Love & Mental Issues…

My man, Frankie, came to see me for a week at the beginning of this month.  It was amazing to have him here.  He is very laid back and calm, which is something I really need in my life.  He brought 2 guitars with him and played them in the evenings.  It was so nice to sit back and listen to him!  He also brought me a Walking Dead T-shirt.  I am Obsessed with The Walking Dead!  We are moving on with our plans for him to move down here. It will take him a couple of months to get his things in order up there, then he will move to be with me!  I can’t wait!  The fact he still wants to take full care of me, even after being with me in person and seeing the pain I deal with, just amazes me!  I have a lot of issues both physical and mental…

What I don’t understand is, why I have been flooded with the emotional crap again, now that I am with someone.  While I was completely alone I never felt any of it.  Now, being in a relationship, it is all flooding me again.  I don’t want the negative thoughts or feelings!  For some reason, they have all hit me like a truck!  The worry and fear of loosing him.   Feeling like I am suddenly not important.  There is NO Reason for me to think these things, why the hell am I?  It is all part of my mental issues.  Obviously, I need to deal with them and work on them, which is why they have come back up.  Luckily, I am the kind of person that says what is on my mind.  So, I ask him and I feel better when he answers me, but I also hate that I am having the thoughts to begin with.  Then, I fear; that he may decide; he doesn’t want to deal with all my issues after all.  What an endless cycle of crap!  He is awesome and inside I KNOW he will always be here for me, so I Must find a way to shut this stuff up…

Ahh, the joys of living with mental illness.  And then there is the chronic pain too.  Who signs up for that, willingly?  While he was here, when I would have the spells of intense pain, he would place his hands there and just hold me.  So amazing!  Now I miss that immensely.  Never in my life have I been with such a caring and loving man!  He is caring and loving to everyone and everything.  I know I deserve him, yet part of me has such fear…  I often feel like I am in a battle between two halves of me.  Like, one part would want to die while the other part wants to live.  One part knows I deserve this beautiful man in my life, the other part says I don’t.  Always a battle… Why can’t I just be happy that I finally have such an amazing man in my life?  … Mental Illness and a past of being crapped on repeatedly by everyone…that’s why!

Frankie must be my reward for living through all the hell and not ending my life!  Right? Funny thing is, both of us had completely given up on ever being with someone and completely given up on life in general.  We were both just surviving, one day at a time, waiting for the end!  I feel like I will die before he ever gets here.  Another thing that is most likely not true.  He has only been gone from visiting me for one week today now.  I wish there was a switch to just shut off that part of my mind, before it drives me mad…

I am attaching a recent pic of Frankie and one of me… Wish we would of taken one together!  FYI: I am 3 months older than him…lol! 

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Grief & Pain Goes On Forever…

Some background information:

My oldest child died in a car accident in 2003.  I have severe chronic pain.  I also have the following conditions:  Major Depression, Panic Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Hypertension, Glaucoma, Arthritis-Osteo, Pinched/Bulged Nerves, Nerve Damage, Bursitis, several issues in the entire spine (cervical-tail bone), I am Disabled and I have been Married & Divorced 3 times (last 2 cheated & left me)…

Next month will be 13 years since my son died at age 16, in a car accident.  I always begin to have issues in May and in October until January 2(Halloween, Thanksgiving, his Birthday, Christmas and New Years Eve).  This year has been very raw, pain like I felt right after he passed.  I have found myself balling my eyes out at random times.  I have no clue why it is so very raw this year…

I have also been feeling extremely alone.  My sister, that I have always been close too, never emails me first.  She responds to my emails, but that’s all.  I did not email her for months and I have no heard from her at all.  My other sister and brother Never contact me.  My mother will email me if she doesn’t hear from me for a few days.  That’s it!  I would always vent to my mom, but it has been stressing her out and I don’t want to cause her any stress, so I am not doing that anymore…  

