That’s It, I Am Done…

My pain doctor said I had to get a letter from my other doctor that prescribes my anxiety medication in order to continue to get my pain meds.  The letter needs to state why I need to take the medication and that there are no other alternatives.  I am disabled with Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia, that alone should state why I need the medication.  For 22 years I have fought the panic with agoraphobia cycles.  Today, my other doctor told me that he won’t do the letter, because it will make him liable if I die.  After I explained repeatedly and cried telling him I have already been through every medication out there over the last two decades and I am on the only one that even slightly helps, he still refused.  Now my anxiety medication has been taken away and I am given antihistamines.  I already know this road.  First I will withdrawal which is horrible and then the antihistamines will make me tired and increase my major depression.  So by doing this, the doctor has now greatly increased the chance that I will end my own life…

I cannot deal with anymore crap.  I am already struggling to survive and barely able to leave my home for appointments.  My sister tells me I eat too much bad food and I will be just fine if I eat healthy.  Hey guess what, I have $200 a month to get what the household needs and feed myself.  I can’t stand long to really cook much either.  All she did was make me feel even crappier and more depressed.  I don’t know why I keep reaching out to my siblings, it is never supportive or loving.  I have three siblings still alive.  Not one of them can even comprehend what I deal with, since they have not ever gone through any of my demons.  They have never had panic or agoraphobia or depression or chronic pain, etc.  I read that people can survive even cancer when they have a good support system.  Guess what….. I don’t have a support system at all…

I am exhausted, warn out, too damn tired!  I can’t even see right from all the stress, panic, anxiety (yes, panic and anxiety are two completely different things) and crying today.  I have fought hard and long to survive, now it is time for me to rest!  I so long for eternal peace.  I mentally and physically cannot do another thing.  I feel drunk, yet I don’t drink.  That is what all of this has done to me just today.  I give up!  I shall sleep while I can, because sleep will be fleeting without my medication………….

A Lost Soul….

I never thought I would be here going on 47 years old!  I work and built a great life, then my son died and my husband left and everything went to hell!  I lost a part of me when my son died and my husband chose drugs and cheating over the family we had…

Then, I thought I found true love again, but he was just a lie.  He pretended for almost 3 years to be the perfect guy.  How does someone do that for so long?  His real self came out and I spent years with a liar, thief and just a plain crappy person, because I married him.  He was too young and he left while I was fighting for my life.  I often wish I had died then!  

For 2 years now I have been alone, though I prefer being just me over being with a shitty man.  I feel lonely often, not lonely for a man in my life, but just a friend.  It seems everyone here is either an alcoholic or on drugs.  With my chronic pain, panic, anxiety and agoraphobia I have become a hermit in my home.  No vehicle or money, so I am stuck here anyway…

How did I get here?  I did everything right!  I chose shitty be in my life.  I know going to live with my parents is best for me, but at the same time I feel like I am loosing so much.  I will be able to eat right there and I will actually get to go out and do things.  I have to find a doctor willing to take me on and all my problems and not change my meds!  

I just don’t know why I am even here.  I spend every moment in pain and misery.  Why the heck didn’t I die two years ago?  There has to be a reason!  No one deserves to live on this much pain and misery and be alone…  

Why Am I Even Here…

I don’t understand why I am even here anymore!  I live every moment of my life in pain.  I can barely even care for myself anymore.  My feet are numb, yet hurt so bad I don’t want to ever be on them.  I no longer have a running vehicle.  I can’t afford to buy food that is good for me and would help me feel better.  I barely survive…

I am grateful for my home!  I thank God every day for it.  Though, my mind feels under constant seize.  Sad, lost and alone.  I have chose to remain just me, as I have found I no longer am able to trust another, let alone feel love.  I have no desire to be with another man, but I do wish my best friend lived here.  To have someone to talk too…  Yet, I find myself preferring to be alone.  Having been married three times and having the last two cheat and leave me, surely has added to all of this.  I found men all seemed to just want sex, so I stopped applying make up or doing my hair.  I was always afraid to be alone.  Now I have come to a place where I do not want to be with another, something I never thought possible.  Though, it is most likely due to no longer having a uterus or ovaries, hormones…

