This Life I Have Lived…

I don’t know if it is the full moon or what, but I have been flooded with memories of my life.  All sad, nothing good.  After all, all good things are short lived.  I really should of ended my life when I was a teenager like I wanted too…

I was raped twice, at age 15 and again at age 21.  My father groped me when I was 19.  My childhood involved mental and physical abuse, only to be followed by three husbands that did roughly the same things.  I have never been able to handle crowds or being around a lot of people.  I asked for mental help in my teen years, only to be told that we don’t do that sort of thing.  It is no wonder I am the mess in which I am, just looking at all I have lived through…

Why do I continue to think I might miss something if I am no longer here?  I have NO evidence of that.  Life has proven to me that there will always be pain and suffering.  Come on, I don’t even have a vehicle or a working oven.  Yes, I just thought about Thanskgiving and how I have no way to cook a turkey or any of the other things I always make…

I had a doctors appointment yesterday at 9:20am.  Yesterday was also the death anniversary of my son, 14 years now.  I arrived at the appointment at 9:15am.  After I sat in a busy waiting room (I don’t do well with that) for 25 minutes, I began to have a panic attack and I had to get out of there as fast as my pain riddled body would allow.  Yes, I left, I had too.  Even after returning to my home and taking anxiety medication, I continued for hours to have panic, anxiety and just craziness.  I couldn’t even call the doctor to explain and rescheduled until 3pm.  See, I HAVE to see my doctor, because I HAVE to see him in order to get him to write a letter stating why I need to be on anxiety meds in order for my pain doctor to continue to prescribe me pain meds.  WTF!  The pain doctor read some study stating that people on pain meds and benzodiazepines have a greater risk of death.  Just more BS for me to try to deal with.  I looked into these studies and guess what?  It was due to people being new to the meds, which I am not, and people that also drank alcohol, which I do not!  If I don’t have both of those meds, I am 10 times more likely to end my suffering.  Maybe I should write that up in a letter to the doctor.  

The BS doesn’t stop there.  My general doctor has been prescribeng my mental health meds ever since  my psychiatrist dropped me saying my insurance wasn’t paying.  It took me a year to get in with that damn psychiatrist.  I finally found a psychiatrist under my insurance and made an appointment.  They said I had to see the counselor in order to see the psychiatrist, which was fine with me.  I went for my initial intake appointment.  She wanted to see me every week, but I don’t have a damn vehicle and I have to get a ride from my daughter in law, so I set up to return the following week, but said I would have to do every two weeks after that.  Anyway, they called me the day before my return appointment and told me that my secondary insurance did not have mental health coverage activated on it and I would have to pay $40 everytime I came in. WTF…. I am disabled due to mental health related issues, how the hell do I not have that coverage!  I get the extra help from the state because my income is so freaking low!  I absolutely hate this state, it sucks beyond sucking.  So, I have to call said insurance to try to fix this problem, but I haven’t been able to do it, because my panic won’t let it happen right now.  I did email them and they sent me the contact info of whom I need to converse with in regards to this issue.  Needless to say, I cannot return to see them since I don’t have money to pay them.  Right back to square one again.  

Honestly, it just amazes me that I even get out of bed every day.  I wish I could just sleep all of the time, but my pain won’t allow that!  Oh, let’s not forget that I have to go to court on Monday.  A creditor that is owed a chunk of money is going after me for it.  In my divorce my ex was made responsible for this debt, but you have to be taken to court in order for them to even go after who is responsible.  Great fun, not!  I will have to get up hours before I have to leave.  Get just enough anxiety medication in me to be able to go there.  Wear clothes required by court that will make me entirely too hot and sick.  Survive through the appointment and get my butt back to my safe place, home!  I hate leaving my house!  Have I mentioned how hot it is here?  It feels like hell, literally.  From the 90’s through the 100’s with high humidity…

I did make Frosted Fudge Brownies last night.  I wanted them so I made it happen, then I ate too much and got ill.  Now I still have the mess in the kitchen to clean up.  My life is on a constant repeat.  After I can finally get my body moving, I clean the kitchen from a chair, then I wipe down all the surfaces in the house and I vacuum while in a chair.  This takes hours and hours.  By the time that is done, I hurt so bad I have to sit in a chair with a pile of pillows and I watch tv to try to occupy my mind until I can go to bed.  I wake in the early morning and have to get out of bed, due to the pain, then I repeat it all over again and again. Some life huh…

