Filling Your Karma Account with Positive Credits…

We all have Karma.  What we put out, is what we get back.  So, each positive thought or affirmation is like a positive credit in your Karma account.  The goal being to have more positive than negative.  Like a buffer for any negative thing that occurs.

For example, let’s say you start each day with positive affirmations.  Those affirmations are each a credit in your account.  So, we say 5 positive affirmations and we deposit five positive credits.  Through out the day when a negative thought comes in your mind, then that takes away a positive credit, but if you immediately change that negative thought into a positive one and say it out loud, you can stop the withdrawal of a positive credit.  It balances out.  If you have a bad day and cannot help the negative thoughts, you could easily go into the negative in your karma account, so you want to build up as many positive credits as possible on the days you are feeling good.  Each thought and each action that is positive, is a positive credit.  When we help others or do good/nice things for them, we feel better and we deposit much more positive credits.  The more we do this, the better we feel!

Try to make each day start with positive credits into you karma account.  Affirmations and good intentions followed up with doing nice things for others.  Make an achievable goal that you can make each day, like 10 credits per day and work towards that goal every single day.  Remember, everyone has bad days, so do not get yourself down when this happens to you.    

Being still, silent and just relaxing is a daily practice we all need to have.  Our intuition and gut tells us so many things.  Yet, you must be quiet in order to hear it.  Nothing is more important than your happiness and well being.  Make the time, if even just a few minutes a day, to give yourself that silence and connection to your own spirit………….


Loving Yourself…

One thing is for sure, you have to love yourself before you can ever really love someone else.  When you take the time to find yourself and develop love for yourself, then you know if you do end up in a relationship, that it is out of love and not loneliness!

That old saying is very true, take a year to find yourself after a break up.  I can tell you first hand that relationships begun without finding and loving yourself, never last!  I spent most of my life going from one relationship right to the next.  I often felt like I just could not be alone.  I have been married three times and they were all back to back.  5 years, 16 years and then 8 years.  It began at age 16 and ended at age 45.  This time, I made myself stop and find myself and I realized that I actually really enjoy my own company.  I prefer not having to deal with someone else or their bull, lol!  I love having the bed all to myself and the bathroom completely for me.  I have been just me for over a year now and it is a wonderful place to be!  This does not happen over night though.

First, you have to grieve the loss of the relationship and go through the healing process to get past the pain.  Instead of looking for someone else to fill the void, which No One can make you Happy except You, take time to really find yourself.  Who are you?  Do you even know who you are anymore?  What do you like about yourself?  Is there anything you want to change?  Now is the time to make those changes!  You can be or do anything you put your mind too.  What morals do you have?  What morals would you like to have?  Take the time to care for yourself.  Exfoliate your skin, moisturizer, do your nails, etc.  When we care for ourselves, we feel better about ourselves.  Even the simple act of applying make-up can boost my mood.  What do you find joy in doing?  What is fun for you?  I love doing all kinds of crafts.  If I see something I want, I can usually find a way to make it myself.  In doing this, I also feel accomplished.  That is a wonderful feeling.

Finding out who you really are now, pampering yourself and taking the time to work on positive thinking are all extremely important.  We did not become negative thinkers over night, so this will take practice to change.  How do you do that?  You start out small, by noticing your thoughts and when you have a negative thought you acknowledge that thought, but then replace it with a positive thought.  For instance, you find yourself thinking about the things your ex had done to hurt you.  Stop right then and remind yourself that you are a beautiful and loving being.  The things that happened hurt, but they are also learning experiences.  We can NOT control anyone other than ourselves.  Say out loud something positive, an affirmation!  “I AM Lovable” “I AM all I truly need”. It helps to have a list of positive affirmations to look at when you have negative thoughts.  With practice, you can and will change the negative into the positive.  No matter how spiritually advanced you become, you will have bad days, everyone does.  All you can do is try your best to get through that day or moment of negativity.  Distracting the mind helps a great deal when you find yourself in a bad mood or having a bad day.  This is where knowing what you enjoy to do comes into play.  For me, I clean or work on a craft.  Sometimes my chronic pain is so bad, that all I can do is lay in bed and distract my mind by watching a movie.  So do NOT get yourself down when you have a bad day, it happens to everyone.  

