Time…

I keep forgetting that TIME causes stress.  Living life as much as possible without time, reduces stress for me.  When you feel tired, it doesn’t matter what time it is, go to bed.  It took me years to figure out how to live without time unless I had appointments and sometimes, like now, I forget that time doesn’t matter.  

I have been feeling very tired lately and some days I have gone to bed early, like at 5pm.  It is what it is.  I have days where I feel ill, like when you get the flu and the only thing I can do is go to bed and sleep.  At least I am able to sleep, I am very thankful for that!  I don’t know why this happens to me.  Ever since I almost died last year and had two major surgeries, the last one to save my life, I get ill feeling and very tired often.  When I have a decent day, I try to get some things done around the house.  I never know how many days I will be down.  Living with chronic pain is no fun at all.  If that wasn’t bad enough, add the exhaust and ill feeling crap on top of it now.  I tell the doctors, they never seem to care.  The only thing I can do is go with the flow.

As I sit here, the pain in my let hip is extremely bad.  Feels like I am being repeatedly stabbed in it.  The only thing I can do is lay down off that side and be still, that is the least amount of pain for me.  I often feel like I waste day after day.  Sometimes I say to myself, “I am NOT living at all!”  Now I also deal with pain in the giant incision they had to make in my abdomen to save my life.  It feels like a pinching cramping like sensation.  Wonderful!

Stress makes it all so much worse too.  Worried to death on how to pay my electric bill.  Not able to do anything to even try to make money.  Nothing left to eat in the house but rice.  I try not to dwell on it, since that brings the depression out even more.  I try just to survive and hope that one day things will actually be better.  I have found myself full of all kinds of emotions, but unable to identify them.  Guys that are interested in me ask me out and I have NO desire to even deal with them at all!  I don’t know what has happened to me.  It is like the almost dying, the horrendous pain of the surgery that saved me and then my husband abandoning me has all changed me to something I don’t even like.  I have NO trust left in me.  I can’t seem to stir up any emotion at all in regards to a love.  I feel so much, yet nothing at all.  I want to stop struggling just to survive.  Nothing seems to function right in my body anymore.  I have woke three times over the last two months wetting the bed, when I never wet the bed since I was potty trained.  I have stabbing pain in my very low abdomen which the doctor says is scar tissue.  Who knows for sure anymore.  I am frustrated and tired of everything………….

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Emotions Unidentifiable …

Twice a year I clean out the cabinet where all the memories of my deceased son lives.  A few things I put together in remembrance of him.  It is emotional every time I clean this cabinet out.  It has been over 12 years and I still have so much inside of me.  Numerous doctors have stated that I have not dealt with my son’s death.  I asked them all, Then how do I deal with it?  They offer up things like, except that he is gone.  I have excepted that.  Sort through your emotions, I have done this so many times.  Go through each of the stages of Grief, Ha… I have done that as well.  I have also read tons of books.  How does one get over the death of their child?

I have been full of all kinds of emotions, yet I am not sure what I am actually feeling.  I met a real nice man, but I just don’t want any kind of relationship and for some reason men always want a damn relationship with me.  I want some good friends and then see what happens.  I really need to identify these emotions and work on them.

I have been non stop busy since I returned home from seeing my family in northern Illinois.  I kicked my daughter out almost a month ago, been home about ten days and every day I am cleaning and organizing another area of the house.  To get it back to good shape.  She destroyed so much.  I still have another ten days worth of cleaning to be done.  Since I can only tackle on decent size thing or two small things a day, due to the chronic pain.  It is getting there though.  It is finally peaceful in my home!  I miss my grandson though.  He went to live with his father before I returned from my trip.  He is safe and happy there, but he has been with me since he was born!  So many emotions!

All I can do is try to keep myself busy until it is all done, then get back to going to the gym three times a week.  I have been in a pain flare the last four days as well!  The gym helps me keep loose and build muscles to support the pain areas.  I have not been in two months………….