Look how fat I am getting…

Also, a pic of the brownies…

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Thinking About My Chilhood…

I can remember back to age 4.  Of course, some of those memories are not good at all and some are just strange…

As a kid, I would get sick often and when I had a fever I would see colored spots, so I always knew when I had a fever.  I also felt like a hand was after me all the time.  I have memories of being out back eating at the picnic table with family and that hand trying to get me there too.  At this point, I don’t know if it was just nightmares that stuck with me or what!  

I always knew when the phone was going to ring and if the call my siblings tried to make would be busy on the other end.  I have always had some kind of a connection to spirit.  I also had a friend no one else could see, Elizabeth, she stayed with me until I was an adult.  My son that passed away told me he saw her a few weeks before he died…

I can remember watching my siblings get on the bus for school when I was 4 years old.  I would stand in the large picture window and watch them.  I am much younger than all of my siblings.  From 8 years younger to 11 years younger.  I remember playing in the laundry basket with the clothes pins watching Seaseme Street, then my mother yelling at me and choking me until I passed out.  My sister told me that my mom threw me into the picture window when I was 2 years old, but I do not remember that.  My mom has the mental issue that run in this family, though I can’t figure out where she got them from.  Her mother did not have them, but her father died before I was born…

My brother is the oldest and then I have three sisters.  All of us girls were beat.  I heard my mom say she doesn’t like girls when I was an adult.  Funny thing is, I am the only one that never held a grudge against my mom for the beatings, out of my siblings…

When I was 10 years old, we had to move from NY to Canada.  Moving as a kid sucks!  Canada was ok, I made a few friends, but we were only there for 3 months, then moved to IL.  IL is where kids were very cruel to me!  I often wonder what mylife would be like now if we had stayed in NY.  I dreaded going to school.  I would get very sick to my tummy every Sunday night!  If only I knew then what I know now…

We can’t change the past!  We also cannot be stuck in the past, that just brings negative emotions.  We have to find a way to accept what ever has occurred and move on!  One day at a time, we get through the day!  I finally have come to a place where I am able to toss out the old.  I made a memories book, then threw out all the remaining photos I had, which were a lot! My son has been gone for over 13 years now, so I made a book of him and tossed the rest.  I have always had a cabinet filled with some of his things and I will keep that until I can no longer bring it with me…

 I have been through so much in this life already.  I will be 47 on Monday and I was beat as a child, I have been raped, I have lost a child, been married three times and the last two cheated and left (I left the first after 5 yrs due to him being an alcoholic & we married too young, the next one lasted 16 yrs and the last for 7 yrs), I have been homeless, my daughter is a drug addict and has beat me (she lives on the streets & is often in jail),  my youngest is an insulin dependent diabetic plus an alcoholic and has also beat me (my son that died was the only one who was good to me), I was on my death bed and had to have a giant surgery to save my life while is was recovering my last husband left me, I struggle to make ends meet and even eat…

But, I have come to a place I never thought I would get!  I no longer have a need inside of me to be with a man!  I always felt I had to be with someone!   I have been single for two years now.  I tried dating the first year, but I just couldn’t find someone I could stand…lol!  So, I chose a year ago to just be me and not date or even look for someone else.  Guess what I found?  I LOVE being just ME!  I also found that I NEED Peace, Quiet and Calm in order to feel decent.  It truly is amazing.  I have NO desire to keep coloring my hair, so I am no longer doing that and letting my hair grow out!  No need to impress anyone and no need to attract men that just seem to want sex…lol!  I don’t even wear makeup anymore…

BTW- I HATE autocorrect…lol!

Swimming in the Dark Sea of Depression & Pain!

No matter what I do or say, I am alone. I have no one here for me. I beg and plead or give them space and nothing seems to matter. I am in desperate need of my family to be here for me now. I am alone.

