Beautiful weather today, but pain is intense…

Today has been absolutely gorgeous! 77 degrees with a nice breeze. I just love the Fall and temperatures in the 70’s, but for some reason my pain goes through the roof at the same time. I still have the A/C on because it’s going to be 90 again in the next couple of days and it gets a bit to warm in the late afternoon which heats the house up too much. However, the issue is the fact that every year my pain gets so bad in Fall that I end up in a wheel chair. This does not make sense to me. The beautiful weather should help keep my pain to a minimum. It’s not rainy or cloudy out so it has nothing to do with that. The pressure is good. For the last few years my pain has been so bad that I have been in a wheelchair for Halloween. I do not want to go through that again this year. I just wish I understood the correlation between fall and my pain. I am in the south and it’s so nice, weather wise in the Fall. I could see my pain increasing due to it being cold or hot outside. So what is it?

As I sit here typing this my left hip is robbing in deep pain. My lower back and tailbone feel like they are crushing into me. A deep in the bone pain, much like a ice cream headache, is flowing down my left leg. I wish I could make this hell just go away!

I love Halloween! Every year we decorate the back porch and set up a scary walk down our driveway onto the back porch where the kids get their candy. Every prop I have I made myself. I have always loved doing this and after my son died, I did Not do Halloween for several years. Each year people say how they appreciate our efforts in creating a haunted walk, because no one does it anymore. So many kids cannot go to a haunted house, because it costs $20 or more to get into one here. I have always liked to make it special and scary. I remember being a kid and there was always a scary haunted house, no matter where I lived. It takes two months of a little bit here and a little bit there to make it all happen. Just being able to get candy to pass out has to be done in very small amounts over a very long time. Yet, we always do all we can. Then I became ill and had the chronic pain over come my life. Three years now. If not for the others here, I would not be able to do a single thing for Halloween. I am grateful for the fact we can still make it a special day.

I have lost so many things I love in life because of this pain. There has to be a way to make my life a more enjoyable one. I go to my appointments and I do everything the doctors tell me to do. But they have not tried to correct anything. They insisted on a dozen injections that never helped and since then they just see me every two months and they do not seem to even care or hear what I am telling them. I know there are other therapies out there to try. How do you get your doctor to try them? I have begged for the spinal cord stimulator in hopes I could just not feel all this pain anymore, but they refused to do it. I want a real shot at a decent and enjoyable life! Everyone deserves that…

Back in my twenties…

I was thinking today about back when I was in my twenties and younger. I remembered that I could not take a shower unless someone else was home. Even if I locked the doors. When I had tried to do that, I would be over come with fear and I would hear things and think I felt someone in the room or even saw shadows. Fear does crazy stuff. In my twenties I was married and had three children, but I could not take a shower if no one was home. Same was true for my teen years. In my teen years I was scared if I was home alone at night. I don’t know if that is normal for a teenager or not. Even as a child I always had big fears, mostly of things that just could not of been real. I would see a hand trying to get me everywhere I went.

In my forties now and even in my thirties, I did have a problem showering home alone. What was different you ask! Well, my son died when he was 16 and that grief and depression overshadowed any fear I had. I no longer feared death, I even welcomed it. And since then, I have been on medication!

Strange how every day something from my past pops back up into my mind. I ponder it for a while and try to figure out why it happened.

On an off note, I have been in horrible pain in my neck, shoulders, low back, both hips, left leg, left knee and left and right foot! I just can’t seem to find a comfortable way to sleep. It hurts so bad in so many places. It is like I need to sleep on a fluffy pillow to lessen the touch to my painful areas. I am going to try laying on top of my winter fluffy comforter tonight and see if that helps at all. I hate getting up every few hours to move around and stop the pain with medication, then go back to bed only to repeat it for most of the night and day!