When it Becomes too Much…

I am tired of barely surviving.  Tired of the enormous amount of pain I have to deal with every day of my life.  I have tried so many different things seeking something to help me.  Unfortunately, when you don’t have any money, there is not much you can do.  I was able to try Wild Lettuce and it did nothing for my pain.

I know that I have to make a change and soon, or it will be too late.  I can feel it deep inside of me.  I have stayed here as long as I could, but this is no life at all.  Struggling to get by and survive.  As if the chronic pain wasn’t bad enough.  

I am going to have several blocks done on my lower back at the end of this month.  If they help at all, then I will have ablationS done to burn off the nerves, though they will eventually grow back.  Fingers crossed.

Mid December I am going to my parents in Florida for three weeks.  I honestly feel like I don’t want to even bother coming back here.  To the same old crap and struggle.  Maybe I won’t.  Maybe I need to just stay there and be done with everything here, because if I don’t I doubt I will still be alive this time next year…

It Never Ends…

Now my secondary insurance is saying I do not have full coverage.  So, I still cannot be seen by a psychiatrist because I am poor.  Which is it then?  First they said they don’t cover adults for mental health and now it is that I do not have full coverage.   I pray my general doctor will do the letter that my pain doctor needs and continue to prescribe my panic medication…

On top of that, the CDC has issued new rules on Opioid medication.  They do not want anyone to have opioid medication, even the chronic pain community.  Many have already had their meds reduced or completely taken away, leaving them in horrendous pain.  The CDC says this is to combat the overdose deaths, but those are actually happening with addicts and heroin.  They categorize heroin in with all prescribed opioids.  A hospital in Boston has already stopped giving opioid medication after surgery!  WTF!  Can you imagine not getting any form of help with the excruciating pain?  People with chronic pain conditions are being left, dropped by doctors.  Unable to work anymore due to this and many have killed themselves.  With NO hope of obtaining any form of relief from never ending pain, that seems to be the only option left.  There will be a huge increase in suicides as this progresses on.  Just do a search for “opioid epidemic or CDC opioids” you will see for yourself what I am referring to.  Doctors never give enough medication to really cover the pain as it is…

This year has been extremely difficult for me.  My pain is worse and spread to other areas.  My panic disorder has been very troublesome.  I am having to use a cane most of the time.  If I never had to stand, walk or bend; I would have less pain.  But, my wheelchair doesn’t fit in the doorways inside my house.  I need a power chair that will fit.  Hell, I need a lot of things, but no money to obtain them.  I need one of those small circle shower chairs and something to holed my shower head lower.  Showering is so painful, that I have not done it in 9 days now.  Yeah I know-Gross, but I do give myself a sponge bath daily.  Though, my hair need to be cleaned…

For me, even sitting has become painful.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  I already have to bring a thick foam cushion to sit on everywhere I go.  I feel like my entire back side of the pelvic bone plus both hips are being crushed inward.  The pain engulfs my butt cheeks as well, then it goes down my left leg (feels like a brain freeze after eating something frozen fast) and both my feet constantly feel like they are being crushed – but the outside area is completely numb.  The left side of my neck has never stopped hurting since I was beat.  I now have a lot of weakness in my left leg too.  I am unable to do much of anything and what I do get done is always from a padded chair on wheels.  I had to choose between toilet paper or toothpaste this month.  I only have a small amount of money to buy things I need every month and always having to choose between things I NEED!!!

My parents came up here from Florida and took me on their trip to Northern ILLINOIS to see my brother & sister and their families.  I am so grateful I got to see them all, since I know it will be the last time I get too.  I thought laying down in the back seat would help keep my pain lower, but it did not.  Most of the trip I was in tremendous pain.  The trip is normally 15-16 hours if you drive straight there, but my parents needed to stop driving by 4pm every day, so we stopped over at hotels twice to get there.  On the way back home, we stopped over night once.  I did get to see my grandson for an hour, which was very nice.  We left here on the 18th and returned here on the 26th.  

The neighbor gave us a gas oven, since mine hasn’t worked in two years, but it is missing the power cord and my father said it looked bad at the connection.  So, we continue on without an oven.  Story of my life, disappointed after disappointment………….

