Time…

I keep forgetting that TIME causes stress.  Living life as much as possible without time, reduces stress for me.  When you feel tired, it doesn’t matter what time it is, go to bed.  It took me years to figure out how to live without time unless I had appointments and sometimes, like now, I forget that time doesn’t matter.  

I have been feeling very tired lately and some days I have gone to bed early, like at 5pm.  It is what it is.  I have days where I feel ill, like when you get the flu and the only thing I can do is go to bed and sleep.  At least I am able to sleep, I am very thankful for that!  I don’t know why this happens to me.  Ever since I almost died last year and had two major surgeries, the last one to save my life, I get ill feeling and very tired often.  When I have a decent day, I try to get some things done around the house.  I never know how many days I will be down.  Living with chronic pain is no fun at all.  If that wasn’t bad enough, add the exhaust and ill feeling crap on top of it now.  I tell the doctors, they never seem to care.  The only thing I can do is go with the flow.

As I sit here, the pain in my let hip is extremely bad.  Feels like I am being repeatedly stabbed in it.  The only thing I can do is lay down off that side and be still, that is the least amount of pain for me.  I often feel like I waste day after day.  Sometimes I say to myself, “I am NOT living at all!”  Now I also deal with pain in the giant incision they had to make in my abdomen to save my life.  It feels like a pinching cramping like sensation.  Wonderful!

Stress makes it all so much worse too.  Worried to death on how to pay my electric bill.  Not able to do anything to even try to make money.  Nothing left to eat in the house but rice.  I try not to dwell on it, since that brings the depression out even more.  I try just to survive and hope that one day things will actually be better.  I have found myself full of all kinds of emotions, but unable to identify them.  Guys that are interested in me ask me out and I have NO desire to even deal with them at all!  I don’t know what has happened to me.  It is like the almost dying, the horrendous pain of the surgery that saved me and then my husband abandoning me has all changed me to something I don’t even like.  I have NO trust left in me.  I can’t seem to stir up any emotion at all in regards to a love.  I feel so much, yet nothing at all.  I want to stop struggling just to survive.  Nothing seems to function right in my body anymore.  I have woke three times over the last two months wetting the bed, when I never wet the bed since I was potty trained.  I have stabbing pain in my very low abdomen which the doctor says is scar tissue.  Who knows for sure anymore.  I am frustrated and tired of everything………….

Emotions Unidentifiable …

Twice a year I clean out the cabinet where all the memories of my deceased son lives.  A few things I put together in remembrance of him.  It is emotional every time I clean this cabinet out.  It has been over 12 years and I still have so much inside of me.  Numerous doctors have stated that I have not dealt with my son’s death.  I asked them all, Then how do I deal with it?  They offer up things like, except that he is gone.  I have excepted that.  Sort through your emotions, I have done this so many times.  Go through each of the stages of Grief, Ha… I have done that as well.  I have also read tons of books.  How does one get over the death of their child?

I have been full of all kinds of emotions, yet I am not sure what I am actually feeling.  I met a real nice man, but I just don’t want any kind of relationship and for some reason men always want a damn relationship with me.  I want some good friends and then see what happens.  I really need to identify these emotions and work on them.

I have been non stop busy since I returned home from seeing my family in northern Illinois.  I kicked my daughter out almost a month ago, been home about ten days and every day I am cleaning and organizing another area of the house.  To get it back to good shape.  She destroyed so much.  I still have another ten days worth of cleaning to be done.  Since I can only tackle on decent size thing or two small things a day, due to the chronic pain.  It is getting there though.  It is finally peaceful in my home!  I miss my grandson though.  He went to live with his father before I returned from my trip.  He is safe and happy there, but he has been with me since he was born!  So many emotions!

All I can do is try to keep myself busy until it is all done, then get back to going to the gym three times a week.  I have been in a pain flare the last four days as well!  The gym helps me keep loose and build muscles to support the pain areas.  I have not been in two months………….
   
 

My Trip to visit Family after 9 Years…

I left my house on May 21st and I do not return home until June 30th.  I have been here for 4 weeks now.  It has been nice seeing my family after so long.  I have seen a few friends from high school as well and I am amazed at how we pick up right where we left off as if it has not been almost 30 years.  