Love yourself and care for yourself like you would a best friend.  Become your own best friend.  You can only truly rely upon and depend on yourself.  We cannot make others do what we want or be true to their word, but we can for ourselves!  Positive self talk!  What would you say to your best friend if he/she felt as you do?  Say that to yourself!  Go places you have always wanted to go.  Eat at restaurants you have wanted to try.  You do not need someone with you to enjoy these things!  All you need is YOU!  Over time, this will get easier and you will find how much you actually do love yourself and enjoy being with just yourself.  For me, after a year, I can honestly say that I prefer to be with just ME!  Now, if someone right were to come along, I would know that if I chose to be with them, it would be out of love and not a need to be with someone and that is a relationship that can last. I am not looking though, because I am very content with just being me………….


Being in the Here & Now…

One thing we must learn is how to be in the present moment.  This takes practice!  For a while, the mind will keep bringing up thoughts of the past or even the future.  The past is over and cannot be changed.  The future has not happened.  

Each day, take what ever time you possibly can to practice being mindful.  In the present moment.  Start by doing three deep and slow cleansing breaths.  Relax your body!  Then, just pay attention to what is going on right now!  Involving your five senses.  What do you hear?  What do you see?  What do you smell?  What do you taste?  What do you feel?  

Every time a thought of past or future pops into your mind, acknowledge that thought, then tell yourself that is the past or has not happened yet and return to being in the present moment.  At first, your mind will bring up thoughts a lot!  Be persistent, you can over come those thoughts.  After all, your are the one in control of yourself.  

You can do ANYTHING you put your mind to and with practice.  We are beautiful creatures of the light/love.  After I almost died and had to have a very large surgery to save my life, I had no balance or muscle left in my body.  I took it one day at a time and I would spend a few minutes just trying to stand on one foot.  At first, I had to hold on to a chair, but after a while I was able to let go of the chair and finally, I could stand on one foot for a long time.  This is true for anything you want to obtain.  Start small and give it your best each and every day!  There is nothing you cannot do!

Here is an exercise for when you feel down, that I have found to be helpful.  Look in the mirror, smile at yourself!  Smiling actually releases chemicals in the brain that help us feel better and looking at yourself as you force a smile on your face is pretty funny!  The next thing you know, you are smiling without even trying to smile.  

Starting your day on a positive loving note is the best way to begin.  Be sure you get enough sleep!  Take in at least three deep and slow breaths to cleanse your body.  Think of things you are grateful for and say them out loud!  Still feeling down?  Go to the mirror and smile at yourself!  Exercise is also a great way to release feel good chemicals in the body.  If you have never exercised before, then just do some slow stretches or even basic yoga poses.  Taking a walk is one of the best ways to get exercise into your life.  I think walking is the number one form of exercise.  Try to take in those three deep slow breaths several times a day.  Be sure to practice being in the present moment!  You will not be disappointedly!  It is amazing what happens after you practice this on a daily basis and you get past the thoughts from popping up in your mind.  Nature is an amazing and beautiful place…………


Finding our Light/Love…

We all come here with the same purpose, to find our light within and help it grow.  Our light is our soul.  Light is Love and all thing positive are of Love.  Everything else is not of love and therefore negative.  Each and everyone of us is of the light.  We are born to this world that is full of all kinds of negativity.  We only learn from negative things.  So, life is filled with trials, tribulations and learning.  Children are very connected to the light.  The younger they are, the more they are connected.  Society plays a huge roll in masking their light.  We basically come here with amnesia of who we are and where we come from, with the common goal of remembering.  Children do not have the stress of bills and making ends meet and they are free to go with the flow of their light.

Every single thing we do is a choice.  When we wake up, what clothes we wear, what we eat, where we go, how we react to things, etc.   We either choose from the light/love or from the negative/not love.  

Nothing in this life can make you happy, only you have that ability.  No object or person can make this happen.  An object or person may feel like happiness temporarily, but that happiness is fleating and does not last.  We are the only ones with the power to create happiness for ourselves.  We only have control over ourselves.  We control the choices we make and cannot control what someone else chooses to do.  This is why so many rich people are not happy, because you cannot buy happiness.  You cannot buy anything that is of the light and love!  Money can make life easier, with less stress of paying bills and obtaining the basic needs of life.  We truly only do need food, clothing and shelter.

