A Morbid Dream…

The estrogen seems to have helped a lot with the depression. So far, I have not had the horrible depression hit at night since day two of taking it. I also have not had any hot flashes! Major plus. I am swollen and feel fat though…

So, I am suddenly having dreams and remembering them. Last night it was pretty morbid, yet so satisfying! See on Wednesday this week, my ex decided to torture me by texting me a pic of him and the girl at work that I found message from him about her to his buddy at work. The whole cheating thing and reason why we are not together anymore. That’s really messed up and shitty. And the girl joined in with him and said some shitty crap to me too. It was like I was being tortured. Wow! Why I always am nice even when they treat me like shit, I don’t know, but that hurt me so much something snapped in me….
The dream: a friend of mine, which is a big dude, flagged down my ex as he drove down the road. When my Ex got out, my friend knocked him out. He then tied him up, taped his eyes and gagged his mouth. I came out of hiding and drove his precious truck with him in the back tied up, to a dark and lonely place. There was a shed of sorts there and no one for miles. My friend placed my ex onto a hook where he dangled down from and then restrained his tied legs to the floor. That way he couldn’t kick at me. I never spoke, so he never knew I was even there. My friend went off to do the same to the girl from my exes work, We will call her “J”. While he was gone, I carved into my ex very deeply, DISEASE, right above his penis! My friend arrived back with “J” unconscious. He helped me hold her body up while I took her hands and clawed all over my exes body as deep as possible. Then we tied her down to the floor, she was also gagged and had her eyes covered. I proceeded to take a clay carving utensil and remove more chunks of skin from my ex, then placed it deep into her fingernails. I took hair from my ex and placed it all over her. I scratched up the inside of her vagina and took the blood and cells from her, then placed it all over my exes penis. I continued in this manner for sometime. I was making it look like he raped her and she was going to believe he did too. Then she would call the police and tell her boyfriend. Her boyfriend would beat the hell out of my ex as well. Twice we had to use some kind of liquid to knock them back out. Then my friend and I went outside and worked on tearing up the precious truck. Smashed out the expensive lights he installed. Ripped up the bed cover. Scrapped up the expensive paint job. Then I drove it into a few trees. We opened both doors and left the lights on, as if he had stopped and jumped out after her. The battery ran dead after an hour and we put a few screws in some of the tires. We returned to the building where they both were still unconscious. I took the gag off my exes mouth so when he woke he would yell and speak and “J” would hear his voice when she woke too. It wasn’t long before he came to and was screaming and yelling out cuss words. Every time he yelled a cuss word, my friend would kick “J” in her side. She woke to this. She heard his cussing and felt the kick slam into her. After a few minutes we knocked my ex back out. “J” was trying to struggle and she was sobbing. I gave the nod and my friend knocked her out one last time. We then placed my exes body on top of her body, both naked, with her clothes ripped off of her and shreds of them in his nails as well as her skin and blood too. We untied my ex completely, gave them both an extra dose of the knock out juice and we left. The next day there were reports all over the news channels of the abduction, Attack and rape on “J” by my ex. His mug shot big on the TV screen. He some how was able to bond out and when he did, “J’s” boyfriend tracked him down and beat the crap out of him. He tried to run to the police, but they turned their heads and ignored the violence, thinking he truly deserved it anyway. His day in court arrived and he plead innocent that he too was abducted, beaten and framed. No one believed him. There were even a few people that swore under oath how they saw him driving that night in his truck with “J” inside. I was in the court room, all the way in the back. He did not notice me until he stood for sentencing and was turned to be cuffed and removed. His eyes locked onto mine and the biggest smile was upon my face. I lipped the word, K A R M A! He began to cuss and accuse me, the officers handling him ended up beating him down just to get him out of the court room. My dream continued on for a bit longer. The feeling of justice I felt and knowing he was going to spend the rest of his life in prison. Like I was finally free and could have a happy life. It flashed before me in pictures, my family and I all so very happy. I actually woke up with a feeling of warmth and happiness inside of me. How morbid is that?

I did nothing wrong in the marriage, he was a horrible person and I was still nice and did the right thing even after we split up, then when he did that torturous crap to me on Wednesday and I spent hours sobbing, I snapped. I finally decided I did not have to be nice to him anymore. He called me over and over the next day. When I finally answered he demanded for me to meet him down town and he suddenly had the funds to pay for the divorce that I had said I would agree to the term of not going after him for alimony, etc. but now, I am not doing that. He can kiss my ass. I told him to go ahead and file and I would show up to the court date, he freaked out saying I had better agree to everything like I said. I told him how I am really sick and I am. I never told him I wouldn’t agree to the terms. I hung up and he called over and over again. I finally answered and he said the clerks office was closed and would be open on Monday and that I needed to go with him on Monday and sign then. I said ok, but I am not doing this. He can file and on the court date I will go and tell my peace of it all including the torture he chose to do. Maybe the judge will be nice and award me alimony. I deserve that much. He is a adulterer and abandoned his wife who is disabled. If he refuses to file unless I am with him, I will have to find out if there is anyway I can get help to file. It costs $250 in court fees to file yourself and I don’t have that. All I had wanted was for him to file and we agree and be done with it. Then he chose to that crap to me. And the kicker is the three days prior to that he came to my house and tried to kiss me everytime! My mom said he is an asshole and I need to go after him in any way I can. I completely agree now!

