Major Venting….

I must have a sign on me that says… “If your a liar, talk to me”. I didn’t want a relationship or any man.  He came out of no where and wooed me, like no other.  He made promises I never once even asked for.  Then I find out he is a chronic liar and has done this before to another.  I deal with enough crap in my own life, why the heck did he have to pick me…

Of course, I do not want to be with anyone that is a liar, but it still hurts like hell.  I have never met a man that didn’t lie to me or that was even a man of his word.  I told him up front, right from the start, everything I deal with and how I wont be with a liar, cheater , etc.   I thought that would make sure I wasn’t hurt again.  I am so hurt and so angry that he did this to me.  What the hell?  

I am going to get fat so men just stay away from me period.  I am NEVER going to be in another relationship the rest of my suffering life!  It is hard enough to deal with the pain I live in every day, I can’t deal with this emotional hell on top of it.  It has been 5 days now, why can’t I get over it already?  To top it off, he won’t admit to the lies I have proof of.  Typical, if you don’t admit to it, it never happened.  I have been shit on by every single man in my entire life…  I struggle to survive every day.  From the pain, depression, no money, no vehicle and lack of any kind of healthy food available.  

My daughter got out of jail last week.  She is still doing good at staying away from the drugs.  I want to help her succeed, but my son won’t let me.  I am controlled in my own home.  I can’t pay the utilities and he said if I let my daughter stay here even one night they would leave.  Screw it, I am done with everything.  Leave then, I don’t care anymore…

…EXPECTATIONS…

I have trouble not having expectations of others and that always leaves me full of disappointment.  I was raised to act right, because that’s what was expected of me.  There for, I was raised to have expectations…

I have tried so hard to just let go of those expectations, but they are so deep inside of me, that they are automatic.  We can only depend on ourselves and thinking someone else will do what we would do, is great expectations of that person, which leaves us totally disappointed.  We only ever really have ourselves and we can only ever really rely on ourselves…

The Expectations of Others, Has No Place in Happiness!  Time and time again, I have fully believed what someone else has said to me or promised me, only to be greatly disappointed when they do not hold true to their promises.  Why is it so hard to NOT have Expectations? How can one really stop having expectations, when they were told their entire life to have them?  Act right, because the world expects you too!  Why couldn’t I have been raised and taught to only rely on myself?  That would of been a huge help in life…

We create our own reality, by the thoughts we have and the things we voice.  I firmly believe this to be true.  I repeat every day over and over again, “Peace, Love, Happiness and Joy”. When one is happy, everything else is easier to handle.  I have seen this to be true myself.  Even my chronic pain is easier to handle when I am Happy!  We think others will make us happy, when in reality, only WE can bring happiness into our lives…

Everything in life is a choice.  Yes, choices of others can effect us, but in our own lives we make choices constantly.  When to get out of bed, what to wear, when to eat, etc.  of course, things can happen that we did not choose, like a child dying or cancer.  There enlies the profound words of, “Everything Happens for a reason!”  This, I also believe, to be very true.  Sometimes we never know the reason and other times we do.  The reason could have been for another person or something greater than we can know in this life.  This is where your own spiritual beliefs come into play.  I believe we are our souls, not these bodies.  That we are just renting them for the experiences here and we go on after these bodies die.  So, what you believe can help you are hinder you…

We can only truly control ourselves!  No one else!  We can control if we choose to react in a positive way or a negative way to things.  We control our own choices.  We can NEVER control another, just ourselves.  We should not even try to control anyone else, this also leads to disappointment.  Because thinking you can control someone or change them, is an expectation!  All we can do is continue on in the very moment we are in and know that this is our own life.  Try your best to choose Happiness and always come from a place of Love…

I would really like to know your opinions of what I have written here.  Please feel free to comment them to me………….

