Christmas Eve Ramblings…

Due to lack of funds, I was only able to buy and send my grandson a gift this year.  I did not put up the tree or decorate this year, why bother.  It is best to try and pretend it is just another regular day.  My son and his girlfriend said they could not afford to buy gifts at all this year.  Funny thing is, they bought gifts for the neighbors!  If anything they should of bought for the nephew, but this is just one of many things that proves to me how little I matter.  I pay the mortgage and scrape by, so they have a roof over their heads.  They still have NOT even tried to fix their car or put up any money for it.  No vehicle causes me a lot of stress!  They expect me to pay to fix the car when I sell my broke down van!  All I ask for is some damn effort on their part, but NO!  They still do NOTHING to help me out around the house…

Why am I still here, you ask… Well, I can’t find anywhere to take my animals in.  I have to have them homed before I can leave here to live with my parents.  I have tried everywhere. Even the shelter is not taking in anymore animals and I really did not want to do that to them anyway!  Maybe I am stuck here for now for a reason, who knows.  Just trying to deal with any of it, stresses me to the point of panic attacks.  I sure never thought I would be in this position back when I save each one of the animals…

I have been sick with the flu since last Saturday.  It came on suddenly, in my throat to chest area, cough, high fevers for three days and now I still cough like mad and am unable to eat much at all.  I can eat soup and toast, everything else kills my stomach.  I will have to break down and see the doctor next week if I don’t improve.   If I find a way to get there!  I haven’t been able to do the few basic chores in days.  I am going to try to vacuum from my rolling chair today.  Oh yeah, the kids wanted me to cook the turkey for Christmas, I haven’t even taken it out to thaw and I have NO plans on cooking!  Why would I?  I can’t eat and they are ungrateful shits…

My son, the alcoholic, was given a huge bottle of Rum last night from the neighbors.  Liquor always makes him violent.  Sure enough, he comes home last night, followed by his girlfriend and they get into a fight.  I hear her screaming in the bedroom and I had to stop him from hurting her.  The dogs freak out when they yell and they both shoved into my bedroom with me.  Have I mentioned how I am allergic to pet dander, which is why it so important to vacuum daily for me.  I don’t get it, no one is happy here!  His girlfriend lays around all day pissy when she is here.  Every chance she gets to go visit with the neighbors she goes.  My son goes to the other neighbors house and plays poker every night.  They are alcoholics there too, so I know it has a lot to do with free beer!  I don’t drink, I just never have had the stomach for it…

My daughter has been in jail since August.  She was now sentenced to six month in prison followed by four years probation.  She is waiting to be transferred.  The good thing is she is sober and I know she is safe, but she thinks she can just come here when she gets out.  She can’t!  She chose to burn this bridge until there was no bridge left.  My son says if she comes here, he is gonna leave.  Maybe I should let her and then I can just move to my parents then.  Ugh!  I wish someone would come here and find homes for my animals and then help me sell my stuff so I could just leave.  The one thing I will miss is the freedom and space I have here though.  But, I sure have become a hermit here…

The weather is awesome today and tomorrow.  70’s, so I can sit outside finally and air this house out.  I find myself feeling lonely, more so at this time of year, but I just can’t deal with another relationship.  All I can do is take everything one moment at a time.  Just continue to survive, until maybe one day something awesome will arrive.  I know all to well how things change in a blink of an eye.  I sure miss having little ones and a family for the holidays………….

Advertisements

The Dreary Winter Months…

Every year, since my son passed away, I fight the darkness of depression from Halloween into the New Year.  For the last 2 years, we have no been able to have a Christmas here, no money for that.  I try hard to just pretend it is just another day.  I do not decorate for it…

I know that moving to my parents is the best for me, but in order to do that, I have to find homes for my animals.  My dog is very old and one of the cats as well, so it would be best to put them down, but that costs money.  Every time I think about it I get very stressed out and I have to push it all away and not think about it or I end up with a Panic Attack!  I also need too have a Yard Sale, but I need help and I don’t have help.  So, here I am just trying to get through each day as it comes. Never knowing when I will be able to deal with it enough to take care of it all…

For 3 days now, it has been cold, cloudy and raining.  The lack of sunlight increases the depression.  It also increases my pain!  Getting through each day has been very difficult!  I am unable to do anything unless I am in a chair with pillows to sit on.  As I tried to clean up the kitchen, I fell out of the chair.  Just wonderful…

I have not felt another’s touch in over a year now.  I get lonely, but I can’t stand the thought of dealing with someone else.  I have become much more isolated and antisocial.  I often wonder why I have had three marriages end.  I fought to save the last two, but they were immature and cheaters.  I always said I would marry three times maximum and if the third one didn’t work out, I would be completely done and I am.  I don’t even have a life anymore.  Every day is the same.  This is NO Life at all.  Struggling just to survive, unable to afford to eat right, no one to help me and every moment is filled with chronic pain and depression, wondering when I will finally get to be done with this life…

I am having a Nerve Block on the 21st this month, praying it helps me some.  The problem is I have pain in so many areas, but it would be nice to not have one of the areas crushing me every day!   I truly feel like I am just wasting away.  Every single year, it gets worse!  My vehicle died over a year ago and my son’s girlfriends vehicle hasn’t run in five months now, yet they have not done a damn thing about it and getting to appoiappointments has  become very difficult.  So, I have been watching a lot of TV to occupy my mind away from everything!  Not being able to move much, has caused me to gain weight as well!  Like I said, no life at all………….