Fighting the Darkness of Depression…

I have had a bad week, as I often do.  I can’t seem to get away from the darkness of my depression and the thoughts of ending my torment once and for all.  What actually stopped me, my son.  I thought of him finding me and the pain he would go through.  I can honestly say that it is only my son that keeps me on this earth now.  I just can’t leave him like that.  He is 23 and chances are good that he will die way before I do.  You see, he is insulin dependent diabetic and doesn’t take care of his diabetes as he should.  It takes about 15 years to kill an organ with high blood glucose.  He suddenly became diabetic at age nine when a virus attacked and killed his pancreas.  The least I could do is hold on and be here for him for the rest of his life.  He is unable to hold down a job, because his diabetes is extremely resistant to insulin and is often off the charts or so low he can barely function.

I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts my ENTIRE life!  As if dealing with that and chronic pain was not  enough, I now find myself struggling and stressed out, no end, on how to pay the electric bill every month.  My old van has not been running well and the battery has finally died.  How does one get things they need just to survive, when one has no money?  It is all way too much for me to deal with.  At my age, I should not be in this position, but I married three worthless men, that I spent years building their credit and their self esteem, just for them to cheat on me and leave…

I have finally come to the point in my life where I am happy to be just me, without a man!  Yet, I cannot enjoy this!  I have to worry and stress and try to find things to sell, just to survive.  We get two actual full meals a week, because we can only get the food we can purchase with the Foodstamps we are allowed.  $300 a month for the two of us and the cost of food is insane.  I try to get fruit and vegetables, anything I possibly can that is good for us.  We eat a lot of rice!  I wasn’t raised to be like this or in this position, which makes it all the more degrading!  I am disabled and cannot work, for so many reasons it is nuts.  I rarely am able to drive myself anywhere.  I have to live on $810 a month.  My mortgage is $500 each month.  The gas runs around $60 right now and the water is about $75-$80.  The electric bill, this last month, was $305!  The insurance, I am required to have on my old ass van, is $78 per month.  How am I supposed to make it?   Ugh….. I don’t know what to do anymore.  I have called everywhere for any help I can find.  Where I live, there is not help available.  I do know that I cannot keep going like this.  I have begged my family and everyone I know, but no one can help.

So, the last week I have been extremely down in the darkness of depression.  I allowed myself to rest and not push myself to do anything.  Normally, this helps me get past it, but I am still here and it is very dark!  I have reached out to a few friends, just to talk, but I have been ignored or told that what I feel is wrong.  I know that if I did end my life, those people would feel sad and say that they wished they could of helped me.  I just need someone to listen to me and maybe offer up some words of encouragement.  Yet, I cannot find it, anywhere!  God bless my mother and one sister.  They have tried as best they can to be here for me.  They are the only two that even put forth an ounce of effort for me.   My birthday is Saturday, I will be 46 years old at 1:21 am EST.  I have heard people say, after someone committed suicide, that they wished that person would of reached out to them, maybe they could of helped.  I am willing to bet they did reach out and they found that they were really all alone, as I have found.  I have been told things like, “You are too pretty to feel that way.”  Really?!?  Or, “Comeon now, you can’t do that to the people that love you!”  

A year ago I was dying and had to have a huge surgery to save my life, because a doctor screwed up horribly!  My sister talked me into suing, but I can’t even get an attorney to call me back.  It is like everything and everyone just ignores me and I don’t even exist.  Honestly, the money would help me survive the remaining years I have and I went through a nightmare that never should of happened.  What do I have to do in order to be seen or heard?  What will people say at my funeral?  Will they say I didn’t reach out to them?  Will they say that they wished they could of helped me?  I beg God on a daily basis, just to help me survive with the basic necessities.  Food, clothing and shelter.  Just to be able to comfortably pay the required bills, eat and get where I need to go.  On top of all of this, my psychiatrist in which it took me a year to finally get in with, decided to just drop me because my insurance wasn’t paying fast enough.  I have glaucoma and have had it since age 29, that doctor decided they were not taking my secondary insurance anymore and would see me if I could pay 20%.  How does one do that when they cant even buy food or cover their electric bill?  So, I am not on the drops I need and my vision is all messed up because of it!  What do I have to do just to survive?  Oh and then there is the bill collectors.  So much fun with the phone ringing daily and the Bs involving all of that too.   I know I don’t deserve this crap.  How did I get here?  How do I get out of here?………….

