Grief & Pain Goes On Forever…

Some background information:

My oldest child died in a car accident in 2003.  I have severe chronic pain.  I also have the following conditions:  Major Depression, Panic Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Hypertension, Glaucoma, Arthritis-Osteo, Pinched/Bulged Nerves, Nerve Damage, Bursitis, several issues in the entire spine (cervical-tail bone), I am Disabled and I have been Married & Divorced 3 times (last 2 cheated & left me)…

Next month will be 13 years since my son died at age 16, in a car accident.  I always begin to have issues in May and in October until January 2(Halloween, Thanksgiving, his Birthday, Christmas and New Years Eve).  This year has been very raw, pain like I felt right after he passed.  I have found myself balling my eyes out at random times.  I have no clue why it is so very raw this year…

I have also been feeling extremely alone.  My sister, that I have always been close too, never emails me first.  She responds to my emails, but that’s all.  I did not email her for months and I have no heard from her at all.  My other sister and brother Never contact me.  My mother will email me if she doesn’t hear from me for a few days.  That’s it!  I would always vent to my mom, but it has been stressing her out and I don’t want to cause her any stress, so I am not doing that anymore…  

I am filled with questions like, “Why wasn’t I ever good enough?”  For my ex-husbands.  “Why am I even here?”  Every single day, every minute, I am in pain both physical and emotional.  I am completely alone.  I have one friend and she lives far away, I don’t hear from her much at all, but I miss her horribly.  No one to talk too or share things with.  I chose to not even try to have a relationship over a year ago, because every single guy I met only seemed to care about looks and sex.  I want a meaningful relationship, not casual sex! I rarely ever get out of my house.  I no longer have a running vehicle and I live well below the poverty line.  Finding things to eat is not fun at all!  I gained weight from being laid up for months, now I have some help with the pain, but not enough for me to be able to walk more than 100 steps.  I want to move around enough to loose the 20 pounds I gained!  This is NO Life…

The only person that would be affected by my death is my son.  Though, he does not take the time to even talk with me or spend time with me.  He would loose his home if I were no longer here.  I pay the mortgage and have nothing left after…

I know I feel better when I eat only naturally occurring foods, but I can’t afford that.  I have to get what I can, to try to make it, an entire month on $100!  I have tried to plant vegetables and no matter what I do, something kills them off.  They do good for the first half of growing, then they die.  I have even tried to do a raised bed on the driveway, but they are dying off!  I don’t have money to buy anything to help with whatever is going wrong.  I barely have any full sun areas available now, the large shade tree has grown out so much it covers up pretty much everywhere.  We need that shade, it gets so hot and humid here from May through September.  Though, I wish I could cut it back where I need the sun, but it is too far up…  UGH…….  And, how am I going to pay the electric bill with the A/C running?  When I lived in Southern IL, I was able to get all kinds of help.  Here there is Nothing…

I have found myself just WISHING I would not care and not think anymore…  The physical pain is bad enough, but this emotional hell on top of it all is just too much!  I wonder if things like this are what cause some people to become alcoholics or drug addicts.  I have heard many say they just could not deal with things, so they turned to drugs and alcohol to not have to deal.  I HATE alcohol and I don’t like not being in control of my mind, so I guess those are out for me…  

Fear is what keeps me here.  Fear won’t let me take my own life, so I am stuck here no matter what!  I fear screwing it up and being even worse off than I already am.  I fear that there is NOTHING on the other side of death.  I fear PAIN, even though I am in a lot of pain every moment of my life…

So here I am, basically Stuck here, in constant physical pain and almost constant emotional pain, without being able to even get the proper food to eat.   Without a vehicle to go anywhere or do anything.  Far away from my entire family and one friend I have had since age ten… A L O N E…

I also know that keeping the mind occupied is very important for being able to deal with chronic pain.  Normally I would do a craft, draw or color, but with the emotional crap I  have been unable to find a single thing that I want to do or even try to do!  It is a viscous circle!  The only thing I have been able to do is watch TV.  It helps while I am enthralled with the show, but that is more laying around doing nothing.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I wish they would hurry up and make insurance cover online counseling.  I have no way to get to a therapist, so talking to one online would be the only way, but I don’t have money to pay for it.  My psychiatrist dropped me a year ago saying my insurance wasn’t paying.  It is the only place here that takes my insurance and it took me a year to get in there!   What am I supposed to do?  I am literally stuck in my home!  I have a ride twice a month for doctor appointments…

