The Present Moment…

They saying goes, that if we want to be happy and feel good, we need to remain inthe present moment.  Just this very moment, nothing else.  No Past or Future, no tomorrow or next hour, etc.  That is the secret in DBT, dialectical behavior therapy, which I did for 3 years straight.  The reason we don’t remember things, is because we do not pay attention to each present moment and what we are doing at that time.  It requires you to completely and only focus on right now…

Say you are sitting in a chair, you would describe to yourself exactly what you are doing right then.  “I am sitting in my chair, my legs are bent, I can hear birds chirping, I hear a car driving by, and so on!  The actual present moment.  The same applies to every thing we do. Washing dishes, focus on only that!  The problem is, I keep forgetting to be in the present moment…

We can only do the best we can.  I seem to have to constantly remind myself to just be in today, this hour, this minute.  Do not worry about anything else.  What will be, will be.  Go with the flow and flow with what may come.  It is a daily struggle for me.  Why does it have to be this difficult?  

For me, I have found my mental well being is effected by clutter and messiness.  So, every single day that my body allows me to, I do basic chores.  I feel like I can breathe better too.  I have to complete what I want done in a 2-3 hour window, after that my body won’t allow anything else to be done.  I have found I struggle every single day, in the evening, with depression.  When I have to sit with all the pillows and I try to focus on a TV show or movie.  If only my body would let me do more, to occupy my mind.  I feel down and ever so alone in the evening…

I do the best when I can keep my mind busy.  Living with Panic & Anxiety Disorders, I have become a hermit.  In order to keep my levels down, I avoid people and places when ever possible.  It took me years to figure out many of my triggers and years to stop paying attention to time.  Now I am stuck home even if I wanted to go somewhere, my vehicle died back in 2015, I have no way to fix it.  I also, am unable to eat healthy (which can help), since I have to eat an entire month and get what the household needs on $200!  Oh crap, this is what happens, the stress…forgetting the present moment…focusing on the chaos of my so called life…

It would be nice to have a friend just to even talk to once a week.  Someone to do something with even.  My so called boyfriend, that lives in WI, barely even talks to me anymore.  He lost his job and is dealing with depression, which I understand.  I don’t understand barely talking to me when he is the one that came after me, insisted we were the same and made promises he is not keeping.  Why do men do this crap?  Can anyone be a man of their word?  I am open and talk about everything, he insisted he was too, then why not talk to me about things?  So, he got my hopes up and then ripped the rug out from under me…………

Comfort in Your Own Skin…

I am passing on what I have learned in my 46 years of life.  If I had a question about the opposite sex, I always asked many of them, to come up with what the general consensus had to say.  I learned many things…

1.  When you are completely comfortable in your own skin, no matter the size, men find you very attractive!  I have known several men who were married to very beautiful and fit woman, yet they cheated with woman who were the complete opposite.  Why?  Because the women the cheated with were comfortable in their own skin and put out a vibe that they are sexy just the way they are!  One of the main things being, they would take off their clothes and walk around without a care in the world and that is very sexy to a man!

2.  When you let go and completely love yourself just as you are right now, a light shines within you that others can see.  We HAVE to Love ourselves completely and be comfortable with who and what we are!  No more worrying what others may think of you, because all that matters is what you think of you!  Personally, I for years, worried what others thought and I had a wall up around me to keep everyone out.

3.  We can only truly trust ourself, so stop having expectations of other people.  When you stop the expectations, you find yourself with much less worry and frustration.  This is difficult to accomplish, but not impossible!  You have to remind yourself that you have absolutely NO control over anyone other than yourself, so what someone else does is out of your control, no matter what you do!  You have to come to a place where you rely on yourself and know that no matter what anyone else does, you will be just fine, because you love yourself and depend on yourself fully.  If someone cancels a date or doesn’t show up for an appointment,  it can be frustrating, but we have no control over what someone else does.  We do, however, have complete control over how we react to things!   You can prepare for a date, but do not put everything into that person showing up.  Have a plan of what you will do for you, if they do not show up.  You are a beautiful spiritual being and your own happiness is the most important thing in the world!

