Deeply Depressed…

I am in the pits of depression. I feel so exhausted. I am unable to find anything positive. Living in this home full of self centered people who only care about themselves. This entire day I have felt like I am just going to pass out. When I lay down I don’t sleep, but it can’t keep my eyes open.

It is almost a drunk feeling, almost. My body and mind are so warn out it can no longer take a single thing. Happiness has long been gone. A smile has not touched my face in so long. Every single day is filled with negative crap coming at me from my very own offspring.

It’s hot and humid outside. It is like this all summer long, until late October. It makes me feel like crap. My skin is covered in claminess. My body drags along. My mind is swimming in a sea of despair. I want it all to just end. There is no escape here on earth.

I could stay in bed all day, yet my mind will not let me sleep. Just lay there with my eyes closed. Then, my body itches. In different places all over. I wish I could find just an ounce of joy. Anything at all that would bring a smile upon my very frowning face.

Sluggish…. Barely able to move… Even the light hurts my eyes… How does one have such horrible offspring? They were not raised to be this way. My hands are tied. There is nothing I can do, they are adults. Even though they live in my home… There is no escaping them. No where I can go on earth to end the constant negative vibrations that they put forth towards me. They surely must hate me in order to be so horrible to me. They are not grateful for the fact they have a mother or a roof over their heads. They do not care that I am ill and in constant pain. Nor do they care that I will be having major surgery with a long recovery time. They only care about themselves and what they want or get.

I cannot run from my mental problems. No matter where I go they are always with me. My entire life I have had these demons called depression and anxiety. Even as a small child, they were always with me. Making my life suck every minute of every day. I have tried to run from them and it doesn’t work. Everywhere I go, they are right there with me.

I have actually hoped for cancer just so I could be done with life once and for all. That’s pretty bad. Or that I would go to sleep and just never wake up. 24/7 I am in pain and depressed. With adult children that cause so much chaos and negativity, it is impossible to bring myself up above the darkness. Nothing feels good anymore. I can’t even have an orgasm. Nothing………….

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Wham… Destruction, Chaos & Depression…

I had two days where everything and everyone was calm. I even was able to get some cleaning done. It is amazing how stress and the people around you can deeply affect your pain levels and mood.

Yesterday, my daughter received her final check from work. She decided not to pay my son for the babysitting he did that week. Even though I told her it was wrong to do that! My son spent the entire day and night bitching at me and telling me I had better do something about it or he was going to have fits of rage and destroy things. He then took anything his girlfriend bought for the house and put it in his bedroom, which included the fabric softener I have her buy since I pay for the stuff and make the laundry detergent. I told him not to do the crap to me and make my life even more of a hell or take it out on my grandson. He said they would not be taking him to his therapy appointments anymore. Hours upon hours of him going at me and telling me I better kick my daughter and grandson out of this house or I would have hell to pay. Of course, my pain levels went through the roof. I cried and I told my daughter she had better find a way to fix this mess she created. She feels like she did no wrong since he refused to watch her son and she had to quit working. They are both way too immature!

Instead of being glad they actually have a mother and roof over their head, they are making my life a living hell. My son even told me that I was going to loose everyone if I allowed my daughter to stay here. Wow! Last night I decided I was no longer going to struggle and fight to stay alive. Not in this hell I live in. I just can’t do it anymore. My pain levels are beyond help when I have to deal with them and their petty crap. I am going to give it all until Wednesday and see if he does all the crappy things he has threatened, then I will decide if I need to dig really deep down inside for the strength to get me out of this hell I live in. I had thought things were finally settling down and I might actually get to live and survive this life.

I finally heard from the hospital about my hysterectomy surgery. They said it would be after next Tuesday before they could call me with my surgery date. That the doctor was out until then and he had to look at their OR schedule and his schedule and see when he could fit me in. Geeze, now if wonder how long it will be before I finally get the surgery. I have felt hungry all the time and been eating way too much, I have gained almost ten pounds in this last month. Not good. Depression, stress, worry and pain are just sucking the life right out of me! My family actually could help me through all of this and help me have less pain if they would grow up and get along and put me before their own crap. They will be very sorry one day, but it will be way too late by then. The stress of it all also has me smoking way too much.