So, you focus on your very own light/love.  You grow your light until it fills you completely and then you can help others find and grow there own light.  This is why it feels so good to help someone else, because that comes from love and only love can lift us up!  

How does one do this?  Know that life here on earth is not real.  The only thing that is real is love/light.  You take time every single day, if even just ten minutes, and you breathe slowly, deeply and relax your physical body.  The more you do this, the easier it becomes to relax.  Guided meditations are very good for beginners.  They walk you through the steps of breathing and relaxing your body.  There are many out there, just find the one that seems to click for you.  

Being in the present moment… This is very important.  Even if you only find the time to do this during a meal or during a break, do it!  You focus only on what is going on right now!  Notice your breath, what do you hear?  What do you smell?  What do you taste?  What does something feel like?  Using your five senses you explore the here and now.  Not the past or the future, just what is going on right now.  When you have thoughts enter your mind of the past or the future, anything that is not right now, acknowledge them and return to the present moment!  This will happen, often, at first.  You are teaching yourself how to be in this very moment without worries or concerns of what has happened or what might happen.  Because reality is ONLY what is going on right NOW!  

The key is to train your body to relax and focus on the here and now only.  Once you do this, you can begin to find out who your really are.  Not what someone else wants you to be.  What is fun for you?  For me, I actually enjoy cleaning and doing crafts.  Learn about yourself as you would a new friend.  You are your own best friend and you are never alone!  Build a loving relationship with yourself!  This is how you find happiness.  It has always been within you!  Trust, honor and cherish yourself, as you would do with a best friend.  Choose always from your light/LOVE and you create a beautiful future for yourself and anyone around you………….

I spent 24+ hours in Silence…

For the entire day Friday, I spent it in complete silence without any electronics.  I don’t use electronics much anyway, so that was not hard.  I was practicing being in the present moment.  I had many times I had to  acknowledge thoughts and release them, but I also had times were I was just completely still and silent even in my thoughts.  

I did find that my pain gets so great that I need to distract my mind.  I spent years finding ways to keep my mind busy and away from the pain.  What I did was, draw and write in a journal.  I had a few hours of pain so great I did not think I would make it.  So, have constructive ways to distract your mind is important when you suffer from chronic pain.

I like the silence and I like going with the flow, without time!  I chose a rock out of my yard, a decent size and weight, I carry this with me at all times and when I think a negative thought I push it into the Rock.  This is a beneficial practice.  It took me a couple of years to learn to live without time as much as possible.  My anxiety and panic would always get out of control when I had appointments, etc.  what I did was, schedule the appointment in my tablet and on Sunday every week I check for any appointments.  I set an alarm for when I need to be up and ready for the appointment.  This has reduced my anxiety down to a 24 hour period instead of days on end.  I try very hard to only have one appointment a week, as I know I will become agitated and need to recover.  I rarely drive, unless it is some place very close to home, like the grocery store and my general Doctor.  These are coping techniques I put in place to get through life on a more tolerable level.  Even if I am going to go on a date, I have a great deal of anxiety and tension.  This has lead me to choose not to even bother with dating or looking for a partner.  I need to completely focus on me and learn to love me completely.  I never thought I would see the day that I did not feel I needed a man in my life.  I have reached that place and I like it very much.  No other person can make you happy, only you have that power over yourself.

