Major Venting….

I must have a sign on me that says… “If your a liar, talk to me”. I didn’t want a relationship or any man.  He came out of no where and wooed me, like no other.  He made promises I never once even asked for.  Then I find out he is a chronic liar and has done this before to another.  I deal with enough crap in my own life, why the heck did he have to pick me…

Of course, I do not want to be with anyone that is a liar, but it still hurts like hell.  I have never met a man that didn’t lie to me or that was even a man of his word.  I told him up front, right from the start, everything I deal with and how I wont be with a liar, cheater , etc.   I thought that would make sure I wasn’t hurt again.  I am so hurt and so angry that he did this to me.  What the hell?  

I am going to get fat so men just stay away from me period.  I am NEVER going to be in another relationship the rest of my suffering life!  It is hard enough to deal with the pain I live in every day, I can’t deal with this emotional hell on top of it.  It has been 5 days now, why can’t I get over it already?  To top it off, he won’t admit to the lies I have proof of.  Typical, if you don’t admit to it, it never happened.  I have been shit on by every single man in my entire life…  I struggle to survive every day.  From the pain, depression, no money, no vehicle and lack of any kind of healthy food available.  

My daughter got out of jail last week.  She is still doing good at staying away from the drugs.  I want to help her succeed, but my son won’t let me.  I am controlled in my own home.  I can’t pay the utilities and he said if I let my daughter stay here even one night they would leave.  Screw it, I am done with everything.  Leave then, I don’t care anymore…

Beautiful Weather, Jacked-Up Pain…

It has been 12 days now since the injections I had in the bursa of my butt cheek areas.  The left side has stayed with increased pain and now I have pain all through the hip and top of the leg!  This is also on the right side, but the left is much worse…

I am tired of feeling like I am being ignored and pushed along at every doctor visit!  They did nothing when I told them my feet were going numb years ago and now both are completely numb, plus I have pain the feels like they are being crushed and when I walk it feels like walked on very sharp glass.  I have to wear shoes always and they have to be tennis shoes that are way bigger than my feet, because I can’t stand anything touching them!  I am slowly getting to the point of having to be back in a wheel chair!  Like is said, every single year it just progresses and gets worse!  What do I have to do?  I see the Pain Doctor, or should I say the damn PA tomorrow!  (I hate that). The pain medication does help take the very hard edge off of the pain, but they never give enough to actually give you a life…  While drug addicts seem to have no problem getting the drugs!  This really pisses me off!  While I lived in IL, I had to go through a ton of meds to find what worked for my Panic, Anxiety and depression.  I moved back to GA and they wouldn’t give me those meds!  Yet, drug addicts get them… WTF! I am so damn tired of it…

Hurricane Mathew came by, I am inland, but we expected very high winds and a lot of rain. We did get a decent amount of rain, but it was mostly a light rain fall for a solid 12 hours and some decent wind gusts, but no where near as bad as we expected.  Which is good, I worried about the dead tree in the back yard coming down.  When your disabled and struggling to make it, you do not have the funds to take care of anything!  

Tell me, how does one eat an entire month on $200, which also has to buy the condements and sugar, flour, etc.?  I am basically living on those $1.00 Party Pizzas, which does a number on my intestinal track!  I can’t even count how many mornings now that I have crappy myself!  IBS, which did not bother me for years, is back in full swing, all because I cannot buy healthy food.  I never eat breakfast or lunch, I eat crackers and fruit cups when the hunger pains get to me or my blood glucose drops too much.  I am Hypoglycemic, but not diabetic.  Hypoglycemia runs in my family.  Sometimes the hypoglycemia causes me a lot of problems and other times I can go months or even years where it does nothing…

Exercise….. Living with constant chronic pain, it is difficult to get any exercise.  This is why I force myself to clean up the kitchen, wipe all the tables down and use the light vacuum through the house every day.  That is the only exercise I get and it is painful, but I do it so my body moves everyday…

