My Experience with Topamax…

I spent the last 2+ months going through one hell of a time!  I was born with a chemical imbalance, the one that causes Major Depression, so I have battled with that my entire life.  I am now 46 years old and I thought I had been through the worst depressions imaginable, but I was very wrong…

In November 2015, my pain doctor put me on Topamax.  He said I had to be on one of those type of medications on top of my pain medications in order to get more pain relief.  I always had problems with the anti-seizure medications, they had one thing in common for me, they all made me very depressed.  My pain was at an all time high and I was willing to try anything, even though I had tried so many of those type of medications and I had sworn I would NEVER again take another one.  The things you will do in hopes of some pain relief!  

At first, I thought it was helping.  I was started on 50mg, which is rather high to begin with.  It seemed to make me be able to tolerate the severe pain more, but the Topamax had immediately affected my eyes.  They were always tired and my vision became worse.  I was extremely bothered by light and certain sounds.  Like music playing out of a phone or tablet.  That would make my brain feel like it was splitting!  So, everyone in the house made sure not to play any music out of those devices.  I also could not tolerate hearing children scream, so my sons best friend (who was staying with us) had to go somewhere else to see his daughter (2 years old) on the weekends.  After a month, the doctor doubled my dose to 100mg at bedtime.  Now, not only were my eyes constantly tired by my entire being was.  I still could not tolerate the certain sounds or bright light.  I quickly found myself severely depressed and I felt like I was coming down with the flu every single day.  Two weeks into the increased dose, I was so ill that I was either in bed or in my chair.  I could not function at all and my head constantly felt like an aching joint.  Another two weeks passed and I was so miserable and in so much pain, I could not take anymore.  I have dealt with depression on and off my entire life and I have been suicidal at times, but it was always just thoughts, as I could never actually go through with it.  When you suffer from chronic pain, you need your mind to be strong and not depressed!  Well, I found myself in the worst depression of my life!  I was exhausted, felt sick and my pain was too much!  I also had gained ten pounds, even though Topamax is said to cause weight loss.  I could not see the light no matter what I tried.  I just had to end my constant misery.  I was the definition of ennui, hopeless and despair!  I felt completely alone (which I actually am other than my son), like everyone would be better off without me here, a complete waste of oxygen and I just could not take anymore…  I, being the only one that does any of the house chores, could not complete any tasks and the pain itself was devistating to me, let alone the constant feeling of coming down with the flu and isolation of it all.  So, the house was messy and getting dirtier by the day, which also added to my depression.  That’s when I began to think of how I was going to stop the suffering once and for all!  I actually had a plan set, then I realized (maybe it was my guardian angel) that it was the medication and I had to wean myself off of it.  I had an appointment with my doctor that day, so I planned to talk to him about it, but I was called and told that he called in sick and now I wasn’t going to see him for another month.    So, I cut the pills in half and took that nightly for five nights, then I was going to do every other night.  I felt a lot better the morning after not taking the medication, so I just stopped it from there on.  It has been four days without any medication now and I feel so much better. I actually feel like me, I forgot what it felt like to be me.  Yes, I still have the pain and I guess I always will, but having my mind back sure helps in dealing with it.  I am back to using meditation and pacing myself with everything…

When you suffer with chronic pain, depression can be what pushes you over the edge.  I worry about people that have not ever experienced depression and getting on Topamax then having a similar experience, but they aren’t able to see the warning sign and they go through with suicide!  That is why you see the warnings on so many medications saying, may cause suicidal thoughts…

When I shared this experience with my neighbor, after the fact, he got on to me and told me I was selfish, that killing yourself is completely selfish!  Why do people do that?  That has to be the worst thing you can say to someone who is suicidal!  I wasn’t at the time, but having gone through all of that, I realize that, it is very selfish of people to want someone to stay here on this earth in so much pain!  Obviously those are words from someone who has never really experience the darkness of true depression and suicidal thoughts…

Comfort in Your Own Skin…

I am passing on what I have learned in my 46 years of life.  If I had a question about the opposite sex, I always asked many of them, to come up with what the general consensus had to say.  I learned many things…

1.  When you are completely comfortable in your own skin, no matter the size, men find you very attractive!  I have known several men who were married to very beautiful and fit woman, yet they cheated with woman who were the complete opposite.  Why?  Because the women the cheated with were comfortable in their own skin and put out a vibe that they are sexy just the way they are!  One of the main things being, they would take off their clothes and walk around without a care in the world and that is very sexy to a man!

