Closing out January 2014…

“Don’t fight fearful thoughts. Just match each one with
an alternative thought that brings you more peace.”
~Daily Coach Tip, Martha Beck

Yesterday started out a good day, then in the afternoon, I discovered that the cat litter box had not been scooped in several days. This is the easiest chore in the house and the person who was responsible for that chore once a day was too lazy to do it. It was so bad that I had to completely dump it all, scrub the box and scrape up money to buy litter for it. Just another reminder of how utterly lazy the people in this house are! One of the cats decided to let me know about the litter box by peeing on my bed twice. I did tell the individual with that chore just how lazy they are. You have one chore and you can’t do it!?! Life is way too easy for these people. I would hate to see if they had their own place, it would be a nasty pig sty. What do I need to do in order to knock some sense into their heads?

Aside from that, I had a good morning and then a stressed out and irritated night. The past few days I have had pretty good mornings. Mentally, the mornings have been very nice. Though, it is usually torn away from me due to the other people in this house. I have spent my life not wanting to be alone, when everything keeps pointing to being alone is the only peace I will ever get. I have found the following three things to be a huge issue in my life. I know these are the areas I need to focus my attention on.

ABANDONMENT: As a baby, I would scream if I could not see my mother. Like I was born with abandonment issues. I believe this must be an important thing for me to over come. I have never actually been alone. Married three times and had three kids. Not once was I ever alone. Married the first time at age 16 and lived with my parents. When I did move out I had a four month old baby and a husband. The short spell of not being with a man between each marriage, was actually very short. A couple of weeks to a month at tops and I still had my children. I do not like the idea of being completely alone, but I never allowed myself to enjoy being alone. I do believe this is something I must over come in this lifetime!

WORRY/STRESS: We often fear or worry about things that are not even happening. So much of my life has been lost to that kind of worry. It has not even happened and yet I will be worrying about the possibility of it all. Somehow, I have always found a way to make ends meet, yet I spend way too much time worrying and stressing over the possible outcomes. I was also born a worry wart! Even as a child I worried about things. My son is also this way, yet I do believe he is even worse than I have ever been. So, worrying about things that have not even occurred is another thing I am positive I need to work on.

CONTROL: This is another area I need to let go of. I have always tried to control things or situations. This causes a lot of emotional crap. We cannot control anyone but ourselves. Even thinking we can is damaging to ourselves. Believe me, I spent many years trying to control a spouse, children and even when I used the bathroom. I tried to have control over something, anything! The fact is, we only have control with ourself. When we find out that we are powerless over anyone or anything aside from ourself, we can allow ourselves to give up the need for control. Just by being consciously aware that it is impossible to control them. Everyone has their own free will. We have to find what makes us happy and know that another person is not the key to happiness.

If I had only spent all those years working on myself, instead of worrying about others or trying to control them, I would be in a much better place right now. I am determined to work through these issues and come out the other side a much happier being for it………….

Today I Was Reminded…

I woke with my usual nagging pain that made me have to get out of bed. Like any other morning, I was feeling sorry for myself. One of the first things I do Is check my email. I had an email from my mother that was a story/joke and it was entitled Depressed? It made me realize I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and begin feeling grateful for what I do have. So I decided to share it with all of you.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.
He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his
despair, he decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all.

He started thinking, “What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with.”

He thought “There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.”

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, “Why are you so happy anyway?”

He said, “I’m NOT happy. My balls itch.”

This also reminded me that perception is everything. Adjusting our perception is an important tool to getting through life happier. Here I sit with my limbs all still intact. I have use of my arms and legs. Walking may be difficult, but I am still able to do it. There is always someone worse off than we are. There are many people in this world that live happily with far more challenging things.

