Ready to Fly Away…

I have been seriously struggling with some major depression lately. I have spent the last few days crying for mostly Unknown reasons. I feel like there is something missing from my life and I also feel like I do not mean much at all to my damn adult kids, except for what I can do for them!

To start off, the court date for divorce is postponed. I found out I was supposed to file an “answer” and a “Poverty Packet” so I don’t have to pay the court reporter fees. My EX was pissed when the judge asked me if I will be going for alimony and I said Yes. I turn in the poverty packet tomorrow and I have to wait for that to be approved, then I can file my answer, which is where I list what I want. I know I will be awarded the alimony, I just pray they give me a garnishment of wages so I actually get the alimony. I am guessing the court date will most likely be in May or June for all of that.

Then…. My EX has announced that he is in a relationship, as of Valentines Day, to the girl he has been with this entire time. I don’t miss my ex or want him back, but I do have very hurt emotions about how I was promised to be loved and taken care of and how he swore he would never leave. Just so tired of that shit happening. I do know my emotions and hurt feelings are part of my depression and tears, but I am not sure what all the rest of it is.

And… I had a good Valentines Day. My adult kids got me candy and an edible arrangement. My BF got me a stuffed dog, card and heart full of chocolates. He was over for the weekend, after I had not seen him for three full weeks. He is great when he is here with attention and being loving. I miss the attention when he is not here, but we don’t seem to really talk about much ever. When we are apart he will text a couple of times through the day just to ask me what I am doing or to say he loves me. I like that, but also feel like it is barely anything at all for an entire day. I tend to feel like I am not very important to him.

Further more……. I have decided I am going to my parents house the end of this month for a couple of weeks. For one, I need to be able to relax and rest in order to heal. I have lumps throughout my neck that are swelled. Had a CT and was sent quickly to an ear, nose and throat doctor. He said he did not feel it was cancer, but I had to be checked again in 6 weeks with another CT and see him. I am on antibiotics until then as well. It’s been ten days so far on this round of antibiotics and no change has occurred. This worries me, because if they all don’t go back down to normal I will have to have several biopsies done in April. While at this doctors office he sprayed some stuff up my nose that smelled like grapes. After several minutes my nose became numb and he put a camera up my nose and into my throat and looked at everything. He said we have another tonsil which is not round but long and bumpy and it is locate between the nose and throat. Mine is very inflamed and looks bad. This is also where the pain is coming from too. Hmmm… So much for having a loving husband to be by my side and supportive for me. Much like the two major surgeries I had in the summer and had to be all by myself! For two years now I have lost weight for no reason, I also lost the feeling in both of my feet. I knew something was wrong then and I still know it today. I keep thinking how the only thing that causes weight loss like that is cancer. No, I don’t want that. I feel I have suffered a great deal already in this life and there is no way I deserve more suffering. I do the right thing. I care about others. I have no clue why I deserve what has already happened to me.

Now here we are… The deep, dark depression… I can see I am angry, feel alone and not important to others. I know I have plenty of reasons to feel down. But, being exhausted all the time and feeling sick constantly is really becoming a problem. I can barely get the kitchen cleaned up daily and I haven’t been able to vacuum every day, let alone anything else that needs to be done. No one here will do a damn thing either. My daughter pays for my cell phone, because I watch her son and then tonight she tells me I will have to go without the cell phone for a few days because she can’t pay it on time. This is the kind of crap they do to me. Then I guess I won’t be babysitting for a few days? She knows I won’t do that to my grandson though. I have had enough of struggling to get by on my disability and paying the mortgage here, then I am left with nothing to even by basic needs with. I could take care of myself if I just moved in with my parents. But no, I stay here because my adult kids and grandson have no where else to go. Ugh…… One day I will choose me over anyone else!

