After My Vacation…

The three weeks I spent in the perfect Peace at my parents house was very nice.  I did not once have a horrible splitting headache and my pain levels where much better for the most part.  I know, for a fact, that stress contributes a lot towards the level of my pain.  I felt care free and I had zero stress while I was there, except for when my son informed me of the things my daughter was doing.  I also, meditated every single day.  I did not worry about how I was going to obtain things I needed or if my kids were going to take care of something.  I also went to the gym with my mom once a week while I was there.  I saw how much going to the gym helped me physically and mentally.  Even though I could not do a whole lot, it still benefited me in many ways.

I was home for three days before the stress and worry had its grips on me again.  Last night I had one of the worst headaches I have ever had in my life.  It ruined my time out with a great person.  I have NO life here.  My life is this…. Get up, wait to feel good enough to function, do my chores, watch my grandson and go to bed.  Just trying to fit in dating seems near impossible, because I have to watch my grandson while my daughter works and she has to use my vehicle.  She thinks the entire world revolves around her.  I told her I do not have a life and she said, “Yes you do!”  I raised my kids, this is supposed to be my time, to actually have a life I want, not dng for everyone else.  I woke in a great mood the last two days and my daughter single handedly ruined them.  When she wakes up, she starts yelling and cussing.  Sounds horrible.  The stress instantly rips through my entire being.  She says crap that is just not right!  I also have not had the time to meditate.  I have to change this!

I joined the gym near here.  I MUST make sure I get to the gym and meditate.  The gym offers massage and tanning so I can sneak in meditation there too.  The only draw back is that my ex goes to that gym, so I am hoping I go when he doesn’t.  I don’t care if he is there, but he has to have a fit about stupid things.  My plan is to go three times a week.  Work out, do the massage and then lay in the tanning bed.  I want my entire body tan and it is just not safe to lay out here naked…lol!

I have met a couple of Guys and went on a few dates.  One of them I do like and will see more of.  It is funny how when Spring hits there are a lot of guys interested.  I just want a decent boyfriend to do things with and know I have another half.  I do not want him to live with me!  I really wish my friend from high school lived here, he is perfect for me!  I guess I need to just focus on me… Meaning, I need to go to the gym and meditate and not worry about having a boyfriend or anything else.  I really don’t have the time for it.

I need to build my own life.  I also need to delegate chores to the others in this house.  It is time for spring cleaning.  I should not be the only one doing everything!  I know when I was away from here, I felt at peace.  Now I spend too much time wanting to leave and find my peace again………….  


Day 7 away from the Stress…

I have fully enjoyed the complete peace and quiet here.  No reason to tense up and be on edge.  My son, however, informed me yesterday that my daughter has been making some very bad choices.  I am not sure why, when I am away from home, she does this.  So, I was pretty tense and stressed out yesterday when I found out she had grabbed my grandson and choked him.  Luckily, my son intervened and stopped it.  I am most likely going to have to have her removed again.  If she would just stop doing what ever drug she can get her hands on, I am sure she would improve greatly!  Enough of that, I am away from home so I don’t have to deal with those things…

I spent an hour doing a deep meditation yesterday.  I always want to stay in there, my entire body so relaxed and it is very peaceful.  I need to get back on track of doing a deep meditation every day.  You connect with your inner self that way.  It helps in many ways, even with your physical health.

My biggest problem when it comes to men is, expectations.  I seem to always expect them to be or do things as I would, which leaves me very disappointed.  I have been focusing on this part of me and reminding myself that no one is just like me and I cannot make someone do things just because I think they should.  Let me tell you, this is a very hard thing to over come.  Though, it is the one thing that always puts me in a sad place, so loose the expectations and I will not become greatly disappointed.

I have also found it very rare to find someone I am even slightly attracted to.  I have found a couple and they have all turned out to be liars…lol!  Recently, I found another one and I asked all the important questions, in which he responded very well too.  So, I chose to give this a go.  For me, I will only be with one man at a time.  I put all I have into it and focus only on him.  We have a lot in common, so what is the draw back?  He is a truck driver, so I will see him once a month maybe.  Now, this can be a good thing if I can stop with the expectations.  I keep busy and I have said before how great it would be to just see my guy on the weekends or every other weekend.  With him I will only see him a couple of days a month or so.  He keeps saying how it really is hard on relationships and how he has not ever found someone who can handle it.  It is all in how you perceive things and react to them.  Keeping it all positive will be key and enjoying the time we do have together.  We text every day, so that is good.  I am even willing to go on a run with him in order to spend more time together. So, I will see where this goes.  He has one son and he is 16 years old.  I want to find the one who will be my best friend and who I can enjoy my senior years with!

