Ready to Fly Away…

I have been seriously struggling with some major depression lately. I have spent the last few days crying for mostly Unknown reasons. I feel like there is something missing from my life and I also feel like I do not mean much at all to my damn adult kids, except for what I can do for them!

To start off, the court date for divorce is postponed. I found out I was supposed to file an “answer” and a “Poverty Packet” so I don’t have to pay the court reporter fees. My EX was pissed when the judge asked me if I will be going for alimony and I said Yes. I turn in the poverty packet tomorrow and I have to wait for that to be approved, then I can file my answer, which is where I list what I want. I know I will be awarded the alimony, I just pray they give me a garnishment of wages so I actually get the alimony. I am guessing the court date will most likely be in May or June for all of that.

Then…. My EX has announced that he is in a relationship, as of Valentines Day, to the girl he has been with this entire time. I don’t miss my ex or want him back, but I do have very hurt emotions about how I was promised to be loved and taken care of and how he swore he would never leave. Just so tired of that shit happening. I do know my emotions and hurt feelings are part of my depression and tears, but I am not sure what all the rest of it is.

And… I had a good Valentines Day. My adult kids got me candy and an edible arrangement. My BF got me a stuffed dog, card and heart full of chocolates. He was over for the weekend, after I had not seen him for three full weeks. He is great when he is here with attention and being loving. I miss the attention when he is not here, but we don’t seem to really talk about much ever. When we are apart he will text a couple of times through the day just to ask me what I am doing or to say he loves me. I like that, but also feel like it is barely anything at all for an entire day. I tend to feel like I am not very important to him.

Further more……. I have decided I am going to my parents house the end of this month for a couple of weeks. For one, I need to be able to relax and rest in order to heal. I have lumps throughout my neck that are swelled. Had a CT and was sent quickly to an ear, nose and throat doctor. He said he did not feel it was cancer, but I had to be checked again in 6 weeks with another CT and see him. I am on antibiotics until then as well. It’s been ten days so far on this round of antibiotics and no change has occurred. This worries me, because if they all don’t go back down to normal I will have to have several biopsies done in April. While at this doctors office he sprayed some stuff up my nose that smelled like grapes. After several minutes my nose became numb and he put a camera up my nose and into my throat and looked at everything. He said we have another tonsil which is not round but long and bumpy and it is locate between the nose and throat. Mine is very inflamed and looks bad. This is also where the pain is coming from too. Hmmm… So much for having a loving husband to be by my side and supportive for me. Much like the two major surgeries I had in the summer and had to be all by myself! For two years now I have lost weight for no reason, I also lost the feeling in both of my feet. I knew something was wrong then and I still know it today. I keep thinking how the only thing that causes weight loss like that is cancer. No, I don’t want that. I feel I have suffered a great deal already in this life and there is no way I deserve more suffering. I do the right thing. I care about others. I have no clue why I deserve what has already happened to me.

Now here we are… The deep, dark depression… I can see I am angry, feel alone and not important to others. I know I have plenty of reasons to feel down. But, being exhausted all the time and feeling sick constantly is really becoming a problem. I can barely get the kitchen cleaned up daily and I haven’t been able to vacuum every day, let alone anything else that needs to be done. No one here will do a damn thing either. My daughter pays for my cell phone, because I watch her son and then tonight she tells me I will have to go without the cell phone for a few days because she can’t pay it on time. This is the kind of crap they do to me. Then I guess I won’t be babysitting for a few days? She knows I won’t do that to my grandson though. I have had enough of struggling to get by on my disability and paying the mortgage here, then I am left with nothing to even by basic needs with. I could take care of myself if I just moved in with my parents. But no, I stay here because my adult kids and grandson have no where else to go. Ugh…… One day I will choose me over anyone else!

