The Dreary Winter Months…

Every year, since my son passed away, I fight the darkness of depression from Halloween into the New Year.  For the last 2 years, we have no been able to have a Christmas here, no money for that.  I try hard to just pretend it is just another day.  I do not decorate for it…

I know that moving to my parents is the best for me, but in order to do that, I have to find homes for my animals.  My dog is very old and one of the cats as well, so it would be best to put them down, but that costs money.  Every time I think about it I get very stressed out and I have to push it all away and not think about it or I end up with a Panic Attack!  I also need too have a Yard Sale, but I need help and I don’t have help.  So, here I am just trying to get through each day as it comes. Never knowing when I will be able to deal with it enough to take care of it all…

For 3 days now, it has been cold, cloudy and raining.  The lack of sunlight increases the depression.  It also increases my pain!  Getting through each day has been very difficult!  I am unable to do anything unless I am in a chair with pillows to sit on.  As I tried to clean up the kitchen, I fell out of the chair.  Just wonderful…

I have not felt another’s touch in over a year now.  I get lonely, but I can’t stand the thought of dealing with someone else.  I have become much more isolated and antisocial.  I often wonder why I have had three marriages end.  I fought to save the last two, but they were immature and cheaters.  I always said I would marry three times maximum and if the third one didn’t work out, I would be completely done and I am.  I don’t even have a life anymore.  Every day is the same.  This is NO Life at all.  Struggling just to survive, unable to afford to eat right, no one to help me and every moment is filled with chronic pain and depression, wondering when I will finally get to be done with this life…

I am having a Nerve Block on the 21st this month, praying it helps me some.  The problem is I have pain in so many areas, but it would be nice to not have one of the areas crushing me every day!   I truly feel like I am just wasting away.  Every single year, it gets worse!  My vehicle died over a year ago and my son’s girlfriends vehicle hasn’t run in five months now, yet they have not done a damn thing about it and getting to appoiappointments has  become very difficult.  So, I have been watching a lot of TV to occupy my mind away from everything!  Not being able to move much, has caused me to gain weight as well!  Like I said, no life at all………….

Another Year Older…

Yesterday I turned 47 years old.  It was a day, just like all the rest!  Nothing different really. I have always made my kids what ever they wanted for their birthday cake.  I have ALWAYS said “Everyone deserves a cake!”  Do you know what…. I have not had a birthday cake in several years now…

My mom and one of my sisters sent me gifts off my Amazon Wish List.  I received a Walking Dead shirt, Dark Chocolate Espresso beans, 2 essential oils and a cobalt blue glass spray bottle.  I make all the cleaners and detergents here.  My Brother did call me, but I truly hate being on the phone.  It is funny, I used to live on the phone in my 20’s, even had a headset, so I could be on the phone and do things.  But now, I HATE it…

My son and his girlfriend gave me hair clips, a big Mr. Goodbar and a New York Style Cheesecake.  I guess that was supposed to be my birthday cake, but no candles or anything and I really wanted birthday cake!  So, I made my homemade chocolate cupcakes and my homemade frosting for myself… SMH!

I am Disabled and try to survive on a VERY SMALL fixed income of $800 a month and pay the mortgage on my home, I can’t even cover the utilities and I can’t get any help here!  My car broke down last November and I have had to rely on my son’s girlfriend to take me to appointments and grocery shop once a month with $200 to get what is needed in the house and feed myself! (Which is why I can’t afford to get proper food). Her car broke down a couple of weeks ago.  She had taken the money out of her Christmas club account before it broke down, which was supposed to go towards the car, but it did not and is ALL gone now!  It is looking like it will be, at the very least, $500 + to fix it, none of us have the money…

I have to wait until fall, when it cools of here, before I can go through the shed and then have a yard sale for some money.  I will have to save every penny of it, because I will have to go live with my parents!  I will loose my home and privacy!  I have to find homes for my animals and put two of them down that are old!  But, I will be able to eat right and not have to worry about how I will get to appointments.  I am not sure what will happen when I switch my pain doctor to down there either.  Just when I finally got on something that helps some!  I don’t understand how I ended up here.  I worked hard, made good money and built a great life.  But, I married two very shitty men that fucked me over!  What do I do when my parents both die?  They are in their 70’s…