I cannot even sit here without horrible crushing pain. I was unable to go out for breakfast this morning because of the intensity of the pain. I don’t get the offer to go out very often and it sucks that I was unable to go today! I wish I would just go to sleep and never wake up. I know when you finally give up completely, your body will die. Why I continue to hold on to even the tiniest of things is beyond me. I more than deserve some peace in my life. I do the right thing and I always care for others. I have lived through way too many tragedies in this life too. Shall I count the ways……

1. Lost my son to a car accident when he was 16 in 2003!
2. Lost my sister to cancer in 2000!
3. Survived a gang attack in 2010!
4. 2nd husband cheated and left and I lost everything I worked years for in 2006!
5. I survived being poisoned by that same husband too!
6. Deathly ill in 1984 with mono which I had again in 2006!
7. Tonsils removed in 1983, tubal in 1992 & gallbladder in 2005!
8. Had a lingering case of 5th disease back in 1994, was extremely ill for months on end!
9. 16 years of mental abuse from 2nd husband 1990-2006!
10. Given a conclusion from hubby #2 in 1991!
11. Current husband up and left me in 2009 for 5/6 weeks!
12. Years of severe panic attacks and agoraphobia where I couldn’t leave my home for six months at a time, which reoccurred every two years like clock work. 1995-2001, sporadic issues since as well.
13. Physically abused by youngest son in 2006 & 2007!
14. Severe depression, panic attacks, anxiety and borderline personality disorder for most of my life!
15. Locking my bedroom door at night for fear of my son!
16. Living with absolutely no support what so ever from my family!
17. Multiple counts of rape!
18. Molested as a child by more than one person!

I could keep going, but that’s the jest of it all I guess. The top traumas being the loss of my son and surviving the gang attack. Both of those left me with PTSD issues and deep trauma that has never healed. There is no way to get over the loss of your child. He was the one child I had that was always here for me and we were very close. I ask myself often what the hell I had done that was so horrible to deserve this life. If I could go back to around age 14, I would change it all in a heartbeat. I would never have children, the pain of loosing one and then dealing with the hell the other two have given me! I would pay attention in school and go on to college and make a career for myself that I loved. I would never have to count on anyone else. But, we cannot go back and change anything. We only have what is right now, before us. There is not much I can do with the way things are. I have to get out one way or another. Whether I physically up and leave or I go back to live with God again. There has to be an end to this nightmare. I could go live with my parents, though I will have loneliness issues there. I cannot run from my mental problems, they are always with me. I am going to be 45 this year and I cannot even remember a joyous time in my life, even as a child I was riddled with fear and panic. I feel like I am backed into a corner. It’s pretty sad when you have to leave the house you own in order to survive any further in life. I could toss everyone out, but I wouldn’t be able to pay the utility bills. I ran my own business and made very good money. I have lived both ends of the stick, rich and poor. I worked hard and had everything I ever wanted, just to have it all ripped from me in a blink of an eye………….

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Dark circles under my eyes. No make up, because it takes too much energy to apply! This is where I spend most of my life, in the bathroom, alone!

Waiting…

I am still waiting for them to call with my surgery date. I am going to call them this afternoon if they have not called me yet. I just want to have it scheduled so I can plan appropriately. I need to make sure I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables the week prior to surgery and fiber so I do not have to strain to use the bathroom, because I do believe that will be painful.

My little kitten is full of it. He has spastic attacks throughout the day. He is a bit crazy I think. I made him some toys with feathers on them and he takes the feather in his mouth then he growls and spits. When he gets tired he is very sweet and loving. I usually name my animals after Greek mythology and I named him Prometheus.