Since 1995, I have dealt with Anxiety, Panic and at times Agoraphobia.  It took me a few years to teach myself to not notice other people, so I could go to the store without having full blown panic attacks.  I have had Depression my entire life.  Even as a small child, I recall feeling very sad and empty…

My two greatest fears were being abandoned and being in pain.  Now I live with both of those.  So, find a way to get passed your fears or you will surely live them!  Now, I wake to horrid pain and spend every waking moment in pain, wishing I would not ever wake again. Barely able to even care for myself or to do the basic chores required of a home.  I am on edge, irritable and empty.  Even noise seems to drive me mad in my mind!  I need it quiet, but my adult son lives with me and when he is home it is rarely quiet.  He will play music loudly in his room, causing my head to feel like it will surely explode.  I do not like to ever leave the house, which I only do when I have a doctors appointment and once a month to obtain groceries with the little I have.  I know eating only naturely occurring food helps with much of my issues, but I only have $150 a month to buy food and household items with.  When you eat only naturely occurring foods, you need a lot of them to sustain you…

I am constantly reminded that the rich can obtain what they need and the poor are left to suffer.  I can not see the point of letting myself suffer every moment of my life, yet I could never end my own life.  I was on my death bed in the summer of 2014, I had a huge surgery to save my life!  For what?  I keep telling myself that I am here for a reason and one day I will have the answers.  As if dealing with a great deal of pain wasn’t bad enough, I also have a depressed and lost mind.  My husband left me a month after that surgery, when I discovered messages from him to his friend stating he was seeing a girl at work.  I asked him to come home and talk, to do something to save the marriage.  He came home only to pack his things and leave, all while I was recovering from a huge surgery that saved my life…

I think of how I wasted all the years when my children were young and when I actually had a family.  I never felt happy, everything was always a great effort for me.  Constantly trying to do the right thing.  I never allowed myself to enjoy the family I had.  Consumed by worry, scared I would loose one of my children.  Only to have my oldest taken from me in a car accident when he was only 16!  A life wasted to worry, fear, stress, depression, panic and anxiety.  Then I was beaten by a gang of men who were going after my neighbor in 2010.  That was the beginning of chronic pain, that has become worse each and every year…

So, I ask this, “Why I am here?”  Surely, I do not deserve so much pain and suffering.  I spent a lifetime choosing what was right, good and just.  No one deserves to be in constant pain and to have a depressed mind with flares of Anxiety and Panic, no matter what they have done or have not done………….

Emotions Unidentifiable …

Twice a year I clean out the cabinet where all the memories of my deceased son lives.  A few things I put together in remembrance of him.  It is emotional every time I clean this cabinet out.  It has been over 12 years and I still have so much inside of me.  Numerous doctors have stated that I have not dealt with my son’s death.  I asked them all, Then how do I deal with it?  They offer up things like, except that he is gone.  I have excepted that.  Sort through your emotions, I have done this so many times.  Go through each of the stages of Grief, Ha… I have done that as well.  I have also read tons of books.  How does one get over the death of their child?

I have been full of all kinds of emotions, yet I am not sure what I am actually feeling.  I met a real nice man, but I just don’t want any kind of relationship and for some reason men always want a damn relationship with me.  I want some good friends and then see what happens.  I really need to identify these emotions and work on them.

I have been non stop busy since I returned home from seeing my family in northern Illinois.  I kicked my daughter out almost a month ago, been home about ten days and every day I am cleaning and organizing another area of the house.  To get it back to good shape.  She destroyed so much.  I still have another ten days worth of cleaning to be done.  Since I can only tackle on decent size thing or two small things a day, due to the chronic pain.  It is getting there though.  It is finally peaceful in my home!  I miss my grandson though.  He went to live with his father before I returned from my trip.  He is safe and happy there, but he has been with me since he was born!  So many emotions!