Hopefully, going to my parents will do what it usually does. I will be able to rest and heal. I will be able to explore my own mind and find out what all is bothering me very much. Here at home, I am never left alone long enough to think. Normally I would be sleeping right now, but I am stressed out feeling and can’t sleep, so I got back up out of bed and chose to write it here. I will once again do a daily journal of what I find and what I do while at my parents. My BF says it will suck about me being gone, yet I feel like it really doesn’t matter much since I went three weeks without seeing him until I drove the hour to go get him and he barely texts with a very rare phone call. This is for me! I can sit in the sun daily, maybe even have a tan when I come back home, nice! I always feel so much better after a trip there, which I have always said I would be doing twice a year from now on! The weather will be 60’s, 70’s and 80’s while I am there, perfect! Maybe my mom will buy me a bathing, suit since I don’t have one and some jeans too. I don’t have any that fit me. I just need this extra hanging skin to go away and take all the stretch marks with it………….

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“Me with a fake smile”

Tomorrow is court for my Divorce…

I have had horrible issues with nausea the past several days. I am assuming it is due to the fact I have to go to court in the morning to finalize my divorce. Not thrilled about having to see my ex and I am worried about if I will be awarded alimony or not. I need it to be able to survive. Life has been a constant struggle. I am so tired of men promising me everything then just leaving in the end. Married three times, you would think I would of gave up before now. But no, I always see the best in people and trust in them.

I have to print out all the bills to prove that I can not afford to pay the court reporter fees too. I just want it to be over and done with so my body can relax. Having panic and anxiety has made this all so very unbearable. I have to take medication just so I can go to court and that makes it hard for me to think clearly. So, I have to have everything prepared clearly and hope the judge does not need me to verbally tell her things. I have to have someone drive me, because my panic won’t allow me to drive myself.

I am still pushing onward with positive thoughts and practicing self love. I have had a lot of bumps in the road this last week due to the stress and anxiety, but I won’t give up. Everything happens for a reason, I firmly believe that!

Every single day of my life goes like this…
I wake up, sit up and take my meds, check my email and Facebook and read articles. After about 1 1/2- 2 hours I feel like I can get dressed and do so. If I am watching my grandson, I make sure to wake up two hours before I have to watch him. Then, I come out of my room and I clean the kitchen and vacuum the house, which takes two hours, because I have to take several breaks. Every single day I do this. Then if I feel able, I try to clean something else or do laundry, etc. Usually, around 4pm I start to feel hungry and I look for something to eat. Most of the time it will be vegetarian vegetable soup or a half of a peanut butter sandwich. On occasion, we have something to cook for dinner, which is usually once or twice a week. Around this same time I start to feel very down and out. I get extremely tired and could just go to sleep. I take a nap if I am not watching my grandson. Otherwise, I force myself to stay awake. Not one day goes by that I do not deal with anxiety, panic, depression, pain and stress. I feel crappy until I go to bed, which was 8pm last night. Then I repeat this every day of my life.

I know keeping my mind busy is key in keeping the panic attacks and deep depression at bay, but some days I feel so horrible or I hurt so much I am unable to do the things that occupy my mind. I always, repeat positive affirmations and self love statements. However, some days, like today, I just feel so darn tired of repeating the same thing over and over. When will things be better? When will I not have to struggle to survive? When will I finally have a day that I am not in horrible pain? When will I have a day where the deep darkness doesn’t engulf me? When will I find a true and real Loving Man? But…… I have to push on and I have act like everything is ok. In the giant hope, that one day it will be. I believe what we put out comes back to us. So saying all those negative things is not good at all. Now I say positive things, hoping, that it will correct the negative I just sent out.

I AM Grateful for my family, home, animals, clothes, food….
I AM a Beautiful Human Being…
I AM happy and full of life…
I AM a Strong and Resilient Person…
I AM Loveable…

The sun is shinning today and it is very pretty outside. We will be in the 70’s today. I will enjoy the afternoon in the sun and get some vitamin D. I will take my grandson down to the neighbors and visit for a bit today. But first, I must complete my chores and take a shower………….

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Me, looking happy!!!