When it Becomes too Much…

I am tired of barely surviving.  Tired of the enormous amount of pain I have to deal with every day of my life.  I have tried so many different things seeking something to help me.  Unfortunately, when you don’t have any money, there is not much you can do.  I was able to try Wild Lettuce and it did nothing for my pain.

I know that I have to make a change and soon, or it will be too late.  I can feel it deep inside of me.  I have stayed here as long as I could, but this is no life at all.  Struggling to get by and survive.  As if the chronic pain wasn’t bad enough.  

I am going to have several blocks done on my lower back at the end of this month.  If they help at all, then I will have ablationS done to burn off the nerves, though they will eventually grow back.  Fingers crossed.

Mid December I am going to my parents in Florida for three weeks.  I honestly feel like I don’t want to even bother coming back here.  To the same old crap and struggle.  Maybe I won’t.  Maybe I need to just stay there and be done with everything here, because if I don’t I doubt I will still be alive this time next year…

More Disappointment…

So, “B” decides he is going to change jobs and he starts the new one next week. I had told him to tell them up front that he could not work on the 30th due to my surgery. When he returned yesterday from doing the paperwork for the new job, I asked about the 30th and he said it didn’t look like he would be able to have it off. Really!?! Thank God my mother is driving up here for my surgery. I must of known inside this would happen since I listed her as my next of kin and who can make decisions for me.

It is just so hurtful. I used to be the most important person to him and he followed me around like a lost puppy. I don’t understand why I deserve this. In my greatest time of need!

I have been wondering if all the horrible pain I am in every day of my life will go away after the surgery. I also wonder what they will find once they are in there and can actually see everything. I have a fear of them having to cut me wide open. I do not want that! I have no one to talk to about how I feel and my fears. “B” can’t handle it and everything turns into a fight. My kids can’t handle the truth either. I talk to my mom, but I have to hold back some because she gets upset and worries.

I did get the things made that I needed to do before my surgery. In order to have enough supply while I recover. Laundry detergent, dishwasher detergent, thieves oil blend which I use for an all purpose cleaner and my bug oil blends that I make a bug spray with.

Now next week I have scheduled small tasks each day. One day I will dust my bedroom, another day I will clean the bathroom. Mind you these tasks take me the entire day to perform. Some things I won’t be able to do either. Wash my sheets the day before surgery. All so I can have a clean environment when I get home from the hospital.

The day before surgery is going to be loads of fun, NOT! That is when I have to shower when I get up with antiseptic wash and then go the entire day on a clear liquid diet along with drinking the magnesium citrate and in the evening I have to do an enema followed by another shower with antiseptic wash. When I get up on surgery day I have to once again shower with the antiseptic wash, then through on my clothes and go to the hospital. The wash says to wash the area from neck down for five minutes, then rinse and pat dry. Keep away from the private areas! I never had to do this before surgery before. I guess it is an extra step to make sure the area is as clean as possible. Three showers in a 24 hour period will wipe me out! That is why I only scheduled to wash my sheets that day.

My pain is off the charts. I have to take my grandson to his speech appointment in a few minutes. The area around my left hip is throbbing in pain and it goes all the way down my left leg into my left foot. My daughter wants me to take her grocery shopping too, but I told her I will have to come home and take a nap first………….

Pain… Stress… Worry…

I am having a rough go of things lately. I still hold on to my Affirmations and positive thoughts, but the stress and worry over my health has become a big issue lately. My daughter is also back in with the wrong people and drugs so that adds a lot of stress and worry to my plate.

I have been thinking way to much about the cysts on my ovaries and how the one on the left is very large and pushing my uterus over to the side. I know no matter what the cysts are I will have to have the left one removed, as it is causing many problems. If it is too big they will not be able to remove it through a scope and I much prefer the scope over a large incision which would require way more time to heal and recover from.

I know that if the cysts are cancer I will have to have a complete hysterectomy and start chemo treatment. I fear chemo because I can’t handle the nausea and vomiting associated with that. I know I am getting ahead of myself, because I do not know if they are cancer yet. I only know that I have had signs for over a year that something is very wrong in my body and the weight loss alone has pointed to cancer. So, yes, I am fearful, worried and scared. I know this does not help me and worrying over something I do not have answers to yet is just causing me more problems. So, I have been working hard on not allowing it to consume my thoughts. I had a full day where I broke down over it all, but I think I have it in better control now.

A few years ago my daughter was on Meth and it was with the guy that lived down the street and made the stuff. He has been in prison, but he got out a little over a week ago and he immediately began bugging my daughter. I have caught her in lies and last night she snuck out of the house. I knew she was at his house because one of my cats follows us when we go somewhere and she was sitting in his driveway. I messaged my daughter that I couldn’t deal with her crap again and she had choices to make. She returned home high on something, I am pretty sure it’s meth. She had been drinking, which she does every night, but she had the hyped up energy and she spilled a long story out to me which I knew immediately was all lies. She is acting like she did when she was on the meth before and I just cannot deal with that again! It is only a matter of time now before she takes off or I have to toss her out again. She has psychotic outbursts and she screams at her son like a demon. My grandson has major behavioral issues and I spent over a year getting him to act better and in a matter of three months all my work has been tossed out of the window. He is very bad!