The Dreary Winter Months…

Every year, since my son passed away, I fight the darkness of depression from Halloween into the New Year.  For the last 2 years, we have no been able to have a Christmas here, no money for that.  I try hard to just pretend it is just another day.  I do not decorate for it…

I know that moving to my parents is the best for me, but in order to do that, I have to find homes for my animals.  My dog is very old and one of the cats as well, so it would be best to put them down, but that costs money.  Every time I think about it I get very stressed out and I have to push it all away and not think about it or I end up with a Panic Attack!  I also need too have a Yard Sale, but I need help and I don’t have help.  So, here I am just trying to get through each day as it comes. Never knowing when I will be able to deal with it enough to take care of it all…

For 3 days now, it has been cold, cloudy and raining.  The lack of sunlight increases the depression.  It also increases my pain!  Getting through each day has been very difficult!  I am unable to do anything unless I am in a chair with pillows to sit on.  As I tried to clean up the kitchen, I fell out of the chair.  Just wonderful…

I have not felt another’s touch in over a year now.  I get lonely, but I can’t stand the thought of dealing with someone else.  I have become much more isolated and antisocial.  I often wonder why I have had three marriages end.  I fought to save the last two, but they were immature and cheaters.  I always said I would marry three times maximum and if the third one didn’t work out, I would be completely done and I am.  I don’t even have a life anymore.  Every day is the same.  This is NO Life at all.  Struggling just to survive, unable to afford to eat right, no one to help me and every moment is filled with chronic pain and depression, wondering when I will finally get to be done with this life…

I am having a Nerve Block on the 21st this month, praying it helps me some.  The problem is I have pain in so many areas, but it would be nice to not have one of the areas crushing me every day!   I truly feel like I am just wasting away.  Every single year, it gets worse!  My vehicle died over a year ago and my son’s girlfriends vehicle hasn’t run in five months now, yet they have not done a damn thing about it and getting to appoiappointments has  become very difficult.  So, I have been watching a lot of TV to occupy my mind away from everything!  Not being able to move much, has caused me to gain weight as well!  Like I said, no life at all………….

Another Year Older…

Yesterday I turned 47 years old.  It was a day, just like all the rest!  Nothing different really. I have always made my kids what ever they wanted for their birthday cake.  I have ALWAYS said “Everyone deserves a cake!”  Do you know what…. I have not had a birthday cake in several years now…

My mom and one of my sisters sent me gifts off my Amazon Wish List.  I received a Walking Dead shirt, Dark Chocolate Espresso beans, 2 essential oils and a cobalt blue glass spray bottle.  I make all the cleaners and detergents here.  My Brother did call me, but I truly hate being on the phone.  It is funny, I used to live on the phone in my 20’s, even had a headset, so I could be on the phone and do things.  But now, I HATE it…

My son and his girlfriend gave me hair clips, a big Mr. Goodbar and a New York Style Cheesecake.  I guess that was supposed to be my birthday cake, but no candles or anything and I really wanted birthday cake!  So, I made my homemade chocolate cupcakes and my homemade frosting for myself… SMH!

I am Disabled and try to survive on a VERY SMALL fixed income of $800 a month and pay the mortgage on my home, I can’t even cover the utilities and I can’t get any help here!  My car broke down last November and I have had to rely on my son’s girlfriend to take me to appointments and grocery shop once a month with $200 to get what is needed in the house and feed myself! (Which is why I can’t afford to get proper food). Her car broke down a couple of weeks ago.  She had taken the money out of her Christmas club account before it broke down, which was supposed to go towards the car, but it did not and is ALL gone now!  It is looking like it will be, at the very least, $500 + to fix it, none of us have the money…

I have to wait until fall, when it cools of here, before I can go through the shed and then have a yard sale for some money.  I will have to save every penny of it, because I will have to go live with my parents!  I will loose my home and privacy!  I have to find homes for my animals and put two of them down that are old!  But, I will be able to eat right and not have to worry about how I will get to appointments.  I am not sure what will happen when I switch my pain doctor to down there either.  Just when I finally got on something that helps some!  I don’t understand how I ended up here.  I worked hard, made good money and built a great life.  But, I married two very shitty men that fucked me over!  What do I do when my parents both die?  They are in their 70’s…