All I can do is try to keep myself busy until it is all done, then get back to going to the gym three times a week.  I have been in a pain flare the last four days as well!  The gym helps me keep loose and build muscles to support the pain areas.  I have not been in two months………….
   
 

Ready to Fly Away…

I have been seriously struggling with some major depression lately. I have spent the last few days crying for mostly Unknown reasons. I feel like there is something missing from my life and I also feel like I do not mean much at all to my damn adult kids, except for what I can do for them!

To start off, the court date for divorce is postponed. I found out I was supposed to file an “answer” and a “Poverty Packet” so I don’t have to pay the court reporter fees. My EX was pissed when the judge asked me if I will be going for alimony and I said Yes. I turn in the poverty packet tomorrow and I have to wait for that to be approved, then I can file my answer, which is where I list what I want. I know I will be awarded the alimony, I just pray they give me a garnishment of wages so I actually get the alimony. I am guessing the court date will most likely be in May or June for all of that.

Then…. My EX has announced that he is in a relationship, as of Valentines Day, to the girl he has been with this entire time. I don’t miss my ex or want him back, but I do have very hurt emotions about how I was promised to be loved and taken care of and how he swore he would never leave. Just so tired of that shit happening. I do know my emotions and hurt feelings are part of my depression and tears, but I am not sure what all the rest of it is.

And… I had a good Valentines Day. My adult kids got me candy and an edible arrangement. My BF got me a stuffed dog, card and heart full of chocolates. He was over for the weekend, after I had not seen him for three full weeks. He is great when he is here with attention and being loving. I miss the attention when he is not here, but we don’t seem to really talk about much ever. When we are apart he will text a couple of times through the day just to ask me what I am doing or to say he loves me. I like that, but also feel like it is barely anything at all for an entire day. I tend to feel like I am not very important to him.

Further more……. I have decided I am going to my parents house the end of this month for a couple of weeks. For one, I need to be able to relax and rest in order to heal. I have lumps throughout my neck that are swelled. Had a CT and was sent quickly to an ear, nose and throat doctor. He said he did not feel it was cancer, but I had to be checked again in 6 weeks with another CT and see him. I am on antibiotics until then as well. It’s been ten days so far on this round of antibiotics and no change has occurred. This worries me, because if they all don’t go back down to normal I will have to have several biopsies done in April. While at this doctors office he sprayed some stuff up my nose that smelled like grapes. After several minutes my nose became numb and he put a camera up my nose and into my throat and looked at everything. He said we have another tonsil which is not round but long and bumpy and it is locate between the nose and throat. Mine is very inflamed and looks bad. This is also where the pain is coming from too. Hmmm… So much for having a loving husband to be by my side and supportive for me. Much like the two major surgeries I had in the summer and had to be all by myself! For two years now I have lost weight for no reason, I also lost the feeling in both of my feet. I knew something was wrong then and I still know it today. I keep thinking how the only thing that causes weight loss like that is cancer. No, I don’t want that. I feel I have suffered a great deal already in this life and there is no way I deserve more suffering. I do the right thing. I care about others. I have no clue why I deserve what has already happened to me.

Now here we are… The deep, dark depression… I can see I am angry, feel alone and not important to others. I know I have plenty of reasons to feel down. But, being exhausted all the time and feeling sick constantly is really becoming a problem. I can barely get the kitchen cleaned up daily and I haven’t been able to vacuum every day, let alone anything else that needs to be done. No one here will do a damn thing either. My daughter pays for my cell phone, because I watch her son and then tonight she tells me I will have to go without the cell phone for a few days because she can’t pay it on time. This is the kind of crap they do to me. Then I guess I won’t be babysitting for a few days? She knows I won’t do that to my grandson though. I have had enough of struggling to get by on my disability and paying the mortgage here, then I am left with nothing to even by basic needs with. I could take care of myself if I just moved in with my parents. But no, I stay here because my adult kids and grandson have no where else to go. Ugh…… One day I will choose me over anyone else!

