Beautiful Weather, Jacked-Up Pain…

It has been 12 days now since the injections I had in the bursa of my butt cheek areas.  The left side has stayed with increased pain and now I have pain all through the hip and top of the leg!  This is also on the right side, but the left is much worse…

I am tired of feeling like I am being ignored and pushed along at every doctor visit!  They did nothing when I told them my feet were going numb years ago and now both are completely numb, plus I have pain the feels like they are being crushed and when I walk it feels like walked on very sharp glass.  I have to wear shoes always and they have to be tennis shoes that are way bigger than my feet, because I can’t stand anything touching them!  I am slowly getting to the point of having to be back in a wheel chair!  Like is said, every single year it just progresses and gets worse!  What do I have to do?  I see the Pain Doctor, or should I say the damn PA tomorrow!  (I hate that). The pain medication does help take the very hard edge off of the pain, but they never give enough to actually give you a life…  While drug addicts seem to have no problem getting the drugs!  This really pisses me off!  While I lived in IL, I had to go through a ton of meds to find what worked for my Panic, Anxiety and depression.  I moved back to GA and they wouldn’t give me those meds!  Yet, drug addicts get them… WTF! I am so damn tired of it…

Hurricane Mathew came by, I am inland, but we expected very high winds and a lot of rain. We did get a decent amount of rain, but it was mostly a light rain fall for a solid 12 hours and some decent wind gusts, but no where near as bad as we expected.  Which is good, I worried about the dead tree in the back yard coming down.  When your disabled and struggling to make it, you do not have the funds to take care of anything!  

Tell me, how does one eat an entire month on $200, which also has to buy the condements and sugar, flour, etc.?  I am basically living on those $1.00 Party Pizzas, which does a number on my intestinal track!  I can’t even count how many mornings now that I have crappy myself!  IBS, which did not bother me for years, is back in full swing, all because I cannot buy healthy food.  I never eat breakfast or lunch, I eat crackers and fruit cups when the hunger pains get to me or my blood glucose drops too much.  I am Hypoglycemic, but not diabetic.  Hypoglycemia runs in my family.  Sometimes the hypoglycemia causes me a lot of problems and other times I can go months or even years where it does nothing…

Exercise….. Living with constant chronic pain, it is difficult to get any exercise.  This is why I force myself to clean up the kitchen, wipe all the tables down and use the light vacuum through the house every day.  That is the only exercise I get and it is painful, but I do it so my body moves everyday…

…The vacuum I had, a Dyson, was too heavy for me to use and I had NO way to buy another vacuum.  I wrote to three of the top vacuum places and explained my situation to them.  Hoover sent me a very lightweight vacuum that is steerable and super easy to use.  I recommend it for anyone suffering from a chronic pain condition.  Hoover Air Steerable, UH72400!  It has truly been a godsend for me!  It has a button to turn on or off the beater bar.  My house is just under 1400 square feet and the main areas are all hard floors with throw rugs, while the bedrooms are carpeted.  I have several animals, all of which I got before I knew I would be in this position of being alone and no money!  I am allergic to Pet Dander, so vacuuming daily is importent for my health. The Hoover Air Steerable picks up all the hair and even cat food and litter, while it transitions from hard floor to carpet all on its own!  I have always been a person that would NEVER ask for help, but now I am in the position, that the only way I will survive, is through help.  I don’t understand why the state of GA does nothing to help!  I literally have nothing left after paying the mortgage and utilities.  Yet, I can’t get help with the utilities!  How do I buy needed items?  Like toilet paper, DEODERANT, soap, shampoo and conditioner, etc.  I do everything I can to earn Amazon credits through Bing and Crowdtap, but that gets me around $10 a month and you have to have a $49 Oder for free shipping unless your Prime, which I can’t afford!  I wrote Amazon about that and they just gave me one $20credit…WTF!  Where is the help for people who are Disabled and Alone with no help from a spouse or anyone else?  I have tried everywhere and I do NOT have a vehicle!  My son’s girlfriend was getting me to appointments and now her vehicle has been broke down for months!  My insurance will give me 12 rides to appointments a year, which is no where near enough!  What about getting to the store and pharmacy?  I have rotten wood on my house, can’t pay to fix it!  The list is endless…

So there enlies the massive STRESS!  Which is also why I have been having Panic Attacks Daily!  Ugh…  In IL I was on Xanex, it works fast so when an attack started I could take one and in 15 minutes it would help me.  In GA, they refused to give me that and put me on Ativan, which takes an hour to work, so I have to take it three times a day to keep it in my system and I am still having attacks!  Yet, I constantly hear about the damn drug addicts getting Xanex.  I am ANGRY and just plain sick and tired of the crap………….