I try so hard to be positive and not think of the past or speculate the future!  It never seems to fail, my birthday always puts me in the dark place!  I also end up there every year on the date my son died, well actually it starts a good week before then!  I spend Halloween through New Years there as well.  The Holidays and my deceased sons birthday is in December too…

I have NO friends here and I rarely get out of my house.  I actually only have one friend and she has been my friend since we were ten years old, but she lives far away!  I miss friends, but here, everyone is either an alcoholic or on drugs!  So, I live just me in every way!  I have NO desire for another man in my life!  I NEED complete Peace & Quiet in order to not have massive Panic issues.  I just can’t deal with a mans B.S. anymore..

I go through spells where I feel it would all just be so much easier if I just dropped dead!  Oh how many times I have begged GOD to bring me back home!  I can’t take my own life, so that is the ONLY way…

(Here is a pic of my cupcakes)………….

Why Am I Even Here…

I don’t understand why I am even here anymore!  I live every moment of my life in pain.  I can barely even care for myself anymore.  My feet are numb, yet hurt so bad I don’t want to ever be on them.  I no longer have a running vehicle.  I can’t afford to buy food that is good for me and would help me feel better.  I barely survive…

I am grateful for my home!  I thank God every day for it.  Though, my mind feels under constant seize.  Sad, lost and alone.  I have chose to remain just me, as I have found I no longer am able to trust another, let alone feel love.  I have no desire to be with another man, but I do wish my best friend lived here.  To have someone to talk too…  Yet, I find myself preferring to be alone.  Having been married three times and having the last two cheat and leave me, surely has added to all of this.  I found men all seemed to just want sex, so I stopped applying make up or doing my hair.  I was always afraid to be alone.  Now I have come to a place where I do not want to be with another, something I never thought possible.  Though, it is most likely due to no longer having a uterus or ovaries, hormones…

Since 1995, I have dealt with Anxiety, Panic and at times Agoraphobia.  It took me a few years to teach myself to not notice other people, so I could go to the store without having full blown panic attacks.  I have had Depression my entire life.  Even as a small child, I recall feeling very sad and empty…

My two greatest fears were being abandoned and being in pain.  Now I live with both of those.  So, find a way to get passed your fears or you will surely live them!  Now, I wake to horrid pain and spend every waking moment in pain, wishing I would not ever wake again. Barely able to even care for myself or to do the basic chores required of a home.  I am on edge, irritable and empty.  Even noise seems to drive me mad in my mind!  I need it quiet, but my adult son lives with me and when he is home it is rarely quiet.  He will play music loudly in his room, causing my head to feel like it will surely explode.  I do not like to ever leave the house, which I only do when I have a doctors appointment and once a month to obtain groceries with the little I have.  I know eating only naturely occurring food helps with much of my issues, but I only have $150 a month to buy food and household items with.  When you eat only naturely occurring foods, you need a lot of them to sustain you…

I am constantly reminded that the rich can obtain what they need and the poor are left to suffer.  I can not see the point of letting myself suffer every moment of my life, yet I could never end my own life.  I was on my death bed in the summer of 2014, I had a huge surgery to save my life!  For what?  I keep telling myself that I am here for a reason and one day I will have the answers.  As if dealing with a great deal of pain wasn’t bad enough, I also have a depressed and lost mind.  My husband left me a month after that surgery, when I discovered messages from him to his friend stating he was seeing a girl at work.  I asked him to come home and talk, to do something to save the marriage.  He came home only to pack his things and leave, all while I was recovering from a huge surgery that saved my life…

I think of how I wasted all the years when my children were young and when I actually had a family.  I never felt happy, everything was always a great effort for me.  Constantly trying to do the right thing.  I never allowed myself to enjoy the family I had.  Consumed by worry, scared I would loose one of my children.  Only to have my oldest taken from me in a car accident when he was only 16!  A life wasted to worry, fear, stress, depression, panic and anxiety.  Then I was beaten by a gang of men who were going after my neighbor in 2010.  That was the beginning of chronic pain, that has become worse each and every year…

So, I ask this, “Why I am here?”  Surely, I do not deserve so much pain and suffering.  I spent a lifetime choosing what was right, good and just.  No one deserves to be in constant pain and to have a depressed mind with flares of Anxiety and Panic, no matter what they have done or have not done………….