I try so hard to be positive and not think of the past or speculate the future!  It never seems to fail, my birthday always puts me in the dark place!  I also end up there every year on the date my son died, well actually it starts a good week before then!  I spend Halloween through New Years there as well.  The Holidays and my deceased sons birthday is in December too…

I have NO friends here and I rarely get out of my house.  I actually only have one friend and she has been my friend since we were ten years old, but she lives far away!  I miss friends, but here, everyone is either an alcoholic or on drugs!  So, I live just me in every way!  I have NO desire for another man in my life!  I NEED complete Peace & Quiet in order to not have massive Panic issues.  I just can’t deal with a mans B.S. anymore..

I go through spells where I feel it would all just be so much easier if I just dropped dead!  Oh how many times I have begged GOD to bring me back home!  I can’t take my own life, so that is the ONLY way…

(Here is a pic of my cupcakes)………….

Why Am I Even Here…

I don’t understand why I am even here anymore!  I live every moment of my life in pain.  I can barely even care for myself anymore.  My feet are numb, yet hurt so bad I don’t want to ever be on them.  I no longer have a running vehicle.  I can’t afford to buy food that is good for me and would help me feel better.  I barely survive…

I am grateful for my home!  I thank God every day for it.  Though, my mind feels under constant seize.  Sad, lost and alone.  I have chose to remain just me, as I have found I no longer am able to trust another, let alone feel love.  I have no desire to be with another man, but I do wish my best friend lived here.  To have someone to talk too…  Yet, I find myself preferring to be alone.  Having been married three times and having the last two cheat and leave me, surely has added to all of this.  I found men all seemed to just want sex, so I stopped applying make up or doing my hair.  I was always afraid to be alone.  Now I have come to a place where I do not want to be with another, something I never thought possible.  Though, it is most likely due to no longer having a uterus or ovaries, hormones…

Since 1995, I have dealt with Anxiety, Panic and at times Agoraphobia.  It took me a few years to teach myself to not notice other people, so I could go to the store without having full blown panic attacks.  I have had Depression my entire life.  Even as a small child, I recall feeling very sad and empty…

My two greatest fears were being abandoned and being in pain.  Now I live with both of those.  So, find a way to get passed your fears or you will surely live them!  Now, I wake to horrid pain and spend every waking moment in pain, wishing I would not ever wake again. Barely able to even care for myself or to do the basic chores required of a home.  I am on edge, irritable and empty.  Even noise seems to drive me mad in my mind!  I need it quiet, but my adult son lives with me and when he is home it is rarely quiet.  He will play music loudly in his room, causing my head to feel like it will surely explode.  I do not like to ever leave the house, which I only do when I have a doctors appointment and once a month to obtain groceries with the little I have.  I know eating only naturely occurring food helps with much of my issues, but I only have $150 a month to buy food and household items with.  When you eat only naturely occurring foods, you need a lot of them to sustain you…

I am constantly reminded that the rich can obtain what they need and the poor are left to suffer.  I can not see the point of letting myself suffer every moment of my life, yet I could never end my own life.  I was on my death bed in the summer of 2014, I had a huge surgery to save my life!  For what?  I keep telling myself that I am here for a reason and one day I will have the answers.  As if dealing with a great deal of pain wasn’t bad enough, I also have a depressed and lost mind.  My husband left me a month after that surgery, when I discovered messages from him to his friend stating he was seeing a girl at work.  I asked him to come home and talk, to do something to save the marriage.  He came home only to pack his things and leave, all while I was recovering from a huge surgery that saved my life…

I think of how I wasted all the years when my children were young and when I actually had a family.  I never felt happy, everything was always a great effort for me.  Constantly trying to do the right thing.  I never allowed myself to enjoy the family I had.  Consumed by worry, scared I would loose one of my children.  Only to have my oldest taken from me in a car accident when he was only 16!  A life wasted to worry, fear, stress, depression, panic and anxiety.  Then I was beaten by a gang of men who were going after my neighbor in 2010.  That was the beginning of chronic pain, that has become worse each and every year…

So, I ask this, “Why I am here?”  Surely, I do not deserve so much pain and suffering.  I spent a lifetime choosing what was right, good and just.  No one deserves to be in constant pain and to have a depressed mind with flares of Anxiety and Panic, no matter what they have done or have not done………….