Finding the positive in things is how we begin to see that life is worth living. I know I am guilty of getting wrapped up in my pain and depression so much that seeing anything positive is difficult. Sometimes I wonder if the negativity placed around me is there to teach me something. Maybe I am supposed to be learning how to find happiness in spite of all the negativity. I am trying to do just that. It is ok to have bad days or even hours. I know I do and I have learnt to not fight the feelings, but rather allow them to flow through me. It doesn’t feel good to be depressed or in a great deal of pain, but fighting it was causing me even more issues. Accepting that I am having a bad time and going to bed, has helped me come through each episode with less stress. I have noticed my depression spells seem to be shorter when I just allow them to occur without fighting them. This does not mean I do not have very difficult times, because I do. I just found it to be helpful to go with the flow of things.

I worked on a drawing yesterday, to occupy my mind away from things. I am happy to say that it did help. Drawing and focusing on what I was drawing, drew my attention away from my depression and some of the pain. Even if I find short spells of peace, they are always greatly appreciated! I have not spent time drawing in about two years. Usually I would find myself drawing during the winter months, much the same for crocheting. I have always gone through spells where I will be into one things and then something else. Drawing, coloring in coloring books and crocheting have always been winter things I do. I guess that is due to being in the house much more often. I am going to incorporate drawing to my daily activity list, even if it is just doodling.

Since I began daily writing in a journal again, I have noticed I am dealing with things a bit better as well. So, no matter how I feel I write in my journal. I have found that the morning time is the best time for me to do this. I seem to wake with thoughts going through my mind and getting them down on paper is easier then. Plus, if I have a dream, I can get it written down before I forget it. Being able to go way back and see the things I wrote has been interesting and a reminder of the issues I have not fully dealt with, as of yet. Funny, how we completely forget things, unless we have a journal to look back with.

We all have a beautiful light inside each of us and peace can be found within. Taking the time to find your light will help you achieve peace. Just a few minutes a day, deeply breathing and relaxing your body, will unlock the source of peace within you. I have been able to find peace, even if only for moments at a time, by relaxing my body and mind and just being still. Allowing my mind to become blank and visualizing a beautiful place where I can sit in a tree by a waterfall. I run through a field of wild flowers and I walk through the woods with awe of all the beauty nature has to offer. Sometimes, I walk along a quiet beach. I do all of this, in my mind while I am relaxed. My meditation and my place to find peace………….


Hump Day…

We received around two inches of snow after about a half inch of ice yesterday and over night. I was only able to sleep about six hours, but I did wake with a bunch of energy and I felt pretty good. After a couple of hours the depression lurked back in. I forced myself to get dress and go out in the snow, which is a rarity here, to attempt to make a snowman. I have always made a snow man when ever we have received snow here. I was very careful of where I stepped. Falling is a great fear of mine. My feet are dead and it is hard to walk. The snow wouldn’t pack on its own so you couldn’t roll it to make a snowman. I hand packed three small balls and made a very small snowman, but I could not finish him. My hands hurt so bad and were so frozen I had to go inside. I had thought getting out there would lift my mood, but all it has done is drag me farther down. Feeling sorry for myself, since I can’t seem to do any of the things I have always enjoyed.

The depression makes me want to sleep, yet I am so wide awake that sleep is impossible. It would be so much easier if I could just go to sleep and try again when I woke up, but no….. My spouse and son took my grandson down to to he neighbors house. I was, of course, left here by myself. They asked me to come down, but I was set on trying to make a snowman. How nice it would be for them to take the time to be with me and do something with me. There lies much of my problems mentally! I want them to want to be with me and do something with me and then when they don’t, which is always, I feel down for it. We can only control ourselves! We have to find a way to be happy being with just ourselves! I know this and yet my mind plays this game with me. Ugh! So here I find myself, as most days, alone and down and bored. Nothing sounds like fun and when I push myself to do something anyway, I end up feeling even more down for it. What a mess! I am so tired of the only option being laying in bed and finding something to watch on Netflix.

