A Lost Soul….

I never thought I would be here going on 47 years old!  I work and built a great life, then my son died and my husband left and everything went to hell!  I lost a part of me when my son died and my husband chose drugs and cheating over the family we had…

Then, I thought I found true love again, but he was just a lie.  He pretended for almost 3 years to be the perfect guy.  How does someone do that for so long?  His real self came out and I spent years with a liar, thief and just a plain crappy person, because I married him.  He was too young and he left while I was fighting for my life.  I often wish I had died then!  

For 2 years now I have been alone, though I prefer being just me over being with a shitty man.  I feel lonely often, not lonely for a man in my life, but just a friend.  It seems everyone here is either an alcoholic or on drugs.  With my chronic pain, panic, anxiety and agoraphobia I have become a hermit in my home.  No vehicle or money, so I am stuck here anyway…

How did I get here?  I did everything right!  I chose shitty be in my life.  I know going to live with my parents is best for me, but at the same time I feel like I am loosing so much.  I will be able to eat right there and I will actually get to go out and do things.  I have to find a doctor willing to take me on and all my problems and not change my meds!  

I just don’t know why I am even here.  I spend every moment in pain and misery.  Why the heck didn’t I die two years ago?  There has to be a reason!  No one deserves to live on this much pain and misery and be alone…  

Ramblings of a Lost Soul…

I have had a very hard time this last week.  Sometimes, full moons affect me mentally and this one sure has, I feel like I am going to snap and loose it completely!   I also have my 6 year old grandson here for a visit.  He has been here for almost 4 weeks now and he has mental issues as well.  His anger has been high this last week and he just can not control himself or behave.  Which makes me even more unstable mentally!

My adult son, that lives with me, has done nothing to help me with my grandson.  I shouldn’t be surprised, but I really thought he would help me!  I have horrible pain and I just can’t do it all, but I have had too, so my pain has been very high.  I am tired of being mentally abused by my son as well.  Like When he gets in my face and says, “What are you going to do about, Nothing!”  Which is why I have chosen to go live with my parents in Florida, but I have to go through everything here and try to sell what I can.  

I can’t afford to eat right and $200 a month in Foodstamps doesn’t get you much at all.  I have nothing left after paying for this house!  I thought when I divorced my sons father I would no longer be mentally abused.  I refuse to suffer any longer, but it will take me months to get through things here.  I get sick in the heat and it is so hot and humid here, so I can’t do the shed or the yard sale until October!  I am hoping to find a pain doctor in Florida that will be willing to take me on.  It took five years to get the right meds for my pain, they are helping, though I will always have pain and very bad days.  I do not want any of it changed after all this time of finding something that actually helps!  

I am finally divorced from my last husband!  He was so wonderful in the beginning, it took three years before the real him came out completely.  He is 16 years younger than me and he acted like everything I ever wanted in a man, until we were together 3 years.  Then the real him came out, a liar and a thief.  He left me for 5-6 weeks, then came back.  The last year we were together was horrible!  I had a hysterectomy, they thought I may have cancer, which I did not.  He wasn’t there for me at all!  Then I was dying and it took 3 weeks for the doctor to figure out that he cut my ureter in the surgery.  6 weeks to the day of the first surgery, I had to have a massive surgery to save my life.  My husband was shitty as hell to me!  He left in September of 2014 after I found out he was cheating!  The divorce wasn’t final until this month!  It is over now, another chunk of my life wasted!  I dated for a bit, but every single guy just seemed to want sex.  So I started eating and gained 20 pounds and I have not dated at all since then.  I do not want to be with any man!  Unless a man comes along that will court me, it will never happen again!  I am 47 years old next month, I have been married 3 times!  I am DONE…  I do not want to deal with the drama and BS of a man in my life again…

I am overwhelmed and so stressed out.  In my darkest hour, the only ones that were here for me where my Mom (who is in FL) and my best friend, Lora, but she lives far away!  I couldn’t believe it, no one else was here for me at all!  I had always been there for everyone!  Not even one of my friends, that has been my friend since age 10!  Not my sister, who I always went to when ever she needed me!  I am and have been completely alone for at least 2 years now… 😰. I have found myself preferring to stay inside and away from everything.  I haven’t had a vehicle since last Novemebr either.  So, I am basically stuck here anyway!  I was supposed to get my grandson back this Friday, meet half way in Chattanooga, but my son said they will NOT do it and they have the only car here.  Real nice huh!  I have only stayed here broke and suffering so my son had a home… Fuck that!

