The Pain is Just Too Much…

For months now, every single thing I do on my feet; like walking or any form of bending, immediately increases my pain so much that I feel like I am being crushed to death from my waist down!  I have to get to a padded place to sit ASAP to stop the sharpness of it.  Now I find myself not wanting to get out of the chair at all.  I do everything I can from a padded chair on wheels, but now I can’t even seem to walk to the bathroom without suffering.  I so wish I could get a slim power chair that would fit inthe doorways inside my house, then I would not have to get on my feet or suffer through so damn much pain.  I have pain even sitting, but with medication I can deal with that pain usually.  

I had a bad headache for 2 days straight and today the headache is gone, but my head doesn’t feel right.  Much like it tends to feel the day after a migraine.  When I get migraines I always get a floater in my vision first, which I did not have happen.  It wasn’t a migraine, just a bad non-stop headache for 2 days…😪

I am so tired, exhausted even, of being in so much pain.  I want to enjoy the beautiful weather outside, yet I can’t sit out there for long.  Even on a pile of pillows!  I wish I had something I could lay on outside.  I am feeling very down & depressed, who wouldn’t in my shoes.  I don’t have anyone to comfort me or be a part of my life, so I sometimes feel lonely.  I have been feeling that a lot the last few days.  Yet, I can’t even think about ever dealing with another man after having 3 failed marriages and several men that are liars in my life.  I have been just me, by choice, for almost 3 years now.  Normally I am perfectly fine with that.  I guess I feel like it would be nice to just have a good friend.  Though, in the amount of pain I have now, I would be a very good friend to even have…😢

There seems to be no point at all to my life, other than constant pain and what feels like torture.  I literally have NO Life.  I HATE leaving my house, because of the pain and the panic & anxiety crap I deal with.  I would go to the neighbors occasionally if I had a power chair to get there in and to be able to sit there in.  Other than that, I have NO desire to ever leave my home.  I literally only leave my home for appointments and once a month I go to the store for groceries.  I have become a hermit I guess…🏡

Keeping my mind busy is Important, that keeps my mind off the pain.  I am so uncomfortable and have so much pain, that there isn’t much I can do to keep my mind busy anymore.  I always would clean to keep my mind busy, now it has become too painful for me even in the rolling padded chair…😖💺

I don’t know what else to do.  I am finally scheduled for the blocks across my low back, but it isn’t until November 29th!!!  If those blocks help at all, then I will be scheduled for ablation; which is basically radio frequency burning of the nerves.  The nerves will grow back, but I could get 3 months to 3 years of relief in that area.  Unfortunately, I have several bad areas.  The left side of my neck is constantly in pain and has been for 7 years.  Sometimes the pain is really bad!  Both my feet are numb, yet feel like they are being crushed!  My entire low back, both butt cheeks, both hips and both legs.  The left side is even more painful than the right side.  For 7 years I have progressively gotten worse and the painful areas have spread out farther.  Needless to say, I am MISERABLE!!!  I need my living hell to end!  😫😭😰

I have tried everything I possibly can to help me.  Why do I have to be poor!  If I had money then I could buy a power chair.  Even taking a shower is enormously painful!  I force myself through that pain once a week.  I can’t even sit in the bathtub to soak, too painful there too.  I give up!  I pray I die in my sleep and soon…..🛌 ☠ ⏳… No one should ever have to suffer in so much pain!  

Now they are taking pain medication away from people who need it just to function.  Chronic pain patients!  I fear what hell I will be forced to live when that happens to me.  I know how horrid the pain is without medication.  Why doesn’t my body just give up and die already?  So many people that have lost their pain medication have killed themselves.  They couldn’t take the pain anymore.  Pain medication is there for this reason, so no one has to suffer.  Yet, you have to jump through hoops just to finally get any pain medication and you are never given enough to really cover your pain.  I can’t help but wonder if the governments plan is for chronic pain patients to end their lives, why else would they just take it away suddenly!   I am tired of the fear I have for if and when that happens to me.  With all of the CDC’s BS going on over Opioids, chronic Pain Patients are being screwed over and even treated like addicts.  News flag, chronic pain patients don’t abuse their meds and they are regularly drug tested among many other things that provethey are compliant. Drug addicts don’t start out with a prescription from a doctor.  The CDC is grouping Heroin in with pain medications as Opioids.  Many addicts have died from street drugs like heroin and illicit fentanyl, it is NOT the compliant chronic pain patients!  Yet we are the ones who are suffering………….😡😤😖