Hopefully, going to my parents will do what it usually does. I will be able to rest and heal. I will be able to explore my own mind and find out what all is bothering me very much. Here at home, I am never left alone long enough to think. Normally I would be sleeping right now, but I am stressed out feeling and can’t sleep, so I got back up out of bed and chose to write it here. I will once again do a daily journal of what I find and what I do while at my parents. My BF says it will suck about me being gone, yet I feel like it really doesn’t matter much since I went three weeks without seeing him until I drove the hour to go get him and he barely texts with a very rare phone call. This is for me! I can sit in the sun daily, maybe even have a tan when I come back home, nice! I always feel so much better after a trip there, which I have always said I would be doing twice a year from now on! The weather will be 60’s, 70’s and 80’s while I am there, perfect! Maybe my mom will buy me a bathing, suit since I don’t have one and some jeans too. I don’t have any that fit me. I just need this extra hanging skin to go away and take all the stretch marks with it………….

IMG_4028
“Me with a fake smile”

WOW, Emotional Hell…

I have been dealing with some major depression lately. Two months of feelings of abandonment then I also feel glad to be alone too. The biggest thing for me to deal with, is financial!

I started on a low dose estrogen last night. Since the surgeries took everything out of me, we are hoping the major deep depression is due to no more hormones. Only time will tell. Every single day, when the sun starts to go down, I become severely depressed. Not one day have I not had to deal with this. I also get crazy full body hot flashes through out the day, they do not seem to last very long but they are getting more and more common.

My Ex is still trying to get me to have sex with him. Why? I don’t get it! He has begun to receive his karma. Someone slammed into the back bumper of his precious truck while it was parked in a parking lot and he broke his toe. This is just the beginning. He expects me to type up his letter for him to the IRS. I am such a nice and loving person that I agree to things before I even realize it. So now he will be back by today. He stopped by yesterday and asked me for a kiss. Really!?! Every single person asks me why the hell I was ever with him. He is unattractive and a jerk and no one likes him. I guess I was supposed to teach him things, that’s all I can come up with. There is also the fact that he came along right when I had planned to end my life, so maybe it was to keep me alive. That was 8 years ago and I had the where, when and how all set! I could of used not to have the pain and torture of the 7 years we were married though!

It seems if I were the type of person that could just have casual sex, I could do that on a daily basis, but that is NOT me! Casual sex sucks. I always have to spend time teaching the guy I am with how to do it right! Plus sex without a connection is worthless to me. I feel more confident since I have so many guys tell me I am beautiful, but I still just want that one man that makes me his entire world and never stops. I deserve that and I will find that! It does get disappointing when you find out that everyone seems to only care about sex even when they are in their 50’s! I want the soul connection…

I have been talking to a guy that lives a long way away from me, but I feel a connection with him. I feel like, if we were to meet in person my soul would be over joyed! He is open and communicates well. That being the one thing that I have never been able to find in a man! I am beginning to think he may be the one I have searched for my entire life. So, until the day we meet, I will enjoy our little conversations.

Every night, when the sun begins to set, I feel so badly that I just want to go to bed, because when I wake in the morning, I feel pretty good. Then I repeat this every single day of this dreaded life………….

Depression finds me yet again….

My spouse has been gone well over a month now. I felt happy and relieved of all the negativity he brought into the home. But, now I have been fighting with some serious depression the last few days. I know this happens to me sometimes, but it has been extremely difficult to want to be alive!

All I ever wanted was to be married to one man and be with that man until I died. I didn’t ask for men that lied and cheated, then left! I never deserved any of it! I hate trying to find someone that seems to fit with me. Just a boyfriend to see once a week even would be nice, for the intimate touching and togetherness. I seem to have men that just want to have sex or men that are liars and fakes or men I am not attracted to at all. It seems to me that all men must be liars and cheaters. I have never known a man that wasn’t one. My father even was. I want to find my best friend, that I can talk to about anything. Someone that doesn’t feel the need to drink all the time or lie constantly. And one who has enough energy to go out and do things.