We have been having pop up thunderstorms each day in the evening. That is normal for here. The humidity has been super high and usually is throughout the entire summer. It is instant sweat here as soon as you walk out the door. We did get the pool up and running, now it just needs to warm up enough for me to get into it. That is the one place I can walk and stretch without adding more pain to my plate. I need to get in it before my surgery, since it won’t be able to get into it for at least a month after the surgery, if not longer. I want a smooth surgery and recovery so I am researching all I need to do in order to make sure all goes well for me. I will go into immediate menopause since everything is coming out. I am going to request to be started on estrogen immediately and I do hope my insurance will cover it. I researched it and it seems the progesterone is the one that tends to cause breast cancer, so I am avoiding that all together. I have a large family history of breast cancer after hormone replacement therapy. My doctor wants to just do the estrogen and I agree with that. I want to prevent having hot flashes and night sweats if at all possible. I cleaned the window A/C unit yesterday, so it could be put in my bedroom window just in case it need extra cooling in my room.

Things have calmed down some here. Not a bunch of fighting going on and that is a huge plus for me. I pulled out my inversion table the other day and did a slight incline on it to see if it would help with my pain at all. I felt stretched out after but I still have the pain. I am going to try to use it daily for a bit and see if it helps at all. Before all this pain, I would have back problems and the inversion table helped a great deal with that. I have shrunk 2″ in the last couple of years. My spine is compressing, so the table will help with that and it gets oxygen into the spine. I do deep breathing while I lay on it. I do not go completely upside down because that may cause me more pain. I used to be able to do that before all of the problems I have now and it was nice. I don’t have much room, so I have it folded up and crammed in my closet, then I drag it out and set it up. You cannot walk around it while it is up, just not enough room here.

It has been taking me three hours now, every morning, after I wake up to get moving enough to come out of my room. I have been feeling hungry all the time and I have gained around 8 pounds over this month. That happens when you lay around and are bored. Last year when I lost over 50 pounds without trying, I was never hungry and often forget to eat at all. I eat more the more I have to lay around due to the pain. Keeping the mind busy is very important. I get bored and irritable. It is hard to find things I can do that do not cause me even more pain. Yesterday I found some relief after resting and taking my muscle relaxer with my anxiety medication. I then was able to sit in a chair and clean the window A/C unit. I will see if that helps again today. I have a lot to actually do, but most of it causes me more pain. I need to dust my bedroom. I am allergic to dust, mold and mildew. I can dust half the room from a sitting position. It is the other half that causes me problems. The half you need to dust first. Going with gravity by starting at the ceiling and working your way down to the floor. I want to get the entire house cleaned before my surgery, but it doesn’t look like I will be able to get that done. I still need to make a list for everyone here of the things they need to make sure are done daily while I am recovering.

So, my plan is to go sit in a chair out back and try to scrub the pool ladder. It’s pretty hot and humid out there so I am not sure how far I will get. I am praying they call me today with my surgery date………….

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This is my precious cat Athena with the kitten Prometheus…

Trying an Electronic Cigarette & Updates on me…

I am wanting to quit smoking, so I went to a local shop called Crazy Vapors and bought an electronic cigarette with a bottle of regular tobacco flavor and a bottle of a flavor called Twisted Java. I really like how the twisted Java tastes. I have found that first thing in the morning I am still needing to smoke regular cigarettes, but throughout the day I use the E-cig. The one I picked is of course, Purple! You have to press a button while you take a drag off of it, but you do not need to take a hard drag, because you get a decent hit very easily. I tried the 24 g nicotine and I also got the 18 g nicotine in the flavored one. The 24 g nicotine is pretty harsh, even though that is supposed to be equivalent to what I smoke. Any further purchases will be of the 18g ones. It produces a vapor that kind of looks like smoke. There is no smell and no second hand smoke, etc. I have found that my mouth does not taste so nasty, like it tends to from smoking cigarettes. I am hoping that over time I will be able to completely switch to the E-cig and decrease my nicotine level and then eventually quit. This way I still have the hand to mouth movement so I should not be eating to replace it. Also you can purchase the flavors without any nicotine in them, so I can see how an E-cig would be very beneficial for anyone wanting to quit smoking. I do know that the cheap ones in the gas station do not work to good, so if you are wanting to make the switch, get yourself a good quality one. Crazy Vapors even has a website, so you do not have to live here to buy from them. Crazy vapors.com I am going to go up there and try some more flavors, they have hundreds of them and you can try any or all of them before you buy. They have the best customer service I have even seen too.