Advertisements

Going Down…

I seem to be continuing to go down hill.  The intractable chronic pain just keeps getting worse.  I am barely able to do the basic clean up of the kitchen and what I do get done, is ALWAYS from my padded chair on wheels.  I am tired of constantly suffering.  Feeling like I am being tortured day after day.  I do not have a support system at all.  I need help, but there is none.  The pain just makes the depression worse…

I had my 3 month visit with my pain management nurse practitioner.  I asked about radio frequency ablation and they do that there.  First, you have to have a block done to the area to see if it will actually help, before they do the ablation.  Now I wait a couple of weeks for my insurance to authorize the block, then I will be scheduled, most likely in September sometime.  If the block helps the area, then they will schedule the radio frequency ablation.  That is where they use radio frequency to basically kill the nerve, but the nerve will regrow. One can expect 3 months up to 3 years of relief.  I have so many areas that need to be addressed, but first we are doing the two main nerves that run on each side of the lower back.  Since they never listened to me for over five years about my feet going numb and then the pain there too, even if they were able to uncompress those nerves. It has been so long, that I wouldn’t regain the feeling in my feet.  I just want the damn crushing pain to stop!  I get to upset at the fact they never listen to me.  It didn’t show in the MRI’s, I had to have painful nerve conduction testing done and yet they still have done nothing with that.  I said I need to have an MRI with contrast, because they are missing way too much.  I will push for that in December I guess…

I honestly can not keep doing this!  7 years of this painful hell!  The pain gets worse and spreads every year.  I cannot be on my feet walking, standing or bending without horrid crushing pain from hell.  I have NO life!  Now I can’t even do the basic chores that need to be done.  I find myself begging God to take me in my sleep and end my living hell.  I wish I could sleep, but I am lucky to even do that at night.  Sleep is my only escape and the only place I have a life, in my dreams.  I have struggled with depression my entire life and I have battled Panic disorder for over 22 years now.  Taking a shower is extremely painful.  I need a small shower chair that will fit in there, but I have no money for anything I need.  I force myself to shower once a week, that is all I can take.  I am hungry and of course there is not one thing healthy to eat here.  Every month the same food costs even more…

There is NO joy in my life, just pain and suffering.  I just want to be done with this life.  All of the things I have lived through, for what!  My birthday was last Tuesday, now I am 48 years old.  I feel 90.   Even sitting on my thick pillow is painful anymore.  Why…. Why must of be left to suffer!  If only I had the courage just to end it all., but I don’t.  How anyone can say that someone is a coward or took the easy way out, when they take their own life, really hasn’t got a clue………….

Chronic Pain…

Since 2010, I have been in constant pain.  Not just one area, but multiple areas.  Sometimes the pain is tolerable, but still always there.  Most of the time the pain is bad and occasionally it is so bad I can’t stand it anymore.  Any form of bending over jacks my pain up enormously!  So what, do I just sit back or lay down my entire life?  I can’t do that…

I spend 4 hours most days trying to get the basic chores done.  I do one little thing, then I have to sit on pillows for a while, then I do another little thing and so on.  In this window of time, I try my hardest to just clean up my little kitchen, wipe down surfaces and vacuum the small area that I sit in.  Four hours!  I have discovered that I feel better mentally when things are in there place and all is clean.  So day after day, on a repeat cycle, I push myself through pain and do a little thing at a time, just to have a better mental being and to get some movemnet daily.  Then I sit back in a big chair filled with pillows until I am able to go to sleep.  Mind you, the first four hours I am awake, I am unable to do anything.  So 4 hours of trying to get where I can move around, then 4 hours of tidying up with tons of breaks and around 7 hours of waiting to sleep.  This is my life…

The days I have appointments, I am unable to do anything other than try to not have a full blown panic attack, go to the appointment and get back home.  My Panic and Anxiety disorders greatly increase my pain, because my body tenses up and that causes it all to go crazy.  I have suffered with panic and anxiety for 22 years now.  Yes, this is my life…

I have no desire to be with another, yet occasionally I feel pretty lonely.  I have gained weight, stopped wearing makeup and let my hair grow out just so I am not bothered by men.  I have been through hell and back too many times to count.  I am basically just waiting to die.  No socialization, I don’t even want to be around people, but I do miss having a close friend here.  Day after day, all the same…