I have one grandchild, I raised him from birth (my daughter is a drug addict).  He is 6 years old and as of last June, he now lives with his father far away…

Every single day is the same… REPEAT…  I have always been a good person and chose the right things to do.  How the hell do I deserve this life now?  They say to spend a year just being with yourself and not Ina relationship.  I have more than done that.  Now what?  I don’t know if I can even trust another man anyway, let alone all they seem to want is sex and I am not doing that.  Casual sex does nothing for me.  But sex in a relationship with Love, is amazing… 

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Fighting the Darkness of Depression…

I have had a bad week, as I often do.  I can’t seem to get away from the darkness of my depression and the thoughts of ending my torment once and for all.  What actually stopped me, my son.  I thought of him finding me and the pain he would go through.  I can honestly say that it is only my son that keeps me on this earth now.  I just can’t leave him like that.  He is 23 and chances are good that he will die way before I do.  You see, he is insulin dependent diabetic and doesn’t take care of his diabetes as he should.  It takes about 15 years to kill an organ with high blood glucose.  He suddenly became diabetic at age nine when a virus attacked and killed his pancreas.  The least I could do is hold on and be here for him for the rest of his life.  He is unable to hold down a job, because his diabetes is extremely resistant to insulin and is often off the charts or so low he can barely function.

I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts my ENTIRE life!  As if dealing with that and chronic pain was not  enough, I now find myself struggling and stressed out, no end, on how to pay the electric bill every month.  My old van has not been running well and the battery has finally died.  How does one get things they need just to survive, when one has no money?  It is all way too much for me to deal with.  At my age, I should not be in this position, but I married three worthless men, that I spent years building their credit and their self esteem, just for them to cheat on me and leave…

I have finally come to the point in my life where I am happy to be just me, without a man!  Yet, I cannot enjoy this!  I have to worry and stress and try to find things to sell, just to survive.  We get two actual full meals a week, because we can only get the food we can purchase with the Foodstamps we are allowed.  $300 a month for the two of us and the cost of food is insane.  I try to get fruit and vegetables, anything I possibly can that is good for us.  We eat a lot of rice!  I wasn’t raised to be like this or in this position, which makes it all the more degrading!  I am disabled and cannot work, for so many reasons it is nuts.  I rarely am able to drive myself anywhere.  I have to live on $810 a month.  My mortgage is $500 each month.  The gas runs around $60 right now and the water is about $75-$80.  The electric bill, this last month, was $305!  The insurance, I am required to have on my old ass van, is $78 per month.  How am I supposed to make it?   Ugh….. I don’t know what to do anymore.  I have called everywhere for any help I can find.  Where I live, there is not help available.  I do know that I cannot keep going like this.  I have begged my family and everyone I know, but no one can help.

So, the last week I have been extremely down in the darkness of depression.  I allowed myself to rest and not push myself to do anything.  Normally, this helps me get past it, but I am still here and it is very dark!  I have reached out to a few friends, just to talk, but I have been ignored or told that what I feel is wrong.  I know that if I did end my life, those people would feel sad and say that they wished they could of helped me.  I just need someone to listen to me and maybe offer up some words of encouragement.  Yet, I cannot find it, anywhere!  God bless my mother and one sister.  They have tried as best they can to be here for me.  They are the only two that even put forth an ounce of effort for me.   My birthday is Saturday, I will be 46 years old at 1:21 am EST.  I have heard people say, after someone committed suicide, that they wished that person would of reached out to them, maybe they could of helped.  I am willing to bet they did reach out and they found that they were really all alone, as I have found.  I have been told things like, “You are too pretty to feel that way.”  Really?!?  Or, “Comeon now, you can’t do that to the people that love you!”  

