Beautiful Weather, Jacked-Up Pain…

It has been 12 days now since the injections I had in the bursa of my butt cheek areas.  The left side has stayed with increased pain and now I have pain all through the hip and top of the leg!  This is also on the right side, but the left is much worse…

I am tired of feeling like I am being ignored and pushed along at every doctor visit!  They did nothing when I told them my feet were going numb years ago and now both are completely numb, plus I have pain the feels like they are being crushed and when I walk it feels like walked on very sharp glass.  I have to wear shoes always and they have to be tennis shoes that are way bigger than my feet, because I can’t stand anything touching them!  I am slowly getting to the point of having to be back in a wheel chair!  Like is said, every single year it just progresses and gets worse!  What do I have to do?  I see the Pain Doctor, or should I say the damn PA tomorrow!  (I hate that). The pain medication does help take the very hard edge off of the pain, but they never give enough to actually give you a life…  While drug addicts seem to have no problem getting the drugs!  This really pisses me off!  While I lived in IL, I had to go through a ton of meds to find what worked for my Panic, Anxiety and depression.  I moved back to GA and they wouldn’t give me those meds!  Yet, drug addicts get them… WTF! I am so damn tired of it…

Hurricane Mathew came by, I am inland, but we expected very high winds and a lot of rain. We did get a decent amount of rain, but it was mostly a light rain fall for a solid 12 hours and some decent wind gusts, but no where near as bad as we expected.  Which is good, I worried about the dead tree in the back yard coming down.  When your disabled and struggling to make it, you do not have the funds to take care of anything!  

Tell me, how does one eat an entire month on $200, which also has to buy the condements and sugar, flour, etc.?  I am basically living on those $1.00 Party Pizzas, which does a number on my intestinal track!  I can’t even count how many mornings now that I have crappy myself!  IBS, which did not bother me for years, is back in full swing, all because I cannot buy healthy food.  I never eat breakfast or lunch, I eat crackers and fruit cups when the hunger pains get to me or my blood glucose drops too much.  I am Hypoglycemic, but not diabetic.  Hypoglycemia runs in my family.  Sometimes the hypoglycemia causes me a lot of problems and other times I can go months or even years where it does nothing…

Exercise….. Living with constant chronic pain, it is difficult to get any exercise.  This is why I force myself to clean up the kitchen, wipe all the tables down and use the light vacuum through the house every day.  That is the only exercise I get and it is painful, but I do it so my body moves everyday…

…The vacuum I had, a Dyson, was too heavy for me to use and I had NO way to buy another vacuum.  I wrote to three of the top vacuum places and explained my situation to them.  Hoover sent me a very lightweight vacuum that is steerable and super easy to use.  I recommend it for anyone suffering from a chronic pain condition.  Hoover Air Steerable, UH72400!  It has truly been a godsend for me!  It has a button to turn on or off the beater bar.  My house is just under 1400 square feet and the main areas are all hard floors with throw rugs, while the bedrooms are carpeted.  I have several animals, all of which I got before I knew I would be in this position of being alone and no money!  I am allergic to Pet Dander, so vacuuming daily is importent for my health. The Hoover Air Steerable picks up all the hair and even cat food and litter, while it transitions from hard floor to carpet all on its own!  I have always been a person that would NEVER ask for help, but now I am in the position, that the only way I will survive, is through help.  I don’t understand why the state of GA does nothing to help!  I literally have nothing left after paying the mortgage and utilities.  Yet, I can’t get help with the utilities!  How do I buy needed items?  Like toilet paper, DEODERANT, soap, shampoo and conditioner, etc.  I do everything I can to earn Amazon credits through Bing and Crowdtap, but that gets me around $10 a month and you have to have a $49 Oder for free shipping unless your Prime, which I can’t afford!  I wrote Amazon about that and they just gave me one $20credit…WTF!  Where is the help for people who are Disabled and Alone with no help from a spouse or anyone else?  I have tried everywhere and I do NOT have a vehicle!  My son’s girlfriend was getting me to appointments and now her vehicle has been broke down for months!  My insurance will give me 12 rides to appointments a year, which is no where near enough!  What about getting to the store and pharmacy?  I have rotten wood on my house, can’t pay to fix it!  The list is endless…

So there enlies the massive STRESS!  Which is also why I have been having Panic Attacks Daily!  Ugh…  In IL I was on Xanex, it works fast so when an attack started I could take one and in 15 minutes it would help me.  In GA, they refused to give me that and put me on Ativan, which takes an hour to work, so I have to take it three times a day to keep it in my system and I am still having attacks!  Yet, I constantly hear about the damn drug addicts getting Xanex.  I am ANGRY and just plain sick and tired of the crap………….

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Injections, Pain & Depression…

I had injections in the “butt” area, because  I am unable to sit unless it is on a squishy pillow and sometimes I cannot even sit on that.  So, the doctor wanted to do injections.  He always wants to do injections.  They must make money off of injections!  In 2012, I had 13 injections at different times through my entire spine and tailbone.  Your not supposed to have more than three injections a year!  Two of those helped for ten days, a few caused me more pain and the rest were worthless!  The butt injections were done on both sides.  On the right the injection hurt a little and I have had no increased pain and no difference that I can tell.  On the left, the injection was very painful and I have had very increased pain ever since then, which was 5 days ago!  It has caused the pain from there all the way down my leg to be much worse!  Just what I needed…

When my pain goes up, my depression gets worse!  Also, when my depression goes up, my pain gets worse.  Vicious circle!  Rightnow, I am in a pretty bad place.  Everything sucks, nothing brings me joy and the pain is just too much.  The last two nights I was woke several times with horrible leg cramps.  I am talking about the kind that feel like your legs are being ripped apart!  I am left with wrenched up muscles in my legs today.  Come the “F*ck” on!  

