Major Venting….

I must have a sign on me that says… “If your a liar, talk to me”. I didn’t want a relationship or any man.  He came out of no where and wooed me, like no other.  He made promises I never once even asked for.  Then I find out he is a chronic liar and has done this before to another.  I deal with enough crap in my own life, why the heck did he have to pick me…

Of course, I do not want to be with anyone that is a liar, but it still hurts like hell.  I have never met a man that didn’t lie to me or that was even a man of his word.  I told him up front, right from the start, everything I deal with and how I wont be with a liar, cheater , etc.   I thought that would make sure I wasn’t hurt again.  I am so hurt and so angry that he did this to me.  What the hell?  

I am going to get fat so men just stay away from me period.  I am NEVER going to be in another relationship the rest of my suffering life!  It is hard enough to deal with the pain I live in every day, I can’t deal with this emotional hell on top of it.  It has been 5 days now, why can’t I get over it already?  To top it off, he won’t admit to the lies I have proof of.  Typical, if you don’t admit to it, it never happened.  I have been shit on by every single man in my entire life…  I struggle to survive every day.  From the pain, depression, no money, no vehicle and lack of any kind of healthy food available.  

My daughter got out of jail last week.  She is still doing good at staying away from the drugs.  I want to help her succeed, but my son won’t let me.  I am controlled in my own home.  I can’t pay the utilities and he said if I let my daughter stay here even one night they would leave.  Screw it, I am done with everything.  Leave then, I don’t care anymore…

The Present Moment…

They saying goes, that if we want to be happy and feel good, we need to remain inthe present moment.  Just this very moment, nothing else.  No Past or Future, no tomorrow or next hour, etc.  That is the secret in DBT, dialectical behavior therapy, which I did for 3 years straight.  The reason we don’t remember things, is because we do not pay attention to each present moment and what we are doing at that time.  It requires you to completely and only focus on right now…

Say you are sitting in a chair, you would describe to yourself exactly what you are doing right then.  “I am sitting in my chair, my legs are bent, I can hear birds chirping, I hear a car driving by, and so on!  The actual present moment.  The same applies to every thing we do. Washing dishes, focus on only that!  The problem is, I keep forgetting to be in the present moment…

We can only do the best we can.  I seem to have to constantly remind myself to just be in today, this hour, this minute.  Do not worry about anything else.  What will be, will be.  Go with the flow and flow with what may come.  It is a daily struggle for me.  Why does it have to be this difficult?  

For me, I have found my mental well being is effected by clutter and messiness.  So, every single day that my body allows me to, I do basic chores.  I feel like I can breathe better too.  I have to complete what I want done in a 2-3 hour window, after that my body won’t allow anything else to be done.  I have found I struggle every single day, in the evening, with depression.  When I have to sit with all the pillows and I try to focus on a TV show or movie.  If only my body would let me do more, to occupy my mind.  I feel down and ever so alone in the evening…

I do the best when I can keep my mind busy.  Living with Panic & Anxiety Disorders, I have become a hermit.  In order to keep my levels down, I avoid people and places when ever possible.  It took me years to figure out many of my triggers and years to stop paying attention to time.  Now I am stuck home even if I wanted to go somewhere, my vehicle died back in 2015, I have no way to fix it.  I also, am unable to eat healthy (which can help), since I have to eat an entire month and get what the household needs on $200!  Oh crap, this is what happens, the stress…forgetting the present moment…focusing on the chaos of my so called life…

It would be nice to have a friend just to even talk to once a week.  Someone to do something with even.  My so called boyfriend, that lives in WI, barely even talks to me anymore.  He lost his job and is dealing with depression, which I understand.  I don’t understand barely talking to me when he is the one that came after me, insisted we were the same and made promises he is not keeping.  Why do men do this crap?  Can anyone be a man of their word?  I am open and talk about everything, he insisted he was too, then why not talk to me about things?  So, he got my hopes up and then ripped the rug out from under me…………

Love & Mental Issues…

My man, Frankie, came to see me for a week at the beginning of this month.  It was amazing to have him here.  He is very laid back and calm, which is something I really need in my life.  He brought 2 guitars with him and played them in the evenings.  It was so nice to sit back and listen to him!  He also brought me a Walking Dead T-shirt.  I am Obsessed with The Walking Dead!  We are moving on with our plans for him to move down here. It will take him a couple of months to get his things in order up there, then he will move to be with me!  I can’t wait!  The fact he still wants to take full care of me, even after being with me in person and seeing the pain I deal with, just amazes me!  I have a lot of issues both physical and mental…