I have an ultrasound this Thursday and next Wednesday I am supposed to get the stent removed from my ureter. I’m also having full body hot flashes several times a day now. Maybe I need to be on hormones.

IMG_3707.JPG

Another Infection…

On Monday, I could not stay awake more than one hour at a time. I became very ill Monday afternoon and evening. I had the chills, goosebumps and a fever. I was freezing even outside here and it’s hot here. I felt so very sick and weak. This went on for 3-4 hours, then it went away and I felt better before bed time.

The next morning I called my doctor to let them know and I was called back quickly and told to go to the ER because I might have an abscess. I spent six hours in the ER. They took urine, blood and did a CT scan with IV contrast. It took forever for the doctor to come in with the results. I have two small abscess’ and a acute infection. I had to get an IV push of strong antibiotics. I have been on antibiotics, so how the hell did I get the infection. I guess because of the damn catheter! It took an hour and a half to get the antibiotics in me and I felt super sick on my way back to the house. They gave me an RX for seven days of the antibiotics, so now I have to go home two days early from here, in time to get a RX called in back at my house and have it to take so I don’t miss any days. One thing after another!

So, today I now have urine leaking out around the catheter and running down my leg. My bladder has been hurting horribly and I’m so darn exhausted. So, I have to wear depends instead of underwear and I have to carry a tote bag around that holds the big bag for the catheter, because I can’t use the leg bag. I had to get something in the store so I put on my long dress and my dad drove me there. At check out I bent forward to sign my slip and I felt urine running down my leg. That is why I now have to wear depends too! I came back to the house and cried! I am so tired of the crap. Always something.

I got rid of the blood and clots and then I get super sick and have an infection, then I am leaking urine. I found that it is common when you have a catheter in for a long period of time. What else happens that is common is for your bladder and spasms to get worse. OMG, I can’t even sit still and not be in pain. I took everything I had and after an hour I finally had some relief. I am at my wits end with all of this. Maybe I should sue, lord knows I have been through hell and it all started with the hysterectomy and the doc not taking extra cautions that would of caught the hole in my ureter right then and there and he could of fixed it right there and I never would of gotten deathly ill or had to have a large incision abdominal surgery, etc… Pain and suffering alone……. I may do it. Lord knows I need the money. I just don’t know if I can deal with the stress of it. I can’t sit for too long or my tailbone hurts so bad I can’t stand it. I just need everything to calm down and for my body to heal and this to be all over with!

My LARGE Abdominal Surgery…

I had a very large abdominal surgery Monday, to fix the hole in my ureter and the hole in my vaginal cuff and remove the large hematoma. When I woke in recovery I was in excruciating pain, even though I had an epidural. My left lower abdomen felt like it was being ripped out of me. I told the nurse and she told me I had meds and I also had surgery so I was going to have pain. I was not supposed to feel anything for two days while the epidural was in me, but I did. She finally figured out that in order for the epidural to cover the spot I was having so much pain from, I had to be tilted to the left and that did help. The epidural helped dull the pain but I still had it. I could feel my legs and move them so it must not of been put in right. For two days I laid in the bed feeling like I was being tortured to death over and over. I had an NG Tube coming out of my nose that went down my throat into my stomach. I did not expect that. I had a drain in the lower right side of my abdomen that was pulling out all kinds of bloody fluid. I did not expect that. I guess I bled a lot and the doctor called me a gusher. I almost needed a blood transfusion. My incision goes from my pubic bone straight up to my belly button, around my belly button and back straight up near the area that my stomach organ is located. It is a very large incision. There are staples all up my belly. I have three types of hard pain I am dealing with. The incision pain feels like a fresh raw cut as well as the drain area. I have a hard stabbing pain going into my abdomen where the drain is located and I am swollen up big with hard cramping worse than child birth. I was not allowed anything by mouth for several days.

