I Am Done…

I have come to realize that I need to just be done with everyone and everything!  Having Panic & AnxietyDisorder plus Major Depression & Chronic Pain, I NEED Peace, Quiet and Calm around me.  I have already been isolated to my house.  My son lives here too.  So much is needed to be done to my house.  The soffit & facia are rotting away.  There are cobwebs all over the entire outside of the house!  I get very ill in the heat and I am unable to get out there and remove them…  Almost daily, I find more dents and holes in my walls and appliances.  You guessed it… My son is an alcoholic with anger issues.  He won’t do any of the repairs here.  Which is one of many reasons I am going to eventually have to go live with my parents…

I have always had a big heart and cared way too much!  Every since the 3rd husband cheated and left, I have been cold and unable to feel love.  Why Stress & Struggle to keep my home, when it is like paddling up river!  I have to keep telling myself to just not care…

The ‘Darkness’ (depression) has been invading my mind and body for the last few days.  Most likely jacked up due to another sucky birthday on Monday and now the full moon!  I force myself to do the basic chores, even though it causes me more pain, because it is the only way my body gets any exercise at all!  Plus, I am allergic to dust, mold, mildew, pollen and pet dander.  Yes, I have several animals, because I always felt life was better with them…

Every single time I even think about all I have to do in order to prepare to move, I shut down!  I can’t handle any amount of stress anymore.  But my entire life is stress.  Lack of food, lack of funds, lack of it all…

Why can’t I just go to sleep and not wake back up!!!  I don’t have a clue how I am going to do the things needed to be done, just so I can move.  I have no energy at all!  The Pain rules my life and the darkness is sucking me into its pit of hell…

Depression sucks royally allow its own!  Then the Panic & Anxiety crap was thrown in there!  And now, the chronic pain…  So, I am done!  I am just going to make myself not care at all!  Some how, some way!  I try to occupy my mind by watching tv, it does help when I have a show I can binge watch on Netflix.  Ugh, I am so tired and so lifeless…

Another Year Older…

Yesterday I turned 47 years old.  It was a day, just like all the rest!  Nothing different really. I have always made my kids what ever they wanted for their birthday cake.  I have ALWAYS said “Everyone deserves a cake!”  Do you know what…. I have not had a birthday cake in several years now…

My mom and one of my sisters sent me gifts off my Amazon Wish List.  I received a Walking Dead shirt, Dark Chocolate Espresso beans, 2 essential oils and a cobalt blue glass spray bottle.  I make all the cleaners and detergents here.  My Brother did call me, but I truly hate being on the phone.  It is funny, I used to live on the phone in my 20’s, even had a headset, so I could be on the phone and do things.  But now, I HATE it…

My son and his girlfriend gave me hair clips, a big Mr. Goodbar and a New York Style Cheesecake.  I guess that was supposed to be my birthday cake, but no candles or anything and I really wanted birthday cake!  So, I made my homemade chocolate cupcakes and my homemade frosting for myself… SMH!

I am Disabled and try to survive on a VERY SMALL fixed income of $800 a month and pay the mortgage on my home, I can’t even cover the utilities and I can’t get any help here!  My car broke down last November and I have had to rely on my son’s girlfriend to take me to appointments and grocery shop once a month with $200 to get what is needed in the house and feed myself! (Which is why I can’t afford to get proper food). Her car broke down a couple of weeks ago.  She had taken the money out of her Christmas club account before it broke down, which was supposed to go towards the car, but it did not and is ALL gone now!  It is looking like it will be, at the very least, $500 + to fix it, none of us have the money…

I have to wait until fall, when it cools of here, before I can go through the shed and then have a yard sale for some money.  I will have to save every penny of it, because I will have to go live with my parents!  I will loose my home and privacy!  I have to find homes for my animals and put two of them down that are old!  But, I will be able to eat right and not have to worry about how I will get to appointments.  I am not sure what will happen when I switch my pain doctor to down there either.  Just when I finally got on something that helps some!  I don’t understand how I ended up here.  I worked hard, made good money and built a great life.  But, I married two very shitty men that fucked me over!  What do I do when my parents both die?  They are in their 70’s…

I try so hard to be positive and not think of the past or speculate the future!  It never seems to fail, my birthday always puts me in the dark place!  I also end up there every year on the date my son died, well actually it starts a good week before then!  I spend Halloween through New Years there as well.  The Holidays and my deceased sons birthday is in December too…

I have NO friends here and I rarely get out of my house.  I actually only have one friend and she has been my friend since we were ten years old, but she lives far away!  I miss friends, but here, everyone is either an alcoholic or on drugs!  So, I live just me in every way!  I have NO desire for another man in my life!  I NEED complete Peace & Quiet in order to not have massive Panic issues.  I just can’t deal with a mans B.S. anymore..

