When it Becomes too Much…

I am tired of barely surviving.  Tired of the enormous amount of pain I have to deal with every day of my life.  I have tried so many different things seeking something to help me.  Unfortunately, when you don’t have any money, there is not much you can do.  I was able to try Wild Lettuce and it did nothing for my pain.

I know that I have to make a change and soon, or it will be too late.  I can feel it deep inside of me.  I have stayed here as long as I could, but this is no life at all.  Struggling to get by and survive.  As if the chronic pain wasn’t bad enough.  

I am going to have several blocks done on my lower back at the end of this month.  If they help at all, then I will have ablationS done to burn off the nerves, though they will eventually grow back.  Fingers crossed.

Mid December I am going to my parents in Florida for three weeks.  I honestly feel like I don’t want to even bother coming back here.  To the same old crap and struggle.  Maybe I won’t.  Maybe I need to just stay there and be done with everything here, because if I don’t I doubt I will still be alive this time next year…

Saw the GYN Oncologist today…

I saw my GYN Oncologist today. The CA-125 tumor marker blood test was 11.9 which is within a normal range. He stated he does not feel the growths are cancer, but I do have a decent size growth and fibroids which are causing me to have very heavy periods and increased pain. He said we could do ‘Watchful Waiting’ for three months or I could have a complete hysterectomy where he takes everything out, even my ovaries. I opted for the complete hysterectomy and I will be having it done with the use of robotic arms. I should receive a call by next Wednesday with my surgery date and the date to do all of the pre-op stuff. They said he is booked solid the next couple of weeks. I am hoping for it to be in June, anytime in June! The pre-op day I have to go to his office for an exam, testing and paperwork, then immediately after go to the hospital for an EKG, X-ray, blood work and to speak to the anesthesiologist. I must remember to make sure they are very aware of the amount of pain medications I am on for chronic pain so they can offer me enough medications in the hospital after the surgery.

The use of the robotic arm should allow me to leave the hospital the next day and I won’t have to deal with a large incision in my abdomen, which is super important to me. I do still have a 6-8 week recovery period though. I just want to know when it will be so I can get planned and organized for the day.

I am still having my two adult children come to me complaining about each other. Even though I have said repeatedly that they need to grow up and handle it all on their own and talk to each other? My son was complain a few months back about my daughter eating all the food they bought, now she is complaining about him eating all the food she bought. SMH! I for one, can no longer take the bickering and bantering back and forth! They are 25 and 22 years of age, grow the hell up now! I want to hide in my own house and keep headphones on so I don’t have to hear any of it and I don’t have to hear my daughter screaming at her son. Yes, big changes are coming! My birthday is August 15th and that is D day. Decision day, where I make the final decisions as to what is best for me and my health, without worrying about anyone else. They just have no clue how easy they have it here. I have always worried about all of them before I even considered myself and now I am in an environment that is killing me. It is sad when you hope you do not wake up after surgery so you no longer have to live in such a negative place! I need peace and quiet and I need loving support!

I am exhausted just from having to drive my daughter to work and pick her up every day this week along with the two doctor appointments I had. If I lay back in the chair in the living room I am quickly falling asleep, until someone yells or slams something anyway! My daughter is the queen of manipulation, but I know her too well and as soon as she got in the car when I picked her up today she started on me with wanting to go out and do something. Guess what, I am exhausted and I am not able to watch your son. I did not have any help at all with my three children and she has so much help her it is sickening how she complains about it all. How about everyone here just shut the hell up!

I am praying I sleep in tomorrow. Having to get up early to take her to work has been rough for me. I have to get up at least 1 1/2 hours before the time I have to leave, so my medications kick in and I can move about. Driving increases my pain levels too. I am not worried about the surgery, but I am concerned about being put on estrogen after the surgery which is what my doctor wants to do since the surgery will put me into instant menopause. I have an aunt, a nana and her two sisters that all had breast cancer after being on hormone therapy. I am currently researching natural ways to help instead of having the hormone therapy. I am off to bed now………….