Nerves are Increasing…

I have five days until I go in for a Radical Hysterectomy. I have scheduled small tasks each day to get my bedroom and bathroom cleaned and prepared for my recovery. I finally finished cleaning everything in my bedroom yesterday, now I just need to thoroughly vacuum. I am going to begin tackling the bathroom on Friday, since I need to split it up in order to get it done. I can only do small sessions of cleaning, then I have to rest.

I have been worried about how much pain I will be in when I wake up after the surgery. Granted, I am in a lot of pain 24/7 now, so I need to just keep telling myself that I will feel so much better when it is all done. My mom gets in Sunday and I call Friday after 6pm to find out what time I need to be at the hospital for my surgery on Monday.

I have not been sleeping much and I have been up at the crack of Dawn every day lately. Today I got up at 6:30am. I have to take my grandson to his Speech and OT therapy appointments today from 1-2:30pm. If I feel ok when I return home, I am going to get in the pool for a bit. I have one of those Intex pools that is 18′ wide and 4′ deep. I am able to walk in the water without a ton of pain and do leg stretches. I wanted to get in as many days as possible before Sunday since I won’t be able to get in again until after August 11th. Things did not work out that way for me though. I got in Friday and Saturday and I have not been in since. So maybe today through Saturday I will be able to get in for an hour.

The closer I get to the surgery date, the more my nerves have been acting up. I guess that is normal. I do have a Panic and Anxiety disorder so it’s good that I am able to take that medication all the way up to my surgery. I keep trying to occupy my mind. Since I have been up for a while and I don’t need to leave here until 12:30pm, I decided to put on make up and do my hair today. I rarely ever do that, but it helps keep my mind busy for a while. Mascara always bothers my eyes, so by the time I get home today I will need to wash it all off. At least I will look nice.

I have been reading all the stories I can find from women after a hysterectomy. Some are encouraging and some are scary. I do have one of the best doctors, as I keep being told, and I am lucky enough to have it done robotically so that should help as well. I wonder how long it will before before I lose all the hormones. Immediately or a few days? Since everything is coming out it can be immediately. Hopefully I won’t be a psychotic bitch to anyone….lol! I am prepared and bringing my iPad and charger and headphones, etc. I can do most everything on my iPad. I even have my Netflix and Hulu Plus accounts on it. I will post and let you all know how it went as soon as I am able………….

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I Made Some Deodorant & It is Awesome…

Here is how I made the homemade deodorant…

1/4 C. Shea Butter
1/4 C. Kokum Butter
1/4 C. Coconut Oil (organic)
1/4 C. Almond Oil

Melt the oils and butters gently, either on the stove or for about 45 seconds in the microwave. Stir well to dissolve all the butters. Let sit until it becomes room temperature, about two hours (or put in fridge for a short period.). You want it to still be very soft and not set up hard.

Add… 5 Drops of Each of the following Essential Oils
Lavender, Tea Tree, Frankincense and lime

Mix well with a whisk. I used a stick blender with a whisk attachment.

Add… 1/4 C. Corn Starch
1/2 C. Baking Soda
Mix well with whisk attachment.

Place in fridge for about 15 minutes. This will set it up firm.
Now, whip it up with the whisk for several minutes until it resembles frosting.
Spoon into container and apply to underarms daily. This makes about 10 oz. of deodorant. I apply it to my armpits using my fingertips.

It smells amazing and it feels so silky soft. So far, I have not had any odor what so ever. I used Secret my entire life and it worked wonderful, until in my thirties and then nothing I tried would stop the stink. I ended up using Secret clinical for the last several years as that was the only thing I could find that would work at all. I did not like putting those chemicals on me every day and I had been reviewing several homemade recipes in hopes I could find one that would work.

I came up with this recipe by reading several other recipes and what people had to say about them. I changed it up a little by adding Kokum butter because it is so good for your skin and helps regenerate new healthy skin cells. I also added the tea tree to make sure that the deodorant would actually kill off all bacteria that causes odor. The combination smells so amazing. Your skin feels so silky and with continued use your under arm skin becomes soft and healthy looking. If you decide to try this deodorant please let me know how it works for you. I have my soon to be daughter in law testing it out now. She is very active and in her twenties.