Injections, Pain & Depression…

I had injections in the “butt” area, because  I am unable to sit unless it is on a squishy pillow and sometimes I cannot even sit on that.  So, the doctor wanted to do injections.  He always wants to do injections.  They must make money off of injections!  In 2012, I had 13 injections at different times through my entire spine and tailbone.  Your not supposed to have more than three injections a year!  Two of those helped for ten days, a few caused me more pain and the rest were worthless!  The butt injections were done on both sides.  On the right the injection hurt a little and I have had no increased pain and no difference that I can tell.  On the left, the injection was very painful and I have had very increased pain ever since then, which was 5 days ago!  It has caused the pain from there all the way down my leg to be much worse!  Just what I needed…

When my pain goes up, my depression gets worse!  Also, when my depression goes up, my pain gets worse.  Vicious circle!  Rightnow, I am in a pretty bad place.  Everything sucks, nothing brings me joy and the pain is just too much.  The last two nights I was woke several times with horrible leg cramps.  I am talking about the kind that feel like your legs are being ripped apart!  I am left with wrenched up muscles in my legs today.  Come the “F*ck” on!  

Back Story:  on November 15, 2010, I was beaten by a gang that was going after my neighbor.  I had just returned from the store and two vehicles pulled up with over a dozen thugs.  They jumped out, the neighbor was standing in the road at my driveway talking to my son.  The thugs pounced on the neighbor and in seconds he ran inside his house.  Then the thugs attacked my son and me in our OWN YARD,  I was beat from behind repeatedly until I completely pissed myself and one of the thugs pulled out a shotgun.  The rest of the thugs backed off and the gun man pointed it right at my son and me!  He pulled the trigger, but some how he lost control of the shotgun and it shot up.  A neighbor down the street saw me being beat and he came out with his handgun and shot it in the air, then all the thugs took off!  From that day on, I have had pain, non-stop pain, that has gotten worse every single year!  It took the doctors several years & painful tests, after I lost feeling in both feet and the pain started there as well, to figure out that the bundle of nerves which comes out both sides of the lower spine are compressed.  Hence, why I get worse every year and I am to the point of giving up completely.  Doctor just plain suck here!  I have constant pain in the left side of my neck, both sides from the waist down to my feet, with the left side being the worst.  Come on already, if your going to do injections why not do them at the bundle of nerves?  They denied me the spinal cord stimulator, which would block the pain!  The pain meds help take the sharp edge off of a lot of it, but nothing reduces it enough to have any kind of a real life!  Most of the time, I have to sit in a chair with pillows to do anything at all and when I can stand it is not for long at all.  It fells like my hips are being crushed into my spine and I am walking on sharp rocks that crush my bones in my feet, but I have no feeling on the surface (skin area) of my feet.  Without any pain meds, I am in a wheelchair…

I am very grateful for my home!  However, I struggle every single month!  I am disabled and get $810 a month, I pay the mortgage & my co-pays for all the meds and have nothing left!  I haven’t had a vehicle in over a year now either!  I can’t pay to fix things (like the rotten wood on the house, etc.) or even get things I need!  I cannot find any place to help me pay the utilities here.  I want to stay in my home and I should be able to find help, I am Disabled, but I have tried for two years now, ever since my husband left me!  I can go live with my parents, but I loose my privacy and I have to find homes for all my animals, which I have tried to do to no avail.  Then, what do I do when my parents die?  Another reason to keep my home…

Just thinking about any of it, causes Panic Attacks, Anxiety and increases my damn depression!  I really wish someone would just come in and help me out!  If I still lived in Illinois, I would get the help I need, but I don’t have a home there, my home is in Georgia.  Georgia sucks…

So, I have had to stop typing this four times now, due to pain, panic, anxiety and freaking out!  I am trying to just not think period.  That is very difficult to do!  I know that if I can just let myself feel what ever it is that I am feeling and stop fighting it, the depression will ease up quicker.  I really am trying, but there is just so much crap to deal with.  I feel completely alone!  I am alone, I do not have any local friends, no one to talk to and I have nothing to do with the opposite sex anymore.  I just can’t deal with someone else’s crap on top of my own anymore…

Final thought:  I am tired of hearing people say that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, when I have been going through more and more crap for six years now.  There is NO light, just Darkness………….

