Post-Op Day 6…

I woke very early to the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I now have a new number 10 score for pain. Low and deep in the left lower abdomen. Felt hot and sharp as if I were being gutted that very moment. Tears flew out of my eyes uncontrollably. I found myself begging god to ease the pain. I spent a solid 20 minutes like this, which felt like an entire day. I had been getting worse every day instead of better. Everything I read said how you MUST take your pain medications on schedule and you MUST rest.

For the first four days after surgery all I really did was sleep, by the time I woke between sleeping spells to take medication, I walked around too much or I would grab up my iPad and things I needed and took them outside with me. No joke when they say DO NOT LIFT ANYTHING!

I did not want to ever feel that amount of fresh and horrific pain again in my life, so I sat down and made a plan. I set up alarms to go off every 4 hours for me to take my pain meds. To start it all off, I wrapped my belly snug in the binder I received at the hospital and I took my morning medications plus a double dose of pain medication and some ibuprofen with Baclofen and Ativan. In one hour I was unable to stay awake any longer, so I climbed slowly back in bed. I slept about 2 1/2 hours. I slowly got up and went to the bathroom, as I have to pee every time I wake. Peeing hurts. All I can say is relax as much as possible and lean forward and it tends to come out easier. I then spent the half hour until my next dose of meds checking my email, sitting and movements to a minimum. Then the alarm went off to take my meds, which I did and in under an hour, I was ready to go back to sleep. I did this the entire day and by mid afternoon I was feeling better with less unbearable pain. My friend stopped by, but I was only able to make it one hour awake so it was a short visit.

You have to sleep in order for your body to heal. When I had my gallbladder out it was such a breeze and I never even felt super tired, but it guess there is way more anesthesia used for a hysterectomy and way more areas to heal. I have set an alarm to go off at 3am so I can take a dose of pain meds in the night and go use the bathroom on schedule instead of waiting to be woke up by the horrid pain. I am going to stick to this plan this entire week. I have already seen a reduction in the intensity of the pain so that’s a huge plus. I figure after a couple of days I will get in front of the pain and things will begin to turn around.

They did not tell me anything at the hospital. Everything I did know, was from all the reading I did prior to my surgery. The web site called “HysterSisters.com” is fabulous! I don’t care how you feel, stay in bed and only get up to use the bathroom the first two weeks! You will save yourself from pain that is by far the worst pain known to man. Fortunately, I have been sleeping easily. It is a good thing I can sleep, because I am unable to sit propped up in bed to watch TV, it causes a boat load of pain.

I will keep you updated on all of this. No new pictures tonight, because it looks exactly the same. I did discover that the entire front of my coochy is also black and purple and swollen. Every time I stand up I feel like I am tearing open my stomach.

I am ready for bed, meds taken, teeth brushed, face washed. Now I need to change my nightgown and put the binder back on in hopes it will help with the middle of the night bathroom usage. I had been taking it off every night and putting it back on in the morning. I still have not had a BM, so I will most likely be doing a fleet enema tomorrow sometime………….

Post Surgery, Radical Hysterectomy with both ovaries and tubes removed…

I had a Radical Hysterectomy on Monday June 30th. I don’t even remember going into the OR, I just remember saying good bye to my mom then waking up in recovery. I was in horrendous pain. They refused to give me the only thing that touched the pain, saying that when they gave it to me my respiration went down to six per minute. Then I was just left there. I was told they were trying to get a room for me, but couldn’t find one. WTH!?! I had this scheduled for a while, how is there no room. I was left for several hours in torturous pain and I was not even given any of my normal medications while I was left there. I made sure everyone was aware of my chronic pain, depression and panic disorder prior to my surgery! Since they did not prevent the pain or my panic, I ended up in a full blown panic attack which wrenched up my abdomen in all kinds of ways. I pulled stitches and still have a set that are bleeding two days later. My stomach swelled up like I am pregnant with the right side much larger than the left.

I was sent home from the hospital the next day even though the said they would not send me home if I was in pain and that I had to pass gas, which I still have not done. To date that was the most torturous thing I have ever went through, just add it to the list.

I am still in way too much pain and I feel very sick. I am sleeping short spells then the pain makes me get up. I came home from the hospital with a prescription for 10 mg more of the medication I am already on. Needless to say, that is not doing much for me. Every time I wake up I pray I will Hurt less. It has been two days now. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I should of made them all write a plan on how they were going to manage my pain before I had the surgery, instead of trusting in them.