A year ago I was dying and had to have a huge surgery to save my life, because a doctor screwed up horribly!  My sister talked me into suing, but I can’t even get an attorney to call me back.  It is like everything and everyone just ignores me and I don’t even exist.  Honestly, the money would help me survive the remaining years I have and I went through a nightmare that never should of happened.  What do I have to do in order to be seen or heard?  What will people say at my funeral?  Will they say I didn’t reach out to them?  Will they say that they wished they could of helped me?  I beg God on a daily basis, just to help me survive with the basic necessities.  Food, clothing and shelter.  Just to be able to comfortably pay the required bills, eat and get where I need to go.  On top of all of this, my psychiatrist in which it took me a year to finally get in with, decided to just drop me because my insurance wasn’t paying fast enough.  I have glaucoma and have had it since age 29, that doctor decided they were not taking my secondary insurance anymore and would see me if I could pay 20%.  How does one do that when they cant even buy food or cover their electric bill?  So, I am not on the drops I need and my vision is all messed up because of it!  What do I have to do just to survive?  Oh and then there is the bill collectors.  So much fun with the phone ringing daily and the Bs involving all of that too.   I know I don’t deserve this crap.  How did I get here?  How do I get out of here?………….

Emotions Unidentifiable …

Twice a year I clean out the cabinet where all the memories of my deceased son lives.  A few things I put together in remembrance of him.  It is emotional every time I clean this cabinet out.  It has been over 12 years and I still have so much inside of me.  Numerous doctors have stated that I have not dealt with my son’s death.  I asked them all, Then how do I deal with it?  They offer up things like, except that he is gone.  I have excepted that.  Sort through your emotions, I have done this so many times.  Go through each of the stages of Grief, Ha… I have done that as well.  I have also read tons of books.  How does one get over the death of their child?

I have been full of all kinds of emotions, yet I am not sure what I am actually feeling.  I met a real nice man, but I just don’t want any kind of relationship and for some reason men always want a damn relationship with me.  I want some good friends and then see what happens.  I really need to identify these emotions and work on them.

I have been non stop busy since I returned home from seeing my family in northern Illinois.  I kicked my daughter out almost a month ago, been home about ten days and every day I am cleaning and organizing another area of the house.  To get it back to good shape.  She destroyed so much.  I still have another ten days worth of cleaning to be done.  Since I can only tackle on decent size thing or two small things a day, due to the chronic pain.  It is getting there though.  It is finally peaceful in my home!  I miss my grandson though.  He went to live with his father before I returned from my trip.  He is safe and happy there, but he has been with me since he was born!  So many emotions!

All I can do is try to keep myself busy until it is all done, then get back to going to the gym three times a week.  I have been in a pain flare the last four days as well!  The gym helps me keep loose and build muscles to support the pain areas.  I have not been in two months………….
   
 

My son has been gone 11 years tonight…

My oldest child died 11 years ago tonight in a car accident. Cause of death was that he burned to death.

I keep seeing and thinking of the last time I saw him alive. I was leaving and he said he felt like he would never see me again and he didn’t.

There are people around me, but I am completely ignored. No one to talk to, no one to comfort me or hold me.

Every year leading up to this date I become extremely depressed and again from Halloween through the new year. His birthday was in December.

I have so much chaos going on in my life and I have zero support system. The chronic pain I am in 24/7 is sucking the life out of me. Not one part of my life is good. I have surgery on June 30th for a complete hysterectomy removing my ovaries and tubes as well. I have to wait seven days after the surgery to know if I have cancer or not.

I wish someone would hold me and be here for me and tell me it will all be alright. Instead of ignoring me and saying that I bring up the word cancer for attention. Even now as I cry mourning the loss of my son, I am completely alone………….

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Keith R. Krogmann II 12/18/1986 – 06/08/2003

The Depressed Mind…

My depression has a death grip on me. It is such a battle to just get through each minute of the day. Occupying the mind is so important. Today, I started with a plan. I knew I needed to be busy. I pushed through my high level of pain and I cleaned my bedroom. I have to move slowly and it did take me over 6 hours to complete the task. I am in a ton of pain from moving around so much too, but I kept my mind busy throughout the day by doing the task. I am now laying down and it feels like my entire pelvis, hips and low back are crushing me. I am so tired of this pain!

I have also gained ten pounds. I feel ill all the time and I know that is partly due to not eating right. So, I set out today to go back to eating better as well. Today, I ate a kiwi, nuts, vegetable stir fry and some sharp cheddar cheese. My stomach and entire digestive tract feels better this evening. I must continue to eat healthy. Overtime, eating right should help with the depression too.

Last night my son blared the music in his room after I went to bed. He was mad because my daughter had a friend over and he thinks she should be punished anyway possible because she didn’t pay him for the last week of babysitting after he refused to watch my grandson and she had to quit her job. He is the only one acting immature and causing all kinds of stress. I am still very upset at him doing that and slamming the doors in my house. If he continues on this path I will be forced to kick him out again.

