Chronic Pain…

Since 2010, I have been in constant pain.  Not just one area, but multiple areas.  Sometimes the pain is tolerable, but still always there.  Most of the time the pain is bad and occasionally it is so bad I can’t stand it anymore.  Any form of bending over jacks my pain up enormously!  So what, do I just sit back or lay down my entire life?  I can’t do that…

I spend 4 hours most days trying to get the basic chores done.  I do one little thing, then I have to sit on pillows for a while, then I do another little thing and so on.  In this window of time, I try my hardest to just clean up my little kitchen, wipe down surfaces and vacuum the small area that I sit in.  Four hours!  I have discovered that I feel better mentally when things are in there place and all is clean.  So day after day, on a repeat cycle, I push myself through pain and do a little thing at a time, just to have a better mental being and to get some movemnet daily.  Then I sit back in a big chair filled with pillows until I am able to go to sleep.  Mind you, the first four hours I am awake, I am unable to do anything.  So 4 hours of trying to get where I can move around, then 4 hours of tidying up with tons of breaks and around 7 hours of waiting to sleep.  This is my life…

The days I have appointments, I am unable to do anything other than try to not have a full blown panic attack, go to the appointment and get back home.  My Panic and Anxiety disorders greatly increase my pain, because my body tenses up and that causes it all to go crazy.  I have suffered with panic and anxiety for 22 years now.  Yes, this is my life…

I have no desire to be with another, yet occasionally I feel pretty lonely.  I have gained weight, stopped wearing makeup and let my hair grow out just so I am not bothered by men.  I have been through hell and back too many times to count.  I am basically just waiting to die.  No socialization, I don’t even want to be around people, but I do miss having a close friend here.  Day after day, all the same…

What really pisses me off is how those of us who are poor cannot get adequate relief.  We are ignored simply because we cannot pay.  There are so many things that could help me, yet I have no way to get those things.  Just trying to survive on a very small fixed income with a mortgage.  I no longer even have a vehicle.  I get $200 a month to buy food with.  The cheapest things are not good for you.  Just being able to afford to eat healthy would help.  So here I remain, on the repeat cycle and isolated from everything…

Been Sick for over Two Weeks Now…

What seems like clock work, every other year I get sick with the flu or some other virus and then I end up with either bronchitis or pneumonia.  On December 17th, I woke with a scratchy feeling in my throat and chest.  That night the chills set in and a fever of 102.8!  For 3 nights this repeated, but the fever was a little lower each night.  A dry non-productive cough annoyed me night and day!  Not able to sleep and barely could eat.  After 13 days and feeling like I could not breathe, I finally got in to see the doctor.  Pneumonia!  Had a breathing treatment, received shots of steroids & antibiotics in my hip.  Sent home with prescriptions for antibiotics, cough syrup and a powder inhaler.  It took a full three days (today) before I finally started to feel any better at all.  I was able to sleep most of the nig last night, but I still have the dry cough.  I can also eat now.  I have a pain in my right side that wraps to my back, right in the lower rib cage area.  This started a week ago and is still constantly killing me!  Like endless torture…

My immune system has been messed up ever since I had Mono when I was 14 years old.  Or maybe it’s always been messed up.  As a kid I got sick all the time.  Why can’t I find a doctor that will actual do something?  I have had Mono twice, your not supposed to be able to get it again.  I had fifth disease that stayed with me for months, when it should not have!  If I could afford to eat healthy, I would do so much better.  The answer is simple, go live with my parents.  Except, it’s not that simple.  I have to find homes for my animals that I saved over the years.  I did not know at the time, that my husband would cheat and leave, which put me in this position of lack of funds to survive!  

This is the year for change!  I am not going to continue to sit here alone suffering.  I have given my adult kids more than enough time to stand up and help out and they won’t.  I Must put my health first!  I will do what I can over the next few months and then I need to move on…

I often wish I would just die in my sleep, so I no longer have to suffer………….

