Test results…

I had a CT scan two weeks ago tomorrow and I was playing tag with the office trying to get the darn results from that scan this last week. They had told me 2-3 days for results, not almost two weeks! I received a message a little bit ago today from my doctor that read…………………………….
Message:
Hi, sorry for the delay, it usually takes a few days from the CT done to get the report!
Blood work came out NL except had borderline elevated sugar – I don’t thisnk it was done fasting and is should be ok.
The CT shows having ovarian cysts on oth sides but on the R side is larger. The CT is otherwise pretty NL.
Do you have a GYN physician who manages the cysts or if not I need to set you up to get pelvic u/s to take a better look at the cysts and see what else we may need to do about it.
Please let me know
Rassekh, MD
………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I had the scan done because I had a lot of blood in my urine and an MRI showed something on my right kidney. So, why is there nothing about the kidney but things about ovarian cysts? I haven’t even been to a GYN doctor since 2006 that was when I had my last PAP smear and I had never had one come back bad anyway, but now I am wondering what roll the cysts are playing in my chronic pain, etc.

I woke today with a crushing headache. I have had this happen before but usually it will go away after an hour or two. Not today, it is still with me and I just can’t seem to get control of it. It feels like my head is splitting open between both of my temples and behind my eyes. This prevented me from getting anything done today and I also took over a two hour nap. Yet, the splitting headache is still here along with the horrible pain I have in my neck and the pain in my low back, hips and feet.

My psychiatrist started me on a medication called Trileptal and he said it was to stabilize my mood. I feel screwed up in my head about an hour after I take it and if I take it near bedtime I cannot sleep. I looked it up and it is yet another anti seizure medication and everyone of them I have been put on either causes my depression to become worse or I get horribly sick from them.

Today started out badly with the splitting headache, then ‘B’ got up and wanted to take a shower and when I told him I had just got up and had a horrible crushing headache he went off on me saying that I wasn’t going to let him take a shower. I never said that and I am super confused over the entire thing.it would be so nice to just have one day where someone was supportive of me!

Chalking today up as a bad day and hoping tomorrow is a much better one………….

Coping…

I feel like I am in a torture device today. During ‘that time of the month’ my pain levels are so high it is all I can do to get through each minute of the day. I do not get cramps and normal menstrual pain, it just inflames my pain areas even more. My low back, hips and everything in between is crushing in pain. It is unrelenting to say the least. I am desperately trying to find something else to focus my mind on. This is a critical time for me to keep my mind occupied!

I have been slowly working my way through my home doing Spring Cleaning. With the increased pain I have had to slow down even more, but I still put in the effort every day. I have my stations set up. I work on a small area to clean, then I work on some crochet for a bit. I also try to draw each day and I make sure I write in my journal throughout the day. I know that during this time I have to lay down often, so I have selected a show on Netflix with several episodes to help occupy my mind as well. I can never find a thing I want to watch on cable. I have not had cable for a few years now.

We all need coping mechanisms in order to get through difficult times. Finding what works for you is important and then making a list of these things is also very important, because when you are depressed or in way too much pain, it is near impossible to think of what you can do to occupy your mind then. I made several rice packs that I heat in the microwave and apply to my pain areas. They are portable and stay warm for quite a while. I soak in an Epsom salt bath when my pain is off the charts. Anything at all that will pull your attention away from the pain is important. Nothing is worse than sitting around and dwelling on how horrible the pain is. I found that taking my medications on a strict schedule also aids in having some control over the intensity of it all.

Here is a list I have created of things that occupy my mind and give me a way of coping through the day:


READING
JOURNALING
CRAFTS- crochet, beading, painting, drawing, scrapbooking & sewing
PUZZLES- word search, crossword, 1,000 piece puzzles
CLEANING SMALL AREAS
TAKING A BATH
ORGANIZING THINGS
WATCHING TV SHOWS OR A MOVIE
APPLYING HEAT PACKS TO PAIN AREAS
SURFING THE INTERNET- check email, Facebook, Pinterest, etc.
LISTENING & WATCHING NATURE
GIVING YOURSELF A MANICURE OR PEDICURE
TALKING TO FRIENDS OR FAMILY
BAKING FROM A CHAIR
WRITE A LETTER
PUT ON MAKE UP & DO YOUR HAIR
PLAY WITH MY GRANDSON
MAKING HOMEMADE ITEMS- laundry soap, soap, healing salve, cleaning products, face cream, face wash, toner, deodorant and dishwasher detergent.

I painted one wall in my bedroom. I painted a scene that covers the entire wall with water and the moon and trees. I always wanted a mural on that wall and one day I just decided to take all my acrylic paints and go for it. I still need to finish the trees and then seal it, but it was a very therapeutic thing for me and I see it ever single day. It brings a smile to my face. I had never painted like that before and I was surprised how well it turned out. If there are things you have always wanted to do or try, go for it! We need to move past fear and embrace things. Doing something outside of the normal box is a great way to discover a true passion.

