Comfort in Your Own Skin…

I am passing on what I have learned in my 46 years of life.  If I had a question about the opposite sex, I always asked many of them, to come up with what the general consensus had to say.  I learned many things…

1.  When you are completely comfortable in your own skin, no matter the size, men find you very attractive!  I have known several men who were married to very beautiful and fit woman, yet they cheated with woman who were the complete opposite.  Why?  Because the women the cheated with were comfortable in their own skin and put out a vibe that they are sexy just the way they are!  One of the main things being, they would take off their clothes and walk around without a care in the world and that is very sexy to a man!

2.  When you let go and completely love yourself just as you are right now, a light shines within you that others can see.  We HAVE to Love ourselves completely and be comfortable with who and what we are!  No more worrying what others may think of you, because all that matters is what you think of you!  Personally, I for years, worried what others thought and I had a wall up around me to keep everyone out.

3.  We can only truly trust ourself, so stop having expectations of other people.  When you stop the expectations, you find yourself with much less worry and frustration.  This is difficult to accomplish, but not impossible!  You have to remind yourself that you have absolutely NO control over anyone other than yourself, so what someone else does is out of your control, no matter what you do!  You have to come to a place where you rely on yourself and know that no matter what anyone else does, you will be just fine, because you love yourself and depend on yourself fully.  If someone cancels a date or doesn’t show up for an appointment,  it can be frustrating, but we have no control over what someone else does.  We do, however, have complete control over how we react to things!   You can prepare for a date, but do not put everything into that person showing up.  Have a plan of what you will do for you, if they do not show up.  You are a beautiful spiritual being and your own happiness is the most important thing in the world!

4.  Be your own best friend.  That’s right, you can be your own best friend, treat yourself as you would a best friend.  Personally, I talk to myself and comfort myself often!  Again, we have complete control over ourselves and no one else.  So be there for yourself, treat yourself very good.  Pamper yourself.  Love yourself unconditionally!

5.  Start right now!  Begin the most wonderful love affair with yourself.  Look in the mirror and smile at yourself.  Tell yourself how much you love YOU!  Repeat affirmations, which are positive phrases, that help boost your own self esteem.  Why?  Because we can not truly love another, until we truly love ourself!

Stop doing everything for everyone else and put yourself first.  You are, after all, the most important person in the world!  You are the ONLY one who can make yourself happy!  No other person can do this for you.  Eat what you love, do what you love and discover what truly makes you happy………….


Filling Your Karma Account with Positive Credits…

We all have Karma.  What we put out, is what we get back.  So, each positive thought or affirmation is like a positive credit in your Karma account.  The goal being to have more positive than negative.  Like a buffer for any negative thing that occurs.

For example, let’s say you start each day with positive affirmations.  Those affirmations are each a credit in your account.  So, we say 5 positive affirmations and we deposit five positive credits.  Through out the day when a negative thought comes in your mind, then that takes away a positive credit, but if you immediately change that negative thought into a positive one and say it out loud, you can stop the withdrawal of a positive credit.  It balances out.  If you have a bad day and cannot help the negative thoughts, you could easily go into the negative in your karma account, so you want to build up as many positive credits as possible on the days you are feeling good.  Each thought and each action that is positive, is a positive credit.  When we help others or do good/nice things for them, we feel better and we deposit much more positive credits.  The more we do this, the better we feel!

Try to make each day start with positive credits into you karma account.  Affirmations and good intentions followed up with doing nice things for others.  Make an achievable goal that you can make each day, like 10 credits per day and work towards that goal every single day.  Remember, everyone has bad days, so do not get yourself down when this happens to you.    

Being still, silent and just relaxing is a daily practice we all need to have.  Our intuition and gut tells us so many things.  Yet, you must be quiet in order to hear it.  Nothing is more important than your happiness and well being.  Make the time, if even just a few minutes a day, to give yourself that silence and connection to your own spirit………….


Catch Your Thoughts….

For the next 24 hours, pay attention to your thoughts and when you have a negative thought, turn those negative thoughts around and speak out loud something positive instead. Catch yourself before you say anything negative out loud. If your feeling pissed off over something, then say out loud a list of positive affirmations. Just commit to trying it for the next 24 hours.

Sometimes we slip and revert back to negative thoughts, but being mindful of what we are thinking can and will lift your mood and create much happier days. What is being mindful? It is focusing on the here and now. What we are doing and thinking right now. Being in the present moment. Not the past or the future. There really only is the here and now. The past is over and cannot be changed. The future has not occurred yet. Being mindful creates a much happier future.

Cutting the people out of your life that bring negativity and sadness is by far an important first step. We need to be surrounded by happy people so we can be supported in a positive way. Sometimes we cannot cut every single negative person out of our lives, but we can change how we let them affect us and our thoughts. It is much easier to feel good when you are surrounded by positive people. In the end though, we are in control of our own thoughts and action regardless of how others act. I trimmed my friends list down to two close friends and just a couple of people I know and occasionally speak with. Friends can help lift your mood and they can also be a damper on our moods.