I go through spells where I feel it would all just be so much easier if I just dropped dead!  Oh how many times I have begged GOD to bring me back home!  I can’t take my own life, so that is the ONLY way…

(Here is a pic of my cupcakes)………….

Thinking About My Chilhood…

I can remember back to age 4.  Of course, some of those memories are not good at all and some are just strange…

As a kid, I would get sick often and when I had a fever I would see colored spots, so I always knew when I had a fever.  I also felt like a hand was after me all the time.  I have memories of being out back eating at the picnic table with family and that hand trying to get me there too.  At this point, I don’t know if it was just nightmares that stuck with me or what!  

I always knew when the phone was going to ring and if the call my siblings tried to make would be busy on the other end.  I have always had some kind of a connection to spirit.  I also had a friend no one else could see, Elizabeth, she stayed with me until I was an adult.  My son that passed away told me he saw her a few weeks before he died…

I can remember watching my siblings get on the bus for school when I was 4 years old.  I would stand in the large picture window and watch them.  I am much younger than all of my siblings.  From 8 years younger to 11 years younger.  I remember playing in the laundry basket with the clothes pins watching Seaseme Street, then my mother yelling at me and choking me until I passed out.  My sister told me that my mom threw me into the picture window when I was 2 years old, but I do not remember that.  My mom has the mental issue that run in this family, though I can’t figure out where she got them from.  Her mother did not have them, but her father died before I was born…

My brother is the oldest and then I have three sisters.  All of us girls were beat.  I heard my mom say she doesn’t like girls when I was an adult.  Funny thing is, I am the only one that never held a grudge against my mom for the beatings, out of my siblings…

When I was 10 years old, we had to move from NY to Canada.  Moving as a kid sucks!  Canada was ok, I made a few friends, but we were only there for 3 months, then moved to IL.  IL is where kids were very cruel to me!  I often wonder what mylife would be like now if we had stayed in NY.  I dreaded going to school.  I would get very sick to my tummy every Sunday night!  If only I knew then what I know now…

We can’t change the past!  We also cannot be stuck in the past, that just brings negative emotions.  We have to find a way to accept what ever has occurred and move on!  One day at a time, we get through the day!  I finally have come to a place where I am able to toss out the old.  I made a memories book, then threw out all the remaining photos I had, which were a lot! My son has been gone for over 13 years now, so I made a book of him and tossed the rest.  I have always had a cabinet filled with some of his things and I will keep that until I can no longer bring it with me…

 I have been through so much in this life already.  I will be 47 on Monday and I was beat as a child, I have been raped, I have lost a child, been married three times and the last two cheated and left (I left the first after 5 yrs due to him being an alcoholic & we married too young, the next one lasted 16 yrs and the last for 7 yrs), I have been homeless, my daughter is a drug addict and has beat me (she lives on the streets & is often in jail),  my youngest is an insulin dependent diabetic plus an alcoholic and has also beat me (my son that died was the only one who was good to me), I was on my death bed and had to have a giant surgery to save my life while is was recovering my last husband left me, I struggle to make ends meet and even eat…

But, I have come to a place I never thought I would get!  I no longer have a need inside of me to be with a man!  I always felt I had to be with someone!   I have been single for two years now.  I tried dating the first year, but I just couldn’t find someone I could stand…lol!  So, I chose a year ago to just be me and not date or even look for someone else.  Guess what I found?  I LOVE being just ME!  I also found that I NEED Peace, Quiet and Calm in order to feel decent.  It truly is amazing.  I have NO desire to keep coloring my hair, so I am no longer doing that and letting my hair grow out!  No need to impress anyone and no need to attract men that just seem to want sex…lol!  I don’t even wear makeup anymore…

BTW- I HATE autocorrect…lol!