Chronic Pain…

Since 2010, I have been in constant pain.  Not just one area, but multiple areas.  Sometimes the pain is tolerable, but still always there.  Most of the time the pain is bad and occasionally it is so bad I can’t stand it anymore.  Any form of bending over jacks my pain up enormously!  So what, do I just sit back or lay down my entire life?  I can’t do that…

I spend 4 hours most days trying to get the basic chores done.  I do one little thing, then I have to sit on pillows for a while, then I do another little thing and so on.  In this window of time, I try my hardest to just clean up my little kitchen, wipe down surfaces and vacuum the small area that I sit in.  Four hours!  I have discovered that I feel better mentally when things are in there place and all is clean.  So day after day, on a repeat cycle, I push myself through pain and do a little thing at a time, just to have a better mental being and to get some movemnet daily.  Then I sit back in a big chair filled with pillows until I am able to go to sleep.  Mind you, the first four hours I am awake, I am unable to do anything.  So 4 hours of trying to get where I can move around, then 4 hours of tidying up with tons of breaks and around 7 hours of waiting to sleep.  This is my life…

The days I have appointments, I am unable to do anything other than try to not have a full blown panic attack, go to the appointment and get back home.  My Panic and Anxiety disorders greatly increase my pain, because my body tenses up and that causes it all to go crazy.  I have suffered with panic and anxiety for 22 years now.  Yes, this is my life…

I have no desire to be with another, yet occasionally I feel pretty lonely.  I have gained weight, stopped wearing makeup and let my hair grow out just so I am not bothered by men.  I have been through hell and back too many times to count.  I am basically just waiting to die.  No socialization, I don’t even want to be around people, but I do miss having a close friend here.  Day after day, all the same…

What really pisses me off is how those of us who are poor cannot get adequate relief.  We are ignored simply because we cannot pay.  There are so many things that could help me, yet I have no way to get those things.  Just trying to survive on a very small fixed income with a mortgage.  I no longer even have a vehicle.  I get $200 a month to buy food with.  The cheapest things are not good for you.  Just being able to afford to eat healthy would help.  So here I remain, on the repeat cycle and isolated from everything…

Struggling with ???’s…

Every year my pain gets worse and spreads.  The doctors say my nerves are permanently damaged and there is nothing they can do for me, other than the pain meds I currently take.  These meds do help some with the pain, but they do not stop it from getting worse or spreading.  Every single thing I do, requires great effort and uses up what energy I do have!

I have struggled my entire life with depression.  I have been on medications that make it worse and cause suicidal thoughts.  Of course, I stopped those meds!  Now I am battling a depression that just won’t ease up.  Most of it is due to the pain.  Everytime I have to stand on my feet or walk, even just to the bathroom, it is horrible!  I try so hard every single day, to occupy my mind and not let the depression suck me completely down, which wears me out quickly…

One of my nieces came for four days to visit me, from last Thursday until this Monday.  It was very nice to see her.  She is the only one, in my entire family, that has ever come here and she has been here twice!  That just adds to the depressed thoughts.  I have always been there for everyone in my family, yet they are not here for me!  

Do I really want to spend another year or years with the pain getting even worse?  I am disabled and try to survive on $810 a month and I have a mortgage.  The only food I can get is with the $107 in Foodstamps I get, for the entire month!  I am tired of trying to find things to eat, which are always not good for you.  The cheapest food is not healthy food!  I feel the best when I eat only naturally occurring foods.  I tried to grow them, but I can’t afford the additive to the ground or anything to treat the disease that keeps killing them off.  They do great half way through, then always die or are eaten by pests…

Why have I been married three times and the last two husbands had to cheat then leave me?  I never once said no to sex, yet they would tell me no…  One was for 16 years and the last one was for 8 years…  I have come to a place, either from being burned so much by men or because of the hysterectomy in 2014, that I do NOT want to even tolerate another man.  I do not try to date or find someone.  I did for a few month over a year ago, but that is when I found I just can’t trust or stand another man…

Now my gas oven no longer works and I can’t afford to fix it or get another one.  The microwave quit a while ago.  The fridge goes out occasionally right now.  My coffee maker quit working yesterday!  I have nothing to get another with…

