I Stopped the Pain Meds..

I had been feeling, for the last six months, that I needed to come off of the pain medications, the long acting one was making me feel sick and I had been on some sort of pain medication for over 7 years now.

6 months ago I began to investigate Kratom. After a few months I tried some from various places and then finally found the right one. I found it helped much more with the pain. So, 10 days ago I stopped the pain medication and took Kratom 3 times a day. Today and for the next week I will only take it twice a day, finally I am hoping to be able to only use it as needed. I have not had really any withdrawals. A few times my anxiety jacked up, but meditation helped with that as well as the Kratom. I no longer feel sick and my pain is no where near as bad as it had been. I truly believe prescription pain medication, over years, causes increased pain. It definitely has a place though.

Unfortunately, my life is still the same. Stuck at home and no way to do anything, etc. Maybe once I get through the next few weeks things will improve for me here. I am very comfortable here. It is hard to keep your mind busy when you do not have the funds for things to do. I pulled out a puzzle yesterday and I work on that periodically.

Oh yeah, I chopped all my hair off! I was tired of being hot and I always had my hair pulled up anyway. I am much cooler now. I don’t really care what I look like, nor am I trying to impress anyone. My comfort is the most important thing to me…

Christmas Vacation…

I am currently at my parents on vacation. I arrived here on the 14th and I do not go back home until around the 3rd of January. I brought my kitty with me that sleeps with me every night. She did not like the car ride at all, but she seems to be happy here. I am always happy here. Though I have been very lazy.

My sister & my nephew that live in Florida, my aunt & uncle, my cousin and his girlfriend and my moms cousin plus her friend will all be here tomorrow (Christmas Eve) for a get together and a big meal. This is nice for me, since I am normally home alone on all holidays. I always feel like I am “out of sight, out of mind” with my family. I don’t even have a friend near my anymore. Just stuck at home alone. I do not like to be around many people, due to my panic disorder and I do not have a vehicle to go anywhere. I miss having a good friend nearby very much.

For years now, Christmas doesn’t feel like any special day for me. All holidays are now just another day. Same old crap, different day! I miss the special feeling I always had for the holidays. Being an adult sucks! Then again, my entire life is boring and not fun. I can’t even remember the last time I felt real happiness… Every day is the same, with me just trying to make it through the day with the least amount of pain possible.

I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas and a very Happy New Year!

When it Becomes too Much…

I am tired of barely surviving.  Tired of the enormous amount of pain I have to deal with every day of my life.  I have tried so many different things seeking something to help me.  Unfortunately, when you don’t have any money, there is not much you can do.  I was able to try Wild Lettuce and it did nothing for my pain.

I know that I have to make a change and soon, or it will be too late.  I can feel it deep inside of me.  I have stayed here as long as I could, but this is no life at all.  Struggling to get by and survive.  As if the chronic pain wasn’t bad enough.  

I am going to have several blocks done on my lower back at the end of this month.  If they help at all, then I will have ablationS done to burn off the nerves, though they will eventually grow back.  Fingers crossed.

Mid December I am going to my parents in Florida for three weeks.  I honestly feel like I don’t want to even bother coming back here.  To the same old crap and struggle.  Maybe I won’t.  Maybe I need to just stay there and be done with everything here, because if I don’t I doubt I will still be alive this time next year…

The Pain is Just Too Much…

For months now, every single thing I do on my feet; like walking or any form of bending, immediately increases my pain so much that I feel like I am being crushed to death from my waist down!  I have to get to a padded place to sit ASAP to stop the sharpness of it.  Now I find myself not wanting to get out of the chair at all.  I do everything I can from a padded chair on wheels, but now I can’t even seem to walk to the bathroom without suffering.  I so wish I could get a slim power chair that would fit inthe doorways inside my house, then I would not have to get on my feet or suffer through so damn much pain.  I have pain even sitting, but with medication I can deal with that pain usually.  