Back Story:  on November 15, 2010, I was beaten by a gang that was going after my neighbor.  I had just returned from the store and two vehicles pulled up with over a dozen thugs.  They jumped out, the neighbor was standing in the road at my driveway talking to my son.  The thugs pounced on the neighbor and in seconds he ran inside his house.  Then the thugs attacked my son and me in our OWN YARD,  I was beat from behind repeatedly until I completely pissed myself and one of the thugs pulled out a shotgun.  The rest of the thugs backed off and the gun man pointed it right at my son and me!  He pulled the trigger, but some how he lost control of the shotgun and it shot up.  A neighbor down the street saw me being beat and he came out with his handgun and shot it in the air, then all the thugs took off!  From that day on, I have had pain, non-stop pain, that has gotten worse every single year!  It took the doctors several years & painful tests, after I lost feeling in both feet and the pain started there as well, to figure out that the bundle of nerves which comes out both sides of the lower spine are compressed.  Hence, why I get worse every year and I am to the point of giving up completely.  Doctor just plain suck here!  I have constant pain in the left side of my neck, both sides from the waist down to my feet, with the left side being the worst.  Come on already, if your going to do injections why not do them at the bundle of nerves?  They denied me the spinal cord stimulator, which would block the pain!  The pain meds help take the sharp edge off of a lot of it, but nothing reduces it enough to have any kind of a real life!  Most of the time, I have to sit in a chair with pillows to do anything at all and when I can stand it is not for long at all.  It fells like my hips are being crushed into my spine and I am walking on sharp rocks that crush my bones in my feet, but I have no feeling on the surface (skin area) of my feet.  Without any pain meds, I am in a wheelchair…

I am very grateful for my home!  However, I struggle every single month!  I am disabled and get $810 a month, I pay the mortgage & my co-pays for all the meds and have nothing left!  I haven’t had a vehicle in over a year now either!  I can’t pay to fix things (like the rotten wood on the house, etc.) or even get things I need!  I cannot find any place to help me pay the utilities here.  I want to stay in my home and I should be able to find help, I am Disabled, but I have tried for two years now, ever since my husband left me!  I can go live with my parents, but I loose my privacy and I have to find homes for all my animals, which I have tried to do to no avail.  Then, what do I do when my parents die?  Another reason to keep my home…

Just thinking about any of it, causes Panic Attacks, Anxiety and increases my damn depression!  I really wish someone would just come in and help me out!  If I still lived in Illinois, I would get the help I need, but I don’t have a home there, my home is in Georgia.  Georgia sucks…

So, I have had to stop typing this four times now, due to pain, panic, anxiety and freaking out!  I am trying to just not think period.  That is very difficult to do!  I know that if I can just let myself feel what ever it is that I am feeling and stop fighting it, the depression will ease up quicker.  I really am trying, but there is just so much crap to deal with.  I feel completely alone!  I am alone, I do not have any local friends, no one to talk to and I have nothing to do with the opposite sex anymore.  I just can’t deal with someone else’s crap on top of my own anymore…

Final thought:  I am tired of hearing people say that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, when I have been going through more and more crap for six years now.  There is NO light, just Darkness………….

Lost in the Emotional Abyss…

Lately, my dreams have been telling me many things.  I don’t recall them ever being as vivid as they are now.  May things I forgot all about, have come up in my dreams.  I truly believe dreams tell us many things and also help us work through past issues…

Two nights ago, I had a dream where I stayed at my address because I knew my deceased son would find his way back here.  Subconsciously I am holding on to my home and I know I have been, I just did not know why…

Last night, I had a dream that reminded me of many past betrayals, hurt, pain, mistrust and back stabbing.  It also showed me that those things would continue if I chose to move where I had been planning to go.  I had completely forgot of all of those things!  

The only thing I can do is try, my best to be inthe here and now!  Allow what ever may come to come.  Thoughts of the past just cause depression and thoughts of the future bring about panic and anxiety.  It sounds easy, yet it is so very difficult to just be inthe here and now…

I do not feel right and I can’t seem to place the emotions I am feeling!  They are a twist and turn of so many different things.  I know I feel Lost, Angry,Depressed and I am so tired of being in constant pain!  Like a roller coaster, I roll through emotions as fast as the cart goes up and down.  Tears flow suddenly and I don’t know why, then I feel Anger, yet that also disappears as fast as it came on, and so on…

I have survived through so much!  Two bouts of Mono (Epstein-Barr), 5th Disease, My sister dying, MY SON DYING, two husbands abandoning me, being beat by a gang (where the Chronic Pain Started), almost dying and having a giant surgery to save my life, my drug addict daughter and finally getting to a place where I no longer wanted a man in my life!  I never thought I would come to a place where I did not feel like I had to have someone!  The worse one of all was the death of my son and still is!  I haven’t had a vehicle in a year (no funds to get one either), I barely survive on my tiny disability and it is hell trying to find ways to get to appointments!  I am sure I am forgetting several things…

I am often left wondering why the heck I lived through that last surgery!  For what?  I do believe we all have several things to overcome in our lives, much like lessons.  I cannot do anymore lessons!  I am DONE!  I feel lost and confused…

Somehow, I still have some Hope inside of me, I don’t know how – but it is there.  Hope that something great is coming.  I just don’t know if I can keep holding on………….