2.  When you let go and completely love yourself just as you are right now, a light shines within you that others can see.  We HAVE to Love ourselves completely and be comfortable with who and what we are!  No more worrying what others may think of you, because all that matters is what you think of you!  Personally, I for years, worried what others thought and I had a wall up around me to keep everyone out.

3.  We can only truly trust ourself, so stop having expectations of other people.  When you stop the expectations, you find yourself with much less worry and frustration.  This is difficult to accomplish, but not impossible!  You have to remind yourself that you have absolutely NO control over anyone other than yourself, so what someone else does is out of your control, no matter what you do!  You have to come to a place where you rely on yourself and know that no matter what anyone else does, you will be just fine, because you love yourself and depend on yourself fully.  If someone cancels a date or doesn’t show up for an appointment,  it can be frustrating, but we have no control over what someone else does.  We do, however, have complete control over how we react to things!   You can prepare for a date, but do not put everything into that person showing up.  Have a plan of what you will do for you, if they do not show up.  You are a beautiful spiritual being and your own happiness is the most important thing in the world!

4.  Be your own best friend.  That’s right, you can be your own best friend, treat yourself as you would a best friend.  Personally, I talk to myself and comfort myself often!  Again, we have complete control over ourselves and no one else.  So be there for yourself, treat yourself very good.  Pamper yourself.  Love yourself unconditionally!

5.  Start right now!  Begin the most wonderful love affair with yourself.  Look in the mirror and smile at yourself.  Tell yourself how much you love YOU!  Repeat affirmations, which are positive phrases, that help boost your own self esteem.  Why?  Because we can not truly love another, until we truly love ourself!

Stop doing everything for everyone else and put yourself first.  You are, after all, the most important person in the world!  You are the ONLY one who can make yourself happy!  No other person can do this for you.  Eat what you love, do what you love and discover what truly makes you happy………….

  

SMILE, it really does bring joy…

I have struggled a lot recently with way too much pain and feeling down.  One thing is for sure, just the simple act of forcing a smile on your face does uplift you!  That’s right, make yourself smile, even while you are feeling down or angry.  Force that smile on your face and your body releases a feel good chemical that does improve your mood.

I was feeling all kinds or anger for many reasons, then I remembered that smiling will help, so I forced a smile on my face and I held that smile there for a full minute.  I began to feel better!  Every moment I caught myself feeling down I put that smile back on my face and I felt better.  I found myself smiling for no reason at all.  This really does work!  

What do you have to loose… Nothing, except your sadness and anger.  The next time you feel down, angry or just not good, force a smile upon your face.  Hold that smile there for as long as you can and through out the day remember to smile even when you don’t feel like it.  Trust me, your body will send out that feel good chemical and you will improve your mood.  I dare you….. Just try it out!

I would love to hear from anyone who has given forth the effort to force the smile upon their face and continue to put that smile there rough the day………….

  
S M I L E . . .

Filling Your Karma Account with Positive Credits…

We all have Karma.  What we put out, is what we get back.  So, each positive thought or affirmation is like a positive credit in your Karma account.  The goal being to have more positive than negative.  Like a buffer for any negative thing that occurs.

For example, let’s say you start each day with positive affirmations.  Those affirmations are each a credit in your account.  So, we say 5 positive affirmations and we deposit five positive credits.  Through out the day when a negative thought comes in your mind, then that takes away a positive credit, but if you immediately change that negative thought into a positive one and say it out loud, you can stop the withdrawal of a positive credit.  It balances out.  If you have a bad day and cannot help the negative thoughts, you could easily go into the negative in your karma account, so you want to build up as many positive credits as possible on the days you are feeling good.  Each thought and each action that is positive, is a positive credit.  When we help others or do good/nice things for them, we feel better and we deposit much more positive credits.  The more we do this, the better we feel!

Try to make each day start with positive credits into you karma account.  Affirmations and good intentions followed up with doing nice things for others.  Make an achievable goal that you can make each day, like 10 credits per day and work towards that goal every single day.  Remember, everyone has bad days, so do not get yourself down when this happens to you.    

Being still, silent and just relaxing is a daily practice we all need to have.  Our intuition and gut tells us so many things.  Yet, you must be quiet in order to hear it.  Nothing is more important than your happiness and well being.  Make the time, if even just a few minutes a day, to give yourself that silence and connection to your own spirit………….