I am tired of the double standards too! How it’s fine and dandy for him to go out to the bar and shoot pool with a friend, but if I try to go out with a friend he becomes irate! I am so tired of feeling this way. I want to feel good and do things. A portion of myself does feel energetic, yet the mind is so covered in darkness that nothing is appealing and I feel I am just rotting away the days. Something new lately, I have been feeling quite feisty sexually, as I always used to feel. I want sex and I want him to grab me and ravish me, but that never happens. I wanted it so badly yesterday that I knocked him down and climbed on top of him. Somehow I rubbed the skin right off of my elbow and I had a hell of a time getting off. I am back to constantly thinking about sex and wishing I had someone who would actively come after me. Ravish me….. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I find one thing that is good in this life? Oh how I wish I could just sleep……………

Expecting Snow in the Deep South tonight….

We are expecting snow to start this afternoon with sleet and then snow all night. Expected amount of snow is 2-4 inches with about a 1/2″ of ice. Schools are closed today and tomorrow. We don’t have snow plows or salt trucks down here. We rarely ever see snow down here. This will be the first time my grandson sees snow, he is now 4 years old. Of course, everyone goes mad and buys out the stores when we are expecting snow or ice. I like seeing it for a day and playing in it to make a snowman when we do have it, but I am grateful that it is usually gone by the time the sun is up the next day!

Precipitation always effects my pain levels, so I am assuming the impending snow and sleet is the cause of my high pain levels today. There is also, constant negativity around here, which makes it difficult to keep positive thoughts. When the words that come out of some of the household members mouths are always negative and argumentive, it’s an uphill battle to find anything positive. Here I sit, hiding in my bedroom and praying I can find an ounce of positivity!

I discovered yesterday, that the numbness in my feet has spread further. My left foot and leg is now numb all the way up to my knee, which made it very difficult to walk. I fear how long I have before it does what it always does and spread to the right leg too. My house is small and compact which makes it impossible to get around in a wheel chair. I really do not want to be in a wheel chair again. Sad thoughts fill my mind today. I guess I need to accept that today is just a bad day and let it be. No need to fight the feelings, as this always makes life much more difficult. Instead, accept that it’s a bad day and allow myself to relax and do what ever it is my body wants to do. Usually that is laying In bed when it’s this bad. I feel a great deal of irritation and things spoke by others causes me to feel very snippy! Best to just stay away from everyone today.

Yes, the darkness of despair and depression are pressing down upon me. Such a negative place to be. I do not like it here, yet sometimes, I am unable to emerge from the dark and lonely place I find myself in. Chalk it up to a day of depression and a day that I need to rest. I must find something to eat and that is never a delight for me. No matter what I crave, I have only a few choices and I have to force myself to eat something so I do not go even further down the path of feeling ill. I know I need to eat more protein, because I usually end up craving meat every night.

Ok then, everything will be just fine. I am strong and resilient! I am allowed to feel down and for my body to rest. All is still ok! Snuggle up on bed with my fuzzy blanket and watch some movies. Nap if my body wants too. It is all ok. There is always tomorrow…

I have been Thinking……

Yes, I have been thinking and sometimes that brings a wave of the emotional roller-coaster. My thoughts have been to when I lived in Southern, Illinois. It is a farming community and I had my dream home there. It was quiet and I did not have neighbors close by. That I do miss greatly! Funny thing is, I think back to it all the time and miss it and hate that I had to leave. I was going through my old journals. I used to write every day in them and I did that for years. That is something I am going to start up again, because I forgot all the things that happened to me while I lived there. It was not until I read some of my journals that I was able to see why I did let myself leave there even though I had my dream home. If I had not been writing daily in a journal, I would still be thinking that place was all roses.

To my surprise I read how much turmoil I was in with my best friend. A best friend since age ten and she was the only person I knew there and the reason I chose to live there. I completely forgot all the horrible things I went through with her and how on three separate occasions in the five years I lived there, I shut the door on our friendship. The way she took sides with a drug addict when my daughter said she was touched Inappropriately. When she decided to divorce her husband and drag me in the middle of it all, shortly after my son died. I love her very much and I always will, but I had forgotten how bad things got. I could of fought and probably stayed in my dream home, but I chose to get out of there because of all the crap that was always going on. I have been remembering things all wrong, until I read my journals.