I am only here in this house and not living with my parents, so my son has a roof over his head.  He is insulin dependent and resistant.  He can’t work, when he has tried he gets extremely ill.  I already lost my oldest son to a car accident, my daughter is a drug addict and I will loose my youngest too.  My daughter is only allowed to stop by to see me with prior approval and can only stay up to two hours, because she is strung out so bad!  I had to let my grandson, which I raised from birth to age five, go live with his father last year!  Which is far away…

So, why do I continue to stay here on earth and deal with all of this hell?  Things continue to get worse and will…  I have been through so much, I should write a book.   I know people who have killed themselves after going through one of the things I have been though.  I am told I am strong, because I am still here!  In reality, I am here, because I am to scared to die…  That is NOT strong!  So, I am questioning a lot of things now.  Why do I continue to torture myself?………….

So Tired of the Stress…

I had to kick my daughter out again, for the absolute final time.  She has been on drugs and refuses to follow any rules.  She is snorting some sort of pills and is a psychotic mess.  I have called her probation officer and asked them to please drug test her.  She is on probation for beati me in my head while I was driving.  There is supposed to be NO violence, but she has had plenty of violence and nothing is being done about it.  Thankfully she left her son at my house.  That poor kid has been through so damn much.

Now I am stressed out trying to find a way to cover the two bills she was paying instead of paying me rent.  I want to end my constant misery, yet I have begged everyone and anyone for help, to no avail.  When will I just finally give up and stop living in his hell?

I just need the two bills covered for this month.  All the things I have done for people all my life, but no one is there when I need help.  To step so low as I have to beg for help and still be ignored.  Everyone says I am so beautiful and my smile lights up the room.  Yet, I am so depressed and full of fear inside.  A part of me hopes there is something more for me in this life.  I have been through so damn much and I am getting too damn old to be starting over again………….

I broke down and set up an account with Go Fund Me in hopes some people will donate so I can pay the bills.  I shared it on my Facebook and I also included the link below.  It feels so low inside of me.  To get to the point that I have to beg for help form someone.  I thought my family would help me, but they all say they have no money to give.  My parents are struggling to live on retirement now.  That’s what they tell me anyway.  Makes me wonder how they would feel if I blew my brains out.  Would they think, gee, I wish I would of helped her when I had the chance…

Go Fund Me Website is… Gofundme.com/LaurieMorris

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WOW, Emotional Hell…

I have been dealing with some major depression lately. Two months of feelings of abandonment then I also feel glad to be alone too. The biggest thing for me to deal with, is financial!

I started on a low dose estrogen last night. Since the surgeries took everything out of me, we are hoping the major deep depression is due to no more hormones. Only time will tell. Every single day, when the sun starts to go down, I become severely depressed. Not one day have I not had to deal with this. I also get crazy full body hot flashes through out the day, they do not seem to last very long but they are getting more and more common.

My Ex is still trying to get me to have sex with him. Why? I don’t get it! He has begun to receive his karma. Someone slammed into the back bumper of his precious truck while it was parked in a parking lot and he broke his toe. This is just the beginning. He expects me to type up his letter for him to the IRS. I am such a nice and loving person that I agree to things before I even realize it. So now he will be back by today. He stopped by yesterday and asked me for a kiss. Really!?! Every single person asks me why the hell I was ever with him. He is unattractive and a jerk and no one likes him. I guess I was supposed to teach him things, that’s all I can come up with. There is also the fact that he came along right when I had planned to end my life, so maybe it was to keep me alive. That was 8 years ago and I had the where, when and how all set! I could of used not to have the pain and torture of the 7 years we were married though!

It seems if I were the type of person that could just have casual sex, I could do that on a daily basis, but that is NOT me! Casual sex sucks. I always have to spend time teaching the guy I am with how to do it right! Plus sex without a connection is worthless to me. I feel more confident since I have so many guys tell me I am beautiful, but I still just want that one man that makes me his entire world and never stops. I deserve that and I will find that! It does get disappointing when you find out that everyone seems to only care about sex even when they are in their 50’s! I want the soul connection…

I have been talking to a guy that lives a long way away from me, but I feel a connection with him. I feel like, if we were to meet in person my soul would be over joyed! He is open and communicates well. That being the one thing that I have never been able to find in a man! I am beginning to think he may be the one I have searched for my entire life. So, until the day we meet, I will enjoy our little conversations.