Christmas Eve Ramblings…

Due to lack of funds, I was only able to buy and send my grandson a gift this year.  I did not put up the tree or decorate this year, why bother.  It is best to try and pretend it is just another regular day.  My son and his girlfriend said they could not afford to buy gifts at all this year.  Funny thing is, they bought gifts for the neighbors!  If anything they should of bought for the nephew, but this is just one of many things that proves to me how little I matter.  I pay the mortgage and scrape by, so they have a roof over their heads.  They still have NOT even tried to fix their car or put up any money for it.  No vehicle causes me a lot of stress!  They expect me to pay to fix the car when I sell my broke down van!  All I ask for is some damn effort on their part, but NO!  They still do NOTHING to help me out around the house…

Why am I still here, you ask… Well, I can’t find anywhere to take my animals in.  I have to have them homed before I can leave here to live with my parents.  I have tried everywhere. Even the shelter is not taking in anymore animals and I really did not want to do that to them anyway!  Maybe I am stuck here for now for a reason, who knows.  Just trying to deal with any of it, stresses me to the point of panic attacks.  I sure never thought I would be in this position back when I save each one of the animals…

I have been sick with the flu since last Saturday.  It came on suddenly, in my throat to chest area, cough, high fevers for three days and now I still cough like mad and am unable to eat much at all.  I can eat soup and toast, everything else kills my stomach.  I will have to break down and see the doctor next week if I don’t improve.   If I find a way to get there!  I haven’t been able to do the few basic chores in days.  I am going to try to vacuum from my rolling chair today.  Oh yeah, the kids wanted me to cook the turkey for Christmas, I haven’t even taken it out to thaw and I have NO plans on cooking!  Why would I?  I can’t eat and they are ungrateful shits…

My son, the alcoholic, was given a huge bottle of Rum last night from the neighbors.  Liquor always makes him violent.  Sure enough, he comes home last night, followed by his girlfriend and they get into a fight.  I hear her screaming in the bedroom and I had to stop him from hurting her.  The dogs freak out when they yell and they both shoved into my bedroom with me.  Have I mentioned how I am allergic to pet dander, which is why it so important to vacuum daily for me.  I don’t get it, no one is happy here!  His girlfriend lays around all day pissy when she is here.  Every chance she gets to go visit with the neighbors she goes.  My son goes to the other neighbors house and plays poker every night.  They are alcoholics there too, so I know it has a lot to do with free beer!  I don’t drink, I just never have had the stomach for it…

My daughter has been in jail since August.  She was now sentenced to six month in prison followed by four years probation.  She is waiting to be transferred.  The good thing is she is sober and I know she is safe, but she thinks she can just come here when she gets out.  She can’t!  She chose to burn this bridge until there was no bridge left.  My son says if she comes here, he is gonna leave.  Maybe I should let her and then I can just move to my parents then.  Ugh!  I wish someone would come here and find homes for my animals and then help me sell my stuff so I could just leave.  The one thing I will miss is the freedom and space I have here though.  But, I sure have become a hermit here…

The weather is awesome today and tomorrow.  70’s, so I can sit outside finally and air this house out.  I find myself feeling lonely, more so at this time of year, but I just can’t deal with another relationship.  All I can do is take everything one moment at a time.  Just continue to survive, until maybe one day something awesome will arrive.  I know all to well how things change in a blink of an eye.  I sure miss having little ones and a family for the holidays………….

Injections, Pain & Depression…

I had injections in the “butt” area, because  I am unable to sit unless it is on a squishy pillow and sometimes I cannot even sit on that.  So, the doctor wanted to do injections.  He always wants to do injections.  They must make money off of injections!  In 2012, I had 13 injections at different times through my entire spine and tailbone.  Your not supposed to have more than three injections a year!  Two of those helped for ten days, a few caused me more pain and the rest were worthless!  The butt injections were done on both sides.  On the right the injection hurt a little and I have had no increased pain and no difference that I can tell.  On the left, the injection was very painful and I have had very increased pain ever since then, which was 5 days ago!  It has caused the pain from there all the way down my leg to be much worse!  Just what I needed…

When my pain goes up, my depression gets worse!  Also, when my depression goes up, my pain gets worse.  Vicious circle!  Rightnow, I am in a pretty bad place.  Everything sucks, nothing brings me joy and the pain is just too much.  The last two nights I was woke several times with horrible leg cramps.  I am talking about the kind that feel like your legs are being ripped apart!  I am left with wrenched up muscles in my legs today.  Come the “F*ck” on!  

