The pain is still very much there and it one of its worse I have had in a while. I just had come to the point that I was too overwhelmed with it to deal stably! It seems I will be spending today in my bed. I except it now. I have my heat packs that I made and I will continue to heat them and press them to me while laying on my right side, since that is the only way I can lay down.
I think anyone with chronic and severe pain has times where they just cannot take it anymore. Even with years of DBT classes and years of grief, depression and panic sessions, one will find times they just cannot take the pain any longer. I used to get suicidal often due to this, but now it doesn’t go that far for me often. It was bad enough to have to deal with my grief over my sons death, panic & anxiety along with severe depression. Now I have severe chronic pain on top of it all! For the last three plus years I have had to deal with this pain and it just keeps getting worse. At least with the medications I am finally on I am able to walk and not bound to a wheel chair!
My entire life I have had panic, anxiety and depression. All they way back to childhood. I can remember back to age four. But in 1995 the panic became severe panic attacks out of what seemed like no where. I was working for a man, at that time, that sat in his truck every morning and carried on a conversation with Jesus. He would lock me in my office, place his hands on me and tell me how Jesus was going to come kill me. I, being a very strong willed person, never thought something like that would actually effect me. But it did! I became sick feeling all the time, then the panic attacks out of no where for no reason. I would drive my three kids to daycare and suddenly be unable to breathe or feel my limbs and my heart would race out of my chest. I collapsed once dropping them off. I started not being able to go to work and then I found my self so sick and full of fear that I was staring out the window of my home terrified someone was coming to kill me. My best friend growing up said she couldn’t believe it was even me. I was trapped in my home and unable to leave, if I tried the panic would shut my body down, even to the point I couldn’t move and would be paralyzed in a stiffened state. I was rushed to the ER once when this happened. My body curled in and locked in place stiff and I couldn’t move. My lips were pucker out and my mind was trapped inside terrified. I felt I was dying and no one cared. They placed me in a room by myself and shut the door. Finally, they came and took me to a CT scan to check my brain. Then they gave me a shot in my butt of something to relax me. I felt like my entire body melted. The doctor said they found nothing and she felt it was panic attacks and I needed to see a psychiatrist. So I did. I was never one for taking any medication except for ibuprofen during a migraine. They gave my Xanax and I refuse to take it for months. Just going to the monthly appointment was pure hell. I couldn’t be left alone as the fear would ravage my entire being and the panic would crush me. If no one was home I would go to work with my father and lay in his office floor, if he wasn’t available I would go to my friends house and lay in her spare room bed with the door open where I could hear and see her. I felt so ill 24/7 I knew I was just dying! Finally, I gave in and took a Xanax, I felt better after 20 minutes. Not great, but better. Less ill and stopped the severe panic attacks from making me paralyzed. I then spent another six months teaching myself to meditate and placing a trigger word, RELAX, in my mind while I was in deep relaxed meditation. It took six month of that practice daily to pull me out of feeling so ill and panic all the time. I felt like I could try to go see a movie with my husband and kids. I took a Xanax and made it there, into the theater and sat waiting for it to start. Just a few minutes into the movie my panic took over, I couldn’t breathe and I lost the feeling in my limbs. I went to the bathroom, where I couldn’t pull myself together at all. My husband finally came looking for me and took me home. I felt ok at home but I could not drive at all or go anywhere that required me to be there more than a few minutes. I could do the grocery store for a quick trip, but if there was a line I would have to leave. Another two months of my daily meditation and taking the Xanax as prescribed four times a day and I finally got back to almost my normal self. It was like it all suddenly went away, as quickly as it had started. A total of eight months I had spent trapped in my house and the 24/7 feeling deathly ill with full blown panic attacks that paralyzed me.
Everything went fine for a while! Then in 1997, two years after the first time the panic took over, it all happened again! I had stopped doing the daily meditation and taking the Xanax after I was back to myself. I immediately began the meditation again. I was overcome with the feeling of being deathly ill 24/7 again and had major panic attacks out of no where. I couldn’t leave my home again. I could be home alone this time, but I couldn’t go anywhere. It last six months, then stopped again. Then in 1999, wham it was back all over again. This continued for six month again, then stopped and returned in two years again in 2001! In 2001 I requested the doctor put me on Paxil since that was approved to help panic attacks at that time. I stood in my kitchen for two hours trying to make myself swallow that first pill. I always refused medication and I feared what it would do to me. I have never like feeling high or any type of off in my head. The Paxil worked after a week and I was able to have better control, but still had horrible panic attacks out of no where for six months. I stayed on the Paxil though. I took Xanax when ever I felt the panic attacks beginning so I wouldn’t end up paralyzed. I would lay down in bed where I felt safe and wait for it to stop.
Then in 2003, my teenage (16 1/2)son died in a car accident. The driver lived and his friend also died as well. Of course, the driver only had her license for two weeks and was driving too late at night an breaking the rules in Georgia of having others in the car with her that were not family members. She was driving way too fast, just before midnight and it was lightly raining. They were on a curvy country type of road. She lost control and slid the length of a football field and slammed into a tree, then the car swung up hill, then down the hill and around, settling in a wooded area. My son was unconscious and so was his friend in the back seat. The driver got out and waved a car down to call 911. I heard the 911 tape a year later. She was terrified and didn’t want to wait for the fire department or ambulance to get them out. Turns out the car was on fire and suddenly was engulfed in flames. So my son and his friend died by being burned to death. The autopsy showed that my son had no other injuries, but his friends showed he had many. From a busted spleen to broken bones. I will never forget the call I received at 2 in the morning. They died just before midnight on June 7 2003, but the coroner didn’t arrive until after midnight so their death date is June 8, 2003. Strangely enough, just before midnight that night, I was in the ER with a friend who was having an allergic reaction. I had looked at the clock then and something told me the time was important. When I received the call about his death, I knew why!
I could go on for a long time of all the horrible things I have endured, but I will spare you for now.
my son who died in the car accident!