Going Down…

I seem to be continuing to go down hill.  The intractable chronic pain just keeps getting worse.  I am barely able to do the basic clean up of the kitchen and what I do get done, is ALWAYS from my padded chair on wheels.  I am tired of constantly suffering.  Feeling like I am being tortured day after day.  I do not have a support system at all.  I need help, but there is none.  The pain just makes the depression worse…

I had my 3 month visit with my pain management nurse practitioner.  I asked about radio frequency ablation and they do that there.  First, you have to have a block done to the area to see if it will actually help, before they do the ablation.  Now I wait a couple of weeks for my insurance to authorize the block, then I will be scheduled, most likely in September sometime.  If the block helps the area, then they will schedule the radio frequency ablation.  That is where they use radio frequency to basically kill the nerve, but the nerve will regrow. One can expect 3 months up to 3 years of relief.  I have so many areas that need to be addressed, but first we are doing the two main nerves that run on each side of the lower back.  Since they never listened to me for over five years about my feet going numb and then the pain there too, even if they were able to uncompress those nerves. It has been so long, that I wouldn’t regain the feeling in my feet.  I just want the damn crushing pain to stop!  I get to upset at the fact they never listen to me.  It didn’t show in the MRI’s, I had to have painful nerve conduction testing done and yet they still have done nothing with that.  I said I need to have an MRI with contrast, because they are missing way too much.  I will push for that in December I guess…

I honestly can not keep doing this!  7 years of this painful hell!  The pain gets worse and spreads every year.  I cannot be on my feet walking, standing or bending without horrid crushing pain from hell.  I have NO life!  Now I can’t even do the basic chores that need to be done.  I find myself begging God to take me in my sleep and end my living hell.  I wish I could sleep, but I am lucky to even do that at night.  Sleep is my only escape and the only place I have a life, in my dreams.  I have struggled with depression my entire life and I have battled Panic disorder for over 22 years now.  Taking a shower is extremely painful.  I need a small shower chair that will fit in there, but I have no money for anything I need.  I force myself to shower once a week, that is all I can take.  I am hungry and of course there is not one thing healthy to eat here.  Every month the same food costs even more…

There is NO joy in my life, just pain and suffering.  I just want to be done with this life.  All of the things I have lived through, for what!  My birthday was last Tuesday, now I am 48 years old.  I feel 90.   Even sitting on my thick pillow is painful anymore.  Why…. Why must of be left to suffer!  If only I had the courage just to end it all., but I don’t.  How anyone can say that someone is a coward or took the easy way out, when they take their own life, really hasn’t got a clue………….

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The never ending Shit-Storm called My Life…

I am disabled with mental health issues plus more, but when I tried to obtain mental health services my secondary insurance (Medicaid) would not pay.  It took 2 months to get any response on the matter from the Dept. of Human Services here in GA.  They said they do not cover mental health services for adults.  WHAT?  Why was I able to obtain them for several years prior?  How is that even possible?

My pain doctor is requiring a letter stating why I need my panic meds in order to continue to get pain meds, my general doctor refused to do this letter and took my meds from me.  After two weeks of hell, my general doctor agreed to help me with the meds, but not the letter, until I can be seen by a psychiatrist.  I have an appointment on the 27th with a psychiatrist. I have no way to pay $40 every time I go to the psychiatrist, but I also won’t survive without both my panic meds and my pain meds.  I honestly don’t know how I have not ended my life yet.  Oh wait, yes I do, I am too much of a pussy to kill myself!

I told the Medicaid office that the federal government passed a law last year stating that Mental Health Services have to be covered.  There are limits, but I can work with 20 visits a year.  I supposed it will be another 2 months before I hear back on that.  You can NEVER get through on the phone.  

I haven’t had a running vehicle in 2 years, have not had a working oven in over a year and a half, my coffee maker died yesterday, my dryer is on its last leg and I barely survive every month.  I literally have nothing left from the $813 a month I get, after I pay the mortgage & house bills.  I am supposed to be seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor…

I GIVE UP!!! I can’t take this hell storm anymore.  I have tried everything, everywhere and this state sucks.  There is nothing out there to help me………….