Back Story:  on November 15, 2010, I was beaten by a gang that was going after my neighbor.  I had just returned from the store and two vehicles pulled up with over a dozen thugs.  They jumped out, the neighbor was standing in the road at my driveway talking to my son.  The thugs pounced on the neighbor and in seconds he ran inside his house.  Then the thugs attacked my son and me in our OWN YARD,  I was beat from behind repeatedly until I completely pissed myself and one of the thugs pulled out a shotgun.  The rest of the thugs backed off and the gun man pointed it right at my son and me!  He pulled the trigger, but some how he lost control of the shotgun and it shot up.  A neighbor down the street saw me being beat and he came out with his handgun and shot it in the air, then all the thugs took off!  From that day on, I have had pain, non-stop pain, that has gotten worse every single year!  It took the doctors several years & painful tests, after I lost feeling in both feet and the pain started there as well, to figure out that the bundle of nerves which comes out both sides of the lower spine are compressed.  Hence, why I get worse every year and I am to the point of giving up completely.  Doctor just plain suck here!  I have constant pain in the left side of my neck, both sides from the waist down to my feet, with the left side being the worst.  Come on already, if your going to do injections why not do them at the bundle of nerves?  They denied me the spinal cord stimulator, which would block the pain!  The pain meds help take the sharp edge off of a lot of it, but nothing reduces it enough to have any kind of a real life!  Most of the time, I have to sit in a chair with pillows to do anything at all and when I can stand it is not for long at all.  It fells like my hips are being crushed into my spine and I am walking on sharp rocks that crush my bones in my feet, but I have no feeling on the surface (skin area) of my feet.  Without any pain meds, I am in a wheelchair…

I am very grateful for my home!  However, I struggle every single month!  I am disabled and get $810 a month, I pay the mortgage & my co-pays for all the meds and have nothing left!  I haven’t had a vehicle in over a year now either!  I can’t pay to fix things (like the rotten wood on the house, etc.) or even get things I need!  I cannot find any place to help me pay the utilities here.  I want to stay in my home and I should be able to find help, I am Disabled, but I have tried for two years now, ever since my husband left me!  I can go live with my parents, but I loose my privacy and I have to find homes for all my animals, which I have tried to do to no avail.  Then, what do I do when my parents die?  Another reason to keep my home…

Just thinking about any of it, causes Panic Attacks, Anxiety and increases my damn depression!  I really wish someone would just come in and help me out!  If I still lived in Illinois, I would get the help I need, but I don’t have a home there, my home is in Georgia.  Georgia sucks…

So, I have had to stop typing this four times now, due to pain, panic, anxiety and freaking out!  I am trying to just not think period.  That is very difficult to do!  I know that if I can just let myself feel what ever it is that I am feeling and stop fighting it, the depression will ease up quicker.  I really am trying, but there is just so much crap to deal with.  I feel completely alone!  I am alone, I do not have any local friends, no one to talk to and I have nothing to do with the opposite sex anymore.  I just can’t deal with someone else’s crap on top of my own anymore…

Final thought:  I am tired of hearing people say that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, when I have been going through more and more crap for six years now.  There is NO light, just Darkness………….