I am also having spells of crying. More joy! All of which, cause my belly to hurt even more! I will try to write more tomorrow and I hope this all makes sense, because I feel like I do not make sense.

Another Day…

I woke this morning to horrible pain, as if I wasn’t already dealing with so much pain anyway. No matter what I have tried I just can’t seem to ease this pain! I tried to go back to bed, but it hurt so much I could not stay in the bed. It hurts no matter how I am. I just want to get through this day! I am still deeply depressed, but I will see the doctor for that in two days.

I have not come out of my room yet. I feel so bad and I am afraid someone will say something that will irritate me and I will feel anger. I am tired of it all. The rash on my neck is now covering my entire neck and very puffy. It itches but if I scratch it, I then have horrible pain there too. I cannot go to the doctor for this, because it have to pay too much and I have NO money! I need just one area of my life to be easy. Sitting here to type this, my tailbone, left low back, left hip and buttocks are is in major pain. Crushing me and throbbing and jabbing me.

I Must find something to occupy my mind away from this hell. I am going to try to crochet again. I want to scream! It hurts so much…. Please, just give me some relief…..

UPDATE: (Venting…)
I am so sick of LAZY people in this house! I am in a ton of pain, my right leg is stuck in a cramp that won’t go away. I wobble my way out of my room to the living room and my sons girlfriend is laying on the couch, because she is just so tired and just can’t seem to get enough sleep. My grandson has not even been fed lunch at this point, which it was 3pm! He tells me he is hungry and wants a hotdog. Of course my son and his girlfriend are just laying on the couch and they do not bother to get up and fix him something to eat. So I get up, wobble to the kitchen, with tears in my eyes, get a hotdog and heat it up, then cut it up and put it on his plate with a few chips. Then I get my grandson to the table and in his chair to eat his lunch. The entire time She is just laying there. I mean really!?! Why can’t anyone seem to grasp the amount of pain I am in? Why do I have to live in a house full of lazy slobs that can’t even take care of a three year old! Then She gets up just to get her iPod, which she is always glued too! FU! I want to slap her and say, “You might wake up if you got up off the damn couch and moved around!” I know I am depressed and in too much pain, so I have been getting very annoyed with things lately! The kitchen hasn’t been cleaned up. There are NO clean knives and everything is piled all over the kitchen counter. The kitchen is very small and the rule is who ever gets up with my grandson is supposed to clean up the kitchen. I can’t do it all anymore. I don’t ask for much. I don’t know what else to do. What can I say to knock the sense into these people? How do I get them to realize the amount of pain I am in? Come on!

The PAIN woke me at 4am…

I finally was able to go to sleep around 1am, then at 4am I was suddenly awakened to crushing pain in my low back, hips, tailbone and abdomen. I took two Aleve Liquid Gels and waited 40 minutes. Nothing, still being crushed to death! I took my muscle relaxer and waited a half hour. Nothing, still being crushed to death and quite tired of it! So I took a pain pill and after a solid hour I attempted to go back to bed. I finally fell asleep around 8:30 am. I then woke up again at 10am. Ugh……….

Needless to say, I am going back to bed as soon as I am finished with this post. I am really struggling to get through these days. It’s horrible! Pain that intense is impossible to busy the mind away from. Then you are also so exhausted on top of it all. I am listening to my body today and I will stay in bed or go back to bed as many times as is needed. Lack of sleep and the pain drains the energy from your body as well. Not a good combination, my mental health is showing definite signs of it already.

What are some things you have found to help you get through the severe episodes of pain? I have tried many things. Usually, on a normal day, I can occupy my mind and not dwell on it so much. Yet the severe days seem impossible to get away from. I appreciate any and all comments or suggestions.

Struggling………….