Christmas Eve Ramblings…

Due to lack of funds, I was only able to buy and send my grandson a gift this year.  I did not put up the tree or decorate this year, why bother.  It is best to try and pretend it is just another regular day.  My son and his girlfriend said they could not afford to buy gifts at all this year.  Funny thing is, they bought gifts for the neighbors!  If anything they should of bought for the nephew, but this is just one of many things that proves to me how little I matter.  I pay the mortgage and scrape by, so they have a roof over their heads.  They still have NOT even tried to fix their car or put up any money for it.  No vehicle causes me a lot of stress!  They expect me to pay to fix the car when I sell my broke down van!  All I ask for is some damn effort on their part, but NO!  They still do NOTHING to help me out around the house…

Why am I still here, you ask… Well, I can’t find anywhere to take my animals in.  I have to have them homed before I can leave here to live with my parents.  I have tried everywhere. Even the shelter is not taking in anymore animals and I really did not want to do that to them anyway!  Maybe I am stuck here for now for a reason, who knows.  Just trying to deal with any of it, stresses me to the point of panic attacks.  I sure never thought I would be in this position back when I save each one of the animals…

I have been sick with the flu since last Saturday.  It came on suddenly, in my throat to chest area, cough, high fevers for three days and now I still cough like mad and am unable to eat much at all.  I can eat soup and toast, everything else kills my stomach.  I will have to break down and see the doctor next week if I don’t improve.   If I find a way to get there!  I haven’t been able to do the few basic chores in days.  I am going to try to vacuum from my rolling chair today.  Oh yeah, the kids wanted me to cook the turkey for Christmas, I haven’t even taken it out to thaw and I have NO plans on cooking!  Why would I?  I can’t eat and they are ungrateful shits…

My son, the alcoholic, was given a huge bottle of Rum last night from the neighbors.  Liquor always makes him violent.  Sure enough, he comes home last night, followed by his girlfriend and they get into a fight.  I hear her screaming in the bedroom and I had to stop him from hurting her.  The dogs freak out when they yell and they both shoved into my bedroom with me.  Have I mentioned how I am allergic to pet dander, which is why it so important to vacuum daily for me.  I don’t get it, no one is happy here!  His girlfriend lays around all day pissy when she is here.  Every chance she gets to go visit with the neighbors she goes.  My son goes to the other neighbors house and plays poker every night.  They are alcoholics there too, so I know it has a lot to do with free beer!  I don’t drink, I just never have had the stomach for it…

My daughter has been in jail since August.  She was now sentenced to six month in prison followed by four years probation.  She is waiting to be transferred.  The good thing is she is sober and I know she is safe, but she thinks she can just come here when she gets out.  She can’t!  She chose to burn this bridge until there was no bridge left.  My son says if she comes here, he is gonna leave.  Maybe I should let her and then I can just move to my parents then.  Ugh!  I wish someone would come here and find homes for my animals and then help me sell my stuff so I could just leave.  The one thing I will miss is the freedom and space I have here though.  But, I sure have become a hermit here…

The weather is awesome today and tomorrow.  70’s, so I can sit outside finally and air this house out.  I find myself feeling lonely, more so at this time of year, but I just can’t deal with another relationship.  All I can do is take everything one moment at a time.  Just continue to survive, until maybe one day something awesome will arrive.  I know all to well how things change in a blink of an eye.  I sure miss having little ones and a family for the holidays………….

I Am Done…

I have come to realize that I need to just be done with everyone and everything!  Having Panic & AnxietyDisorder plus Major Depression & Chronic Pain, I NEED Peace, Quiet and Calm around me.  I have already been isolated to my house.  My son lives here too.  So much is needed to be done to my house.  The soffit & facia are rotting away.  There are cobwebs all over the entire outside of the house!  I get very ill in the heat and I am unable to get out there and remove them…  Almost daily, I find more dents and holes in my walls and appliances.  You guessed it… My son is an alcoholic with anger issues.  He won’t do any of the repairs here.  Which is one of many reasons I am going to eventually have to go live with my parents…

I have always had a big heart and cared way too much!  Every since the 3rd husband cheated and left, I have been cold and unable to feel love.  Why Stress & Struggle to keep my home, when it is like paddling up river!  I have to keep telling myself to just not care…

The ‘Darkness’ (depression) has been invading my mind and body for the last few days.  Most likely jacked up due to another sucky birthday on Monday and now the full moon!  I force myself to do the basic chores, even though it causes me more pain, because it is the only way my body gets any exercise at all!  Plus, I am allergic to dust, mold, mildew, pollen and pet dander.  Yes, I have several animals, because I always felt life was better with them…