Depression finds me yet again….

My spouse has been gone well over a month now. I felt happy and relieved of all the negativity he brought into the home. But, now I have been fighting with some serious depression the last few days. I know this happens to me sometimes, but it has been extremely difficult to want to be alive!

All I ever wanted was to be married to one man and be with that man until I died. I didn’t ask for men that lied and cheated, then left! I never deserved any of it! I hate trying to find someone that seems to fit with me. Just a boyfriend to see once a week even would be nice, for the intimate touching and togetherness. I seem to have men that just want to have sex or men that are liars and fakes or men I am not attracted to at all. It seems to me that all men must be liars and cheaters. I have never known a man that wasn’t one. My father even was. I want to find my best friend, that I can talk to about anything. Someone that doesn’t feel the need to drink all the time or lie constantly. And one who has enough energy to go out and do things.

I have an ultrasound this Thursday and next Wednesday I am supposed to get the stent removed from my ureter. I’m also having full body hot flashes several times a day now. Maybe I need to be on hormones.

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What’s Been Going On…

My husband left last Thursday to take his week vacation by himself. The only time we ever do anything together is during his vacation. He wanted to go by himself and I am always stuck here at this house. He has been distant, so I can only assume he is no longer wanting to be here with me. All he seems to care about is himself and his precious truck. He blew money we didn’t even have on the truck to try to impress people and I needed a list of things. I still have 1-3 more weeks of recovery and restrictions. I cant say how shitty it was for him to take his vacation during my recovery and then to go by himself. What an asshole. Why do I keep marrying assholes?

I have been feeling better over all, but still struggle with pain as the day wears on. I also have spells of depression every afternoon that goes into the evening but usually lifts by the time I go to bed or is gone by morning, only to do it again in the afternoon, every single day!

The last three mornings I have woke to pee trickling out of me. I don’t understand why it is doing that. I had no issues the first week after catheter removal. I wake two times in the night to pee, so why the hell is this happening in the morning?

My son made me feel good. He said how good I look and even after surgeries I still was beautiful. I can no longer wear make up. I put it on the other day and my face broke out. I guess lots of things in my body are changing from having my uterus, cervix, ovaries and tubes removed.

I feel so alone and lonely. At least I am able to do some cleaning now. I have to do small sections and then rest, but I can get something done every day. It helps to occupy my mind. I want to clean out the closet but that requires a lot of lifting and I am not supposed to lift things or push or pull things. I don’t need anymore problems, so I need to follow the rules!

I wish I was sharing my life with someone that had the same interests as I do and someone that showed their love for me. I guess I am supposed to learn how to be happy alone in this life.

I am off to find something to clean, so I can occupy my mind away from all the depressing things and feel like I accomplished something today………….

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Me without makeup on…

More Disappointment…

So, “B” decides he is going to change jobs and he starts the new one next week. I had told him to tell them up front that he could not work on the 30th due to my surgery. When he returned yesterday from doing the paperwork for the new job, I asked about the 30th and he said it didn’t look like he would be able to have it off. Really!?! Thank God my mother is driving up here for my surgery. I must of known inside this would happen since I listed her as my next of kin and who can make decisions for me.

It is just so hurtful. I used to be the most important person to him and he followed me around like a lost puppy. I don’t understand why I deserve this. In my greatest time of need!

I have been wondering if all the horrible pain I am in every day of my life will go away after the surgery. I also wonder what they will find once they are in there and can actually see everything. I have a fear of them having to cut me wide open. I do not want that! I have no one to talk to about how I feel and my fears. “B” can’t handle it and everything turns into a fight. My kids can’t handle the truth either. I talk to my mom, but I have to hold back some because she gets upset and worries.

