A Lost Soul….

I never thought I would be here going on 47 years old!  I work and built a great life, then my son died and my husband left and everything went to hell!  I lost a part of me when my son died and my husband chose drugs and cheating over the family we had…

Then, I thought I found true love again, but he was just a lie.  He pretended for almost 3 years to be the perfect guy.  How does someone do that for so long?  His real self came out and I spent years with a liar, thief and just a plain crappy person, because I married him.  He was too young and he left while I was fighting for my life.  I often wish I had died then!  

For 2 years now I have been alone, though I prefer being just me over being with a shitty man.  I feel lonely often, not lonely for a man in my life, but just a friend.  It seems everyone here is either an alcoholic or on drugs.  With my chronic pain, panic, anxiety and agoraphobia I have become a hermit in my home.  No vehicle or money, so I am stuck here anyway…

How did I get here?  I did everything right!  I chose shitty be in my life.  I know going to live with my parents is best for me, but at the same time I feel like I am loosing so much.  I will be able to eat right there and I will actually get to go out and do things.  I have to find a doctor willing to take me on and all my problems and not change my meds!  

I just don’t know why I am even here.  I spend every moment in pain and misery.  Why the heck didn’t I die two years ago?  There has to be a reason!  No one deserves to live on this much pain and misery and be alone…  

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Ramblings of a Lost Soul…

I have had a very hard time this last week.  Sometimes, full moons affect me mentally and this one sure has, I feel like I am going to snap and loose it completely!   I also have my 6 year old grandson here for a visit.  He has been here for almost 4 weeks now and he has mental issues as well.  His anger has been high this last week and he just can not control himself or behave.  Which makes me even more unstable mentally!

My adult son, that lives with me, has done nothing to help me with my grandson.  I shouldn’t be surprised, but I really thought he would help me!  I have horrible pain and I just can’t do it all, but I have had too, so my pain has been very high.  I am tired of being mentally abused by my son as well.  Like When he gets in my face and says, “What are you going to do about, Nothing!”  Which is why I have chosen to go live with my parents in Florida, but I have to go through everything here and try to sell what I can.  

I can’t afford to eat right and $200 a month in Foodstamps doesn’t get you much at all.  I have nothing left after paying for this house!  I thought when I divorced my sons father I would no longer be mentally abused.  I refuse to suffer any longer, but it will take me months to get through things here.  I get sick in the heat and it is so hot and humid here, so I can’t do the shed or the yard sale until October!  I am hoping to find a pain doctor in Florida that will be willing to take me on.  It took five years to get the right meds for my pain, they are helping, though I will always have pain and very bad days.  I do not want any of it changed after all this time of finding something that actually helps!  

I am finally divorced from my last husband!  He was so wonderful in the beginning, it took three years before the real him came out completely.  He is 16 years younger than me and he acted like everything I ever wanted in a man, until we were together 3 years.  Then the real him came out, a liar and a thief.  He left me for 5-6 weeks, then came back.  The last year we were together was horrible!  I had a hysterectomy, they thought I may have cancer, which I did not.  He wasn’t there for me at all!  Then I was dying and it took 3 weeks for the doctor to figure out that he cut my ureter in the surgery.  6 weeks to the day of the first surgery, I had to have a massive surgery to save my life.  My husband was shitty as hell to me!  He left in September of 2014 after I found out he was cheating!  The divorce wasn’t final until this month!  It is over now, another chunk of my life wasted!  I dated for a bit, but every single guy just seemed to want sex.  So I started eating and gained 20 pounds and I have not dated at all since then.  I do not want to be with any man!  Unless a man comes along that will court me, it will never happen again!  I am 47 years old next month, I have been married 3 times!  I am DONE…  I do not want to deal with the drama and BS of a man in my life again…

I am overwhelmed and so stressed out.  In my darkest hour, the only ones that were here for me where my Mom (who is in FL) and my best friend, Lora, but she lives far away!  I couldn’t believe it, no one else was here for me at all!  I had always been there for everyone!  Not even one of my friends, that has been my friend since age 10!  Not my sister, who I always went to when ever she needed me!  I am and have been completely alone for at least 2 years now… 😰. I have found myself preferring to stay inside and away from everything.  I haven’t had a vehicle since last Novemebr either.  So, I am basically stuck here anyway!  I was supposed to get my grandson back this Friday, meet half way in Chattanooga, but my son said they will NOT do it and they have the only car here.  Real nice huh!  I have only stayed here broke and suffering so my son had a home… Fuck that!

For the life of me, I cannot figure out how I deserve this hell I live in!  I have always been a Good person!  I can’t handle my pain condition and my own mental crap even…  I have wanted to die more than ever in this year!  I could NEVER take my own life, but I have prayed several times for GOD to just take me back home already. No one should have to suffer like this… 😢 😰 😡 😤 😱 😥 😖

It’s Been Awhile… 

I have been having a very hard time this year!  My Chronic Pain has been very high and I do not have a support system or help.  I feel very alone, yet I do not want to deal with anyone either.  The depression sneaks in often, which is normal when pain levels are too high.  I try just to get through each day as they come, yet I have had some really bad times, where I am just Sick of being here…

It is impossible for anyone to even comprehend the hell of chronic pain, unless they too have it!  Trying to explain it is a waste of time and air.  I would never wish it on anyone and I often wonder what I did to deserve this hell!  I had always been there for others and helped everyone I could.  You sure do find out who really cares for you or loves you when you are down and out!  I have one friend, that I have had since age 10.  That is it!  She lives far away though.  Even family has forgot I even exist, except for my mother, who also lives far away…

I raised my grandson from birth to age 5, then he went to live with his father.  This was Important, to get him away from his mother (my daughter) who is a drug addict and gets violent.  My daughter lives on the streets or friends houses and all she cares about is getting high!  I missed him like crazy, but I have him for a short visit this summer.  I had not seen him in a year.  I love him more than anything!  Unfortunately, my son and his girlfriend, will not help me at all and with my chronic pain I have some very difficult times each day.  I get tears in my eyes every day from the pain and it is hard to explain to a 6 year old what is going on with me.  All I can do is my best each day, for him and for me to get through!  I really hate that my only living son won’t help me. But he will run and help the neighbors in a heartbeat.  He is an alcoholic, so he will do anything if he will get money or beer for it!  I try to survive on a very small fixed income each month, that leaves me with $50 after the mortgage…

 Lately, my son has been saying things like, “What are you going to do about it, Nothing!” When he gets in my face or I have to get onto him for breaking things in my home.  I don’t understand how my two living kids turned out this way!  My one son, who passed away at age 16, was the only good one!  He always talked to me and was there for me.  My kids were raised with morals and knowing what is right or wrong!  Yet my daughter is exactly like her father, who had not been in her life at all since she was 1 1/2 years old!  She is now 27!  My son is exactly like his father, but he was in his life until he was 14!  He is now 24!  His father was a great dad,until my oldest died and we had to move.  Then he got into drugs and cheated then left us all.  He has nothing to do with his son, ever since then!  I have only paid the mortgage so my son has a home and I have animals that I would have to find homes for if I left.  Now I am only staying because of the animals!  I have a cat that is anti social so I don’t think she would ever get adopted and I have a dog, that is very old.  I know I have to get out of here though, so I will have to spend months trying to sell things and find homes for my animals, before I can go live with my parents.  I cannot keep staying in such a negative environment, but I can’t tell my son I am leaving, because he will destroy everything here if I do…

I FEEL AFTER TIME, BEING AT MY PARENTS, I WILL FEEL MUCH BETTER …… It is just getting everything done so I can go there that is the issue…