Lost in the Emotional Abyss…

Lately, my dreams have been telling me many things.  I don’t recall them ever being as vivid as they are now.  May things I forgot all about, have come up in my dreams.  I truly believe dreams tell us many things and also help us work through past issues…

Two nights ago, I had a dream where I stayed at my address because I knew my deceased son would find his way back here.  Subconsciously I am holding on to my home and I know I have been, I just did not know why…

Last night, I had a dream that reminded me of many past betrayals, hurt, pain, mistrust and back stabbing.  It also showed me that those things would continue if I chose to move where I had been planning to go.  I had completely forgot of all of those things!  

The only thing I can do is try, my best to be inthe here and now!  Allow what ever may come to come.  Thoughts of the past just cause depression and thoughts of the future bring about panic and anxiety.  It sounds easy, yet it is so very difficult to just be inthe here and now…

I do not feel right and I can’t seem to place the emotions I am feeling!  They are a twist and turn of so many different things.  I know I feel Lost, Angry,Depressed and I am so tired of being in constant pain!  Like a roller coaster, I roll through emotions as fast as the cart goes up and down.  Tears flow suddenly and I don’t know why, then I feel Anger, yet that also disappears as fast as it came on, and so on…

I have survived through so much!  Two bouts of Mono (Epstein-Barr), 5th Disease, My sister dying, MY SON DYING, two husbands abandoning me, being beat by a gang (where the Chronic Pain Started), almost dying and having a giant surgery to save my life, my drug addict daughter and finally getting to a place where I no longer wanted a man in my life!  I never thought I would come to a place where I did not feel like I had to have someone!  The worse one of all was the death of my son and still is!  I haven’t had a vehicle in a year (no funds to get one either), I barely survive on my tiny disability and it is hell trying to find ways to get to appointments!  I am sure I am forgetting several things…

I am often left wondering why the heck I lived through that last surgery!  For what?  I do believe we all have several things to overcome in our lives, much like lessons.  I cannot do anymore lessons!  I am DONE!  I feel lost and confused…

Somehow, I still have some Hope inside of me, I don’t know how – but it is there.  Hope that something great is coming.  I just don’t know if I can keep holding on………….

I Am Done…

I have come to realize that I need to just be done with everyone and everything!  Having Panic & AnxietyDisorder plus Major Depression & Chronic Pain, I NEED Peace, Quiet and Calm around me.  I have already been isolated to my house.  My son lives here too.  So much is needed to be done to my house.  The soffit & facia are rotting away.  There are cobwebs all over the entire outside of the house!  I get very ill in the heat and I am unable to get out there and remove them…  Almost daily, I find more dents and holes in my walls and appliances.  You guessed it… My son is an alcoholic with anger issues.  He won’t do any of the repairs here.  Which is one of many reasons I am going to eventually have to go live with my parents…

I have always had a big heart and cared way too much!  Every since the 3rd husband cheated and left, I have been cold and unable to feel love.  Why Stress & Struggle to keep my home, when it is like paddling up river!  I have to keep telling myself to just not care…

The ‘Darkness’ (depression) has been invading my mind and body for the last few days.  Most likely jacked up due to another sucky birthday on Monday and now the full moon!  I force myself to do the basic chores, even though it causes me more pain, because it is the only way my body gets any exercise at all!  Plus, I am allergic to dust, mold, mildew, pollen and pet dander.  Yes, I have several animals, because I always felt life was better with them…

Every single time I even think about all I have to do in order to prepare to move, I shut down!  I can’t handle any amount of stress anymore.  But my entire life is stress.  Lack of food, lack of funds, lack of it all…