Every single time I even think about all I have to do in order to prepare to move, I shut down!  I can’t handle any amount of stress anymore.  But my entire life is stress.  Lack of food, lack of funds, lack of it all…

Why can’t I just go to sleep and not wake back up!!!  I don’t have a clue how I am going to do the things needed to be done, just so I can move.  I have no energy at all!  The Pain rules my life and the darkness is sucking me into its pit of hell…

Depression sucks royally allow its own!  Then the Panic & Anxiety crap was thrown in there!  And now, the chronic pain…  So, I am done!  I am just going to make myself not care at all!  Some how, some way!  I try to occupy my mind by watching tv, it does help when I have a show I can binge watch on Netflix.  Ugh, I am so tired and so lifeless…

A Lost Soul….

I never thought I would be here going on 47 years old!  I work and built a great life, then my son died and my husband left and everything went to hell!  I lost a part of me when my son died and my husband chose drugs and cheating over the family we had…

Then, I thought I found true love again, but he was just a lie.  He pretended for almost 3 years to be the perfect guy.  How does someone do that for so long?  His real self came out and I spent years with a liar, thief and just a plain crappy person, because I married him.  He was too young and he left while I was fighting for my life.  I often wish I had died then!  

For 2 years now I have been alone, though I prefer being just me over being with a shitty man.  I feel lonely often, not lonely for a man in my life, but just a friend.  It seems everyone here is either an alcoholic or on drugs.  With my chronic pain, panic, anxiety and agoraphobia I have become a hermit in my home.  No vehicle or money, so I am stuck here anyway…

How did I get here?  I did everything right!  I chose shitty be in my life.  I know going to live with my parents is best for me, but at the same time I feel like I am loosing so much.  I will be able to eat right there and I will actually get to go out and do things.  I have to find a doctor willing to take me on and all my problems and not change my meds!  

I just don’t know why I am even here.  I spend every moment in pain and misery.  Why the heck didn’t I die two years ago?  There has to be a reason!  No one deserves to live on this much pain and misery and be alone…  

Ramblings of a Lost Soul…

I have had a very hard time this last week.  Sometimes, full moons affect me mentally and this one sure has, I feel like I am going to snap and loose it completely!   I also have my 6 year old grandson here for a visit.  He has been here for almost 4 weeks now and he has mental issues as well.  His anger has been high this last week and he just can not control himself or behave.  Which makes me even more unstable mentally!

My adult son, that lives with me, has done nothing to help me with my grandson.  I shouldn’t be surprised, but I really thought he would help me!  I have horrible pain and I just can’t do it all, but I have had too, so my pain has been very high.  I am tired of being mentally abused by my son as well.  Like When he gets in my face and says, “What are you going to do about, Nothing!”  Which is why I have chosen to go live with my parents in Florida, but I have to go through everything here and try to sell what I can.  

I can’t afford to eat right and $200 a month in Foodstamps doesn’t get you much at all.  I have nothing left after paying for this house!  I thought when I divorced my sons father I would no longer be mentally abused.  I refuse to suffer any longer, but it will take me months to get through things here.  I get sick in the heat and it is so hot and humid here, so I can’t do the shed or the yard sale until October!  I am hoping to find a pain doctor in Florida that will be willing to take me on.  It took five years to get the right meds for my pain, they are helping, though I will always have pain and very bad days.  I do not want any of it changed after all this time of finding something that actually helps!  

I am finally divorced from my last husband!  He was so wonderful in the beginning, it took three years before the real him came out completely.  He is 16 years younger than me and he acted like everything I ever wanted in a man, until we were together 3 years.  Then the real him came out, a liar and a thief.  He left me for 5-6 weeks, then came back.  The last year we were together was horrible!  I had a hysterectomy, they thought I may have cancer, which I did not.  He wasn’t there for me at all!  Then I was dying and it took 3 weeks for the doctor to figure out that he cut my ureter in the surgery.  6 weeks to the day of the first surgery, I had to have a massive surgery to save my life.  My husband was shitty as hell to me!  He left in September of 2014 after I found out he was cheating!  The divorce wasn’t final until this month!  It is over now, another chunk of my life wasted!  I dated for a bit, but every single guy just seemed to want sex.  So I started eating and gained 20 pounds and I have not dated at all since then.  I do not want to be with any man!  Unless a man comes along that will court me, it will never happen again!  I am 47 years old next month, I have been married 3 times!  I am DONE…  I do not want to deal with the drama and BS of a man in my life again…

