Closing out January 2014…

“Don’t fight fearful thoughts. Just match each one with
an alternative thought that brings you more peace.”
~Daily Coach Tip, Martha Beck

Yesterday started out a good day, then in the afternoon, I discovered that the cat litter box had not been scooped in several days. This is the easiest chore in the house and the person who was responsible for that chore once a day was too lazy to do it. It was so bad that I had to completely dump it all, scrub the box and scrape up money to buy litter for it. Just another reminder of how utterly lazy the people in this house are! One of the cats decided to let me know about the litter box by peeing on my bed twice. I did tell the individual with that chore just how lazy they are. You have one chore and you can’t do it!?! Life is way too easy for these people. I would hate to see if they had their own place, it would be a nasty pig sty. What do I need to do in order to knock some sense into their heads?

Aside from that, I had a good morning and then a stressed out and irritated night. The past few days I have had pretty good mornings. Mentally, the mornings have been very nice. Though, it is usually torn away from me due to the other people in this house. I have spent my life not wanting to be alone, when everything keeps pointing to being alone is the only peace I will ever get. I have found the following three things to be a huge issue in my life. I know these are the areas I need to focus my attention on.

ABANDONMENT: As a baby, I would scream if I could not see my mother. Like I was born with abandonment issues. I believe this must be an important thing for me to over come. I have never actually been alone. Married three times and had three kids. Not once was I ever alone. Married the first time at age 16 and lived with my parents. When I did move out I had a four month old baby and a husband. The short spell of not being with a man between each marriage, was actually very short. A couple of weeks to a month at tops and I still had my children. I do not like the idea of being completely alone, but I never allowed myself to enjoy being alone. I do believe this is something I must over come in this lifetime!

WORRY/STRESS: We often fear or worry about things that are not even happening. So much of my life has been lost to that kind of worry. It has not even happened and yet I will be worrying about the possibility of it all. Somehow, I have always found a way to make ends meet, yet I spend way too much time worrying and stressing over the possible outcomes. I was also born a worry wart! Even as a child I worried about things. My son is also this way, yet I do believe he is even worse than I have ever been. So, worrying about things that have not even occurred is another thing I am positive I need to work on.

CONTROL: This is another area I need to let go of. I have always tried to control things or situations. This causes a lot of emotional crap. We cannot control anyone but ourselves. Even thinking we can is damaging to ourselves. Believe me, I spent many years trying to control a spouse, children and even when I used the bathroom. I tried to have control over something, anything! The fact is, we only have control with ourself. When we find out that we are powerless over anyone or anything aside from ourself, we can allow ourselves to give up the need for control. Just by being consciously aware that it is impossible to control them. Everyone has their own free will. We have to find what makes us happy and know that another person is not the key to happiness.

If I had only spent all those years working on myself, instead of worrying about others or trying to control them, I would be in a much better place right now. I am determined to work through these issues and come out the other side a much happier being for it………….

Today I Was Reminded…

I woke with my usual nagging pain that made me have to get out of bed. Like any other morning, I was feeling sorry for myself. One of the first things I do Is check my email. I had an email from my mother that was a story/joke and it was entitled Depressed? It made me realize I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and begin feeling grateful for what I do have. So I decided to share it with all of you.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.
He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his
despair, he decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all.

He started thinking, “What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with.”

He thought “There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.”

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, “Why are you so happy anyway?”

He said, “I’m NOT happy. My balls itch.”

This also reminded me that perception is everything. Adjusting our perception is an important tool to getting through life happier. Here I sit with my limbs all still intact. I have use of my arms and legs. Walking may be difficult, but I am still able to do it. There is always someone worse off than we are. There are many people in this world that live happily with far more challenging things.

Finding the positive in things is how we begin to see that life is worth living. I know I am guilty of getting wrapped up in my pain and depression so much that seeing anything positive is difficult. Sometimes I wonder if the negativity placed around me is there to teach me something. Maybe I am supposed to be learning how to find happiness in spite of all the negativity. I am trying to do just that. It is ok to have bad days or even hours. I know I do and I have learnt to not fight the feelings, but rather allow them to flow through me. It doesn’t feel good to be depressed or in a great deal of pain, but fighting it was causing me even more issues. Accepting that I am having a bad time and going to bed, has helped me come through each episode with less stress. I have noticed my depression spells seem to be shorter when I just allow them to occur without fighting them. This does not mean I do not have very difficult times, because I do. I just found it to be helpful to go with the flow of things.

