My Experience with Topamax…

I spent the last 2+ months going through one hell of a time!  I was born with a chemical imbalance, the one that causes Major Depression, so I have battled with that my entire life.  I am now 46 years old and I thought I had been through the worst depressions imaginable, but I was very wrong…

In November 2015, my pain doctor put me on Topamax.  He said I had to be on one of those type of medications on top of my pain medications in order to get more pain relief.  I always had problems with the anti-seizure medications, they had one thing in common for me, they all made me very depressed.  My pain was at an all time high and I was willing to try anything, even though I had tried so many of those type of medications and I had sworn I would NEVER again take another one.  The things you will do in hopes of some pain relief!  

At first, I thought it was helping.  I was started on 50mg, which is rather high to begin with.  It seemed to make me be able to tolerate the severe pain more, but the Topamax had immediately affected my eyes.  They were always tired and my vision became worse.  I was extremely bothered by light and certain sounds.  Like music playing out of a phone or tablet.  That would make my brain feel like it was splitting!  So, everyone in the house made sure not to play any music out of those devices.  I also could not tolerate hearing children scream, so my sons best friend (who was staying with us) had to go somewhere else to see his daughter (2 years old) on the weekends.  After a month, the doctor doubled my dose to 100mg at bedtime.  Now, not only were my eyes constantly tired by my entire being was.  I still could not tolerate the certain sounds or bright light.  I quickly found myself severely depressed and I felt like I was coming down with the flu every single day.  Two weeks into the increased dose, I was so ill that I was either in bed or in my chair.  I could not function at all and my head constantly felt like an aching joint.  Another two weeks passed and I was so miserable and in so much pain, I could not take anymore.  I have dealt with depression on and off my entire life and I have been suicidal at times, but it was always just thoughts, as I could never actually go through with it.  When you suffer from chronic pain, you need your mind to be strong and not depressed!  Well, I found myself in the worst depression of my life!  I was exhausted, felt sick and my pain was too much!  I also had gained ten pounds, even though Topamax is said to cause weight loss.  I could not see the light no matter what I tried.  I just had to end my constant misery.  I was the definition of ennui, hopeless and despair!  I felt completely alone (which I actually am other than my son), like everyone would be better off without me here, a complete waste of oxygen and I just could not take anymore…  I, being the only one that does any of the house chores, could not complete any tasks and the pain itself was devistating to me, let alone the constant feeling of coming down with the flu and isolation of it all.  So, the house was messy and getting dirtier by the day, which also added to my depression.  That’s when I began to think of how I was going to stop the suffering once and for all!  I actually had a plan set, then I realized (maybe it was my guardian angel) that it was the medication and I had to wean myself off of it.  I had an appointment with my doctor that day, so I planned to talk to him about it, but I was called and told that he called in sick and now I wasn’t going to see him for another month.    So, I cut the pills in half and took that nightly for five nights, then I was going to do every other night.  I felt a lot better the morning after not taking the medication, so I just stopped it from there on.  It has been four days without any medication now and I feel so much better. I actually feel like me, I forgot what it felt like to be me.  Yes, I still have the pain and I guess I always will, but having my mind back sure helps in dealing with it.  I am back to using meditation and pacing myself with everything…

When you suffer with chronic pain, depression can be what pushes you over the edge.  I worry about people that have not ever experienced depression and getting on Topamax then having a similar experience, but they aren’t able to see the warning sign and they go through with suicide!  That is why you see the warnings on so many medications saying, may cause suicidal thoughts…

When I shared this experience with my neighbor, after the fact, he got on to me and told me I was selfish, that killing yourself is completely selfish!  Why do people do that?  That has to be the worst thing you can say to someone who is suicidal!  I wasn’t at the time, but having gone through all of that, I realize that, it is very selfish of people to want someone to stay here on this earth in so much pain!  Obviously those are words from someone who has never really experience the darkness of true depression and suicidal thoughts…