…The vacuum I had, a Dyson, was too heavy for me to use and I had NO way to buy another vacuum.  I wrote to three of the top vacuum places and explained my situation to them.  Hoover sent me a very lightweight vacuum that is steerable and super easy to use.  I recommend it for anyone suffering from a chronic pain condition.  Hoover Air Steerable, UH72400!  It has truly been a godsend for me!  It has a button to turn on or off the beater bar.  My house is just under 1400 square feet and the main areas are all hard floors with throw rugs, while the bedrooms are carpeted.  I have several animals, all of which I got before I knew I would be in this position of being alone and no money!  I am allergic to Pet Dander, so vacuuming daily is importent for my health. The Hoover Air Steerable picks up all the hair and even cat food and litter, while it transitions from hard floor to carpet all on its own!  I have always been a person that would NEVER ask for help, but now I am in the position, that the only way I will survive, is through help.  I don’t understand why the state of GA does nothing to help!  I literally have nothing left after paying the mortgage and utilities.  Yet, I can’t get help with the utilities!  How do I buy needed items?  Like toilet paper, DEODERANT, soap, shampoo and conditioner, etc.  I do everything I can to earn Amazon credits through Bing and Crowdtap, but that gets me around $10 a month and you have to have a $49 Oder for free shipping unless your Prime, which I can’t afford!  I wrote Amazon about that and they just gave me one $20credit…WTF!  Where is the help for people who are Disabled and Alone with no help from a spouse or anyone else?  I have tried everywhere and I do NOT have a vehicle!  My son’s girlfriend was getting me to appointments and now her vehicle has been broke down for months!  My insurance will give me 12 rides to appointments a year, which is no where near enough!  What about getting to the store and pharmacy?  I have rotten wood on my house, can’t pay to fix it!  The list is endless…

So there enlies the massive STRESS!  Which is also why I have been having Panic Attacks Daily!  Ugh…  In IL I was on Xanex, it works fast so when an attack started I could take one and in 15 minutes it would help me.  In GA, they refused to give me that and put me on Ativan, which takes an hour to work, so I have to take it three times a day to keep it in my system and I am still having attacks!  Yet, I constantly hear about the damn drug addicts getting Xanex.  I am ANGRY and just plain sick and tired of the crap………….

I Am Done…

I have come to realize that I need to just be done with everyone and everything!  Having Panic & AnxietyDisorder plus Major Depression & Chronic Pain, I NEED Peace, Quiet and Calm around me.  I have already been isolated to my house.  My son lives here too.  So much is needed to be done to my house.  The soffit & facia are rotting away.  There are cobwebs all over the entire outside of the house!  I get very ill in the heat and I am unable to get out there and remove them…  Almost daily, I find more dents and holes in my walls and appliances.  You guessed it… My son is an alcoholic with anger issues.  He won’t do any of the repairs here.  Which is one of many reasons I am going to eventually have to go live with my parents…

I have always had a big heart and cared way too much!  Every since the 3rd husband cheated and left, I have been cold and unable to feel love.  Why Stress & Struggle to keep my home, when it is like paddling up river!  I have to keep telling myself to just not care…

The ‘Darkness’ (depression) has been invading my mind and body for the last few days.  Most likely jacked up due to another sucky birthday on Monday and now the full moon!  I force myself to do the basic chores, even though it causes me more pain, because it is the only way my body gets any exercise at all!  Plus, I am allergic to dust, mold, mildew, pollen and pet dander.  Yes, I have several animals, because I always felt life was better with them…

Every single time I even think about all I have to do in order to prepare to move, I shut down!  I can’t handle any amount of stress anymore.  But my entire life is stress.  Lack of food, lack of funds, lack of it all…

Why can’t I just go to sleep and not wake back up!!!  I don’t have a clue how I am going to do the things needed to be done, just so I can move.  I have no energy at all!  The Pain rules my life and the darkness is sucking me into its pit of hell…

Depression sucks royally allow its own!  Then the Panic & Anxiety crap was thrown in there!  And now, the chronic pain…  So, I am done!  I am just going to make myself not care at all!  Some how, some way!  I try to occupy my mind by watching tv, it does help when I have a show I can binge watch on Netflix.  Ugh, I am so tired and so lifeless…

Fighting the Darkness of Depression…

I have had a bad week, as I often do.  I can’t seem to get away from the darkness of my depression and the thoughts of ending my torment once and for all.  What actually stopped me, my son.  I thought of him finding me and the pain he would go through.  I can honestly say that it is only my son that keeps me on this earth now.  I just can’t leave him like that.  He is 23 and chances are good that he will die way before I do.  You see, he is insulin dependent diabetic and doesn’t take care of his diabetes as he should.  It takes about 15 years to kill an organ with high blood glucose.  He suddenly became diabetic at age nine when a virus attacked and killed his pancreas.  The least I could do is hold on and be here for him for the rest of his life.  He is unable to hold down a job, because his diabetes is extremely resistant to insulin and is often off the charts or so low he can barely function.