Why can’t I just go to sleep and not wake back up!!!  I don’t have a clue how I am going to do the things needed to be done, just so I can move.  I have no energy at all!  The Pain rules my life and the darkness is sucking me into its pit of hell…

Depression sucks royally allow its own!  Then the Panic & Anxiety crap was thrown in there!  And now, the chronic pain…  So, I am done!  I am just going to make myself not care at all!  Some how, some way!  I try to occupy my mind by watching tv, it does help when I have a show I can binge watch on Netflix.  Ugh, I am so tired and so lifeless…

Another Year Older…

Yesterday I turned 47 years old.  It was a day, just like all the rest!  Nothing different really. I have always made my kids what ever they wanted for their birthday cake.  I have ALWAYS said “Everyone deserves a cake!”  Do you know what…. I have not had a birthday cake in several years now…

My mom and one of my sisters sent me gifts off my Amazon Wish List.  I received a Walking Dead shirt, Dark Chocolate Espresso beans, 2 essential oils and a cobalt blue glass spray bottle.  I make all the cleaners and detergents here.  My Brother did call me, but I truly hate being on the phone.  It is funny, I used to live on the phone in my 20’s, even had a headset, so I could be on the phone and do things.  But now, I HATE it…

My son and his girlfriend gave me hair clips, a big Mr. Goodbar and a New York Style Cheesecake.  I guess that was supposed to be my birthday cake, but no candles or anything and I really wanted birthday cake!  So, I made my homemade chocolate cupcakes and my homemade frosting for myself… SMH!

I am Disabled and try to survive on a VERY SMALL fixed income of $800 a month and pay the mortgage on my home, I can’t even cover the utilities and I can’t get any help here!  My car broke down last November and I have had to rely on my son’s girlfriend to take me to appointments and grocery shop once a month with $200 to get what is needed in the house and feed myself! (Which is why I can’t afford to get proper food). Her car broke down a couple of weeks ago.  She had taken the money out of her Christmas club account before it broke down, which was supposed to go towards the car, but it did not and is ALL gone now!  It is looking like it will be, at the very least, $500 + to fix it, none of us have the money…

I have to wait until fall, when it cools of here, before I can go through the shed and then have a yard sale for some money.  I will have to save every penny of it, because I will have to go live with my parents!  I will loose my home and privacy!  I have to find homes for my animals and put two of them down that are old!  But, I will be able to eat right and not have to worry about how I will get to appointments.  I am not sure what will happen when I switch my pain doctor to down there either.  Just when I finally got on something that helps some!  I don’t understand how I ended up here.  I worked hard, made good money and built a great life.  But, I married two very shitty men that fucked me over!  What do I do when my parents both die?  They are in their 70’s…

I try so hard to be positive and not think of the past or speculate the future!  It never seems to fail, my birthday always puts me in the dark place!  I also end up there every year on the date my son died, well actually it starts a good week before then!  I spend Halloween through New Years there as well.  The Holidays and my deceased sons birthday is in December too…

I have NO friends here and I rarely get out of my house.  I actually only have one friend and she has been my friend since we were ten years old, but she lives far away!  I miss friends, but here, everyone is either an alcoholic or on drugs!  So, I live just me in every way!  I have NO desire for another man in my life!  I NEED complete Peace & Quiet in order to not have massive Panic issues.  I just can’t deal with a mans B.S. anymore..

I go through spells where I feel it would all just be so much easier if I just dropped dead!  Oh how many times I have begged GOD to bring me back home!  I can’t take my own life, so that is the ONLY way…

(Here is a pic of my cupcakes)………….

Thinking About My Chilhood…

I can remember back to age 4.  Of course, some of those memories are not good at all and some are just strange…

As a kid, I would get sick often and when I had a fever I would see colored spots, so I always knew when I had a fever.  I also felt like a hand was after me all the time.  I have memories of being out back eating at the picnic table with family and that hand trying to get me there too.  At this point, I don’t know if it was just nightmares that stuck with me or what!  