Fighting the Darkness of Depression…

I have had a bad week, as I often do.  I can’t seem to get away from the darkness of my depression and the thoughts of ending my torment once and for all.  What actually stopped me, my son.  I thought of him finding me and the pain he would go through.  I can honestly say that it is only my son that keeps me on this earth now.  I just can’t leave him like that.  He is 23 and chances are good that he will die way before I do.  You see, he is insulin dependent diabetic and doesn’t take care of his diabetes as he should.  It takes about 15 years to kill an organ with high blood glucose.  He suddenly became diabetic at age nine when a virus attacked and killed his pancreas.  The least I could do is hold on and be here for him for the rest of his life.  He is unable to hold down a job, because his diabetes is extremely resistant to insulin and is often off the charts or so low he can barely function.

I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts my ENTIRE life!  As if dealing with that and chronic pain was not  enough, I now find myself struggling and stressed out, no end, on how to pay the electric bill every month.  My old van has not been running well and the battery has finally died.  How does one get things they need just to survive, when one has no money?  It is all way too much for me to deal with.  At my age, I should not be in this position, but I married three worthless men, that I spent years building their credit and their self esteem, just for them to cheat on me and leave…

I have finally come to the point in my life where I am happy to be just me, without a man!  Yet, I cannot enjoy this!  I have to worry and stress and try to find things to sell, just to survive.  We get two actual full meals a week, because we can only get the food we can purchase with the Foodstamps we are allowed.  $300 a month for the two of us and the cost of food is insane.  I try to get fruit and vegetables, anything I possibly can that is good for us.  We eat a lot of rice!  I wasn’t raised to be like this or in this position, which makes it all the more degrading!  I am disabled and cannot work, for so many reasons it is nuts.  I rarely am able to drive myself anywhere.  I have to live on $810 a month.  My mortgage is $500 each month.  The gas runs around $60 right now and the water is about $75-$80.  The electric bill, this last month, was $305!  The insurance, I am required to have on my old ass van, is $78 per month.  How am I supposed to make it?   Ugh….. I don’t know what to do anymore.  I have called everywhere for any help I can find.  Where I live, there is not help available.  I do know that I cannot keep going like this.  I have begged my family and everyone I know, but no one can help.

So, the last week I have been extremely down in the darkness of depression.  I allowed myself to rest and not push myself to do anything.  Normally, this helps me get past it, but I am still here and it is very dark!  I have reached out to a few friends, just to talk, but I have been ignored or told that what I feel is wrong.  I know that if I did end my life, those people would feel sad and say that they wished they could of helped me.  I just need someone to listen to me and maybe offer up some words of encouragement.  Yet, I cannot find it, anywhere!  God bless my mother and one sister.  They have tried as best they can to be here for me.  They are the only two that even put forth an ounce of effort for me.   My birthday is Saturday, I will be 46 years old at 1:21 am EST.  I have heard people say, after someone committed suicide, that they wished that person would of reached out to them, maybe they could of helped.  I am willing to bet they did reach out and they found that they were really all alone, as I have found.  I have been told things like, “You are too pretty to feel that way.”  Really?!?  Or, “Comeon now, you can’t do that to the people that love you!”  

A year ago I was dying and had to have a huge surgery to save my life, because a doctor screwed up horribly!  My sister talked me into suing, but I can’t even get an attorney to call me back.  It is like everything and everyone just ignores me and I don’t even exist.  Honestly, the money would help me survive the remaining years I have and I went through a nightmare that never should of happened.  What do I have to do in order to be seen or heard?  What will people say at my funeral?  Will they say I didn’t reach out to them?  Will they say that they wished they could of helped me?  I beg God on a daily basis, just to help me survive with the basic necessities.  Food, clothing and shelter.  Just to be able to comfortably pay the required bills, eat and get where I need to go.  On top of all of this, my psychiatrist in which it took me a year to finally get in with, decided to just drop me because my insurance wasn’t paying fast enough.  I have glaucoma and have had it since age 29, that doctor decided they were not taking my secondary insurance anymore and would see me if I could pay 20%.  How does one do that when they cant even buy food or cover their electric bill?  So, I am not on the drops I need and my vision is all messed up because of it!  What do I have to do just to survive?  Oh and then there is the bill collectors.  So much fun with the phone ringing daily and the Bs involving all of that too.   I know I don’t deserve this crap.  How did I get here?  How do I get out of here?………….

