WHY???

1.  I want to know why the doctors refuse to give me the medication that works the best for my panic disorder here, yet others seem to get it prescribed and turn around and sell it!  It pisses me off!  Alprozolam/Xanax is the absolute best medication for my panic disorder.  I was on that for over 10 years and that medication stops the attacks while also allowing me to feel completely NORMAL.  I Had tried many different medication, most that did not work at all.  I was originally put on Xanax down here back in 1995. When I moved back here, I was told they couldn’t give me that anymore.  They tried Klonopin, but that made me feel drunk and I don’t drink.  They put me on Ativan/Lorazapam.  This medication helps, but takes an hour to work at all and causes me to feel even more tired.  Xanax was made for someone just like me.  I was told that Xanax has a high abuse level and that is why they wouldn’t give it to me.  Let me tell you, I have NEVER abused medication, I have NEVER sold my medication and I have NEVER even shared my medication!!!  So, I am not allowed to be on the one medication that helps the most and allows me to feel normal.  WTF…

2.  Why is it that doctors never seem to give enough medication to actually cover the massive pain you live with every day of your life?  For the last 7 years I have been living with major intractable pain, that gets worse every damn year.  It took 6 years to just get on a medication that actually does help some.  After trying several different non-opioid medications that caused me to be severely depressed or suicidal or swell so bad I couldn’t walk at all.  Now the CDC is going after opioid medication like a steak dangling before a starved dog.  They are putting doctors in jail whose only crime was prescribing life saving opioids to patients in horrible pain.  The patients that are able to get up and go to work only because they have opioid medication to help them accomplish it.   The CDC wants ALL opioid medication gone by 2019.  That’s right, even the ones used in the hospital after surgery!  They are saying that we have an opioid crisis and people are dying.  The problem is they are grouping all the drug addicts that die from heroin and street drugs in the same group as chronic pain patients, because heroin is an opioid.  So what this does is take away the life saving medication from real pain patients.  Now these patients can no longer get up and go to work. Several have already taken their own lives, because the pain (untreated) is more than they can endure.  Many states here in the USA have adopted the CDC guidelines as rules and they have taken all the opioids away from the chronic pain patients there, or at the very least they have cut the medication way down.  This terrifies me, because if or when this happens to me, I will be one of the ones that is forced to just end my life.  Yes, you are going to see a massive increase in suicides over the next two years.  Just do a search online for “opioid crisis”. You will see the many things that the CDC has already started.  

3.  Why am I constantly being punished for being poor?  I worked for years and made very good money.  It is NOT my fault that I became disabled or that my ex-husband chose to walk out on me while I was recovering from  two major surgeries that saved my life.  Yet, every time I turn around, I am being punished for being poor!   If I had money, I would be able to pay the $100 for the Neurobehavioral Exam I need in order to obtain the Spinal Cord Stimulator, which may very well help with my constant intractable pain.  If I had money, I could get much better treatment and the best medications.  If I had money, I could afford to eat healthy, which would most likely help me on many levels.  But I don’t have money.  I struggle every month just to survive.  Let me break it down for you in my monthly bills and income: Mortgage-$482, Electric (budget billing) $158, Gas (budget billing) $42, Water-$90, RX copays-$30 = $802.00. My income per month is $813.00. That leaves me with $11.00 a month to buy toilet paper, personal hygiene items, etc.  I receive $200 a month in Foodstamps to replenish food items I need (like sugar,flour & condiments) and buy food to feed me for the entire month.  This is very difficult to do, so in order to have food to eat every day, I have to pick the cheapest options.  These are also the NOT good for you options.  My vehicle quit running two years ago and I don’t have money to have it fixed, plus I don’t have funds to pay for insurance or gas anyway.  My gas range (stove/oven) quit working over a year ago, again I do not have funds to have it fixed or buy a new one.  The dryer is on its way out as well.  Yes, I have tried everywhere here for any kind of help and there is none!  

Ok, that’s enough, I am feeling extremely depressed now………….