A Lost Soul….

I never thought I would be here going on 47 years old!  I work and built a great life, then my son died and my husband left and everything went to hell!  I lost a part of me when my son died and my husband chose drugs and cheating over the family we had…

Then, I thought I found true love again, but he was just a lie.  He pretended for almost 3 years to be the perfect guy.  How does someone do that for so long?  His real self came out and I spent years with a liar, thief and just a plain crappy person, because I married him.  He was too young and he left while I was fighting for my life.  I often wish I had died then!  

For 2 years now I have been alone, though I prefer being just me over being with a shitty man.  I feel lonely often, not lonely for a man in my life, but just a friend.  It seems everyone here is either an alcoholic or on drugs.  With my chronic pain, panic, anxiety and agoraphobia I have become a hermit in my home.  No vehicle or money, so I am stuck here anyway…

How did I get here?  I did everything right!  I chose shitty be in my life.  I know going to live with my parents is best for me, but at the same time I feel like I am loosing so much.  I will be able to eat right there and I will actually get to go out and do things.  I have to find a doctor willing to take me on and all my problems and not change my meds!  

I just don’t know why I am even here.  I spend every moment in pain and misery.  Why the heck didn’t I die two years ago?  There has to be a reason!  No one deserves to live on this much pain and misery and be alone…  

Ramblings of a Lost Soul…

I have had a very hard time this last week.  Sometimes, full moons affect me mentally and this one sure has, I feel like I am going to snap and loose it completely!   I also have my 6 year old grandson here for a visit.  He has been here for almost 4 weeks now and he has mental issues as well.  His anger has been high this last week and he just can not control himself or behave.  Which makes me even more unstable mentally!

My adult son, that lives with me, has done nothing to help me with my grandson.  I shouldn’t be surprised, but I really thought he would help me!  I have horrible pain and I just can’t do it all, but I have had too, so my pain has been very high.  I am tired of being mentally abused by my son as well.  Like When he gets in my face and says, “What are you going to do about, Nothing!”  Which is why I have chosen to go live with my parents in Florida, but I have to go through everything here and try to sell what I can.  

I can’t afford to eat right and $200 a month in Foodstamps doesn’t get you much at all.  I have nothing left after paying for this house!  I thought when I divorced my sons father I would no longer be mentally abused.  I refuse to suffer any longer, but it will take me months to get through things here.  I get sick in the heat and it is so hot and humid here, so I can’t do the shed or the yard sale until October!  I am hoping to find a pain doctor in Florida that will be willing to take me on.  It took five years to get the right meds for my pain, they are helping, though I will always have pain and very bad days.  I do not want any of it changed after all this time of finding something that actually helps!  

I am finally divorced from my last husband!  He was so wonderful in the beginning, it took three years before the real him came out completely.  He is 16 years younger than me and he acted like everything I ever wanted in a man, until we were together 3 years.  Then the real him came out, a liar and a thief.  He left me for 5-6 weeks, then came back.  The last year we were together was horrible!  I had a hysterectomy, they thought I may have cancer, which I did not.  He wasn’t there for me at all!  Then I was dying and it took 3 weeks for the doctor to figure out that he cut my ureter in the surgery.  6 weeks to the day of the first surgery, I had to have a massive surgery to save my life.  My husband was shitty as hell to me!  He left in September of 2014 after I found out he was cheating!  The divorce wasn’t final until this month!  It is over now, another chunk of my life wasted!  I dated for a bit, but every single guy just seemed to want sex.  So I started eating and gained 20 pounds and I have not dated at all since then.  I do not want to be with any man!  Unless a man comes along that will court me, it will never happen again!  I am 47 years old next month, I have been married 3 times!  I am DONE…  I do not want to deal with the drama and BS of a man in my life again…

I am overwhelmed and so stressed out.  In my darkest hour, the only ones that were here for me where my Mom (who is in FL) and my best friend, Lora, but she lives far away!  I couldn’t believe it, no one else was here for me at all!  I had always been there for everyone!  Not even one of my friends, that has been my friend since age 10!  Not my sister, who I always went to when ever she needed me!  I am and have been completely alone for at least 2 years now… 😰. I have found myself preferring to stay inside and away from everything.  I haven’t had a vehicle since last Novemebr either.  So, I am basically stuck here anyway!  I was supposed to get my grandson back this Friday, meet half way in Chattanooga, but my son said they will NOT do it and they have the only car here.  Real nice huh!  I have only stayed here broke and suffering so my son had a home… Fuck that!