For the life of me, I cannot figure out how I deserve this hell I live in!  I have always been a Good person!  I can’t handle my pain condition and my own mental crap even…  I have wanted to die more than ever in this year!  I could NEVER take my own life, but I have prayed several times for GOD to just take me back home already. No one should have to suffer like this… 😢 😰 😡 😤 😱 😥 😖

It’s Been Awhile… 

I have been having a very hard time this year!  My Chronic Pain has been very high and I do not have a support system or help.  I feel very alone, yet I do not want to deal with anyone either.  The depression sneaks in often, which is normal when pain levels are too high.  I try just to get through each day as they come, yet I have had some really bad times, where I am just Sick of being here…

It is impossible for anyone to even comprehend the hell of chronic pain, unless they too have it!  Trying to explain it is a waste of time and air.  I would never wish it on anyone and I often wonder what I did to deserve this hell!  I had always been there for others and helped everyone I could.  You sure do find out who really cares for you or loves you when you are down and out!  I have one friend, that I have had since age 10.  That is it!  She lives far away though.  Even family has forgot I even exist, except for my mother, who also lives far away…

I raised my grandson from birth to age 5, then he went to live with his father.  This was Important, to get him away from his mother (my daughter) who is a drug addict and gets violent.  My daughter lives on the streets or friends houses and all she cares about is getting high!  I missed him like crazy, but I have him for a short visit this summer.  I had not seen him in a year.  I love him more than anything!  Unfortunately, my son and his girlfriend, will not help me at all and with my chronic pain I have some very difficult times each day.  I get tears in my eyes every day from the pain and it is hard to explain to a 6 year old what is going on with me.  All I can do is my best each day, for him and for me to get through!  I really hate that my only living son won’t help me. But he will run and help the neighbors in a heartbeat.  He is an alcoholic, so he will do anything if he will get money or beer for it!  I try to survive on a very small fixed income each month, that leaves me with $50 after the mortgage…

 Lately, my son has been saying things like, “What are you going to do about it, Nothing!” When he gets in my face or I have to get onto him for breaking things in my home.  I don’t understand how my two living kids turned out this way!  My one son, who passed away at age 16, was the only good one!  He always talked to me and was there for me.  My kids were raised with morals and knowing what is right or wrong!  Yet my daughter is exactly like her father, who had not been in her life at all since she was 1 1/2 years old!  She is now 27!  My son is exactly like his father, but he was in his life until he was 14!  He is now 24!  His father was a great dad,until my oldest died and we had to move.  Then he got into drugs and cheated then left us all.  He has nothing to do with his son, ever since then!  I have only paid the mortgage so my son has a home and I have animals that I would have to find homes for if I left.  Now I am only staying because of the animals!  I have a cat that is anti social so I don’t think she would ever get adopted and I have a dog, that is very old.  I know I have to get out of here though, so I will have to spend months trying to sell things and find homes for my animals, before I can go live with my parents.  I cannot keep staying in such a negative environment, but I can’t tell my son I am leaving, because he will destroy everything here if I do…

I FEEL AFTER TIME, BEING AT MY PARENTS, I WILL FEEL MUCH BETTER …… It is just getting everything done so I can go there that is the issue…  

Grief & Pain Goes On Forever…

Some background information:

My oldest child died in a car accident in 2003.  I have severe chronic pain.  I also have the following conditions:  Major Depression, Panic Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Hypertension, Glaucoma, Arthritis-Osteo, Pinched/Bulged Nerves, Nerve Damage, Bursitis, several issues in the entire spine (cervical-tail bone), I am Disabled and I have been Married & Divorced 3 times (last 2 cheated & left me)…

Next month will be 13 years since my son died at age 16, in a car accident.  I always begin to have issues in May and in October until January 2(Halloween, Thanksgiving, his Birthday, Christmas and New Years Eve).  This year has been very raw, pain like I felt right after he passed.  I have found myself balling my eyes out at random times.  I have no clue why it is so very raw this year…

I have also been feeling extremely alone.  My sister, that I have always been close too, never emails me first.  She responds to my emails, but that’s all.  I did not email her for months and I have no heard from her at all.  My other sister and brother Never contact me.  My mother will email me if she doesn’t hear from me for a few days.  That’s it!  I would always vent to my mom, but it has been stressing her out and I don’t want to cause her any stress, so I am not doing that anymore…  

I am filled with questions like, “Why wasn’t I ever good enough?”  For my ex-husbands.  “Why am I even here?”  Every single day, every minute, I am in pain both physical and emotional.  I am completely alone.  I have one friend and she lives far away, I don’t hear from her much at all, but I miss her horribly.  No one to talk too or share things with.  I chose to not even try to have a relationship over a year ago, because every single guy I met only seemed to care about looks and sex.  I want a meaningful relationship, not casual sex! I rarely ever get out of my house.  I no longer have a running vehicle and I live well below the poverty line.  Finding things to eat is not fun at all!  I gained weight from being laid up for months, now I have some help with the pain, but not enough for me to be able to walk more than 100 steps.  I want to move around enough to loose the 20 pounds I gained!  This is NO Life…