WOW, Emotional Hell…

I have been dealing with some major depression lately. Two months of feelings of abandonment then I also feel glad to be alone too. The biggest thing for me to deal with, is financial!

I started on a low dose estrogen last night. Since the surgeries took everything out of me, we are hoping the major deep depression is due to no more hormones. Only time will tell. Every single day, when the sun starts to go down, I become severely depressed. Not one day have I not had to deal with this. I also get crazy full body hot flashes through out the day, they do not seem to last very long but they are getting more and more common.

My Ex is still trying to get me to have sex with him. Why? I don’t get it! He has begun to receive his karma. Someone slammed into the back bumper of his precious truck while it was parked in a parking lot and he broke his toe. This is just the beginning. He expects me to type up his letter for him to the IRS. I am such a nice and loving person that I agree to things before I even realize it. So now he will be back by today. He stopped by yesterday and asked me for a kiss. Really!?! Every single person asks me why the hell I was ever with him. He is unattractive and a jerk and no one likes him. I guess I was supposed to teach him things, that’s all I can come up with. There is also the fact that he came along right when I had planned to end my life, so maybe it was to keep me alive. That was 8 years ago and I had the where, when and how all set! I could of used not to have the pain and torture of the 7 years we were married though!

It seems if I were the type of person that could just have casual sex, I could do that on a daily basis, but that is NOT me! Casual sex sucks. I always have to spend time teaching the guy I am with how to do it right! Plus sex without a connection is worthless to me. I feel more confident since I have so many guys tell me I am beautiful, but I still just want that one man that makes me his entire world and never stops. I deserve that and I will find that! It does get disappointing when you find out that everyone seems to only care about sex even when they are in their 50’s! I want the soul connection…

I have been talking to a guy that lives a long way away from me, but I feel a connection with him. I feel like, if we were to meet in person my soul would be over joyed! He is open and communicates well. That being the one thing that I have never been able to find in a man! I am beginning to think he may be the one I have searched for my entire life. So, until the day we meet, I will enjoy our little conversations.

Every night, when the sun begins to set, I feel so badly that I just want to go to bed, because when I wake in the morning, I feel pretty good. Then I repeat this every single day of this dreaded life………….

Messed Up Night…

The day started off ok, then my daughter started being bitchy so I ended up walking down to the neighbors house to get away from the house. When I got to the neighbors house my son was there and when I stated that I had to leave the house because of my daughter, my son got pissed off and started bitching at me about my daughter yet again. I do not need the stress, I am supposed to be calming myself down and preparing for surgery. My son basically told me that my husband is going to leave me and that he and his girlfriend were going to leave all because my daughter is in this house too. He also said he hasn’t done his chore of vacuuming and he isn’t going to do it as long as my daughter is here.

So, I went home to try to vacuum. I am able to do the hard floors no problem, but the throw rugs are very hard for me to vacuum, so my daughter did that for me. I then went and took a shower and was thinking about what my son said about my husband leaving me. When I got out of the shower I texted my husband and asked if he had said that. He didn’t respond until my forth text and then he just said he was too busy to talk right now. I was overwhelmed with that. I expected him to say no in a response. So I texted him that I would come up to the store. Then that I was now leaving and that I would be parked out back when he had a free moment. I tried to drive there and ended up with a horrible leg cramp… I had to pull over and wait for it to pass. Then I drove back home and took my medications and texted him that I was home and couldn’t make it, he said he would call me and he did. He admitted to saying that he was going to leave because he is so fed up with things here and that he is miserable. He says he hates my daughter, but can never say why he hates her.