I did get the things made that I needed to do before my surgery. In order to have enough supply while I recover. Laundry detergent, dishwasher detergent, thieves oil blend which I use for an all purpose cleaner and my bug oil blends that I make a bug spray with.

Now next week I have scheduled small tasks each day. One day I will dust my bedroom, another day I will clean the bathroom. Mind you these tasks take me the entire day to perform. Some things I won’t be able to do either. Wash my sheets the day before surgery. All so I can have a clean environment when I get home from the hospital.

The day before surgery is going to be loads of fun, NOT! That is when I have to shower when I get up with antiseptic wash and then go the entire day on a clear liquid diet along with drinking the magnesium citrate and in the evening I have to do an enema followed by another shower with antiseptic wash. When I get up on surgery day I have to once again shower with the antiseptic wash, then through on my clothes and go to the hospital. The wash says to wash the area from neck down for five minutes, then rinse and pat dry. Keep away from the private areas! I never had to do this before surgery before. I guess it is an extra step to make sure the area is as clean as possible. Three showers in a 24 hour period will wipe me out! That is why I only scheduled to wash my sheets that day.

My pain is off the charts. I have to take my grandson to his speech appointment in a few minutes. The area around my left hip is throbbing in pain and it goes all the way down my left leg into my left foot. My daughter wants me to take her grocery shopping too, but I told her I will have to come home and take a nap first………….

I had a Melt Down…

I had been so tired of being ignored and left alone. Having promises made to me, but never kept. Feeling like I am unloved and unwanted!

On Sunday “B” asked me to go out to eat with him on Monday. I was excited about doing something, anything together. Then on Monday, he said we weren’t going to eat because he put a pot of beans on. I told him that was wrong when he invited me out. He had said he would take me out as soon as I got back from taking my grandson to the doctor. I got ready and put on makeup before I left. When I returned home “B” wasn’t even here. I had to message him a few times before he even responded to where he was. He was supposed to drop my son off to do a yard, but stayed with him instead. He then said it would be an hour before he came home. I had not eaten all day, waiting for us to go out. I was upset that I was being left to wait an hour, then after 30 minutes he came home and went to the bedroom saying he was going into work. WTF? He couldn’t come home to take me out like he said, but he could run home to go to work because someone called out. That’s when I lost it…..

He didn’t care what I said, so I said the D word to get his attention. Divorce… He flipped out and began punching the crap out of the wall in the shower. He has major anger issues. All he cares about is his precious truck and doing what he wants. He screamed at me for a long time. He said some really crappy things. I tried to tell him how bad I felt over all the stuff lately and how I was tired of him making promises and never doing them. I am sick of him breaking crap in my house and how would he feel if I busted the window on his precious truck like he did to the Camaro I had, which he also did everything possible to get rid of it on me even though it was sentimental to me for my dead son. I told him if we got divorced he would have to pay me alimony and if we didn’t agree he would have to sell his truck. He didn’t believe me. He better stop and think it through. The truck is in his name, but we are married and he bought it while we are married. So it is both of ours. He married me disabled and unable to work, so there is alimony. He told me all I care about is money. Funny, when he makes more than twice what I get a month and I pay the mortgage which is more than half of the bills!

I can’t keep living this way. I am sick and in so much pain. I need someone to support me and put me first in their life. Isn’t that what you do when your married? When we were first together I even went over a list of what I had to have in a relationship because I was not wasting years of my life again. He pretended to be those things for almost two years. Long enough to marry me anyway. We have been together for 8 years and married 7 years. I don’t deserve this shit, damn it! He went to take off in his truck and I said fine you do that, then I grabbed the phone and he was all worried I was going to call the cops on him or that I had a boyfriend. When I almost never even leave the house and when I do someone is with me. My ex husband accused me of that when he was cheating on me. All signs point to this and his actions say he doesn’t give a shit about me.

