How do you hold on to the light?

I am in a lot of pain. Yet my family just won’t work together to keep the house clean and in order. I don’t understand why everything has to be an argument. Why I am constantly spoken to in a mean and negative way. Trying to hold on to the light is becoming very hard. No support system. I feel deeply dragged down just by words and the tone they are spoken towards me.

I have to lay down often due to the pain. I try to relax and breathe deeply when I lay down and I quickly doze off. That is the only place I am able to get peace. I want to not allow these words to affect me and I hold on so hard to that thought but it is not working. I am trying to just accept that is how they are.

I beg the light to show me the way. Too guide me to pure oneness in love.

The pain continues

What can I say! I’m still in pain. The injection has cushioned my tailbone tip but I still feel crushing pain when I walk or stand. I do know it can take a week to fully work and this is just day two!

Depression….. Drifts in when you are in so much pain. Thoughts of how your tired of pushing through each and every day. Hoping for that to be the day you can walk and function at least enough to do some main chores that no one else seems to get needs to be done. And forget having the ones that say they love you actually really be there and not create more stress for you! Stress always increases the pain!!!

Lets see its been three years now if this pain. Some decent days after the first few months. Did pretty well actually until my son and I were beaten in the front yard by a gang after the neighbor. Since then I have been in pain Every Single Day! That was November 2010. And six epidural steroid injections in the last year when I read you should not have more than three a year! Lumbar was twice, thoracic once, cervical once and tailbone twice. Tailbone is the most painful by the way. Be sure if your having it done (because when you hurt this much you will try anything) that you have it in a hospital where they can give you some sedation. Because without sedation it is the most torturing thing you will ever experience!

Epidural Steroid injection – tail bone

In 30 minutes I leave to go have the most painful of all epidural injections – the Tail Bone! They have to get the needle through such a small opening so they end up jabbing around in there.

My prayer today: Guide my doctor quickly into the opening where he needs to be to release the medications that will stop the horrible crushing pain that prevents me from walking!

I will need a wheel chair when I arrive since walking more than a few steps is way too painful. They give me Valium & Percocet when I get there. Then through the IV they give me versed. Which is short acting sedation but it doesn’t put me all the way out. I pray that it does put me all the way out today. Also I ended up pulling a muscle in the middle of my back while trying to shower this morning.

The unrelenting Pain

The pain is unrelenting today. No breaks what so ever. It feels like my entire pelvis plus my lumbar spine and my tail bone are crushing inward.

I have taken three doses of meds plus a muscle relaxer and still the pain persists.

I have an epidural steroid injection in my tail bone tomorrow. Praying it provides me with relief.

Trying to find things to do when your stuck in bed is hard. Read, crafts (don’t have any), tv (don’t have one), meditation.

5am, again

Again I am up bright and early to take my pain medication and wait for it to work then back in bed I will go!

I have an epidural spinal injection scheduled for Wednesday in my tail bone. Last one lasted 6 weeks then the pain came back and made it almost impossible to get out of bed! Injections in the tail bone are the most painful ones to get. I have had then in every section of my spine.

So here is to hoping by next weekend I can get out of bed and stray out of bed!


Fall approaches yet again…..

I absolutely love Fall. The weather is amazing. The draw back to fall is that is when I tend to either become bed ridden or in a wheel chair. Sure enough, today I am unable to walk or stand without horrible pain. So I am in bed and it is very boring here! No TV!

My cat is pressed against my side. She loves it when I become this way. because she gets tons of loving petting. I think she can sense my pain too. She will settle down and sleep then suddenly look at me and meow until I pet her more. It is soothing to pet her.

I called the doctors office today and left a message. Their recording even says they call you back the same day. They never called me back, so I left another message and now I am sitting here thinking that I am just not worth their time. Do I go to the ER or wait until tomorrow. The ER will most likely only give me a shot so I will still need to talk to my doctor. But I may need that shot in order to sleep. I guess I will wait and see.

I am so hungry. When I do get up to go to the bathroom I have to walk hunched over. I cant make myself something to eat like this and the pain – OMG! Which sends me into the wonderful world of depression. What joy!