Post-Op Day 3…

Everyone said I would feel better by day three. NOT! I feel worse today than I have since the surgery. I am completely exhausted. I took a shower, which took forever to complete. I could not keep my eyes open after the shower so I had to go right back to bed. I have felt very sick since my shower as well. I am unable to think clearly and I feel like I have been in a major car accident. Every time I cough it sends stabbing pains into my gut. I still have the non-stop pain in my shoulders as if I have swords stabbed down into them and straight into my abdomen.

My belly is more and more black colored. I will get a new picture each night, but the one attached here is from last night and it is covering a much larger area now and it is very dark. I have barely ate, but my mother makes sure I eat something small every day. I can’t seem to taste anything now. My throat is sore too. That started last night. I wake every single hour of the night and have to crawl out of bed and go to the bathroom, which causes all kinds of pain. I finally passed some gas in the middle of The night last night. I have no clue when I will actually have a bowel movement. For the most part I am just staying in bed. I walk from the bedroom to the living room three times a day to aid in the passing of gas. Every time I stand up the hearing in my right ear goes completely out for several minutes, then returns to normal. I feel like I am dying from a severe illness and pain.

All I went through prior to surgery to make sure everyone knew all about my chronic pain and my panic disorder, so I would not be left to suffer and end up in a panic attack that would cause me more pain and problems. I was promised over and over that I would not be left to suffer and my chart was flagged. In the end, I was left to suffer, yelled at and nothing was done to prevent the panic attack which caused all the bruising and bleeding in my abdomen. My one set of incisions out of five is still seeping as well. They told me I would see a pain management doctor before I was sent home and I never saw one. They told me I had to pass gas before I was allowed to go home and I didn’t until last night. They told me from day one that I had to stay two nights in the hospital, but once they screwed up and caused me all the added problems they couldn’t get me out of there fast enough. I am so tired of this kind of crap happening to me. When I am able to think clearly I will sit down and write a letter to a few people in regards to what happened to me even though I did all I could do in order to prevent it from happening. If anything, maybe it will help someone else one day down the road.

For me, right now, life is all about sleeping and waking with pain. Getting out of bed to use the bathroom and going back to bed without falling over. I cannot seem to get enough to drink either. I am wobbly and Unstable………….

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Just ME…. MYSELF….. & I…

I see the GYN Oncologist tomorrow. “B” never took the day off to take me to the appointment. Real nice huh! I asked my son to take me and he asked why I needed to even go. I told him it was to go over the tests and to schedule my surgery. He acted like it was a problem. I asked if he would do it and he said yes, but he has been treating me really crappy lately, along with “B” doing the same towards me. Then tonight he got all upset when he asked me a question that I did not have the answer too and I said, “I have no clue” then he yelled at me and then slammed the door in my face! Needless to say, I will just drive myself to the doctor tomorrow. The peace and quiet during the drive will be nice.

I was very hurt, as usual, and cried. I cry many times a day now due to the way the two men in this house treat me. The looks and the words are pure hatred. I cannot do this any longer. They said they will not stop being assholes until my daughter is gone. SMH! I got news for them, if this continues, they will be the ones forced to leave. This is my house and I sure as hell do not deserve to be treated this way. I am going through a very emotional time with the pain and the possibility of having cancer and the up and coming surgery. I deserve to have a loving and caring family that is here for me and supportive of me, not rotten and mean people who spend each day abusing me.

The goals are to get through the surgery and recover, then I will make the final decision. I may be leaving or I may be tossing out the problem people. One way or another, shit is going to change. I will have the life I deserve and peace will be a part of my life. When I am spending every day of my life wishing I would go to sleep and not wake up, because of how crappy I am treated every day, then I know I MUST put a stop to it all. No longer will I allow myself to fear what might happen or how I will make it. I will find a way and I will be happy………….

It Feels Like The End of the Road…

Today I woke to the pain spreading again. It is now engulfing my right side along with the left. Today is three weeks straight of way too much pain that I cannot seem to catch a break from. I am irritable and bitchy! I don’t even like being around me. I feel nauseated often from the pain. It hurts to be alive.

I have to call on Monday and see if I can get additional medication.
I also need to see which counselor is in network for me and call on Monday and start seeing a counselor again. I should of been seeing one this entire time, but it is such a problem getting people to take me to appointments. This is the end of the road for me. I must find a way to ease this pain. I feel like the only way to end the suffering is to end this life. So, I will give it a shot and try to get additional medication and counseling first.

I do not like to drive due to the medications I am on and the panic disorder I have, but I will have to suck it up if I want to get any help. It always goes back to me and only me. I need to accept this fact!

If giving up was easy I would do it, but it actually isn’t easy. There is no easy way out of this crap. I guess it is a good thing they don’t sell suicide pills, because I do believe I would be in line to buy that right now. Nope, there is no easy way out of this life, so you either choose to do everything possible to find help or you wallow in your suffering until your body finally gives out.