Hopefully, going to my parents will do what it usually does. I will be able to rest and heal. I will be able to explore my own mind and find out what all is bothering me very much. Here at home, I am never left alone long enough to think. Normally I would be sleeping right now, but I am stressed out feeling and can’t sleep, so I got back up out of bed and chose to write it here. I will once again do a daily journal of what I find and what I do while at my parents. My BF says it will suck about me being gone, yet I feel like it really doesn’t matter much since I went three weeks without seeing him until I drove the hour to go get him and he barely texts with a very rare phone call. This is for me! I can sit in the sun daily, maybe even have a tan when I come back home, nice! I always feel so much better after a trip there, which I have always said I would be doing twice a year from now on! The weather will be 60’s, 70’s and 80’s while I am there, perfect! Maybe my mom will buy me a bathing, suit since I don’t have one and some jeans too. I don’t have any that fit me. I just need this extra hanging skin to go away and take all the stretch marks with it………….

“Me with a fake smile”

Tomorrow is court for my Divorce…

I have had horrible issues with nausea the past several days. I am assuming it is due to the fact I have to go to court in the morning to finalize my divorce. Not thrilled about having to see my ex and I am worried about if I will be awarded alimony or not. I need it to be able to survive. Life has been a constant struggle. I am so tired of men promising me everything then just leaving in the end. Married three times, you would think I would of gave up before now. But no, I always see the best in people and trust in them.

I have to print out all the bills to prove that I can not afford to pay the court reporter fees too. I just want it to be over and done with so my body can relax. Having panic and anxiety has made this all so very unbearable. I have to take medication just so I can go to court and that makes it hard for me to think clearly. So, I have to have everything prepared clearly and hope the judge does not need me to verbally tell her things. I have to have someone drive me, because my panic won’t allow me to drive myself.

I am still pushing onward with positive thoughts and practicing self love. I have had a lot of bumps in the road this last week due to the stress and anxiety, but I won’t give up. Everything happens for a reason, I firmly believe that!

Every single day of my life goes like this…
I wake up, sit up and take my meds, check my email and Facebook and read articles. After about 1 1/2- 2 hours I feel like I can get dressed and do so. If I am watching my grandson, I make sure to wake up two hours before I have to watch him. Then, I come out of my room and I clean the kitchen and vacuum the house, which takes two hours, because I have to take several breaks. Every single day I do this. Then if I feel able, I try to clean something else or do laundry, etc. Usually, around 4pm I start to feel hungry and I look for something to eat. Most of the time it will be vegetarian vegetable soup or a half of a peanut butter sandwich. On occasion, we have something to cook for dinner, which is usually once or twice a week. Around this same time I start to feel very down and out. I get extremely tired and could just go to sleep. I take a nap if I am not watching my grandson. Otherwise, I force myself to stay awake. Not one day goes by that I do not deal with anxiety, panic, depression, pain and stress. I feel crappy until I go to bed, which was 8pm last night. Then I repeat this every day of my life.

I know keeping my mind busy is key in keeping the panic attacks and deep depression at bay, but some days I feel so horrible or I hurt so much I am unable to do the things that occupy my mind. I always, repeat positive affirmations and self love statements. However, some days, like today, I just feel so darn tired of repeating the same thing over and over. When will things be better? When will I not have to struggle to survive? When will I finally have a day that I am not in horrible pain? When will I have a day where the deep darkness doesn’t engulf me? When will I find a true and real Loving Man? But…… I have to push on and I have act like everything is ok. In the giant hope, that one day it will be. I believe what we put out comes back to us. So saying all those negative things is not good at all. Now I say positive things, hoping, that it will correct the negative I just sent out.

I AM Grateful for my family, home, animals, clothes, food….
I AM a Beautiful Human Being…
I AM happy and full of life…
I AM a Strong and Resilient Person…
I AM Loveable…

The sun is shinning today and it is very pretty outside. We will be in the 70’s today. I will enjoy the afternoon in the sun and get some vitamin D. I will take my grandson down to the neighbors and visit for a bit today. But first, I must complete my chores and take a shower………….

Me, looking happy!!!

