So Far…

I have been tracking my pain levels and my medications. I am prescribed three muscle relaxers and Ativan a day, but normally only take one. With my pain levels being so high I had decided to try to take them three times a day and see if I could obtain more relief.

I took my normal morning medications with my usual first dose of pain medications. My pain level was a 9 and after an hour it was still a 9! So I took one muscle relaxer and an Ativan and waited another hour. My pain level was then an 8! Still too much. I took my 2nd dose of pain medications and waited an hour to see what my pain level was then, I was at a 7! I made it about two hours at a level 7 for pain, which then shot up to a 9 again, so then I took another round of muscle relaxer and Ativan. After an hour my pain level was at a 8. So this time I waited to take my 3rd dose of pain medications with a muscle relaxer and the Ativan, my pain level was back to a full 9 and after taking that and waiting an hour to record my pain level I was able to get it down to a 6/7. I still felt all the pain, but my mind just didn’t care as much. Then I discovered that I was having problems with my vision and unable to really focus of see straight and nausea hit, this lasted for a couple of hours.

In order to obtain any relief from the intense pain I need to take everything together, but then I am left with a loopy feeling, vision issues and nausea. So I either cry in pain in bed or I take the meds I am prescribe and feel loopy and sick. WTF! I really do not know what else to do here!

I have so much stress and anxiety on top of the pain. No support system and being with someone who only cares about himself and his wants without ever considering mine. Married three times and not once could I get it right. How awesome it must be to be with someone that loved and cared for you so much that they were willing to do anything possible to try to help you. Instead of only caring about the toys they want and wasting money on things not even needed while you suffer every minute of every day.

I am going to find a way to make it through this next month. To all my appointments and tests and then to schedule surgery in June, then I will recover and on my birthday in August I will take a look at everything in my life and make the changes I need in order to survive in a happier place. I must put myself first and stop doing for everyone else. What comes around goes around………….

“My smile tries to hide the pain, but you can see it in my eyes and how very exhausted I am!”

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Tracking…

I have decided to track my pain levels, medication taken and the times through out the day today. My pain levels are through the roof, so I doubt I will be able to be out of bed much.

I am prescribed a muscle relaxer and Ativan three times a day that I usually just take one per day, but I will be taking them both three times today to see if it helps with my pain levels at all. These meds tend to make me feel loopy and tired, but sleep is a break from the pain so I will take it right now. I don’t like feeling high or loopy so I tend to only take what I have to. Right now I need way more than what I am taking.

It hurts just to be alive! I figured I need to try everything I have available to me and hopefully I will find some magical combination that works at least a little bit. I am constantly feeling like my bones are being broken and crushed in my lower left side of my back, hip, butt, tailbone, abdomen and leg on down to my toes. My morning dose of meds doesn’t seem to touch this pain at all.

I have told myself that I just need to go with the flow today. Allow myself to sleep when ever possible and to be in the position of the least amount of pain. There is no position that is pain free. I am grateful to have the sleeping medications that I have, because they help me sleep at night. I could just imagine where my mind would be right now if I was unable to sleep at all. They knock me right out, thank GOD!

It is so difficult to find things to be grateful for or positive about when you are in so much pain. My mental state is erratic and extremely irritable. I have to keep reminding myself that others don’t really understand what I am going through, because the do not feel this pain. I just tell them all that I am in a lot of pain and I am very irritable and I am sorry if I sound nasty. The I try to stay away from everyone as much as possible.

I have also decided to schedule on my birthday this year, to look back over my life, relationships and where I am at with my pain. My birthday is in August and that will get me through all the appointments the next month and the surgery and recovery. I must make a change in my life. I will not continue to live in so much negativity and continue to be in a relationship that feels like I am just room mates. So I have made some decisions on when I need to evaluate and I am tracking my pain and medications to see what works and what doesn’t. I am using the rice packs I made years ago, to keep my painful areas heated and be very still as much as possible. Any movement amplifies my pain levels.

I will post what I did today and what my results are in a post tomorrow. Something has got to give. I wish I had a hot tub or a deep bath tub so I could soak all the way in hot epsom salt water, but I don’t have that option. I think it is very cruel that “B” ran out and bought himself something he wanted but did not need, instead of trying to get something to help me with my pain. I would of put him first, but that is how I am. I cannot make him treat me the way I want or wish, because I have absolutely no control over another person! If only he could feel this pain for one hour. Surely, he would be screaming and thinking he was dying………….

“NO Makeup and a fake smile to cover the pain I am in”

It Feels Like The End of the Road…

Today I woke to the pain spreading again. It is now engulfing my right side along with the left. Today is three weeks straight of way too much pain that I cannot seem to catch a break from. I am irritable and bitchy! I don’t even like being around me. I feel nauseated often from the pain. It hurts to be alive.

