THE FOUR AGREEMENTS…

The Four Agreements — finding one’s own integrity, self-love, and peace within this reality.

Be impeccable with your word: is to use your Word in the direction of love and truth. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don’t Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Don’t make assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always do your best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

(Don Miguel Ángel Ruiz (born 1952), better known as Don Miguel Ruiz, is a Mexican author of Toltec spiritualist and neoshamanistic texts. His current most famous and influential work, The Four Agreements, was published in 1997 and has sold around 4 million copies. It was featured on the Oprah television show, and advocates personal freedom from agreements and beliefs that we have made with ourselves and others that are creating limitation and unhappiness in our lives. ~ source is Wikipedia.com)

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Day 20, Giving Things Over to a Higher Power…

“To be happy, each of us must create meaning
and joy from the raw material of everyday life.”

~ How to Defend Against Emotional Muggers, Martha Beck

I was not raised with any form of religion. I had never been brought to church as a child. The only time I ever was in a church, was when I was young, for a wedding. In my teen years I was always connected to the earth and doing the right thing for nature. I have always felt a spiritual connection with a higher power. For the last 30 years I read about many religions and beliefs and I always felt that my connection with nature was right and It is for me.

I often wondered how to pray. I have read many blogs and scripture on this matter and I attempted to pray on several occasions. Then, yesterday as I was being swept over in all the emotional turmoil that I seem to always go through, I began to cry and I put my hands together and begged GOD to take away my mental problems and all the negativity and to fill my heart with only Love. I did not even think before I did this, it came purely from my heart. I wobbled and had trouble standing. Within seconds I felt like a great weight was lifted from me. I looked for my negative thoughts and couldn’t find them. I had never experienced anything like this in my entire life. I now understand all the things I read about when the time is right, you will experience the Love of GOD. In this moment, I finally let everything go to GOD without question. That was something I had never been able to fully do before.

I am very grateful to finally have experienced this and I feel a great desire to continue praying each and every day. It is so difficult to completely give up any form of control I have over things. I always held on somewhat and just couldn’t release it completely before. Every time I read others stories about when they finally felt connected to GOD, I always wondered how and if it would ever happen to me.

I worked very hard for my first two weeks here on my retreat and then I had a very emotional weekend when my grandmother in law passed away and I was not home to comfort my loved ones and missed the viewing and funeral. In the three days, I went through so much negative thinking and endless emotional pain. Then things eased up for me after I received much needed reassurance from my loved ones. Though, I kept having negative thoughts enter my mind out of no where! My break down yesterday was sudden and out of the blue. The release I felt once I let it all go to GOD was profound!

The day before this occurred, I had an epiphany. I realized how deep my love was for “B” and how I could not feel that kind of love without feeling the complete opposite of it. We can either feel all emotions or feel none and I do not ever want to not be able to feel that deep form of love, so I accept the bad with the good. I also realized that I needed to focus more on making him happy than trying to get the emotional and sexual things I wanted from him. That it would all fall into place once I let go of trying to control any of it and spent my energy on expressing my deep love instead. We argue a lot. Much of it would come from how forgetful he is and how I always felt ignored and not heard. We have to accept the ones we love as they are. We cannot change them, but we can change how we react to things. Once I expressed my deepest raw feelings to him, he offered up beautiful words that brought a loving smile to my face every time I read them.

When we were first together eight years ago, he would sing to me in the morning. He would sing the song, “Good Morning Beautiful” and a few days ago, while he was at his mothers for grandma’s funeral, he told me that his uncle had that song as his ring tone and every time he heard it he thought of me. Just hearing that from him lifted me up and love flowed through me. I suddenly missed him so badly I didn’t want to spend another second away from him. Amazing how simple words that express love and thought can transform how I feel. I won’t get to see him for another three days and I have found myself feeling very excited about seeing him and holding him again. I now have a beautiful thing to look forward to and I absolutely love how it feels. I had not felt this kind of excitement in sometime. As if my love was completely renewed just by the few things he had finally said to me. Actually, that love has always been there, but negativity and arguing got in the way of my ability to feel it.