It Seems Like I Keep Getting Sick…

A week ago, I noticed a swollen area in my neck on the right side. I do not have my tonsils and I have not had even a sore throat really ever since they were removed. This lump got bigger and more painful every day and then another lump on the other side of my neck came up. On Monday, the lump was big enough to see just by looking at my neck, so I went to the doctor. He said he felt it was the Eustachian tubes and not lymph nodes since it is a long thin lump. He put me on high doses of amoxicillin, 1,000 mg twice a day and gave me a steroid shot in my butt. After three days I was still dealing with very large painful lumps. It feels like I have a sore throat but it is really coming from deep in my ear where it meets the throat. I put in another call to the doctor yesterday but I have not heard anything yet. I was unable to even stay awake yesterday. I very much need some relief from this and I want to know what the heck is going on. I guess I will go into the ER if I don’t get anywhere today and it keeps causing me so much distress.

On the boyfriend front… I jumped the gun and let him move in here with me and he was a completely different person. The five days he had stayed with me before where amazing, but when he had living here status he was a jack ass. What is up with men anyway. I feel thinks I never felt in my life for this guy, I had thought it must be true love, now I am left wondering what it really is. I ended up having him move back out after one week. My brain says he is not good for me and my heart/body wants him. He doesn’t put forth the effort to make me a priority though. I am going with the flow and seeing what happens. My best friend says she has a bad feeling about him and I need to stay away from him.

An old friend from high school has been talking to me and we have been catching up on things over the years. That’s been real nice. Heck, he has been more attentive towards me than anyone!

My daughter was arrested five days after beating me and spent a night in jail. They waited five days to arrest her for beating me in the head, weird! The judge put her on a year of probation where she has to check in monthly and pay on fines and she is to have no violent contact with me. The judge also ordered her to do family counseling, but they have not enforced that. So, basically, they get some money out of the deal and I can have her put in jail for a year if she chooses to be violent toward me again. I guess that is a step in the right direction. She just needs to stay off drugs and alcohol!

The boyfriend and me…

Another screwed up weekend…

Let me start by saying I have finally experiences true love. I found a man that brings out the good in me and one who creates feelings I have never experienced before. I don’t want anything from him, I just want to do anything to make him happy and feel good. I never thought I would experience this. It really sucks when we are not together, but I am happy and smile every day because of him.

So, Saturday night, my daughter chose to leave with her son and go to a friends house and get drunk. She called me up drunk flipping out for me to come get her. I had Bennett drive me and my BF to get her, my grandson and my van. It took forever to find that place because getting direction from a drunk is impossible. Once we finally arrived there, we had to hunt for the keys to my van. I noticed her bra and shorts were off of her and in a box she brought over there filled with things for Keith to play with. I checked the shorts and found the keys. We got in the van, Kerry was in the back with my grandson and my BF was next to me. Kerry began to flip out that she could not find her phone and that I needed to turn around and go back and get her phone. I told her, “No! That if it was there I would message her brother to bring it home, since he stayed there for a bit after I left”. She continued to flip out. She slapped me in the face while I was driving. My BF had to stop her from hitting me more. As she continued to flip out, she said horrible things to me and the next thing I knew she had my hair in her hand and pulled it back so far my head was pulled all the way back, while I was driving. Then she continued to punch me over and over in the back of my Head. I ended up having to slam on the breaks while my BF tried to get her off of me and stop her from hitting me anymore. I skid a good 30 feet and then we stopped and smoke billowed out around he van. I had an instant headache from hell. I kept telling her to stop or I was going to call the cops. She refused, so I called the cops and told them to meet me at my house as I was in route there and she was beating me while I was driving. I made it home thanks to my BF and I went in the house to wait for the cops. My daughter had her son out front with her in the freezing cold. She was so drunk she just kept going on and on about stuff to her four year old child. The cops finally arrived, two of them in separate cars. The first one got out and began to talk to me, stating he remembers being called out to my house before (though it had been a long time since). He got my info and story and then went over and talked to my daughter. Now, I was always told if my kids laid a hand on me they would be immediately arrested. I wanted my daughter arrested and detained in the hopes it would get through to her. The damn cops did what they always do, told me I can’t kick her out without an eviction which costs $75. How the hell she did not get arrested is far beyond me. This is the only place I have ever lived where they let anything happen. I told them she was not coming back in my house after she beat me in the head. She ended up going to another friends house for the night. Of course, she said horrible shit to me and kept saying how Keith was her son and she would do what she wanted.