Back to working on myself…  

1.  Notice and catch all negative thoughts.  Do NOt say them out loud and change them to a positive thought.

2.  Say Positive Affirmations every day!

3.  Take the time to meditate, even if it is just a 20 minute deep breathing session!

4.  Do something every day to pamper yourself!

5.  Put forth effort to look at people, be in the moment and smile!

Day 3 in Florida – My Get Away…

I arrived at my parents in Florida on Sunday.  I always find peace and quiet here and work on myself.  I spent an hour at the pool yesterday and today an hour at the gym.  I lost most of my muscle during the two surgeries and the 14 weeks I was laid up after.  I couldn’t do a whole lot, but I managed 25 minutes on a bike and two rounds of upper and lower body machines.  I did feel pretty good afterward and I still have some decent energy four hours later.  I wish I could attend a gym by my home twice a week, but I will just have to find a way to push myself to do things at home!  I hope to have a bit of a tan when I return home.  The weather here has been beautiful, though today is pretty hot with it right around 87 degrees.

Tomorrow, Thursday, will be a day I am here alone while my parents golf.  I have to do laundry and I want to sit in the sun if I can handle it for a bit.  I also need to do a long meditation.  Working on myself is one of the biggest things I do when I come down here.  I know I get disappointed all the time, because I always have expectations of people.  That is one thing I want to work on while I am here.  No expectation = no disappointments!  It is hard not to expect others to act or do the things I know I would do or the things that I do.  Everyone is different though and assuming they have the same thoughts or even the same heart is wrong.  Plus it is so very bad for me.

I read an article today on SPRING CLEAN YOUR ENERGY FIELD…

Call an old friend that you haven’t seen for a long time and see how they are. You don’t need to speak for long, but your words and voice have a resonance that if used wisely, can heal.

Find a body of water, a stream, a pond, a lake and sit by the water. Wash your crown chakra in the water. Remember water takes the lowest spot in the teachings of the Tao and it has a strong connection to Sulis Minerva who is one of the Beings that is with us.

Take a stroll in the forest. Touch the bark of the trees, feel the moss, lean up against a tree and close your eyes, listen to the birds singing and the sounds and breath of the forest. She calms us.

Spend time with children and give them your full attention. Their sweetness, love of small things and laughter can lighten your spirits and teach you (And when they are a bit naughty, it helps you to look at patience, love and lack of ego.

Furry Friends
Love your pets, really love them, cuddle them, look at them, care for them, take them for a walk if they need it. They have unconditional love to give. They often help us in ways we don’t always understand.

Do something physical, dance, walk, cycle, do kung fu or tai chi perhaps. Use your body, it needs to move. You can simply touch your toes, swing your arms round like a windmill and do some stretches, but make an effort…

Carry a Tune
Laugh and sing (your singing might make others laugh, but do it anyway!)

Loved Ones
Spend time with friends and family. Go for a meal, enjoy their company, the food and the wine.

Try Something New
Be creative. Learn to knit, make soap, learn French or Spanish on skype, buy some cheap water colors and paint a picture, it’s very therapeutic.

Be Kind. Smile at the young man at the cash register, say hello to the lady walking her baby, wave back at the children who wave to you from their car. Help when you can.

Remember to meditate daily, it links you to the light even if you can’t see it, and teach your kids to meditate, it will help them in life.

Diet Changes
Give up meat or eat less of it, it’s deadly for your health and karma.

Ready to Fly Away…

I have been seriously struggling with some major depression lately. I have spent the last few days crying for mostly Unknown reasons. I feel like there is something missing from my life and I also feel like I do not mean much at all to my damn adult kids, except for what I can do for them!

To start off, the court date for divorce is postponed. I found out I was supposed to file an “answer” and a “Poverty Packet” so I don’t have to pay the court reporter fees. My EX was pissed when the judge asked me if I will be going for alimony and I said Yes. I turn in the poverty packet tomorrow and I have to wait for that to be approved, then I can file my answer, which is where I list what I want. I know I will be awarded the alimony, I just pray they give me a garnishment of wages so I actually get the alimony. I am guessing the court date will most likely be in May or June for all of that.