I have been struggling the last couple of days. I have had to go back to bed every morning because I cannot get a handle on my pain. New pain in new areas too. Stabbing, hot lightning bolts in my toes and feet. Throbbing aching in my knee. Muscles seizing up in my feet and legs. Hips crushing upon me. Burning deep knifelike pains in my tailbone. The hard penetrating pain in my low back. The never ending deep aching and crushing pain in my neck. It would be easier to list what does NOT hurt me…

I really feel like I can NOT continue on this way. I cannot and have not in a long time, been able exercise or move about much at all and yet I keep loosing weight. Not complaining, since it did need to loose some weight, yet it worries me how it is happening. I have been unable to occupy my mind on other things, due to the intensity of the pain. My mind feels like it is going mad, on a crazy ride where I fear I may never return. Pain does that, you know! When you cannot catch a break from it. My daughter has even told me how she feels very worried about me, because she saw my recent picture and noticed the amount of weight I have dropped. I wonder why it doesn’t seem to concern my doctor at all. Isn’t that a significant sign of ‘something’ being seriously wrong? I have not weighed this low since the birth of my first child 27 years ago. I am pretty comfortable with my weight as it is right now. Another ten pounds would put me right at normal weight. I have Not built any muscle mass, because I cannot exercise. So I have really skinny legs and a pouch of extra skin at my abdomen. When my own mother told me I was skinny, that shocked me! She insists that if I had cancer they would have discovered it by now or I would already be dead from it, due to the level of pain I am in. I have NO clothes that actually fit me. Everything just hangs off of me by the straps at the shoulders. Just four months ago I fit fine in my older clothes from loosing weight back in 2006. It just seems so quickly that I reduced so much in size. I am pretty sure the neighbors are convinced I am on some kind of drugs.

So, I just don’t really know what to do next. I see my actual PM doctor in December instead of his PA, because I insisted on it. What should I be bringing to his attention besides the weight loss and increase in pain? I’m miserable more often than not and mentally I feel over run. How can anyone deal with this amount of pain and in so many areas, without a break? It has to take you mentally over an edge. It is rare that I smile or can even not be miserable. I hate that. I don’t want to drag anyone down with my negativity that emanates from me, because I am consumed in too much pain. I will have 10 minutes, if even, to get my doctors attention. What do I need to say? It is taking everything I have to just try to make it each moment to the next. I have tried so many searches in what is the cause of it all. I cannot pin point it. Severe pain that seems to be spreading through my body over time. Muscle cramps that wrench my feet and toes up. I do soft stretches every single day. I have circulation in my feet and toes even though I cannot feel half of them and the other half hurts to high hell. What do I do now? How do I get through this? What will it take to give me a break from it all? One month until my appointment. I am on a much higher dose of a skeletal muscle relaxant, that does help the leg cramps, yet nothing is touching my feet! I take my pain medication on schedule and never miss a dose. I take my night time medication so I can sleep, which I do for about six hours usually, then I am up due to the pain, take my next dose of meds and back to bed I go. I have spent the entire day, that I have been out of bed, in the recliner in the living room. Normally I can find a two hour window in the afternoons to get something done, like some laundry or pick up a bit. Though, the past couple of days I have been able to do nothing. This is when it is so hard to move forward. When you cannot occupy your mind away from the pain!

It Is Time For Me To Throw In The Towel….

Halloween has always been my favorite time of year. I would spend months making new props and preparing to scare the trick or treaters as they walked through my haunted walk to receive candy. We were unable to do Halloween last year due to lack of participants, so this was the first time I was able to do Halloween while I have been in severe chronic pain. And let me tell you, I have to throw in the towel and not do it ever again, unless they find and fix the cause of all my horrendous pain! I couldn’t even make it just sitting and handing out candy. I was in so much pain I wished death would come swiftly! Even today I am over run with the intense disabling pain. It is so very frustrating to me. Disappointing too. As if I am not allowed to enjoy a single thing anymore. What am I being punished for? I have always been a caring and loving person that over looked others issues and accepted them no matter what. I may not be in a wheel chair this year, yet, but I cannot continue on in this much intense pain! This is so unfair! Am I not allowed an ounce of happiness? Living life mainly from my bedroom is not living life!

I will take today and rest and hope that tomorrow is a much better day, however, lately I say this every day. Something has got to give! I am thankful that I have a comfortable bed to lay upon. Now I will go lay upon that comfortable bed and pray that my pain will ease.

I just want it all to end…

I am in so much pain that it takes every ounce within me and every single medication I have to just get through a single day…
Dealing for over three years of constant pain with the levels running from a minimum of a 6 up to the highest of total hell at a 10. Six would be after a lot of rest and an arsenal of medications, that will last for two to three hours. When you cannot get down to a number that allows you to do things to occupy your mind, you become severely depressed. The pain eats away at you and your life becomes pure hell. The light can no longer be seen at the end of the tunnel. Darkness surrounds you and you are completely alone!