I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts my ENTIRE life!  As if dealing with that and chronic pain was not  enough, I now find myself struggling and stressed out, no end, on how to pay the electric bill every month.  My old van has not been running well and the battery has finally died.  How does one get things they need just to survive, when one has no money?  It is all way too much for me to deal with.  At my age, I should not be in this position, but I married three worthless men, that I spent years building their credit and their self esteem, just for them to cheat on me and leave…

I have finally come to the point in my life where I am happy to be just me, without a man!  Yet, I cannot enjoy this!  I have to worry and stress and try to find things to sell, just to survive.  We get two actual full meals a week, because we can only get the food we can purchase with the Foodstamps we are allowed.  $300 a month for the two of us and the cost of food is insane.  I try to get fruit and vegetables, anything I possibly can that is good for us.  We eat a lot of rice!  I wasn’t raised to be like this or in this position, which makes it all the more degrading!  I am disabled and cannot work, for so many reasons it is nuts.  I rarely am able to drive myself anywhere.  I have to live on $810 a month.  My mortgage is $500 each month.  The gas runs around $60 right now and the water is about $75-$80.  The electric bill, this last month, was $305!  The insurance, I am required to have on my old ass van, is $78 per month.  How am I supposed to make it?   Ugh….. I don’t know what to do anymore.  I have called everywhere for any help I can find.  Where I live, there is not help available.  I do know that I cannot keep going like this.  I have begged my family and everyone I know, but no one can help.

So, the last week I have been extremely down in the darkness of depression.  I allowed myself to rest and not push myself to do anything.  Normally, this helps me get past it, but I am still here and it is very dark!  I have reached out to a few friends, just to talk, but I have been ignored or told that what I feel is wrong.  I know that if I did end my life, those people would feel sad and say that they wished they could of helped me.  I just need someone to listen to me and maybe offer up some words of encouragement.  Yet, I cannot find it, anywhere!  God bless my mother and one sister.  They have tried as best they can to be here for me.  They are the only two that even put forth an ounce of effort for me.   My birthday is Saturday, I will be 46 years old at 1:21 am EST.  I have heard people say, after someone committed suicide, that they wished that person would of reached out to them, maybe they could of helped.  I am willing to bet they did reach out and they found that they were really all alone, as I have found.  I have been told things like, “You are too pretty to feel that way.”  Really?!?  Or, “Comeon now, you can’t do that to the people that love you!”  

A year ago I was dying and had to have a huge surgery to save my life, because a doctor screwed up horribly!  My sister talked me into suing, but I can’t even get an attorney to call me back.  It is like everything and everyone just ignores me and I don’t even exist.  Honestly, the money would help me survive the remaining years I have and I went through a nightmare that never should of happened.  What do I have to do in order to be seen or heard?  What will people say at my funeral?  Will they say I didn’t reach out to them?  Will they say that they wished they could of helped me?  I beg God on a daily basis, just to help me survive with the basic necessities.  Food, clothing and shelter.  Just to be able to comfortably pay the required bills, eat and get where I need to go.  On top of all of this, my psychiatrist in which it took me a year to finally get in with, decided to just drop me because my insurance wasn’t paying fast enough.  I have glaucoma and have had it since age 29, that doctor decided they were not taking my secondary insurance anymore and would see me if I could pay 20%.  How does one do that when they cant even buy food or cover their electric bill?  So, I am not on the drops I need and my vision is all messed up because of it!  What do I have to do just to survive?  Oh and then there is the bill collectors.  So much fun with the phone ringing daily and the Bs involving all of that too.   I know I don’t deserve this crap.  How did I get here?  How do I get out of here?………….

Emotions Unidentifiable …

Twice a year I clean out the cabinet where all the memories of my deceased son lives.  A few things I put together in remembrance of him.  It is emotional every time I clean this cabinet out.  It has been over 12 years and I still have so much inside of me.  Numerous doctors have stated that I have not dealt with my son’s death.  I asked them all, Then how do I deal with it?  They offer up things like, except that he is gone.  I have excepted that.  Sort through your emotions, I have done this so many times.  Go through each of the stages of Grief, Ha… I have done that as well.  I have also read tons of books.  How does one get over the death of their child?