Then…. My EX has announced that he is in a relationship, as of Valentines Day, to the girl he has been with this entire time. I don’t miss my ex or want him back, but I do have very hurt emotions about how I was promised to be loved and taken care of and how he swore he would never leave. Just so tired of that shit happening. I do know my emotions and hurt feelings are part of my depression and tears, but I am not sure what all the rest of it is.

And… I had a good Valentines Day. My adult kids got me candy and an edible arrangement. My BF got me a stuffed dog, card and heart full of chocolates. He was over for the weekend, after I had not seen him for three full weeks. He is great when he is here with attention and being loving. I miss the attention when he is not here, but we don’t seem to really talk about much ever. When we are apart he will text a couple of times through the day just to ask me what I am doing or to say he loves me. I like that, but also feel like it is barely anything at all for an entire day. I tend to feel like I am not very important to him.

Further more……. I have decided I am going to my parents house the end of this month for a couple of weeks. For one, I need to be able to relax and rest in order to heal. I have lumps throughout my neck that are swelled. Had a CT and was sent quickly to an ear, nose and throat doctor. He said he did not feel it was cancer, but I had to be checked again in 6 weeks with another CT and see him. I am on antibiotics until then as well. It’s been ten days so far on this round of antibiotics and no change has occurred. This worries me, because if they all don’t go back down to normal I will have to have several biopsies done in April. While at this doctors office he sprayed some stuff up my nose that smelled like grapes. After several minutes my nose became numb and he put a camera up my nose and into my throat and looked at everything. He said we have another tonsil which is not round but long and bumpy and it is locate between the nose and throat. Mine is very inflamed and looks bad. This is also where the pain is coming from too. Hmmm… So much for having a loving husband to be by my side and supportive for me. Much like the two major surgeries I had in the summer and had to be all by myself! For two years now I have lost weight for no reason, I also lost the feeling in both of my feet. I knew something was wrong then and I still know it today. I keep thinking how the only thing that causes weight loss like that is cancer. No, I don’t want that. I feel I have suffered a great deal already in this life and there is no way I deserve more suffering. I do the right thing. I care about others. I have no clue why I deserve what has already happened to me.

Now here we are… The deep, dark depression… I can see I am angry, feel alone and not important to others. I know I have plenty of reasons to feel down. But, being exhausted all the time and feeling sick constantly is really becoming a problem. I can barely get the kitchen cleaned up daily and I haven’t been able to vacuum every day, let alone anything else that needs to be done. No one here will do a damn thing either. My daughter pays for my cell phone, because I watch her son and then tonight she tells me I will have to go without the cell phone for a few days because she can’t pay it on time. This is the kind of crap they do to me. Then I guess I won’t be babysitting for a few days? She knows I won’t do that to my grandson though. I have had enough of struggling to get by on my disability and paying the mortgage here, then I am left with nothing to even by basic needs with. I could take care of myself if I just moved in with my parents. But no, I stay here because my adult kids and grandson have no where else to go. Ugh…… One day I will choose me over anyone else!

Hopefully, going to my parents will do what it usually does. I will be able to rest and heal. I will be able to explore my own mind and find out what all is bothering me very much. Here at home, I am never left alone long enough to think. Normally I would be sleeping right now, but I am stressed out feeling and can’t sleep, so I got back up out of bed and chose to write it here. I will once again do a daily journal of what I find and what I do while at my parents. My BF says it will suck about me being gone, yet I feel like it really doesn’t matter much since I went three weeks without seeing him until I drove the hour to go get him and he barely texts with a very rare phone call. This is for me! I can sit in the sun daily, maybe even have a tan when I come back home, nice! I always feel so much better after a trip there, which I have always said I would be doing twice a year from now on! The weather will be 60’s, 70’s and 80’s while I am there, perfect! Maybe my mom will buy me a bathing, suit since I don’t have one and some jeans too. I don’t have any that fit me. I just need this extra hanging skin to go away and take all the stretch marks with it………….

“Me with a fake smile”

Tomorrow is court for my Divorce…

I have had horrible issues with nausea the past several days. I am assuming it is due to the fact I have to go to court in the morning to finalize my divorce. Not thrilled about having to see my ex and I am worried about if I will be awarded alimony or not. I need it to be able to survive. Life has been a constant struggle. I am so tired of men promising me everything then just leaving in the end. Married three times, you would think I would of gave up before now. But no, I always see the best in people and trust in them.

