WHY???

1.  I want to know why the doctors refuse to give me the medication that works the best for my panic disorder here, yet others seem to get it prescribed and turn around and sell it!  It pisses me off!  Alprozolam/Xanax is the absolute best medication for my panic disorder.  I was on that for over 10 years and that medication stops the attacks while also allowing me to feel completely NORMAL.  I Had tried many different medication, most that did not work at all.  I was originally put on Xanax down here back in 1995. When I moved back here, I was told they couldn’t give me that anymore.  They tried Klonopin, but that made me feel drunk and I don’t drink.  They put me on Ativan/Lorazapam.  This medication helps, but takes an hour to work at all and causes me to feel even more tired.  Xanax was made for someone just like me.  I was told that Xanax has a high abuse level and that is why they wouldn’t give it to me.  Let me tell you, I have NEVER abused medication, I have NEVER sold my medication and I have NEVER even shared my medication!!!  So, I am not allowed to be on the one medication that helps the most and allows me to feel normal.  WTF…

2.  Why is it that doctors never seem to give enough medication to actually cover the massive pain you live with every day of your life?  For the last 7 years I have been living with major intractable pain, that gets worse every damn year.  It took 6 years to just get on a medication that actually does help some.  After trying several different non-opioid medications that caused me to be severely depressed or suicidal or swell so bad I couldn’t walk at all.  Now the CDC is going after opioid medication like a steak dangling before a starved dog.  They are putting doctors in jail whose only crime was prescribing life saving opioids to patients in horrible pain.  The patients that are able to get up and go to work only because they have opioid medication to help them accomplish it.   The CDC wants ALL opioid medication gone by 2019.  That’s right, even the ones used in the hospital after surgery!  They are saying that we have an opioid crisis and people are dying.  The problem is they are grouping all the drug addicts that die from heroin and street drugs in the same group as chronic pain patients, because heroin is an opioid.  So what this does is take away the life saving medication from real pain patients.  Now these patients can no longer get up and go to work. Several have already taken their own lives, because the pain (untreated) is more than they can endure.  Many states here in the USA have adopted the CDC guidelines as rules and they have taken all the opioids away from the chronic pain patients there, or at the very least they have cut the medication way down.  This terrifies me, because if or when this happens to me, I will be one of the ones that is forced to just end my life.  Yes, you are going to see a massive increase in suicides over the next two years.  Just do a search online for “opioid crisis”. You will see the many things that the CDC has already started.  

3.  Why am I constantly being punished for being poor?  I worked for years and made very good money.  It is NOT my fault that I became disabled or that my ex-husband chose to walk out on me while I was recovering from  two major surgeries that saved my life.  Yet, every time I turn around, I am being punished for being poor!   If I had money, I would be able to pay the $100 for the Neurobehavioral Exam I need in order to obtain the Spinal Cord Stimulator, which may very well help with my constant intractable pain.  If I had money, I could get much better treatment and the best medications.  If I had money, I could afford to eat healthy, which would most likely help me on many levels.  But I don’t have money.  I struggle every month just to survive.  Let me break it down for you in my monthly bills and income: Mortgage-$482, Electric (budget billing) $158, Gas (budget billing) $42, Water-$90, RX copays-$30 = $802.00. My income per month is $813.00. That leaves me with $11.00 a month to buy toilet paper, personal hygiene items, etc.  I receive $200 a month in Foodstamps to replenish food items I need (like sugar,flour & condiments) and buy food to feed me for the entire month.  This is very difficult to do, so in order to have food to eat every day, I have to pick the cheapest options.  These are also the NOT good for you options.  My vehicle quit running two years ago and I don’t have money to have it fixed, plus I don’t have funds to pay for insurance or gas anyway.  My gas range (stove/oven) quit working over a year ago, again I do not have funds to have it fixed or buy a new one.  The dryer is on its way out as well.  Yes, I have tried everywhere here for any kind of help and there is none!  

Ok, that’s enough, I am feeling extremely depressed now………….