I am filled with questions like, “Why wasn’t I ever good enough?”  For my ex-husbands.  “Why am I even here?”  Every single day, every minute, I am in pain both physical and emotional.  I am completely alone.  I have one friend and she lives far away, I don’t hear from her much at all, but I miss her horribly.  No one to talk too or share things with.  I chose to not even try to have a relationship over a year ago, because every single guy I met only seemed to care about looks and sex.  I want a meaningful relationship, not casual sex! I rarely ever get out of my house.  I no longer have a running vehicle and I live well below the poverty line.  Finding things to eat is not fun at all!  I gained weight from being laid up for months, now I have some help with the pain, but not enough for me to be able to walk more than 100 steps.  I want to move around enough to loose the 20 pounds I gained!  This is NO Life…

The only person that would be affected by my death is my son.  Though, he does not take the time to even talk with me or spend time with me.  He would loose his home if I were no longer here.  I pay the mortgage and have nothing left after…

I know I feel better when I eat only naturally occurring foods, but I can’t afford that.  I have to get what I can, to try to make it, an entire month on $100!  I have tried to plant vegetables and no matter what I do, something kills them off.  They do good for the first half of growing, then they die.  I have even tried to do a raised bed on the driveway, but they are dying off!  I don’t have money to buy anything to help with whatever is going wrong.  I barely have any full sun areas available now, the large shade tree has grown out so much it covers up pretty much everywhere.  We need that shade, it gets so hot and humid here from May through September.  Though, I wish I could cut it back where I need the sun, but it is too far up…  UGH…….  And, how am I going to pay the electric bill with the A/C running?  When I lived in Southern IL, I was able to get all kinds of help.  Here there is Nothing…

I have found myself just WISHING I would not care and not think anymore…  The physical pain is bad enough, but this emotional hell on top of it all is just too much!  I wonder if things like this are what cause some people to become alcoholics or drug addicts.  I have heard many say they just could not deal with things, so they turned to drugs and alcohol to not have to deal.  I HATE alcohol and I don’t like not being in control of my mind, so I guess those are out for me…  

Fear is what keeps me here.  Fear won’t let me take my own life, so I am stuck here no matter what!  I fear screwing it up and being even worse off than I already am.  I fear that there is NOTHING on the other side of death.  I fear PAIN, even though I am in a lot of pain every moment of my life…

So here I am, basically Stuck here, in constant physical pain and almost constant emotional pain, without being able to even get the proper food to eat.   Without a vehicle to go anywhere or do anything.  Far away from my entire family and one friend I have had since age ten… A L O N E…

I also know that keeping the mind occupied is very important for being able to deal with chronic pain.  Normally I would do a craft, draw or color, but with the emotional crap I  have been unable to find a single thing that I want to do or even try to do!  It is a viscous circle!  The only thing I have been able to do is watch TV.  It helps while I am enthralled with the show, but that is more laying around doing nothing.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I wish they would hurry up and make insurance cover online counseling.  I have no way to get to a therapist, so talking to one online would be the only way, but I don’t have money to pay for it.  My psychiatrist dropped me a year ago saying my insurance wasn’t paying.  It is the only place here that takes my insurance and it took me a year to get in there!   What am I supposed to do?  I am literally stuck in my home!  I have a ride twice a month for doctor appointments…

I have one grandchild, I raised him from birth (my daughter is a drug addict).  He is 6 years old and as of last June, he now lives with his father far away…

Every single day is the same… REPEAT…  I have always been a good person and chose the right things to do.  How the hell do I deserve this life now?  They say to spend a year just being with yourself and not Ina relationship.  I have more than done that.  Now what?  I don’t know if I can even trust another man anyway, let alone all they seem to want is sex and I am not doing that.  Casual sex does nothing for me.  But sex in a relationship with Love, is amazing… 

Comfort in Your Own Skin…

I am passing on what I have learned in my 46 years of life.  If I had a question about the opposite sex, I always asked many of them, to come up with what the general consensus had to say.  I learned many things…

1.  When you are completely comfortable in your own skin, no matter the size, men find you very attractive!  I have known several men who were married to very beautiful and fit woman, yet they cheated with woman who were the complete opposite.  Why?  Because the women the cheated with were comfortable in their own skin and put out a vibe that they are sexy just the way they are!  One of the main things being, they would take off their clothes and walk around without a care in the world and that is very sexy to a man!