I worked on a drawing yesterday, to occupy my mind away from things. I am happy to say that it did help. Drawing and focusing on what I was drawing, drew my attention away from my depression and some of the pain. Even if I find short spells of peace, they are always greatly appreciated! I have not spent time drawing in about two years. Usually I would find myself drawing during the winter months, much the same for crocheting. I have always gone through spells where I will be into one things and then something else. Drawing, coloring in coloring books and crocheting have always been winter things I do. I guess that is due to being in the house much more often. I am going to incorporate drawing to my daily activity list, even if it is just doodling.

Since I began daily writing in a journal again, I have noticed I am dealing with things a bit better as well. So, no matter how I feel I write in my journal. I have found that the morning time is the best time for me to do this. I seem to wake with thoughts going through my mind and getting them down on paper is easier then. Plus, if I have a dream, I can get it written down before I forget it. Being able to go way back and see the things I wrote has been interesting and a reminder of the issues I have not fully dealt with, as of yet. Funny, how we completely forget things, unless we have a journal to look back with.

We all have a beautiful light inside each of us and peace can be found within. Taking the time to find your light will help you achieve peace. Just a few minutes a day, deeply breathing and relaxing your body, will unlock the source of peace within you. I have been able to find peace, even if only for moments at a time, by relaxing my body and mind and just being still. Allowing my mind to become blank and visualizing a beautiful place where I can sit in a tree by a waterfall. I run through a field of wild flowers and I walk through the woods with awe of all the beauty nature has to offer. Sometimes, I walk along a quiet beach. I do all of this, in my mind while I am relaxed. My meditation and my place to find peace………….


Hump Day…

We received around two inches of snow after about a half inch of ice yesterday and over night. I was only able to sleep about six hours, but I did wake with a bunch of energy and I felt pretty good. After a couple of hours the depression lurked back in. I forced myself to get dress and go out in the snow, which is a rarity here, to attempt to make a snowman. I have always made a snow man when ever we have received snow here. I was very careful of where I stepped. Falling is a great fear of mine. My feet are dead and it is hard to walk. The snow wouldn’t pack on its own so you couldn’t roll it to make a snowman. I hand packed three small balls and made a very small snowman, but I could not finish him. My hands hurt so bad and were so frozen I had to go inside. I had thought getting out there would lift my mood, but all it has done is drag me farther down. Feeling sorry for myself, since I can’t seem to do any of the things I have always enjoyed.

The depression makes me want to sleep, yet I am so wide awake that sleep is impossible. It would be so much easier if I could just go to sleep and try again when I woke up, but no….. My spouse and son took my grandson down to to he neighbors house. I was, of course, left here by myself. They asked me to come down, but I was set on trying to make a snowman. How nice it would be for them to take the time to be with me and do something with me. There lies much of my problems mentally! I want them to want to be with me and do something with me and then when they don’t, which is always, I feel down for it. We can only control ourselves! We have to find a way to be happy being with just ourselves! I know this and yet my mind plays this game with me. Ugh! So here I find myself, as most days, alone and down and bored. Nothing sounds like fun and when I push myself to do something anyway, I end up feeling even more down for it. What a mess! I am so tired of the only option being laying in bed and finding something to watch on Netflix.

I am tired of the double standards too! How it’s fine and dandy for him to go out to the bar and shoot pool with a friend, but if I try to go out with a friend he becomes irate! I am so tired of feeling this way. I want to feel good and do things. A portion of myself does feel energetic, yet the mind is so covered in darkness that nothing is appealing and I feel I am just rotting away the days. Something new lately, I have been feeling quite feisty sexually, as I always used to feel. I want sex and I want him to grab me and ravish me, but that never happens. I wanted it so badly yesterday that I knocked him down and climbed on top of him. Somehow I rubbed the skin right off of my elbow and I had a hell of a time getting off. I am back to constantly thinking about sex and wishing I had someone who would actively come after me. Ravish me….. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I find one thing that is good in this life? Oh how I wish I could just sleep……………

Expecting Snow in the Deep South tonight….