I have to print out all the bills to prove that I can not afford to pay the court reporter fees too. I just want it to be over and done with so my body can relax. Having panic and anxiety has made this all so very unbearable. I have to take medication just so I can go to court and that makes it hard for me to think clearly. So, I have to have everything prepared clearly and hope the judge does not need me to verbally tell her things. I have to have someone drive me, because my panic won’t allow me to drive myself.

I am still pushing onward with positive thoughts and practicing self love. I have had a lot of bumps in the road this last week due to the stress and anxiety, but I won’t give up. Everything happens for a reason, I firmly believe that!

Every single day of my life goes like this…
I wake up, sit up and take my meds, check my email and Facebook and read articles. After about 1 1/2- 2 hours I feel like I can get dressed and do so. If I am watching my grandson, I make sure to wake up two hours before I have to watch him. Then, I come out of my room and I clean the kitchen and vacuum the house, which takes two hours, because I have to take several breaks. Every single day I do this. Then if I feel able, I try to clean something else or do laundry, etc. Usually, around 4pm I start to feel hungry and I look for something to eat. Most of the time it will be vegetarian vegetable soup or a half of a peanut butter sandwich. On occasion, we have something to cook for dinner, which is usually once or twice a week. Around this same time I start to feel very down and out. I get extremely tired and could just go to sleep. I take a nap if I am not watching my grandson. Otherwise, I force myself to stay awake. Not one day goes by that I do not deal with anxiety, panic, depression, pain and stress. I feel crappy until I go to bed, which was 8pm last night. Then I repeat this every day of my life.

I know keeping my mind busy is key in keeping the panic attacks and deep depression at bay, but some days I feel so horrible or I hurt so much I am unable to do the things that occupy my mind. I always, repeat positive affirmations and self love statements. However, some days, like today, I just feel so darn tired of repeating the same thing over and over. When will things be better? When will I not have to struggle to survive? When will I finally have a day that I am not in horrible pain? When will I have a day where the deep darkness doesn’t engulf me? When will I find a true and real Loving Man? But…… I have to push on and I have act like everything is ok. In the giant hope, that one day it will be. I believe what we put out comes back to us. So saying all those negative things is not good at all. Now I say positive things, hoping, that it will correct the negative I just sent out.

I AM Grateful for my family, home, animals, clothes, food….
I AM a Beautiful Human Being…
I AM happy and full of life…
I AM a Strong and Resilient Person…
I AM Loveable…

The sun is shinning today and it is very pretty outside. We will be in the 70’s today. I will enjoy the afternoon in the sun and get some vitamin D. I will take my grandson down to the neighbors and visit for a bit today. But first, I must complete my chores and take a shower………….

Me, looking happy!!!

It Seems Like I Keep Getting Sick…

A week ago, I noticed a swollen area in my neck on the right side. I do not have my tonsils and I have not had even a sore throat really ever since they were removed. This lump got bigger and more painful every day and then another lump on the other side of my neck came up. On Monday, the lump was big enough to see just by looking at my neck, so I went to the doctor. He said he felt it was the Eustachian tubes and not lymph nodes since it is a long thin lump. He put me on high doses of amoxicillin, 1,000 mg twice a day and gave me a steroid shot in my butt. After three days I was still dealing with very large painful lumps. It feels like I have a sore throat but it is really coming from deep in my ear where it meets the throat. I put in another call to the doctor yesterday but I have not heard anything yet. I was unable to even stay awake yesterday. I very much need some relief from this and I want to know what the heck is going on. I guess I will go into the ER if I don’t get anywhere today and it keeps causing me so much distress.

On the boyfriend front… I jumped the gun and let him move in here with me and he was a completely different person. The five days he had stayed with me before where amazing, but when he had living here status he was a jack ass. What is up with men anyway. I feel thinks I never felt in my life for this guy, I had thought it must be true love, now I am left wondering what it really is. I ended up having him move back out after one week. My brain says he is not good for me and my heart/body wants him. He doesn’t put forth the effort to make me a priority though. I am going with the flow and seeing what happens. My best friend says she has a bad feeling about him and I need to stay away from him.

An old friend from high school has been talking to me and we have been catching up on things over the years. That’s been real nice. Heck, he has been more attentive towards me than anyone!

My daughter was arrested five days after beating me and spent a night in jail. They waited five days to arrest her for beating me in the head, weird! The judge put her on a year of probation where she has to check in monthly and pay on fines and she is to have no violent contact with me. The judge also ordered her to do family counseling, but they have not enforced that. So, basically, they get some money out of the deal and I can have her put in jail for a year if she chooses to be violent toward me again. I guess that is a step in the right direction. She just needs to stay off drugs and alcohol!