I am still waiting on them to call me with my new scheduled surgery date. I had it scheduled for the 13th but my insurance didn’t cover that hospital so now I am waiting for them to call me from the other hospital with the new date. The sooner the better. I do believe much of this horrible pain I am suffering with lately, is due to the growths and the fibroids that were also discovered. I do have many back problems and issues, but the pain, as of lately, has been horrible! I cannot even lay down to find relief. I am maxed out on my medications and the doctor will not go up any more, he also noted that after I recover from surgery I need to be weaned down on the medications too. So, I pray, ever so much, that I am pain free after this surgery! I am excited to be able to have the robot assisted hysterectomy. I did not want to have a large incision to heal from. I have had two other surgeries in my life that were done with scope/camera and had four small incisions and I did well recovering form them.

I had my tubes tied in October 1992, when my last child was about 7 months old. When I woke from that one I had really bad back pain and I was trying to get up off of the bed and they kept knocking me back out. I must of woke half a dozen times and tried to get up and then I was knocked back out again. Finally, the last time I woke I hollered that my back hurt and I needed to get up. They said they ended up having to put stitches in my little incision areas because I kept trying to get up. I felt so much better once I was able to get out of that bed in recovery.

I had my gallbladder removed in the spring of 2005. It stopped working and I had several months where I was sick and in a lot of pain until they finally sent me for testing. The normal tests did not show that my gallbladder was bad, but they sent me for a final test, the nuclear test and that one was very clear that my gallbladder was down to 12% function. I remember being scared, but I was grateful that I did not have to have a large incision to have it removed like my father did back in the day. When I woke in recovery after that one I felt like my belly button was on fire, but I passed back out quickly. It was a matter of seconds. Each time I woke up I would be awake for seconds and I would feel the burning feeling, but it got less and less every time I woke up, until I finally stayed awake in recovery and I felt just fine. My surgery was around 2 in the afternoon and I did not want to stay in the hospital. I hate hospitals. So I pestered them until they told me what I had to do in order to go home, then I did everything they required. Ate, used the bathroom and walked the entire floor. I was on my way home at 8pm that night. I took my pain meds as soon as I got home, even though I was not in pain. I was told to do this for a couple of days because it was better to keep the pain at bay then to wait until you hurt to take them. I did not sleep that entire night. The pain meds, which were hydrocodone, made me wired. That next day I decided I had better not take anymore pain meds, because your body must sleep in order to heal. I did sleep that night and then on day three and four I had a bunch of gas pain, which is from them pumping you up with gas for the surgery. I never once even felt my incision sites.

My daughter ended up having to quit her job, because my son just will not babysit for her and I am in no condition to even attempt to do it. I wanted her to have a job, but she doesn’t make enough to pay for regular daycare and barely had any money left after paying for babysitting and gas, the babysitting was so only $2/hr too. I don’t know anyone who will do it for that. He does start Pre-K this fall though, but it is only half days. Which reminds me, I need to go register him for that ASAP! My daughter was expecting everyone to do everything for her and she was treating everyone horrible. She really needs to learn from this and she definitely needs to be on some sort of medication. She must be Bipolar or BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) like I am, yet she is much much worse than I have ever been. She gets highs where she is bouncing off the walls and talking a lot and laughing, then very quickly she will be pissed off or depressed. She is also an alcoholic. I married two alcoholics and my two living kids from two different dads are both alcoholics, just like their fathers. I am not, nor have I ever been, a drinker. I don’t like the taste and I do not like the feeling.

