Venting…… Not a good day for me!

So, today I woke up and I was in the usual horrible pain. I spent an hour trying to get through the intensity of the pain before the meds finally eased it some. I then spent another hour getting myself into a positive place before I emerged from my room for the day. I was going to throw in a load of laundry and on my way I saw that one of the kitchen cabinet doors were ripped half way off and hanging there. The entire kitchen was trashed worse than I have ever seen. Every single cup I own was dirty and on the counter with a mess of other dishes. So, I put my laundry in and then walked through the house opening all the curtains, since they were all still closed and it was 12:45 pm. My daughter had been up for a few hours with her son and she had been in the kitchen to get him things to eat and drink, but when I asked her and everyone else what happened to the cabinet, everyone denied any knowledge of it. Then I proceeded to clean the kitchen, which left me in so much more pain, as it usually does. I quickly went from that positive place I fought to achieve, down to the pits of despair and depression. I feel so down and hopeless. My daughter coming here was supposed to be a help for me, not more crap to deal with. Then again, she has always been a mess and I should of known. If only the others would of stepped up to care for my grandson now that I can’t, I wouldn’t of had to let her come home.

My back is screaming in pain. My neck is crushing me. My tailbone is crushing and in fire! My hips, butt cheeks, legs and feet are intensely gripping me. My body wants to go to bed and my mind wants to pack my things and leave. I need some fun in my life and all I ever get is pain and depression. Today there are five other adults in this house that could take care of things, but they didn’t and they don’t, my son has friends over way to often and no one ever takes the initiative to take care of things so I don’t have to do it.

I know….. I know, I need to find something I can do that will occupy my mind! But what? I hurt so damn badly and I have no money. When I get into the pits of despair like this, I have no creativity or the ability to think of things to do. As if that ability just up and left me as quick as I could snap my fingers. How do I get myself out of this darkness? Ugh….. It is all wearing me out! Always dragging me down…… I am about to snap in the worry of how the heck to pay for things. It has become so bad, that im am walking through the house turning things off, every single time I have to go out there for something. I just want to choke some sense into these people. I want to be a kid damn it! No worries about bills and money when your a kid. Just go off and play and do what you want, the adults take care of it all. I never want to clarify and justify things, so I just run and hide.

I am never going to be the same again. I have suffered in the world of constant pain for the last three years and it keeps
Getting worse and spreading. I won’t ever pretend, I don’t hide how I feel. Anyone can see it written upon my face. I am pretty sure, that they just don’t care. So how do I get out of this place… This dark pit of agony and despair….. I just hide in my room, until I have to come out for something. My whole life I have tried so hard to get the people in my family to act like they gave a crap about me. Maybe I just need to stop doing that. It’s just me, myself and I. I keep to myself most of the time anyway. I a listening to music on my headphones. It’s better than having to hear or see a bunch of crap I don’t want to hear or see…….

Current Music:
Awolnation – Sail
Korn – Never, Never
Shinedown – the entire Amaryllis Album
Five Finger Death Punch – wrong side of heaven and Anywhere but here and M.I.N.E.
Pop Evil – Trenches
Hollywood Undead – Young
All That Remains – What if I was Nothing

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I wanted to share this…..

I have a king size heated blanket that has separate controls for each side of the bed. A few years back our furnace went out and we did not have heat for that entire winter, so I purchased this heated blanket. I decided today, to put that blanket under the pad on my bed and plug it in so I could warm my side of the bed before getting in at night. I have been having a horrible time with my pain today, so I had to lay in bed. I could not stay there very long due to the pain in my leg and foot and when I got out of the bed I was freezing and just could not get warm. Then it dawned on me, that I should turn the heated blanket on. So, I crawled back into bed and turned it on. Within a few minutes I could feel the heat and it wasn’t long before my whole body was warmed and my pain eased down some. It did not take the pain completely away, but it made me feel much more comfortable. When I got out of the bed to use the bathroom, I wasn’t freezing and shivering this time. I don’t think I could sleep all night with it on, but it sure does help me feel more comfortable when I am suffering in so much pain. I wanted to share this with everyone who suffers from chronic pain, maybe it will help someone else feel a bit more comfortable when they are stuck in bed due to the intensity of the pain….