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Been Sick for over Two Weeks Now…

What seems like clock work, every other year I get sick with the flu or some other virus and then I end up with either bronchitis or pneumonia.  On December 17th, I woke with a scratchy feeling in my throat and chest.  That night the chills set in and a fever of 102.8!  For 3 nights this repeated, but the fever was a little lower each night.  A dry non-productive cough annoyed me night and day!  Not able to sleep and barely could eat.  After 13 days and feeling like I could not breathe, I finally got in to see the doctor.  Pneumonia!  Had a breathing treatment, received shots of steroids & antibiotics in my hip.  Sent home with prescriptions for antibiotics, cough syrup and a powder inhaler.  It took a full three days (today) before I finally started to feel any better at all.  I was able to sleep most of the nig last night, but I still have the dry cough.  I can also eat now.  I have a pain in my right side that wraps to my back, right in the lower rib cage area.  This started a week ago and is still constantly killing me!  Like endless torture…

My immune system has been messed up ever since I had Mono when I was 14 years old.  Or maybe it’s always been messed up.  As a kid I got sick all the time.  Why can’t I find a doctor that will actual do something?  I have had Mono twice, your not supposed to be able to get it again.  I had fifth disease that stayed with me for months, when it should not have!  If I could afford to eat healthy, I would do so much better.  The answer is simple, go live with my parents.  Except, it’s not that simple.  I have to find homes for my animals that I saved over the years.  I did not know at the time, that my husband would cheat and leave, which put me in this position of lack of funds to survive!  

This is the year for change!  I am not going to continue to sit here alone suffering.  I have given my adult kids more than enough time to stand up and help out and they won’t.  I Must put my health first!  I will do what I can over the next few months and then I need to move on…

I often wish I would just die in my sleep, so I no longer have to suffer………….

UPDATE:

I saw the doctor today and he said I have a hole in my right ureter that is leaking urine and blood out into a large area of blood then out the hole in my vaginal cuff. Today they took the drain out that did nothing but hurt, but put a tube into my back from my right kidney down to my bladder. It is attached to a bag. The urine and blood from the hole is now going into the bag. Which is what it is supposed to do and I don’t have as much running out of my vagina. I go back on Friday for them to remove the tube and put in a stent that I have to keep in me for three month. The tube coming out my back hurts a lot and when I breathe in it hurts even more.

I spent ten hours today going from the doctors offices to the vascular center where they put the tube in and took out the drain. I just have to make it until Friday with this pain and carrying around a bag full of urine and blood. They said the stent will not cause me pain like this tube because it will not be sticking out my back.

I cannot sleep on my right side and that is how I sleep. I did nap when I got home on my left side to sleep off the sedation. I have already had to dump the bag as it had 250 ML of blood and urine in it already.

The doctor messed up and cut my ureter! I have been living in hell! I need all the prayers I can get so please send some up for me! If they did not put this tube in me I would of lost all function on the right side of my urinary tract. I wish I could sleep until Friday………….

I was in the Hospital again…

So, after two days of leaking out watery blood that was smelling horrible I called the office again, this time they told me to go to the ER. This was on Thursday. I went in to the ER and my BP was very low, blood in my urine, hemoglobin very low and high platelets. The called my doctor in and his 2nd came to the ER. I do not like this women! She did a pelvic exam, finally, she pulled out chunks of stuff and cleaned around inside and it HURT! She said there is a hole in my vaginal cuff and proceeded to say I had to of put something in there, when I did NOT! The stuff coming out of me is an infection and the hole in the cuff was letting it come out of me, which was good in a way. They made me drink contrast for two hours and then a CT scan. Scan showed also an infection abscess in my lower left abdomen, where it has hurt me since surgery. I was admitted to the hospital and started on IV antibiotics plus and oral antibiotic. My left urethra line goes right through this abscess too.

The hospital here sucks! I swear they try to kill you. They wouldn’t give me my regular pain meds so I had to have someone bring them to me. I was sick as hell and couldn’t sleep. They said they couldn’t understand how I could be walking and talking and not have a high fever. My BP remained very low the entire time in the hospital and they were giving me my blood pressure meds! Idiots! They made me sicker!