  

Loving Yourself…

One thing is for sure, you have to love yourself before you can ever really love someone else.  When you take the time to find yourself and develop love for yourself, then you know if you do end up in a relationship, that it is out of love and not loneliness!

That old saying is very true, take a year to find yourself after a break up.  I can tell you first hand that relationships begun without finding and loving yourself, never last!  I spent most of my life going from one relationship right to the next.  I often felt like I just could not be alone.  I have been married three times and they were all back to back.  5 years, 16 years and then 8 years.  It began at age 16 and ended at age 45.  This time, I made myself stop and find myself and I realized that I actually really enjoy my own company.  I prefer not having to deal with someone else or their bull, lol!  I love having the bed all to myself and the bathroom completely for me.  I have been just me for over a year now and it is a wonderful place to be!  This does not happen over night though.

First, you have to grieve the loss of the relationship and go through the healing process to get past the pain.  Instead of looking for someone else to fill the void, which No One can make you Happy except You, take time to really find yourself.  Who are you?  Do you even know who you are anymore?  What do you like about yourself?  Is there anything you want to change?  Now is the time to make those changes!  You can be or do anything you put your mind too.  What morals do you have?  What morals would you like to have?  Take the time to care for yourself.  Exfoliate your skin, moisturizer, do your nails, etc.  When we care for ourselves, we feel better about ourselves.  Even the simple act of applying make-up can boost my mood.  What do you find joy in doing?  What is fun for you?  I love doing all kinds of crafts.  If I see something I want, I can usually find a way to make it myself.  In doing this, I also feel accomplished.  That is a wonderful feeling.

Finding out who you really are now, pampering yourself and taking the time to work on positive thinking are all extremely important.  We did not become negative thinkers over night, so this will take practice to change.  How do you do that?  You start out small, by noticing your thoughts and when you have a negative thought you acknowledge that thought, but then replace it with a positive thought.  For instance, you find yourself thinking about the things your ex had done to hurt you.  Stop right then and remind yourself that you are a beautiful and loving being.  The things that happened hurt, but they are also learning experiences.  We can NOT control anyone other than ourselves.  Say out loud something positive, an affirmation!  “I AM Lovable” “I AM all I truly need”. It helps to have a list of positive affirmations to look at when you have negative thoughts.  With practice, you can and will change the negative into the positive.  No matter how spiritually advanced you become, you will have bad days, everyone does.  All you can do is try your best to get through that day or moment of negativity.  Distracting the mind helps a great deal when you find yourself in a bad mood or having a bad day.  This is where knowing what you enjoy to do comes into play.  For me, I clean or work on a craft.  Sometimes my chronic pain is so bad, that all I can do is lay in bed and distract my mind by watching a movie.  So do NOT get yourself down when you have a bad day, it happens to everyone.  

Love yourself and care for yourself like you would a best friend.  Become your own best friend.  You can only truly rely upon and depend on yourself.  We cannot make others do what we want or be true to their word, but we can for ourselves!  Positive self talk!  What would you say to your best friend if he/she felt as you do?  Say that to yourself!  Go places you have always wanted to go.  Eat at restaurants you have wanted to try.  You do not need someone with you to enjoy these things!  All you need is YOU!  Over time, this will get easier and you will find how much you actually do love yourself and enjoy being with just yourself.  For me, after a year, I can honestly say that I prefer to be with just ME!  Now, if someone right were to come along, I would know that if I chose to be with them, it would be out of love and not a need to be with someone and that is a relationship that can last. I am not looking though, because I am very content with just being me………….

  

Being in the Here & Now…

One thing we must learn is how to be in the present moment.  This takes practice!  For a while, the mind will keep bringing up thoughts of the past or even the future.  The past is over and cannot be changed.  The future has not happened.  

Each day, take what ever time you possibly can to practice being mindful.  In the present moment.  Start by doing three deep and slow cleansing breaths.  Relax your body!  Then, just pay attention to what is going on right now!  Involving your five senses.  What do you hear?  What do you see?  What do you smell?  What do you taste?  What do you feel?  

Every time a thought of past or future pops into your mind, acknowledge that thought, then tell yourself that is the past or has not happened yet and return to being in the present moment.  At first, your mind will bring up thoughts a lot!  Be persistent, you can over come those thoughts.  After all, your are the one in control of yourself.  