It’s pretty cold tonight for being the south. Right now it is 30 degrees and our low is supposed to be in the 20’s. I have really old single pane windows and you can feel the cold like it is blowing onto you from the windows in my bedroom. My bedroom is the coldest room in the house in the winter and the hottest in the summer. I keep hoping this will be the year we can find a way to finance new windows. Isn’t it messed up how the poor end up having to pay more in their heating and cooling bills because they cannot afford to replace very old leaky windows. Like you can never get ahead. Maybe the window and food fairy will come tonight while I am asleep and replace the windows with energy efficient ones and leave me with some fruits and vegetable to eat. The cheapest food is the worst for you. I know first hand that eating fruit, vegetables and nuts helps with my digestive problems and my energy levels, but I can’t even afford to cook a whole meal every day as it is. If it was just me, I could live off of just a little bit of natural foods, but I have my son, daughter and grandson here to feed. My grandson comes first and every cent is spent on food for him……

Story of My Life in small Sections…. Part ONE!

I have decided to look back at the things in my life that were horrific in hopes that it will allow me to move past them…

The year was 1984, I had just turned 15 years old and the school year had begun. I lived behind the high school so I walked to school each day. I did not have very many friends, because I had been picked on ever since I moved to that area, Northern Illinois. Much like any teenage girl I craved attention. I wanted someone to want me and to love me. I did not realize back then, that it was next to impossible for a teenage boy to really be in love. As I walked to school, a really nice car kept driving past me. Finally, after multiple times of this vehicle going by, it stopped. The window rolled down and there was a nice looking boy behind the wheel. I had never seen him before, so he must of been from another town. He said, “Hello there Beautiful!” Of course, that got my attention and I walked closer and said Hello back to him. He wanted to know if I would go out on a date with him. I told him I didn’t even know him and how was I to trust him. I remember his smile like it was yesterday. I felt good inside when he smiled. We talked for a few minutes and I then informed him that I needed to get to class so he left. Every day for a week, this boy showed up while I was on my way to school. He asked me every single time to go on a date with him. I finally relented and said OK. He was to pick me up at 8 pm the next night, which was a Saturday. I was excited and thought about where he might take me for our date. I knew he was older than me, but not by much. I assumed he was probably 17 years old. He arrived promptly at 8 pm and I got into his really nice car with a big smile on my face. I asked where we were going and he said it was a surprise. We drove for about twenty minutes and then we pulled into a subdivision of houses. I asked what we were doing there and he said he wanted to watch a movie and he made me a nice meal to enjoy. I felt uncomfortable and I was a bit worried, but I loved the attention he gave me and I agreed. There was only one person home in the house and that was another boy near the same age as me. He introduced me to him and then took me on the tour of the house, ending in his bedroom, of course. I was very uncomfortable there! He began kissing me and pushed me back on the bed. I tried to resist and get back up, but he would not let me move. He pressed me down hard into the bed and forcefully removed my pants. I was terrified and I have no clue why I didn’t scream. I kept telling him I didn’t want to do this and I wanted to go home. He kept on as I begged him to please just take me home. He forced himself into me. Tears ran across my face into my hair and I felt so much fear. I didn’t fight him, I just laid there….. I remember staring at the ceiling and then the next thing I remember is him getting off of me, he was done…… He left the room and told me to get dressed. As I put on my pants I felt nothing, nothing at all. As if I wasn’t even there and it was just a dream. I walked out of the room and he was standing there in the living room waiting for me. He said he would take me home now and we went to the car. Not a word was spoken the entire drive home. I felt empty and just stared out the window. He dropped me off and immediately left. I remember walking into my house and going straight to my room. Still not feeling like any of it was even real. I don’t know how long I sat on my bed, but I eventually fell asleep and woke the next morning. I knew what had happened, but I still felt empty inside and like it was a dazed dream. I did finally cry that day…… Somehow I stuffed it all inside me and went on trying to not even think about it.

Years later, when I met who would be my second husband, I saw the boy who raped me. The memories came flooding back and I told my then boyfriend about what he had done. He just told me he never liked him anyway. What a small world we live in. I never thought I would ever see that boy again. After that day, where I saw him once more, I never did see him again. I felt so much anger inside of me. I wanted to kill him. He was just one of many who only wanted to have sex with me. He was one of five boys that raped me!

Why do I Bother….