That’s It, I Am Done…

My pain doctor said I had to get a letter from my other doctor that prescribes my anxiety medication in order to continue to get my pain meds.  The letter needs to state why I need to take the medication and that there are no other alternatives.  I am disabled with Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia, that alone should state why I need the medication.  For 22 years I have fought the panic with agoraphobia cycles.  Today, my other doctor told me that he won’t do the letter, because it will make him liable if I die.  After I explained repeatedly and cried telling him I have already been through every medication out there over the last two decades and I am on the only one that even slightly helps, he still refused.  Now my anxiety medication has been taken away and I am given antihistamines.  I already know this road.  First I will withdrawal which is horrible and then the antihistamines will make me tired and increase my major depression.  So by doing this, the doctor has now greatly increased the chance that I will end my own life…

I cannot deal with anymore crap.  I am already struggling to survive and barely able to leave my home for appointments.  My sister tells me I eat too much bad food and I will be just fine if I eat healthy.  Hey guess what, I have $200 a month to get what the household needs and feed myself.  I can’t stand long to really cook much either.  All she did was make me feel even crappier and more depressed.  I don’t know why I keep reaching out to my siblings, it is never supportive or loving.  I have three siblings still alive.  Not one of them can even comprehend what I deal with, since they have not ever gone through any of my demons.  They have never had panic or agoraphobia or depression or chronic pain, etc.  I read that people can survive even cancer when they have a good support system.  Guess what….. I don’t have a support system at all…

I am exhausted, warn out, too damn tired!  I can’t even see right from all the stress, panic, anxiety (yes, panic and anxiety are two completely different things) and crying today.  I have fought hard and long to survive, now it is time for me to rest!  I so long for eternal peace.  I mentally and physically cannot do another thing.  I feel drunk, yet I don’t drink.  That is what all of this has done to me just today.  I give up!  I shall sleep while I can, because sleep will be fleeting without my medication………….

Panic & Anxiety, Stressing Out…

I’m have to go to court tomorrow, in my divorce my ex was made responsible for past debt, but the debt was in my name, so I am being brought to court by them trying to collect.  I am hoping all I have to do is show the judge the divorce papers and he can sign off so they can go after my ex.  But……. Having panic, Anxiety and Agoraphobia I always freak out before ANY appointment and it always starts the day prior.  So here I am, panicking about having to leave my house, having to wear the only thing I have allowed in court (which will make me hot and I get ill when I am hot) and having to be around way too many people!  To top it all off… I have to do the once a month grocery shopping on Tuesday and I have a doctors appointment on Thursday…

I just can’t seem to get myself to calm down or relax at all.  My medication for panic doesn’t seem to be doing a damn thing.  My entire body is wrenched up tight.  I can’t see right, my heart is racing and my limbs feel tingly.  I barely get any sleep the night before appointments as well.  Heck, I only slept 5 hours last night.  I want to go to bed right now, even though I won’t sleep, just to get some sort of relaxation.  Why do I have to be like this???

I am also stressing about not having an oven that works.  For some reason I am thinking about Thanksgiving, guess I won’t be able to cook this year.  Stressing about the dryer, which is on its last leg.  Everything comes up in my mind when my panic gets going.  I want to stop thinking, just be blank…

Writing tends to help.  I have already wrote 6 pages in my journal, so I am trying to write it out here too.  Back before the pain, I would pace and that would help, but now I can’t do that.  I guess I will try to sit in the bath, then just go lay in bed and listen to a guided meditation, until the pain makes me get back up again………….

Major Venting….

I must have a sign on me that says… “If your a liar, talk to me”. I didn’t want a relationship or any man.  He came out of no where and wooed me, like no other.  He made promises I never once even asked for.  Then I find out he is a chronic liar and has done this before to another.  I deal with enough crap in my own life, why the heck did he have to pick me…

Of course, I do not want to be with anyone that is a liar, but it still hurts like hell.  I have never met a man that didn’t lie to me or that was even a man of his word.  I told him up front, right from the start, everything I deal with and how I wont be with a liar, cheater , etc.   I thought that would make sure I wasn’t hurt again.  I am so hurt and so angry that he did this to me.  What the hell?  

I am going to get fat so men just stay away from me period.  I am NEVER going to be in another relationship the rest of my suffering life!  It is hard enough to deal with the pain I live in every day, I can’t deal with this emotional hell on top of it.  It has been 5 days now, why can’t I get over it already?  To top it off, he won’t admit to the lies I have proof of.  Typical, if you don’t admit to it, it never happened.  I have been shit on by every single man in my entire life…  I struggle to survive every day.  From the pain, depression, no money, no vehicle and lack of any kind of healthy food available.  