I am determined to make this all work and for love and happiness to be the center of our time left on this earthly plane. I have the power to control how I react to things and how I say things. Everyone wants to feel like they are loved and desired. Reminding the one you love on a daily basis that they are loved and desired will and can go a very long way. We all want to feel good about ourselves and hear it from others too. I used to always build him up with my words and I had not done that in sometime. I see how getting back to building him up will create a flow of love in return from him again. I will immediately pray when I feel down or overwhelmed now. Pray for love to fill my heart and the negative thoughts to forever leave my mind. I know I can do this! I want to do this! I have never wanted to be with anyone else and I allowed the negativity in our lives to cloud my pure thoughts and feelings of love. When I find myself thinking negatively and feeling down, I will remind myself of all of this and I do have the power to change each and every negative thing………….

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This photo is back from Thanksgiving of us…

Day 19, The EGO Mind…

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. We may never know the reason in some events, but sometimes we see the reason pretty quickly too.

For instance, you may have been delayed in arriving to your destination only to find out that if you were on a certain road when you had thought you would be there, you may of been involved in a deadly accident that occurred. Or, you find yourself extremely distressed over your spouse leaving you, but later you realize that you were saved many more years of heartache or abuse by not being with that person any longer.

We all have a path in life. Much like a tree with several branches. Our free will allows us to follow the path in a straight line or branch off onto side roads, but in the end we always arrive at our destination. When you are faced with a split in the road and you are unsure what road to take, ask yourself one thing. Which road comes from love and peace and which road has negativity and stress? Just taking a moment to pause and feel inside which road offers a good feeling and which one offers up a negative feeling, could also be beneficial. There are two things in the world. There is Love and there is Everything else.

We all have two mind sets. One is the EGO mind or the human mind and the other is our soul mind. The Soul Mind always comes from love and peace. The EGO Mind comes from negativity. When we think thoughts that are troubling, those are thoughts from our EGO mind. When we think loving thoughts, those are from our Soul mind. So, when you find yourself with troubling thoughts, ask yourself if they are loving or not. Then you know if they are real genuine thoughts from your soul or if they are just negative thoughts formed by the EGO mind. Just knowing this is beneficial. It may be difficult to stop the EGO mind and it’s negative thoughts, but when we know they are thoughts that are not coming from our Soul, we can remind ourselves that they are not our real thoughts, they are just the human mind trying to cause chaos. I like to say this, “These are not my thoughts and I Do Not accept them!”

Of course, sometimes we have to just allow the EGO mind to flow out and not fight the thoughts. Do NOT accept them as your own, but rather view them as a separate being. As if you are there to comfort your friend in her troubling time. Cry with her and be there for her, but always remind yourself that those thoughts are not coming from your true self. This is how we can work through troubling things that seem to keep coming up in our EGO mind.

I have spent many days or even weeks in my life struggling with negative thoughts over things that had not occurred and never did occur. It always seems to amaze me after the fact, how I wasted days on worry over something that never even happened.

I have three more days here at my parents house and then I am back home again. Today the weather is poor. It’s heavy clouds and rain, but not cold. The pressure must be low, because I can feel it in my head and body. I have two choices I can make. I can go to bed and try to sleep through the increased pain or I can get dressed and push through it the best I can. Neither choice is the right or wrong one. We have to choose what feels best for ourselves. Sometimes we need the extra rest and sometimes we need to push ourselves onward………….

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I don’t normally wear lipstick , but I did in this photo. Not sure yet if I like it or not….lol!

Day 17, Getting back on Track…

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ
“I’ve been coaching long enough to brazenly promise
that if you decide to reclaim the essence of anything
you regret losing, you’ll find itβ€”often sooner than you
think, in ways you would never have expected.”
~ How to Stop Regretting Decision, Martha Beck ~
πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

After a dip into the negative yesterday, I am determined to get back on track today. I have realized a great deal from where my mind went over this weekend and the struggle I had with the negative emotions. Even though I know what I needed to do in order to regain my positive mind, I had a difficult time getting there. Sometimes, it is going to be difficult! Just don’t beat yourself up for having a bad day and move on when the sun rises the next day.

I did finally get some closure to my worries last night when “B” finally messaged me. Funny how my mind just wouldn’t budge from all the negative thoughts. I finally had to vent them out and allow myself to cry and feel all of it. I kept fighting it and that is why it stuck with me for so long. Trying to overcome the decades of negative thinking is challenging, but I will not give up.

If you want to be happy, you need to see yourself as already happy. Smiling, even when we don’t feel like it, does help lift your mood. I like to watch cute animal videos, because they always bring a smile to my face………….