I don’t know what to do now. I know I can’t keep this up. I deserve far batter than this. I gave him everything…. Why can’t if find a man that will give me everything and put me first? Be supportive of me and communicate with me. Actually take care of me!

I will get through this damn month and the tests. I will have my surgery next month and I will recover. August is still my deadline for choices and decisions to be made. I feel so horrible that all I want to do is die so I no longer suffer in pain or be left alone and treated like shit. If I didn’t care it would all be so much easier for me! It feels like death is my only option anymore………….

The Loss of a Child…

My oldest child passed away at the age of 16 1/2 in 2003… His name is Keith and my grandson is also named Keith, he is 3 years old. My daughters tribute to my son/ her brother.

It was June 7th, 2003! I will never forget this day and all the events. It was a Saturday… Though his actual death date is June 8, 2003 because he passed just minutes before midnight and the official call is not made until the coroner arrives. Below is my story:

In May of 2006, my husband and two of my kids were packing up our house to move from Georgia to Southern Illinois. I lost my job and my husband, at that time, was unable to find enough work to pay our mortgage. We listed the house for rent. My oldest child, Keith, was staying with my parents and was to come move up with us mid summer. He had a girlfriend and he didn’t want to leave yet. On the 25th we set sail to our new home with my best friend since age of ten. I remember standing in the driveway hugging my oldest son and us both crying. He said to me, “I feel like I am never going to see you again!” I told him not to worry as he would soon be up there with us. We drove the 8 hours and arrived at our location. We were staying in the cabin at my friends house until we were able to get on our feet. Keith called me almost every day and we would talk for a little bit on the phone. He told me how he had purchased several calling cards so he could always call me.

On Saturday June 7, 2003 I had an over whelming urge to speak with my son Keith. I called my parents house around 11 am, but Keith was still sleeping. I told my mother how I just really needed to talk to him and to let him know I would call the next day at noon for him again. That night my best friend had broken out in hives and was having trouble breathing. Her husband and I took her to the ER when we realized it was not getting any better. While I was standing in the ER next to the bed she was on, I looked at the clock. It read 10:57 and for some reason I felt the time was very important, so I remember it and continued on. We made it back to the house around midnight or so and within 30 minutes I was in bed. At 2 am my best friends husband came into the cabin and told me that my friend from back in Georgia was on the phone and needed to talk to me. I was annoyed and said, “what does she think I can do in the middle of the night”, but I went to the house and picked up the phone. My best friend was there and told me I needed to sit down because the call was about Keith. I answered the phone and the friend in Georgia said that the boys were killed in a car accident. I felt pure shock! She explained that neither had come home and my mom had been out looking for Keith and she had been looking for her son. Earlier in the day her son had picked up my son to hang out together.she said a girl was driving and both our sons were killed but the driver lived. Still feeling dazed and in shock I hung up and called my parents house. My father answered the phone and I could hear my mother screaming in the back ground. The police had just arrived to tell them that Keith had passed in an auto accident. I asked why he wasn’t home. My father said he had left earlier with his friend and he always came home on time so my mother had went looking for him with his girlfriend but they never found him. The officer said they needed Keith’s dental records to identify him because the body was badly burned. I hung up the phone and walked out on my friends porch. I remember feeling nothing. Not one single emotions, nothing at all. I stared off for some time and then asked them to go wake my husband. When he approached me, all the emotions flooded wide open and I began to ball my eyes out. He said he needed to get some sleep so he could drive us back down to Georgia later that day. I tried to sleep, but I couldn’t. All I did was cry and feel like my heart had been ripped from within me. I sat outside in the swing the rest of the night. When my daughter woke and came outside I told her what happened. She didn’t believe me and thought I was making it all up. She finally realized I was telling the truth and she cried with me for a while. When my youngest son came out and I told him what happened, he ran off screaming. I called my sister and told her then had my husband call everyone else and then we packed up the car and went back to Georgia.