We are expecting snow to start this afternoon with sleet and then snow all night. Expected amount of snow is 2-4 inches with about a 1/2″ of ice. Schools are closed today and tomorrow. We don’t have snow plows or salt trucks down here. We rarely ever see snow down here. This will be the first time my grandson sees snow, he is now 4 years old. Of course, everyone goes mad and buys out the stores when we are expecting snow or ice. I like seeing it for a day and playing in it to make a snowman when we do have it, but I am grateful that it is usually gone by the time the sun is up the next day!

Precipitation always effects my pain levels, so I am assuming the impending snow and sleet is the cause of my high pain levels today. There is also, constant negativity around here, which makes it difficult to keep positive thoughts. When the words that come out of some of the household members mouths are always negative and argumentive, it’s an uphill battle to find anything positive. Here I sit, hiding in my bedroom and praying I can find an ounce of positivity!

I discovered yesterday, that the numbness in my feet has spread further. My left foot and leg is now numb all the way up to my knee, which made it very difficult to walk. I fear how long I have before it does what it always does and spread to the right leg too. My house is small and compact which makes it impossible to get around in a wheel chair. I really do not want to be in a wheel chair again. Sad thoughts fill my mind today. I guess I need to accept that today is just a bad day and let it be. No need to fight the feelings, as this always makes life much more difficult. Instead, accept that it’s a bad day and allow myself to relax and do what ever it is my body wants to do. Usually that is laying In bed when it’s this bad. I feel a great deal of irritation and things spoke by others causes me to feel very snippy! Best to just stay away from everyone today.

Yes, the darkness of despair and depression are pressing down upon me. Such a negative place to be. I do not like it here, yet sometimes, I am unable to emerge from the dark and lonely place I find myself in. Chalk it up to a day of depression and a day that I need to rest. I must find something to eat and that is never a delight for me. No matter what I crave, I have only a few choices and I have to force myself to eat something so I do not go even further down the path of feeling ill. I know I need to eat more protein, because I usually end up craving meat every night.

Ok then, everything will be just fine. I am strong and resilient! I am allowed to feel down and for my body to rest. All is still ok! Snuggle up on bed with my fuzzy blanket and watch some movies. Nap if my body wants too. It is all ok. There is always tomorrow…

I have been Thinking……

Yes, I have been thinking and sometimes that brings a wave of the emotional roller-coaster. My thoughts have been to when I lived in Southern, Illinois. It is a farming community and I had my dream home there. It was quiet and I did not have neighbors close by. That I do miss greatly! Funny thing is, I think back to it all the time and miss it and hate that I had to leave. I was going through my old journals. I used to write every day in them and I did that for years. That is something I am going to start up again, because I forgot all the things that happened to me while I lived there. It was not until I read some of my journals that I was able to see why I did let myself leave there even though I had my dream home. If I had not been writing daily in a journal, I would still be thinking that place was all roses.

To my surprise I read how much turmoil I was in with my best friend. A best friend since age ten and she was the only person I knew there and the reason I chose to live there. I completely forgot all the horrible things I went through with her and how on three separate occasions in the five years I lived there, I shut the door on our friendship. The way she took sides with a drug addict when my daughter said she was touched Inappropriately. When she decided to divorce her husband and drag me in the middle of it all, shortly after my son died. I love her very much and I always will, but I had forgotten how bad things got. I could of fought and probably stayed in my dream home, but I chose to get out of there because of all the crap that was always going on. I have been remembering things all wrong, until I read my journals.