2.  When you let go and completely love yourself just as you are right now, a light shines within you that others can see.  We HAVE to Love ourselves completely and be comfortable with who and what we are!  No more worrying what others may think of you, because all that matters is what you think of you!  Personally, I for years, worried what others thought and I had a wall up around me to keep everyone out.

3.  We can only truly trust ourself, so stop having expectations of other people.  When you stop the expectations, you find yourself with much less worry and frustration.  This is difficult to accomplish, but not impossible!  You have to remind yourself that you have absolutely NO control over anyone other than yourself, so what someone else does is out of your control, no matter what you do!  You have to come to a place where you rely on yourself and know that no matter what anyone else does, you will be just fine, because you love yourself and depend on yourself fully.  If someone cancels a date or doesn’t show up for an appointment,  it can be frustrating, but we have no control over what someone else does.  We do, however, have complete control over how we react to things!   You can prepare for a date, but do not put everything into that person showing up.  Have a plan of what you will do for you, if they do not show up.  You are a beautiful spiritual being and your own happiness is the most important thing in the world!

4.  Be your own best friend.  That’s right, you can be your own best friend, treat yourself as you would a best friend.  Personally, I talk to myself and comfort myself often!  Again, we have complete control over ourselves and no one else.  So be there for yourself, treat yourself very good.  Pamper yourself.  Love yourself unconditionally!

5.  Start right now!  Begin the most wonderful love affair with yourself.  Look in the mirror and smile at yourself.  Tell yourself how much you love YOU!  Repeat affirmations, which are positive phrases, that help boost your own self esteem.  Why?  Because we can not truly love another, until we truly love ourself!

Stop doing everything for everyone else and put yourself first.  You are, after all, the most important person in the world!  You are the ONLY one who can make yourself happy!  No other person can do this for you.  Eat what you love, do what you love and discover what truly makes you happy………….

  

It has Been very Difficult for Me…

I really should of been writing this whole time. I feel ever so alone. Struggling with emotions and fears. Finding myself crying out of the blue!

I have dated some men, but I always find a reason to not be with them. Seems like every single one is a liar anyway. They deceive you with their lies and reel you in, then in a matter of a week or two you can see their true selves coming out and it is nothing they pretended to be! I really do believe it is impossible to find a man that fits what I need anymore. What I have to have is: Honesty, Communication, Loyalty and Romance. If I can’t have that, then I would rather be alone!

No more shall I put up with crap just to not be alone, I finally found that place where I won’t settle for anything less. I am pretty sure it is from my last husband and how horrible he was. Constantly lied! My mind runs all the time and won’t let me sleep, while all day I feel like I am going to fall asleep. I know what I want, I just don’t know where I would find a man like that. I have tried online dating sites and I don’t go out to clubs or anything to meet men.

The online world is a joke! The men are all liars or they are looking just for sex or both. Casual sex has NEVER done a thing for me! I like having a connection with someone then having sex. I always had hoped I would be with one man until the day I died. I am fine with not having a man in my life, I just wish I could have sex….lol! For me that requires a man in my life. I do know I discovered I hate sleeping in the bed with someone else.

I have been doing my best to pray to GOD and turn it all over to GOD. I guess I don’t know how to let it all go! My temper is very short anymore. Things get on my nerves fast. I need peace and quiet or I feel horrible. That doesn’t work out so well when I have a grandson with serious emotional issues that I have to babysit often. I keep saying, “GOD will bring to me what I need and when it is the right time!” Now if I could just believe that all the time………….