No position is comfortable. No place to go to hide from the torturous pain that has consumed you. You cannot sleep, or eat or even find one little thing that will bring a smile to your face… I know the importance of keeping your mind busy. So you can move your focus away from the pain. Being able to work on crafts or anything that will occupy your mind is key in survival for anyone who suffers daily in the hands of chronic pain! One thing is for sure, it costs money. And money I do NOT have. Not only that, but when the pain stays consistently at such a high level it drags you down the depression tunnel. It is next to impossible to even think, let alone, of something that will occupy my mind. Here I am, lack of sleep and unable to think or do much of anything. Fearing the inevitable, which is being in a wheelchair again. Wishing something would lessen the pain and that you would find some money so you could go to the store and get something to work on. All creativity has vanished, now unable to even think of one single thing that I could do to keep my mind busy. Pain is hell, it is pure torture. It takes everything away from you! Being positive is a must in dealing with chronic pain, but yet, it is impossible when the pain is just too high and for too long. Now the only thoughts you have are dark and depressing. You just want the hell to stop, once and for all! Suddenly, all hope has left you and there is no one there to tell you it is ok. Try telling yourself it is ok when the pain has consumed all the light you were ever able to find.

I miss my family so much. To be able to see them on the weekends and hang out. To have my sister always there for me. Now I am just here, very far away from my sister and brother and nieces & nephews. I have missed them all these years, but when the darkness consumes you, you can’t seem to stop feeling so lonely and in desperate need of my family!

It is 3 AM and I am unable to sleep!

I just cannot seem to find sleep, even with all the medications that should put me to sleep! Both of my feet have been getting worse in the pain department. At the balls of both my feet I have a crushing and throbbing pain. My three middle toes on both feet are numb and have been for a year. It seems like every Fall the pain spreads. I feel very tired, yet the pain will not allow me to go to sleep. I just saw my Pain Management Doctor on Thursday, well his PA anyway. I am tired of always seeing the PA and I demanded my next appointment to be with the actual doctor. The PA just keeps trying me on every type of medication possible in the category of seizure medicine. I can’t take the stuff! Only one helped with my actual pain and that one made me gain weight and swell so I was taken off of it. The PA decides to put me back on it, but at a low dose. SMH! I cannot even fill the prescription because it is not covered and I cannot afford to pay for it! I ask every single time about other treatment options, since they said two years ago that there were many to try, but they only did a dozen epidural steroid injections until I said, “No More!” They did not help! The anti seizure meds make me feel really stupid and they do nothing for the pain. A few have made me severely depressed. I pointed out my feet and how I have a space gaping between the two center toes now. He just barely looks at it and then goes on the path of the seizure meds again. I am calling on Monday if this continues. By then I will be completely miserable with no sleep and so much constant pain, that I am sure to be a joy to speak with. It has become very hard to just walk from one room to another!

Why, do we have to suffer so much, while drug addicts find ways to get all kinds of medication that are meant for us, the ones in real pain? My muscle relaxer doesn’t do much for me anymore, I have been on it for over a year. I think the dose is now too low. I get so tired of waiting for ever to see the doctor, then being pushed in and out like I am nothing! I have had severe pain for four years, three of them being constant! Finding a doctor that is worth a damn is next to impossible here. This is my second pain management doctor, since back in the beginning I went to a complete jerk who liked to torture me. My general doctor sent me to this doctor after hearing what the other doctor did. There are two pain centers here. With my insurance, it tends to be very hard to find a doctor who really cares or takes his time with you. What do we have to do in order to get it through their heads? If we could touch them and let them actually feel the pain we live with, I bet they would change their attitude and treatment of us!

Sorry for the rant… This is what happens when you cannot find any break from the pain your in, then it starts effecting your sleep, the one thing that allowed you a break from your pain!