Every night, when the sun begins to set, I feel so badly that I just want to go to bed, because when I wake in the morning, I feel pretty good. Then I repeat this every single day of this dreaded life………….

Day 5, Accepting Bad Days…

I went to the pool yesterday and I was shocked to discover that I had a very difficult time just walking slowly back and forth in the water. I wobbled and fell. I began to feel frustrated, but I continued to do it several times and then laid out in the sun for a short spell. As usual, I felt ok for a few hours and then shortly after dinner I was becoming more and more uncomfortable. My pain was increasing as each minute passed. I finally decided it was time for me to go lay in bed where I would be more comfortable at 8:30 pm.

I woke later than I have been today. My entire stay I have been up by 7:30am and today it was after 8:00am. My pain levels are high and I am sure it is due to the walking I did while in the pool. I always seem to pay for it later on. I have to accept that today is just going to be a bad day and resign to the fact that I will have to lay down often. There is no sense in fighting it, as that will only cause more stress within me.

We have to accept that we will have bad days and allow ourselves to go with what our bodies want us to do. There is nothing wrong with that. So, I am going to take my medication and go back to bed. I will start off with a relaxing meditation and then allow my self to sleep if that is what my body needs. I am going to look at this differently. Instead of it being a bad day, I am choosing for it to be a much needed day of relaxation………….

Another appointment, another day lost…

I saw my psychiatrist today for a medication check. I have been pretty depressed for over three weeks now. This depression is much different than any I have had before and I have had depression my entire life. I want to be alone all the time, due to the fact that hearing anyone speak irritates me. I am a flat line hovering right above the deepest depression I have ever felt. Other than anger, irritation and exhaustion, I do not feel any other emotion. The only thing they did was lower my prescription for Effexor a bit. Seems like such a waste of time, stress, money I don’t have and added pain. Just going to a doctors appointment is a 48 hour issue for me. The day before my appointment, I become agitated at the fact I have to leave my house. That increases the pain as well… As I scream and cry and just can’t take anymore! I dealt with a major panic attack last night and then had trouble sleeping on top of already being unable to sleep much due to the pain. I get so much anxiety that it is hard to sleep when I know I HAVE to go somewhere the next day! I absolutely have to have a solid two hours before I am required to leave the house for anything. It takes that long for me to get moving and able to get myself dressed. I have to be driven to every thing I go to, because I don’t drive due to the pain, panic and medications. Every single bump in the road sent me screaming in so much stabbing, crushing and down right horrible pain. Then to sit and wait to be called back has all kind of anxiety and panic with it, along with the fact that sitting hurts so darn bad! I really need to bring a big fluffy pillow with me when ever I go somewhere that I have to sit! Then waking back to the office, the nurse or doctor always leaves me, because I cannot walk fast. By the time I get in the office or room I am so hot and in so much pain, plus let’s not forget the anxiety of it all too! Then I spend 15 minutes telling them the issue at hand, then I wait another 10 minutes while they go talk to the head shrink, who then comes back in the room with them and tells me that they are just going to try to lower a medication that I am on for depression. What? Another waste of time, money, pain, etc….. Then after I return home from the appointment I get to spend the rest of my day with increased agitation and anxiety, which increases the pain I already cannot take. Viscous cycle…. I have had all I can take of this constant severe pain. I see the Pain doctor next week. I just want to get to that appointment and I pray they do something to help with the level of pain I am having constantly. It seems like nothing is helping at all. It must be time to change the medications. I was able to, at the least, get a break from the sharpness of the pain after each pain medication dose, which would usually last 3 hours, but I had to wait six hours to take another dose. Now, I am not getting any relief what so ever and I am wondering how the heck I am going to make it another 7 days before I see that doctor! I wish I could just sleep until then. Sleep, where I am not in pain or anxiety or depressed!

Dealing with this chronic pain has taken so much away from me. I have increasingly become more and more disabled with less ability to function and just too much pain to handle. I need a break. I HAVE to have a break. Something needs to give me a break from this unrelenting pain. I can’t sleep much, because of the pain. The minutes go by so slowly, while you are consumed in so much pain. I am swinging from a strand at the end of my rope……..