Ugh! This pain is so bad! I’m so tired of it all… Bedtime can’t come soon enough. It is the only thing I look forward too. Then when I wake in the morning I have to endure hours of crushing pain. What a life… Then add in the deep dark pit of depression… Wow! And I just ate four Oreo cookies… Wonk wonk…

Basically, my mornings and nights up until I go to bed are horrendous! Sometimes the entire day is. The days I do ok in the afternoon, are the days I take very single thing I have for the pain and as soon as I get the hard edge off of my pain I go do something, slowly. Keeping the mind busy and moving slowly because that is what I have to do or I end up on the floor crying. Multiple breaks were I sit or lay down for short spells too. Then the pain comes crushing in and doesn’t let up! If I could just get enough control of the pain I could get somewhere here, but NO, they refuse to give me any additional medication and said I have to wean off the meds I do have after I recover from surgery. I pray the surgery helps this pain. If it doesn’t, that will be it for me. I have fought and struggled through over three years of this hell so far and the pain keeps increasing and spreading. If I did not have the hope that the surgery would help, I would already be gone. It all boils down to hope. As long as you have even an ounce of hope, you push on.

I really am at the end of my rope. I have no where to turn and no one to go to. I am holding on for Tuesday or Wednesday to find out when my surgery is and I pray it is soon! I really don’t know how long I can hold on anymore………….

I Don’t Even Know Where To Begin…

I wish I recorded all the crap that was said and done today. Just so I could recall all of it. My daughter got a job and she was gone all day yesterday, while she was gone I cleaned the kitchen and straightened up some stuff. I did what I could and I did a bit too much cause I ended up crying in pain. Today she worked all day again. I started to clean up the kitchen, then “B” and my son has bad attitudes with me. Turns out they were jealous that I was doing what they felt was my daughters chore and that I do everything for her and nothing for them. Come on already! I have enough crap to deal with! I can hear everything they say when I am in my room too.

I needed gas in the car in order to get my daughter to and from work and they refused to help with it. “B” said it was her problem not his and how much he hates her. Then my son got pissy with me when my grandson was wanting me for something. My son told me to shut up and go clean the damn kitchen like I am supposed too. Yeah, in my own house, I have to live like this! I ended I up crying and then into a huge fight with “B”. Then I cried more. He is horrible towards me and he doesn’t see it. The stress causes me to smoke even more.

It’s been raining all day here too, which increases my pain levels. I had to go this morning for the follow up ultrasound on the growths on my ovaries. Surprisingly, the technician told me what she could see. She said the right ovary looked good, but the left did have a rather large growth and that I had fibroids with one in the center of my uterus being large. I never heard of the fibroids before. Now, I wait for my appointment next Thursday to go over the tests and schedule my hysterectomy. I am praying it is able to be done using the robot. That way I won’t have a huge cut down my abdomen but rather four smaller cuts.

Oh, what I would give to have some support around here. Heck, just to be spoken to nicely. Days like today are when I wish I would go to sleep and never wake back up again………….

Grieving the Loss of a child, never ends…….

Today…….. Like so many days in the last ten plus years, I have had a heavy heart, My head hung low and the sadness that encompasses you for the remainder of your life after the death of your child. The pain never goes away, it just hides more often as the years tick by. Instead of being in bed crying for days on end, like I did in the beginning after loosing my son in a car accident, I find myself with days I can think of him and smile and days, where out of no where, I desperately miss him.

So today…… I have a deep yearning for the son I have lost. What would he look like now? Would he be a father? I miss how he would always sit with me and talk to me. And of course, I have the unanswered questions of Why Me? Why did he have to leave? Two of my sisters were pregnant at the same time I was with my son that passed away. My one sister gave birth to a boy, Jason, in October of 1986, then my other sister gave birth to a girl, Gail, in November 1986 and I gave birth to my son, Keith, in December 1986. My sister still has her son Jason and when I see him on video or pictures I find myself welling up with tears and all the questions flooding my mind. My son was very close to his cousin and since my son passed I have always held Jason in a special place. But recently is when I found myself hurting so deeply when I saw Jason during a video chat with my sister. I had never responded that way while seeing him before. So, I have to ask myself, Why Now? I have no answer, only the thought that keeps coming forward….. “What would my son, Keith, look like right now?” When Keith first passed away I spent months terrified I would forget what he looked like. I never have forgotten him, not in any way, shape or form. Jason is now 27 years old and looks much different than he did back when he was 16. I assume my son would also have a much different look as well. It doesn’t matter how many years go by, when you loose a child, it is always there……..