4.  Be your own best friend.  That’s right, you can be your own best friend, treat yourself as you would a best friend.  Personally, I talk to myself and comfort myself often!  Again, we have complete control over ourselves and no one else.  So be there for yourself, treat yourself very good.  Pamper yourself.  Love yourself unconditionally!

5.  Start right now!  Begin the most wonderful love affair with yourself.  Look in the mirror and smile at yourself.  Tell yourself how much you love YOU!  Repeat affirmations, which are positive phrases, that help boost your own self esteem.  Why?  Because we can not truly love another, until we truly love ourself!

Stop doing everything for everyone else and put yourself first.  You are, after all, the most important person in the world!  You are the ONLY one who can make yourself happy!  No other person can do this for you.  Eat what you love, do what you love and discover what truly makes you happy………….


So Tired of the Stress…

I had to kick my daughter out again, for the absolute final time.  She has been on drugs and refuses to follow any rules.  She is snorting some sort of pills and is a psychotic mess.  I have called her probation officer and asked them to please drug test her.  She is on probation for beati me in my head while I was driving.  There is supposed to be NO violence, but she has had plenty of violence and nothing is being done about it.  Thankfully she left her son at my house.  That poor kid has been through so damn much.

Now I am stressed out trying to find a way to cover the two bills she was paying instead of paying me rent.  I want to end my constant misery, yet I have begged everyone and anyone for help, to no avail.  When will I just finally give up and stop living in his hell?

I just need the two bills covered for this month.  All the things I have done for people all my life, but no one is there when I need help.  To step so low as I have to beg for help and still be ignored.  Everyone says I am so beautiful and my smile lights up the room.  Yet, I am so depressed and full of fear inside.  A part of me hopes there is something more for me in this life.  I have been through so damn much and I am getting too damn old to be starting over again………….

I broke down and set up an account with Go Fund Me in hopes some people will donate so I can pay the bills.  I shared it on my Facebook and I also included the link below.  It feels so low inside of me.  To get to the point that I have to beg for help form someone.  I thought my family would help me, but they all say they have no money to give.  My parents are struggling to live on retirement now.  That’s what they tell me anyway.  Makes me wonder how they would feel if I blew my brains out.  Would they think, gee, I wish I would of helped her when I had the chance…

Go Fund Me Website is…


So Frustrated…

I have been leaking around the catheter line since the day after I was in the ER and found out I had an infection, even though I was on antibiotics! It seems to be getting worse! I had already resorted to wear a generic form of depends underwear, which suck by the way, because underwear and a pad were not catching all of it and it was running down my leg! Last night I decided I would try wrapping the top of the line where it goes into me with gauze and then secured the exposed part with tape and I put on underwear with a pad. After two hours, my pad was soaked, the gauze was soaked and so was my underwear. I don’t know if it caused more of a leak or I have been leaking that much in the depends underwear, since they hold a lot more than a period pad. So much for thinking I might be able to wear underwear instead of the bulky ass diaper underwear! So frustrating!

Basically, there is nothing I can do about it and I have to have this in until the 10th of September. 30 days total! From what I can tell I will need to wear diapers for a few days while I try to learn how to pee again then. I so want to be done with all of this.

I have been paranoid about getting another infection, so three times a day I wipe it all down with alcohol to sterilize it! My last antibiotic is on Tuesday, I am returning home Tuesday and calling that morning to the doctors office to request they call I more antibiotics to get me until the catheter is removed! I have been on one form or another of antibiotics since July 17th. Yesterday morning and when I just got up there was a line of white urine in the tube. Like watered down milk. I have been passing a lot of white stuff too. I am forcing myself to drink as much water as possible. Did I mention how much I hate water!

Saturday was the first day I did not feel really sick. I actually felt like I had energy too. I even only took one nap. So, I figured the infection finally got beat down enough not to make me sick. Yet, the leaking has increased! I did not leak at all until after going to the ER and finding out I had an infection? Probably just coincidence. I had been thinking the leaking was caused by the infection and that maybe it would go away when the infection went away. I have read though, that when you have a catheter in for over two weeks, it is common for it to leak. The doctor said I would have it one to two weeks. I feel like he lied about every single thing to me. He insists I need it in this long and the benefits out weight the negatives. He doesn’t have to have it in him and hurting him 24/7. Many people say they don’t feel it, but mine hurts at all times, sometimes so bad I want to scream. It’s always a burning and irritated feeling, then it will jab stabbing pains up into me. I have had it in for 20 days and I have 10 more to go! I am having some test done on Friday that checks to make sure your bladder and all is working right and there is no reflux.

