My Trip to visit Family after 9 Years…

I left my house on May 21st and I do not return home until June 30th.  I have been here for 4 weeks now.  It has been nice seeing my family after so long.  I have seen a few friends from high school as well and I am amazed at how we pick up right where we left off as if it has not been almost 30 years.  

Unfortunately, one of the guys I knew in high school is not currently the man I thought he was.  Live and learn and move on.  I refuse to allow anyone in my life that does not fit well.  No more will I have someone who has to drink in my life or someone who does drugs.  If they can’t make me a priority, then so long.  I really do prefer the life of friends instead of relationships.  Relationships always end up being a disappointment to me, due to expectations.  I like being care free and free for the most part.  Carefree in my relationships.  Unfortunately, I am unable to be carefree when it comes to my family.  That is about to change!

My daughter has repeatedly gone back to drugs and I had to kick her out again.  This was and is the final time she will ever be allowed back.  She constantly chose drugs over her own child and disrespected me in every way, even though she lived in my home.  I now have to struggle to find a way to pay the two bills that were her responsibility instead of paying me rent, but I will figure it out!  I can finally get my house back in order and live a much more peaceful life when I return home.  The daily screaming and cussing that came out of her mouth as soon as she woke will be no more.  

I have 11 more days here.  I have found myself becoming bored and I definitely made this trip way too long, but it also gives me time to think and review where I am now.  I still have times where I get so depressed that suicide crosses my mind.  The absolute peace and no more worry of it all.  But I have the little bit of doubt inside as to what happens to us when we die.  That keeps me here.  I have been rough so much it is a good thing I don’t care for alcohol, because I am sure if I liked it, I would be a drunk by now.  The weather here is so nice.  Today is beautiful, in the 70’s and a gorgeous breeze.  Back home it’s is near 100 and ever so humid!  

No matter what, we must keep that ounce of hope alive within us that things will one day be much better.  Carry ourselves through the rough patches and hard times.  Arrive at a place of beauty and peace.  I often wish I could go back and make different choices so I did not have to endure so much heart ache, but those things did make me who I am today and I am a very good person.  For that, I am proud…………. 



So Tired of the Stress…

I had to kick my daughter out again, for the absolute final time.  She has been on drugs and refuses to follow any rules.  She is snorting some sort of pills and is a psychotic mess.  I have called her probation officer and asked them to please drug test her.  She is on probation for beati me in my head while I was driving.  There is supposed to be NO violence, but she has had plenty of violence and nothing is being done about it.  Thankfully she left her son at my house.  That poor kid has been through so damn much.

Now I am stressed out trying to find a way to cover the two bills she was paying instead of paying me rent.  I want to end my constant misery, yet I have begged everyone and anyone for help, to no avail.  When will I just finally give up and stop living in his hell?

I just need the two bills covered for this month.  All the things I have done for people all my life, but no one is there when I need help.  To step so low as I have to beg for help and still be ignored.  Everyone says I am so beautiful and my smile lights up the room.  Yet, I am so depressed and full of fear inside.  A part of me hopes there is something more for me in this life.  I have been through so damn much and I am getting too damn old to be starting over again………….

I broke down and set up an account with Go Fund Me in hopes some people will donate so I can pay the bills.  I shared it on my Facebook and I also included the link below.  It feels so low inside of me.  To get to the point that I have to beg for help form someone.  I thought my family would help me, but they all say they have no money to give.  My parents are struggling to live on retirement now.  That’s what they tell me anyway.  Makes me wonder how they would feel if I blew my brains out.  Would they think, gee, I wish I would of helped her when I had the chance…

Go Fund Me Website is…