I began writing in journals back in 1993 or so and I did so until around 2007. So I picked up one of my many empty journals and began writing again today. I wonder how much I have been remembering differently than how it actually happened. Sometimes we need to be reminded of why we chose certain paths. Writing in a journal is a very therapeutic thing to do. You get out your feelings and you can look back on them to see where you were and how far you had come. I also saw how many of my current struggles were struggles back then too. I have not learned from those things if they are still occurring today. One thing is for sure, when you write in a journal, you don’t have to worry about loosing it if something happened to your computer and your online blog. If you do one thing for yourself, make it to write in a journal daily. Time goes by quickly and before you know it, a decade or more has passed. Maybe you were thinking about something that happened too you. If you write in a journal, you can go back and see exactly what it was and how you handled it. Plus, I found that when I made goals in my journal, I accomplished them…


Hit by the Boredom Bug today…

Lately, I have been just plain bored. With depression, it is often extremely difficult to find things you actually want to do. I went down my list of things, in which I wrote on a good day, to keep busy when bored. Not one thing on that list was something I wanted to do. I then went to the internet and searched things to do when you are bored. There, I also could not find a single thing I wanted to do. Ugh! Mental illness sure can make life difficult.

I finally picked up my wireless headphones and played my music while forcing myself to clean the very dirty bathroom. That task is done and I do feel accomplished since I did do something. Though, I still have that feeling of complete and utter boredom. So I put my headphones back on and let the music take me away from my reality.

What is up with the way my mind works? It is much like fighting a battle with myself. Depression definitely makes things more difficult than they need to be. So how do we get ourselves passed it all? We just have to keep pushing forward. Try as we can to keep busy so our mind does not wander back to the darkness. I had not listened to music in a very long time and I can tell you that music definitely helps lift my mood, but depending on what I listen too, it can also drag my mood farther down.

I have a list of things that can and need to be done around the house, but when I am in that dark place I just cannot seem to get myself to do any of those things. For me, depression comes in long spells. It hangs around for some time and then I get a few days or a week maybe that it is not so bad. Life has been a difficult journey dealing with depression and my journey has become extremely hard since the chronic pain has been added to my list of issues. Depression and anxiety and panic have been with me my entire life. That just proves to me that I was born with messed up wiring in my brain. I think we all are born with it. I often look at people that seem so happy and have so much energy and wonder why I couldn’t be that way too. To wake up with a smile on my face and have energy to get through everything in a day….. How fantastic that would be. Then again, I don’t know for sure that those people really do feel as happy as they look. I have known many people who pretend very well. I have never been one to pretend. I am what you see. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I don’t hide how I feel. I have always talked about anything that bothers me. That has always bothered my entire family. I am the youngest of five kids and none of them talk about their feelings or wear their emotions on their sleeve. I have always known how important it is to talk about things, yet no one else in my family can do that. I do believe I am still alive today because I talk about things and I don’t pretend to be something else.

It took me over thirty years to realize that living by time was causing most of my panic issues. It took me another two years to figure out how to live without time as much as possible. Things could be worse, I could still be having full blown panic attacks every single day of my life. I learned to remove time as much as possible and I avoid crowds. That’s what works for me. I tend to pick up on other peoples emotions and being around a lot of people has never been something I liked. Even as a kid I tried to stay away from groups and I have always only had one or two close friends. I don’t trust easily and for good reason. I do, however, always look for the good in people. My mother always asked me how I could take the one person no one liked and find the one thing that was good about them. Funny, how I can do that with others, yet I don’t do that with myself.

Everyone has gifts. Each and every one of you do! No one is exactly alike. We are all very special. Using your creativity aids in unleashing a better feeling about yourself. What ever it is, drawing, coloring, doodling, crafts, tricks, magic, hair, nails….. The list is endless. What ever it is that is your creativity, find it and use it often. It opens up your heart and fills you with purpose. A passion so to say. We all need a passion. We all have something in us that is special and unique! My wish is for everyone to find their passion…

Never Give Up…

No matter what happens, Never give up! We all have bad days, sometimes weeks at a time, but one thing I know for sure is it always passes at some point. I have felt the depths of despair and depression so deep I prayed for death. Struggling with chronic pain that is always a part of your life is very difficult. You have to find a way to accept that sometimes things are just going to suck. Every day, when I wake, I start new. I give it my all and sometimes, I end up back in bed. I have discovered that I Must live life one day at a time. If it is a good day, then that’s awesome! If it is a bad day, then I have to accept it and go where my body wants me to be. When I stop fighting the way I feel and I allow myself to rest or what ever I feel I need to do, the darkness lifts quicker than when I fight it. Though it truly does suck to be in the darkness, fighting it is only causing more chaos with in me.