I began to cry and shut down. I wanted to just die right now. I actually repeatedly begged god to take me back home right now! Then, my son came out and started bitching at me again, for two solid hours until he threw the house phone. I then picked up the pieces of the phone and put it back together and made sure it worked. I placed it on the base to charge and I went to my room and shut the door and locked it. I went to use the bathroom and my daughter was knocking on the door. She said my son stole her pack of cigarettes. Here we go again. I told her to go see if mine were still outside and she could have one of them. Then My son came into my bathroom where I was sitting on the toilet and started bitching at me again. Now my daughter comes in saying she wants to talk to me. I told her to wait until my son was done, but the two of them started arguing and my son shoved her and then she tried to shove herself into my bathroom passed him, where he shoved her head into the door jam and then she fell on the floor in my bathroom. My son then took his drink of coke and liquor and threw it all over my daughter, me, my dog and my entire bathroom. My daughter then called the cops..

Three cops showed up, they made my son sit down, took my daughters statement and then my sons and then asked me what I saw. Then they told my son to leave for the night. A report was filed. My daughter is sitting her as I type this and just going on and on about how she wants her cigarettes that he took and I won’t do anything about it. What am I supposed to do. I could make her pay him the money he was owed, I couldn’t make him keep watching my grandson and so on…. I’m done with this crap though!

Either I go back home to be with god or I throw everyone out of this house and then I loose it because I won’t be able to pay the utilities. Maybe I will be so stressed out I will die while I am on the operating table. I am just trying to make it to my surgery and through my recovery of 6-8 weeks. After that, I can just pack up and leave if need be or maybe my parents will find a way to help me pay the utility bills here and I will stay here. I have never in my life begged God to take me back home with him like I did tonight. I even imagined a rope around my neck as I sat there and cried my eyes out. How simple and painless it seemed to be to strangle yourself. Kids have died doing it with belts and neckties. I imagine you would just pass out and die. Restricted blood flow, pass out, blood flow stays restricted and then you are dead.

I have to go clean my bathroom now, all the soda and liquor all over it. I have to get up early to go to my pain doctor in the morning. My husband won’t respond to any of my texts. Tomorrow I will get a DNR drawn up and I will request to change the paperwork where I allowed a blood transfusion if I needed one, to not allowing one. If I go, let me stay gone………….

I just want it all to end…

I am in so much pain that it takes every ounce within me and every single medication I have to just get through a single day…
Dealing for over three years of constant pain with the levels running from a minimum of a 6 up to the highest of total hell at a 10. Six would be after a lot of rest and an arsenal of medications, that will last for two to three hours. When you cannot get down to a number that allows you to do things to occupy your mind, you become severely depressed. The pain eats away at you and your life becomes pure hell. The light can no longer be seen at the end of the tunnel. Darkness surrounds you and you are completely alone!

No position is comfortable. No place to go to hide from the torturous pain that has consumed you. You cannot sleep, or eat or even find one little thing that will bring a smile to your face… I know the importance of keeping your mind busy. So you can move your focus away from the pain. Being able to work on crafts or anything that will occupy your mind is key in survival for anyone who suffers daily in the hands of chronic pain! One thing is for sure, it costs money. And money I do NOT have. Not only that, but when the pain stays consistently at such a high level it drags you down the depression tunnel. It is next to impossible to even think, let alone, of something that will occupy my mind. Here I am, lack of sleep and unable to think or do much of anything. Fearing the inevitable, which is being in a wheelchair again. Wishing something would lessen the pain and that you would find some money so you could go to the store and get something to work on. All creativity has vanished, now unable to even think of one single thing that I could do to keep my mind busy. Pain is hell, it is pure torture. It takes everything away from you! Being positive is a must in dealing with chronic pain, but yet, it is impossible when the pain is just too high and for too long. Now the only thoughts you have are dark and depressing. You just want the hell to stop, once and for all! Suddenly, all hope has left you and there is no one there to tell you it is ok. Try telling yourself it is ok when the pain has consumed all the light you were ever able to find.