Unfortunately, one of the guys I knew in high school is not currently the man I thought he was.  Live and learn and move on.  I refuse to allow anyone in my life that does not fit well.  No more will I have someone who has to drink in my life or someone who does drugs.  If they can’t make me a priority, then so long.  I really do prefer the life of friends instead of relationships.  Relationships always end up being a disappointment to me, due to expectations.  I like being care free and free for the most part.  Carefree in my relationships.  Unfortunately, I am unable to be carefree when it comes to my family.  That is about to change!

My daughter has repeatedly gone back to drugs and I had to kick her out again.  This was and is the final time she will ever be allowed back.  She constantly chose drugs over her own child and disrespected me in every way, even though she lived in my home.  I now have to struggle to find a way to pay the two bills that were her responsibility instead of paying me rent, but I will figure it out!  I can finally get my house back in order and live a much more peaceful life when I return home.  The daily screaming and cussing that came out of her mouth as soon as she woke will be no more.  

I have 11 more days here.  I have found myself becoming bored and I definitely made this trip way too long, but it also gives me time to think and review where I am now.  I still have times where I get so depressed that suicide crosses my mind.  The absolute peace and no more worry of it all.  But I have the little bit of doubt inside as to what happens to us when we die.  That keeps me here.  I have been rough so much it is a good thing I don’t care for alcohol, because I am sure if I liked it, I would be a drunk by now.  The weather here is so nice.  Today is beautiful, in the 70’s and a gorgeous breeze.  Back home it’s is near 100 and ever so humid!  

No matter what, we must keep that ounce of hope alive within us that things will one day be much better.  Carry ourselves through the rough patches and hard times.  Arrive at a place of beauty and peace.  I often wish I could go back and make different choices so I did not have to endure so much heart ache, but those things did make me who I am today and I am a very good person.  For that, I am proud…………. 

     

So Tired of the Stress…

I had to kick my daughter out again, for the absolute final time.  She has been on drugs and refuses to follow any rules.  She is snorting some sort of pills and is a psychotic mess.  I have called her probation officer and asked them to please drug test her.  She is on probation for beati me in my head while I was driving.  There is supposed to be NO violence, but she has had plenty of violence and nothing is being done about it.  Thankfully she left her son at my house.  That poor kid has been through so damn much.

Now I am stressed out trying to find a way to cover the two bills she was paying instead of paying me rent.  I want to end my constant misery, yet I have begged everyone and anyone for help, to no avail.  When will I just finally give up and stop living in his hell?

I just need the two bills covered for this month.  All the things I have done for people all my life, but no one is there when I need help.  To step so low as I have to beg for help and still be ignored.  Everyone says I am so beautiful and my smile lights up the room.  Yet, I am so depressed and full of fear inside.  A part of me hopes there is something more for me in this life.  I have been through so damn much and I am getting too damn old to be starting over again………….

I broke down and set up an account with Go Fund Me in hopes some people will donate so I can pay the bills.  I shared it on my Facebook and I also included the link below.  It feels so low inside of me.  To get to the point that I have to beg for help form someone.  I thought my family would help me, but they all say they have no money to give.  My parents are struggling to live on retirement now.  That’s what they tell me anyway.  Makes me wonder how they would feel if I blew my brains out.  Would they think, gee, I wish I would of helped her when I had the chance…

Go Fund Me Website is… Gofundme.com/LaurieMorris

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Single Life…

There are several great things about being single.  For one, you look so much better when you are single.  This is because you have more time for yourself and you can go to the gym and work on you.  Another great thing about being single is, you can do what YOU want, when YOU want to!   Your confidence increases and others notice!  Suddenly, I am having the door opened for me everywhere I go and I am met with smiles.  You can take trips and go places when ever you want to and you do not have to negotiate with a partner about what to do.  My bedroom and closet are organized with all of MY things.  No having to share the space in the bathroom either!  I really like this Single Life!  I have embraced it and love all aspects of it…

I have to say, I do feel much more confident about myself.  Going to the gym three days a week has helped in that area greatly.  My body is toning down and I have been tanning, which brings a nice glow all over your body.  I find myself smiling so much more now.  I no longer have that thought in my mind of, when will I find a mate.  My mind is now full of, what makes me happy and feel good…

I have not been to Northern, Illinois since 2006.  That is where my favorite sister lives and her children, plus their children.  I miss them greatly.  I leave in 12 days to go up there for 5 weeks.  I will be taking the Greyhound bus, which I have never done before.  New adventures…  I love being in the outdoors, so my niece will be taking me on nature walks during my stay.  I will also get to spend some time with an awesome guy I know from high school.  Visit with a few of my high school friends too.  The weather is much cooler up there compared to  here.  I just had to turn the A/C on in my house because the temperature is up in the upper 80’s and 90’s now.  I am excited!