I have been full of all kinds of emotions, yet I am not sure what I am actually feeling.  I met a real nice man, but I just don’t want any kind of relationship and for some reason men always want a damn relationship with me.  I want some good friends and then see what happens.  I really need to identify these emotions and work on them.

I have been non stop busy since I returned home from seeing my family in northern Illinois.  I kicked my daughter out almost a month ago, been home about ten days and every day I am cleaning and organizing another area of the house.  To get it back to good shape.  She destroyed so much.  I still have another ten days worth of cleaning to be done.  Since I can only tackle on decent size thing or two small things a day, due to the chronic pain.  It is getting there though.  It is finally peaceful in my home!  I miss my grandson though.  He went to live with his father before I returned from my trip.  He is safe and happy there, but he has been with me since he was born!  So many emotions!

All I can do is try to keep myself busy until it is all done, then get back to going to the gym three times a week.  I have been in a pain flare the last four days as well!  The gym helps me keep loose and build muscles to support the pain areas.  I have not been in two months………….
   
 

So Tired of the Stress…

I had to kick my daughter out again, for the absolute final time.  She has been on drugs and refuses to follow any rules.  She is snorting some sort of pills and is a psychotic mess.  I have called her probation officer and asked them to please drug test her.  She is on probation for beati me in my head while I was driving.  There is supposed to be NO violence, but she has had plenty of violence and nothing is being done about it.  Thankfully she left her son at my house.  That poor kid has been through so damn much.

Now I am stressed out trying to find a way to cover the two bills she was paying instead of paying me rent.  I want to end my constant misery, yet I have begged everyone and anyone for help, to no avail.  When will I just finally give up and stop living in his hell?

I just need the two bills covered for this month.  All the things I have done for people all my life, but no one is there when I need help.  To step so low as I have to beg for help and still be ignored.  Everyone says I am so beautiful and my smile lights up the room.  Yet, I am so depressed and full of fear inside.  A part of me hopes there is something more for me in this life.  I have been through so damn much and I am getting too damn old to be starting over again………….

I broke down and set up an account with Go Fund Me in hopes some people will donate so I can pay the bills.  I shared it on my Facebook and I also included the link below.  It feels so low inside of me.  To get to the point that I have to beg for help form someone.  I thought my family would help me, but they all say they have no money to give.  My parents are struggling to live on retirement now.  That’s what they tell me anyway.  Makes me wonder how they would feel if I blew my brains out.  Would they think, gee, I wish I would of helped her when I had the chance…

Go Fund Me Website is… Gofundme.com/LaurieMorris

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April 2015

I have been struggling with increased pain recently.  Living here with the negativity and daily stress does affect how I feel.  I am counting down the days to when I leave to visit family up north for five weeks.  My daughter wakes and every single day she immediately begins yelling at her son.  I have repeatedly told her that I cannot take that anymore, yet she still does it.  They all seem to think they should be rewarded for when they actually do something around here, yet I am supposed to treat them like adults, as if we are all just roommates.  I am strongly considering moving up north.  I feel so much better out of this environment, instead of feeling good until someone wakes up and starts yelling.  This feels like the life is being sucked out of me!

I have never had my own life.  I became pregnant and then married at the age of 16 and I have been married three times.  Always went from one husband right to the next one.  This time I have stopped that and I have stayed single.  I tried dating, but found all of the men to be of great disappointment.  So instead, I have been working on myself and I go to the gym three times a week.  I am ready for my own life now.  I deserve my own life.  I have raised my kids and taken care of everyone else ever since I was 16 years old.  I am now 45 years old.  

I do not want to loose my house here, in order to keep it I have to pay the mortgage, that leaves me with little money to take care of myself though.  That is what has been stopping me from just leaving.  Plus, my grandson needs a stable home.

Our minds are very powerful.  What ever you choose to do, you can master!  It is much easier to accomplish when you are in an environment of peace though.  When I took three weeks and went to my parents house, I was in peace and I saw the stress melt off my face!  I began to feel very good about myself as well.  That is the key to our own happiness, our environment!