I Am Done…

I have come to realize that I need to just be done with everyone and everything!  Having Panic & AnxietyDisorder plus Major Depression & Chronic Pain, I NEED Peace, Quiet and Calm around me.  I have already been isolated to my house.  My son lives here too.  So much is needed to be done to my house.  The soffit & facia are rotting away.  There are cobwebs all over the entire outside of the house!  I get very ill in the heat and I am unable to get out there and remove them…  Almost daily, I find more dents and holes in my walls and appliances.  You guessed it… My son is an alcoholic with anger issues.  He won’t do any of the repairs here.  Which is one of many reasons I am going to eventually have to go live with my parents…

I have always had a big heart and cared way too much!  Every since the 3rd husband cheated and left, I have been cold and unable to feel love.  Why Stress & Struggle to keep my home, when it is like paddling up river!  I have to keep telling myself to just not care…

The ‘Darkness’ (depression) has been invading my mind and body for the last few days.  Most likely jacked up due to another sucky birthday on Monday and now the full moon!  I force myself to do the basic chores, even though it causes me more pain, because it is the only way my body gets any exercise at all!  Plus, I am allergic to dust, mold, mildew, pollen and pet dander.  Yes, I have several animals, because I always felt life was better with them…

Every single time I even think about all I have to do in order to prepare to move, I shut down!  I can’t handle any amount of stress anymore.  But my entire life is stress.  Lack of food, lack of funds, lack of it all…

Why can’t I just go to sleep and not wake back up!!!  I don’t have a clue how I am going to do the things needed to be done, just so I can move.  I have no energy at all!  The Pain rules my life and the darkness is sucking me into its pit of hell…

Depression sucks royally allow its own!  Then the Panic & Anxiety crap was thrown in there!  And now, the chronic pain…  So, I am done!  I am just going to make myself not care at all!  Some how, some way!  I try to occupy my mind by watching tv, it does help when I have a show I can binge watch on Netflix.  Ugh, I am so tired and so lifeless…

April 2015

I have been struggling with increased pain recently.  Living here with the negativity and daily stress does affect how I feel.  I am counting down the days to when I leave to visit family up north for five weeks.  My daughter wakes and every single day she immediately begins yelling at her son.  I have repeatedly told her that I cannot take that anymore, yet she still does it.  They all seem to think they should be rewarded for when they actually do something around here, yet I am supposed to treat them like adults, as if we are all just roommates.  I am strongly considering moving up north.  I feel so much better out of this environment, instead of feeling good until someone wakes up and starts yelling.  This feels like the life is being sucked out of me!

I have never had my own life.  I became pregnant and then married at the age of 16 and I have been married three times.  Always went from one husband right to the next one.  This time I have stopped that and I have stayed single.  I tried dating, but found all of the men to be of great disappointment.  So instead, I have been working on myself and I go to the gym three times a week.  I am ready for my own life now.  I deserve my own life.  I have raised my kids and taken care of everyone else ever since I was 16 years old.  I am now 45 years old.  

I do not want to loose my house here, in order to keep it I have to pay the mortgage, that leaves me with little money to take care of myself though.  That is what has been stopping me from just leaving.  Plus, my grandson needs a stable home.

Our minds are very powerful.  What ever you choose to do, you can master!  It is much easier to accomplish when you are in an environment of peace though.  When I took three weeks and went to my parents house, I was in peace and I saw the stress melt off my face!  I began to feel very good about myself as well.  That is the key to our own happiness, our environment!

I do believe I am going to have a difficult time coming back home from my trip up north.  Maybe that will finally be the push that makes me choose myself for once!

Pictures of me now…

   

With my daughter   

With my grandson  

  

Ready to Fly Away…

I have been seriously struggling with some major depression lately. I have spent the last few days crying for mostly Unknown reasons. I feel like there is something missing from my life and I also feel like I do not mean much at all to my damn adult kids, except for what I can do for them!

To start off, the court date for divorce is postponed. I found out I was supposed to file an “answer” and a “Poverty Packet” so I don’t have to pay the court reporter fees. My EX was pissed when the judge asked me if I will be going for alimony and I said Yes. I turn in the poverty packet tomorrow and I have to wait for that to be approved, then I can file my answer, which is where I list what I want. I know I will be awarded the alimony, I just pray they give me a garnishment of wages so I actually get the alimony. I am guessing the court date will most likely be in May or June for all of that.