What really pisses me off is how those of us who are poor cannot get adequate relief.  We are ignored simply because we cannot pay.  There are so many things that could help me, yet I have no way to get those things.  Just trying to survive on a very small fixed income with a mortgage.  I no longer even have a vehicle.  I get $200 a month to buy food with.  The cheapest things are not good for you.  Just being able to afford to eat healthy would help.  So here I remain, on the repeat cycle and isolated from everything…

Been Sick for over Two Weeks Now…

What seems like clock work, every other year I get sick with the flu or some other virus and then I end up with either bronchitis or pneumonia.  On December 17th, I woke with a scratchy feeling in my throat and chest.  That night the chills set in and a fever of 102.8!  For 3 nights this repeated, but the fever was a little lower each night.  A dry non-productive cough annoyed me night and day!  Not able to sleep and barely could eat.  After 13 days and feeling like I could not breathe, I finally got in to see the doctor.  Pneumonia!  Had a breathing treatment, received shots of steroids & antibiotics in my hip.  Sent home with prescriptions for antibiotics, cough syrup and a powder inhaler.  It took a full three days (today) before I finally started to feel any better at all.  I was able to sleep most of the nig last night, but I still have the dry cough.  I can also eat now.  I have a pain in my right side that wraps to my back, right in the lower rib cage area.  This started a week ago and is still constantly killing me!  Like endless torture…

My immune system has been messed up ever since I had Mono when I was 14 years old.  Or maybe it’s always been messed up.  As a kid I got sick all the time.  Why can’t I find a doctor that will actual do something?  I have had Mono twice, your not supposed to be able to get it again.  I had fifth disease that stayed with me for months, when it should not have!  If I could afford to eat healthy, I would do so much better.  The answer is simple, go live with my parents.  Except, it’s not that simple.  I have to find homes for my animals that I saved over the years.  I did not know at the time, that my husband would cheat and leave, which put me in this position of lack of funds to survive!  

This is the year for change!  I am not going to continue to sit here alone suffering.  I have given my adult kids more than enough time to stand up and help out and they won’t.  I Must put my health first!  I will do what I can over the next few months and then I need to move on…

I often wish I would just die in my sleep, so I no longer have to suffer………….

Christmas Eve Ramblings…

Due to lack of funds, I was only able to buy and send my grandson a gift this year.  I did not put up the tree or decorate this year, why bother.  It is best to try and pretend it is just another regular day.  My son and his girlfriend said they could not afford to buy gifts at all this year.  Funny thing is, they bought gifts for the neighbors!  If anything they should of bought for the nephew, but this is just one of many things that proves to me how little I matter.  I pay the mortgage and scrape by, so they have a roof over their heads.  They still have NOT even tried to fix their car or put up any money for it.  No vehicle causes me a lot of stress!  They expect me to pay to fix the car when I sell my broke down van!  All I ask for is some damn effort on their part, but NO!  They still do NOTHING to help me out around the house…

Why am I still here, you ask… Well, I can’t find anywhere to take my animals in.  I have to have them homed before I can leave here to live with my parents.  I have tried everywhere. Even the shelter is not taking in anymore animals and I really did not want to do that to them anyway!  Maybe I am stuck here for now for a reason, who knows.  Just trying to deal with any of it, stresses me to the point of panic attacks.  I sure never thought I would be in this position back when I save each one of the animals…

I have been sick with the flu since last Saturday.  It came on suddenly, in my throat to chest area, cough, high fevers for three days and now I still cough like mad and am unable to eat much at all.  I can eat soup and toast, everything else kills my stomach.  I will have to break down and see the doctor next week if I don’t improve.   If I find a way to get there!  I haven’t been able to do the few basic chores in days.  I am going to try to vacuum from my rolling chair today.  Oh yeah, the kids wanted me to cook the turkey for Christmas, I haven’t even taken it out to thaw and I have NO plans on cooking!  Why would I?  I can’t eat and they are ungrateful shits…

My son, the alcoholic, was given a huge bottle of Rum last night from the neighbors.  Liquor always makes him violent.  Sure enough, he comes home last night, followed by his girlfriend and they get into a fight.  I hear her screaming in the bedroom and I had to stop him from hurting her.  The dogs freak out when they yell and they both shoved into my bedroom with me.  Have I mentioned how I am allergic to pet dander, which is why it so important to vacuum daily for me.  I don’t get it, no one is happy here!  His girlfriend lays around all day pissy when she is here.  Every chance she gets to go visit with the neighbors she goes.  My son goes to the other neighbors house and plays poker every night.  They are alcoholics there too, so I know it has a lot to do with free beer!  I don’t drink, I just never have had the stomach for it…