My daughter got out of jail last week.  She is still doing good at staying away from the drugs.  I want to help her succeed, but my son won’t let me.  I am controlled in my own home.  I can’t pay the utilities and he said if I let my daughter stay here even one night they would leave.  Screw it, I am done with everything.  Leave then, I don’t care anymore…

The Present Moment…

They saying goes, that if we want to be happy and feel good, we need to remain inthe present moment.  Just this very moment, nothing else.  No Past or Future, no tomorrow or next hour, etc.  That is the secret in DBT, dialectical behavior therapy, which I did for 3 years straight.  The reason we don’t remember things, is because we do not pay attention to each present moment and what we are doing at that time.  It requires you to completely and only focus on right now…

Say you are sitting in a chair, you would describe to yourself exactly what you are doing right then.  “I am sitting in my chair, my legs are bent, I can hear birds chirping, I hear a car driving by, and so on!  The actual present moment.  The same applies to every thing we do. Washing dishes, focus on only that!  The problem is, I keep forgetting to be in the present moment…

We can only do the best we can.  I seem to have to constantly remind myself to just be in today, this hour, this minute.  Do not worry about anything else.  What will be, will be.  Go with the flow and flow with what may come.  It is a daily struggle for me.  Why does it have to be this difficult?  

For me, I have found my mental well being is effected by clutter and messiness.  So, every single day that my body allows me to, I do basic chores.  I feel like I can breathe better too.  I have to complete what I want done in a 2-3 hour window, after that my body won’t allow anything else to be done.  I have found I struggle every single day, in the evening, with depression.  When I have to sit with all the pillows and I try to focus on a TV show or movie.  If only my body would let me do more, to occupy my mind.  I feel down and ever so alone in the evening…

I do the best when I can keep my mind busy.  Living with Panic & Anxiety Disorders, I have become a hermit.  In order to keep my levels down, I avoid people and places when ever possible.  It took me years to figure out many of my triggers and years to stop paying attention to time.  Now I am stuck home even if I wanted to go somewhere, my vehicle died back in 2015, I have no way to fix it.  I also, am unable to eat healthy (which can help), since I have to eat an entire month and get what the household needs on $200!  Oh crap, this is what happens, the stress…forgetting the present moment…focusing on the chaos of my so called life…

It would be nice to have a friend just to even talk to once a week.  Someone to do something with even.  My so called boyfriend, that lives in WI, barely even talks to me anymore.  He lost his job and is dealing with depression, which I understand.  I don’t understand barely talking to me when he is the one that came after me, insisted we were the same and made promises he is not keeping.  Why do men do this crap?  Can anyone be a man of their word?  I am open and talk about everything, he insisted he was too, then why not talk to me about things?  So, he got my hopes up and then ripped the rug out from under me…………

…EXPECTATIONS…

I have trouble not having expectations of others and that always leaves me full of disappointment.  I was raised to act right, because that’s what was expected of me.  There for, I was raised to have expectations…

I have tried so hard to just let go of those expectations, but they are so deep inside of me, that they are automatic.  We can only depend on ourselves and thinking someone else will do what we would do, is great expectations of that person, which leaves us totally disappointed.  We only ever really have ourselves and we can only ever really rely on ourselves…

The Expectations of Others, Has No Place in Happiness!  Time and time again, I have fully believed what someone else has said to me or promised me, only to be greatly disappointed when they do not hold true to their promises.  Why is it so hard to NOT have Expectations? How can one really stop having expectations, when they were told their entire life to have them?  Act right, because the world expects you too!  Why couldn’t I have been raised and taught to only rely on myself?  That would of been a huge help in life…

We create our own reality, by the thoughts we have and the things we voice.  I firmly believe this to be true.  I repeat every day over and over again, “Peace, Love, Happiness and Joy”. When one is happy, everything else is easier to handle.  I have seen this to be true myself.  Even my chronic pain is easier to handle when I am Happy!  We think others will make us happy, when in reality, only WE can bring happiness into our lives…

Everything in life is a choice.  Yes, choices of others can effect us, but in our own lives we make choices constantly.  When to get out of bed, what to wear, when to eat, etc.  of course, things can happen that we did not choose, like a child dying or cancer.  There enlies the profound words of, “Everything Happens for a reason!”  This, I also believe, to be very true.  Sometimes we never know the reason and other times we do.  The reason could have been for another person or something greater than we can know in this life.  This is where your own spiritual beliefs come into play.  I believe we are our souls, not these bodies.  That we are just renting them for the experiences here and we go on after these bodies die.  So, what you believe can help you are hinder you…

We can only truly control ourselves!  No one else!  We can control if we choose to react in a positive way or a negative way to things.  We control our own choices.  We can NEVER control another, just ourselves.  We should not even try to control anyone else, this also leads to disappointment.  Because thinking you can control someone or change them, is an expectation!  All we can do is continue on in the very moment we are in and know that this is our own life.  Try your best to choose Happiness and always come from a place of Love…

I would really like to know your opinions of what I have written here.  Please feel free to comment them to me………….