I had to go to the funeral home and make the arrangements for my son. I remembered how not long before I had left, he told me if he died he wanted to be cremated. Since he was burnt so badly it was impossible to see him again. I scheduled his funeral for that Wednesday, June 11th. I went and looked at the accident site. My anxiety, panic and depression all engulfed me. Two of my sisters came and some of my nieces and nephews as well. At the funeral I was a mess. Going from panic to severe depression as fast as you could blink your eye. During the funeral I was composed until they folded the flag and gave it to me, then again when they played the song I had pick for him. His favorite song was “when I’m gone” by three doors down. When it was time for me to walk out, I rose and made it a few feet into the isle, then the sobbing over came me and I collapsed. My husband had to carry me out to a sofa. Many people who knew Keith came up to me, but I was crying so hard I could not even tell you who they were or what they looked like. I stayed at my parents for a few more days and then we came back to Illinois and I carried my sons ashes with me.

After we returned, my best friend and her husband were not getting along anymore. They were fighting and ultimately separated in July. We found a house to rent in town in September. I spent a good six months in bed, I didn’t cook or clean or do anything after my son died. I placed my son ashes in a beautiful urn made of marble with a dragon etched upon it and his name and dates.
Keith R. Krogmann II, 12/18/1986 – 06/08/2003
I found out that my son had actually died right around 11:57 pm on 06/07/2003. Remember when I was in the ER that night with my best friend and I looked at the clock. There is a one hour time difference from Ga to IL. So when I saw 10:57 pm, it was 11:57 pm in Georgia! This is what happened:

My sons friend, Bradley, asked him to come out with him because he was upset with his parents for some reason. They spent a few hours goofing off, then they put Bradley’s car in the parking lot at the grocery store so his parents wouldn’t find him. They both went with a friend from school named, Jennifer. Keith’s girlfriend was also with them and they hung out for the day. They took Keith’s girlfriend home and then Jennifer was going to drop Bradley off at a friends house for him to stay the night then bring Keith back home. They were on the way to Bradley’s friends house when Jennifer lost control of the car. She was driving extremely fast and it was lightly raining out, late at night. She slid the length of a football field and slammed into a tree, then the car bounced uphill off the tree, spun around and landed in a low lying area in the front of some woods. She said that Bradley was unconscious and bleeding from his ears….. She said Keith was unconscious as well. She got out of the car and flagged down a vehicle to call 911. I heard the 911 tape about a year later. The lady calling 911 said the car had a fire in it and to hurry. You could hear Jennifer screaming, begging for someone to do something and then she ran toward the car, the lady yelling for her to stop, then the lady says, “oh my god! The car is engulfed in flames! There is no way they can live through this!” When the fire department finally arrived, they had to put out the fire then cut open the car to get to the boys. There were burn marks in the grass where they laid each of them.

The driver of the car was sentenced with two counts of vehicular homicide, wreck less driving and breaking the rules for someone who was 16 and only had her license for two weeks. She was ordered to do talks at schools about the dangers of wreck less driving, but she refused to do it. So they put her in a home until she turned 18.

I experienced all the stages of Grief….. The immediate shock and feeling no emotions. The denial that it was not real or true. Trying to bargain with God to have my son back. Guilt, and this is the one that still gets me, thinking I could of changed it if I was there, or I wasn’t a good enough mother and so on… Wanting to die, because a part of me died that night and you are NEVER the same again! Severe depression, sleeping too much, crying to much, feeling that death is the only answer, not wanting to have any fun if my son couldn’t be here to have fun, hating God…… Not fearing death at all anymore. Risky behavior, which happens because you just don’t care if you die anymore! The gut wrenching pain that never goes completely away. Deep and utter sadness. The death of a child will either bring a husband and wife closer or it will cause a divorce in the end. For me, it ended in a divorce three years later when my husband decided that he wanted to do drugs and have sex with other women. Having a support system would of really been helpful, but I did not and I do not have one. I lived and now even live away from all my family other than my kids and when my son died even my best friend was unable to really be there for me. I think I ended up living only because I out myself in intense private therapy, plus group therapy and DBT therapy…… Although, I do still to this day, have times where I am sucked back into the darkness and I just want the pain to stop!