Yesterday I set out to accomplish I few things. I put them on my schedule and I made myself tackle each one as the day wore on. First off, I had to clean the containers so I could make a new batch of my Healing Salve. Secondly, I had to make the Healing Salve. And lastly, I made lip balm. I felt very accomplished when I finished each task. I was reminded that keeping myself busy and creating something always made me feel good any myself. Yesterday was a good day for me. I wanted to continue on that path today and I had scheduled three things to accomplish for today. I did two of those things I had scheduled and the last one I have not tackled. I began to feel bad about not doing it and quickly the negative thoughts filled my mind. I had to stop myself and remind myself that it is ok to not do things. If I do not feel like doing them, then I don’t have too. After fighting with myself for a couple of hours and then finally realizing I was better off being happy for what I did accomplish, I finally simmered down and walked myself through my affirmations once again. Living life with chronic pain can be very difficult. You have to be sure not to schedule things for yourself that will wear you thin or use up too much of the little energy you do have. I always make sure the tasks I do schedule are small ones, but I had allowed myself to feel negative over not tackling the last task, when I needed to be joyful for the two I did tackle. Perception is everything. The happiest people in the world are not the ones who are rich, they are the ones that are content and joyous with what they already do have. I myself have been in the shoes of the very poor and the very well off. My happiness never was increased by the fact I had money. Finding it within ourselves to be grateful for what we already have, is how you become a content and happy person. This is difficult to do when you find yourself in the grip of despair and depression. That is why having Affirmations written down so you do not have to find the things to be grateful for, is so very helpful. It is easy to see all the good in our lives when we are having a good day, but it is near impossible to think of those things when the darkness surrounds us. So do yourself a favor, the next good day you have, write down all the wonderful things in your life and then when you are having a bad day, say that list out loud!

Be gentle with yourself! We often don’t treat ourselves as well as we would our best friend. We need to treat ourselves as we are our best friend. Being kind to ourself needs to be the number one thing we all do. What would you say to your best friend if she was feeling down? You would be there for her and tell her how much you love her and care for her. We are never really alone, for we always have ourselves to comfort us. I do believe that if we would just be kind to ourselves and talk to ourselves as if we were the best friend we ever had, we would find life a much more wonderful place to be. Think of what you would tell your best friend while she was going through depression. Write it down and pull that paper out when you are in your darkest of times. My biggest problem has always been feeling like I was completely alone. Once you allow the negative thoughts to take up space in your mind, they multiply quicker than you can snap your fingers. Instead of looking to others for the compassion and love that we would give and we want to receive, off it to yourself! In the end, we only truly do have ourselves. There is no better time than right now to start treating yourself like the beautiful and loving being that you are! Hey, I accomplished two tasks today and I think I deserve a cookie for that. Lucky for me, I made some cookies last night………….


Why do we want so badly to grow up, when we are children?

I remember all through my child hood I couldn’t wait to get to each milestone and become an adult. First it was, I can’t wait to be able to ride that school bus. Then, I can wait until I am officially a teenage. Onto, I can’t wait until I get my license and I can’t wait to be an adult and turn 18. Finally, I can’t wait to be 21 and I can go to a bar. The next thing you know you are an adult and you have a ton of responsibilities. I would give anything to be a kid again and not push to grow up. Even my grandson, who just turned four, is constantly saying that he is big so he can do things. You don’t know it at the time, but you have such a carefree life without the worries of paying bills. You have someone taking care of you. You never think things will happen to you either. AHH…. The simplicity of childhood. Out playing all day, just had to be home when the street lights turned on. I tried to get my kids to realize that growing up was not fun, but they still pushed on to each milestone. I do miss my kids being kids though. When they were nice and innocent. Before they grew too big and lashed out at me. When they would listen to me and know I was right. Their sweet faces when they were sleeping. However, I spoiled my kids way too much and that is my own fault. They grew to be childish and immature adults that choose partying over responsibilities.