We all have to find what works for ourselves.  What helps us get through each day of our lives.  Back in 1995, when the panic attacks began out of nowhere, I was in great disbelief for months.  When I finally accepted what was happening was Panic, I began to read everything I could find on the disorder.   I decided that meditation was the route to take.  I found a few guided meditations that I could listen to and I began a journey on learning to meditate.  Meditation is extremely helpful with panic and anxiety disorders.  The Panic came like clock work every two years and lasted for 6 months.  I would also become agoraphobic during this time!  I could not leave my home, so I would begin meditation daily once again.  After 6 months, it would stop as quickly as it began, but while it was occurring I felt very ill 24/7!  Much like having the flu that never went away.  The panic episodes hit me every two years, 1995, 1997, 1999, 2001… In 2001, I asked to be put on Paxil as it was the one medication that was supposed to help panic.  It did help, but I still had 6 months of panic, feeling ill and agoraphobia.  It was like taking the edge off of it all.  Then in 2003, my son died in a car accident.  I was so depressed, I did not get out of the bed for months.  I immediately put myself in counseling weekly and group therapy weekly.  I was put on several different medications until I found what worked decent enough.  Xanax, Effexor and Trazadone.  I was far from cured, but I was able to get myself to my appointments (which were only a mile away) and I began seeking what things I could do to help myself get through the nightmare of my life.  Little did I know, the nightmare had just begun!

2006 my husband cheated, got on drugs and left.  I lost my dream home and had to move back to GA where I still had a small house.  Here in GA, they refused to give me the Xanax , so I have been on Ativan which is not quick acting.  I remarried, it was great for two years, then his true self came out, a liar & thief!  He left and came back after 6 weeks in 2009.  I was beat by a gang going after my neighbor in 2010. Then the chronic pain began and never left!  I was in a wheelchair, could not walk.  Finally found a doctor that helped enough to get me walking again.  Last year I had a cancer scare, a hysterectomy, became deathly ill and had to have a huge surgery to save my life and my husband cheated and left me.  So here I am, trying to survive on $810 a month disability with a mortgage and I do not have enough funds to cover the electric bill.  No place here can help me, I really miss southern IL!  But I am grateful for my home and my pets and if I have to I will live without electricity………….
My Rock!   
And ME…

Fighting the Darkness of Depression…

I have had a bad week, as I often do.  I can’t seem to get away from the darkness of my depression and the thoughts of ending my torment once and for all.  What actually stopped me, my son.  I thought of him finding me and the pain he would go through.  I can honestly say that it is only my son that keeps me on this earth now.  I just can’t leave him like that.  He is 23 and chances are good that he will die way before I do.  You see, he is insulin dependent diabetic and doesn’t take care of his diabetes as he should.  It takes about 15 years to kill an organ with high blood glucose.  He suddenly became diabetic at age nine when a virus attacked and killed his pancreas.  The least I could do is hold on and be here for him for the rest of his life.  He is unable to hold down a job, because his diabetes is extremely resistant to insulin and is often off the charts or so low he can barely function.

I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts my ENTIRE life!  As if dealing with that and chronic pain was not  enough, I now find myself struggling and stressed out, no end, on how to pay the electric bill every month.  My old van has not been running well and the battery has finally died.  How does one get things they need just to survive, when one has no money?  It is all way too much for me to deal with.  At my age, I should not be in this position, but I married three worthless men, that I spent years building their credit and their self esteem, just for them to cheat on me and leave…

I have finally come to the point in my life where I am happy to be just me, without a man!  Yet, I cannot enjoy this!  I have to worry and stress and try to find things to sell, just to survive.  We get two actual full meals a week, because we can only get the food we can purchase with the Foodstamps we are allowed.  $300 a month for the two of us and the cost of food is insane.  I try to get fruit and vegetables, anything I possibly can that is good for us.  We eat a lot of rice!  I wasn’t raised to be like this or in this position, which makes it all the more degrading!  I am disabled and cannot work, for so many reasons it is nuts.  I rarely am able to drive myself anywhere.  I have to live on $810 a month.  My mortgage is $500 each month.  The gas runs around $60 right now and the water is about $75-$80.  The electric bill, this last month, was $305!  The insurance, I am required to have on my old ass van, is $78 per month.  How am I supposed to make it?   Ugh….. I don’t know what to do anymore.  I have called everywhere for any help I can find.  Where I live, there is not help available.  I do know that I cannot keep going like this.  I have begged my family and everyone I know, but no one can help.