“B” really doesn’t care. He said he has been thinking about leaving me (again) and he goes off for the entire day doing what ever he wants. Even though he promised to put the window in and to clean up the yard. Now he is going to the beach all day tomorrow with my son and his girlfriend. I was not even invited, though I wouldn’t be able to go anyway due to the horrible pain I am in all the damn time.

I balled my eyes out so much for so long last night that they were still swollen this morning. I have not been able to sleep much this entire week either. I went to my pain doctor appointment this morning and I couldn’t be seen because the doctor went home sick. No one called me. I endured the very painful ride all the way to the place and back home again. They said I have to call next Monday for a new appointment. I told them that it would have to be in August and they said that was fine. I am not scheduling anything in July so I can focus on healing after my surgery.

That is if I even make it to my surgery. I have never wanted God to come take me back home as much as I have since last night and all through today. My depression upon the pain, has me walking very slowly with a limp and shooting pain. I have a look on my face like I am extremely tired and miserable, because I am. I feel like a heavy blanket of darkness is wrapped around me and pressing me down to the ground. My head is thick and cloudy. My eyes are burning, red and heavy. I have times where I suddenly feel I can no longer keep my eyes open and they roll up in my head. My neck and shoulders throb and ache horribly! For some strange reason, every time I lay in bed, I itch all over my body. If I can, I will wash my sheets again tomorrow, though I just washed them three days ago. My stomach growls and cramps like I am starving even after I eat. I have been eating way too much. Who cares, I will just get fat again. No attention whether I am thin or fat so it doesn’t really matter does it. The weight loss did not help with my pain either.

I wish I liked alcohol, then I could escape these feelings for a while. I hate the way alcohol tastes and I get sick from even a small amount of it. I just want to not feel anything or care about anything! I am maxed out and I am unable to handle the level I am at now. I need relief, someway or somehow!

So, tomorrow I will be here all day and evening with just my daughter and grandson. Maybe I will find a way to get into the pool and float or walk in the water. It always helped with my pain levels before. Except, it is supposed to be storming tomorrow. Figures!

I laid down the law today. I created a list of house rules and gave everyone here a copy. I then went over it all with them and informed them that violations would be write ups and three write ups would be eviction from my house. I should of done it a long time ago, but I just got to the point where I am completely done! If I have to kick them all out, so be it! No more crap will I take! Even if I end up loosing my house down the road if everyone is gone and I can’t afford to pay the utility bills, so be it! In the rules I listed that I am to be treated with respect, they are to do their chores every day and they will act like adults, get along with no fighting. There were ten rules. I am giving them a warning when they are about to break a rule for a few days to get them used to it, then it is all on them.

I need to get out of this funk and get this house cleaned before I am laid up for two months, but it doesn’t seem like it will happen. I have been dragged down so many times for so long, I fear that I am actually stuck here this time. Maybe I can get myself to bake something tomorrow, that usually helps with my mood when it is so low. All I can do is see what tomorrow has in store for me. The good news is, most of the people here will be gone all day, so much less crap to deal with. There isn’t jack to eat around here and I have been looking repeatedly for things to eat. There is stuff like candy and bread, the things not good for you at all. I have been eating it too, since it constantly feel like I am starving. I had popcorn for dinner tonight. I am off to bed and I am praying for a long, deep sleep………….

Wham… Destruction, Chaos & Depression…

I had two days where everything and everyone was calm. I even was able to get some cleaning done. It is amazing how stress and the people around you can deeply affect your pain levels and mood.

Yesterday, my daughter received her final check from work. She decided not to pay my son for the babysitting he did that week. Even though I told her it was wrong to do that! My son spent the entire day and night bitching at me and telling me I had better do something about it or he was going to have fits of rage and destroy things. He then took anything his girlfriend bought for the house and put it in his bedroom, which included the fabric softener I have her buy since I pay for the stuff and make the laundry detergent. I told him not to do the crap to me and make my life even more of a hell or take it out on my grandson. He said they would not be taking him to his therapy appointments anymore. Hours upon hours of him going at me and telling me I better kick my daughter and grandson out of this house or I would have hell to pay. Of course, my pain levels went through the roof. I cried and I told my daughter she had better find a way to fix this mess she created. She feels like she did no wrong since he refused to watch her son and she had to quit working. They are both way too immature!