I began writing in journals back in 1993 or so and I did so until around 2007. So I picked up one of my many empty journals and began writing again today. I wonder how much I have been remembering differently than how it actually happened. Sometimes we need to be reminded of why we chose certain paths. Writing in a journal is a very therapeutic thing to do. You get out your feelings and you can look back on them to see where you were and how far you had come. I also saw how many of my current struggles were struggles back then too. I have not learned from those things if they are still occurring today. One thing is for sure, when you write in a journal, you don’t have to worry about loosing it if something happened to your computer and your online blog. If you do one thing for yourself, make it to write in a journal daily. Time goes by quickly and before you know it, a decade or more has passed. Maybe you were thinking about something that happened too you. If you write in a journal, you can go back and see exactly what it was and how you handled it. Plus, I found that when I made goals in my journal, I accomplished them…


Hit by the Boredom Bug today…

Lately, I have been just plain bored. With depression, it is often extremely difficult to find things you actually want to do. I went down my list of things, in which I wrote on a good day, to keep busy when bored. Not one thing on that list was something I wanted to do. I then went to the internet and searched things to do when you are bored. There, I also could not find a single thing I wanted to do. Ugh! Mental illness sure can make life difficult.

I finally picked up my wireless headphones and played my music while forcing myself to clean the very dirty bathroom. That task is done and I do feel accomplished since I did do something. Though, I still have that feeling of complete and utter boredom. So I put my headphones back on and let the music take me away from my reality.

What is up with the way my mind works? It is much like fighting a battle with myself. Depression definitely makes things more difficult than they need to be. So how do we get ourselves passed it all? We just have to keep pushing forward. Try as we can to keep busy so our mind does not wander back to the darkness. I had not listened to music in a very long time and I can tell you that music definitely helps lift my mood, but depending on what I listen too, it can also drag my mood farther down.

I have a list of things that can and need to be done around the house, but when I am in that dark place I just cannot seem to get myself to do any of those things. For me, depression comes in long spells. It hangs around for some time and then I get a few days or a week maybe that it is not so bad. Life has been a difficult journey dealing with depression and my journey has become extremely hard since the chronic pain has been added to my list of issues. Depression and anxiety and panic have been with me my entire life. That just proves to me that I was born with messed up wiring in my brain. I think we all are born with it. I often look at people that seem so happy and have so much energy and wonder why I couldn’t be that way too. To wake up with a smile on my face and have energy to get through everything in a day….. How fantastic that would be. Then again, I don’t know for sure that those people really do feel as happy as they look. I have known many people who pretend very well. I have never been one to pretend. I am what you see. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I don’t hide how I feel. I have always talked about anything that bothers me. That has always bothered my entire family. I am the youngest of five kids and none of them talk about their feelings or wear their emotions on their sleeve. I have always known how important it is to talk about things, yet no one else in my family can do that. I do believe I am still alive today because I talk about things and I don’t pretend to be something else.

It took me over thirty years to realize that living by time was causing most of my panic issues. It took me another two years to figure out how to live without time as much as possible. Things could be worse, I could still be having full blown panic attacks every single day of my life. I learned to remove time as much as possible and I avoid crowds. That’s what works for me. I tend to pick up on other peoples emotions and being around a lot of people has never been something I liked. Even as a kid I tried to stay away from groups and I have always only had one or two close friends. I don’t trust easily and for good reason. I do, however, always look for the good in people. My mother always asked me how I could take the one person no one liked and find the one thing that was good about them. Funny, how I can do that with others, yet I don’t do that with myself.