What I don’t understand is, why I have been flooded with the emotional crap again, now that I am with someone.  While I was completely alone I never felt any of it.  Now, being in a relationship, it is all flooding me again.  I don’t want the negative thoughts or feelings!  For some reason, they have all hit me like a truck!  The worry and fear of loosing him.   Feeling like I am suddenly not important.  There is NO Reason for me to think these things, why the hell am I?  It is all part of my mental issues.  Obviously, I need to deal with them and work on them, which is why they have come back up.  Luckily, I am the kind of person that says what is on my mind.  So, I ask him and I feel better when he answers me, but I also hate that I am having the thoughts to begin with.  Then, I fear; that he may decide; he doesn’t want to deal with all my issues after all.  What an endless cycle of crap!  He is awesome and inside I KNOW he will always be here for me, so I Must find a way to shut this stuff up…

Ahh, the joys of living with mental illness.  And then there is the chronic pain too.  Who signs up for that, willingly?  While he was here, when I would have the spells of intense pain, he would place his hands there and just hold me.  So amazing!  Now I miss that immensely.  Never in my life have I been with such a caring and loving man!  He is caring and loving to everyone and everything.  I know I deserve him, yet part of me has such fear…  I often feel like I am in a battle between two halves of me.  Like, one part would want to die while the other part wants to live.  One part knows I deserve this beautiful man in my life, the other part says I don’t.  Always a battle… Why can’t I just be happy that I finally have such an amazing man in my life?  … Mental Illness and a past of being crapped on repeatedly by everyone…that’s why!

Frankie must be my reward for living through all the hell and not ending my life!  Right? Funny thing is, both of us had completely given up on ever being with someone and completely given up on life in general.  We were both just surviving, one day at a time, waiting for the end!  I feel like I will die before he ever gets here.  Another thing that is most likely not true.  He has only been gone from visiting me for one week today now.  I wish there was a switch to just shut off that part of my mind, before it drives me mad…

I am attaching a recent pic of Frankie and one of me… Wish we would of taken one together!  FYI: I am 3 months older than him…lol! 

Beautiful Weather, Jacked-Up Pain…

It has been 12 days now since the injections I had in the bursa of my butt cheek areas.  The left side has stayed with increased pain and now I have pain all through the hip and top of the leg!  This is also on the right side, but the left is much worse…

I am tired of feeling like I am being ignored and pushed along at every doctor visit!  They did nothing when I told them my feet were going numb years ago and now both are completely numb, plus I have pain the feels like they are being crushed and when I walk it feels like walked on very sharp glass.  I have to wear shoes always and they have to be tennis shoes that are way bigger than my feet, because I can’t stand anything touching them!  I am slowly getting to the point of having to be back in a wheel chair!  Like is said, every single year it just progresses and gets worse!  What do I have to do?  I see the Pain Doctor, or should I say the damn PA tomorrow!  (I hate that). The pain medication does help take the very hard edge off of the pain, but they never give enough to actually give you a life…  While drug addicts seem to have no problem getting the drugs!  This really pisses me off!  While I lived in IL, I had to go through a ton of meds to find what worked for my Panic, Anxiety and depression.  I moved back to GA and they wouldn’t give me those meds!  Yet, drug addicts get them… WTF! I am so damn tired of it…

Hurricane Mathew came by, I am inland, but we expected very high winds and a lot of rain. We did get a decent amount of rain, but it was mostly a light rain fall for a solid 12 hours and some decent wind gusts, but no where near as bad as we expected.  Which is good, I worried about the dead tree in the back yard coming down.  When your disabled and struggling to make it, you do not have the funds to take care of anything!  

Tell me, how does one eat an entire month on $200, which also has to buy the condements and sugar, flour, etc.?  I am basically living on those $1.00 Party Pizzas, which does a number on my intestinal track!  I can’t even count how many mornings now that I have crappy myself!  IBS, which did not bother me for years, is back in full swing, all because I cannot buy healthy food.  I never eat breakfast or lunch, I eat crackers and fruit cups when the hunger pains get to me or my blood glucose drops too much.  I am Hypoglycemic, but not diabetic.  Hypoglycemia runs in my family.  Sometimes the hypoglycemia causes me a lot of problems and other times I can go months or even years where it does nothing…

Exercise….. Living with constant chronic pain, it is difficult to get any exercise.  This is why I force myself to clean up the kitchen, wipe all the tables down and use the light vacuum through the house every day.  That is the only exercise I get and it is painful, but I do it so my body moves everyday…

