The weather today here is very windy, cloudy and cold in the low 50’s. This kind of weather tends to make it difficult for me to be positive. My pain levels were very high yesterday and last night. I had to make myself reassess what I need to be doing while I am here and look at the negative thoughts that were consuming my mind this morning.
At first, I had my brother and one sister came to mind. The negative things with them, so I knew I needed to look at that. It is all in the past and I cannot change any of it, but I can acknowledge the emotions and remind myself that I need to not have any expectations of other people. I removed the connection to them from my life, so I would no longer be negatively affected by them and I can choose to remember only the good things that occurred in those relationships, while not obsessing on all the hateful things they did.
Then, I realized I was greatly bothered by a statement my mother made yesterday. She had stated to a friend, in front of me, that I am not old enough to live here. Even though I am the same age my sister was when she lived here and my father told me I could live here if I chose too. I have to remind myself that she was most likely stating that I could not buy a home and live here that way, but I was allowing it to negatively effect me. Feeling that she was saying she did not want me to live here. None of this should be an issue anyway, since I really do not want to actually live here, just be able to get away to here yearly. So, why is it bothering me so darn much? I guess it is the thought that I am having, that my mom really doesn’t want me to be here. However, that is all in my own head. This is what I need to work on!
I have repeated my affirmations and I am faking it until I make it, like I am supposed to be doing. I also need to be taking an hour every day to go into a deep meditation. I did a light meditation yesterday and I really need to be doing a deep one daily. I have to get back on track with the plan I had in place. I wanted to eat very healthy while I was here, because I could and I have not done a good job with that either. I have ate everything available instead of making proper choices. That would be due to not having much food back home and suddenly having food to eat here, so that is expected. There is nothing wrong with that, I just need to refocus.
Our thoughts really do play a huge roll in how we feel mentally. Dwelling on negative things or stuff from our past, is much like a domino effect. It sets off a long line of negative thoughts and emotions. When we can recognize this, we can choose to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. Just be sure that you do not stuff the thoughts or emotions, because stuffing them only causes them all to explode at once. Instead, take a look at the thought or emotions. Ask yourself what you are really feeling. Then remind yourself that you have a choice wether or not you allow it to negatively affect you. You see the thought or emotion, then feel it and assess what it really means to you, then you allow it to move on and replace it with positive affirmations. This does work, it takes time and effort, but you can work through things this way. For me, when I reflect in the morning after I wake up, I usually find that my thoughts or emotions are showing me what is really bothering me when I did not realize it was. Stuffing them back down only creates a huge explosion of it all to emerge at once and you will not even know what is really bothering you when this happens. Be gentle to yourself, reminding yourself that all is ok and wrap yourself in your own love. At the time, it may feel like a darkness that may never leave, but when you really acknowledge each thought or emotion and choose to work through each of them instead of stuffing them, you do find yourself in a beautiful, sunny place with darkness no where to be found………….