The only person that would be affected by my death is my son.  Though, he does not take the time to even talk with me or spend time with me.  He would loose his home if I were no longer here.  I pay the mortgage and have nothing left after…

I know I feel better when I eat only naturally occurring foods, but I can’t afford that.  I have to get what I can, to try to make it, an entire month on $100!  I have tried to plant vegetables and no matter what I do, something kills them off.  They do good for the first half of growing, then they die.  I have even tried to do a raised bed on the driveway, but they are dying off!  I don’t have money to buy anything to help with whatever is going wrong.  I barely have any full sun areas available now, the large shade tree has grown out so much it covers up pretty much everywhere.  We need that shade, it gets so hot and humid here from May through September.  Though, I wish I could cut it back where I need the sun, but it is too far up…  UGH…….  And, how am I going to pay the electric bill with the A/C running?  When I lived in Southern IL, I was able to get all kinds of help.  Here there is Nothing…

I have found myself just WISHING I would not care and not think anymore…  The physical pain is bad enough, but this emotional hell on top of it all is just too much!  I wonder if things like this are what cause some people to become alcoholics or drug addicts.  I have heard many say they just could not deal with things, so they turned to drugs and alcohol to not have to deal.  I HATE alcohol and I don’t like not being in control of my mind, so I guess those are out for me…  

Fear is what keeps me here.  Fear won’t let me take my own life, so I am stuck here no matter what!  I fear screwing it up and being even worse off than I already am.  I fear that there is NOTHING on the other side of death.  I fear PAIN, even though I am in a lot of pain every moment of my life…

So here I am, basically Stuck here, in constant physical pain and almost constant emotional pain, without being able to even get the proper food to eat.   Without a vehicle to go anywhere or do anything.  Far away from my entire family and one friend I have had since age ten… A L O N E…

I also know that keeping the mind occupied is very important for being able to deal with chronic pain.  Normally I would do a craft, draw or color, but with the emotional crap I  have been unable to find a single thing that I want to do or even try to do!  It is a viscous circle!  The only thing I have been able to do is watch TV.  It helps while I am enthralled with the show, but that is more laying around doing nothing.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I wish they would hurry up and make insurance cover online counseling.  I have no way to get to a therapist, so talking to one online would be the only way, but I don’t have money to pay for it.  My psychiatrist dropped me a year ago saying my insurance wasn’t paying.  It is the only place here that takes my insurance and it took me a year to get in there!   What am I supposed to do?  I am literally stuck in my home!  I have a ride twice a month for doctor appointments…

I have one grandchild, I raised him from birth (my daughter is a drug addict).  He is 6 years old and as of last June, he now lives with his father far away…

Every single day is the same… REPEAT…  I have always been a good person and chose the right things to do.  How the hell do I deserve this life now?  They say to spend a year just being with yourself and not Ina relationship.  I have more than done that.  Now what?  I don’t know if I can even trust another man anyway, let alone all they seem to want is sex and I am not doing that.  Casual sex does nothing for me.  But sex in a relationship with Love, is amazing… 

Why Am I Even Here…

I don’t understand why I am even here anymore!  I live every moment of my life in pain.  I can barely even care for myself anymore.  My feet are numb, yet hurt so bad I don’t want to ever be on them.  I no longer have a running vehicle.  I can’t afford to buy food that is good for me and would help me feel better.  I barely survive…

I am grateful for my home!  I thank God every day for it.  Though, my mind feels under constant seize.  Sad, lost and alone.  I have chose to remain just me, as I have found I no longer am able to trust another, let alone feel love.  I have no desire to be with another man, but I do wish my best friend lived here.  To have someone to talk too…  Yet, I find myself preferring to be alone.  Having been married three times and having the last two cheat and leave me, surely has added to all of this.  I found men all seemed to just want sex, so I stopped applying make up or doing my hair.  I was always afraid to be alone.  Now I have come to a place where I do not want to be with another, something I never thought possible.  Though, it is most likely due to no longer having a uterus or ovaries, hormones…

Since 1995, I have dealt with Anxiety, Panic and at times Agoraphobia.  It took me a few years to teach myself to not notice other people, so I could go to the store without having full blown panic attacks.  I have had Depression my entire life.  Even as a small child, I recall feeling very sad and empty…