VENTING: I was so excited about getting my family to agree to meet online and chat. I finally got them all to agree to this evening at 8 eastern time. However, prior to this meeting my brother had to complain about wanting to meet on weekends instead and then my one sister said no since that was the only time she had with her husband. Anyway, I set up the chat in Google Hangouts and at 8 pm my time I sent the request out to my mother, two sisters, brother and one niece. My one sister was on quickly with me and a little bit later my niece and mother arrived. It was so nice to see them and hear them. Though, my sister laid back on the couch like she could barely keep herself awake. My other sister finally came in about twenty minutes later and she had a mean and nasty look on her face. As if we all had just shit on her dinner plate. She said she was working from home and proceeded to type and work, which kept over taking all the sound as she slammed the keys on the key board. She finally paused for about ten minutes to chat a little and that was when my brother finally arrive to the room. My brother also could not be bothered to sit up and be seen, he took phone calls when they came in. I felt like this really didn’t mean a thing to any of them. I guess it only means something to me. My brother was there in the chat for about fifteen minutes then left. At the end of the chat my sister asked why we couldn’t meet on weekends and then my other sister had to explain, again, that she did not want to take time away from what time she had with her husband. Shockingly, everyone agreed to meet again on Tuesday evening at 7 eastern time. My brother was gone so he wasn’t there to agree, but I know he is going to complain about it since he felt that was just to early for him before. I am willing to bet he won’t even show up.

During our little family chat, I talked about being very worried about possibly having cancer. Wouldn’t you know it, my family responded by one saying, “No you Don’t!” And the other two not saying a word. Back before my other sister passed away from cancer, we used to talk online in a chat room and she had asked us what we thought it could be and listed her symptoms. I was the only one that said, “it could be cancer!” Everyone else said NO it is NOT Cancer! She lived 1 1/2 years after that and it took the doctors most of that time before they even bothered to check her for cancer. I desperately need a support system and my family. I am here all alone. No matter what I do they just can’t put anyone before themselves. I feel heart broken. I wish I would never of even bothered to try to get them all to meet up online, because now I am very sad and depressed. I have balled my eyes out three times so far.

I at a granola bar earlier today. It is now late at night and I am starving. This is the story of my life! There is not much to eat here and I am so tired of trying to find something to eat. I am craving Papa Johns pizza with extra cheese! pepperoni! onions and mushrooms! Not one single area in my life is good, it is all so very bad. Physically: Mentally: Financially: PLEASE JUST LET ONE PART OF MY LIFE BE GOOD!!!

I have an Appointment today…..

I have an MRI today. They are going to look for possible cancer in my lower back and tailbone area where I can feel lumps and the worse the pain has become, the larger the lumps have gotten. I don’t do well with MRI’s. I cannot open my eyes at all or I will begin to panic. Normally I have them prescribe me a Valium, but it costs me $15 to get that one pill and I do not have a single dollar. So, I am doubling up on the anxiety medication (Ativan) as the doctor suggested. I am hoping that will be enough to prevent me from freaking out and desperately wanting out of a tube I feel trapped in. I take this medication three times day regularly, but today I waited to take my usual morning dose until an hour ago and then right before I leave I will take my afternoon dose. I just want them to see these lumps and identify what the heck they are and why they are causing me so much pain, especially in my tailbone. Sitting is not fun and I cannot seem to warm up today. I feel cold, though it is pretty cold outside today for living in the south. We have been in the low 30’s or upper 20’s at night with highs during the day in the 50’s. Daytime is fine when you are sitting in the sunshine. This last weekend I had to turn the A/C on because we were in the 80’s. The weather is just plain crazy this year!

I always have anxiety when I have to leave the house for an appointment. It starts the night before and I don’t sleep well, then when I get up, I have a rough time of it dealing with the pain and the anxiety that is through the roof. The anxiety tenses me up and that causes my pain to amplify. Having Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia truly sucks. Just trying to deal with that alone is hard enough, but add the chronic pain I have been suffering with for the last three years and you have a mess! Over the last three years my pain has spread to other areas including where it began and the intensity has gone through the roof. I need them to find a way the ease this pain as soon as possible. The medications that used to help me, are now barely touching the pain. I often wonder if I should start weening myself off of them, but then I fear how much worse the pain will be if I do. I am a rock stuck in a hard place right now. So find what it is and get rid of it already!

I have to go so this is short, I must put my grandsons battery back in his car before I leave so he can drive it while I am gone. I know this is going to hurt when I do this, but I have NO choice. I thought having my daughter here would help and I know she has to adjust to everything, but it’s been an even more rocky road. So much for wishful thinking I guess. I surely will need to take a nap when I get home. I cannot wait for tonight, my family is meeting online to chat for the first time in over a decade…
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UPDATE: BACK FROM MRI APPOINTMENT…
I have returned home from having my MRI done. I arrived thirty minutes early as they requested and I was called back to start the scan a good 15 minutes before I was scheduled. I made sure to keep my eyes closed and the additional anxiety medications did help me get through the panic that I tend to get while I am in the MRI machine. I focused on deep slow breathing and then using my trigger word, “RELAX” to relax me………