I do believe I am going to have a difficult time coming back home from my trip up north.  Maybe that will finally be the push that makes me choose myself for once!

Pictures of me now…

   

With my daughter   

With my grandson  

  

WOW, Emotional Hell…

I have been dealing with some major depression lately. Two months of feelings of abandonment then I also feel glad to be alone too. The biggest thing for me to deal with, is financial!

I started on a low dose estrogen last night. Since the surgeries took everything out of me, we are hoping the major deep depression is due to no more hormones. Only time will tell. Every single day, when the sun starts to go down, I become severely depressed. Not one day have I not had to deal with this. I also get crazy full body hot flashes through out the day, they do not seem to last very long but they are getting more and more common.

My Ex is still trying to get me to have sex with him. Why? I don’t get it! He has begun to receive his karma. Someone slammed into the back bumper of his precious truck while it was parked in a parking lot and he broke his toe. This is just the beginning. He expects me to type up his letter for him to the IRS. I am such a nice and loving person that I agree to things before I even realize it. So now he will be back by today. He stopped by yesterday and asked me for a kiss. Really!?! Every single person asks me why the hell I was ever with him. He is unattractive and a jerk and no one likes him. I guess I was supposed to teach him things, that’s all I can come up with. There is also the fact that he came along right when I had planned to end my life, so maybe it was to keep me alive. That was 8 years ago and I had the where, when and how all set! I could of used not to have the pain and torture of the 7 years we were married though!

It seems if I were the type of person that could just have casual sex, I could do that on a daily basis, but that is NOT me! Casual sex sucks. I always have to spend time teaching the guy I am with how to do it right! Plus sex without a connection is worthless to me. I feel more confident since I have so many guys tell me I am beautiful, but I still just want that one man that makes me his entire world and never stops. I deserve that and I will find that! It does get disappointing when you find out that everyone seems to only care about sex even when they are in their 50’s! I want the soul connection…

I have been talking to a guy that lives a long way away from me, but I feel a connection with him. I feel like, if we were to meet in person my soul would be over joyed! He is open and communicates well. That being the one thing that I have never been able to find in a man! I am beginning to think he may be the one I have searched for my entire life. So, until the day we meet, I will enjoy our little conversations.

Every night, when the sun begins to set, I feel so badly that I just want to go to bed, because when I wake in the morning, I feel pretty good. Then I repeat this every single day of this dreaded life………….

My son has been gone 11 years tonight…

My oldest child died 11 years ago tonight in a car accident. Cause of death was that he burned to death.

I keep seeing and thinking of the last time I saw him alive. I was leaving and he said he felt like he would never see me again and he didn’t.

There are people around me, but I am completely ignored. No one to talk to, no one to comfort me or hold me.

Every year leading up to this date I become extremely depressed and again from Halloween through the new year. His birthday was in December.

I have so much chaos going on in my life and I have zero support system. The chronic pain I am in 24/7 is sucking the life out of me. Not one part of my life is good. I have surgery on June 30th for a complete hysterectomy removing my ovaries and tubes as well. I have to wait seven days after the surgery to know if I have cancer or not.

I wish someone would hold me and be here for me and tell me it will all be alright. Instead of ignoring me and saying that I bring up the word cancer for attention. Even now as I cry mourning the loss of my son, I am completely alone………….

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Keith R. Krogmann II 12/18/1986 – 06/08/2003

Wham… Destruction, Chaos & Depression…

I had two days where everything and everyone was calm. I even was able to get some cleaning done. It is amazing how stress and the people around you can deeply affect your pain levels and mood.

Yesterday, my daughter received her final check from work. She decided not to pay my son for the babysitting he did that week. Even though I told her it was wrong to do that! My son spent the entire day and night bitching at me and telling me I had better do something about it or he was going to have fits of rage and destroy things. He then took anything his girlfriend bought for the house and put it in his bedroom, which included the fabric softener I have her buy since I pay for the stuff and make the laundry detergent. I told him not to do the crap to me and make my life even more of a hell or take it out on my grandson. He said they would not be taking him to his therapy appointments anymore. Hours upon hours of him going at me and telling me I better kick my daughter and grandson out of this house or I would have hell to pay. Of course, my pain levels went through the roof. I cried and I told my daughter she had better find a way to fix this mess she created. She feels like she did no wrong since he refused to watch her son and she had to quit working. They are both way too immature!