I only have two days left here at my parents and then a seven hour car ride back to my home. I so pray my family will be adults and get along and just be a family. I will miss the pure peace and quiet I get here. My parents waiting on me. They show concern for me and talk to me every day. My mom cooks and makes sure I eat right.

I slept about a hour and a half before I just woke and discovered everything wet. So, now I will be up for a bit. At least it is early enough that I should be able to get more sleep. One good thing about being back home is I have a fridge in my bedroom so I can get an ice cold drink when I get up at night. Here, I take a tea to bed and then drink that when I am up in the night and it’s usually pretty warm by then. I love lipton citrus green tea. My parents golf on the weekends. Yesterday they left here at 8:15am and were back at 11:45am. Today they leave at 9am and should be back around noon. Usually when I am here my parents take me out to eat a lot, but since I am attached to a big green bag that holds the big catheter bag, since I can’t wear the leg bag because it causes more leaking and won’t stay up on my skinny legs, I am not really wanting to go out anywhere. On the trip here I had to stop every two hours and get out of the car to move around and carry my bag. People would stare at me. The one bad habit I have is smoking, so I did go into a gas station to get some cigarettes with my bag and had urine run down my leg while I was paying. I have no dignity left.

I really pray I am able to urinate on my own when they take this thing out. I had one in for a couple of hours and I could pee but it burned like hell and took a lot of focus to get the urine out. I was determined though! It seems I get a night of decent sleep the a few where I am up a lot. Send some prayers this way for me, please………….

Foley Catheter and blood clots…

I just wanted to post an update regarding the Foley Catheter I have.

I woke from surgery on August 11th with the Foley catheter in place as well as a drain, an NG tube and a giant incision with over 30 staples.

On Wednesday I saw my doctor to have the drain and staples removed, this was nine days post-op. It burned like hell when they took the drain out. They had me cough hard twice while they did it and the burning pain lasted a solid minute. I did not feel any of the staples as they were removing them. Though they did leave a long hard stitch in my drain area and I kept wondering what was poking me.

When I returned home from the doctors visit I was walking around a lot to pack my things so I could go home with my mother the next morning. That night I started passing blood clots that looked like skinny worms. I continued to have spells where I passed these clots through the next day and it was often followed by some blood. I called the doctors office as soon as I arrived at my parents house. No one called me back, so the next day, I was still passing clots and blood, I called again. I waited all day and no one called me back… Ugh! At 4pm I called my doctors other office and left a message with his nurse, she called me back. I just needed to know if it was normal to pass clots and what I needed to do or watch out for. She said it can be normal to pass clots, but I needed to stop all activity and rest. If the clots got worse or continued after this weekend I was to go to the local ER here. I know the concern is that a clot will clog up the catheter line. I did have a few hours yesterday after noon where I did not have anything coming go out in the catheter bag and I began to worry. The only thing I could of doing was to drink lots of water, to keep it flowing. So, every time I got up I drank a large glass of water. I finally had a whoosh and several clots followed by blood. By the evening I had a bag full of clear urine without a single clot or blood. Yay! And when I dumped I the middle of the night it was also clear with out a single clot. Progress!

I cannot stress enough how important it is to drink lots of water… H2O… To keep the urine flowing and your foley line open. I have to have this catheter until September 10th, which is exactly 30 days. I worry about being able to pee on my own then or any other issue that Can arise from keeping a catheter in so damn long!

I could find anywhere online that told me if the blood clots where normal so I want to make sure I post everywhere I can think of this information. No one should have to sit and worry for days about something. In this day and age we should be able to get answers quickly.

Surgery Tomorrow…

Tomorrow is six weeks from my radical hysterectomy surgery. This last week my bowels finally began to work normally, every day. Due to complication, I will be back in the operating room tomorrow for a big abdominal surgery to repair a hole in my ureter, clean out a hematoma and close the hole in my vaginal cuff. This time I will have a large incision in my abdomen and that is what has me scared! Another 6-8 weeks of recovery, but this time with a large incision and more pain.