They wanted to put a drain into my abscess but the machine broke down so I had to wait until the next day. Machine was still down so I had to drink contrast for two hours again and get another CT. The abscess was still the same. I waited a couple of hours and they finally got the machine up to do the drain. They inserted a line into the abscess and it felt like they were scraping me inside. They could not get much out of the drain but hooked up the suction bulb and told me to make sure it keeps suction by opening the valve and squeezing then closing the valve. I wanted to go home and they said I could after the drain, but then they were freaking out about my blood levels being so low so I had to wait for more blood work. I would have to get a blood transfusion if it did not improve at all. My hemoglobin was 6.8 and the blood work came back with it up a little to 7.2 so they finally let me go home Saturday. I felt horrible there and I just knew if I stayed any longer they would of killed me.

I am still leaking fluid out of me and they said it would be two weeks. So two weeks of depends! Sucks! I still have blood in my urine. The horrible smell from the stuff coming out of me went away though. I take one antibiotic three times a day and another one once a day. I feel better being home and on all of my medications. I guess the infection is very bad and will take time to get better. They said I could of died easily. Why do I keep having so much crap happen to me?

The drain site is extremely tender and sore. Only about an 1″ of the abscess fluid has Come up in the drain so far since it was put in Saturday. The fluid is very thick like jelly and blood colored. I see the doctor on Wednesday and hopefully the drain will get to come out then. I need this all to heal and get better so I can get better. I can’t wait to be past it all and it will be just a memory!

If I could go back I would never have the surgery. It was supposed to help me with all the pain I am in and all it did was make shit worse and about killed me. I don’t know if the doctor screwed up and caused this or I just get to be the lucky 1% that crap happens too. Please, if you read this, send up some prayers for me to heal and get better………….

Post Surgery, Radical Hysterectomy with both ovaries and tubes removed…

I had a Radical Hysterectomy on Monday June 30th. I don’t even remember going into the OR, I just remember saying good bye to my mom then waking up in recovery. I was in horrendous pain. They refused to give me the only thing that touched the pain, saying that when they gave it to me my respiration went down to six per minute. Then I was just left there. I was told they were trying to get a room for me, but couldn’t find one. WTH!?! I had this scheduled for a while, how is there no room. I was left for several hours in torturous pain and I was not even given any of my normal medications while I was left there. I made sure everyone was aware of my chronic pain, depression and panic disorder prior to my surgery! Since they did not prevent the pain or my panic, I ended up in a full blown panic attack which wrenched up my abdomen in all kinds of ways. I pulled stitches and still have a set that are bleeding two days later. My stomach swelled up like I am pregnant with the right side much larger than the left.

I was sent home from the hospital the next day even though the said they would not send me home if I was in pain and that I had to pass gas, which I still have not done. To date that was the most torturous thing I have ever went through, just add it to the list.

I am still in way too much pain and I feel very sick. I am sleeping short spells then the pain makes me get up. I came home from the hospital with a prescription for 10 mg more of the medication I am already on. Needless to say, that is not doing much for me. Every time I wake up I pray I will Hurt less. It has been two days now. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I should of made them all write a plan on how they were going to manage my pain before I had the surgery, instead of trusting in them.

I am also having spells of crying. More joy! All of which, cause my belly to hurt even more! I will try to write more tomorrow and I hope this all makes sense, because I feel like I do not make sense.

Swimming in the Dark Sea of Depression & Pain!

No matter what I do or say, I am alone. I have no one here for me. I beg and plead or give them space and nothing seems to matter. I am in desperate need of my family to be here for me now. I am alone.

“B” really doesn’t care. He said he has been thinking about leaving me (again) and he goes off for the entire day doing what ever he wants. Even though he promised to put the window in and to clean up the yard. Now he is going to the beach all day tomorrow with my son and his girlfriend. I was not even invited, though I wouldn’t be able to go anyway due to the horrible pain I am in all the damn time.

