I Stopped the Pain Meds..

I had been feeling, for the last six months, that I needed to come off of the pain medications, the long acting one was making me feel sick and I had been on some sort of pain medication for over 7 years now.

6 months ago I began to investigate Kratom. After a few months I tried some from various places and then finally found the right one. I found it helped much more with the pain. So, 10 days ago I stopped the pain medication and took Kratom 3 times a day. Today and for the next week I will only take it twice a day, finally I am hoping to be able to only use it as needed. I have not had really any withdrawals. A few times my anxiety jacked up, but meditation helped with that as well as the Kratom. I no longer feel sick and my pain is no where near as bad as it had been. I truly believe prescription pain medication, over years, causes increased pain. It definitely has a place though.

Unfortunately, my life is still the same. Stuck at home and no way to do anything, etc. Maybe once I get through the next few weeks things will improve for me here. I am very comfortable here. It is hard to keep your mind busy when you do not have the funds for things to do. I pulled out a puzzle yesterday and I work on that periodically.

Oh yeah, I chopped all my hair off! I was tired of being hot and I always had my hair pulled up anyway. I am much cooler now. I don’t really care what I look like, nor am I trying to impress anyone. My comfort is the most important thing to me…


This is the best Christmas I have had in many years. I am so glad i came down to my parents! My parents even did a stocking for me. I always loved that as a kid!!! Normally, I would be home all alone and sad {as I am for all holidays}. In my stocking, besides some treats, was an Atomic Lighter, Fidget Spinner, face mask and a essential oil diffuser necklace. I also received a Bluetooth Keyboard for my IPad {I am using the keyboard right now!} and a foam topper for my bed.

Yesterday we had a get-together with local family for Christmas. My sister and her son came. They gave me new slippers, neck pillow, socks, eye mask and a Diamond Painting kit. If you haven’t seen those, do a search for them, they are really cool. We had a huge feast and I ate way too much food all day long.

I have a little over another week here before I go back home. I have been very lazy here. At home I do chores every day. It is nice to not have to do anything though. My mothers cousin bought some yarn and asked me to make two sets of baby sweaters with hats, which I worked on all last week. They came out beautiful. I should of taken a picture, oh well.

My daughter messaged me early this morning and wished me a Merry Christmas followed by her declaration of how much she loves me. That was very nice! I am sure I will Herat from my son when he gets out of bed. I hope all of you have a wonderful day and the New Year is filled with only Positive things………..

Christmas Vacation…

I am currently at my parents on vacation. I arrived here on the 14th and I do not go back home until around the 3rd of January. I brought my kitty with me that sleeps with me every night. She did not like the car ride at all, but she seems to be happy here. I am always happy here. Though I have been very lazy.

My sister & my nephew that live in Florida, my aunt & uncle, my cousin and his girlfriend and my moms cousin plus her friend will all be here tomorrow (Christmas Eve) for a get together and a big meal. This is nice for me, since I am normally home alone on all holidays. I always feel like I am “out of sight, out of mind” with my family. I don’t even have a friend near my anymore. Just stuck at home alone. I do not like to be around many people, due to my panic disorder and I do not have a vehicle to go anywhere. I miss having a good friend nearby very much.

For years now, Christmas doesn’t feel like any special day for me. All holidays are now just another day. Same old crap, different day! I miss the special feeling I always had for the holidays. Being an adult sucks! Then again, my entire life is boring and not fun. I can’t even remember the last time I felt real happiness… Every day is the same, with me just trying to make it through the day with the least amount of pain possible.

I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas and a very Happy New Year!

When it Becomes too Much…

I am tired of barely surviving.  Tired of the enormous amount of pain I have to deal with every day of my life.  I have tried so many different things seeking something to help me.  Unfortunately, when you don’t have any money, there is not much you can do.  I was able to try Wild Lettuce and it did nothing for my pain.

