I keep forgetting that TIME causes stress. Living life as much as possible without time, reduces stress for me. When you feel tired, it doesn’t matter what time it is, go to bed. It took me years to figure out how to live without time unless I had appointments and sometimes, like now, I forget that time doesn’t matter.
I have been feeling very tired lately and some days I have gone to bed early, like at 5pm. It is what it is. I have days where I feel ill, like when you get the flu and the only thing I can do is go to bed and sleep. At least I am able to sleep, I am very thankful for that! I don’t know why this happens to me. Ever since I almost died last year and had two major surgeries, the last one to save my life, I get ill feeling and very tired often. When I have a decent day, I try to get some things done around the house. I never know how many days I will be down. Living with chronic pain is no fun at all. If that wasn’t bad enough, add the exhaust and ill feeling crap on top of it now. I tell the doctors, they never seem to care. The only thing I can do is go with the flow.
As I sit here, the pain in my let hip is extremely bad. Feels like I am being repeatedly stabbed in it. The only thing I can do is lay down off that side and be still, that is the least amount of pain for me. I often feel like I waste day after day. Sometimes I say to myself, “I am NOT living at all!” Now I also deal with pain in the giant incision they had to make in my abdomen to save my life. It feels like a pinching cramping like sensation. Wonderful!
Stress makes it all so much worse too. Worried to death on how to pay my electric bill. Not able to do anything to even try to make money. Nothing left to eat in the house but rice. I try not to dwell on it, since that brings the depression out even more. I try just to survive and hope that one day things will actually be better. I have found myself full of all kinds of emotions, but unable to identify them. Guys that are interested in me ask me out and I have NO desire to even deal with them at all! I don’t know what has happened to me. It is like the almost dying, the horrendous pain of the surgery that saved me and then my husband abandoning me has all changed me to something I don’t even like. I have NO trust left in me. I can’t seem to stir up any emotion at all in regards to a love. I feel so much, yet nothing at all. I want to stop struggling just to survive. Nothing seems to function right in my body anymore. I have woke three times over the last two months wetting the bed, when I never wet the bed since I was potty trained. I have stabbing pain in my very low abdomen which the doctor says is scar tissue. Who knows for sure anymore. I am frustrated and tired of everything………….