I feel like a slave

I am the only person in this entire house that does any cleaning. Being in constant pain makes it difficult to get much done in a day. Today I over pushed myself. My dryer had not been drying on a full cycle completely, so I knew I needed to clean the vent line out. Of course, I voiced how this needed to be done to everyone and no one cared. So I took my meds and tackled the job slowly, sitting as much as possible. The vent line was pretty bad and the entire back of the dryer was pretty caked with thick lint and dust. I did complete this chore. I now feel like I am dying as horrible death by torture!

My lower back, hips and TAILBONE are all crushing in on me!!! As if someone put a vice upon those areas and has been cranking it to no avail! UGH……. I took an additional pain pill and my Ativan and I am still being crushed to death!!!! I want to scream, cry and just plain smack the crap out of the other three adults here!

I am nothing but a slave here in my own home. I am the housekeeper in a home of slobs! I cannot take allowing the home to get nasty. I do what I can every day and usually end up hurting much more for it and with times like today, I will surely pay the entire weekend for what I chose to do. But if I had not done it, there could be a fire or the dryer would burn up and my pain just cannot do hanging out laundry on the line every day!!! I am certain, that I am the only person here with a brain! My adult son is by far the laziest being I have met. He is 21 and an insulin dependent diabetic who is also an alcoholic and sits around playing video games…… You say toss him out? I have before and I would right now if not for two reasons. I cannot drive in my medications so I need him to take me to the appointments and I have my 3 year old grandson who I cannot care for 24/7 due to my chronic pain and I need assistance. My sons girlfriend is the only friend I have down here and I often look forward to spending time with her. She wants to be a mother and a wife, but I keep telling her how you have to get up early and take care of your kid and husband and cook and clean and work every single day. Even if you are sick you HAVE to get up and do those things……. Not to mention how crappy my son speaks to her on a daily basis. I lived that for 16 years when I was married to his father. I had hoped, he would not be Iike his father and he wouldn’t want his girlfriend or wife to feel like his mother did all those years, but he is exactly like his father, right down to being an alcoholic!

If not for my grandson I would definitely be slamming the door on all the extra crap I have to do because of them. No more would I clean up and have more things piled on the kitchen counter or sink. I cannot continue this way. When I get a day that my pain is not so severe I do what I can to catch up on housework, but in general I am lucky to do the basics in any given weeks time. Then there is all the other things that have to be done to keep the house clean, free of bugs and items in working order. I just do not know what to do anymore. I am not capable of taking care of all the things that need to be done. I cannot afford food for myself, let alone to hire someone to help me. I should not have to do that when he is here for free!

So now, this entire weekend will most likely be horrible with me in bed and in pain I just cannot handle, all because I had to get that dryer line cleaned out so we didn’t have a fire or the dryer end up burning up or both! I have four cats and a dog and he has a dog. I only ask that every day he vacuum and take care of the garbage. Then also, to help with cleaning up the kitchen and the dishes. Because pushing the vacuum send my pain in overdrive and washing dishes has me bent forward which also send the pain way out of control. But he doesn’t do those things. He vacuums a few times a week and the hair builds up quick, so I sit on the furniture an dough the vacuum where I can. Or I do the vacuuming and end up wishing I would just die in my sleep.

Would you believe he just asked me to watch my grandson for thirty minutes until his bedtime so he could go to the bar. I don’t have a choice, after all, my grandson is my responsibility! I can’t eat because the pain is horrendous! This is what I have ate today: a bowl of steamed vegetables.

Ok, I vented….. Now I am going to sit on my four pillows with my grandson, then put him to bed and go to bed myself. Thank you all for listening, I really just don’t know what to do anymore. I do not want to lay in bed every day of my life. I push myself so hard every single day! And then there are the days like today, where I really never should of done what I did, and I knew it! Here comes the nausea…….

Fall approaches yet again…..

I absolutely love Fall. The weather is amazing. The draw back to fall is that is when I tend to either become bed ridden or in a wheel chair. Sure enough, today I am unable to walk or stand without horrible pain. So I am in bed and it is very boring here! No TV!

My cat is pressed against my side. She loves it when I become this way. because she gets tons of loving petting. I think she can sense my pain too. She will settle down and sleep then suddenly look at me and meow until I pet her more. It is soothing to pet her.

I called the doctors office today and left a message. Their recording even says they call you back the same day. They never called me back, so I left another message and now I am sitting here thinking that I am just not worth their time. Do I go to the ER or wait until tomorrow. The ER will most likely only give me a shot so I will still need to talk to my doctor. But I may need that shot in order to sleep. I guess I will wait and see.

I am so hungry. When I do get up to go to the bathroom I have to walk hunched over. I cant make myself something to eat like this and the pain – OMG! Which sends me into the wonderful world of depression. What joy!