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It Never Ends…

Now my secondary insurance is saying I do not have full coverage.  So, I still cannot be seen by a psychiatrist because I am poor.  Which is it then?  First they said they don’t cover adults for mental health and now it is that I do not have full coverage.   I pray my general doctor will do the letter that my pain doctor needs and continue to prescribe my panic medication…

On top of that, the CDC has issued new rules on Opioid medication.  They do not want anyone to have opioid medication, even the chronic pain community.  Many have already had their meds reduced or completely taken away, leaving them in horrendous pain.  The CDC says this is to combat the overdose deaths, but those are actually happening with addicts and heroin.  They categorize heroin in with all prescribed opioids.  A hospital in Boston has already stopped giving opioid medication after surgery!  WTF!  Can you imagine not getting any form of help with the excruciating pain?  People with chronic pain conditions are being left, dropped by doctors.  Unable to work anymore due to this and many have killed themselves.  With NO hope of obtaining any form of relief from never ending pain, that seems to be the only option left.  There will be a huge increase in suicides as this progresses on.  Just do a search for “opioid epidemic or CDC opioids” you will see for yourself what I am referring to.  Doctors never give enough medication to really cover the pain as it is…

This year has been extremely difficult for me.  My pain is worse and spread to other areas.  My panic disorder has been very troublesome.  I am having to use a cane most of the time.  If I never had to stand, walk or bend; I would have less pain.  But, my wheelchair doesn’t fit in the doorways inside my house.  I need a power chair that will fit.  Hell, I need a lot of things, but no money to obtain them.  I need one of those small circle shower chairs and something to holed my shower head lower.  Showering is so painful, that I have not done it in 9 days now.  Yeah I know-Gross, but I do give myself a sponge bath daily.  Though, my hair need to be cleaned…

For me, even sitting has become painful.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  I already have to bring a thick foam cushion to sit on everywhere I go.  I feel like my entire back side of the pelvic bone plus both hips are being crushed inward.  The pain engulfs my butt cheeks as well, then it goes down my left leg (feels like a brain freeze after eating something frozen fast) and both my feet constantly feel like they are being crushed – but the outside area is completely numb.  The left side of my neck has never stopped hurting since I was beat.  I now have a lot of weakness in my left leg too.  I am unable to do much of anything and what I do get done is always from a padded chair on wheels.  I had to choose between toilet paper or toothpaste this month.  I only have a small amount of money to buy things I need every month and always having to choose between things I NEED!!!

My parents came up here from Florida and took me on their trip to Northern ILLINOIS to see my brother & sister and their families.  I am so grateful I got to see them all, since I know it will be the last time I get too.  I thought laying down in the back seat would help keep my pain lower, but it did not.  Most of the trip I was in tremendous pain.  The trip is normally 15-16 hours if you drive straight there, but my parents needed to stop driving by 4pm every day, so we stopped over at hotels twice to get there.  On the way back home, we stopped over night once.  I did get to see my grandson for an hour, which was very nice.  We left here on the 18th and returned here on the 26th.  

The neighbor gave us a gas oven, since mine hasn’t worked in two years, but it is missing the power cord and my father said it looked bad at the connection.  So, we continue on without an oven.  Story of my life, disappointed after disappointment………….

The never ending Shit-Storm called My Life…

I am disabled with mental health issues plus more, but when I tried to obtain mental health services my secondary insurance (Medicaid) would not pay.  It took 2 months to get any response on the matter from the Dept. of Human Services here in GA.  They said they do not cover mental health services for adults.  WHAT?  Why was I able to obtain them for several years prior?  How is that even possible?

My pain doctor is requiring a letter stating why I need my panic meds in order to continue to get pain meds, my general doctor refused to do this letter and took my meds from me.  After two weeks of hell, my general doctor agreed to help me with the meds, but not the letter, until I can be seen by a psychiatrist.  I have an appointment on the 27th with a psychiatrist. I have no way to pay $40 every time I go to the psychiatrist, but I also won’t survive without both my panic meds and my pain meds.  I honestly don’t know how I have not ended my life yet.  Oh wait, yes I do, I am too much of a pussy to kill myself!

I told the Medicaid office that the federal government passed a law last year stating that Mental Health Services have to be covered.  There are limits, but I can work with 20 visits a year.  I supposed it will be another 2 months before I hear back on that.  You can NEVER get through on the phone.  

I haven’t had a running vehicle in 2 years, have not had a working oven in over a year and a half, my coffee maker died yesterday, my dryer is on its last leg and I barely survive every month.  I literally have nothing left from the $813 a month I get, after I pay the mortgage & house bills.  I am supposed to be seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor…

I GIVE UP!!! I can’t take this hell storm anymore.  I have tried everything, everywhere and this state sucks.  There is nothing out there to help me………….