She messaged me the next day, wanting to come home and never once realizing it was all because of her and her need to be screwed up on something. That is how it always ends up. I told her no way was she coming back here. I talked to the cop next door and he told me I had no choice but to allow her to come here because she lived here, until I spent the money and waited the time to have her removed, but I could file for a warrant on her and go to court about her beating me. Needless to say, she ended up coming home. I told her that the use of my vehicle was strictly for work and her son and would not be used for any other purpose. If she touched any alcohol or drugs she would be tossed to the damn curb! She apologized and proceeded to act like nothing happened. Story of my damn life!

Then, this morning she came barging into my room to tell me she had to go to work, but she was called to get Keith from school because he was acting out. I told her oh well, it was her son and her problem. See, she is in love with her manager who is married, but he calls her and flirts with her, etc. all she cares about it going to work and seeing him, not her son. I have slept about three hours a night since Friday night too. I am done doing for her. Who the hell beats their own mother anyway. I’m tired of my hands being tied! i want to just go live in my van and get away from here! The only thing that has kept me going this weekend was my BF. I always put my kids first and they abuse me. All I can say is….. I AM SO DONE! Today is also her birthday and she turned 26 today. I always make her a cake, but I did not do it this year. To hell with this shit. I pay the mortgage here so they all have a roof over their heads, for what? My poor grandson is destine to have a horrible life because of her. Maybe his father should get him, he would surely be better off!

I probably would of taken my own life this weekend if I did not have the love of my life here with me to support me and help me. Things have to change and the only way they will happen is if I just leave and stop paying the mortgage. I have places to go, I just always stayed because of my grandson. Obviously this is a bad environment for him due to his mother. It may hurt him to be away from his mom, but he would surely be better off. I know I will be if that day ever does arrive. All I ever wanted was to have a normal and loving family. Guess that is out of the question………….

My BF and I on Friday at a Monster Truck Show…

Life Continues On…

I survived Christmas. I have to say, my grandson is really the only reason I even put up a tree. He has so many emotional issues, yet he does have spells everyday where he is kind and sweet. He tends to destroy things though. It seems to take him a very long time to learn or understand things. He is in speech therapy, but I still have trouble understanding some things he says.

My son thinks that my wanting to go to my parents for two weeks to relax is just me running away from things. I cannot seem to get him to understand that I really need the peace and quiet and I am still recovering from the surgeries and all the emotional crap I have gone through. He refuses to watch my grandson while my daughter is at work so I can go to my parents. I was just going to leave anyway, but I don’t want my daughter to end up loosing her job because of my son again.

I cannot wait to take down all the Christmas stuff and put it back up in the attic. This year never once felt like Christmas and I did not even bake cookies. I am more than ready for the New Year, because it has to be better than this one!

I have decided to stop looking for any man. They always bring disappointment. I like being just me. I only miss having a man when I am horny or wanting to cuddle…LoL! Besides, everyone I have talked to or met is the same, they lie and pretend to be what you are looking for yet they are not! They say you should take a year after a break up to be comfortable with just you and that is what I am doing. I am comfortable with just me. I don’t have to worry about what someone else is thinking or try to look my very best for them. Everything I do now is completely for me!!! I want to get out and do things and I miss having friends near me too. I do have my family that I can do things with. When I finally heal enough not to be so darn tired every day, I can get back to playing games with the kids as well.

I did pretty good yesterday. I baked the cake my daughter in law wanted for her birthday, which actually took two days to make. A red velvet cake stuffed in the middle with a cheesecake. It was heavenly to say the least! I always bake what ever they want for their birthdays. I did not have the exhaustion hit me until 6pm, which is better than the few days prior where it was hitting me by 3pm. On the days I don’t have to watch my grandson I lay down and take a nap. Which usually lasts for two hours. Then I still go to bed by 10 or 11pm.