When ever my daughter lives here with me, she causes a great deal of drama and chaos. Since puberty hit she had become one that sought out drugs and alcohol. Now, she is a quarter of a century old and has not changed her ways at all, not even after having a child of her own. She has always become mixed up with the wrong crowd. For her, the wrong crowd is usually meth addicts. When she does meth, I can always tell. She quickly becomes and evil person who spews nasty things toward me. For instance, while high on meth, she told me this…. “I can’t wait until you die so I can piss on your grave!” She has been out of my house more than six different times now. Every time she would swear she would not do the drugs again and every time she went right back to them. For the last year and a half she had been living in northern, IL and I had her son. I allowed her to come home two days before Christmas. Only a month here and she is wrapped up with those same people again. Though I do know she isn’t on the meth, yet! My reasoning for allowing her to come home was simple. No one here would take full care of her son and I have been very ill and unable too, so for his well being I let her come back. I knew instantly he had missed her something fierce and he has not left her side since she has returned. Another thing about my daughter, she is the biggest master manipulator I have ever known. She has a way with words and she slips thoughts into everyone’s heads, which then get everyone fighting. She loves drama. I know all of this about her. I know her better than anyone. I do not easily fall for her manipulation, but the other day I realized that the huge emotional warfare going on here, was actually her doing. When I step back and really listen to the words she speaks, I can see it. She sounds so sweet and caring and as if she loves you more than life it’s self and she slips in the little things to make you not trust others in the house or to make you begin to fear your partner is cheating on you. I have been through this so many times, you would think I would no longer be affected by her doings. This is not the case, as I just realized yesterday. Another thing to note, since she has been back, my animals have been acting weird. My cat that is my best friend has suddenly attacked everyone in the house yesterday, except for me. She was found growling on the window ledge as well. My dog has been suddenly acting as if he cannot hear or see very well. He has refused to eat the last two days too. He is only going on nine years old this year. I think it is the negativity in the air here. It is so thick you could cut it with a knife. The negativity is the main reason I am taking a three week break from here as soon as possible.

I could only sleep for four hours last night, so I have been up before the sun today. I keep hoping today will be the day I will emerge from my bedroom and get something accomplished. I do want to make my lotion, toner, cleanser and salves. Each day, when I do finally come out of my room, it is like I walk through a cloud of negativity. You can actually feel any and all positive thoughts or feelings suddenly leave your body. Like walking through a wall of fog. I would be accurate to say my daughter is a vampire. She sucks the positive life force from you all while she has a innocent smile upon her face. Yet, it is not only her that sucks the positive from you. “B” is also a giant negativity ball. Except he looks the part too. He looks pissed off most of his waking time. Every word that emerges from his mouth is negative. He is unable to find anything positive to say, ever! The only break I get from him is when he is not here. I see why I hide in my bedroom and bathroom. It is the only place I can block the negativity. It is the only place I can actually feel good, that is, until I come out of my room.

Here is to hoping I get something accomplished today when I do finally emerge from my den. I get to leave in exactly 14 days from now. Let the count down begin……..


My best friend kitty, Athena!

Engulfed by the darkness of Despair and Loneliness…

Nothing like being in constant pain, having depression consume you and feeling as though you are completely alone even though you are in a house full of people. Despair has infiltrated my being. I now see that I must be the problem. I need to take the time to uncover all that is within me. Every locked door and every hidden ghost. No one but myself is to blame for how I feel. We have control over ourselves. I have fought so hard to grab ahold of every possible positive things and I have tried with all of my might to reach a place of peace. I must be going about it all wrong. I am the damaged one. It has to be all me. I am too critical! I am the one always pointing out the negative things. Everyone here around me says so. Therefore it must be true.

I started to go back in my life and unlock some of the locked doors. I felt the pain and anguish that I had stuffed so deep behind each locked door. It was helping me! Then I stopped doing it. Yes, you have to relive emotions and feelings of all the horrible things you endured in life. However, after you do that, you are able to move onward. I know the key is too open all of the locked doors. When depression floods you with darkness, you cannot find the doors. It’s too dark to see and you do not have a flashlight in there. When you reach out to others, but only feel as though they turned their back on you, depression comes swiftly. I have always put too much on others. Wanting them to be toward me as I would for them. This has never happened though, so why do I keep trying to find the empathy within them? I have to stop that behavior. I have to stand tall and reach within myself. For the only one I ever truly have is myself. Why is this such a hard thing to do?