“I don’t know what I would do without all the years I spent working on meditation and placing my trigger word within me while I was in my most relax state. That alone has helped me greatly so many times. Occupy the mind away from what ever is scaring you or causing you to panic. The easiest way to do that is, by focusing on your breathing. Breathe in slow and deep to the count of four, at first, then Hold it for a couple of counts and then slowly release the breath to any count greater than the count you began with. For me, at first it is in for the count of four, hold for count of two and release to the count of six. After three breaths like that, I can then do slowly in to the count of 6, hold for the count of 4 and slowly release to the count of 8. Only paying attention to the breath and the counts, nothing else. Then after a few more breaths I am able to make the count even higher. When you find yourself super stressed and uptight, make your first breath a cleansing one. Breath in to the count of four, hold for the count of four and exhale to the count of eight, but be sure to push all the air out of your lungs by squeezing in your tummy area/ like sucking your stomach in. That will expel all of the breath from your lungs. This is ideal to help you quickly get ahold of yourself and into a more relaxed frame of mind. It takes time to get comfortable with this technique and after a little practice it becomes extremely easy to do. When you become comfortable with this slow breathing technique, you can them begin placing a trigger word to calm you when you are in your most relaxed state. After a little while of practice with that, you will be able to take in a few deep slow counted breaths and then visualize your trigger word and your body will respond by relaxing deeply. Also, once you feel the breathing has calmed you and started to relax you, a great way to feel the deepest and most relaxed ever, is to focus on your feet by tensing them as you breathe in and then completely relaxing them as you breath out. You then move your attention up to the next body part, (leg, knee,hips, groin, tummy, butt, chest, back, shoulders, neck and face) and do this until you have reached the top of your head. That is how I learned to relax my body for meditation.”

……The scans in total, took 25 minutes. She came on the intercom after each one and let me know what was coming up next and how long it would take. She even gave me nice little pats on the back with her words like, “you are do so good”. That helps! I was done and back home before I even figured I would of been out of the machine. So that was smooth sailing! Thank goodness! I just wish they could tell you something in regards to what they see on your scan, but I do know it is best to wait until a doctor reviews the scan. It would be nice to know if they saw something or not. Could really ease your mind! I am now super duper tired and I am ready to go climb into bed and take a nice nap. I waited for my sons laundry to get done, so I could throw in a load of my laundry and I just did that. The let down alone after a day where I have extra anxiety, always makes me have to go to take a nap and the additional medication also helped make me so tired I feel like I will fall asleep sitting here. Funny thing is, a lot of time when I feel this way and I finally climb into bed, I then lay there and cannot sleep. I can’t even open my eyes, yet, I cannot seem to go to sleep. I am hoping this will not be the case this time. I am planning for the usual two hour nap period, which includes me getting into bed and focusing on my breath, then my trigger word so my entire body will relax, then about 15 minutes for me to be asleep. I usually sleep an hour, but it may be more today. This is good though, I should be up before 7pm here and that gives me one hour before I meet my family online for the first time in over a decade! That is so exciting to me. And now we don’t have to type, we get to see and hear each other. I love Google Hangouts!

Christmas 2013…

This was the first Christmas that every got up early and I wasn’t sitting in the living room by myself. I had a good Christmas, until this evening, when the hard “ice cream headache like” pain decided to come out in my hip and down my leg. I was doing pretty well all day. I didn’t have super horrible pain and I was able to deal with the pain I was having, then, I have already made up for the lower pain level in just the last thirty minutes. This was the first Christmas since I have been an adult, that I received a stocking. That was super awesome. It was always me doing for everyone else. I received an outfit that actually fits me in my much smaller size. I wore it all day, until the horror of pain unleashed. I tried my best and I pushed myself into this day with the most positive attitude I possible could have. I was so delighted when I had the more tolerable pain. Why can’t I have just one day where the entire day can be in the more tolerable range. I am never without pain, but I can tolerate a good amount if it. It’s crazy how we find ways over time to survive while we are being eaten alive by the pain. The coping mechanisms we use to get through the day. I made sure I did not have much at all to do. Since, the last several months have proven to me that I just cannot do but one thing a day without paying the horrible price for it. I had to accept this fact! That I just could no longer even do the few small things I was doing a day. It is very difficult to accept that. I am waiting to see if there is any relief from the intensity of this pain from the meds I had to take, if not, I will soak in the tub with Epsom salt and essential oils. That, at the least, usually gives me a short break from the sharpness of the pain. 20-30 minutes anyway. I don’t have a deep tub so I am unable to get a full soak. The tub is really hard too, so I have to sit on a thick folded towel when I get in the tub and it’s super hard for me to get out of it when the pain wrenches me down to hard.