I have a new phone number so none of the unwanted messages from my ex or others will be bothering me. I have a phone I really like too. It is like a small portable IPad. I have all the APPs on there that I use on the iPad. I need to take the time to try and recover my crashed computer. My daughter doesn’t read things and just clicks ok and always ends up causing the computer to crash. Hopefully, I will be able to fix it and not have to send it to my father again.

I am doing my very best to recite affirmations daily and I have noticed that it does help. I am trying to notice when I have negative thoughts and replace them with something positive. When all else fails, I look in the mirror and smile, that always helps. You should try it! I am hoping to put some of my homemade natural recipes on here soon for everyone. I am wishing you all a very peaceful and happy new year………….

I project love to everyone I meet
I attract loving people and relationships into my life
I know my wisdom guides me to the right decision
I am a radiant being filled with light and love
I am open to receiving love
I breathe in universal love
I radiate love to all persons, places and things
As I give love, I am instantly supplied with more
I express love freely
I compare myself only to my highest self
I trust myself
I creat my reality
I give and receive love easily and joyfully
Love radiates from me at all times
I love myself completely
I bathe in unconditional love
I express love to all those I meet
People are just waiting to love me and I allow them
I am radiating love

It has Been very Difficult for Me…

I really should of been writing this whole time. I feel ever so alone. Struggling with emotions and fears. Finding myself crying out of the blue!

I have dated some men, but I always find a reason to not be with them. Seems like every single one is a liar anyway. They deceive you with their lies and reel you in, then in a matter of a week or two you can see their true selves coming out and it is nothing they pretended to be! I really do believe it is impossible to find a man that fits what I need anymore. What I have to have is: Honesty, Communication, Loyalty and Romance. If I can’t have that, then I would rather be alone!

No more shall I put up with crap just to not be alone, I finally found that place where I won’t settle for anything less. I am pretty sure it is from my last husband and how horrible he was. Constantly lied! My mind runs all the time and won’t let me sleep, while all day I feel like I am going to fall asleep. I know what I want, I just don’t know where I would find a man like that. I have tried online dating sites and I don’t go out to clubs or anything to meet men.

The online world is a joke! The men are all liars or they are looking just for sex or both. Casual sex has NEVER done a thing for me! I like having a connection with someone then having sex. I always had hoped I would be with one man until the day I died. I am fine with not having a man in my life, I just wish I could have sex….lol! For me that requires a man in my life. I do know I discovered I hate sleeping in the bed with someone else.

I have been doing my best to pray to GOD and turn it all over to GOD. I guess I don’t know how to let it all go! My temper is very short anymore. Things get on my nerves fast. I need peace and quiet or I feel horrible. That doesn’t work out so well when I have a grandson with serious emotional issues that I have to babysit often. I keep saying, “GOD will bring to me what I need and when it is the right time!” Now if I could just believe that all the time………….

Current photo of me…

A Morbid Dream…

The estrogen seems to have helped a lot with the depression. So far, I have not had the horrible depression hit at night since day two of taking it. I also have not had any hot flashes! Major plus. I am swollen and feel fat though…