In my life, I recall many things. I have touched base on I some of these things. One thing that keeps coming to mind for me, as of late, is how I knew I needed help when I was a pre teen and I knew I had serious problems with depression. I asked my mother to take me to a doctor and her response was that I did not have a problem. That people simply did not go to the doctor because they felt down. Her of all people, I thought would of understood. I know she had the darkness of depression along with some serious anger issues. But in that day and time, you didn’t talk about those things or admit they were real. Being turned away from the one person I thought could help me, I began a spiral down a not so good path. I was negative all the time and life purely sucked. At that time I was living in northern, IL where the kids were horrible to me. They picked on me and treated me like dirt. I found myself in the depths of depression so great and I hated just living.

The Next thing I knew, I was involving myself with the wrong people. The bad kids and the one that did drugs. I was smoking pot often, even though I hated feeling high. I tended to get paranoid every time, but I wanted to be excepted in this crowd. Because they were the only ones who offered me a place. I carried a knife at all times and acted as if I was a baddass! All the while I was just a terrified little girl living in darkness. I actually started smoking pot because of my sister. She and her husband smoked it often. I was eleven years old and I will never forget the day. I was over at her place as usual for the weekend. I loved my little niece so much and I would watch her while they went out. This night, we were in the neighbors apartment that connected to theirs. They lit up a joint as usual. I would always sit there and watch them smoke it. By brother in law said, “Hey, Let’s get L high”. My sister said ok! They passed the joint to me and told me to inhale the smoke like a cigarette, but to hold it in as long as I could. I took one hit and held it then coughed my lung out. I was immediately happy and giggling. Everything was so funny and fun. They spent the next hour laughing at me and how funny I was being. I thought it was great, but little did I know then that I would never feel that funny giggle feeling again smoking pot. Not ever again, though it tried so many times. I guess it was just for the first time for me. My sister then would bring me a joint for myself every weekend when she came to the house. Being only eleven years old I would walk out to the woods with a few friends. They were always in awe of what I was doing, but none of them ever wanted to try it. I never pushed it on anyone. They just wanted to watch me do it and hang out with me. How stupid I was, to continue to smoke that. I never felt happy from it again. Just messed up in my head and I had no control over myself. I hated how it felt and yet I continued to do it. I assume now that I continued because I got attention from doing it. My whole life I always tried to get some kind of attention. I learned that if I just took two hits off the joint I could handle how I felt. I did not like being stoned at all, just a little high. That was when I started down the wrong path in life. I often wonder if things would of been different I my sister never introduced me to pot. It was a way to get a break from the depression back then. Next thing I knew I was drinking beer or anything I could get my hands on. Just to catch a break from the depression and my life. I always found friends that did those things and were really not the kind of people I should of surrounded myself with.

By the age of 14 I was drinking and smoking all the time. Anything I could do to get away from my thoughts. And then I was introduced to speed. It was sold daily at high school and super easy to get my hands on. I liked the way speed made me feel. I had energy and could do anything I wanted as long as I was on speed. Since I always felt tired and down, unless I was on speed, that became my new best friend. I absolutely loved it. I found out who dealt it and dated them, just so I had a constant supply of it around me. Wow, just thinking about this makes me nauseated! I had sex for the first time when I was 14. I was drunk and with my then boyfriend who was 18 years old. I remember it was in the back seat of his car, which was parked out front of my sisters house. I was scared of how much it would hurt, because friend a of mine said it would hurt and that I would bleed. Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt at all and I never bled. I didn’t even really feel anything, but I had assumed that was due to me being drunk. So the next day I decided I wanted to try it again when I wasn’t drunk and I went to my boyfriends house while his parents were out. We were in the middle of the act, when we heard his parents come back home. I quickly got dressed and went out the window and then had to walk all the way back to my house. I have often wondered why sex never hurt or made me bleed. I figured I must have had something happen to me that I locked away behind a door in my mind and I still have not been able to open. You see, when I was 7 years old I would think about sex, even though I never had sex. I would play with myself and this continued on for years. How does a child think about sex if they have never had sex? I am willing to bet someone did something very wrong to me when I was very young. One of my cousins would fondle me when ever he came to visit. I liked the attention, but we never had sex. I have no memory of having sex until that night in the back seat of my boyfriends car. I did quickly discover that I could get whatever I wanted with sex. I loved the attention even though I knew none of the boys really cared about me and they only wanted sex. I was willing to take attention any way I could get it! My teen years are pretty fuzzy. From age 14 up until age 16 1/2 when I got pregnant then forced to marry. I was like many teenage girls, I thought a baby would love me no matter what and I never thought about how much it took to care for a child. I really did make a lot of very poor choices and I sure as hell never really thought about my future. I guess that is why I have lived my life full of sorrow, pain and the loss of my son when he was 16. My pour choices set me on the road of pure hell. I want off this train! For the last 30 + years I have been on this train and I have tried to get off. I never did drugs again once I was in my twenties and I absolutely hate the taste of beer and how it makes me feel. I wish I could go back and make the right choices. I wish I could make my life a better one and not of done those stupid things!