Then…. My EX has announced that he is in a relationship, as of Valentines Day, to the girl he has been with this entire time. I don’t miss my ex or want him back, but I do have very hurt emotions about how I was promised to be loved and taken care of and how he swore he would never leave. Just so tired of that shit happening. I do know my emotions and hurt feelings are part of my depression and tears, but I am not sure what all the rest of it is.

And… I had a good Valentines Day. My adult kids got me candy and an edible arrangement. My BF got me a stuffed dog, card and heart full of chocolates. He was over for the weekend, after I had not seen him for three full weeks. He is great when he is here with attention and being loving. I miss the attention when he is not here, but we don’t seem to really talk about much ever. When we are apart he will text a couple of times through the day just to ask me what I am doing or to say he loves me. I like that, but also feel like it is barely anything at all for an entire day. I tend to feel like I am not very important to him.

Further more……. I have decided I am going to my parents house the end of this month for a couple of weeks. For one, I need to be able to relax and rest in order to heal. I have lumps throughout my neck that are swelled. Had a CT and was sent quickly to an ear, nose and throat doctor. He said he did not feel it was cancer, but I had to be checked again in 6 weeks with another CT and see him. I am on antibiotics until then as well. It’s been ten days so far on this round of antibiotics and no change has occurred. This worries me, because if they all don’t go back down to normal I will have to have several biopsies done in April. While at this doctors office he sprayed some stuff up my nose that smelled like grapes. After several minutes my nose became numb and he put a camera up my nose and into my throat and looked at everything. He said we have another tonsil which is not round but long and bumpy and it is locate between the nose and throat. Mine is very inflamed and looks bad. This is also where the pain is coming from too. Hmmm… So much for having a loving husband to be by my side and supportive for me. Much like the two major surgeries I had in the summer and had to be all by myself! For two years now I have lost weight for no reason, I also lost the feeling in both of my feet. I knew something was wrong then and I still know it today. I keep thinking how the only thing that causes weight loss like that is cancer. No, I don’t want that. I feel I have suffered a great deal already in this life and there is no way I deserve more suffering. I do the right thing. I care about others. I have no clue why I deserve what has already happened to me.

Now here we are… The deep, dark depression… I can see I am angry, feel alone and not important to others. I know I have plenty of reasons to feel down. But, being exhausted all the time and feeling sick constantly is really becoming a problem. I can barely get the kitchen cleaned up daily and I haven’t been able to vacuum every day, let alone anything else that needs to be done. No one here will do a damn thing either. My daughter pays for my cell phone, because I watch her son and then tonight she tells me I will have to go without the cell phone for a few days because she can’t pay it on time. This is the kind of crap they do to me. Then I guess I won’t be babysitting for a few days? She knows I won’t do that to my grandson though. I have had enough of struggling to get by on my disability and paying the mortgage here, then I am left with nothing to even by basic needs with. I could take care of myself if I just moved in with my parents. But no, I stay here because my adult kids and grandson have no where else to go. Ugh…… One day I will choose me over anyone else!

Hopefully, going to my parents will do what it usually does. I will be able to rest and heal. I will be able to explore my own mind and find out what all is bothering me very much. Here at home, I am never left alone long enough to think. Normally I would be sleeping right now, but I am stressed out feeling and can’t sleep, so I got back up out of bed and chose to write it here. I will once again do a daily journal of what I find and what I do while at my parents. My BF says it will suck about me being gone, yet I feel like it really doesn’t matter much since I went three weeks without seeing him until I drove the hour to go get him and he barely texts with a very rare phone call. This is for me! I can sit in the sun daily, maybe even have a tan when I come back home, nice! I always feel so much better after a trip there, which I have always said I would be doing twice a year from now on! The weather will be 60’s, 70’s and 80’s while I am there, perfect! Maybe my mom will buy me a bathing, suit since I don’t have one and some jeans too. I don’t have any that fit me. I just need this extra hanging skin to go away and take all the stretch marks with it………….