The general homemade deodorant recipe that is abundantly found online is:
1/4 C. Baking Soda
1/4 C. Corn Starch
1/2 C. Coconut Oil
Melt the oil partially and mix in the dry ingredients. Add 10 drops (total) of what ever essential oils you prefer. Mix well, place in jar.
I have read several people saying they love this homemade deodorant, but I wanted something a bit more. Something I knew would work on the odor and also help my skin look better.

I would love to hear from anyone who has tried homemade deodorant and how it worked for them and what recipe they used. I am so excited to finally be able to use something natural under my arms and not pay over ten bucks a stick for deodorant………….

Super Scared…

I was reviewing the information on my online account. It shows all my medical records for my current GYN/Oncology doctor and the hospital I am having the surgery at. They had updated my account to show my Pre-Op visit and there was another entry for June 6th, so I went and looked at that one.

It stated that on June 6th, my doctor reviewed my CT scan and noted that I had Malignant Neoplasm of Ovary. What?! Last thing he said to me was he did not think it was cancer, but he would not know for sure until he got in there and had it tested. Did he not review my CT before and now just did and saw something? Or is he having to list that so insurance will cover the procedure?

I have always said that I must have cancer since that is the only thing I could think of that would cause this much pain. Of course, I feel very alone. I messaged “B” about it and he said nothing. I asked him when he got home if he got my message and he said yes, but he was thinking positive about it. Everything he does or doesn’t do just keeps screaming he doesn’t care to me!

My pain is so bad this morning. I can’t seem to get any of it to ease up. It is super hot and humid outside so if I do go outside I will have to get in the pool, which might help, but it hurts so bad to climb that ladder.

I am so tired of feeling all alone with no one to really talk to about things here. I do have a good friend through email and my mom and sister through email, but I am really wishing I had someone here with me. I have to chalk today up as a very bad day and just allow myself to rest. I do have some shows I need to catch up on, so I guess today is a good day for that. Just accept it and allow myself to rest.

I have had a horrible headache for a while now. Nothing touches it. It feels like it is coming from my neck and up the left side of my head then into my temple. I slept over ten hours last night. That was much needed after a couple of weeks of not much sleep. Though I do feel like I could keep sleeping. I am always so exhausted, both physically and mentally.

My mom is coming up here to take me for my surgery and be here for me. I thank God for her! She asked if I would like to come back to her house to re cooperate and I would love to do that, but it have to see the doctor one week after surgery and if it is cancer I have to start chemo three weeks after surgery, then once every three weeks until six sessions have been done.

With all I am going through, my daughter decided to bitch and complain that she needs a break from her kid and no one will help her. I listened to it for a long time, then I told her to just leave and go have what ever life she wants. She did send me a message apologizing for it after it all happened. Every single person in this house only cares about themselves! I thought my husband would be here for me, since in the beginning he was always there for me. That all changed two years into the relationship though. I have been with him for 8 years and married 7 years on July 1st. I spent almost 16 years with my last husband then he decided to do cocaine and screw other women.

Ugh….. I just need to find it inside of myself to be all I need for myself. My entire life I have done for everyone else and put everyone else before myself. It is hard to focus on yourself.

Alright, I am going to lay down and do a peaceful meditation. Then either nap or catch up on some of my shows. Today, I am focusing on me! I am the most important person in my life………….

More Disappointment…

So, “B” decides he is going to change jobs and he starts the new one next week. I had told him to tell them up front that he could not work on the 30th due to my surgery. When he returned yesterday from doing the paperwork for the new job, I asked about the 30th and he said it didn’t look like he would be able to have it off. Really!?! Thank God my mother is driving up here for my surgery. I must of known inside this would happen since I listed her as my next of kin and who can make decisions for me.

It is just so hurtful. I used to be the most important person to him and he followed me around like a lost puppy. I don’t understand why I deserve this. In my greatest time of need!