I am 44 years old now. I am tired and I am in constant pain. Depression is always looming closely by over saturating me in its darkness. Right now I am within the darkness. I’m not going to fight it this time. I am just going to allow it to run its course. Eventually it will lift. I just need to rest and I will take any rest I can get. The one good thing about depression, you can sleep more, usually! If the pain doesn’t make me stay up that is! It is after 4 in the afternoon and I am still in my pajamas. My bed is calling my name, even if I can’t sleep, I can rest……..

I had a Horrible Night…

Tonight was horrible! Everyone in my life here with me has either turned their back on me or is yelling nasty things to me face. No one is here for me. No matter how hard I try to just be able to talk to any of them, they either refuses to talk or they spit out hateful things. I am almost certain they are doing all they can to make me leave and never come back. I definitely want to do that now. After all, if you really love someone and don’t want them to go away, wouldn’t you talk to them and use nice words?

I have battled depression my entire life and up until now, I have never felt completely abandoned by everyone. I have felt completely alone, but I always had family members that I could talk to. My adult son does nothing but say nasty words to me and then blare his music with no regard to my well being or care that this is my house. He goes off in fits of anger and punches holes in things. My adult daughter says she loves me and that I need to leave now and find a happy life, but then says how my spouse is cheating on me and lies to me and doesn’t care about me. My spouse won’t comfort me or even try to talk to me about anything. I have two weeks to go before I get to leave this place for three weeks. I have now slipped into the darkness of despair and depression so great that I wonder if I will even be able to get out of bed to leave in two weeks. I don’t want to ever come back here again now. I now know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I cannot live in this house with these people and survive. I was going to pay the mortgage on this house until they could all get on their feet and pay it themselves. Which will leave me with no money at all for things I will need. Now, I feel a great need to just walk away and let them figure it out themselves. However, there is a small voice that worries so much about my grandson and the animals if the adults don’t get it together and cover the mortgage. My few friends keep telling me to leave and let them fend for them selves. What is the right thing to do? I know for me, the right thing to do is too leave permanently! I do have to come back after three weeks to go to the doctor and refill my medications, but I could leave after that if I am able to find a doctor down in Florida that will take me on. Maybe I should pay the mortgage for the next two months then play it by ear after that.

I need to make things before I leave too. I make all my own cleaners, soap and healing salve. So I need to make these before I go so I have them. Yet, the darkness engulfs me and is pulling me down to its depths. I honestly felt like I wouldn’t make it through the night tonight! I desperately wanted to just die and be done with all the pain and suffering. It is hard enough to get through each day in constant pain, then add to that how horribly I am treated and being completely alone. If I ever find a time machine I will definitely go back to before I was conceived and make sure I never am conceived! I have lived through far too much to continue to endure so much more. I can honestly understand why someone would take their own life. Feeling like it was the only way out. But never fear, I am far too afraid to do such a thing. The thoughts are there, but I suffer in so much pain already I can not inflict any more upon myself in an attempt to end it all. Not to mention with the luck I have, I wouldn’t be able to succeed anyway and I would live even longer in even more pain!

I feel my body and my mind shutting down to protect myself. I can barely keep my eyes open now from all the stress and depression. Sleep calls unto me. I shall lay my head down now and sleep will be very welcomed. I imagine I will sleep for many hours this time. The more the better. Since while I sleep, I do not feel pain or despair. Good night my friends…. May tomorrow bring some peace my way………….