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“Me with a fake smile”

It Seems Like I Keep Getting Sick…

A week ago, I noticed a swollen area in my neck on the right side. I do not have my tonsils and I have not had even a sore throat really ever since they were removed. This lump got bigger and more painful every day and then another lump on the other side of my neck came up. On Monday, the lump was big enough to see just by looking at my neck, so I went to the doctor. He said he felt it was the Eustachian tubes and not lymph nodes since it is a long thin lump. He put me on high doses of amoxicillin, 1,000 mg twice a day and gave me a steroid shot in my butt. After three days I was still dealing with very large painful lumps. It feels like I have a sore throat but it is really coming from deep in my ear where it meets the throat. I put in another call to the doctor yesterday but I have not heard anything yet. I was unable to even stay awake yesterday. I very much need some relief from this and I want to know what the heck is going on. I guess I will go into the ER if I don’t get anywhere today and it keeps causing me so much distress.

On the boyfriend front… I jumped the gun and let him move in here with me and he was a completely different person. The five days he had stayed with me before where amazing, but when he had living here status he was a jack ass. What is up with men anyway. I feel thinks I never felt in my life for this guy, I had thought it must be true love, now I am left wondering what it really is. I ended up having him move back out after one week. My brain says he is not good for me and my heart/body wants him. He doesn’t put forth the effort to make me a priority though. I am going with the flow and seeing what happens. My best friend says she has a bad feeling about him and I need to stay away from him.

An old friend from high school has been talking to me and we have been catching up on things over the years. That’s been real nice. Heck, he has been more attentive towards me than anyone!

My daughter was arrested five days after beating me and spent a night in jail. They waited five days to arrest her for beating me in the head, weird! The judge put her on a year of probation where she has to check in monthly and pay on fines and she is to have no violent contact with me. The judge also ordered her to do family counseling, but they have not enforced that. So, basically, they get some money out of the deal and I can have her put in jail for a year if she chooses to be violent toward me again. I guess that is a step in the right direction. She just needs to stay off drugs and alcohol!

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The boyfriend and me…

WOW, Emotional Hell…

I have been dealing with some major depression lately. Two months of feelings of abandonment then I also feel glad to be alone too. The biggest thing for me to deal with, is financial!

I started on a low dose estrogen last night. Since the surgeries took everything out of me, we are hoping the major deep depression is due to no more hormones. Only time will tell. Every single day, when the sun starts to go down, I become severely depressed. Not one day have I not had to deal with this. I also get crazy full body hot flashes through out the day, they do not seem to last very long but they are getting more and more common.

My Ex is still trying to get me to have sex with him. Why? I don’t get it! He has begun to receive his karma. Someone slammed into the back bumper of his precious truck while it was parked in a parking lot and he broke his toe. This is just the beginning. He expects me to type up his letter for him to the IRS. I am such a nice and loving person that I agree to things before I even realize it. So now he will be back by today. He stopped by yesterday and asked me for a kiss. Really!?! Every single person asks me why the hell I was ever with him. He is unattractive and a jerk and no one likes him. I guess I was supposed to teach him things, that’s all I can come up with. There is also the fact that he came along right when I had planned to end my life, so maybe it was to keep me alive. That was 8 years ago and I had the where, when and how all set! I could of used not to have the pain and torture of the 7 years we were married though!