The sadness, loss, despair and the death of a part of you. You will never be the same for the rest of your life here. The first time I laughed after my son was gone, I felt so guilty. How dare I have fun when he was no longer with me! I read a stack of books written by others who had lost a child. I discovered the feelings and thoughts I had were normal. People that I met after his death, who also lost a child, told me that the pain never goes away but life gets easier as time goes by, though you will never stop thinking about your child. For me, this June will be 11 years that he has been gone. Why is it so impossible for me to move forward in life and not break down or fall apart anymore? I know there is no time limit on grief, but when is it supposed to become easier? Even with a million other things occupying my mind, my son is still there tearing my heart out! I have been told by multiple doctors that I have not DEALT with my sons death. So how does one do that anyway? How do you deal with it then? I know he is gone and never coming back. I have gone through all of the stages of grief, more than once. Please, tell me how one deals with such a great loss? What am I supposed to be doing? THe crazy thing is, I had a few years where I didn’t break down much at all and I felt I was dealing with it well and moving on finally. Yet, here I sit, right now, crying and feeling the pain like it was yesterday.

Surely, it does not help that my two living children are alcoholics and cannot seem to grow up and be responsible. The one with a good head on his shoulders and also the one who was much like a best friend to me, was taken from me. My two living children have never sat and talked with me or shared things with me like my son Keith always had. They say the closer you are to the person that dies, the harder it is to continue on. I had a friend several years back that I had met on one of the online bereavement groups. She had lost her daughter years before I lost my son and we talked often, supported each other. When the tenth year came after her daughters death, she killed herself. She seemed to be fine and handling things so well. Now I wonder if she had gone through what I am going through now. Where you feel you are doing better and life will go one, then it hits you like a Mack truck speeding down the highway again! Oh how I wish someone had the answers for me. To be able to tell me exactly what I needed to do in order to continue down the road called life and not be suddenly beaten to near death by the grief of loosing my son all over again. I would give anything to just be able to hug my son and sit with him and talk, just one more time! I have begged for years for him to come to me in my dreams, just so I could see him. He has only been in one very short dream since he passed. I feel like, if I could just see him, even in a dream, I would feel better.

To make Life even worse, as if loosing a child isn’t bad enough to live through, I have had to suffer with severe chronic pain for over three years now. Non stop pain that gets so bad I cry and occasionally I get lighter pain moments. I say moments, because I have never had hours or days of light pain since it began. I am emotionally and physically being tortured every second of every day. I even put myself in counseling and on medication through a psychiatrist as soon as my son died, because I knew I had to have help. I am still on medication to this day. I did three solid years of DBT, group therapy and private counseling sessions, every single week! Maybe, if I didn’t have so many other things happen to me after his death, I would be in a better place right now. His death, living in a new place, husband leaves me and I lost everything, had to move back to a bad area, was attacked and beaten by over a dozen gang members going after my neighbor and then the chronic pain, all in consecutive order! I don’t know what to do anymore. Thanks for listening though……

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Parenthood is such a powerful bond. The bond remains, and often grows, through and after death. It has been said that the loss of a child isn’t an event but rather a journey of survival. In describing loss, author Barbara Kingsolver said this: “You don’t think you’ll live past it and you don’t really. The person you were is gone, but the half of you that’s still alive wakes up and takes over again.”

If someone you know is suffering from the loss of a child, be there to listen. Don’t compare their loss or feel that you need to come up with answers, just listen. The support of friends and family is critical!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not all people grieve the same, even two parents grieving a loss of the same child experience loss differently. Whether a parent has lost a child not yet born or has lost a son or daughter of adult age, the grief can be paralyzing. Although there are no simple answers, parents dealing with loss are not alone. There are excellent resources available to help:

Bereaved Parents USA offers support to parents, grandparents, and siblings of those that have lost a child.

The Compassionate Friends offers support and helps families heal, as well.

Camp Sunshine Bereavement Camp is a therapeutic retreat in Maine and has bereavement group for families who have lost a child to illness.

GriefShare offers support groups and referal information.

The Wendt Center for Loss and Healing offers support to Spanish-speaking families, as well.