I had a bad headache for 2 days straight and today the headache is gone, but my head doesn’t feel right.  Much like it tends to feel the day after a migraine.  When I get migraines I always get a floater in my vision first, which I did not have happen.  It wasn’t a migraine, just a bad non-stop headache for 2 days…😪

I am so tired, exhausted even, of being in so much pain.  I want to enjoy the beautiful weather outside, yet I can’t sit out there for long.  Even on a pile of pillows!  I wish I had something I could lay on outside.  I am feeling very down & depressed, who wouldn’t in my shoes.  I don’t have anyone to comfort me or be a part of my life, so I sometimes feel lonely.  I have been feeling that a lot the last few days.  Yet, I can’t even think about ever dealing with another man after having 3 failed marriages and several men that are liars in my life.  I have been just me, by choice, for almost 3 years now.  Normally I am perfectly fine with that.  I guess I feel like it would be nice to just have a good friend.  Though, in the amount of pain I have now, I would be a very good friend to even have…😢

There seems to be no point at all to my life, other than constant pain and what feels like torture.  I literally have NO Life.  I HATE leaving my house, because of the pain and the panic & anxiety crap I deal with.  I would go to the neighbors occasionally if I had a power chair to get there in and to be able to sit there in.  Other than that, I have NO desire to ever leave my home.  I literally only leave my home for appointments and once a month I go to the store for groceries.  I have become a hermit I guess…🏡

Keeping my mind busy is Important, that keeps my mind off the pain.  I am so uncomfortable and have so much pain, that there isn’t much I can do to keep my mind busy anymore.  I always would clean to keep my mind busy, now it has become too painful for me even in the rolling padded chair…😖💺

I don’t know what else to do.  I am finally scheduled for the blocks across my low back, but it isn’t until November 29th!!!  If those blocks help at all, then I will be scheduled for ablation; which is basically radio frequency burning of the nerves.  The nerves will grow back, but I could get 3 months to 3 years of relief in that area.  Unfortunately, I have several bad areas.  The left side of my neck is constantly in pain and has been for 7 years.  Sometimes the pain is really bad!  Both my feet are numb, yet feel like they are being crushed!  My entire low back, both butt cheeks, both hips and both legs.  The left side is even more painful than the right side.  For 7 years I have progressively gotten worse and the painful areas have spread out farther.  Needless to say, I am MISERABLE!!!  I need my living hell to end!  😫😭😰

I have tried everything I possibly can to help me.  Why do I have to be poor!  If I had money then I could buy a power chair.  Even taking a shower is enormously painful!  I force myself through that pain once a week.  I can’t even sit in the bathtub to soak, too painful there too.  I give up!  I pray I die in my sleep and soon…..🛌 ☠ ⏳… No one should ever have to suffer in so much pain!  

Now they are taking pain medication away from people who need it just to function.  Chronic pain patients!  I fear what hell I will be forced to live when that happens to me.  I know how horrid the pain is without medication.  Why doesn’t my body just give up and die already?  So many people that have lost their pain medication have killed themselves.  They couldn’t take the pain anymore.  Pain medication is there for this reason, so no one has to suffer.  Yet, you have to jump through hoops just to finally get any pain medication and you are never given enough to really cover your pain.  I can’t help but wonder if the governments plan is for chronic pain patients to end their lives, why else would they just take it away suddenly!   I am tired of the fear I have for if and when that happens to me.  With all of the CDC’s BS going on over Opioids, chronic Pain Patients are being screwed over and even treated like addicts.  News flag, chronic pain patients don’t abuse their meds and they are regularly drug tested among many other things that provethey are compliant. Drug addicts don’t start out with a prescription from a doctor.  The CDC is grouping Heroin in with pain medications as Opioids.  Many addicts have died from street drugs like heroin and illicit fentanyl, it is NOT the compliant chronic pain patients!  Yet we are the ones who are suffering………….😡😤😖