It seems if I were the type of person that could just have casual sex, I could do that on a daily basis, but that is NOT me! Casual sex sucks. I always have to spend time teaching the guy I am with how to do it right! Plus sex without a connection is worthless to me. I feel more confident since I have so many guys tell me I am beautiful, but I still just want that one man that makes me his entire world and never stops. I deserve that and I will find that! It does get disappointing when you find out that everyone seems to only care about sex even when they are in their 50’s! I want the soul connection…

I have been talking to a guy that lives a long way away from me, but I feel a connection with him. I feel like, if we were to meet in person my soul would be over joyed! He is open and communicates well. That being the one thing that I have never been able to find in a man! I am beginning to think he may be the one I have searched for my entire life. So, until the day we meet, I will enjoy our little conversations.

Every night, when the sun begins to set, I feel so badly that I just want to go to bed, because when I wake in the morning, I feel pretty good. Then I repeat this every single day of this dreaded life………….

How the Single Life has been going…

My soon to be EX has been gone for 3 1/2 weeks now. It has been wonderful not having his negativity and pissy attitude in the house. Believe it or not, he actually tried to get me to meet him somewhere for sex. Really!?! I have not even had sex since my surgeries and I am frankly pretty scared of it hurting. Many woman have stated it hurt for several times after a hysterectomy where they remove the cervix and have to stitch it closed. They also stated that the length of your vagina is shortened so a long penis would also be painful. Long sucks anyway, what is great is a thick one! I have been thinking a lot about sex and I know I have to check to see if it hurts before I even attempt to do it with anyone. It has been 9 weeks since my last surgery this Monday that just passed.

Lately, I have been really tired often. I did way too much over the last two weeks trying to get through all the stuff in the big shed, the small shed, the shed attached to the house and the attic. I am having a yard sale this Saturday. I had to spend several days resting because I ended up in too much pain. I am still feeling very tired and my pain levels are up. My meds are not helping much at all.

I decided to join an online dating site. My daughter uses POF so I signed up for that one since it’s free to message, etc. I had lots of men hit on me there, but they mostly seemed to be after sex. I am looking for a man that fits with my morals and doesn’t lie. Which is a very hard thing to find. I have been married here times and I never held out for the right man that fit with me well. I don’t want to be with an alcoholic or a liar or a cheater. I want someone I can talk to and shares in my morals. I have never stole a thing in my life and I think everyone needs to treat the earth better. I talk to men that seems like they may fit according to their profile and then after talking a while I will meet them. I have met three men so far, because most men don’t even get to the stage of talking. They are alcoholics or liars or something else. One man, I quickly discovered he lied often and he had a drug problem. Another one I met and he came on so strong I knew all he wanted was sex, so no to that one too. However, I have met one man that fits with my morals, doesn’t seem to be a liar and I enjoy time with him. I have went out with him twice so far and we talk daily. He does seem to have some OCD issues and he is always going. I keep waiting to find out what is bad about him, since that is always what happens. It is so depressing. This man doesn’t seem to put forth much effort, which I don’t like. I was messaging him every day, so I stopped and after two days he messaged me. I want a man to court me like they would in the old days. I have NEVER had that! I do not want to ever live with a man again,but I would like to have a relationship where we were only with each other and we did things together. I really like having my bed and bathroom to myself! Maybe one day I will find the right guy and he will will be loving and attentive towards me.

So, that’s what’s been going on with me for the last few weeks. When I get the yard sale done, I will work on the Halloween props that need repair. After Halloween I will scrub all the baseboards and paint them, then the doors. The list is endless of things that need to be done here! My daughter is trying to find a job to help cover the utility bills. That’s all my ex even paid here, was three utility bills, yet he tells everyone that he paid all the bills here. I have always paid the biggest bill, the mortgage, and he has NEVER paid all the bills, but I did for a few years when he didn’t work. Makes me sick how much he lies. No one likes him and he has been trying to find people to do things with him. I married an unattractive man thinking he would never cheat. Guess it doesn’t matter what they look like! I’m totally done with marriage, three strikes and your out! I put my all into the marriages and they wouldn’t even try!

Wish me lots of luck for my future. I have been struggling with some serious depression every night. I am still swollen in my abdomen from doing too much too,so I feel fat…lol!

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My current picture…