I balled my eyes out so much for so long last night that they were still swollen this morning. I have not been able to sleep much this entire week either. I went to my pain doctor appointment this morning and I couldn’t be seen because the doctor went home sick. No one called me. I endured the very painful ride all the way to the place and back home again. They said I have to call next Monday for a new appointment. I told them that it would have to be in August and they said that was fine. I am not scheduling anything in July so I can focus on healing after my surgery.

That is if I even make it to my surgery. I have never wanted God to come take me back home as much as I have since last night and all through today. My depression upon the pain, has me walking very slowly with a limp and shooting pain. I have a look on my face like I am extremely tired and miserable, because I am. I feel like a heavy blanket of darkness is wrapped around me and pressing me down to the ground. My head is thick and cloudy. My eyes are burning, red and heavy. I have times where I suddenly feel I can no longer keep my eyes open and they roll up in my head. My neck and shoulders throb and ache horribly! For some strange reason, every time I lay in bed, I itch all over my body. If I can, I will wash my sheets again tomorrow, though I just washed them three days ago. My stomach growls and cramps like I am starving even after I eat. I have been eating way too much. Who cares, I will just get fat again. No attention whether I am thin or fat so it doesn’t really matter does it. The weight loss did not help with my pain either.

I wish I liked alcohol, then I could escape these feelings for a while. I hate the way alcohol tastes and I get sick from even a small amount of it. I just want to not feel anything or care about anything! I am maxed out and I am unable to handle the level I am at now. I need relief, someway or somehow!

So, tomorrow I will be here all day and evening with just my daughter and grandson. Maybe I will find a way to get into the pool and float or walk in the water. It always helped with my pain levels before. Except, it is supposed to be storming tomorrow. Figures!

I laid down the law today. I created a list of house rules and gave everyone here a copy. I then went over it all with them and informed them that violations would be write ups and three write ups would be eviction from my house. I should of done it a long time ago, but I just got to the point where I am completely done! If I have to kick them all out, so be it! No more crap will I take! Even if I end up loosing my house down the road if everyone is gone and I can’t afford to pay the utility bills, so be it! In the rules I listed that I am to be treated with respect, they are to do their chores every day and they will act like adults, get along with no fighting. There were ten rules. I am giving them a warning when they are about to break a rule for a few days to get them used to it, then it is all on them.

I need to get out of this funk and get this house cleaned before I am laid up for two months, but it doesn’t seem like it will happen. I have been dragged down so many times for so long, I fear that I am actually stuck here this time. Maybe I can get myself to bake something tomorrow, that usually helps with my mood when it is so low. All I can do is see what tomorrow has in store for me. The good news is, most of the people here will be gone all day, so much less crap to deal with. There isn’t jack to eat around here and I have been looking repeatedly for things to eat. There is stuff like candy and bread, the things not good for you at all. I have been eating it too, since it constantly feel like I am starving. I had popcorn for dinner tonight. I am off to bed and I am praying for a long, deep sleep………….

Wham… Destruction, Chaos & Depression…

I had two days where everything and everyone was calm. I even was able to get some cleaning done. It is amazing how stress and the people around you can deeply affect your pain levels and mood.

Yesterday, my daughter received her final check from work. She decided not to pay my son for the babysitting he did that week. Even though I told her it was wrong to do that! My son spent the entire day and night bitching at me and telling me I had better do something about it or he was going to have fits of rage and destroy things. He then took anything his girlfriend bought for the house and put it in his bedroom, which included the fabric softener I have her buy since I pay for the stuff and make the laundry detergent. I told him not to do the crap to me and make my life even more of a hell or take it out on my grandson. He said they would not be taking him to his therapy appointments anymore. Hours upon hours of him going at me and telling me I better kick my daughter and grandson out of this house or I would have hell to pay. Of course, my pain levels went through the roof. I cried and I told my daughter she had better find a way to fix this mess she created. She feels like she did no wrong since he refused to watch her son and she had to quit working. They are both way too immature!