I need to VENT……

I have worked so hard the last two weeks on myself and being a positive person, but I have fallen into a depression hole and I need to vent it out.

I absolutely hate how my mind likes to bring up painful things and how it wants to dwell on negativity! No matter what I am trying, I am still finding myself in a whirl wind of negative thinking. So here it goes, I am spilling all of it…

Friday I get a call from “B” that his grandmother passed away in the night. She was more like a mother to him than a grandmother and she is the one and only person in that entire family that I truly and deeply loved. He informs me that his uncle is getting him a bus ticket to get up there for the viewing and funeral, which is today and tomorrow. Not once did “B” ask for me to come home or even if I wanted to be there as well. I seemed to deal with it just fine on Friday, but then on Saturday it began it’s tormenting on my mind. I started feeling hurt that I wasn’t asked and by today I found myself in a full blown pity party over it all.

Mind you, I have stated a few times how much I loved her and wished I was there too. Nothing at all from him. I hate that I won’t get any closure or be able to see her one last time. I have now been crying off and on this entire day! I have tried feeling my emotions and accepting them. I have tried to occupy my mind on other things. I have endlessly recited my list of Affirmations. Here I am, in a mess of emotions and pain. So, I decided I must need to vent it all out.

What am I feeling? Hurt…. I feel so hurt that no one seemed to think of me in this hole thing. Hurt that I won’t get to say my good byes and hurt that my significant other acted as if I did not matter! I feel so sad and so lonely…. Once again I am faced with being ignored and the roller coaster of emotions associated with that. As if I am being abandoned again. I don’t want to be a bitch or complain, he is in pain too. I don’t know what the right thing to say is anymore. All I know is how profoundly horrible I am feeling.

I want him to realize and understand how this has made me feel, but I don’t want to regret what I say, so I have kept it pretty short and simple. I told him today that I was hurt that I was not asked to come with him and that I would not get to say my good byes to her. That’s it. The only thing he had to say was, “I wish you were here too.” Really, now after two days you say that? After I have finally said twice how I wished I was there. He did not think of me at all or how I would feel. He never does. Why am I letting this bring me so down? I don’t want too!

Why…. Well, that would be because this is what always seems to happen. It is as if I never really matter. So it is not just this event that has caused this emotional hell. It is many events over the last several years. Yes, this is why I needed to write it down and vent it out. So I could see the bigger picture. He never thinks of me or considers me. I honestly feel that he did not even want me with him. Because if he did want me with him, he would of told me that. He would be so pissed off if it was the other way around. He would throw a huge fit and break things.

I knew I was looking at my relationship while I was on this retreat. I felt I was doing well with everything and I found that I do very much love him. I do! Then this occurred and I was slapped in the face again, as usual. I don’t know what to do about it now. Obviously I need to be taking a big look at this relationship. But what is it that I really want? I want to be loved, desired and feel like I matter. The truth is only I can really love myself anyway. Where do I go from here? How do I work through this pain and come out stronger for it? We lack communication and even though I made it very clear from day one that this relationship must have communication, it doesn’t.

So here I am…. Lost and wounded! I cannot control him or expect anything from him. That’s the problem, I expected to matter in this. Somehow, I need to pick myself up and dust myself off and get over it. I just can’t seem to figure out how to do that right now………….

Day 16, Focus on What You WANT…

Have you ever sat down and really thought about what it is you really want? I did this… I took my journal and my pen and wrote “WHAT I WANT”. When I really looked deep inside of myself, I found that it all boils down to three things: Peace, Love and Happiness!

I want to stop all things Negative. I want to replace all things negative with pure love and happiness. This sounds easy, but it is definitely a work in progress. Sometimes I find I can catch a negative thought quickly and I am able to replace it with a positive one. Yet, other times I find myself noticing the negative thought and trying my best to replace it, only for it to keep coming back up over and over in my mind. This is when I know I need to work much harder on this area.

I spend way too much time focusing on things I do not want instead of the things that I do want.
“Visualize this thing you want. See it, feel it, believe in it. Make your mental blueprint and begin.” Robert Collier

In order for us to fully enhance the quality of our life, and achieve at our peak, we must choose wisely in the way our attention is being focused. Life is defined on the notion that our mind is definitely going to find what we focus on. Now whether that is a blessing or a curse is entirely up to you, as you’re in total control of directing that energy. It becomes so frustrating when the experiences that we don’t want to keep showing up, constantly do. The reason they show themselves so often is because we are putting so much energy toward them.