I always knew when the phone was going to ring and if the call my siblings tried to make would be busy on the other end.  I have always had some kind of a connection to spirit.  I also had a friend no one else could see, Elizabeth, she stayed with me until I was an adult.  My son that passed away told me he saw her a few weeks before he died…

I can remember watching my siblings get on the bus for school when I was 4 years old.  I would stand in the large picture window and watch them.  I am much younger than all of my siblings.  From 8 years younger to 11 years younger.  I remember playing in the laundry basket with the clothes pins watching Seaseme Street, then my mother yelling at me and choking me until I passed out.  My sister told me that my mom threw me into the picture window when I was 2 years old, but I do not remember that.  My mom has the mental issue that run in this family, though I can’t figure out where she got them from.  Her mother did not have them, but her father died before I was born…

My brother is the oldest and then I have three sisters.  All of us girls were beat.  I heard my mom say she doesn’t like girls when I was an adult.  Funny thing is, I am the only one that never held a grudge against my mom for the beatings, out of my siblings…

When I was 10 years old, we had to move from NY to Canada.  Moving as a kid sucks!  Canada was ok, I made a few friends, but we were only there for 3 months, then moved to IL.  IL is where kids were very cruel to me!  I often wonder what mylife would be like now if we had stayed in NY.  I dreaded going to school.  I would get very sick to my tummy every Sunday night!  If only I knew then what I know now…

We can’t change the past!  We also cannot be stuck in the past, that just brings negative emotions.  We have to find a way to accept what ever has occurred and move on!  One day at a time, we get through the day!  I finally have come to a place where I am able to toss out the old.  I made a memories book, then threw out all the remaining photos I had, which were a lot! My son has been gone for over 13 years now, so I made a book of him and tossed the rest.  I have always had a cabinet filled with some of his things and I will keep that until I can no longer bring it with me…

 I have been through so much in this life already.  I will be 47 on Monday and I was beat as a child, I have been raped, I have lost a child, been married three times and the last two cheated and left (I left the first after 5 yrs due to him being an alcoholic & we married too young, the next one lasted 16 yrs and the last for 7 yrs), I have been homeless, my daughter is a drug addict and has beat me (she lives on the streets & is often in jail),  my youngest is an insulin dependent diabetic plus an alcoholic and has also beat me (my son that died was the only one who was good to me), I was on my death bed and had to have a giant surgery to save my life while is was recovering my last husband left me, I struggle to make ends meet and even eat…

But, I have come to a place I never thought I would get!  I no longer have a need inside of me to be with a man!  I always felt I had to be with someone!   I have been single for two years now.  I tried dating the first year, but I just couldn’t find someone I could stand…lol!  So, I chose a year ago to just be me and not date or even look for someone else.  Guess what I found?  I LOVE being just ME!  I also found that I NEED Peace, Quiet and Calm in order to feel decent.  It truly is amazing.  I have NO desire to keep coloring my hair, so I am no longer doing that and letting my hair grow out!  No need to impress anyone and no need to attract men that just seem to want sex…lol!  I don’t even wear makeup anymore…

BTW- I HATE autocorrect…lol!

A Lost Soul….

I never thought I would be here going on 47 years old!  I work and built a great life, then my son died and my husband left and everything went to hell!  I lost a part of me when my son died and my husband chose drugs and cheating over the family we had…

Then, I thought I found true love again, but he was just a lie.  He pretended for almost 3 years to be the perfect guy.  How does someone do that for so long?  His real self came out and I spent years with a liar, thief and just a plain crappy person, because I married him.  He was too young and he left while I was fighting for my life.  I often wish I had died then!  

For 2 years now I have been alone, though I prefer being just me over being with a shitty man.  I feel lonely often, not lonely for a man in my life, but just a friend.  It seems everyone here is either an alcoholic or on drugs.  With my chronic pain, panic, anxiety and agoraphobia I have become a hermit in my home.  No vehicle or money, so I am stuck here anyway…

How did I get here?  I did everything right!  I chose shitty be in my life.  I know going to live with my parents is best for me, but at the same time I feel like I am loosing so much.  I will be able to eat right there and I will actually get to go out and do things.  I have to find a doctor willing to take me on and all my problems and not change my meds!  

I just don’t know why I am even here.  I spend every moment in pain and misery.  Why the heck didn’t I die two years ago?  There has to be a reason!  No one deserves to live on this much pain and misery and be alone…