I have to call on Monday and see if I can get additional medication.
I also need to see which counselor is in network for me and call on Monday and start seeing a counselor again. I should of been seeing one this entire time, but it is such a problem getting people to take me to appointments. This is the end of the road for me. I must find a way to ease this pain. I feel like the only way to end the suffering is to end this life. So, I will give it a shot and try to get additional medication and counseling first.

I do not like to drive due to the medications I am on and the panic disorder I have, but I will have to suck it up if I want to get any help. It always goes back to me and only me. I need to accept this fact!

If giving up was easy I would do it, but it actually isn’t easy. There is no easy way out of this crap. I guess it is a good thing they don’t sell suicide pills, because I do believe I would be in line to buy that right now. Nope, there is no easy way out of this life, so you either choose to do everything possible to find help or you wallow in your suffering until your body finally gives out.

Lately, I am able to occupy my mind a little bit through out the day by playing small time frames of The Sims Free-play on my IPad. Anything I can find I will take. The first couple of hours in the morning are horrendous for me pain wise and again at night. There is not a minute of the day that I am not overwhelmed in pain. Usually I would do some type of cleaning to occupy my mind away from it all, but the pain is not allowing me to use that option. I apply the TENS unit to cover as much of the area as possible and I turn it on through out the day. It only runs for 15 minute intervals. It is another aid to distraction. The only down fall is I really need four of those devices to capture the areas of intense pain.

It seems like everyone in this house just cannot stand it if I voice how I feel. I am sorry that I suffer in a great deal of pain and they have no clue because they do not have to feel it. If they could each spend an hour in my pain….. Surely, they would treat me with more respect.

So my plan today is this… Apply the TENS unit to as big of an area as I can get covered. Then find something I can do while laying back in the most comfortable position. It’s nice outside, I wish I had a bed outside! This is all I can do right now. Just keep trying to hold on and pray some sort of relief will be found soon………….

Tired of Suffering in so much Pain…

I feel like my bones are being crushed and broken. It is so hard to function with so much pain. I just need something to help ease it more. A hot tub would probably do wonders for me, but I can’t get one and I am not important enough in my significant others life to care about me before anything else.

I really just feel like I cannot keep doing this. Pushing through day after day in this pain. I have held on for over three years. It has become way more than I can handle over the last three weeks. All of my positive work is not budging this depression. I still do it every single day. I want to sleep for a long time and not wake up until I no longer have to suffer so much.

I have no outlet, no friend to hang out with and get things off my chest. Nothing………….

Pondering Things…

I have an email in my box today that says no sender, no message and no content, but the date it shows as the date it was sent is 12/31/69? I was born in August of 1969. It’s so weird and crazy…

I have lived my entire life with mental illness and bouts with major depression. It never ceases to catch me off guard how down I can find myself. Have you ever just sat quietly and tried to explore what it is you are actually feeling? I am sitting out back and it’s quiet other than the water sound from a small pond on my porch. I asked myself, “What exactly are you feeling?” It is hard to really know what it is that i am feeling. I have to really relax myself and search inside. I feel sadness, physical pain, alone, stress and exhaustion! I can hear birds chirping and vehicles going by along with the sound of water flowing in the pond. I also hear an occasional airplane and dogs bark in the distance. A gentle breeze is caressing my skin. I look around and I see the beauty in nature. The rich greens of spring time. Seeing, hearing and feeling nature are very pleasant.

I want to escape the physical pain that I am in every minute of every day. I want to disappear in nature and feel only the soft breeze on my skin. I want to no longer feel as though I am being swallowed in a dark cloud of depression. I take any moment I can find to slip into nature and separate myself from the world of pain and suffering I live in. Even when it is only seconds that I can find.

I began to think of times when I felt very happy. Then I realized why those times were also so short lived. Because I felt happy due to something I bought myself or was able to play with. At first it is new and exciting and you feel happy, but money can NOT buy happiness. Happiness is a feeling that we can create with or without money. That is why when we feel happy for a short time after we are able to buy something we want, it is so short lived.

“B” is very happy today, because he is going out to buy a truck that he wants. This is what got me to thinking about happiness and how it is quickly gone when we try to find it through money. There are so many things we need here and the money for that vehicle isn’t going to help anyone being wasted on something that is not even needed. It will just make him feel good for a few days! The car I bought years ago for my son after he passed away, “B” got rid of it. Oh, now I see where my deep darkness is stemming from. Now he is going to have what he wants and the car that represented my dead son is gone! Well, it took a while, but now I really know what is eating at me so deeply! Honestly, there are several things that have brought me to this point, but now I am finally seeing what is eating at me so deeply!