I have been wondering if all the horrible pain I am in every day of my life will go away after the surgery. I also wonder what they will find once they are in there and can actually see everything. I have a fear of them having to cut me wide open. I do not want that! I have no one to talk to about how I feel and my fears. “B” can’t handle it and everything turns into a fight. My kids can’t handle the truth either. I talk to my mom, but I have to hold back some because she gets upset and worries.

I did get the things made that I needed to do before my surgery. In order to have enough supply while I recover. Laundry detergent, dishwasher detergent, thieves oil blend which I use for an all purpose cleaner and my bug oil blends that I make a bug spray with.

Now next week I have scheduled small tasks each day. One day I will dust my bedroom, another day I will clean the bathroom. Mind you these tasks take me the entire day to perform. Some things I won’t be able to do either. Wash my sheets the day before surgery. All so I can have a clean environment when I get home from the hospital.

The day before surgery is going to be loads of fun, NOT! That is when I have to shower when I get up with antiseptic wash and then go the entire day on a clear liquid diet along with drinking the magnesium citrate and in the evening I have to do an enema followed by another shower with antiseptic wash. When I get up on surgery day I have to once again shower with the antiseptic wash, then through on my clothes and go to the hospital. The wash says to wash the area from neck down for five minutes, then rinse and pat dry. Keep away from the private areas! I never had to do this before surgery before. I guess it is an extra step to make sure the area is as clean as possible. Three showers in a 24 hour period will wipe me out! That is why I only scheduled to wash my sheets that day.

My pain is off the charts. I have to take my grandson to his speech appointment in a few minutes. The area around my left hip is throbbing in pain and it goes all the way down my left leg into my left foot. My daughter wants me to take her grocery shopping too, but I told her I will have to come home and take a nap first………….

Mindfulness Exercise…

Being mindful is a way to open up and explore the right here and right now. We go through life looking forward or behind us and rarely do we stop and see what is right this moment.

Find a few minutes to yourself somewhere that you will not be disturbed. I like to do this outside. I know how difficult it can be to find time to yourself where no one will bother you. I often have the early morning when I wake up to my self, while everyone is still sleeping.

Sit comfortably and take three slow, deep breaths to cleanse your body. Slowly draw up the breath and fill your lungs completely and then slowly release the breath. I like to count while I do this, so I release the breath for the same count that I inhaled the breath too.

Now, close your eyes and just listen. What do you hear? Identify the noises you hear. Is it a bird or a dog? Do you hear the leaves moving in the wind? Just listen and notice every single thing you can hear. Maybe you hear the children next door playing or a car starting up. Listen closely and identify each sound you hear. You are in the moment, right now, this very moment. You hear what is happening right now. This is being mindful!

Next, you open your eyes and look around you. What do you see? I see a tree with very deep green leaves on it. Identify everything that you can see. Say the name of the item and what color it is. You are being right here in this very moment. Our minds tend to race through everything. Take your time to look at each thing individually and teach your mind to slow down. We miss so much of what is around us every day of our lives, because we are not in that very moment and seeing or hearing what is happening right then and there.

When you go to eat your next meal, be mindful! Slowly take a bite and really taste and feel the food. Notice the texture and flavors. Smell the food and identify each smell you notice. Savor the flavor of each bite.

Some people are very good at being mindful. Those are the people that can give a detailed description of someone, right down to the shoes they were wearing. I spent years training myself to not see people around me, so I could go to the store and not have panic attacks. Now, I could not tell you who was in the store and what they were wearing. When I was beat by a gang in my front yard, I could not identify any of them. I literally can go into a store and not notice a single person there. I did this to protect myself from my horrible panic attacks, but I also stripped away being mindful and in the moment.

Practicing being mindful helps us slow down our thoughts and focus on one thing at a time. You can expand on this by going one step further and paying attention to what you feel. Starting at your feet and slowly moving up through your body. What do you feel in your feet? Are the cold? Do they hurt? We can identify where a pain is coming from when we practice being mindful. Sometimes it feels like a pain is in a totally different place then where it really is coming from. Work your way slowly up through your entire body. Now you are being mindful of your body. After I do this at my head, I then explore the emotions I am feeling. I write down each emotion I can identify and then I try to figure out why I am feeling each one of those emotions. We often feel so many different emotions that it is hard to identify exactly what we are feeling and why.