I know that I have to make a change and soon, or it will be too late.  I can feel it deep inside of me.  I have stayed here as long as I could, but this is no life at all.  Struggling to get by and survive.  As if the chronic pain wasn’t bad enough.  

I am going to have several blocks done on my lower back at the end of this month.  If they help at all, then I will have ablationS done to burn off the nerves, though they will eventually grow back.  Fingers crossed.

Mid December I am going to my parents in Florida for three weeks.  I honestly feel like I don’t want to even bother coming back here.  To the same old crap and struggle.  Maybe I won’t.  Maybe I need to just stay there and be done with everything here, because if I don’t I doubt I will still be alive this time next year…

The Pain is Just Too Much…

For months now, every single thing I do on my feet; like walking or any form of bending, immediately increases my pain so much that I feel like I am being crushed to death from my waist down!  I have to get to a padded place to sit ASAP to stop the sharpness of it.  Now I find myself not wanting to get out of the chair at all.  I do everything I can from a padded chair on wheels, but now I can’t even seem to walk to the bathroom without suffering.  I so wish I could get a slim power chair that would fit inthe doorways inside my house, then I would not have to get on my feet or suffer through so damn much pain.  I have pain even sitting, but with medication I can deal with that pain usually.  

I had a bad headache for 2 days straight and today the headache is gone, but my head doesn’t feel right.  Much like it tends to feel the day after a migraine.  When I get migraines I always get a floater in my vision first, which I did not have happen.  It wasn’t a migraine, just a bad non-stop headache for 2 days…😪

I am so tired, exhausted even, of being in so much pain.  I want to enjoy the beautiful weather outside, yet I can’t sit out there for long.  Even on a pile of pillows!  I wish I had something I could lay on outside.  I am feeling very down & depressed, who wouldn’t in my shoes.  I don’t have anyone to comfort me or be a part of my life, so I sometimes feel lonely.  I have been feeling that a lot the last few days.  Yet, I can’t even think about ever dealing with another man after having 3 failed marriages and several men that are liars in my life.  I have been just me, by choice, for almost 3 years now.  Normally I am perfectly fine with that.  I guess I feel like it would be nice to just have a good friend.  Though, in the amount of pain I have now, I would be a very good friend to even have…😢

There seems to be no point at all to my life, other than constant pain and what feels like torture.  I literally have NO Life.  I HATE leaving my house, because of the pain and the panic & anxiety crap I deal with.  I would go to the neighbors occasionally if I had a power chair to get there in and to be able to sit there in.  Other than that, I have NO desire to ever leave my home.  I literally only leave my home for appointments and once a month I go to the store for groceries.  I have become a hermit I guess…🏡

Keeping my mind busy is Important, that keeps my mind off the pain.  I am so uncomfortable and have so much pain, that there isn’t much I can do to keep my mind busy anymore.  I always would clean to keep my mind busy, now it has become too painful for me even in the rolling padded chair…😖💺

I don’t know what else to do.  I am finally scheduled for the blocks across my low back, but it isn’t until November 29th!!!  If those blocks help at all, then I will be scheduled for ablation; which is basically radio frequency burning of the nerves.  The nerves will grow back, but I could get 3 months to 3 years of relief in that area.  Unfortunately, I have several bad areas.  The left side of my neck is constantly in pain and has been for 7 years.  Sometimes the pain is really bad!  Both my feet are numb, yet feel like they are being crushed!  My entire low back, both butt cheeks, both hips and both legs.  The left side is even more painful than the right side.  For 7 years I have progressively gotten worse and the painful areas have spread out farther.  Needless to say, I am MISERABLE!!!  I need my living hell to end!  😫😭😰

I have tried everything I possibly can to help me.  Why do I have to be poor!  If I had money then I could buy a power chair.  Even taking a shower is enormously painful!  I force myself through that pain once a week.  I can’t even sit in the bathtub to soak, too painful there too.  I give up!  I pray I die in my sleep and soon…..🛌 ☠ ⏳… No one should ever have to suffer in so much pain!  