I am trying to work on calming my stress levels down, because I do not want to go in for surgery and be as stressed out as I have been. I will not heal well. I am going to have someone get my inversion table out for me today and I am going to do a slight decline on it, in hopes it will help with some of this pain. I will also do deep breathing and meditation while I am on the inversion table. I must reduce the anxiety and stress I have going on. I want a smooth surgery and recovery. BTW: peppermint is excellent to help get rid of gas. Anytime you have a surgery with a scope you are pumped up with gas and your body has to get it out of you so you end up with a few days of gas pains. Sucking on peppermints or drinking peppermint tea sweetened with honey is an excellent way to expel the gas. I have started my list of what to bring to the hospital and what to have at home for when I return. The recovery period is 6-8 weeks for a hysterectomy even if you have it done using a robot. It is major surgery and you must rest. Your body will make you rest anyway, so plan to spend the first two weeks just resting and then gently moving about and taking short walks around the house………….

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This is my E-cig…

Decisions…

Isn’t it funny how when we are kids we want to make all our own choices and decisions. We don’t listen to our parents. Now, I find myself asking my mother what I should do all too often. I do not want to make choices or decisions anymore. I want someone else to handle it. I am overwhelmed and stressed to the point that I know I must find a way to relax and soon!

My adult kids go into it again. My son refuses to watch my grandson any longer. I don’t know if I should try to watch him myself or not. Actually, I do know, I cannot do it. I am already having trouble driving her to and from work. Though, It just feels so wrong to make her have to quit her job. She cannot afford to pay a regular babysitter. She pays my son $2/hr. And then doesn’t have much left afterwards, less than what she paid out for babysitting even. My son would watch him no problem, if she leaves and doesn’t come back, but leaves her son here again.

Her attitude is horrible. No one would want to deal with her the way she is, but at work she is completely different. She is an alcoholic too. I fear her taking off with my grandson, because she can be violent. She is very childish! I am so tired of being in the middle of this crap. Everyone wants her gone and they constantly bomb me with it. She has to be severely bipolar because she goes from one extreme to the next is a matter of seconds.

I do know that I have been so overly stressed out that I get double vision, dizzy and sick. That has to change before my surgery or I won’t heal and I will get sick. I have gained 8 pounds in the last two weeks of this crap! Even though I track all my food and I have a band that tracks my movements and it says I burn off more than I eat. That right there is STRESS!

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I am looking for everyone’s point of view here and what you all think would be my best course of action. The stress is making it impossible for me to think. So, please post away with your thoughts………….

Scheduling…

I was called yesterday with my surgery and pre-op date. They scheduled me for Friday June 13th at 7 am for my surgery. That date is also a full moon. My pre-op for June 5th at 1 pm. Then five minutes later they called back and said my insurance didn’t cover that hospital so I would have to wait until next week for them to call me with my new dates for a different hospital. The good thing is I will still be able to have the robotic assisted hysterectomy at the other hospital. That is very important to me. Not to have the large incision.

The hospital stay may be only one night, with the robotic assisted surgery. I do not like to be in the hospital, though with the way things are here, I am thinking it may be better at the hospital than here. I find the robotic assisted surgery fascinating! I have watched several on YouTube. They say in order to be fully prepared, you need to have knowledge of the surgery you are going to have. It is also valuable to talk to or read posts of other people’s experience with the surgery. I have read several posts and I feel comfortable with the procedures. I think what I fear is how much pain I will be in when I wake up. I am on high doses of chronic pain meds so they have to be sure to give me larger doses of pain meds while I am in the hospital or I will not have any relief from the pain.