Instead of being glad they actually have a mother and roof over their head, they are making my life a living hell. My son even told me that I was going to loose everyone if I allowed my daughter to stay here. Wow! Last night I decided I was no longer going to struggle and fight to stay alive. Not in this hell I live in. I just can’t do it anymore. My pain levels are beyond help when I have to deal with them and their petty crap. I am going to give it all until Wednesday and see if he does all the crappy things he has threatened, then I will decide if I need to dig really deep down inside for the strength to get me out of this hell I live in. I had thought things were finally settling down and I might actually get to live and survive this life.

I finally heard from the hospital about my hysterectomy surgery. They said it would be after next Tuesday before they could call me with my surgery date. That the doctor was out until then and he had to look at their OR schedule and his schedule and see when he could fit me in. Geeze, now if wonder how long it will be before I finally get the surgery. I have felt hungry all the time and been eating way too much, I have gained almost ten pounds in this last month. Not good. Depression, stress, worry and pain are just sucking the life right out of me! My family actually could help me through all of this and help me have less pain if they would grow up and get along and put me before their own crap. They will be very sorry one day, but it will be way too late by then. The stress of it all also has me smoking way too much.

I cannot even sit here without horrible crushing pain. I was unable to go out for breakfast this morning because of the intensity of the pain. I don’t get the offer to go out very often and it sucks that I was unable to go today! I wish I would just go to sleep and never wake up. I know when you finally give up completely, your body will die. Why I continue to hold on to even the tiniest of things is beyond me. I more than deserve some peace in my life. I do the right thing and I always care for others. I have lived through way too many tragedies in this life too. Shall I count the ways……

1. Lost my son to a car accident when he was 16 in 2003!
2. Lost my sister to cancer in 2000!
3. Survived a gang attack in 2010!
4. 2nd husband cheated and left and I lost everything I worked years for in 2006!
5. I survived being poisoned by that same husband too!
6. Deathly ill in 1984 with mono which I had again in 2006!
7. Tonsils removed in 1983, tubal in 1992 & gallbladder in 2005!
8. Had a lingering case of 5th disease back in 1994, was extremely ill for months on end!
9. 16 years of mental abuse from 2nd husband 1990-2006!
10. Given a conclusion from hubby #2 in 1991!
11. Current husband up and left me in 2009 for 5/6 weeks!
12. Years of severe panic attacks and agoraphobia where I couldn’t leave my home for six months at a time, which reoccurred every two years like clock work. 1995-2001, sporadic issues since as well.
13. Physically abused by youngest son in 2006 & 2007!
14. Severe depression, panic attacks, anxiety and borderline personality disorder for most of my life!
15. Locking my bedroom door at night for fear of my son!
16. Living with absolutely no support what so ever from my family!
17. Multiple counts of rape!
18. Molested as a child by more than one person!

I could keep going, but that’s the jest of it all I guess. The top traumas being the loss of my son and surviving the gang attack. Both of those left me with PTSD issues and deep trauma that has never healed. There is no way to get over the loss of your child. He was the one child I had that was always here for me and we were very close. I ask myself often what the hell I had done that was so horrible to deserve this life. If I could go back to around age 14, I would change it all in a heartbeat. I would never have children, the pain of loosing one and then dealing with the hell the other two have given me! I would pay attention in school and go on to college and make a career for myself that I loved. I would never have to count on anyone else. But, we cannot go back and change anything. We only have what is right now, before us. There is not much I can do with the way things are. I have to get out one way or another. Whether I physically up and leave or I go back to live with God again. There has to be an end to this nightmare. I could go live with my parents, though I will have loneliness issues there. I cannot run from my mental problems, they are always with me. I am going to be 45 this year and I cannot even remember a joyous time in my life, even as a child I was riddled with fear and panic. I feel like I am backed into a corner. It’s pretty sad when you have to leave the house you own in order to survive any further in life. I could toss everyone out, but I wouldn’t be able to pay the utility bills. I ran my own business and made very good money. I have lived both ends of the stick, rich and poor. I worked hard and had everything I ever wanted, just to have it all ripped from me in a blink of an eye………….

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Dark circles under my eyes. No make up, because it takes too much energy to apply! This is where I spend most of my life, in the bathroom, alone!