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Current photo of me…

My LARGE Abdominal Surgery…

I had a very large abdominal surgery Monday, to fix the hole in my ureter and the hole in my vaginal cuff and remove the large hematoma. When I woke in recovery I was in excruciating pain, even though I had an epidural. My left lower abdomen felt like it was being ripped out of me. I told the nurse and she told me I had meds and I also had surgery so I was going to have pain. I was not supposed to feel anything for two days while the epidural was in me, but I did. She finally figured out that in order for the epidural to cover the spot I was having so much pain from, I had to be tilted to the left and that did help. The epidural helped dull the pain but I still had it. I could feel my legs and move them so it must not of been put in right. For two days I laid in the bed feeling like I was being tortured to death over and over. I had an NG Tube coming out of my nose that went down my throat into my stomach. I did not expect that. I had a drain in the lower right side of my abdomen that was pulling out all kinds of bloody fluid. I did not expect that. I guess I bled a lot and the doctor called me a gusher. I almost needed a blood transfusion. My incision goes from my pubic bone straight up to my belly button, around my belly button and back straight up near the area that my stomach organ is located. It is a very large incision. There are staples all up my belly. I have three types of hard pain I am dealing with. The incision pain feels like a fresh raw cut as well as the drain area. I have a hard stabbing pain going into my abdomen where the drain is located and I am swollen up big with hard cramping worse than child birth. I was not allowed anything by mouth for several days.

On Tuesday through Wednesday, I was allowed ice chips only. They helped the irritation of the NG tube. Let me tell you, NG tubes suck! I had that in until Wednesday morning. It was a relief to be free of the NG tube. The pain was off the charts even with the epidural and I could barely move. Any movement was too excruciating for me to handle. I slept off and on for most of this time and suffered tremendously during my awake times.

On Thursday, they gave me two liquid medication to help my bowels get moving. They said they had to move my novels around a lot. Which scares me of having scarring in the future and blockages. When I asked before the surgery if my bowels would be manipulated in any way, they said NO! I feel so lied to. They let me have clear liquids only on Thursday. In the afternoon I swelled up huge and had horrible gas pains that buckled me over. I kept feeling like I had to have a BM so I had to get to the toilet repeatedly, yet nothing happened. Until, about two hours into this nightmare of pain, that is when I exploded and green liquid filled the porcelain thrown. The gas, severe cramping and deathly ill feeling followed me through the rest of that day. Getting out of the bed was extremely painful. I had wanted to be home by today because my birthday was Friday. They told me I most likely would not be going home until Sunday. How depressing and crappy to add to the most painful experience of my life.

On Friday, my doctor came in and asked if I had a BM, I filled them all in on the nasty details of the pain and explosion. They said how great it was and decided that I could eat actual food on my birthday. I got the nasty cold eggs and unseasoned potato bits. Disgusting jello and a sherbet Popsicle. Oh yeah, I had a cup of coffee for the first time in months, but the milk they gave me was spoiled and as I poured it into the cup of Java it curdled. I checked the exoneration date and it was good until the next day. My mom took the soured milk and my coffee to report it to the nurse. Several people had gotten spoiled milk that morning, my mom did find me another cup of coffee so that was nice, happy birthday to me. I was still in so much pain I couldn’t stand it. I had to get up out of the bed and stand several times, each time the pain ripped down to my bones. When my actual surgeon decided to show his face, he told me if I wanted to go home on my birthday (today) I had to walk two hallways, so I did it, so much pain, but I wanted out of that hell hole, he told me he had to do a bunch of orders, so it would be a few hours before I was released.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to sleep at home. It was hard enough with the hospital bed that raised me up and laid me down. They realized how bad they had done me with my original surgery and my doctor was being extra careful that I did not have any problems. Which is why I wasn’t allowed to eat for four days! I did finally get to go home around 5 pm though. Just the ride home made me cry in pain. Trying to get from the car to my bed was horrible and trying to lay down in bed was the worst of all. I had to keep the very painful drain I me since it was still pulling out fluids. I vow to never have an open abdominal surgery again! I would kill myself before that ever happened again.