Occupying the Mind…

I have spent the last couple of weeks focusing on occupying my mind away from the intense pain I have. This does help quite a bit, though there are days no matter what you do the pain gets to you. What did I do? I am so glad you asked, I focused on crafts. They are enjoyable to me and keep the mind very busy. Since Halloween is this month I had an area where I worked on props for our Halloween haunted walk for the trick or treaters to get their candy. I add a new prop each year and I have to make it from scratch since money is not available. This year I created a zombie head and hand, which turned out very nice. B made a box for it so it looks like it is coming out a window, he used wood he had laying around. It actually looks a lot like a ticket booth. I wanted the head to move so I put it on an old oscillating fan. I also worked on sewing projects. I have used up most of the material I had in a bin now though. I made check book covers and wallets and a purse for a friend. So I moved from one craft station to another. Because I cannot sit for long periods or stand or walk. Being sure to take breaks often and not over do it, which would create a much worse state of pain intensity! I also worked on crocheting when I had to recline, I made a pretty cool purse.

Keeping your mind busy does work. It helps you stay focused on something other than the pain. The pain is screaming at you and even one moment of silence, allows the pain to have a voice and consume your thoughts, which also intensifies the pain levels. The only problems is this, how can someone keep busy all the time when there is only so much you can do for free…. Money may not buy happiness, but it sure can make life much easier. I often clean to occupy the mind, but I have to be very careful there! Bending, pushing and pulling are all things that can and will send me to the floor in tears.

A friend of mine, back from high school, gave me an hour massage and a 30 minute aromatherapy soak at a spa. She is all the way up in IL and I am down here in GA. So very nice of her. I had thought that if I could get a massage, soak in a hot tub and relax, maybe I could reset my pain levels. She suffers from intense pain in her neck, shoulder and down her arm into her hand. I was super excited and went to my appointment for my massage and soak. I asked for a Myofascial massage because I did not want to risk the pain a deep tissue massage could cause. I have had several deep tissue massages back before I was in this pain and they were great, but I feared the level of pain one would cause now that I am in so much pain and even pressing on my lower back hurts very much! The massage therapist was sweet, but she said a Myofascial massage would not help me and she then went a head and did deep tissue. I was scared, but I figured she knew what she was talking about and I sucked it up thinking it would all be better when it was done. I could feel every one of my lumpy spots that are connected to pain when she went over them, some sent shooting pain down my leg. After the massage I felt the least amount of pain I have felt in three years. I then was taken to the aromatherapy soak and I made it about 20 minutes before I became to hot and had to get out, but I felt good and relaxed and mostly pain free. This lasted about an hour, then I had a deep pinching pain start in my right lower back (which I had never had before, it’s always been my left side) and then shooting pain down my right leg. Holy crap! The pain I have on the left side was now going crazy on my right side. Yikes! I had trouble walking and when I finally arrived home I wobbled to my room to take my pain medication along with my anxiety medication and a muscle relaxer. I then spent three solid days wishing I never had the massage in the first place. More intense pain than I already was dealing with. There went that idea of a massage and soak helping my pain levels. The therapist did say my back was so bad that I would need several 90 minute sessions, I don’t think so, even if I had the money for that! I am still battling extremely high levels of pain. I am at the top of the charts in pain and focusing on anything with my mind has been almost impossible. Not to mention, the major lack of support I have in my home life. My home life is more like a giant stress and negativity chamber! I often hide in my room or bathroom just to find peace. Well, I checked massage off the list of possible things to help my pain levels. I see my pain doctor this Thursday, but I always end up seeing the PA who I can’t stand! I feel like I am rushed in and out and they have not tried anything else after I refused any more epidural steroid injection after the dozen I had with no help to my pain! So, I have my list to remind me to state, “what can we try next?” Don’t get me wrong, without my pain medication I would not be getting out of my bed. I just know there are other things to try and one might work or help at the least. The numbness in my toes is spreading and the intense pain in the ball of my feet has also spread. Muscle spasms all up my legs and back. When I asked the PA before why he could not give me more coverage with pain medication, he said it would cause me to sleep all day. Really!?! The medication does not make me tired. I get a window of time where the hard edge of the pain is lessened and that is when I can focus on occupying my mind more. Maybe for most people the medication causes drowsiness, but it sure does not do that to me. What is the purpose of pain medication? To help people that are in real pain! I have noticed that when someone is really in pain, the medication does help take the edge off the pain and it does not make you high or messed up like when drug seekers go after the medications. The simple fact that is am dressed, with makeup on and present in your office wide awake, should tell you I am not being negatively effected by the medication.