When I see something I would like to have, the first thing I do is ask myself if it is something I could probably make. Then I go online and search for videos on how to make it. I do not buy any jewelry, because I can make pretty much anything I find that I like and it occupies your mind away from your pain, depression or what ever you are having to deal with. I have always been very interested in natural products and I know a lot about herbs and their uses. Now, I make all of our cleaning supplies, laundry detergent, dishwasher detergent, healing salve, etc. I experimented with different recipes I found and then created my own. It took time to find what worked the best, but now I have my own custom made blends that work better than anything I ever could of bought in a store and they are all natural. Find what inspires you or what interests you. Everyone has creativity and using your creativity is the key to a more peaceful and happy life………….

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P.S. – it has been over 12 days since my CT scan and I have left several messages, but it have not been giving the results yet. I am just going to assume everything must be ok or they would of contacted me, right?!
>

Instincts…

One thing’s for sure… If any one of us unleashes our creativity, our
world will split open. We’ll find unprecedented ways of solving problems
and expressing our souls, and our lives will be forever changed.

~ Creativity Tips from Martha Beck

It never ceases to amaze me how animals have an instinct to care for their young. Even when they are very young themselves when they have babies. How they just know exactly what they need to do is amazing to me. My neighbors cat had three babies two weeks ago and one of them was born with an eye deformity and infection. I go daily there to cleanse the eye and treat it for them. The mommy is always right their when she hears her baby cry and she looks to me to follow her and return her baby. I do this as quickly as possible so there is not any undue stress to the kitten or mommy. I watch them and I am always amazed at that natural instinct. Mommy wasn’t licking the babies eye to keep it clean so I put some organic coconut oil on it every day to encourage her to clean it and she does. The baby has shown improvement, but I do not know if that eye will even be functioning. I told my neighbor that I would like to adopt that baby when he is old enough and he agreed. When ever one of his cats get injured he always comes to me. I am a natural healer and I know a lot about herbs so I have saved them a ton in Vet bills I guess. Lavender essential oil is safe and very effective on wounds. You would be amazed how quickly that oil heals even the deepest of wounds, especially on animals. I discovered that back when one of my cats came home with a large and deep wound in her side. I waited a few days to see if it would heal with her tending to it, but it had gotten much worse. So, I dropped a few drops of lavender essential oil into the wound each day and it healed up so fast I was amazed. She even has hair growing there again too.

I have always had trouble focusing and concentrating on things that do not completely capture my attention. Back in school I would have to read things over and over and even then sometimes I would still not have a clue as to what I read. I noticed that lately, even things I am very interested in, are not sticking when I read them. It is as if my mind just cannot focus on the one thing and there are so many other things going around in my head. Usually I am able to be mindful and focus on what is going on right now, but lately it’s been difficult. I am not sure why that is. I am going to go sit outside in the sun and focus my attention only on nature. Maybe that will help. We had a couple of chilly days here, but it’s back to sunny and 70’s now and I love that temperature………….

Mindfulness…

Finding a way to describe what you are feeling inside your body can actually be challenging. How do you put into words things that are beyond the scope of our vocabulary? Though assigning words to what we feel is an important step in the right direction.

In order to describe what we are feeling, we have to still our body and mind and dive deep within ourselves. This is mindfulness. When you quiet your mind and focus only on what you are experiencing. Slowly going through your body and noting everything you find. You are focusing only on yourself and you lock out all other stimulus.

Mindfulness can be done while you eat. You focus only on your food and you slowly chew each bite, really tasting the food and how it feels in your mouth. You apply words to this as well. For example, you may be eating a piece of toast. You smell the toast and note the words that come to mind. You take a small bite and feel it inside of your mouth and note the words that describe its flavor. You are focusing only on the piece of toast and all of the senses in your body associated with eating that piece of toast.

Doing these exercises helps us to explore what we are actually feeling or sensing and allows us to give words to what is going on in our bodies. Sometimes I feel as if I have the flu and it just won’t go away. That would be the broad description of it, but by using mindfulness I can go deeper and really explore what is going on inside of me. Focus on your feet and slowly work your way up through your body. At each part of your body explore only that area. Notice your feet and how they feel. Your toes, your heal and even the bones inside of your feet. What are you feeling? For me, I feel like the bones in the ball of my foot and the toes are all crushed together, yet the surface of my entire foot is numb and dead feeling. My feet are often very cold like ice. I wiggle my toes but they no longer move as they once did. I have the sensation of my foot being in a strangulating device that is being slowly twisted tighter and tighter. Really search for words that describe what you are feeling. Then, slowly move up to the next part of your body. My legs feel tight and strained. My range of movement is much lower. The muscles are hard bundles and I feel a pain that is like an ice cream headache going down my left leg. Continue this throughout your body.

You will be surprised when you are finished. You will find many more words to describe what you are feeling and you may even discover that what you thought was a pain in one area of your body, is actually coming from a different area. Really connecting to your body and actually feeling what is going on can be of a great assistance to you. Words are powerful. When we are able to fully express how we feel, we open the door to finding something that may help us.