It has been ten years and it still hurts deeply. I do not break down as often as I used too, but the pain is always there. I went through wanting to die and even having a plan on how I was going to do it. Right after my sons death I put myself in therapy and stayed in therapy for a solid three years. I realized I needed medication and I gave in and took what ever the doctor felt would help. I have had insomnia since his death. I do not sleep without medication. Every year around his death date I get very depressed. Also each year right at Halloween, thanksgiving, his birthday and Christmas as well. From October through December I have to battle severe depression. The worse pain in the world is the death of your child. No one should ever have to experience it!

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Ranting…….

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. My pain level was off the charts and the stress, of all the things that occurred in that day, sent me spiraling down quickly. Stress increases pain levels and brings on deep bouts of severe depression in me. I felt like I was going to snap. I did not want to say or do something to my innocent family members, so I informed them how I was feeling and then told them that I was going to stay in my room all day so I did not go off on them when they did not deserve it. Then I was going to just go to bed, but my anger was so high I couldn’t be still, regardless of the pain being way up. I chose to clean out my closet. That would occupy my mind, which I desperately needed, and keep me moving. Of course, it took the entire day because I had to sit and take breaks often and I had to move slowly. But I did complete the task, then I was in so much pain and my mind no longer occupied, that I was in tears. I couldn’t even sit back in a chair.

A typical day for me goes something like this:
Wake early to severe pain, get up and wobble to the bathroom where I take my medication and sit down while doing slow deep breathing and very gentle stretches of my back and neck. I check my email and FB and search the web to occupy my mind from the pain as much as it can. Once I feel I can go back to bed, which is usually two hours later, I crawl back in my bed. Then I sleep for a couple of hours and wake to pain and repeat the process, except I don’t usually go back to bed after that.
Then I throw in any laundry that needs to be done. If possible I try to pick a chore to be done that day. Like dusting, but I can only do a small area. I have to sit and move slowly. (No one else in this house cleans anything, except the kitchen gets cleaned up by them on most days. Just cleaned up, not clean clean!). Many days I can’t even do a small chore. Often I find I need total peace and quiet so I end up in my room much of the day. My grandson is three and I love him to death but he just doesn’t understand and he climbs all over me, which hurts like hell!
Many days I have to take a two hour nap in the mid to late afternoon. I do not eat until the evening, since my stomach tends to not feel very well. Mostly due to the pain I have to endure.
I try to spend at the least the last 30 minutes before his bedtime, with my grandson. Then he usually will snuggle. Then he goes to bed at 10pm and I read.
I find that I can’t usual think of anything to eat and I can’t handle standing in the kitchen long enough to cook something. So I pretty much eat cereal and pickles.

What sucks is how I used to be. I cooked and cleaned and worked, while raising three kids. I always had emotional issues, but I never had to deal with constant agonizing pain like I do now and have for the last few years. I often feel like I have no life at all. I am sick and tired of being in so much pain every single day of my life! After these few years I feel it will never stop. There are many more things the doctor could be trying, but they just always push for me to get my injections. I have had a dozen of them and the most relief I ever received was for one week. I hurt in so many places and the injections can only be done in one spot at a visit. So I can suffer through the horrible pain of the injection in my tailbone and have relief from the tailbone for about a week, or I can have it done on my neck and maybe get a week. The ones on my lumbar and thoracic spine have done nothing at all. My entire spine is messed up. My pain is my neck, shoulder, elbows, down left arm at times, low back, hips, tailbone, left leg, knees, ankles and feet. Along with numbness in my three middle toes on both feet.

So yes, I often feel like I have NO life at all. I have NO support system. I live far away from my parents and siblings and their families. It’s just me and the couple of people who live in my house. My son and my grandson…… I am usually alone and hiding out in my room to avoid being hurt more or having to deal with attitudes, which makes the pain even worse. I push and push myself just to get through each and every day. Only to repeat the hell of life the next day, over and over. What a life! Now back to bed it is for me and my crushing pain…..