Instead of being glad they actually have a mother and roof over their head, they are making my life a living hell. My son even told me that I was going to loose everyone if I allowed my daughter to stay here. Wow! Last night I decided I was no longer going to struggle and fight to stay alive. Not in this hell I live in. I just can’t do it anymore. My pain levels are beyond help when I have to deal with them and their petty crap. I am going to give it all until Wednesday and see if he does all the crappy things he has threatened, then I will decide if I need to dig really deep down inside for the strength to get me out of this hell I live in. I had thought things were finally settling down and I might actually get to live and survive this life.

I finally heard from the hospital about my hysterectomy surgery. They said it would be after next Tuesday before they could call me with my surgery date. That the doctor was out until then and he had to look at their OR schedule and his schedule and see when he could fit me in. Geeze, now if wonder how long it will be before I finally get the surgery. I have felt hungry all the time and been eating way too much, I have gained almost ten pounds in this last month. Not good. Depression, stress, worry and pain are just sucking the life right out of me! My family actually could help me through all of this and help me have less pain if they would grow up and get along and put me before their own crap. They will be very sorry one day, but it will be way too late by then. The stress of it all also has me smoking way too much.

I cannot even sit here without horrible crushing pain. I was unable to go out for breakfast this morning because of the intensity of the pain. I don’t get the offer to go out very often and it sucks that I was unable to go today! I wish I would just go to sleep and never wake up. I know when you finally give up completely, your body will die. Why I continue to hold on to even the tiniest of things is beyond me. I more than deserve some peace in my life. I do the right thing and I always care for others. I have lived through way too many tragedies in this life too. Shall I count the ways……

1. Lost my son to a car accident when he was 16 in 2003!
2. Lost my sister to cancer in 2000!
3. Survived a gang attack in 2010!
4. 2nd husband cheated and left and I lost everything I worked years for in 2006!
5. I survived being poisoned by that same husband too!
6. Deathly ill in 1984 with mono which I had again in 2006!
7. Tonsils removed in 1983, tubal in 1992 & gallbladder in 2005!
8. Had a lingering case of 5th disease back in 1994, was extremely ill for months on end!
9. 16 years of mental abuse from 2nd husband 1990-2006!
10. Given a conclusion from hubby #2 in 1991!
11. Current husband up and left me in 2009 for 5/6 weeks!
12. Years of severe panic attacks and agoraphobia where I couldn’t leave my home for six months at a time, which reoccurred every two years like clock work. 1995-2001, sporadic issues since as well.
13. Physically abused by youngest son in 2006 & 2007!
14. Severe depression, panic attacks, anxiety and borderline personality disorder for most of my life!
15. Locking my bedroom door at night for fear of my son!
16. Living with absolutely no support what so ever from my family!
17. Multiple counts of rape!
18. Molested as a child by more than one person!

I could keep going, but that’s the jest of it all I guess. The top traumas being the loss of my son and surviving the gang attack. Both of those left me with PTSD issues and deep trauma that has never healed. There is no way to get over the loss of your child. He was the one child I had that was always here for me and we were very close. I ask myself often what the hell I had done that was so horrible to deserve this life. If I could go back to around age 14, I would change it all in a heartbeat. I would never have children, the pain of loosing one and then dealing with the hell the other two have given me! I would pay attention in school and go on to college and make a career for myself that I loved. I would never have to count on anyone else. But, we cannot go back and change anything. We only have what is right now, before us. There is not much I can do with the way things are. I have to get out one way or another. Whether I physically up and leave or I go back to live with God again. There has to be an end to this nightmare. I could go live with my parents, though I will have loneliness issues there. I cannot run from my mental problems, they are always with me. I am going to be 45 this year and I cannot even remember a joyous time in my life, even as a child I was riddled with fear and panic. I feel like I am backed into a corner. It’s pretty sad when you have to leave the house you own in order to survive any further in life. I could toss everyone out, but I wouldn’t be able to pay the utility bills. I ran my own business and made very good money. I have lived both ends of the stick, rich and poor. I worked hard and had everything I ever wanted, just to have it all ripped from me in a blink of an eye………….

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Dark circles under my eyes. No make up, because it takes too much energy to apply! This is where I spend most of my life, in the bathroom, alone!