So, today I woke up and I was in the usual horrible pain. I spent an hour trying to get through the intensity of the pain before the meds finally eased it some. I then spent another hour getting myself into a positive place before I emerged from my room for the day. I was going to throw in a load of laundry and on my way I saw that one of the kitchen cabinet doors were ripped half way off and hanging there. The entire kitchen was trashed worse than I have ever seen. Every single cup I own was dirty and on the counter with a mess of other dishes. So, I put my laundry in and then walked through the house opening all the curtains, since they were all still closed and it was 12:45 pm. My daughter had been up for a few hours with her son and she had been in the kitchen to get him things to eat and drink, but when I asked her and everyone else what happened to the cabinet, everyone denied any knowledge of it. Then I proceeded to clean the kitchen, which left me in so much more pain, as it usually does. I quickly went from that positive place I fought to achieve, down to the pits of despair and depression. I feel so down and hopeless. My daughter coming here was supposed to be a help for me, not more crap to deal with. Then again, she has always been a mess and I should of known. If only the others would of stepped up to care for my grandson now that I can’t, I wouldn’t of had to let her come home.
My back is screaming in pain. My neck is crushing me. My tailbone is crushing and in fire! My hips, butt cheeks, legs and feet are intensely gripping me. My body wants to go to bed and my mind wants to pack my things and leave. I need some fun in my life and all I ever get is pain and depression. Today there are five other adults in this house that could take care of things, but they didn’t and they don’t, my son has friends over way to often and no one ever takes the initiative to take care of things so I don’t have to do it.
I know….. I know, I need to find something I can do that will occupy my mind! But what? I hurt so damn badly and I have no money. When I get into the pits of despair like this, I have no creativity or the ability to think of things to do. As if that ability just up and left me as quick as I could snap my fingers. How do I get myself out of this darkness? Ugh….. It is all wearing me out! Always dragging me down…… I am about to snap in the worry of how the heck to pay for things. It has become so bad, that im am walking through the house turning things off, every single time I have to go out there for something. I just want to choke some sense into these people. I want to be a kid damn it! No worries about bills and money when your a kid. Just go off and play and do what you want, the adults take care of it all. I never want to clarify and justify things, so I just run and hide.
I am never going to be the same again. I have suffered in the world of constant pain for the last three years and it keeps
Getting worse and spreading. I won’t ever pretend, I don’t hide how I feel. Anyone can see it written upon my face. I am pretty sure, that they just don’t care. So how do I get out of this place… This dark pit of agony and despair….. I just hide in my room, until I have to come out for something. My whole life I have tried so hard to get the people in my family to act like they gave a crap about me. Maybe I just need to stop doing that. It’s just me, myself and I. I keep to myself most of the time anyway. I a listening to music on my headphones. It’s better than having to hear or see a bunch of crap I don’t want to hear or see…….
Awolnation – Sail
Korn – Never, Never
Shinedown – the entire Amaryllis Album
Five Finger Death Punch – wrong side of heaven and Anywhere but here and M.I.N.E.
Pop Evil – Trenches
Hollywood Undead – Young
All That Remains – What if I was Nothing