So, I am suddenly having dreams and remembering them. Last night it was pretty morbid, yet so satisfying! See on Wednesday this week, my ex decided to torture me by texting me a pic of him and the girl at work that I found message from him about her to his buddy at work. The whole cheating thing and reason why we are not together anymore. That’s really messed up and shitty. And the girl joined in with him and said some shitty crap to me too. It was like I was being tortured. Wow! Why I always am nice even when they treat me like shit, I don’t know, but that hurt me so much something snapped in me….
The dream: a friend of mine, which is a big dude, flagged down my ex as he drove down the road. When my Ex got out, my friend knocked him out. He then tied him up, taped his eyes and gagged his mouth. I came out of hiding and drove his precious truck with him in the back tied up, to a dark and lonely place. There was a shed of sorts there and no one for miles. My friend placed my ex onto a hook where he dangled down from and then restrained his tied legs to the floor. That way he couldn’t kick at me. I never spoke, so he never knew I was even there. My friend went off to do the same to the girl from my exes work, We will call her “J”. While he was gone, I carved into my ex very deeply, DISEASE, right above his penis! My friend arrived back with “J” unconscious. He helped me hold her body up while I took her hands and clawed all over my exes body as deep as possible. Then we tied her down to the floor, she was also gagged and had her eyes covered. I proceeded to take a clay carving utensil and remove more chunks of skin from my ex, then placed it deep into her fingernails. I took hair from my ex and placed it all over her. I scratched up the inside of her vagina and took the blood and cells from her, then placed it all over my exes penis. I continued in this manner for sometime. I was making it look like he raped her and she was going to believe he did too. Then she would call the police and tell her boyfriend. Her boyfriend would beat the hell out of my ex as well. Twice we had to use some kind of liquid to knock them back out. Then my friend and I went outside and worked on tearing up the precious truck. Smashed out the expensive lights he installed. Ripped up the bed cover. Scrapped up the expensive paint job. Then I drove it into a few trees. We opened both doors and left the lights on, as if he had stopped and jumped out after her. The battery ran dead after an hour and we put a few screws in some of the tires. We returned to the building where they both were still unconscious. I took the gag off my exes mouth so when he woke he would yell and speak and “J” would hear his voice when she woke too. It wasn’t long before he came to and was screaming and yelling out cuss words. Every time he yelled a cuss word, my friend would kick “J” in her side. She woke to this. She heard his cussing and felt the kick slam into her. After a few minutes we knocked my ex back out. “J” was trying to struggle and she was sobbing. I gave the nod and my friend knocked her out one last time. We then placed my exes body on top of her body, both naked, with her clothes ripped off of her and shreds of them in his nails as well as her skin and blood too. We untied my ex completely, gave them both an extra dose of the knock out juice and we left. The next day there were reports all over the news channels of the abduction, Attack and rape on “J” by my ex. His mug shot big on the TV screen. He some how was able to bond out and when he did, “J’s” boyfriend tracked him down and beat the crap out of him. He tried to run to the police, but they turned their heads and ignored the violence, thinking he truly deserved it anyway. His day in court arrived and he plead innocent that he too was abducted, beaten and framed. No one believed him. There were even a few people that swore under oath how they saw him driving that night in his truck with “J” inside. I was in the court room, all the way in the back. He did not notice me until he stood for sentencing and was turned to be cuffed and removed. His eyes locked onto mine and the biggest smile was upon my face. I lipped the word, K A R M A! He began to cuss and accuse me, the officers handling him ended up beating him down just to get him out of the court room. My dream continued on for a bit longer. The feeling of justice I felt and knowing he was going to spend the rest of his life in prison. Like I was finally free and could have a happy life. It flashed before me in pictures, my family and I all so very happy. I actually woke up with a feeling of warmth and happiness inside of me. How morbid is that?

I did nothing wrong in the marriage, he was a horrible person and I was still nice and did the right thing even after we split up, then when he did that torturous crap to me on Wednesday and I spent hours sobbing, I snapped. I finally decided I did not have to be nice to him anymore. He called me over and over the next day. When I finally answered he demanded for me to meet him down town and he suddenly had the funds to pay for the divorce that I had said I would agree to the term of not going after him for alimony, etc. but now, I am not doing that. He can kiss my ass. I told him to go ahead and file and I would show up to the court date, he freaked out saying I had better agree to everything like I said. I told him how I am really sick and I am. I never told him I wouldn’t agree to the terms. I hung up and he called over and over again. I finally answered and he said the clerks office was closed and would be open on Monday and that I needed to go with him on Monday and sign then. I said ok, but I am not doing this. He can file and on the court date I will go and tell my peace of it all including the torture he chose to do. Maybe the judge will be nice and award me alimony. I deserve that much. He is a adulterer and abandoned his wife who is disabled. If he refuses to file unless I am with him, I will have to find out if there is anyway I can get help to file. It costs $250 in court fees to file yourself and I don’t have that. All I had wanted was for him to file and we agree and be done with it. Then he chose to that crap to me. And the kicker is the three days prior to that he came to my house and tried to kiss me everytime! My mom said he is an asshole and I need to go after him in any way I can. I completely agree now!

Here is my recent photo… November 2014