The boyfriend and me…

Another screwed up weekend…

Let me start by saying I have finally experiences true love. I found a man that brings out the good in me and one who creates feelings I have never experienced before. I don’t want anything from him, I just want to do anything to make him happy and feel good. I never thought I would experience this. It really sucks when we are not together, but I am happy and smile every day because of him.

So, Saturday night, my daughter chose to leave with her son and go to a friends house and get drunk. She called me up drunk flipping out for me to come get her. I had Bennett drive me and my BF to get her, my grandson and my van. It took forever to find that place because getting direction from a drunk is impossible. Once we finally arrived there, we had to hunt for the keys to my van. I noticed her bra and shorts were off of her and in a box she brought over there filled with things for Keith to play with. I checked the shorts and found the keys. We got in the van, Kerry was in the back with my grandson and my BF was next to me. Kerry began to flip out that she could not find her phone and that I needed to turn around and go back and get her phone. I told her, “No! That if it was there I would message her brother to bring it home, since he stayed there for a bit after I left”. She continued to flip out. She slapped me in the face while I was driving. My BF had to stop her from hitting me more. As she continued to flip out, she said horrible things to me and the next thing I knew she had my hair in her hand and pulled it back so far my head was pulled all the way back, while I was driving. Then she continued to punch me over and over in the back of my Head. I ended up having to slam on the breaks while my BF tried to get her off of me and stop her from hitting me anymore. I skid a good 30 feet and then we stopped and smoke billowed out around he van. I had an instant headache from hell. I kept telling her to stop or I was going to call the cops. She refused, so I called the cops and told them to meet me at my house as I was in route there and she was beating me while I was driving. I made it home thanks to my BF and I went in the house to wait for the cops. My daughter had her son out front with her in the freezing cold. She was so drunk she just kept going on and on about stuff to her four year old child. The cops finally arrived, two of them in separate cars. The first one got out and began to talk to me, stating he remembers being called out to my house before (though it had been a long time since). He got my info and story and then went over and talked to my daughter. Now, I was always told if my kids laid a hand on me they would be immediately arrested. I wanted my daughter arrested and detained in the hopes it would get through to her. The damn cops did what they always do, told me I can’t kick her out without an eviction which costs $75. How the hell she did not get arrested is far beyond me. This is the only place I have ever lived where they let anything happen. I told them she was not coming back in my house after she beat me in the head. She ended up going to another friends house for the night. Of course, she said horrible shit to me and kept saying how Keith was her son and she would do what she wanted.

She messaged me the next day, wanting to come home and never once realizing it was all because of her and her need to be screwed up on something. That is how it always ends up. I told her no way was she coming back here. I talked to the cop next door and he told me I had no choice but to allow her to come here because she lived here, until I spent the money and waited the time to have her removed, but I could file for a warrant on her and go to court about her beating me. Needless to say, she ended up coming home. I told her that the use of my vehicle was strictly for work and her son and would not be used for any other purpose. If she touched any alcohol or drugs she would be tossed to the damn curb! She apologized and proceeded to act like nothing happened. Story of my damn life!

Then, this morning she came barging into my room to tell me she had to go to work, but she was called to get Keith from school because he was acting out. I told her oh well, it was her son and her problem. See, she is in love with her manager who is married, but he calls her and flirts with her, etc. all she cares about it going to work and seeing him, not her son. I have slept about three hours a night since Friday night too. I am done doing for her. Who the hell beats their own mother anyway. I’m tired of my hands being tied! i want to just go live in my van and get away from here! The only thing that has kept me going this weekend was my BF. I always put my kids first and they abuse me. All I can say is….. I AM SO DONE! Today is also her birthday and she turned 26 today. I always make her a cake, but I did not do it this year. To hell with this shit. I pay the mortgage here so they all have a roof over their heads, for what? My poor grandson is destine to have a horrible life because of her. Maybe his father should get him, he would surely be better off!

I probably would of taken my own life this weekend if I did not have the love of my life here with me to support me and help me. Things have to change and the only way they will happen is if I just leave and stop paying the mortgage. I have places to go, I just always stayed because of my grandson. Obviously this is a bad environment for him due to his mother. It may hurt him to be away from his mom, but he would surely be better off. I know I will be if that day ever does arrive. All I ever wanted was to have a normal and loving family. Guess that is out of the question………….

My BF and I on Friday at a Monster Truck Show…