Lately, I am able to occupy my mind a little bit through out the day by playing small time frames of The Sims Free-play on my IPad. Anything I can find I will take. The first couple of hours in the morning are horrendous for me pain wise and again at night. There is not a minute of the day that I am not overwhelmed in pain. Usually I would do some type of cleaning to occupy my mind away from it all, but the pain is not allowing me to use that option. I apply the TENS unit to cover as much of the area as possible and I turn it on through out the day. It only runs for 15 minute intervals. It is another aid to distraction. The only down fall is I really need four of those devices to capture the areas of intense pain.

It seems like everyone in this house just cannot stand it if I voice how I feel. I am sorry that I suffer in a great deal of pain and they have no clue because they do not have to feel it. If they could each spend an hour in my pain….. Surely, they would treat me with more respect.

So my plan today is this… Apply the TENS unit to as big of an area as I can get covered. Then find something I can do while laying back in the most comfortable position. It’s nice outside, I wish I had a bed outside! This is all I can do right now. Just keep trying to hold on and pray some sort of relief will be found soon………….

Ranting…….

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. My pain level was off the charts and the stress, of all the things that occurred in that day, sent me spiraling down quickly. Stress increases pain levels and brings on deep bouts of severe depression in me. I felt like I was going to snap. I did not want to say or do something to my innocent family members, so I informed them how I was feeling and then told them that I was going to stay in my room all day so I did not go off on them when they did not deserve it. Then I was going to just go to bed, but my anger was so high I couldn’t be still, regardless of the pain being way up. I chose to clean out my closet. That would occupy my mind, which I desperately needed, and keep me moving. Of course, it took the entire day because I had to sit and take breaks often and I had to move slowly. But I did complete the task, then I was in so much pain and my mind no longer occupied, that I was in tears. I couldn’t even sit back in a chair.

A typical day for me goes something like this:
Wake early to severe pain, get up and wobble to the bathroom where I take my medication and sit down while doing slow deep breathing and very gentle stretches of my back and neck. I check my email and FB and search the web to occupy my mind from the pain as much as it can. Once I feel I can go back to bed, which is usually two hours later, I crawl back in my bed. Then I sleep for a couple of hours and wake to pain and repeat the process, except I don’t usually go back to bed after that.
Then I throw in any laundry that needs to be done. If possible I try to pick a chore to be done that day. Like dusting, but I can only do a small area. I have to sit and move slowly. (No one else in this house cleans anything, except the kitchen gets cleaned up by them on most days. Just cleaned up, not clean clean!). Many days I can’t even do a small chore. Often I find I need total peace and quiet so I end up in my room much of the day. My grandson is three and I love him to death but he just doesn’t understand and he climbs all over me, which hurts like hell!
Many days I have to take a two hour nap in the mid to late afternoon. I do not eat until the evening, since my stomach tends to not feel very well. Mostly due to the pain I have to endure.
I try to spend at the least the last 30 minutes before his bedtime, with my grandson. Then he usually will snuggle. Then he goes to bed at 10pm and I read.
I find that I can’t usual think of anything to eat and I can’t handle standing in the kitchen long enough to cook something. So I pretty much eat cereal and pickles.

What sucks is how I used to be. I cooked and cleaned and worked, while raising three kids. I always had emotional issues, but I never had to deal with constant agonizing pain like I do now and have for the last few years. I often feel like I have no life at all. I am sick and tired of being in so much pain every single day of my life! After these few years I feel it will never stop. There are many more things the doctor could be trying, but they just always push for me to get my injections. I have had a dozen of them and the most relief I ever received was for one week. I hurt in so many places and the injections can only be done in one spot at a visit. So I can suffer through the horrible pain of the injection in my tailbone and have relief from the tailbone for about a week, or I can have it done on my neck and maybe get a week. The ones on my lumbar and thoracic spine have done nothing at all. My entire spine is messed up. My pain is my neck, shoulder, elbows, down left arm at times, low back, hips, tailbone, left leg, knees, ankles and feet. Along with numbness in my three middle toes on both feet.

So yes, I often feel like I have NO life at all. I have NO support system. I live far away from my parents and siblings and their families. It’s just me and the couple of people who live in my house. My son and my grandson…… I am usually alone and hiding out in my room to avoid being hurt more or having to deal with attitudes, which makes the pain even worse. I push and push myself just to get through each and every day. Only to repeat the hell of life the next day, over and over. What a life! Now back to bed it is for me and my crushing pain…..