Now they are taking pain medication away from people who need it just to function.  Chronic pain patients!  I fear what hell I will be forced to live when that happens to me.  I know how horrid the pain is without medication.  Why doesn’t my body just give up and die already?  So many people that have lost their pain medication have killed themselves.  They couldn’t take the pain anymore.  Pain medication is there for this reason, so no one has to suffer.  Yet, you have to jump through hoops just to finally get any pain medication and you are never given enough to really cover your pain.  I can’t help but wonder if the governments plan is for chronic pain patients to end their lives, why else would they just take it away suddenly!   I am tired of the fear I have for if and when that happens to me.  With all of the CDC’s BS going on over Opioids, chronic Pain Patients are being screwed over and even treated like addicts.  News flag, chronic pain patients don’t abuse their meds and they are regularly drug tested among many other things that provethey are compliant. Drug addicts don’t start out with a prescription from a doctor.  The CDC is grouping Heroin in with pain medications as Opioids.  Many addicts have died from street drugs like heroin and illicit fentanyl, it is NOT the compliant chronic pain patients!  Yet we are the ones who are suffering………….😡😤😖

Going Down…

I seem to be continuing to go down hill.  The intractable chronic pain just keeps getting worse.  I am barely able to do the basic clean up of the kitchen and what I do get done, is ALWAYS from my padded chair on wheels.  I am tired of constantly suffering.  Feeling like I am being tortured day after day.  I do not have a support system at all.  I need help, but there is none.  The pain just makes the depression worse…

I had my 3 month visit with my pain management nurse practitioner.  I asked about radio frequency ablation and they do that there.  First, you have to have a block done to the area to see if it will actually help, before they do the ablation.  Now I wait a couple of weeks for my insurance to authorize the block, then I will be scheduled, most likely in September sometime.  If the block helps the area, then they will schedule the radio frequency ablation.  That is where they use radio frequency to basically kill the nerve, but the nerve will regrow. One can expect 3 months up to 3 years of relief.  I have so many areas that need to be addressed, but first we are doing the two main nerves that run on each side of the lower back.  Since they never listened to me for over five years about my feet going numb and then the pain there too, even if they were able to uncompress those nerves. It has been so long, that I wouldn’t regain the feeling in my feet.  I just want the damn crushing pain to stop!  I get to upset at the fact they never listen to me.  It didn’t show in the MRI’s, I had to have painful nerve conduction testing done and yet they still have done nothing with that.  I said I need to have an MRI with contrast, because they are missing way too much.  I will push for that in December I guess…

I honestly can not keep doing this!  7 years of this painful hell!  The pain gets worse and spreads every year.  I cannot be on my feet walking, standing or bending without horrid crushing pain from hell.  I have NO life!  Now I can’t even do the basic chores that need to be done.  I find myself begging God to take me in my sleep and end my living hell.  I wish I could sleep, but I am lucky to even do that at night.  Sleep is my only escape and the only place I have a life, in my dreams.  I have struggled with depression my entire life and I have battled Panic disorder for over 22 years now.  Taking a shower is extremely painful.  I need a small shower chair that will fit in there, but I have no money for anything I need.  I force myself to shower once a week, that is all I can take.  I am hungry and of course there is not one thing healthy to eat here.  Every month the same food costs even more…

There is NO joy in my life, just pain and suffering.  I just want to be done with this life.  All of the things I have lived through, for what!  My birthday was last Tuesday, now I am 48 years old.  I feel 90.   Even sitting on my thick pillow is painful anymore.  Why…. Why must of be left to suffer!  If only I had the courage just to end it all., but I don’t.  How anyone can say that someone is a coward or took the easy way out, when they take their own life, really hasn’t got a clue………….