They washed out my abdomen with a lot of fluid, so my legs keep swelling and my belly looks pregnant. I’m scared of when I have my first BM at home too. I called and complained of the pain in my drain area and they told me there was no way that was causing me pain. Basically saying it is all in my head. I feel very very sick right now so I need to go……………..

Working through the fears….

I am doing all I can to work through the fears of this up and coming open abdominal surgery. It is the pain that worries me. I am glad I will have an epidural for the first two days. I have read a lot of stories from people who had open abdominal surgery and they all say the first two days are the worst. I am hoping when they remove the epidural they are smart enough to figure out what I need to take to cover the pain. I see my pain doctor today and I am asking him what he suggests!

My belly has been swollen and I have a lot of pressure there. I don’t feel good at all. A part of me wishes they would just take it all out now and fix the problems. Another week of wearing depends and waking every hour to being soaked. I have not slept a full night since the radical hysterectomy onJune 30th. I did sleep a lot with naps the first week I was home though. I can also now feel the five incision areas they went through. They are very tender and bruised feeling and they did not bother me before, so it must be all the pressure from the leak in my ureter that is flowing into my abdomen then out the hole in my vaginal cuff. I am on a sulfur antibiotic now, which I have to take Pepcid because it messes my tummy up and a steroid to reduce the inflammation before surgery. I am still waiting for the Pre-op nurse to call and tell me when to come in this week. She is always behind and calls at the last minute. I very much dislike that!

Each night I sleep 1-2 hours, then have to get up and change, then go back to bed for 2-3 hours, then I am up for a while and change. I usually try to lay back done after I am up a few hours and sometimes I will sleep another hour, but usually I just lay there and then I tend to flood the depends out in that time as well. It flows out of me a lot when I stand up and when I am laying down. I will be glad when I don’t have to wear them anymore. It will be a month of having to wear them by the time I have the surgery. My surgery is scheduled on the day that would of been my 6 week post op appointment to be released if I had not had complications!

I just want to get through this and heal and be done with it all. I pray this is going to fix everything and when I am healed I will have no more of the pain I had before the surgery or the extra pain caused by the surgery! Please pray for me………….

Another Major Surgery…

I saw my doctor again today. Over night I had a reduction in the fluid coming out of me and my belly swelled. He checked and I still had drainage and an opening so he said not to worry about it. The swelling and aching is most likely from some constipation and the fact I had to walk a lot yesterday and today at doctors office and the hospital.

I am scheduled for major surgery on August 11th. I have pre-op next week and another day I go see the anesthesiologist. I have four appointments next week. He is going in with a large incision going up my belly much like a C-section incision. He needs a lot of room to work. I have always feared having to have that done, but he is putting me one epidural for the first two days and promises I will not be left in pain and I will have anxiety meds. He is going to clean out the large hematoma, repair the hole in my ureter and stitch I a stent for while I heal for 2-3 months. He is repairing the hole in my vaginal cuff too. I cannot eat for two days after surgery so everything will be through the IV and I will have a catheter in me for 1-2 weeks. I will be in the hospital 3-4 days then get to come home and be on complete bed rest for two weeks.

The doctor is pissed at all the BS I have gone through and he reassures me that he personally is making sure I am well cared for and not in pain and treated extremely well. This will be my last surgery and it will fix everything. I just need to get through the recovery.

I had made sure my hysterectomy was done by the end of June so I would be healed by my birthday which is August 15th. But now I will be recovering until October. Oh well I guess. I would greatly appreciate all prayers that you can send my way. Thankfully, my mother is coming yo again to be with me for the first week. I have a week to get ready but I am on strict rest so I don’t even know how I am supposed to get a bag packed. I guess instruct others what to do. I asked the to all band together and get the house thoroughly cleaned for me too. I just need everything to go ok and for me to make it through the pain and healing so I can finally be on my way to recovery………….