I have to really work on and try to find happiness for myself………….

How to be Happy…

I often ask myself, “How can I be Happy?” Or “What can I do to feel happy?” I have searched the internet on numerous occasions for the answers to this question. I have read dozens upon dozens of articles. Most of which are so broad that I have trouble relating them to myself.

At the following website I found the best list for how to be Happy:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201103/10-ways-feel-better-about-yourself

1. Keep going. Don’t let life’s changes throw you off track, but remember that most extenuating circumstances are temporary. Gain more clarity by staying the course and channeling your energy in a positive direction.

2. Trust yourself. Believe in your inner resources, no matter what, and you’ll grow from the experience. I believe that the answers usually lie within and you are probably smart enough to figure out what you need to do. Give yourself a little time and have patience.

3. Be friends with life. Remember that the world is not out to get you and it does not punish you. You do that to yourself. Learning to focus on other opportunities or in another direction can give you some perspective.

4. Watch your thoughts. Your thinking will never be 100 percent positive. You must learn to dismiss the negative thoughts and stay open to other ideas that will help you move in a positive direction. Start recognizing negative thoughts and use your mind to quell them.

5. Summon the strength you have inside. Learn to access and direct your strengths to the highest good for all concerned. Believe that your strength and intelligence can help you deal with anything. Remember that you have survived worse.

6. Learn to love yourself. You do not have to be who you are today, and your life is not scripted. Changing how you feel about yourself means creating a strategy, gathering some new tools, and making yourself into the person you want to be. A good way to start is to stop doing things that hurt.

7. Don’t want too much. Desire can be a powerful motivating tool, but wanting something too much can be very painful and very expensive, so don’t live beyond your means or covet the unattainable. Seek your desire, but keep your integrity.

8. Don’t get insulted. It is wise to be dispassionate about critical comments. Human’s will always bump heads, but consider the source, and if it’s the other person’s issue, ignore it. Learn to respond instead of react, and don’t show your ire.

9. Recognize that disappointment is part of life. Even the most successful people have to deal with disappointment, but they’ve learned how to use it to get to the next level of life. The trick is to process your feelings, then take some kind of action.

10. Deal with your fears. Overcoming fear makes you stronger, and being a little scared can make you better. You want to have butterflies; you just want them flying in formation. It helps to understand and admit your fears. Then you can kick them to the curb.

Feel good about yourself, no matter what life brings. Know that each time you wake up, you have another chance to make things better. Don’t waste it.

Dealing with mental illness alone makes it very difficult to feel happy or even good on most occasions. I often have to search for things to remind myself what I do have in my life, instead of dwelling on all the bad things. I hope this list can help someone else in there own fight to discover happiness………….

GYN Oncologist…

I saw the GYN Oncologist today. He drew blood to test for the CA 125 – tumor markers and scheduled me for another ultrasound on May 15th. He also did a PAP smear and pelvic exam. I go back to him on may 22nd. If the blood work is negative and the growths are not bigger then we will schedule surgery with a robotic arm to remove the left ovary. If the blood test is positive or the growths have grown, or both, we will schedule surgery for a full hysterectomy.

The tooth on the bottom of my mouth that has been throbbing is causing me a bad headache and still hurts when I eat anything cold, hot or something I have to chew. I get the broken tooth on the top left fixed on Tuesday and I think I may have an infection on the lower right tooth so I will be asking if I need antibiotics. No clue when I will be able to get the bad tooth pulled.

I still have way too much pain in my low back, left hip, left abdomen area and the new pain in my vaginal area that feels like a hot poker. Joy! While at the doctors office I did have a low grade fever. That is what makes me think I probably have an infection in the tooth. I just hope it all stays fairly calm until I see the dentist on Tuesday. I feel like I am under the weather or getting sick. Just plain crappy feeling through my body.

Nothing like waiting yet another month. I am praying I don’t have even more pain or the pain spread to somewhere else in the mean time. I have considered calling my pain doctor for an increase in meds, but he gets so pissy about it that I just don’t want to deal with it. I see him again on the 8th of May so I am trying to just make it until then. I guess I should go ahead and climb in bed and try to get some rest. I got a Fitbit Flex wrist band and it tracks your movement and sleep. I have found that around the same time twice a night I have several minutes of wrestling around and waking up. It is pretty interesting to see how much I move and be able to track the foods I eat all in one place. Other than that I have been pretty obsessed with playing the Sims Free Play on my IPad………….