Depression finds me yet again….

My spouse has been gone well over a month now. I felt happy and relieved of all the negativity he brought into the home. But, now I have been fighting with some serious depression the last few days. I know this happens to me sometimes, but it has been extremely difficult to want to be alive!

All I ever wanted was to be married to one man and be with that man until I died. I didn’t ask for men that lied and cheated, then left! I never deserved any of it! I hate trying to find someone that seems to fit with me. Just a boyfriend to see once a week even would be nice, for the intimate touching and togetherness. I seem to have men that just want to have sex or men that are liars and fakes or men I am not attracted to at all. It seems to me that all men must be liars and cheaters. I have never known a man that wasn’t one. My father even was. I want to find my best friend, that I can talk to about anything. Someone that doesn’t feel the need to drink all the time or lie constantly. And one who has enough energy to go out and do things.

I have an ultrasound this Thursday and next Wednesday I am supposed to get the stent removed from my ureter. I’m also having full body hot flashes several times a day now. Maybe I need to be on hormones.

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What’s Been Going On…

My husband left last Thursday to take his week vacation by himself. The only time we ever do anything together is during his vacation. He wanted to go by himself and I am always stuck here at this house. He has been distant, so I can only assume he is no longer wanting to be here with me. All he seems to care about is himself and his precious truck. He blew money we didn’t even have on the truck to try to impress people and I needed a list of things. I still have 1-3 more weeks of recovery and restrictions. I cant say how shitty it was for him to take his vacation during my recovery and then to go by himself. What an asshole. Why do I keep marrying assholes?

I have been feeling better over all, but still struggle with pain as the day wears on. I also have spells of depression every afternoon that goes into the evening but usually lifts by the time I go to bed or is gone by morning, only to do it again in the afternoon, every single day!

The last three mornings I have woke to pee trickling out of me. I don’t understand why it is doing that. I had no issues the first week after catheter removal. I wake two times in the night to pee, so why the hell is this happening in the morning?

My son made me feel good. He said how good I look and even after surgeries I still was beautiful. I can no longer wear make up. I put it on the other day and my face broke out. I guess lots of things in my body are changing from having my uterus, cervix, ovaries and tubes removed.

I feel so alone and lonely. At least I am able to do some cleaning now. I have to do small sections and then rest, but I can get something done every day. It helps to occupy my mind. I want to clean out the closet but that requires a lot of lifting and I am not supposed to lift things or push or pull things. I don’t need anymore problems, so I need to follow the rules!

I wish I was sharing my life with someone that had the same interests as I do and someone that showed their love for me. I guess I am supposed to learn how to be happy alone in this life.

I am off to find something to clean, so I can occupy my mind away from all the depressing things and feel like I accomplished something today………….

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Me without makeup on…

More Disappointment…

So, “B” decides he is going to change jobs and he starts the new one next week. I had told him to tell them up front that he could not work on the 30th due to my surgery. When he returned yesterday from doing the paperwork for the new job, I asked about the 30th and he said it didn’t look like he would be able to have it off. Really!?! Thank God my mother is driving up here for my surgery. I must of known inside this would happen since I listed her as my next of kin and who can make decisions for me.

It is just so hurtful. I used to be the most important person to him and he followed me around like a lost puppy. I don’t understand why I deserve this. In my greatest time of need!

I have been wondering if all the horrible pain I am in every day of my life will go away after the surgery. I also wonder what they will find once they are in there and can actually see everything. I have a fear of them having to cut me wide open. I do not want that! I have no one to talk to about how I feel and my fears. “B” can’t handle it and everything turns into a fight. My kids can’t handle the truth either. I talk to my mom, but I have to hold back some because she gets upset and worries.

I did get the things made that I needed to do before my surgery. In order to have enough supply while I recover. Laundry detergent, dishwasher detergent, thieves oil blend which I use for an all purpose cleaner and my bug oil blends that I make a bug spray with.