Instead of being glad they actually have a mother and roof over their head, they are making my life a living hell. My son even told me that I was going to loose everyone if I allowed my daughter to stay here. Wow! Last night I decided I was no longer going to struggle and fight to stay alive. Not in this hell I live in. I just can’t do it anymore. My pain levels are beyond help when I have to deal with them and their petty crap. I am going to give it all until Wednesday and see if he does all the crappy things he has threatened, then I will decide if I need to dig really deep down inside for the strength to get me out of this hell I live in. I had thought things were finally settling down and I might actually get to live and survive this life.

I finally heard from the hospital about my hysterectomy surgery. They said it would be after next Tuesday before they could call me with my surgery date. That the doctor was out until then and he had to look at their OR schedule and his schedule and see when he could fit me in. Geeze, now if wonder how long it will be before I finally get the surgery. I have felt hungry all the time and been eating way too much, I have gained almost ten pounds in this last month. Not good. Depression, stress, worry and pain are just sucking the life right out of me! My family actually could help me through all of this and help me have less pain if they would grow up and get along and put me before their own crap. They will be very sorry one day, but it will be way too late by then. The stress of it all also has me smoking way too much.

I cannot even sit here without horrible crushing pain. I was unable to go out for breakfast this morning because of the intensity of the pain. I don’t get the offer to go out very often and it sucks that I was unable to go today! I wish I would just go to sleep and never wake up. I know when you finally give up completely, your body will die. Why I continue to hold on to even the tiniest of things is beyond me. I more than deserve some peace in my life. I do the right thing and I always care for others. I have lived through way too many tragedies in this life too. Shall I count the ways……

1. Lost my son to a car accident when he was 16 in 2003!
2. Lost my sister to cancer in 2000!
3. Survived a gang attack in 2010!
4. 2nd husband cheated and left and I lost everything I worked years for in 2006!
5. I survived being poisoned by that same husband too!
6. Deathly ill in 1984 with mono which I had again in 2006!
7. Tonsils removed in 1983, tubal in 1992 & gallbladder in 2005!
8. Had a lingering case of 5th disease back in 1994, was extremely ill for months on end!
9. 16 years of mental abuse from 2nd husband 1990-2006!
10. Given a conclusion from hubby #2 in 1991!
11. Current husband up and left me in 2009 for 5/6 weeks!
12. Years of severe panic attacks and agoraphobia where I couldn’t leave my home for six months at a time, which reoccurred every two years like clock work. 1995-2001, sporadic issues since as well.
13. Physically abused by youngest son in 2006 & 2007!
14. Severe depression, panic attacks, anxiety and borderline personality disorder for most of my life!
15. Locking my bedroom door at night for fear of my son!
16. Living with absolutely no support what so ever from my family!
17. Multiple counts of rape!
18. Molested as a child by more than one person!

I could keep going, but that’s the jest of it all I guess. The top traumas being the loss of my son and surviving the gang attack. Both of those left me with PTSD issues and deep trauma that has never healed. There is no way to get over the loss of your child. He was the one child I had that was always here for me and we were very close. I ask myself often what the hell I had done that was so horrible to deserve this life. If I could go back to around age 14, I would change it all in a heartbeat. I would never have children, the pain of loosing one and then dealing with the hell the other two have given me! I would pay attention in school and go on to college and make a career for myself that I loved. I would never have to count on anyone else. But, we cannot go back and change anything. We only have what is right now, before us. There is not much I can do with the way things are. I have to get out one way or another. Whether I physically up and leave or I go back to live with God again. There has to be an end to this nightmare. I could go live with my parents, though I will have loneliness issues there. I cannot run from my mental problems, they are always with me. I am going to be 45 this year and I cannot even remember a joyous time in my life, even as a child I was riddled with fear and panic. I feel like I am backed into a corner. It’s pretty sad when you have to leave the house you own in order to survive any further in life. I could toss everyone out, but I wouldn’t be able to pay the utility bills. I ran my own business and made very good money. I have lived both ends of the stick, rich and poor. I worked hard and had everything I ever wanted, just to have it all ripped from me in a blink of an eye………….

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Dark circles under my eyes. No make up, because it takes too much energy to apply! This is where I spend most of my life, in the bathroom, alone!