1.  I want to know why the doctors refuse to give me the medication that works the best for my panic disorder here, yet others seem to get it prescribed and turn around and sell it!  It pisses me off!  Alprozolam/Xanax is the absolute best medication for my panic disorder.  I was on that for over 10 years and that medication stops the attacks while also allowing me to feel completely NORMAL.  I Had tried many different medication, most that did not work at all.  I was originally put on Xanax down here back in 1995. When I moved back here, I was told they couldn’t give me that anymore.  They tried Klonopin, but that made me feel drunk and I don’t drink.  They put me on Ativan/Lorazapam.  This medication helps, but takes an hour to work at all and causes me to feel even more tired.  Xanax was made for someone just like me.  I was told that Xanax has a high abuse level and that is why they wouldn’t give it to me.  Let me tell you, I have NEVER abused medication, I have NEVER sold my medication and I have NEVER even shared my medication!!!  So, I am not allowed to be on the one medication that helps the most and allows me to feel normal.  WTF…

2.  Why is it that doctors never seem to give enough medication to actually cover the massive pain you live with every day of your life?  For the last 7 years I have been living with major intractable pain, that gets worse every damn year.  It took 6 years to just get on a medication that actually does help some.  After trying several different non-opioid medications that caused me to be severely depressed or suicidal or swell so bad I couldn’t walk at all.  Now the CDC is going after opioid medication like a steak dangling before a starved dog.  They are putting doctors in jail whose only crime was prescribing life saving opioids to patients in horrible pain.  The patients that are able to get up and go to work only because they have opioid medication to help them accomplish it.   The CDC wants ALL opioid medication gone by 2019.  That’s right, even the ones used in the hospital after surgery!  They are saying that we have an opioid crisis and people are dying.  The problem is they are grouping all the drug addicts that die from heroin and street drugs in the same group as chronic pain patients, because heroin is an opioid.  So what this does is take away the life saving medication from real pain patients.  Now these patients can no longer get up and go to work. Several have already taken their own lives, because the pain (untreated) is more than they can endure.  Many states here in the USA have adopted the CDC guidelines as rules and they have taken all the opioids away from the chronic pain patients there, or at the very least they have cut the medication way down.  This terrifies me, because if or when this happens to me, I will be one of the ones that is forced to just end my life.  Yes, you are going to see a massive increase in suicides over the next two years.  Just do a search online for “opioid crisis”. You will see the many things that the CDC has already started.  

3.  Why am I constantly being punished for being poor?  I worked for years and made very good money.  It is NOT my fault that I became disabled or that my ex-husband chose to walk out on me while I was recovering from  two major surgeries that saved my life.  Yet, every time I turn around, I am being punished for being poor!   If I had money, I would be able to pay the $100 for the Neurobehavioral Exam I need in order to obtain the Spinal Cord Stimulator, which may very well help with my constant intractable pain.  If I had money, I could get much better treatment and the best medications.  If I had money, I could afford to eat healthy, which would most likely help me on many levels.  But I don’t have money.  I struggle every month just to survive.  Let me break it down for you in my monthly bills and income: Mortgage-$482, Electric (budget billing) $158, Gas (budget billing) $42, Water-$90, RX copays-$30 = $802.00. My income per month is $813.00. That leaves me with $11.00 a month to buy toilet paper, personal hygiene items, etc.  I receive $200 a month in Foodstamps to replenish food items I need (like sugar,flour & condiments) and buy food to feed me for the entire month.  This is very difficult to do, so in order to have food to eat every day, I have to pick the cheapest options.  These are also the NOT good for you options.  My vehicle quit running two years ago and I don’t have money to have it fixed, plus I don’t have funds to pay for insurance or gas anyway.  My gas range (stove/oven) quit working over a year ago, again I do not have funds to have it fixed or buy a new one.  The dryer is on its way out as well.  Yes, I have tried everywhere here for any kind of help and there is none!  

Ok, that’s enough, I am feeling extremely depressed now………….

It Never Ends…

Now my secondary insurance is saying I do not have full coverage.  So, I still cannot be seen by a psychiatrist because I am poor.  Which is it then?  First they said they don’t cover adults for mental health and now it is that I do not have full coverage.   I pray my general doctor will do the letter that my pain doctor needs and continue to prescribe my panic medication…