My daughter has been in jail since August.  She was now sentenced to six month in prison followed by four years probation.  She is waiting to be transferred.  The good thing is she is sober and I know she is safe, but she thinks she can just come here when she gets out.  She can’t!  She chose to burn this bridge until there was no bridge left.  My son says if she comes here, he is gonna leave.  Maybe I should let her and then I can just move to my parents then.  Ugh!  I wish someone would come here and find homes for my animals and then help me sell my stuff so I could just leave.  The one thing I will miss is the freedom and space I have here though.  But, I sure have become a hermit here…

The weather is awesome today and tomorrow.  70’s, so I can sit outside finally and air this house out.  I find myself feeling lonely, more so at this time of year, but I just can’t deal with another relationship.  All I can do is take everything one moment at a time.  Just continue to survive, until maybe one day something awesome will arrive.  I know all to well how things change in a blink of an eye.  I sure miss having little ones and a family for the holidays………….

I Am Done…

I have come to realize that I need to just be done with everyone and everything!  Having Panic & AnxietyDisorder plus Major Depression & Chronic Pain, I NEED Peace, Quiet and Calm around me.  I have already been isolated to my house.  My son lives here too.  So much is needed to be done to my house.  The soffit & facia are rotting away.  There are cobwebs all over the entire outside of the house!  I get very ill in the heat and I am unable to get out there and remove them…  Almost daily, I find more dents and holes in my walls and appliances.  You guessed it… My son is an alcoholic with anger issues.  He won’t do any of the repairs here.  Which is one of many reasons I am going to eventually have to go live with my parents…

I have always had a big heart and cared way too much!  Every since the 3rd husband cheated and left, I have been cold and unable to feel love.  Why Stress & Struggle to keep my home, when it is like paddling up river!  I have to keep telling myself to just not care…

The ‘Darkness’ (depression) has been invading my mind and body for the last few days.  Most likely jacked up due to another sucky birthday on Monday and now the full moon!  I force myself to do the basic chores, even though it causes me more pain, because it is the only way my body gets any exercise at all!  Plus, I am allergic to dust, mold, mildew, pollen and pet dander.  Yes, I have several animals, because I always felt life was better with them…

Every single time I even think about all I have to do in order to prepare to move, I shut down!  I can’t handle any amount of stress anymore.  But my entire life is stress.  Lack of food, lack of funds, lack of it all…

Why can’t I just go to sleep and not wake back up!!!  I don’t have a clue how I am going to do the things needed to be done, just so I can move.  I have no energy at all!  The Pain rules my life and the darkness is sucking me into its pit of hell…

Depression sucks royally allow its own!  Then the Panic & Anxiety crap was thrown in there!  And now, the chronic pain…  So, I am done!  I am just going to make myself not care at all!  Some how, some way!  I try to occupy my mind by watching tv, it does help when I have a show I can binge watch on Netflix.  Ugh, I am so tired and so lifeless…

A Lost Soul….

I never thought I would be here going on 47 years old!  I work and built a great life, then my son died and my husband left and everything went to hell!  I lost a part of me when my son died and my husband chose drugs and cheating over the family we had…

Then, I thought I found true love again, but he was just a lie.  He pretended for almost 3 years to be the perfect guy.  How does someone do that for so long?  His real self came out and I spent years with a liar, thief and just a plain crappy person, because I married him.  He was too young and he left while I was fighting for my life.  I often wish I had died then!  

For 2 years now I have been alone, though I prefer being just me over being with a shitty man.  I feel lonely often, not lonely for a man in my life, but just a friend.  It seems everyone here is either an alcoholic or on drugs.  With my chronic pain, panic, anxiety and agoraphobia I have become a hermit in my home.  No vehicle or money, so I am stuck here anyway…

How did I get here?  I did everything right!  I chose shitty be in my life.  I know going to live with my parents is best for me, but at the same time I feel like I am loosing so much.  I will be able to eat right there and I will actually get to go out and do things.  I have to find a doctor willing to take me on and all my problems and not change my meds!  

I just don’t know why I am even here.  I spend every moment in pain and misery.  Why the heck didn’t I die two years ago?  There has to be a reason!  No one deserves to live on this much pain and misery and be alone…