Now next week I have scheduled small tasks each day. One day I will dust my bedroom, another day I will clean the bathroom. Mind you these tasks take me the entire day to perform. Some things I won’t be able to do either. Wash my sheets the day before surgery. All so I can have a clean environment when I get home from the hospital.

The day before surgery is going to be loads of fun, NOT! That is when I have to shower when I get up with antiseptic wash and then go the entire day on a clear liquid diet along with drinking the magnesium citrate and in the evening I have to do an enema followed by another shower with antiseptic wash. When I get up on surgery day I have to once again shower with the antiseptic wash, then through on my clothes and go to the hospital. The wash says to wash the area from neck down for five minutes, then rinse and pat dry. Keep away from the private areas! I never had to do this before surgery before. I guess it is an extra step to make sure the area is as clean as possible. Three showers in a 24 hour period will wipe me out! That is why I only scheduled to wash my sheets that day.

My pain is off the charts. I have to take my grandson to his speech appointment in a few minutes. The area around my left hip is throbbing in pain and it goes all the way down my left leg into my left foot. My daughter wants me to take her grocery shopping too, but I told her I will have to come home and take a nap first………….

I had a Melt Down…

I had been so tired of being ignored and left alone. Having promises made to me, but never kept. Feeling like I am unloved and unwanted!

On Sunday “B” asked me to go out to eat with him on Monday. I was excited about doing something, anything together. Then on Monday, he said we weren’t going to eat because he put a pot of beans on. I told him that was wrong when he invited me out. He had said he would take me out as soon as I got back from taking my grandson to the doctor. I got ready and put on makeup before I left. When I returned home “B” wasn’t even here. I had to message him a few times before he even responded to where he was. He was supposed to drop my son off to do a yard, but stayed with him instead. He then said it would be an hour before he came home. I had not eaten all day, waiting for us to go out. I was upset that I was being left to wait an hour, then after 30 minutes he came home and went to the bedroom saying he was going into work. WTF? He couldn’t come home to take me out like he said, but he could run home to go to work because someone called out. That’s when I lost it…..

He didn’t care what I said, so I said the D word to get his attention. Divorce… He flipped out and began punching the crap out of the wall in the shower. He has major anger issues. All he cares about is his precious truck and doing what he wants. He screamed at me for a long time. He said some really crappy things. I tried to tell him how bad I felt over all the stuff lately and how I was tired of him making promises and never doing them. I am sick of him breaking crap in my house and how would he feel if I busted the window on his precious truck like he did to the Camaro I had, which he also did everything possible to get rid of it on me even though it was sentimental to me for my dead son. I told him if we got divorced he would have to pay me alimony and if we didn’t agree he would have to sell his truck. He didn’t believe me. He better stop and think it through. The truck is in his name, but we are married and he bought it while we are married. So it is both of ours. He married me disabled and unable to work, so there is alimony. He told me all I care about is money. Funny, when he makes more than twice what I get a month and I pay the mortgage which is more than half of the bills!

I can’t keep living this way. I am sick and in so much pain. I need someone to support me and put me first in their life. Isn’t that what you do when your married? When we were first together I even went over a list of what I had to have in a relationship because I was not wasting years of my life again. He pretended to be those things for almost two years. Long enough to marry me anyway. We have been together for 8 years and married 7 years. I don’t deserve this shit, damn it! He went to take off in his truck and I said fine you do that, then I grabbed the phone and he was all worried I was going to call the cops on him or that I had a boyfriend. When I almost never even leave the house and when I do someone is with me. My ex husband accused me of that when he was cheating on me. All signs point to this and his actions say he doesn’t give a shit about me.

I don’t know what to do now. I know I can’t keep this up. I deserve far batter than this. I gave him everything…. Why can’t if find a man that will give me everything and put me first? Be supportive of me and communicate with me. Actually take care of me!

I will get through this damn month and the tests. I will have my surgery next month and I will recover. August is still my deadline for choices and decisions to be made. I feel so horrible that all I want to do is die so I no longer suffer in pain or be left alone and treated like shit. If I didn’t care it would all be so much easier for me! It feels like death is my only option anymore………….