I have been trying to quit smoking, but I have not done well with this.n the doctor put me on Wellbutrin in hopes it would help, but so far it has not.  One thing at a time I guess.  I have been focusing on getting into shape and I do not want to gain weight from quitting smoking either.  I will give this medication some time and if it does not help at al, I will try something else.  Right now, I do the gym three days a week and try to walk the dogs on the other days.  I have found that doing squats ever day has given me a butt lol!  I never really had a butt, but I do now…………

Recent pics of me…

   
     

April 2015

I have been struggling with increased pain recently.  Living here with the negativity and daily stress does affect how I feel.  I am counting down the days to when I leave to visit family up north for five weeks.  My daughter wakes and every single day she immediately begins yelling at her son.  I have repeatedly told her that I cannot take that anymore, yet she still does it.  They all seem to think they should be rewarded for when they actually do something around here, yet I am supposed to treat them like adults, as if we are all just roommates.  I am strongly considering moving up north.  I feel so much better out of this environment, instead of feeling good until someone wakes up and starts yelling.  This feels like the life is being sucked out of me!

I have never had my own life.  I became pregnant and then married at the age of 16 and I have been married three times.  Always went from one husband right to the next one.  This time I have stopped that and I have stayed single.  I tried dating, but found all of the men to be of great disappointment.  So instead, I have been working on myself and I go to the gym three times a week.  I am ready for my own life now.  I deserve my own life.  I have raised my kids and taken care of everyone else ever since I was 16 years old.  I am now 45 years old.  

I do not want to loose my house here, in order to keep it I have to pay the mortgage, that leaves me with little money to take care of myself though.  That is what has been stopping me from just leaving.  Plus, my grandson needs a stable home.

Our minds are very powerful.  What ever you choose to do, you can master!  It is much easier to accomplish when you are in an environment of peace though.  When I took three weeks and went to my parents house, I was in peace and I saw the stress melt off my face!  I began to feel very good about myself as well.  That is the key to our own happiness, our environment!

I do believe I am going to have a difficult time coming back home from my trip up north.  Maybe that will finally be the push that makes me choose myself for once!

Pictures of me now…

   

With my daughter   

With my grandson  

  

My Home-made Laundry Detergent Recipe…

I just made a new batch of the laundry detergent I have been using for years now.  Not only is it much cheaper and safeR for the environment, but it works better than the Tide I used to use.

RECIPE: (per batch)

1 Box of Borax

1 Box of Super Washing Soda

1 (4 lb) Box of Baking Soda

1 Container of Oxy Clean, around 2 lbs. (for a double batch I use a 5 lb container)

2 Bars of Laundry Soap (Fels-Naptha or Ivory)

1 bottle of Scent Booster (like Downy Crystals or Arm & Hammer)

You want to mix all of these ingredients thoroughly.  

1st, grate your laundry soap bars or you can also use Ivory Soap Bars. 2 bars per batch

I take a 5 Gallon Bucket with a lid (an old paint bucket) and I pour half of the box of Borax in, then half of the box of Super Washing Soda in, Then half of the box of Baking Soda in.  I mix this well, then pour half the bottle of scent booster and half of the container of Oxy Clean in.  Mix well, then mix in one bar of grated soap.  I make a double batch every time, which fills the 5 gallon bucket 2/3 of the way full.  I have once made a triple batch, but it did not leave me enough mixing room in the bucket.  I like to mix the double batch by doing half of each container, mix well, then repeat.  Place the cover on the container and it stays fresh and dry.  I use a smaller half gallon bucket, which I fill with this laundry detergent and keep it over my washing machine.  I also use a coffee scoop, which is 1 Tablespoon to add the detergent to my wash.  Always start by adding water to the washer, then the detergent, so it will dissolve.  Just 2 Tablespoons of detergent per load of laundry.  Then add your clothes.

Per batch, this laundry detergent costs around $30.  So, I spend $60 to make a double batch that lasts us (a family of 5) for 6 months.

You only need to use 2 Tablespoons of this laundry detergent per load.  If you have heavy soiled items you can use up to 4 Tablespoons.  This is also great for the newer washing machines or the ancient old ones too.  

I make a pre treater by taking 2 Tablespoons o f the detergent and dissolving that in hot water then pace it into a squirt bottle.  When you have a tough stain, squirt it on and use a tooth brush to remove the stain.