That’s It, I Am Done…

My pain doctor said I had to get a letter from my other doctor that prescribes my anxiety medication in order to continue to get my pain meds.  The letter needs to state why I need to take the medication and that there are no other alternatives.  I am disabled with Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia, that alone should state why I need the medication.  For 22 years I have fought the panic with agoraphobia cycles.  Today, my other doctor told me that he won’t do the letter, because it will make him liable if I die.  After I explained repeatedly and cried telling him I have already been through every medication out there over the last two decades and I am on the only one that even slightly helps, he still refused.  Now my anxiety medication has been taken away and I am given antihistamines.  I already know this road.  First I will withdrawal which is horrible and then the antihistamines will make me tired and increase my major depression.  So by doing this, the doctor has now greatly increased the chance that I will end my own life…

I cannot deal with anymore crap.  I am already struggling to survive and barely able to leave my home for appointments.  My sister tells me I eat too much bad food and I will be just fine if I eat healthy.  Hey guess what, I have $200 a month to get what the household needs and feed myself.  I can’t stand long to really cook much either.  All she did was make me feel even crappier and more depressed.  I don’t know why I keep reaching out to my siblings, it is never supportive or loving.  I have three siblings still alive.  Not one of them can even comprehend what I deal with, since they have not ever gone through any of my demons.  They have never had panic or agoraphobia or depression or chronic pain, etc.  I read that people can survive even cancer when they have a good support system.  Guess what….. I don’t have a support system at all…

I am exhausted, warn out, too damn tired!  I can’t even see right from all the stress, panic, anxiety (yes, panic and anxiety are two completely different things) and crying today.  I have fought hard and long to survive, now it is time for me to rest!  I so long for eternal peace.  I mentally and physically cannot do another thing.  I feel drunk, yet I don’t drink.  That is what all of this has done to me just today.  I give up!  I shall sleep while I can, because sleep will be fleeting without my medication………….

Panic & Anxiety, Stressing Out…

I’m have to go to court tomorrow, in my divorce my ex was made responsible for past debt, but the debt was in my name, so I am being brought to court by them trying to collect.  I am hoping all I have to do is show the judge the divorce papers and he can sign off so they can go after my ex.  But……. Having panic, Anxiety and Agoraphobia I always freak out before ANY appointment and it always starts the day prior.  So here I am, panicking about having to leave my house, having to wear the only thing I have allowed in court (which will make me hot and I get ill when I am hot) and having to be around way too many people!  To top it all off… I have to do the once a month grocery shopping on Tuesday and I have a doctors appointment on Thursday…

I just can’t seem to get myself to calm down or relax at all.  My medication for panic doesn’t seem to be doing a damn thing.  My entire body is wrenched up tight.  I can’t see right, my heart is racing and my limbs feel tingly.  I barely get any sleep the night before appointments as well.  Heck, I only slept 5 hours last night.  I want to go to bed right now, even though I won’t sleep, just to get some sort of relaxation.  Why do I have to be like this???

I am also stressing about not having an oven that works.  For some reason I am thinking about Thanksgiving, guess I won’t be able to cook this year.  Stressing about the dryer, which is on its last leg.  Everything comes up in my mind when my panic gets going.  I want to stop thinking, just be blank…

Writing tends to help.  I have already wrote 6 pages in my journal, so I am trying to write it out here too.  Back before the pain, I would pace and that would help, but now I can’t do that.  I guess I will try to sit in the bath, then just go lay in bed and listen to a guided meditation, until the pain makes me get back up again………….

Less Than 20 Hours Post-Op…

I had a Total Hysterectomy with BSO (taking both ovaries and tubes) yesterday at 8:30am, which is when the 2+ hour surgery began. I woke to intense burning pain all through my abdomen in a recovery area around 11:45 am. They gave me Duladid, but said after a couple of hours they had to stop giving it to me because my breathing slowed the six breathes a minute. Gee, thanks so much, it actually helped the pain. Now I have been left in so much pain I keep crying. They kept me in the recovery room where no one is allowed back there with me for over 7 hrs, because they couldn’t find a room! How does that happen? I was scheduled and they knew I would be here over night.

I made sure everyone here knew all about my chronic pain condition and that they would have to give me much stronger meds to touch my pain since I have been on high meds for years. I did all of that to make sure I would not be left to suffer. But I was left to SUFFER!

