Grief & Pain Goes On Forever…

Some background information:

My oldest child died in a car accident in 2003.  I have severe chronic pain.  I also have the following conditions:  Major Depression, Panic Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Hypertension, Glaucoma, Arthritis-Osteo, Pinched/Bulged Nerves, Nerve Damage, Bursitis, several issues in the entire spine (cervical-tail bone), I am Disabled and I have been Married & Divorced 3 times (last 2 cheated & left me)…

Next month will be 13 years since my son died at age 16, in a car accident.  I always begin to have issues in May and in October until January 2(Halloween, Thanksgiving, his Birthday, Christmas and New Years Eve).  This year has been very raw, pain like I felt right after he passed.  I have found myself balling my eyes out at random times.  I have no clue why it is so very raw this year…

I have also been feeling extremely alone.  My sister, that I have always been close too, never emails me first.  She responds to my emails, but that’s all.  I did not email her for months and I have no heard from her at all.  My other sister and brother Never contact me.  My mother will email me if she doesn’t hear from me for a few days.  That’s it!  I would always vent to my mom, but it has been stressing her out and I don’t want to cause her any stress, so I am not doing that anymore…  

I am filled with questions like, “Why wasn’t I ever good enough?”  For my ex-husbands.  “Why am I even here?”  Every single day, every minute, I am in pain both physical and emotional.  I am completely alone.  I have one friend and she lives far away, I don’t hear from her much at all, but I miss her horribly.  No one to talk too or share things with.  I chose to not even try to have a relationship over a year ago, because every single guy I met only seemed to care about looks and sex.  I want a meaningful relationship, not casual sex! I rarely ever get out of my house.  I no longer have a running vehicle and I live well below the poverty line.  Finding things to eat is not fun at all!  I gained weight from being laid up for months, now I have some help with the pain, but not enough for me to be able to walk more than 100 steps.  I want to move around enough to loose the 20 pounds I gained!  This is NO Life…

The only person that would be affected by my death is my son.  Though, he does not take the time to even talk with me or spend time with me.  He would loose his home if I were no longer here.  I pay the mortgage and have nothing left after…

I know I feel better when I eat only naturally occurring foods, but I can’t afford that.  I have to get what I can, to try to make it, an entire month on $100!  I have tried to plant vegetables and no matter what I do, something kills them off.  They do good for the first half of growing, then they die.  I have even tried to do a raised bed on the driveway, but they are dying off!  I don’t have money to buy anything to help with whatever is going wrong.  I barely have any full sun areas available now, the large shade tree has grown out so much it covers up pretty much everywhere.  We need that shade, it gets so hot and humid here from May through September.  Though, I wish I could cut it back where I need the sun, but it is too far up…  UGH…….  And, how am I going to pay the electric bill with the A/C running?  When I lived in Southern IL, I was able to get all kinds of help.  Here there is Nothing…

I have found myself just WISHING I would not care and not think anymore…  The physical pain is bad enough, but this emotional hell on top of it all is just too much!  I wonder if things like this are what cause some people to become alcoholics or drug addicts.  I have heard many say they just could not deal with things, so they turned to drugs and alcohol to not have to deal.  I HATE alcohol and I don’t like not being in control of my mind, so I guess those are out for me…  

Fear is what keeps me here.  Fear won’t let me take my own life, so I am stuck here no matter what!  I fear screwing it up and being even worse off than I already am.  I fear that there is NOTHING on the other side of death.  I fear PAIN, even though I am in a lot of pain every moment of my life…

So here I am, basically Stuck here, in constant physical pain and almost constant emotional pain, without being able to even get the proper food to eat.   Without a vehicle to go anywhere or do anything.  Far away from my entire family and one friend I have had since age ten… A L O N E…

I also know that keeping the mind occupied is very important for being able to deal with chronic pain.  Normally I would do a craft, draw or color, but with the emotional crap I  have been unable to find a single thing that I want to do or even try to do!  It is a viscous circle!  The only thing I have been able to do is watch TV.  It helps while I am enthralled with the show, but that is more laying around doing nothing.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I wish they would hurry up and make insurance cover online counseling.  I have no way to get to a therapist, so talking to one online would be the only way, but I don’t have money to pay for it.  My psychiatrist dropped me a year ago saying my insurance wasn’t paying.  It is the only place here that takes my insurance and it took me a year to get in there!   What am I supposed to do?  I am literally stuck in my home!  I have a ride twice a month for doctor appointments…

I have one grandchild, I raised him from birth (my daughter is a drug addict).  He is 6 years old and as of last June, he now lives with his father far away…

Every single day is the same… REPEAT…  I have always been a good person and chose the right things to do.  How the hell do I deserve this life now?  They say to spend a year just being with yourself and not Ina relationship.  I have more than done that.  Now what?  I don’t know if I can even trust another man anyway, let alone all they seem to want is sex and I am not doing that.  Casual sex does nothing for me.  But sex in a relationship with Love, is amazing… 

Grieving the Loss of a child, never ends…….

Today…….. Like so many days in the last ten plus years, I have had a heavy heart, My head hung low and the sadness that encompasses you for the remainder of your life after the death of your child. The pain never goes away, it just hides more often as the years tick by. Instead of being in bed crying for days on end, like I did in the beginning after loosing my son in a car accident, I find myself with days I can think of him and smile and days, where out of no where, I desperately miss him.