…The vacuum I had, a Dyson, was too heavy for me to use and I had NO way to buy another vacuum.  I wrote to three of the top vacuum places and explained my situation to them.  Hoover sent me a very lightweight vacuum that is steerable and super easy to use.  I recommend it for anyone suffering from a chronic pain condition.  Hoover Air Steerable, UH72400!  It has truly been a godsend for me!  It has a button to turn on or off the beater bar.  My house is just under 1400 square feet and the main areas are all hard floors with throw rugs, while the bedrooms are carpeted.  I have several animals, all of which I got before I knew I would be in this position of being alone and no money!  I am allergic to Pet Dander, so vacuuming daily is importent for my health. The Hoover Air Steerable picks up all the hair and even cat food and litter, while it transitions from hard floor to carpet all on its own!  I have always been a person that would NEVER ask for help, but now I am in the position, that the only way I will survive, is through help.  I don’t understand why the state of GA does nothing to help!  I literally have nothing left after paying the mortgage and utilities.  Yet, I can’t get help with the utilities!  How do I buy needed items?  Like toilet paper, DEODERANT, soap, shampoo and conditioner, etc.  I do everything I can to earn Amazon credits through Bing and Crowdtap, but that gets me around $10 a month and you have to have a $49 Oder for free shipping unless your Prime, which I can’t afford!  I wrote Amazon about that and they just gave me one $20credit…WTF!  Where is the help for people who are Disabled and Alone with no help from a spouse or anyone else?  I have tried everywhere and I do NOT have a vehicle!  My son’s girlfriend was getting me to appointments and now her vehicle has been broke down for months!  My insurance will give me 12 rides to appointments a year, which is no where near enough!  What about getting to the store and pharmacy?  I have rotten wood on my house, can’t pay to fix it!  The list is endless…

So there enlies the massive STRESS!  Which is also why I have been having Panic Attacks Daily!  Ugh…  In IL I was on Xanex, it works fast so when an attack started I could take one and in 15 minutes it would help me.  In GA, they refused to give me that and put me on Ativan, which takes an hour to work, so I have to take it three times a day to keep it in my system and I am still having attacks!  Yet, I constantly hear about the damn drug addicts getting Xanex.  I am ANGRY and just plain sick and tired of the crap………….

Injections, Pain & Depression…

I had injections in the “butt” area, because  I am unable to sit unless it is on a squishy pillow and sometimes I cannot even sit on that.  So, the doctor wanted to do injections.  He always wants to do injections.  They must make money off of injections!  In 2012, I had 13 injections at different times through my entire spine and tailbone.  Your not supposed to have more than three injections a year!  Two of those helped for ten days, a few caused me more pain and the rest were worthless!  The butt injections were done on both sides.  On the right the injection hurt a little and I have had no increased pain and no difference that I can tell.  On the left, the injection was very painful and I have had very increased pain ever since then, which was 5 days ago!  It has caused the pain from there all the way down my leg to be much worse!  Just what I needed…

When my pain goes up, my depression gets worse!  Also, when my depression goes up, my pain gets worse.  Vicious circle!  Rightnow, I am in a pretty bad place.  Everything sucks, nothing brings me joy and the pain is just too much.  The last two nights I was woke several times with horrible leg cramps.  I am talking about the kind that feel like your legs are being ripped apart!  I am left with wrenched up muscles in my legs today.  Come the “F*ck” on!  

Back Story:  on November 15, 2010, I was beaten by a gang that was going after my neighbor.  I had just returned from the store and two vehicles pulled up with over a dozen thugs.  They jumped out, the neighbor was standing in the road at my driveway talking to my son.  The thugs pounced on the neighbor and in seconds he ran inside his house.  Then the thugs attacked my son and me in our OWN YARD,  I was beat from behind repeatedly until I completely pissed myself and one of the thugs pulled out a shotgun.  The rest of the thugs backed off and the gun man pointed it right at my son and me!  He pulled the trigger, but some how he lost control of the shotgun and it shot up.  A neighbor down the street saw me being beat and he came out with his handgun and shot it in the air, then all the thugs took off!  From that day on, I have had pain, non-stop pain, that has gotten worse every single year!  It took the doctors several years & painful tests, after I lost feeling in both feet and the pain started there as well, to figure out that the bundle of nerves which comes out both sides of the lower spine are compressed.  Hence, why I get worse every year and I am to the point of giving up completely.  Doctor just plain suck here!  I have constant pain in the left side of my neck, both sides from the waist down to my feet, with the left side being the worst.  Come on already, if your going to do injections why not do them at the bundle of nerves?  They denied me the spinal cord stimulator, which would block the pain!  The pain meds help take the sharp edge off of a lot of it, but nothing reduces it enough to have any kind of a real life!  Most of the time, I have to sit in a chair with pillows to do anything at all and when I can stand it is not for long at all.  It fells like my hips are being crushed into my spine and I am walking on sharp rocks that crush my bones in my feet, but I have no feeling on the surface (skin area) of my feet.  Without any pain meds, I am in a wheelchair…

I am very grateful for my home!  However, I struggle every single month!  I am disabled and get $810 a month, I pay the mortgage & my co-pays for all the meds and have nothing left!  I haven’t had a vehicle in over a year now either!  I can’t pay to fix things (like the rotten wood on the house, etc.) or even get things I need!  I cannot find any place to help me pay the utilities here.  I want to stay in my home and I should be able to find help, I am Disabled, but I have tried for two years now, ever since my husband left me!  I can go live with my parents, but I loose my privacy and I have to find homes for all my animals, which I have tried to do to no avail.  Then, what do I do when my parents die?  Another reason to keep my home…