So, the last week I have been extremely down in the darkness of depression.  I allowed myself to rest and not push myself to do anything.  Normally, this helps me get past it, but I am still here and it is very dark!  I have reached out to a few friends, just to talk, but I have been ignored or told that what I feel is wrong.  I know that if I did end my life, those people would feel sad and say that they wished they could of helped me.  I just need someone to listen to me and maybe offer up some words of encouragement.  Yet, I cannot find it, anywhere!  God bless my mother and one sister.  They have tried as best they can to be here for me.  They are the only two that even put forth an ounce of effort for me.   My birthday is Saturday, I will be 46 years old at 1:21 am EST.  I have heard people say, after someone committed suicide, that they wished that person would of reached out to them, maybe they could of helped.  I am willing to bet they did reach out and they found that they were really all alone, as I have found.  I have been told things like, “You are too pretty to feel that way.”  Really?!?  Or, “Comeon now, you can’t do that to the people that love you!”  

A year ago I was dying and had to have a huge surgery to save my life, because a doctor screwed up horribly!  My sister talked me into suing, but I can’t even get an attorney to call me back.  It is like everything and everyone just ignores me and I don’t even exist.  Honestly, the money would help me survive the remaining years I have and I went through a nightmare that never should of happened.  What do I have to do in order to be seen or heard?  What will people say at my funeral?  Will they say I didn’t reach out to them?  Will they say that they wished they could of helped me?  I beg God on a daily basis, just to help me survive with the basic necessities.  Food, clothing and shelter.  Just to be able to comfortably pay the required bills, eat and get where I need to go.  On top of all of this, my psychiatrist in which it took me a year to finally get in with, decided to just drop me because my insurance wasn’t paying fast enough.  I have glaucoma and have had it since age 29, that doctor decided they were not taking my secondary insurance anymore and would see me if I could pay 20%.  How does one do that when they cant even buy food or cover their electric bill?  So, I am not on the drops I need and my vision is all messed up because of it!  What do I have to do just to survive?  Oh and then there is the bill collectors.  So much fun with the phone ringing daily and the Bs involving all of that too.   I know I don’t deserve this crap.  How did I get here?  How do I get out of here?………….


I keep forgetting that TIME causes stress.  Living life as much as possible without time, reduces stress for me.  When you feel tired, it doesn’t matter what time it is, go to bed.  It took me years to figure out how to live without time unless I had appointments and sometimes, like now, I forget that time doesn’t matter.  

I have been feeling very tired lately and some days I have gone to bed early, like at 5pm.  It is what it is.  I have days where I feel ill, like when you get the flu and the only thing I can do is go to bed and sleep.  At least I am able to sleep, I am very thankful for that!  I don’t know why this happens to me.  Ever since I almost died last year and had two major surgeries, the last one to save my life, I get ill feeling and very tired often.  When I have a decent day, I try to get some things done around the house.  I never know how many days I will be down.  Living with chronic pain is no fun at all.  If that wasn’t bad enough, add the exhaust and ill feeling crap on top of it now.  I tell the doctors, they never seem to care.  The only thing I can do is go with the flow.

As I sit here, the pain in my let hip is extremely bad.  Feels like I am being repeatedly stabbed in it.  The only thing I can do is lay down off that side and be still, that is the least amount of pain for me.  I often feel like I waste day after day.  Sometimes I say to myself, “I am NOT living at all!”  Now I also deal with pain in the giant incision they had to make in my abdomen to save my life.  It feels like a pinching cramping like sensation.  Wonderful!

Stress makes it all so much worse too.  Worried to death on how to pay my electric bill.  Not able to do anything to even try to make money.  Nothing left to eat in the house but rice.  I try not to dwell on it, since that brings the depression out even more.  I try just to survive and hope that one day things will actually be better.  I have found myself full of all kinds of emotions, but unable to identify them.  Guys that are interested in me ask me out and I have NO desire to even deal with them at all!  I don’t know what has happened to me.  It is like the almost dying, the horrendous pain of the surgery that saved me and then my husband abandoning me has all changed me to something I don’t even like.  I have NO trust left in me.  I can’t seem to stir up any emotion at all in regards to a love.  I feel so much, yet nothing at all.  I want to stop struggling just to survive.  Nothing seems to function right in my body anymore.  I have woke three times over the last two months wetting the bed, when I never wet the bed since I was potty trained.  I have stabbing pain in my very low abdomen which the doctor says is scar tissue.  Who knows for sure anymore.  I am frustrated and tired of everything………….