It is simple to practice being mindful, yet we rarely ever do it. We are so rushed through our days and what we need to get done. Do it for yourself! Even if you can only find time for it once a week, give it a real shot! Being mindful also helps us experience happiness fully………….

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Pre-Op Appointment…

I went yesterday for my pre-op visit with the anesthesiologist. My pain level has been off the charts lately and sitting waiting for them to call me had me in more and more pain. I was called back by a nurse to get my vitals and weight. Then I sat more. I was then called back by another nurse to go over all my medications and information. She handed me a small bottle of antiseptic soap and told me that I must shower and use this soap from the neck down the morning before my surgery and again that night, then one more time the morning of my surgery before I came into the hospital. I have never had to do that before any other surgery I had. It is the same antiseptic soap that the surgeons use on their hands before operating. You can not use anything on your skin after washing with it. No lotion, cream or power. Not even perfume. I was then put back to sit more in the waiting room for the first nurse to take me and do an EKG, then back in the waiting room to wait for the anesthesiologist to call me back. She asked a bunch of that same questions I already answered with the nurse and she listened to my breathing and looked in my mouth and throat. They told me that I could take all of my usual medication that morning with no more than 4 oz. of water.

So all my before the surgery stuff is now done. I just have to wait two weeks and then call a number after 6pm to see what time I am to show up for my surgery. I made my lists of things to get done before surgery and a list of what everyone here needs to do while I am recovering from surgery. I also made a list of what to pack for my two day stay in the hospital.

My pain levels have been so high. Horrible crushing pain through out my pelvis. Today it was more on the left side and yesterday it was more on the right side. I just can’t catch a break from the unrelenting pain. I am exhausted beyond words both physically and mentally. I take everything I have for the pain and usually get a bit of the edge off of the pain in the afternoon, but I then feel very loopy and tired!

It is super hot and humid and it usually is here. So you can not be outside comfortably at all ever. I guess I will go back in and lay in the chair again………….

Just under three weeks left…

In less than three weeks I will be having a complete hysterectomy. They will be also removing both ovaries and tubes. I want to make sure I write about my experience so it may benefit someone else one day.

This Thursday I have my Pre-op with the anesthesiologist and his nurse, as well as a chest X-ray and EKG. So far I found out from my doctor that will be doing the surgery, that it have to stop taking my muscle relaxer, baclofen, and ibuprofen or Aleve ten days before the surgery. The anesthesiologist may have other things I cannot take as well.

They will call me the Friday before my surgery and tell me what time to be there on that Monday for my surgery. The day before my surgery I am allowed a light breakfast followed by the entire day of a clear liquid diet and at 3pm I have to drink a bottle of magnesium citrate. I chose the purple flavored one and put it in the fridge, because it is better cold. Then around 9pm I have to give myself a fleet enema.

My blood and urine tests are in and I have immediate results because I set up for everything and my chart to be online where I can access it. All of those tests were normal or negative for things, except one was high for Lymph ABS. I have not had a call from the doctor so I assume all is ok with the one thing being not in normal range. I have had mono twice in my life as well as fifth disease that stayed with me for over four months. Those may be the cause or I could have some type if immune deficiency. I won’t know until I speak with the doctor in regards to this.

I went Friday to see my pain doctor who insisted I see him monthly until my surgery and he was not even there when I showed up for my appointment. His PA ended up sick and unable to see me so I called and scheduled to come back in August after my recovery from the surgery. I am not scheduling any appointments at all for the month of July so I don’t have to go anywhere while I recover, but I was told I will have to see my surgeon on week after my surgery. I was also told I will be staying two nights in the hospital.

I have started some lists. A list of the things I need to get done before surgery and a list of all the things everyone here needs to do while I recover for surgery. 6-8 weeks is the recovery time. I also made a list of things I need to bring with me to the hospital, like toothbrush and paste, loose nightgown and underwear, etc…………