As I scream for help
Encased in a body riddled in pain
Endless suffering…
Made even worse by the rain

As time slowly moves on
Torture consumes me
No break from the Darkness
I need to be set free

As life as I know it
Becomes so very depressing
I can no longer take it
I find myself confessing

As painful as it has become
No answers are in sight
The future looks bleak
I just don’t think I can continue to fight……

12/10/13 L.M.

A poem I just wrote to reflect what I am feeling and going through. There is NO position that is comfortable! I need a fluffy cloud to suspend me and cradle my body to ease the pain. When I can’t even escape by going to sleep, because sleep will not come when you are being tortured in pain! I hope you all are able to be pain free or, at the least, low pain today. I send out to you all my love and understanding of a life that is so very difficult to live. I am always here if anyone needs to talk. I appreciate so very much the time you all take to read my posts and the comments that you give to me. Until next time……..

Struggling………….

I have been struggling the last couple of days. I have had to go back to bed every morning because I cannot get a handle on my pain. New pain in new areas too. Stabbing, hot lightning bolts in my toes and feet. Throbbing aching in my knee. Muscles seizing up in my feet and legs. Hips crushing upon me. Burning deep knifelike pains in my tailbone. The hard penetrating pain in my low back. The never ending deep aching and crushing pain in my neck. It would be easier to list what does NOT hurt me…

I really feel like I can NOT continue on this way. I cannot and have not in a long time, been able exercise or move about much at all and yet I keep loosing weight. Not complaining, since it did need to loose some weight, yet it worries me how it is happening. I have been unable to occupy my mind on other things, due to the intensity of the pain. My mind feels like it is going mad, on a crazy ride where I fear I may never return. Pain does that, you know! When you cannot catch a break from it. My daughter has even told me how she feels very worried about me, because she saw my recent picture and noticed the amount of weight I have dropped. I wonder why it doesn’t seem to concern my doctor at all. Isn’t that a significant sign of ‘something’ being seriously wrong? I have not weighed this low since the birth of my first child 27 years ago. I am pretty comfortable with my weight as it is right now. Another ten pounds would put me right at normal weight. I have Not built any muscle mass, because I cannot exercise. So I have really skinny legs and a pouch of extra skin at my abdomen. When my own mother told me I was skinny, that shocked me! She insists that if I had cancer they would have discovered it by now or I would already be dead from it, due to the level of pain I am in. I have NO clothes that actually fit me. Everything just hangs off of me by the straps at the shoulders. Just four months ago I fit fine in my older clothes from loosing weight back in 2006. It just seems so quickly that I reduced so much in size. I am pretty sure the neighbors are convinced I am on some kind of drugs.

So, I just don’t really know what to do next. I see my actual PM doctor in December instead of his PA, because I insisted on it. What should I be bringing to his attention besides the weight loss and increase in pain? I’m miserable more often than not and mentally I feel over run. How can anyone deal with this amount of pain and in so many areas, without a break? It has to take you mentally over an edge. It is rare that I smile or can even not be miserable. I hate that. I don’t want to drag anyone down with my negativity that emanates from me, because I am consumed in too much pain. I will have 10 minutes, if even, to get my doctors attention. What do I need to say? It is taking everything I have to just try to make it each moment to the next. I have tried so many searches in what is the cause of it all. I cannot pin point it. Severe pain that seems to be spreading through my body over time. Muscle cramps that wrench my feet and toes up. I do soft stretches every single day. I have circulation in my feet and toes even though I cannot feel half of them and the other half hurts to high hell. What do I do now? How do I get through this? What will it take to give me a break from it all? One month until my appointment. I am on a much higher dose of a skeletal muscle relaxant, that does help the leg cramps, yet nothing is touching my feet! I take my pain medication on schedule and never miss a dose. I take my night time medication so I can sleep, which I do for about six hours usually, then I am up due to the pain, take my next dose of meds and back to bed I go. I have spent the entire day, that I have been out of bed, in the recliner in the living room. Normally I can find a two hour window in the afternoons to get something done, like some laundry or pick up a bit. Though, the past couple of days I have been able to do nothing. This is when it is so hard to move forward. When you cannot occupy your mind away from the pain!