You can do ANYTHING you put your mind to and with practice.  We are beautiful creatures of the light/love.  After I almost died and had to have a very large surgery to save my life, I had no balance or muscle left in my body.  I took it one day at a time and I would spend a few minutes just trying to stand on one foot.  At first, I had to hold on to a chair, but after a while I was able to let go of the chair and finally, I could stand on one foot for a long time.  This is true for anything you want to obtain.  Start small and give it your best each and every day!  There is nothing you cannot do!

Here is an exercise for when you feel down, that I have found to be helpful.  Look in the mirror, smile at yourself!  Smiling actually releases chemicals in the brain that help us feel better and looking at yourself as you force a smile on your face is pretty funny!  The next thing you know, you are smiling without even trying to smile.  

Starting your day on a positive loving note is the best way to begin.  Be sure you get enough sleep!  Take in at least three deep and slow breaths to cleanse your body.  Think of things you are grateful for and say them out loud!  Still feeling down?  Go to the mirror and smile at yourself!  Exercise is also a great way to release feel good chemicals in the body.  If you have never exercised before, then just do some slow stretches or even basic yoga poses.  Taking a walk is one of the best ways to get exercise into your life.  I think walking is the number one form of exercise.  Try to take in those three deep slow breaths several times a day.  Be sure to practice being in the present moment!  You will not be disappointedly!  It is amazing what happens after you practice this on a daily basis and you get past the thoughts from popping up in your mind.  Nature is an amazing and beautiful place…………

  

Finding our Light/Love…

We all come here with the same purpose, to find our light within and help it grow.  Our light is our soul.  Light is Love and all thing positive are of Love.  Everything else is not of love and therefore negative.  Each and everyone of us is of the light.  We are born to this world that is full of all kinds of negativity.  We only learn from negative things.  So, life is filled with trials, tribulations and learning.  Children are very connected to the light.  The younger they are, the more they are connected.  Society plays a huge roll in masking their light.  We basically come here with amnesia of who we are and where we come from, with the common goal of remembering.  Children do not have the stress of bills and making ends meet and they are free to go with the flow of their light.

Every single thing we do is a choice.  When we wake up, what clothes we wear, what we eat, where we go, how we react to things, etc.   We either choose from the light/love or from the negative/not love.  

Nothing in this life can make you happy, only you have that ability.  No object or person can make this happen.  An object or person may feel like happiness temporarily, but that happiness is fleating and does not last.  We are the only ones with the power to create happiness for ourselves.  We only have control over ourselves.  We control the choices we make and cannot control what someone else chooses to do.  This is why so many rich people are not happy, because you cannot buy happiness.  You cannot buy anything that is of the light and love!  Money can make life easier, with less stress of paying bills and obtaining the basic needs of life.  We truly only do need food, clothing and shelter.

So, you focus on your very own light/love.  You grow your light until it fills you completely and then you can help others find and grow there own light.  This is why it feels so good to help someone else, because that comes from love and only love can lift us up!  

How does one do this?  Know that life here on earth is not real.  The only thing that is real is love/light.  You take time every single day, if even just ten minutes, and you breathe slowly, deeply and relax your physical body.  The more you do this, the easier it becomes to relax.  Guided meditations are very good for beginners.  They walk you through the steps of breathing and relaxing your body.  There are many out there, just find the one that seems to click for you.  

Being in the present moment… This is very important.  Even if you only find the time to do this during a meal or during a break, do it!  You focus only on what is going on right now!  Notice your breath, what do you hear?  What do you smell?  What do you taste?  What does something feel like?  Using your five senses you explore the here and now.  Not the past or the future, just what is going on right now.  When you have thoughts enter your mind of the past or the future, anything that is not right now, acknowledge them and return to the present moment!  This will happen, often, at first.  You are teaching yourself how to be in this very moment without worries or concerns of what has happened or what might happen.  Because reality is ONLY what is going on right NOW!  

The key is to train your body to relax and focus on the here and now only.  Once you do this, you can begin to find out who your really are.  Not what someone else wants you to be.  What is fun for you?  For me, I actually enjoy cleaning and doing crafts.  Learn about yourself as you would a new friend.  You are your own best friend and you are never alone!  Build a loving relationship with yourself!  This is how you find happiness.  It has always been within you!  Trust, honor and cherish yourself, as you would do with a best friend.  Choose always from your light/LOVE and you create a beautiful future for yourself and anyone around you………….
  
ME…