For the life of me, I cannot figure out how I deserve this hell I live in!  I have always been a Good person!  I can’t handle my pain condition and my own mental crap even…  I have wanted to die more than ever in this year!  I could NEVER take my own life, but I have prayed several times for GOD to just take me back home already. No one should have to suffer like this… 😢 😰 😡 😤 😱 😥 😖

It’s Been Awhile… 

I have been having a very hard time this year!  My Chronic Pain has been very high and I do not have a support system or help.  I feel very alone, yet I do not want to deal with anyone either.  The depression sneaks in often, which is normal when pain levels are too high.  I try just to get through each day as they come, yet I have had some really bad times, where I am just Sick of being here…

It is impossible for anyone to even comprehend the hell of chronic pain, unless they too have it!  Trying to explain it is a waste of time and air.  I would never wish it on anyone and I often wonder what I did to deserve this hell!  I had always been there for others and helped everyone I could.  You sure do find out who really cares for you or loves you when you are down and out!  I have one friend, that I have had since age 10.  That is it!  She lives far away though.  Even family has forgot I even exist, except for my mother, who also lives far away…

I raised my grandson from birth to age 5, then he went to live with his father.  This was Important, to get him away from his mother (my daughter) who is a drug addict and gets violent.  My daughter lives on the streets or friends houses and all she cares about is getting high!  I missed him like crazy, but I have him for a short visit this summer.  I had not seen him in a year.  I love him more than anything!  Unfortunately, my son and his girlfriend, will not help me at all and with my chronic pain I have some very difficult times each day.  I get tears in my eyes every day from the pain and it is hard to explain to a 6 year old what is going on with me.  All I can do is my best each day, for him and for me to get through!  I really hate that my only living son won’t help me. But he will run and help the neighbors in a heartbeat.  He is an alcoholic, so he will do anything if he will get money or beer for it!  I try to survive on a very small fixed income each month, that leaves me with $50 after the mortgage…

 Lately, my son has been saying things like, “What are you going to do about it, Nothing!” When he gets in my face or I have to get onto him for breaking things in my home.  I don’t understand how my two living kids turned out this way!  My one son, who passed away at age 16, was the only good one!  He always talked to me and was there for me.  My kids were raised with morals and knowing what is right or wrong!  Yet my daughter is exactly like her father, who had not been in her life at all since she was 1 1/2 years old!  She is now 27!  My son is exactly like his father, but he was in his life until he was 14!  He is now 24!  His father was a great dad,until my oldest died and we had to move.  Then he got into drugs and cheated then left us all.  He has nothing to do with his son, ever since then!  I have only paid the mortgage so my son has a home and I have animals that I would have to find homes for if I left.  Now I am only staying because of the animals!  I have a cat that is anti social so I don’t think she would ever get adopted and I have a dog, that is very old.  I know I have to get out of here though, so I will have to spend months trying to sell things and find homes for my animals, before I can go live with my parents.  I cannot keep staying in such a negative environment, but I can’t tell my son I am leaving, because he will destroy everything here if I do…

I FEEL AFTER TIME, BEING AT MY PARENTS, I WILL FEEL MUCH BETTER …… It is just getting everything done so I can go there that is the issue…  

Grief & Pain Goes On Forever…

Some background information:

My oldest child died in a car accident in 2003.  I have severe chronic pain.  I also have the following conditions:  Major Depression, Panic Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Hypertension, Glaucoma, Arthritis-Osteo, Pinched/Bulged Nerves, Nerve Damage, Bursitis, several issues in the entire spine (cervical-tail bone), I am Disabled and I have been Married & Divorced 3 times (last 2 cheated & left me)…

Next month will be 13 years since my son died at age 16, in a car accident.  I always begin to have issues in May and in October until January 2(Halloween, Thanksgiving, his Birthday, Christmas and New Years Eve).  This year has been very raw, pain like I felt right after he passed.  I have found myself balling my eyes out at random times.  I have no clue why it is so very raw this year…