When we focus on the things we don’t want, we get more of them. That uneasiness then begins to consume our reality. This may create a feeling of hopelessness, anger, and disappointment until other areas of our life suffer because of our inner turmoil. It’s quite obvious in everyday life. When you are feeling angry, everything outside will seem distorted and get under your skin. When you are irritated about something, everything will seem to irritate you. When you are happy, then everything seems great. It’s a law of lifeβ€”there is no escaping it. We must learn to enhance our emotional fitness, and that comes from what we choose to focus on. When you continue to focus on what you want, your whole demeanor adapts to your desire. Body language, vocabulary, tone of voice, and even subconscious movements all shift to mold you into the person you need to be.

~http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/03/16/shift-your-focus/~

Depression is a rough thing to deal with. In a matter of seconds I have suddenly felt drained and feel the need to go lay down and rest. I am not going to focus in it, I am just going to take a nap. I will feel better when I get up and I will pick up where I left off here on focusing on what I want. Accepting that the mind is complex and sometimes we just need a break or we need to rest.

Somehow, some way, I will train my focus to stay in the positive and fixate on happiness. After all, happiness is a state of mind and a choice. May your day be filled with Love, Happiness and Peace………….

Self Esteem and Imperfections…

I have struggled quite a bit this evening with my own self esteem issues and the fears I have in regards to my current relationship. I found myself feeling nauseated and ill. I couldn’t stop the negative thoughts I was having. Over and over I was thinking how I didn’t matter and how I feared “B” was going to do something to hurt me while he was on his trip back home for his grandmothers funeral. I felt horrible that I wasn’t going to be able to go up there and see her one last time, like I was being abandoned again! Earlier I had discovered that “B’s” sister invited “B’s” ex girlfriend to attend the viewing and funeral. That was when my negative self talk went on a non-stop ride in my head.

I told myself repeatedly that I was worrying about something that had not happened and that I was not going to accept those thoughts. Yet, no matter what I did or said, it just wouldn’t stop. I finally decided I needed to look online for something I could read that might help me deal with it in a better way. Below is what I found to be useful:

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STOP FOCUSING ON THE NEGATIVES

There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. Even if it seems perfect now, it won’t always be. Imperfection, however, is real and beautiful. The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations. It’s how two people accept and deal with the imperfections of their relationship that make it ideal.

When you invent problems in your relationships, your relationships ultimately suffer. Insecurity is often the culprit. If you doubt yourself and you don’t realize your own worth, you will pass on any opportunity to let others care for you, and you will remain stuck with the insecurity issues that weigh you down.

Next time you feel insecure, and you catch yourself stressing about problems that don’t exist, stop yourself and take a deep breath. Then tell yourself, β€œThis problem I’m concerned with only exists in my mind.” Being able to distinguish between what you imagine and what is actually happening in your life is an important step towards self-confidence.

No meaningful relationship will always work flawlessly all the time. Being too black and white about the quality and health of a relationship spells trouble. There will always be difficulties present, but you can still focus on the good. Insecure people constantly look for signs of what’s not working in their relationships. What you need to do is look for signs of what is.

Having an appreciation for how remarkable the people in your life are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places. So notice their strong qualities, cheer for their victories, and encourage their goals and ambitions. Challenge them to be the best they can be. Every day, acknowledge just how amazing they are.
~~~Sections From the website: marcandangel.com~~~
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Reading this has greatly helped me. I definitely look at the signs of what is not working, when I need to be focusing in on what is working. I feel much better now and I am no longer nauseated or ill. Sometimes even when you know the right things to say to yourself, you still find yourself having to struggle to move past the negativity. And, it doesn’t help when your significant other can’t seem to tell you the things you are wishing to hear. So, we have to be our own cheerleaders and we have to tell ourselves those precious words we wish so deeply to hear.

I have realized that my self esteem is very low. I thought I had already moved past that issue, but today I was shown that I have not! Creating a happy and peaceful life requires work. Working at it every single day and there will be bumps in the road. Every day for the last 15 days I have read and applied many different ways of positive thinking. I have a long way to go, but I have not given up. I can see how far I have already come in such a short amount of time. After all, it took me over 40 years to get the way I am………….

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February 22, 2014, ME!