Here is my recent photo… November 2014


WOW, Emotional Hell…

I have been dealing with some major depression lately. Two months of feelings of abandonment then I also feel glad to be alone too. The biggest thing for me to deal with, is financial!

I started on a low dose estrogen last night. Since the surgeries took everything out of me, we are hoping the major deep depression is due to no more hormones. Only time will tell. Every single day, when the sun starts to go down, I become severely depressed. Not one day have I not had to deal with this. I also get crazy full body hot flashes through out the day, they do not seem to last very long but they are getting more and more common.

My Ex is still trying to get me to have sex with him. Why? I don’t get it! He has begun to receive his karma. Someone slammed into the back bumper of his precious truck while it was parked in a parking lot and he broke his toe. This is just the beginning. He expects me to type up his letter for him to the IRS. I am such a nice and loving person that I agree to things before I even realize it. So now he will be back by today. He stopped by yesterday and asked me for a kiss. Really!?! Every single person asks me why the hell I was ever with him. He is unattractive and a jerk and no one likes him. I guess I was supposed to teach him things, that’s all I can come up with. There is also the fact that he came along right when I had planned to end my life, so maybe it was to keep me alive. That was 8 years ago and I had the where, when and how all set! I could of used not to have the pain and torture of the 7 years we were married though!

It seems if I were the type of person that could just have casual sex, I could do that on a daily basis, but that is NOT me! Casual sex sucks. I always have to spend time teaching the guy I am with how to do it right! Plus sex without a connection is worthless to me. I feel more confident since I have so many guys tell me I am beautiful, but I still just want that one man that makes me his entire world and never stops. I deserve that and I will find that! It does get disappointing when you find out that everyone seems to only care about sex even when they are in their 50’s! I want the soul connection…

I have been talking to a guy that lives a long way away from me, but I feel a connection with him. I feel like, if we were to meet in person my soul would be over joyed! He is open and communicates well. That being the one thing that I have never been able to find in a man! I am beginning to think he may be the one I have searched for my entire life. So, until the day we meet, I will enjoy our little conversations.

Every night, when the sun begins to set, I feel so badly that I just want to go to bed, because when I wake in the morning, I feel pretty good. Then I repeat this every single day of this dreaded life………….

Ascension to the 5th Plane is where I want to be!

You may or may not believe that the earth is ascending to the 5th dimension. You may or may not have heard about this. I for one believe! I want nothing more than peace and love to fill me up and set me free. Where everyone is loving and caring. Trustworthy people all around. Like going back to the old days when you could leave your car unlocked and not worry about being outside after dark. I don’t know where all the negative, disrespectful and down right nasty people have come from. Everyone deserves the right to be comfortable in their own home. To not have to listen to thumping music that rattles the windows while you are watching TV. Or to hear yelling and cussing at 2am. What happened to common curtsy? The 5th dimension will be just that, LOVE and PEACE. I may sound like a person from the 60’s or 70’s, but I really love the thought of moving to that dimension and being carefree and swimming in the positive energy there.

(The physical body represents the 3rd dimension, the emotional body-the 4th dimension, the mental body-the 5th dimension and the spiritual body-the 6th dimension and beyond. The mental body is connected to the physical body and the emotional body to the spiritual body. In making the shift from 3D to 5D and beyond we must go through 4D and the only way in doing so is through the emotional body and the highest emotional expression being–love. In other words we cannot intellectualize ourselves into enlightenment and ascension, we must–feel our way.

The path of ascension is accepting everything just as it is and using spiritual discernment in making choices that raise the vibrational frequency of our atomic cell structure. We all have a responsibility in raising our personal vibration in every moment. The ascension path is both personal and collective ascension, it is about making choices that benefit us all. – See more at: http://ascension-temple.com/)

I am a Goddess…


Stopped the medication that blew me up and swelled me out. Finally lost all at weight gain and now I have been loosing more and more, which is a good thing. The pain is bad, but tolerable most of the time on the medications I am currently on. I have to try to keep my mind busy or I dwell on the pain. So I craft as much as possible. Can only sit so long. Cannot stand long at all! The meds all make me real tired, so I sleep more than I am awake.

I found myself in a fantasy today… I really do believe it is impossible for one man to truly satisfy one woman. Wouldn’t it be great to have six men all working together to make sure you were taken care of and happy!