I have also been feeling extremely alone.  My sister, that I have always been close too, never emails me first.  She responds to my emails, but that’s all.  I did not email her for months and I have no heard from her at all.  My other sister and brother Never contact me.  My mother will email me if she doesn’t hear from me for a few days.  That’s it!  I would always vent to my mom, but it has been stressing her out and I don’t want to cause her any stress, so I am not doing that anymore…  

I am filled with questions like, “Why wasn’t I ever good enough?”  For my ex-husbands.  “Why am I even here?”  Every single day, every minute, I am in pain both physical and emotional.  I am completely alone.  I have one friend and she lives far away, I don’t hear from her much at all, but I miss her horribly.  No one to talk too or share things with.  I chose to not even try to have a relationship over a year ago, because every single guy I met only seemed to care about looks and sex.  I want a meaningful relationship, not casual sex! I rarely ever get out of my house.  I no longer have a running vehicle and I live well below the poverty line.  Finding things to eat is not fun at all!  I gained weight from being laid up for months, now I have some help with the pain, but not enough for me to be able to walk more than 100 steps.  I want to move around enough to loose the 20 pounds I gained!  This is NO Life…

The only person that would be affected by my death is my son.  Though, he does not take the time to even talk with me or spend time with me.  He would loose his home if I were no longer here.  I pay the mortgage and have nothing left after…

I know I feel better when I eat only naturally occurring foods, but I can’t afford that.  I have to get what I can, to try to make it, an entire month on $100!  I have tried to plant vegetables and no matter what I do, something kills them off.  They do good for the first half of growing, then they die.  I have even tried to do a raised bed on the driveway, but they are dying off!  I don’t have money to buy anything to help with whatever is going wrong.  I barely have any full sun areas available now, the large shade tree has grown out so much it covers up pretty much everywhere.  We need that shade, it gets so hot and humid here from May through September.  Though, I wish I could cut it back where I need the sun, but it is too far up…  UGH…….  And, how am I going to pay the electric bill with the A/C running?  When I lived in Southern IL, I was able to get all kinds of help.  Here there is Nothing…

I have found myself just WISHING I would not care and not think anymore…  The physical pain is bad enough, but this emotional hell on top of it all is just too much!  I wonder if things like this are what cause some people to become alcoholics or drug addicts.  I have heard many say they just could not deal with things, so they turned to drugs and alcohol to not have to deal.  I HATE alcohol and I don’t like not being in control of my mind, so I guess those are out for me…  

Fear is what keeps me here.  Fear won’t let me take my own life, so I am stuck here no matter what!  I fear screwing it up and being even worse off than I already am.  I fear that there is NOTHING on the other side of death.  I fear PAIN, even though I am in a lot of pain every moment of my life…

So here I am, basically Stuck here, in constant physical pain and almost constant emotional pain, without being able to even get the proper food to eat.   Without a vehicle to go anywhere or do anything.  Far away from my entire family and one friend I have had since age ten… A L O N E…

I also know that keeping the mind occupied is very important for being able to deal with chronic pain.  Normally I would do a craft, draw or color, but with the emotional crap I  have been unable to find a single thing that I want to do or even try to do!  It is a viscous circle!  The only thing I have been able to do is watch TV.  It helps while I am enthralled with the show, but that is more laying around doing nothing.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I wish they would hurry up and make insurance cover online counseling.  I have no way to get to a therapist, so talking to one online would be the only way, but I don’t have money to pay for it.  My psychiatrist dropped me a year ago saying my insurance wasn’t paying.  It is the only place here that takes my insurance and it took me a year to get in there!   What am I supposed to do?  I am literally stuck in my home!  I have a ride twice a month for doctor appointments…

I have one grandchild, I raised him from birth (my daughter is a drug addict).  He is 6 years old and as of last June, he now lives with his father far away…

Every single day is the same… REPEAT…  I have always been a good person and chose the right things to do.  How the hell do I deserve this life now?  They say to spend a year just being with yourself and not Ina relationship.  I have more than done that.  Now what?  I don’t know if I can even trust another man anyway, let alone all they seem to want is sex and I am not doing that.  Casual sex does nothing for me.  But sex in a relationship with Love, is amazing…