Unfortunately, there is no end in sight to the negativity and fighting going on in my home. No matter what I do or say, they just cannot get along. I see next week being a huge issue when my son refuses to watch my grandson in order for my daughter to go to work. Today, my son tore up the door on the shed that is built into my house. He flipped out after my daughter got mad because they did not want to take her with them to go out to eat. Yelling, name calling and cussing followed. Tempers flared and my son demolished the door. My daughter said how she hopes he dies and it will be soon when he dies because he is insulin dependent diabetic and doesn’t take care of his blood levels and they are both alcoholics. I cried my eyes out and had to lay in bed. I couldn’t even move until I took my anxiety medication. I often feel sick and everything is bothering me anymore.

I am so tired of hiding in my room to avoid their crap and yet I still have to be stuck in the middle of it all on a daily basis. I keep saying I have nothing to do with their issues, but they make sure I am being screamed at, cussed at and dragged down when ever possible. My mind has completely shut down. I feel like I cannot function any longer. My body is exhausted even when I have not done a single thing. None of this is good to have going on prior to surgery. I did do a meditation yesterday and it helped until I began to hear yelling and nasty words. I’m just so very tired………….

Saw the GYN Oncologist today…

I saw my GYN Oncologist today. The CA-125 tumor marker blood test was 11.9 which is within a normal range. He stated he does not feel the growths are cancer, but I do have a decent size growth and fibroids which are causing me to have very heavy periods and increased pain. He said we could do ‘Watchful Waiting’ for three months or I could have a complete hysterectomy where he takes everything out, even my ovaries. I opted for the complete hysterectomy and I will be having it done with the use of robotic arms. I should receive a call by next Wednesday with my surgery date and the date to do all of the pre-op stuff. They said he is booked solid the next couple of weeks. I am hoping for it to be in June, anytime in June! The pre-op day I have to go to his office for an exam, testing and paperwork, then immediately after go to the hospital for an EKG, X-ray, blood work and to speak to the anesthesiologist. I must remember to make sure they are very aware of the amount of pain medications I am on for chronic pain so they can offer me enough medications in the hospital after the surgery.

The use of the robotic arm should allow me to leave the hospital the next day and I won’t have to deal with a large incision in my abdomen, which is super important to me. I do still have a 6-8 week recovery period though. I just want to know when it will be so I can get planned and organized for the day.

I am still having my two adult children come to me complaining about each other. Even though I have said repeatedly that they need to grow up and handle it all on their own and talk to each other? My son was complain a few months back about my daughter eating all the food they bought, now she is complaining about him eating all the food she bought. SMH! I for one, can no longer take the bickering and bantering back and forth! They are 25 and 22 years of age, grow the hell up now! I want to hide in my own house and keep headphones on so I don’t have to hear any of it and I don’t have to hear my daughter screaming at her son. Yes, big changes are coming! My birthday is August 15th and that is D day. Decision day, where I make the final decisions as to what is best for me and my health, without worrying about anyone else. They just have no clue how easy they have it here. I have always worried about all of them before I even considered myself and now I am in an environment that is killing me. It is sad when you hope you do not wake up after surgery so you no longer have to live in such a negative place! I need peace and quiet and I need loving support!

I am exhausted just from having to drive my daughter to work and pick her up every day this week along with the two doctor appointments I had. If I lay back in the chair in the living room I am quickly falling asleep, until someone yells or slams something anyway! My daughter is the queen of manipulation, but I know her too well and as soon as she got in the car when I picked her up today she started on me with wanting to go out and do something. Guess what, I am exhausted and I am not able to watch your son. I did not have any help at all with my three children and she has so much help her it is sickening how she complains about it all. How about everyone here just shut the hell up!

I am praying I sleep in tomorrow. Having to get up early to take her to work has been rough for me. I have to get up at least 1 1/2 hours before the time I have to leave, so my medications kick in and I can move about. Driving increases my pain levels too. I am not worried about the surgery, but I am concerned about being put on estrogen after the surgery which is what my doctor wants to do since the surgery will put me into instant menopause. I have an aunt, a nana and her two sisters that all had breast cancer after being on hormone therapy. I am currently researching natural ways to help instead of having the hormone therapy. I am off to bed now………….