I ended up with a horrible panic attack in the recovery room because I was in a ton of pain and no one seemed to care and they had me trapped in there the entire day. I asked for help with the pain and nothing, I asked for my mother and that wouldn’t get her. I told them how I have panic disorder and I was in way too much pain…. Didn’t care! Not until I went Into a full blown panic attack, sobbing, calling out for my mom, screeching in horrible pain, which I am sure is why my entire belly is in tremendous pain too. You are supposed to relax and not be so upset that your sobbing and clenching your abdominal muscles and all the areas that were cut and burned, plus the vagina cuff that was sewn in to replace the cervix.

I am appalled at this hospital. So unorganized and even after I was assured before the surgery that my chart was highlighted so I would get the proper pain medication and not be left to suffer. I can stop crying as I write this!

I have sleep 15-30 minutes maximum at a time here. I am in too much pain and way to uncomfortable to find sleep. I won’t be able to find sleep at home either, because it need something that will help with this pain! I have been wishing I would of just died in there instead of all of this. You can’t heal without sleep!

I had to do a bowel prep the day before surgery and I was on an all clear liquid diet, plus I had to do an enema too. Then the entire day here yesterday of my surgery I was not ever allowed to eat. They kept thinking I was going to get sick if I ate, which I never do. So I am still sitting here in a ton of pain. No calories to help with the pain, no sleep to help me heal.

They just came in and said they are going to have a pain management doctor come in here today, so they can get my pain into better control and they are going to get me some food, wonder when that will happen. If I can pass gas today and eat a meal without being sick,I can go home tonight. I already know I can eat without getting sick and have told them this for days. Nothing like feeling like no one ever listens to you.

The entire round of stuff they gave me about thirty minutes ago has not touched this burning and cramping pain all through my gut, butt and stomach. Morphine injection, anti nausea injection and 2 lortab 7.5 tablets, which are way less then the pain medication I take normally four times a day. Maybe if I took those 2 baby tabs with my one 15mg oxycodone it would work, but they don’t give it to me. Ugh….. I need pain control, so that I can sleep, in order for me to heal.

More Disappointment…

So, “B” decides he is going to change jobs and he starts the new one next week. I had told him to tell them up front that he could not work on the 30th due to my surgery. When he returned yesterday from doing the paperwork for the new job, I asked about the 30th and he said it didn’t look like he would be able to have it off. Really!?! Thank God my mother is driving up here for my surgery. I must of known inside this would happen since I listed her as my next of kin and who can make decisions for me.

It is just so hurtful. I used to be the most important person to him and he followed me around like a lost puppy. I don’t understand why I deserve this. In my greatest time of need!

I have been wondering if all the horrible pain I am in every day of my life will go away after the surgery. I also wonder what they will find once they are in there and can actually see everything. I have a fear of them having to cut me wide open. I do not want that! I have no one to talk to about how I feel and my fears. “B” can’t handle it and everything turns into a fight. My kids can’t handle the truth either. I talk to my mom, but I have to hold back some because she gets upset and worries.

I did get the things made that I needed to do before my surgery. In order to have enough supply while I recover. Laundry detergent, dishwasher detergent, thieves oil blend which I use for an all purpose cleaner and my bug oil blends that I make a bug spray with.

Now next week I have scheduled small tasks each day. One day I will dust my bedroom, another day I will clean the bathroom. Mind you these tasks take me the entire day to perform. Some things I won’t be able to do either. Wash my sheets the day before surgery. All so I can have a clean environment when I get home from the hospital.

The day before surgery is going to be loads of fun, NOT! That is when I have to shower when I get up with antiseptic wash and then go the entire day on a clear liquid diet along with drinking the magnesium citrate and in the evening I have to do an enema followed by another shower with antiseptic wash. When I get up on surgery day I have to once again shower with the antiseptic wash, then through on my clothes and go to the hospital. The wash says to wash the area from neck down for five minutes, then rinse and pat dry. Keep away from the private areas! I never had to do this before surgery before. I guess it is an extra step to make sure the area is as clean as possible. Three showers in a 24 hour period will wipe me out! That is why I only scheduled to wash my sheets that day.

My pain is off the charts. I have to take my grandson to his speech appointment in a few minutes. The area around my left hip is throbbing in pain and it goes all the way down my left leg into my left foot. My daughter wants me to take her grocery shopping too, but I told her I will have to come home and take a nap first………….