Each morning when I wake, I carefully grab my meds, a drink and my iPad and go slowly to my bathroom. Where I try to deal with the intense pain and wait for my medication to help take a bit of the intense edge off. I general, I spend a good two hours here, before I can emerge from my den. Some days I am there for a few hours and then I have to go back to bed, because the pain just will not ease up. I often think, what a life I have! The constant struggle to get through one day, one hour or even one minute. I do my best to listen to my body and do what it tells me to do. If it is screaming at me to go back to bed, I go back to bed. If I fight this, I end up in more pain and have a much more difficult time making it through the day.
Life…. On average I have around seven days a month that are tolerable and I can get a few small things done. All I ever asked for was to have a 50/50 balance. Two weeks that are tolerable! Yet I spend months fighting with the doctors to do more, only to be left with what I have for months on end. Everyone deserves to have the best possible life they can. For some, that means they need all the help they can get and they need medications to take some of the pain away. After years of this battle, it is easy to become discouraged. Then finally, the doctor will do something more. You find more relief and a much better balance, only for it to slowly slip away from you again after a few months go by. This roller coaster of life is rough. It was hard enough before the chronic pain. The one thing I always feared was being in pain. I did not fear death, just the amount of pain I may be in before the actual death took place. Yet, here I am in the roller coaster of a life full of pain! Like my greatest fear came to life. I am still here and I am still pushing onward each and every day. I may only be able to look at the next few minutes or hour, but it am still doing it! Sometimes, we ask ourselves why we bother to keep fighting onward when we are in so much torturous pain. The answer, I think, is simple. We might miss a cure if we did not fight on. We might miss the best day of our lives, if we did not fight on. There is always an ounce of hope in there. If we ever loose the hope completely, that would be the end of our fight. That is when one decides they can no longer fight and give up, maybe even putting an end to the life they faught for years to hold on to. I can see how this can happen. Being in pain is no fun. But I still have the hope, that tomorrow I will wake up and feel great or tomorrow will be the best day I have ever had. Life changes in a blink of an eye, so we have to hold on to that drop of Hope and we Must push onward in this life. Together, we can do it. Everyone needs a support system and for me, this is the only place I have ever found any support what so ever. So I thank you all so very much. Thank you for taking time to read my posts and thank you for commenting. It truly is the one thing that keeps my hope alive.