1.  I want to know why the doctors refuse to give me the medication that works the best for my panic disorder here, yet others seem to get it prescribed and turn around and sell it!  It pisses me off!  Alprozolam/Xanax is the absolute best medication for my panic disorder.  I was on that for over 10 years and that medication stops the attacks while also allowing me to feel completely NORMAL.  I Had tried many different medication, most that did not work at all.  I was originally put on Xanax down here back in 1995. When I moved back here, I was told they couldn’t give me that anymore.  They tried Klonopin, but that made me feel drunk and I don’t drink.  They put me on Ativan/Lorazapam.  This medication helps, but takes an hour to work at all and causes me to feel even more tired.  Xanax was made for someone just like me.  I was told that Xanax has a high abuse level and that is why they wouldn’t give it to me.  Let me tell you, I have NEVER abused medication, I have NEVER sold my medication and I have NEVER even shared my medication!!!  So, I am not allowed to be on the one medication that helps the most and allows me to feel normal.  WTF…

2.  Why is it that doctors never seem to give enough medication to actually cover the massive pain you live with every day of your life?  For the last 7 years I have been living with major intractable pain, that gets worse every damn year.  It took 6 years to just get on a medication that actually does help some.  After trying several different non-opioid medications that caused me to be severely depressed or suicidal or swell so bad I couldn’t walk at all.  Now the CDC is going after opioid medication like a steak dangling before a starved dog.  They are putting doctors in jail whose only crime was prescribing life saving opioids to patients in horrible pain.  The patients that are able to get up and go to work only because they have opioid medication to help them accomplish it.   The CDC wants ALL opioid medication gone by 2019.  That’s right, even the ones used in the hospital after surgery!  They are saying that we have an opioid crisis and people are dying.  The problem is they are grouping all the drug addicts that die from heroin and street drugs in the same group as chronic pain patients, because heroin is an opioid.  So what this does is take away the life saving medication from real pain patients.  Now these patients can no longer get up and go to work. Several have already taken their own lives, because the pain (untreated) is more than they can endure.  Many states here in the USA have adopted the CDC guidelines as rules and they have taken all the opioids away from the chronic pain patients there, or at the very least they have cut the medication way down.  This terrifies me, because if or when this happens to me, I will be one of the ones that is forced to just end my life.  Yes, you are going to see a massive increase in suicides over the next two years.  Just do a search online for “opioid crisis”. You will see the many things that the CDC has already started.  

3.  Why am I constantly being punished for being poor?  I worked for years and made very good money.  It is NOT my fault that I became disabled or that my ex-husband chose to walk out on me while I was recovering from  two major surgeries that saved my life.  Yet, every time I turn around, I am being punished for being poor!   If I had money, I would be able to pay the $100 for the Neurobehavioral Exam I need in order to obtain the Spinal Cord Stimulator, which may very well help with my constant intractable pain.  If I had money, I could get much better treatment and the best medications.  If I had money, I could afford to eat healthy, which would most likely help me on many levels.  But I don’t have money.  I struggle every month just to survive.  Let me break it down for you in my monthly bills and income: Mortgage-$482, Electric (budget billing) $158, Gas (budget billing) $42, Water-$90, RX copays-$30 = $802.00. My income per month is $813.00. That leaves me with $11.00 a month to buy toilet paper, personal hygiene items, etc.  I receive $200 a month in Foodstamps to replenish food items I need (like sugar,flour & condiments) and buy food to feed me for the entire month.  This is very difficult to do, so in order to have food to eat every day, I have to pick the cheapest options.  These are also the NOT good for you options.  My vehicle quit running two years ago and I don’t have money to have it fixed, plus I don’t have funds to pay for insurance or gas anyway.  My gas range (stove/oven) quit working over a year ago, again I do not have funds to have it fixed or buy a new one.  The dryer is on its way out as well.  Yes, I have tried everywhere here for any kind of help and there is none!  

Ok, that’s enough, I am feeling extremely depressed now………….