I have prepared myself as much as I possibly can for this surgery, yet my nerves are a mess. I am to be at the hospital at 11:30am and the surgery is scheduled for 1:00pm. I have been reassured that everyone is on the same page this time and I will be well cared for with good pain control. So I continue to pray that this is the case and all goes well and I heal with no other issues.

Today I can only consume clear liquids while I do a bowel prep. I have to end the night with an enema and I have to shower twice today with special soap that I scrub into my belly for five minutes. I also have to do this in the morning before I go to the hospital. My blood work is good, so that is reassuring.

I thought I was nervous before my radical hysterectomy with the robot, this is much much more intense. Just so you know, if you ever have surgeries with a robot or laproscopically, don’t worry about horrible pain. The worse I ever had from those were a couple of days of gas pains in my shoulders from the gas they blow up the belly with to see. This time it is the large incision that has me so concerned. I keep telling myself so many others have had it done and made it through just fine. The key is keeping relaxed!

After surgery I will have two days of an epidural to help get me through the first two days that tend to be the hardest pain. In this time I will be focusing on breathing deeply to keep my lungs clear. This prevents pneumonia! I also cannot have anything by mouth these two days, only through IV. When they remove the epidural and start me on oral meds, I will keep calm and get up and walk to get my blood flowing and help me heal! Support my incision with a pillow and be very gentle with it, as to not cause any further trauma to the area. It is extremely important to baby the incision area and the abdominal muscles for a full 6-8 weeks. If you are not careful you can cause a hernia which will result in another surgery and I am not having any more surgeries!

A hysterectomy is normally a very easy surgery to heal from. I just happened to be one of the very few that had something go wrong. What went wrong was not my surgeon, but the staff in recovery who left me in too much pain and did not give me anxiety medications. I went into a full blown panic attack which ripped the stitches inside my abdomen and caused the large hematoma, which caused the hole in my ureter and the hole in my
vaginal cuff. To think tomorrow I would be six weeks out from that surgery and being released from restriction and feeling back to normal. Ugh!

So, here I am today. Trying to keep calm. Get through this day and stick to my well thought out plan for recovery. I am beyond blessed to have my mother coming up to be with me on Wednesday and care for me while I am on strict bed rest with just a few short walking sessions a day for 1-2 weeks. Today I get to eat jello, broth and Popsicles…!

Please, send up prayers and positive thoughts for a speedy healing and a perfect surgery………….

Another Major Surgery…

I saw my doctor again today. Over night I had a reduction in the fluid coming out of me and my belly swelled. He checked and I still had drainage and an opening so he said not to worry about it. The swelling and aching is most likely from some constipation and the fact I had to walk a lot yesterday and today at doctors office and the hospital.

I am scheduled for major surgery on August 11th. I have pre-op next week and another day I go see the anesthesiologist. I have four appointments next week. He is going in with a large incision going up my belly much like a C-section incision. He needs a lot of room to work. I have always feared having to have that done, but he is putting me one epidural for the first two days and promises I will not be left in pain and I will have anxiety meds. He is going to clean out the large hematoma, repair the hole in my ureter and stitch I a stent for while I heal for 2-3 months. He is repairing the hole in my vaginal cuff too. I cannot eat for two days after surgery so everything will be through the IV and I will have a catheter in me for 1-2 weeks. I will be in the hospital 3-4 days then get to come home and be on complete bed rest for two weeks.

The doctor is pissed at all the BS I have gone through and he reassures me that he personally is making sure I am well cared for and not in pain and treated extremely well. This will be my last surgery and it will fix everything. I just need to get through the recovery.

I had made sure my hysterectomy was done by the end of June so I would be healed by my birthday which is August 15th. But now I will be recovering until October. Oh well I guess. I would greatly appreciate all prayers that you can send my way. Thankfully, my mother is coming yo again to be with me for the first week. I have a week to get ready but I am on strict rest so I don’t even know how I am supposed to get a bag packed. I guess instruct others what to do. I asked the to all band together and get the house thoroughly cleaned for me too. I just need everything to go ok and for me to make it through the pain and healing so I can finally be on my way to recovery………….