So today…… I have a deep yearning for the son I have lost. What would he look like now? Would he be a father? I miss how he would always sit with me and talk to me. And of course, I have the unanswered questions of Why Me? Why did he have to leave? Two of my sisters were pregnant at the same time I was with my son that passed away. My one sister gave birth to a boy, Jason, in October of 1986, then my other sister gave birth to a girl, Gail, in November 1986 and I gave birth to my son, Keith, in December 1986. My sister still has her son Jason and when I see him on video or pictures I find myself welling up with tears and all the questions flooding my mind. My son was very close to his cousin and since my son passed I have always held Jason in a special place. But recently is when I found myself hurting so deeply when I saw Jason during a video chat with my sister. I had never responded that way while seeing him before. So, I have to ask myself, Why Now? I have no answer, only the thought that keeps coming forward….. “What would my son, Keith, look like right now?” When Keith first passed away I spent months terrified I would forget what he looked like. I never have forgotten him, not in any way, shape or form. Jason is now 27 years old and looks much different than he did back when he was 16. I assume my son would also have a much different look as well. It doesn’t matter how many years go by, when you loose a child, it is always there……..

The sadness, loss, despair and the death of a part of you. You will never be the same for the rest of your life here. The first time I laughed after my son was gone, I felt so guilty. How dare I have fun when he was no longer with me! I read a stack of books written by others who had lost a child. I discovered the feelings and thoughts I had were normal. People that I met after his death, who also lost a child, told me that the pain never goes away but life gets easier as time goes by, though you will never stop thinking about your child. For me, this June will be 11 years that he has been gone. Why is it so impossible for me to move forward in life and not break down or fall apart anymore? I know there is no time limit on grief, but when is it supposed to become easier? Even with a million other things occupying my mind, my son is still there tearing my heart out! I have been told by multiple doctors that I have not DEALT with my sons death. So how does one do that anyway? How do you deal with it then? I know he is gone and never coming back. I have gone through all of the stages of grief, more than once. Please, tell me how one deals with such a great loss? What am I supposed to be doing? THe crazy thing is, I had a few years where I didn’t break down much at all and I felt I was dealing with it well and moving on finally. Yet, here I sit, right now, crying and feeling the pain like it was yesterday.

Surely, it does not help that my two living children are alcoholics and cannot seem to grow up and be responsible. The one with a good head on his shoulders and also the one who was much like a best friend to me, was taken from me. My two living children have never sat and talked with me or shared things with me like my son Keith always had. They say the closer you are to the person that dies, the harder it is to continue on. I had a friend several years back that I had met on one of the online bereavement groups. She had lost her daughter years before I lost my son and we talked often, supported each other. When the tenth year came after her daughters death, she killed herself. She seemed to be fine and handling things so well. Now I wonder if she had gone through what I am going through now. Where you feel you are doing better and life will go one, then it hits you like a Mack truck speeding down the highway again! Oh how I wish someone had the answers for me. To be able to tell me exactly what I needed to do in order to continue down the road called life and not be suddenly beaten to near death by the grief of loosing my son all over again. I would give anything to just be able to hug my son and sit with him and talk, just one more time! I have begged for years for him to come to me in my dreams, just so I could see him. He has only been in one very short dream since he passed. I feel like, if I could just see him, even in a dream, I would feel better.

To make Life even worse, as if loosing a child isn’t bad enough to live through, I have had to suffer with severe chronic pain for over three years now. Non stop pain that gets so bad I cry and occasionally I get lighter pain moments. I say moments, because I have never had hours or days of light pain since it began. I am emotionally and physically being tortured every second of every day. I even put myself in counseling and on medication through a psychiatrist as soon as my son died, because I knew I had to have help. I am still on medication to this day. I did three solid years of DBT, group therapy and private counseling sessions, every single week! Maybe, if I didn’t have so many other things happen to me after his death, I would be in a better place right now. His death, living in a new place, husband leaves me and I lost everything, had to move back to a bad area, was attacked and beaten by over a dozen gang members going after my neighbor and then the chronic pain, all in consecutive order! I don’t know what to do anymore. Thanks for listening though……

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Parenthood is such a powerful bond. The bond remains, and often grows, through and after death. It has been said that the loss of a child isn’t an event but rather a journey of survival. In describing loss, author Barbara Kingsolver said this: “You don’t think you’ll live past it and you don’t really. The person you were is gone, but the half of you that’s still alive wakes up and takes over again.”

If someone you know is suffering from the loss of a child, be there to listen. Don’t compare their loss or feel that you need to come up with answers, just listen. The support of friends and family is critical!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not all people grieve the same, even two parents grieving a loss of the same child experience loss differently. Whether a parent has lost a child not yet born or has lost a son or daughter of adult age, the grief can be paralyzing. Although there are no simple answers, parents dealing with loss are not alone. There are excellent resources available to help:

Bereaved Parents USA offers support to parents, grandparents, and siblings of those that have lost a child.

The Compassionate Friends offers support and helps families heal, as well.

Camp Sunshine Bereavement Camp is a therapeutic retreat in Maine and has bereavement group for families who have lost a child to illness.

GriefShare offers support groups and referal information.

The Wendt Center for Loss and Healing offers support to Spanish-speaking families, as well.