On the positive side of things, I was able to get my brother, two sisters and my mother to agree to meet online once a week in Google Hangouts and chat. We are to begin this tomorrow evening. I have been so happy to finally be able to see and talk to them all. My one other sister passed away almost 14 years ago. We have not met online to chat in a good 15 years. I miss them all so much. However, my brother just has to complain about everything. It feels like it is just to much of a bother for him so we will see if he shows up and acts like a normal person. Funny thing is, my brother hated me because I was born, then a few years ago his girlfriend left him and he became very depressed, I was the only one who would sit on the phone for long hours with him and talk to him about things he could do to win her back. When he finally did get her back, he didn’t talk to me or call again. I have spent so much of my life trying to get my family to stay connected with me and the only one that really does, is my mother.

Way to turn that positive in to a negative! SMH! Wow, this really sucks! My daughter came back home to take care of her son and she isn’t used to his energy and got tired and pissy with him then fell asleep on the couch. It is like No One can take full care of him! I need her to do this and I am now afraid she won’t be able to like all the other times. We had a nice meal for Christmas and my son and his girlfriend said they were no hungry and just stayed at the neighbors house! I give up!

Abandonment Issues…..

My whole life I have feared being abandoned. Well before I ever was abandoned by anyone. I have always felt and known things. As a child, I firmly believed in the after life and reincarnation and so on…. So much so, that after years some of my siblings and even my mother believed in it as well. My gut has never been wrong. In my early teens, I wondered why I always feared being abandoned, when no one had ever abandoned me in my life. Then in 2006, I was abandoned for the first time. My then husband left and we lost everything that I spent years working for. I can see why someone would fear that, once it has happened to them. So why have I fear abandonment my whole life then? Was it my gut telling me that it would come to pass one day? My gut has never steered me wrong, but I sure could of used all those years prior, not worrying about what was going to happen when I was 36/37 years old. Since the first encounter of abandonment, I have had it happen again. Though, my husband this time did come back. What am I supposed to learn from this? We repeat things in our lives until we learn from them! I fear being alone and have made some poor choices in my life in order to not be alone. Maybe that is what I am supposed to learn…….

Ever since the birth of my first child, I have had some serious emotions. I started crying to commercials and movies, etc. I am that way to this day! I even cried to an episode of The Simpsons once. Earlier this evening I watched the most recent episode of the new show,” Witches of East Wind” and it brought back a lot of abandonment issues for me. Thinking about how it felt when I was abandoned! Tears quickly filled my eyes. I found myself feeling all the emotions as if it had just happened to me, again. I had thought I had dealt with it all and moved on with life in that area, but I obviously still have issues with it, otherwise, I would not break down like I did. I wish there was a book somewhere that told you how to deal with things that happen to you…

They tell me I have never dealt with my sons death. How do I deal with that? Where does it list the steps that you take to deal with things that greatly affect you? When my son died, I looked for information on the stages of grief. Well, it was a few weeks after he died. I wanted to know what the heck was happening to me. We all experience the stages of grief, though some experience it in a different order and time…… The Five Stages of Grief and loss: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

Denial: Usually our first reaction to the loss of something we’re attached to, is denial. Denial is a response to the shock or disbelief of an event and is commonly employed as a coping mechanism.

Anger: This stage of grief is probably the cause of the most pain from grief. Anger can cause deep and sometimes permanent wounds that are totally unnecessary.

Bargaining: This is as strange a grief behavior as Denial. It’s where we try to make deals to gain back what we lost. In the cycle of dealing with grief, bargaining can occur before or after a loss. It is characterized by guilt, “What if” and “If only” statements and entertaining the idea that the loss can be changed or avoided.

Depression: A psychological side effect of loss is depression. Depression can be characterized by having sleeping troubles a loss of appetite, mood fluctuations or sadness

Acceptance: Accepting the loss is the final stage, and it indicates that you have come to the end of the mourning period. You will know that the grieving process is over, once you have worked through the associated emotional pain, have adjusted to differences, and moved on with your life.

You can find more information at http://www.livestrong.com/article/158796-explain-the-five-stages-of-the-grieving-process/

I thought I had accepted it all, but I guess I do not know how to actually do that. I know my son is gone and I won’t see him again until I also cross over. The stages of Grief are not only for when someone dies, but when you loose anything. It could be your job or your marriage. The closer your are and the deeper you love the person or place or even thing, the harder that loss is.