When I began reading about mindfulness many years ago, I was often confused on how to actual apply it to myself. I wanted a detailed description of how to make it work. I hope I have given enough information her to help you begin your own journey into mindfulness. We all live life without really looking at what is going on around us. Being mindful is when we actually stop and pay attention to only what is going on right now. If you are sitting outside, feel the sun on your skin and the wind on your face. What noises do you hear? Do you see any animals? If so, pay close attention to them and what they are doing. Really look at them. Describe them in detail to yourself. This is how we begin to be mindful. When you get used to being mindful, you will remember things in much more detail and you will no longer feel like a zombie going through your days………….

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Sometimes…

Sometimes…… I feel down and the depression tries to push its way in.
Sometimes….. I forget that fighting it is the worst thing I could do.
Sometimes….. I feel bored or as if I know not what to do with myself.

In these times, I often feel alone and without presence. Empty and wandering around with no intent in mind. I wonder if others feel this way at times too. Do others suddenly find themselves in emptiness? Do others find themselves trapped inside the darkness? Is this normal? Is this a curse? Are we born this way, and if so, is there any possible way to be completely ridden of it all?

I have captured moments in time of happiness. I have worked hard to achieve peace. I do reap what I put out there, but it takes time and unfortunately, it is not permanent. The work must never end in Order to keep finding the moments of peace and happiness. Why is it so eluding of me? Why must I fight through so much in order to obtain a taste of the bliss?

Endlessly I find myself back in the darkness and hoping to see the light again. I do find the light again, I always have, I just wish it would stay with me. I realize much of this is due to my brain not working in the way it was meant to. That just a change in my hormones sets me off on the dive into the abyss. Yet, oh how I wish, I could just hold on to that beautiful light………….

Spring Cleaning…

I began the journey of trying to tackle some Spring Cleaning each day. I have to be very careful not to over due it and end up in bed for days, so I decided I would break it into one wall area a day and what ever was in that area. For four days I did this and slowly progressed through one room, then today the pressure is very low and a cold front moved in and I have been unable to tackle a single thing. Instead of being down about it, I am taking today as a day of much needed day of rest.

How we view things definitely plays a huge role in how we feel. I am accepting that there will be bad days and times of the month that I will be unable to get a single thing accomplished. Accept it and move through the day with out allowing a negative thought on the matter. Reward yourself for jobs well done, even if it takes you a week to do what you used to be able to do in one afternoon. Any step forward is a positive one.

We can be so hard on ourselves and we also may find it hard to accept that we can no longer do all the things we used to be able to do. Somehow and someway we need to come to terms with our illnesses and be alright with the fact that we will have some good days and we will have bad days. Learn to appreciate what we are able to accomplish instead of beating our selves up for what we could not accomplish. Shift the table and view things in a positive light as often as possible………….

Rhythmic Breathing…

I learned many years back that breathing slow and deep breaths in, then breathing slowly out helps to calm anxiety and panic. The key is to keep the count the same for the inhale and for the exhale. Breathing slowly and deeply into your diaphragm for a count of 5 or 6 or what ever is the most comfortable for you. Then hold it for one count and breath slowly out of your mouth for the same count. Just focusing on your breathing helps distract your mind and the rhythmic breathing calms your body, as well as, gives you some clean energy.

Even when you are not having panic or anxiety, rhythmic breathing is important. Doing small sets of rhythmic breathing each day helps keep your body and mind in a more peaceful place and gives you natural energy to get through your day. Breathing this way sends oxygen through out your body. Even if you only have a few minutes, you can benefit from rhythmic breathing. Give it a try and see the difference it can make for you.

Most people do not breathe using their diaphragm. How you become used to breathing this way is by expanding your belly on each inhale. This is actually the proper way to breathe. I know when I first started rhythmic breathing I was not using my diaphragm. My chest expanded when I took in a breath. So, the first thing to do is practice breathing and expanding your diaphragm. You obtain A much deeper breath when you expand your diaphragm. Ideally, you want to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, but keep it for the same count so in for 1..2..3..4 and hold for …1…, then out for 1..2..3..4. Once you get used to this type of breathing you will quickly discover than you can breathe in for many more counts. You are now filling your entire lung capacity with oxygen.

Rhythmic breathing quickly became second nature for me and I discovered that I did not like tight or restrictive clothing in my waist area, because it would not allow me to expand my diaphragm completely. When you go to bed at night, commit to doing a set of five slow and deep rhythmic breaths. Then when you wake in the morning, commit to also doing those same five slow and deep rhythmic breaths. Then at some point during your day, do another set of those rhythmic breaths. It is that simple!

You will quickly discover that the rhythmic breathing helps boost you up when you feel sluggish during the day. It helps you start your day and settle down at night to sleep. When something occurs that causes stress or anxiety, do a few sets of rhythmic breathing. You will not be disappointed!………….