I miss my family so much. To be able to see them on the weekends and hang out. To have my sister always there for me. Now I am just here, very far away from my sister and brother and nieces & nephews. I have missed them all these years, but when the darkness consumes you, you can’t seem to stop feeling so lonely and in desperate need of my family!

Why Me?

My life has been full of so many negative things, I cannot help but think, “Why Me?” When things go wrong…

I woke today to increased pain in my lumbar spine and tailbone. Mind you, I have pain 24/7, but this was even more intense than my usual pain. I still pushed forward and was in a good mood. It takes a lot of positive thoughts to get me to the point of a decent mood, yet I try to achieve this every day and often fail miserably. I was careful not to do anything to effect the level of pain I was already in. I was only up a matter for two hours when the mail came. I opened a letter that I had been waiting for, and then the stress over took me. Me being an honest person and following the rules, I reported the back child support I was receiving for the next few weeks, so they had terminated the extra help I was getting to cover my deductible and co insurance. The problem is the deductible and co insurance now comes to more than the small amount I will be receiving for the short time to come. I am always struggling. Trying to find ways to have food to eat and the things we all need to survive. Keeping my mind occupied is one of the few things I can do to keep my pain from overwhelming me to the point of suicide. Which is very hard to do with no money. I don’t know what I am going to do! I need my medications, I am on nine different medications for several disorders and health conditions. I am scared and so very tired of struggling to survive. I have my three year old grandson and I do not receive any help from his parents for the things he needs. He always comes first no matter what. Which is how I have lost over 40 pounds, lack of food for me.

So the stress and worry brought my anxiety levels up, my pain levels even higher and the panic attacks came full force. Why do I struggle and fight so hard to get through each and every day only to keep having crap thrown at me? What do I do in January when I cannot pay full price for my prescriptions until my deductible is met? I won’t be able to get my prescriptions and most of them come with a mountain of problems when stopped. And you can surely forget about Christmas! So Yes, Why Me?!!! I’m tired of this life! With its panic, anxiety, pain, depression and excessive worry. I really do not think I can keep doing this life. I have pushed and made it another ten years since my son died and had even more problems added to my plate. I guess when the time comes and I become very ill, I will have an easier time choosing to leave. What can one person possible tolerate before they just cannot push forward anymore!?!

There it is, today’s added stress. My head is throbbing, yet I am still here. My panic and anxiety have a death grip upon me. My pain is overwhelming in its self. I miss my son! I wish it could all be like it was the year before he died. When I ran my own business and made enough money to never worry about food or anything we needed. I wasn’t in pain then either. And most importantly, my son was still alive!

The pain continues

What can I say! I’m still in pain. The injection has cushioned my tailbone tip but I still feel crushing pain when I walk or stand. I do know it can take a week to fully work and this is just day two!

Depression….. Drifts in when you are in so much pain. Thoughts of how your tired of pushing through each and every day. Hoping for that to be the day you can walk and function at least enough to do some main chores that no one else seems to get needs to be done. And forget having the ones that say they love you actually really be there and not create more stress for you! Stress always increases the pain!!!

Lets see its been three years now if this pain. Some decent days after the first few months. Did pretty well actually until my son and I were beaten in the front yard by a gang after the neighbor. Since then I have been in pain Every Single Day! That was November 2010. And six epidural steroid injections in the last year when I read you should not have more than three a year! Lumbar was twice, thoracic once, cervical once and tailbone twice. Tailbone is the most painful by the way. Be sure if your having it done (because when you hurt this much you will try anything) that you have it in a hospital where they can give you some sedation. Because without sedation it is the most torturing thing you will ever experience!