Well, it never fails, I get on a rant and ramble on too long. My point is and was, that occupying your mind does help keep you focused off the pain. Just finding what you can do and setting up some kind of stations to do those things is the first step. Do not get down on your self for having bad days. Allow it to be what it is. It is ok to feel down and hate the fact your life has become a mountain of pain, just do not allow yourself to dwell there. Feel it, acknowledge it and move forward. Keep pushing each and every day. We have to be kind to ourselves, just like we would if we were our best friend. Hug yourself, tell yourself it is all going to be ok and look in the mirror and smile when you feel the darkness of despair. It works! The act of smiling, even when depressed, releases chemicals that help us feel better. I tend to laugh even when I am very down, as I look at myself and force a smile on my face. These simple things do make a difference in our lives! Hang in there….

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I just don’t understand men…

So my Significant Other (S0) has always told me that my weight does not change how he feels about me, but I was not getting any attention when I was over a certain weight. Now that I am under that weight, he is back to not wanting me to go anywhere without him, has to know everything I do and actually pays some attention to me. His statement was always this, “You are still you no matter what you weight and I love you!” I see now that is NOT true. So superficial! 😒

When i wake in the morning I always spend about ten minutes with my thoughts. I have been waking with random songs in my head lately. So today I decided to play the song in my head on YouTube. “You keep on pushing my love over the borderline”. I had not heard or seen that video since the 80’s. So that got me thinking about how my ‘SO’ has been acting. 👿

In the beginning of our relationship, he was glued to me and was overly worried about my health and well being. That lasted for a year, then he began to be more his normal self. Which is a lying jerk actually. Turns out he lied to get me to pay attention to him while I was in one of the darkest times of my life. He manipulated me and I fell for it, because I was desperate for attention. However, every man I have ever been with does this! They shower me with attention and sex and then a year or so later it goes away. I like to have sex often, but after a year or so every man dwindles down to once a month! I asked my second husband why this occurred and he said it was because he could have sex anytime he wanted so he didn’t think about it anymore. What is with that? To me sex is the ultimate attention. I love it. I hear men complain all the time that their ‘SO’ doesn’t ever want to have sex. Yet I have the opposite problem. They always do it often for a year or so then dwindle off. I know relationships are super exciting in the beginning and I myself love that feeling, but I just wanted to get married once and stay with that person until I died so I never had to worry about a disease and could have sex when ever I wanted. Wait a minute, maybe it’s not a challenge anymore with me since I want to do it all the time. Maybe that is why they always dwindle off in the amount of sex. A year or two of sex anywhere and everywhere and they get to do anything they ever wanted to do. Hmmm, that must be it! I need to refuse sex, then I might get it more. 😈

I was married the first time at age 16, because I was pregnant. That marriage ended after 4/5 years because he was a drunk and while I was at work and he was watching our two kids, he would leave them alone asleep in our apartment and go do things like start dumpster fires or shoot out the lights in the building. He was crazy and I didn’t know it because I was young and stupid! When the officer called me at work and told me if I left my kids with him one more time they would take them away from me, I kicked him out and filed for divorce. 😡
Marriage two, I was with him for five years and a kid later before I would even marry him. He kept bugging me to get married so I did after five years! We were together for a total of 16 years and he decided doing drugs and screwing women at work was what he wanted. So, when he came to get some of his stuff after not coming home for several days, I kicked him out and filed for divorce! He was also a drunk! 😪
I insisted I would not even date another alcoholic and I didn’t. But that is when the much younger lying man entered my life. He is not a drunk, nope. After a year of him being everything I always wanted he decided he wanted to get married and we did, then it all went down hill! It was like he took the list of all I wanted in a man and made himself be that for a year. Once he married me he stopped being that man, because it wasn’t the real him. I am done with men, I am staying married until I die no matter what and that is it!😔

Sorry for my random thoughts on things. I always start at point A and then randomly go off the chart to other points. My thoughts come so fast that it’s like a winding roller coaster! The point is I have been married three times and have been with a few men, yet I still just don’t understand how men think at all. Or should I say don’t think…lol! I know women are needy and attention loving people, but I know men like the attention as well, so you would think it would work out well. One thing is for sure, I do NOT need a keeper. I am 44 years old and I can take care of myself. If you cannot be there for me fully in my darkest hour, then you should not be there reaping the rewards of me in my brightest! But, I do not want to ever deal with another man or have to date or risk getting a disease, so this is it for me! I have been around the block too many times and I have now realized the block is always the same, so why go around that block yet another time! Nope, not for me! I just have to learn to accept it all as it is and find a way to be alright with it! 😏