Just thinking about any of it, causes Panic Attacks, Anxiety and increases my damn depression!  I really wish someone would just come in and help me out!  If I still lived in Illinois, I would get the help I need, but I don’t have a home there, my home is in Georgia.  Georgia sucks…

So, I have had to stop typing this four times now, due to pain, panic, anxiety and freaking out!  I am trying to just not think period.  That is very difficult to do!  I know that if I can just let myself feel what ever it is that I am feeling and stop fighting it, the depression will ease up quicker.  I really am trying, but there is just so much crap to deal with.  I feel completely alone!  I am alone, I do not have any local friends, no one to talk to and I have nothing to do with the opposite sex anymore.  I just can’t deal with someone else’s crap on top of my own anymore…

Final thought:  I am tired of hearing people say that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, when I have been going through more and more crap for six years now.  There is NO light, just Darkness………….

Lost in the Emotional Abyss…

Lately, my dreams have been telling me many things.  I don’t recall them ever being as vivid as they are now.  May things I forgot all about, have come up in my dreams.  I truly believe dreams tell us many things and also help us work through past issues…

Two nights ago, I had a dream where I stayed at my address because I knew my deceased son would find his way back here.  Subconsciously I am holding on to my home and I know I have been, I just did not know why…

Last night, I had a dream that reminded me of many past betrayals, hurt, pain, mistrust and back stabbing.  It also showed me that those things would continue if I chose to move where I had been planning to go.  I had completely forgot of all of those things!  

The only thing I can do is try, my best to be inthe here and now!  Allow what ever may come to come.  Thoughts of the past just cause depression and thoughts of the future bring about panic and anxiety.  It sounds easy, yet it is so very difficult to just be inthe here and now…

I do not feel right and I can’t seem to place the emotions I am feeling!  They are a twist and turn of so many different things.  I know I feel Lost, Angry,Depressed and I am so tired of being in constant pain!  Like a roller coaster, I roll through emotions as fast as the cart goes up and down.  Tears flow suddenly and I don’t know why, then I feel Anger, yet that also disappears as fast as it came on, and so on…

I have survived through so much!  Two bouts of Mono (Epstein-Barr), 5th Disease, My sister dying, MY SON DYING, two husbands abandoning me, being beat by a gang (where the Chronic Pain Started), almost dying and having a giant surgery to save my life, my drug addict daughter and finally getting to a place where I no longer wanted a man in my life!  I never thought I would come to a place where I did not feel like I had to have someone!  The worse one of all was the death of my son and still is!  I haven’t had a vehicle in a year (no funds to get one either), I barely survive on my tiny disability and it is hell trying to find ways to get to appointments!  I am sure I am forgetting several things…

I am often left wondering why the heck I lived through that last surgery!  For what?  I do believe we all have several things to overcome in our lives, much like lessons.  I cannot do anymore lessons!  I am DONE!  I feel lost and confused…

Somehow, I still have some Hope inside of me, I don’t know how – but it is there.  Hope that something great is coming.  I just don’t know if I can keep holding on………….

Emotions Unidentifiable …

Twice a year I clean out the cabinet where all the memories of my deceased son lives.  A few things I put together in remembrance of him.  It is emotional every time I clean this cabinet out.  It has been over 12 years and I still have so much inside of me.  Numerous doctors have stated that I have not dealt with my son’s death.  I asked them all, Then how do I deal with it?  They offer up things like, except that he is gone.  I have excepted that.  Sort through your emotions, I have done this so many times.  Go through each of the stages of Grief, Ha… I have done that as well.  I have also read tons of books.  How does one get over the death of their child?

I have been full of all kinds of emotions, yet I am not sure what I am actually feeling.  I met a real nice man, but I just don’t want any kind of relationship and for some reason men always want a damn relationship with me.  I want some good friends and then see what happens.  I really need to identify these emotions and work on them.

I have been non stop busy since I returned home from seeing my family in northern Illinois.  I kicked my daughter out almost a month ago, been home about ten days and every day I am cleaning and organizing another area of the house.  To get it back to good shape.  She destroyed so much.  I still have another ten days worth of cleaning to be done.  Since I can only tackle on decent size thing or two small things a day, due to the chronic pain.  It is getting there though.  It is finally peaceful in my home!  I miss my grandson though.  He went to live with his father before I returned from my trip.  He is safe and happy there, but he has been with me since he was born!  So many emotions!

All I can do is try to keep myself busy until it is all done, then get back to going to the gym three times a week.  I have been in a pain flare the last four days as well!  The gym helps me keep loose and build muscles to support the pain areas.  I have not been in two months………….