Everyone has gifts. Each and every one of you do! No one is exactly alike. We are all very special. Using your creativity aids in unleashing a better feeling about yourself. What ever it is, drawing, coloring, doodling, crafts, tricks, magic, hair, nails….. The list is endless. What ever it is that is your creativity, find it and use it often. It opens up your heart and fills you with purpose. A passion so to say. We all need a passion. We all have something in us that is special and unique! My wish is for everyone to find their passion…

Never Give Up…

No matter what happens, Never give up! We all have bad days, sometimes weeks at a time, but one thing I know for sure is it always passes at some point. I have felt the depths of despair and depression so deep I prayed for death. Struggling with chronic pain that is always a part of your life is very difficult. You have to find a way to accept that sometimes things are just going to suck. Every day, when I wake, I start new. I give it my all and sometimes, I end up back in bed. I have discovered that I Must live life one day at a time. If it is a good day, then that’s awesome! If it is a bad day, then I have to accept it and go where my body wants me to be. When I stop fighting the way I feel and I allow myself to rest or what ever I feel I need to do, the darkness lifts quicker than when I fight it. Though it truly does suck to be in the darkness, fighting it is only causing more chaos with in me.

Yesterday I set out to accomplish I few things. I put them on my schedule and I made myself tackle each one as the day wore on. First off, I had to clean the containers so I could make a new batch of my Healing Salve. Secondly, I had to make the Healing Salve. And lastly, I made lip balm. I felt very accomplished when I finished each task. I was reminded that keeping myself busy and creating something always made me feel good any myself. Yesterday was a good day for me. I wanted to continue on that path today and I had scheduled three things to accomplish for today. I did two of those things I had scheduled and the last one I have not tackled. I began to feel bad about not doing it and quickly the negative thoughts filled my mind. I had to stop myself and remind myself that it is ok to not do things. If I do not feel like doing them, then I don’t have too. After fighting with myself for a couple of hours and then finally realizing I was better off being happy for what I did accomplish, I finally simmered down and walked myself through my affirmations once again. Living life with chronic pain can be very difficult. You have to be sure not to schedule things for yourself that will wear you thin or use up too much of the little energy you do have. I always make sure the tasks I do schedule are small ones, but I had allowed myself to feel negative over not tackling the last task, when I needed to be joyful for the two I did tackle. Perception is everything. The happiest people in the world are not the ones who are rich, they are the ones that are content and joyous with what they already do have. I myself have been in the shoes of the very poor and the very well off. My happiness never was increased by the fact I had money. Finding it within ourselves to be grateful for what we already have, is how you become a content and happy person. This is difficult to do when you find yourself in the grip of despair and depression. That is why having Affirmations written down so you do not have to find the things to be grateful for, is so very helpful. It is easy to see all the good in our lives when we are having a good day, but it is near impossible to think of those things when the darkness surrounds us. So do yourself a favor, the next good day you have, write down all the wonderful things in your life and then when you are having a bad day, say that list out loud!

Be gentle with yourself! We often don’t treat ourselves as well as we would our best friend. We need to treat ourselves as we are our best friend. Being kind to ourself needs to be the number one thing we all do. What would you say to your best friend if she was feeling down? You would be there for her and tell her how much you love her and care for her. We are never really alone, for we always have ourselves to comfort us. I do believe that if we would just be kind to ourselves and talk to ourselves as if we were the best friend we ever had, we would find life a much more wonderful place to be. Think of what you would tell your best friend while she was going through depression. Write it down and pull that paper out when you are in your darkest of times. My biggest problem has always been feeling like I was completely alone. Once you allow the negative thoughts to take up space in your mind, they multiply quicker than you can snap your fingers. Instead of looking to others for the compassion and love that we would give and we want to receive, off it to yourself! In the end, we only truly do have ourselves. There is no better time than right now to start treating yourself like the beautiful and loving being that you are! Hey, I accomplished two tasks today and I think I deserve a cookie for that. Lucky for me, I made some cookies last night………….