Yet again, I have been awaken by a severe pounding and crushing headache! It feels as though a vice is clamped upon my entire head and tightening and crushing inward. I know much of these severe headaches are coming from my neck. I have degenerative disc disease throughout my entire spine. My severe pain in my neck started after I was beaten from behind by over a dozen gang members that were going after my neighbor. I will post on that one day, that was in November of 2010!
I feel as though I will die of the pain before I can get it under control when it happens. That is how horrible it is! What do I do? I get up and wobble into the bathroom. I take ibuprofen and my morning pain medication and I sit there and do neck stretches slowly while breathing. Much like the simple yoga for neck pain poses. Usually I can gain control of the horrible headache after doing this for a little while. The stretching also interrupts the constant pain. On occasion though, I am left to fight it for hours. Thankfully, today I gained control over it in less than a half hours time.
When I awaken to this pain, my panic and anxiety run high. Who wouldn’t feel that if the woke to such terrible pain throughout their head and neck? Breathing is a huge part of regaining control. As with all my anxiety and panic attacks, I have found deep rhythmic breathing to aid tremendously in easing it down. Breath in slowly and deeply to the slow count of four, hold it for a count of two, then exhale slowly to the count of four or more. I spent years meditating and programming the word “Relax” in my mind while I was in a deep and relaxed state. Now I rhythmically breathe and see that word in my mind and I can calm down much quicker, usually!
I know back when the severe panic attacks took me over, in 1995, I wanted to die rather than live that way. It seemed it would never end. Eight months of pure hell! Only to return like clockwork every two years! Ugh! I fought taking medication for so long, only to discover the medication along with meditation was my only escape. It seems my entire life I have traded one thing for another. Once I was able to get ahold of the panic, I lost my son, I then had my husband at the time cheat on me and on drugs and then left, lost my dream home in the country away from people (people increase my panic) and then hit with severe and disabling chronic pain! WTF?
I can tell you one thing, never ignore your gut feeling! Mine has always told me what was going on, but I would refuse to believe it only to find out in the end that it was telling me the truth. When I would ignore it on major issues, it would push back against me and MAKE me open my eyes to the things going on around me! It was always like I knew what was happening but didn’t want to believe it so I tried to ignore it. Who wants to believe their husband of 16 years is off banging a gal from work and snorting cocaine! SMH! I listen now! It has never been wrong.
My adult son will ask me a question, then argue my answer. He drives me nuts sometimes. He is 21 and lives with me. He is insulin dependent diabetic, on an insulin pump and extremely lazy! He plays video games most of the time, but does help out with my grandson that we are raising since his mother left. Yes, my daughter is a whole other can of worms. He drinks way too much and doesn’t take care of himself any where near what he should. I often feel he is just trying to die as soon as possible. His father was also an alcoholic. If I could go back in time I would never be with a man that drank, that’s for sure! Young and stupid is all I can say.
I often wish I could just go back to being a kid and not having to worry about things or take care of them. We want to grow up so bad as kids. Then spend our adult life wishing we could be a kid again. I would in a heartbeat. As long as I could go back knowing what I know now so I could change the life I laid for myself.
CHRONIC 