips, left leg, left knee and left and right foot! I just can’t seem to find a comfortable way to sleep. It hurts so bad in so many places. It is like I need to sleep on a fluffy pillow to lessen the touch to my painful areas. I am going to try laying on top of my winter fluffy comforter tonight and see if that helps at all. I hate getting up every few hours to move around and stop the pain with medication, then go back to bed only to repeat it for most of the night and day!