My two greatest fears were being abandoned and being in pain.  Now I live with both of those.  So, find a way to get passed your fears or you will surely live them!  Now, I wake to horrid pain and spend every waking moment in pain, wishing I would not ever wake again. Barely able to even care for myself or to do the basic chores required of a home.  I am on edge, irritable and empty.  Even noise seems to drive me mad in my mind!  I need it quiet, but my adult son lives with me and when he is home it is rarely quiet.  He will play music loudly in his room, causing my head to feel like it will surely explode.  I do not like to ever leave the house, which I only do when I have a doctors appointment and once a month to obtain groceries with the little I have.  I know eating only naturely occurring food helps with much of my issues, but I only have $150 a month to buy food and household items with.  When you eat only naturely occurring foods, you need a lot of them to sustain you…

I am constantly reminded that the rich can obtain what they need and the poor are left to suffer.  I can not see the point of letting myself suffer every moment of my life, yet I could never end my own life.  I was on my death bed in the summer of 2014, I had a huge surgery to save my life!  For what?  I keep telling myself that I am here for a reason and one day I will have the answers.  As if dealing with a great deal of pain wasn’t bad enough, I also have a depressed and lost mind.  My husband left me a month after that surgery, when I discovered messages from him to his friend stating he was seeing a girl at work.  I asked him to come home and talk, to do something to save the marriage.  He came home only to pack his things and leave, all while I was recovering from a huge surgery that saved my life…

I think of how I wasted all the years when my children were young and when I actually had a family.  I never felt happy, everything was always a great effort for me.  Constantly trying to do the right thing.  I never allowed myself to enjoy the family I had.  Consumed by worry, scared I would loose one of my children.  Only to have my oldest taken from me in a car accident when he was only 16!  A life wasted to worry, fear, stress, depression, panic and anxiety.  Then I was beaten by a gang of men who were going after my neighbor in 2010.  That was the beginning of chronic pain, that has become worse each and every year…

So, I ask this, “Why I am here?”  Surely, I do not deserve so much pain and suffering.  I spent a lifetime choosing what was right, good and just.  No one deserves to be in constant pain and to have a depressed mind with flares of Anxiety and Panic, no matter what they have done or have not done………….

Advil Film-Coated Review…

I was given samples of Advil Film-Coated and I have to say, it has helped a great deal with my pain.

1.  No tummy upset

2.  Worked in 15 minutes

3.  Taken with my prescription medication, it greatly increased its effectiveness

This is the first time I have reviewed a product in my blog and I felt I needed too.  

I spend every day of my life dealing with chronic pain.  Often, my prescription medication would not help enough to get me through the day and I would suffer so much.  Finding something that did not upset my stomach, worked fast and helped so much, was a God Send!  I had used Advil Liquid Gels before, but I have found the Film-Coated works better.  I was able to get back to crocheting, which is my passion, and it helps to occupy my mind away from the pain.  Much of my pain is increased due to inflammation, which Advil works on quickly.  My prescription medication does not have acetaminophen or ibuprofen in it, so it is safe to take the Advil Film-Coated Tablets with my prescription medication.  I also only needed to take 2 of the Advil Film-Coated Tablets twice per day.

   
 

Tired of being screwed because I am Poor…

I have shopped at Amazon.com for many many years.  Now they have made several items I get only available to Prime Members.  I try to survive on my very small disability income and I do everything I possibly can to obtain gift cards for Amazon in order to get things I need.  They also have increased the minimum purchase for free shipping if you are not Prime to $49!  I would get Prime if I could, but I cannot!  I am so tired of being screwed over because I am poor…

I messaged them in regaurds to this and of course, no one really cares!  They gave my a $20 Promotion Code.  I still can’t buy many things I used to get there cheaper than anywhere now, because I can not afford Prime!  Maybe if enough poor people complained to Amazon they would do something about it.  Every place is just after money and for themselves.  What ever happened to caring people, the ones who would help others?  It seems that the world has long been only about themselves…

I live every moment of my life in Pain, Chronic Pain, that is never gone; but often gets horrid!  When you are poor, you’re not able to obtain help that could benefit you or get supplements that may help you and so on…

I have a mortgage and I get $810 a month!  I can’t even cover all of the utilities, yet where I live, I cannot even get help with them!  I cannot live anywhere else for as low as my mortgage is either.  I am very grateful for my home though!  I just wish I wasn’t constantly screwed over…

I often see posts about how people who get Foodstamps eat so well.  It sure is not the case for me.  Tell me how I am supposed to eat on $150 a month?  I do not have any money to buy an extra food either, so what I get on Foodstamps is it!  I feel best when I eat healthy, yet I can afford to do that…

I no longer have a running vehicle, I am unable to repair it, because I have NO money!  There is rotten wood on my house, but I can’t fix it, because I have nothing left after the mortgage and what I can cover of utilities!  I am at my wits end, as if it isn’t horrid enough to live every single day of my life in pain………….