I am overwhelmed and so stressed out.  In my darkest hour, the only ones that were here for me where my Mom (who is in FL) and my best friend, Lora, but she lives far away!  I couldn’t believe it, no one else was here for me at all!  I had always been there for everyone!  Not even one of my friends, that has been my friend since age 10!  Not my sister, who I always went to when ever she needed me!  I am and have been completely alone for at least 2 years now… 😰. I have found myself preferring to stay inside and away from everything.  I haven’t had a vehicle since last Novemebr either.  So, I am basically stuck here anyway!  I was supposed to get my grandson back this Friday, meet half way in Chattanooga, but my son said they will NOT do it and they have the only car here.  Real nice huh!  I have only stayed here broke and suffering so my son had a home… Fuck that!

For the life of me, I cannot figure out how I deserve this hell I live in!  I have always been a Good person!  I can’t handle my pain condition and my own mental crap even…  I have wanted to die more than ever in this year!  I could NEVER take my own life, but I have prayed several times for GOD to just take me back home already. No one should have to suffer like this… 😢 😰 😡 😤 😱 😥 😖

It’s Been Awhile… 

I have been having a very hard time this year!  My Chronic Pain has been very high and I do not have a support system or help.  I feel very alone, yet I do not want to deal with anyone either.  The depression sneaks in often, which is normal when pain levels are too high.  I try just to get through each day as they come, yet I have had some really bad times, where I am just Sick of being here…

It is impossible for anyone to even comprehend the hell of chronic pain, unless they too have it!  Trying to explain it is a waste of time and air.  I would never wish it on anyone and I often wonder what I did to deserve this hell!  I had always been there for others and helped everyone I could.  You sure do find out who really cares for you or loves you when you are down and out!  I have one friend, that I have had since age 10.  That is it!  She lives far away though.  Even family has forgot I even exist, except for my mother, who also lives far away…

I raised my grandson from birth to age 5, then he went to live with his father.  This was Important, to get him away from his mother (my daughter) who is a drug addict and gets violent.  My daughter lives on the streets or friends houses and all she cares about is getting high!  I missed him like crazy, but I have him for a short visit this summer.  I had not seen him in a year.  I love him more than anything!  Unfortunately, my son and his girlfriend, will not help me at all and with my chronic pain I have some very difficult times each day.  I get tears in my eyes every day from the pain and it is hard to explain to a 6 year old what is going on with me.  All I can do is my best each day, for him and for me to get through!  I really hate that my only living son won’t help me. But he will run and help the neighbors in a heartbeat.  He is an alcoholic, so he will do anything if he will get money or beer for it!  I try to survive on a very small fixed income each month, that leaves me with $50 after the mortgage…

 Lately, my son has been saying things like, “What are you going to do about it, Nothing!” When he gets in my face or I have to get onto him for breaking things in my home.  I don’t understand how my two living kids turned out this way!  My one son, who passed away at age 16, was the only good one!  He always talked to me and was there for me.  My kids were raised with morals and knowing what is right or wrong!  Yet my daughter is exactly like her father, who had not been in her life at all since she was 1 1/2 years old!  She is now 27!  My son is exactly like his father, but he was in his life until he was 14!  He is now 24!  His father was a great dad,until my oldest died and we had to move.  Then he got into drugs and cheated then left us all.  He has nothing to do with his son, ever since then!  I have only paid the mortgage so my son has a home and I have animals that I would have to find homes for if I left.  Now I am only staying because of the animals!  I have a cat that is anti social so I don’t think she would ever get adopted and I have a dog, that is very old.  I know I have to get out of here though, so I will have to spend months trying to sell things and find homes for my animals, before I can go live with my parents.  I cannot keep staying in such a negative environment, but I can’t tell my son I am leaving, because he will destroy everything here if I do…

I FEEL AFTER TIME, BEING AT MY PARENTS, I WILL FEEL MUCH BETTER …… It is just getting everything done so I can go there that is the issue…