On Tuesday through Wednesday, I was allowed ice chips only. They helped the irritation of the NG tube. Let me tell you, NG tubes suck! I had that in until Wednesday morning. It was a relief to be free of the NG tube. The pain was off the charts even with the epidural and I could barely move. Any movement was too excruciating for me to handle. I slept off and on for most of this time and suffered tremendously during my awake times.

On Thursday, they gave me two liquid medication to help my bowels get moving. They said they had to move my novels around a lot. Which scares me of having scarring in the future and blockages. When I asked before the surgery if my bowels would be manipulated in any way, they said NO! I feel so lied to. They let me have clear liquids only on Thursday. In the afternoon I swelled up huge and had horrible gas pains that buckled me over. I kept feeling like I had to have a BM so I had to get to the toilet repeatedly, yet nothing happened. Until, about two hours into this nightmare of pain, that is when I exploded and green liquid filled the porcelain thrown. The gas, severe cramping and deathly ill feeling followed me through the rest of that day. Getting out of the bed was extremely painful. I had wanted to be home by today because my birthday was Friday. They told me I most likely would not be going home until Sunday. How depressing and crappy to add to the most painful experience of my life.

On Friday, my doctor came in and asked if I had a BM, I filled them all in on the nasty details of the pain and explosion. They said how great it was and decided that I could eat actual food on my birthday. I got the nasty cold eggs and unseasoned potato bits. Disgusting jello and a sherbet Popsicle. Oh yeah, I had a cup of coffee for the first time in months, but the milk they gave me was spoiled and as I poured it into the cup of Java it curdled. I checked the exoneration date and it was good until the next day. My mom took the soured milk and my coffee to report it to the nurse. Several people had gotten spoiled milk that morning, my mom did find me another cup of coffee so that was nice, happy birthday to me. I was still in so much pain I couldn’t stand it. I had to get up out of the bed and stand several times, each time the pain ripped down to my bones. When my actual surgeon decided to show his face, he told me if I wanted to go home on my birthday (today) I had to walk two hallways, so I did it, so much pain, but I wanted out of that hell hole, he told me he had to do a bunch of orders, so it would be a few hours before I was released.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to sleep at home. It was hard enough with the hospital bed that raised me up and laid me down. They realized how bad they had done me with my original surgery and my doctor was being extra careful that I did not have any problems. Which is why I wasn’t allowed to eat for four days! I did finally get to go home around 5 pm though. Just the ride home made me cry in pain. Trying to get from the car to my bed was horrible and trying to lay down in bed was the worst of all. I had to keep the very painful drain I me since it was still pulling out fluids. I vow to never have an open abdominal surgery again! I would kill myself before that ever happened again.

They washed out my abdomen with a lot of fluid, so my legs keep swelling and my belly looks pregnant. I’m scared of when I have my first BM at home too. I called and complained of the pain in my drain area and they told me there was no way that was causing me pain. Basically saying it is all in my head. I feel very very sick right now so I need to go……………..

UPDATE: Tube is out…

I went in at 10:30am and had the tube removed from my back between the right kidney and bladder. They do great with sedation there, I slept through most of the procedures. I had the tube put in on Wednesday after they discovered that my right ureter had a hole in it and was leaking into my abdomen then out my vaginal cuff which also has a hole in it.

They put a stent in from my right kidney to my bladder and that stays for three months. If I heal well, the stent can come out then. No more pain in my back from the tube either. I’m exhausted from the sedation so, I have to take a nap.

I found a handful of other women who had the same thing happen to them during their hysterectomy and some of them lost a kidney. Hopefully, mine was caught early enough and it will heal well!

I can sleep on my right side again! The bed is calling for me since the sedation has me very loopy and exhausted! I get to take a shower tomorrow. This last week I had a sponge bath and “B” washed my hair, so I will be scrubbing my entire body.

My abdomen looks a lot better, but it still has a lot of bruising on the lower part and to the right. Good night all! Keep the prayer coming for a full recovery for me………….