On top of that, the CDC has issued new rules on Opioid medication.  They do not want anyone to have opioid medication, even the chronic pain community.  Many have already had their meds reduced or completely taken away, leaving them in horrendous pain.  The CDC says this is to combat the overdose deaths, but those are actually happening with addicts and heroin.  They categorize heroin in with all prescribed opioids.  A hospital in Boston has already stopped giving opioid medication after surgery!  WTF!  Can you imagine not getting any form of help with the excruciating pain?  People with chronic pain conditions are being left, dropped by doctors.  Unable to work anymore due to this and many have killed themselves.  With NO hope of obtaining any form of relief from never ending pain, that seems to be the only option left.  There will be a huge increase in suicides as this progresses on.  Just do a search for “opioid epidemic or CDC opioids” you will see for yourself what I am referring to.  Doctors never give enough medication to really cover the pain as it is…

This year has been extremely difficult for me.  My pain is worse and spread to other areas.  My panic disorder has been very troublesome.  I am having to use a cane most of the time.  If I never had to stand, walk or bend; I would have less pain.  But, my wheelchair doesn’t fit in the doorways inside my house.  I need a power chair that will fit.  Hell, I need a lot of things, but no money to obtain them.  I need one of those small circle shower chairs and something to holed my shower head lower.  Showering is so painful, that I have not done it in 9 days now.  Yeah I know-Gross, but I do give myself a sponge bath daily.  Though, my hair need to be cleaned…

For me, even sitting has become painful.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  I already have to bring a thick foam cushion to sit on everywhere I go.  I feel like my entire back side of the pelvic bone plus both hips are being crushed inward.  The pain engulfs my butt cheeks as well, then it goes down my left leg (feels like a brain freeze after eating something frozen fast) and both my feet constantly feel like they are being crushed – but the outside area is completely numb.  The left side of my neck has never stopped hurting since I was beat.  I now have a lot of weakness in my left leg too.  I am unable to do much of anything and what I do get done is always from a padded chair on wheels.  I had to choose between toilet paper or toothpaste this month.  I only have a small amount of money to buy things I need every month and always having to choose between things I NEED!!!

My parents came up here from Florida and took me on their trip to Northern ILLINOIS to see my brother & sister and their families.  I am so grateful I got to see them all, since I know it will be the last time I get too.  I thought laying down in the back seat would help keep my pain lower, but it did not.  Most of the trip I was in tremendous pain.  The trip is normally 15-16 hours if you drive straight there, but my parents needed to stop driving by 4pm every day, so we stopped over at hotels twice to get there.  On the way back home, we stopped over night once.  I did get to see my grandson for an hour, which was very nice.  We left here on the 18th and returned here on the 26th.  

The neighbor gave us a gas oven, since mine hasn’t worked in two years, but it is missing the power cord and my father said it looked bad at the connection.  So, we continue on without an oven.  Story of my life, disappointed after disappointment………….

The never ending Shit-Storm called My Life…

I am disabled with mental health issues plus more, but when I tried to obtain mental health services my secondary insurance (Medicaid) would not pay.  It took 2 months to get any response on the matter from the Dept. of Human Services here in GA.  They said they do not cover mental health services for adults.  WHAT?  Why was I able to obtain them for several years prior?  How is that even possible?

My pain doctor is requiring a letter stating why I need my panic meds in order to continue to get pain meds, my general doctor refused to do this letter and took my meds from me.  After two weeks of hell, my general doctor agreed to help me with the meds, but not the letter, until I can be seen by a psychiatrist.  I have an appointment on the 27th with a psychiatrist. I have no way to pay $40 every time I go to the psychiatrist, but I also won’t survive without both my panic meds and my pain meds.  I honestly don’t know how I have not ended my life yet.  Oh wait, yes I do, I am too much of a pussy to kill myself!

I told the Medicaid office that the federal government passed a law last year stating that Mental Health Services have to be covered.  There are limits, but I can work with 20 visits a year.  I supposed it will be another 2 months before I hear back on that.  You can NEVER get through on the phone.  

I haven’t had a running vehicle in 2 years, have not had a working oven in over a year and a half, my coffee maker died yesterday, my dryer is on its last leg and I barely survive every month.  I literally have nothing left from the $813 a month I get, after I pay the mortgage & house bills.  I am supposed to be seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor…

I GIVE UP!!! I can’t take this hell storm anymore.  I have tried everything, everywhere and this state sucks.  There is nothing out there to help me………….