Next, you need to give yourself a few moments a day where you can sit quietly with nature and just be in that present moment. I sit on my back porch either early morning or late at night and I listen to the sounds of nature. I identify every sound I hear. Doing this brings you into the present moment. I focus on my breathing, making sure my tummy rises and falls with each breath. Counting to five as I breath in slowly and then counting to five as I exhale slowly. This is rhythmic breathing. Doing this also places you in the present moment. Clearing your mind of any thoughts as they pop up and just focusing on the breath and the sounds you hear. Doing this is so important! It is more important than anything else, so make the time to do this daily, even if it is just ten minutes.

Our minds are very powerful! The thoughts we allow shape our days and our moods. In the beginning you have to fake it until you make it. Catch those thoughts that are negative and change then to positive ones or affirmations that you speak out loud. We have the power to create anything we so desire. All you have to do is be mindful and focus your thoughts. The number one thing people say they want is to be happy. So, every single day, say out loud, “I AM HAPPY!” Look in the mirror and smile at yourself! No matter your life’s situation, you have the power to feel happiness. All you have to do is choose it.

Think A Different Thought…

We all have certain beliefs, expectations, and patterns of thought about certain subjects that seem natural to us, because we have practiced those thoughts for so long. The number one reason it’s hard to get out of a rut or create change is because we keep thinking the same thoughts about a given subject. Jolt yourself out of an energy rut by forcing your mind to view things from a different, more favorable perspective, and then try to hold that new perspective for as long as possible.

Find the positive in the situation. When you realize you are sitting at home and feeling bored, change that feeling by focusing your attention onto something positive. It could be as simple as being grateful that you have a home to sit in. Or that you have the extra time in your life to feel bored. There is a positive in every single thing, you just have to move your focus onto that positive.

As they say, madness is doing the same thing and expecting different results. If you are wanting something to be different in your life, or just wanting to create some excitement, the change has to start with you first. There are no boring lives, only boring people. So if you want a different result, take a different action, even if it is small one.

If you find yourself with the time to be bored, you are a lucky person. So many people would give everything just to have a moments peace with nothing to do. How we look at our situation will impact how we feel over all.

A lot of times, when people want something or someone in their life to be different, they automatically start from a place of negativity and lackfulness, which undermines the change they are hoping to create. “I hate my job, I wish I had a different one” will continue to bring you more experiences that reinforce that same belief. A simple shift to, “I’m grateful for having a job and am in the process of creating an even better one” can be really impactful. This new statement puts you in a more powerful vibrational place of appreciation and hope rather than desperation. Always act as if what you want is already on its way to you and a part of your life already. What’s showing up in your life isn’t necessarily what you want. You’re simply getting a reflection of what you already believe about yourself and your world. A belief in lack only creates more lack. Creating change from a present place of appreciation and abundance is much more powerful than a feeling of lack.

This is where Affirmations are so important. Stating the things you want in your life as if they are already true. “I AM Happy!”

All of your power is exactly in the Now. The past and future are literally figments of our imagination. Tools for the mind to be able to string experiences together into a linear fashion. The Universe only understands now, now, now. Take advantage of the infinite potential that each moment holds when it is unclouded by regrets from the past and worries about the future. Remember, changing your energy vibration in the current moment is literally shaping your point of attraction for the future. So getting happy now is actually like making an investment in your future.

We cannot change things from the past so we do not need to waste our energy on them. We do not need to waste our energy on what might happen in the future. We need to focus on the here and now and create the beautiful life we have always dreamed of, by stating that we already have all those wonderful things.

Don’t ignore your intuition. 95% of the information we get from a person or situation is non-verbal in nature. Pay attention to how something or someone is making you feel. Your emotions are your guidance system and will never fail you, when you learn to quiet your mind and tune in. Your instinct will steer you in the right direction and help you create positive change if you learn to listen.

Meditation will help you learn to quiet your mind. How to breathe deeply and slowly and relax your entire body. I know my intuition has never been wrong. When I meet someone I quiet myself and just listen to what my gut tells me. If it tells me to stay away from that person, I listen.

The BOLD and Italic typing are my personal statements………….

Day 21, Words Unspoken

One thing is for sure, I tend to way over think situations and create words that were never spoken. For instance, when I cannot seem to get ahold of someone I may begin to think things like: what is he doing? Why can’t he return my calls? I haven’t heard from him this entire day…. I am creating words that have no evidence of being true or real. Next, I play all kinds of possible situations that would be taking up his time and they are never positive ones. This causes a mountain of chaos within my mind and I find myself assuming that the possible situations are actually occurring. Later, I always find out that none of those things were actually happening.

So, how do I stop creating words that were never spoken? First off, I need to actively be aware of the thoughts that pop into my head. Then, I need to ask if these thoughts come from a loving and positive place or if they come from a fearful and negative place. If they are fearful and negative, then I know they are not my real thoughts, because only positive and loving thoughts are real and true to our hearts. Once we become aware that the thoughts are not coming from our heart, we can choose to view them as coming from someone else. We can see and hear these thoughts, just like we would if someone else was sitting with us and carrying on a conversation. They are not our thoughts so we can also choose to not take them personally.

I have found this to be very helpful in my quest to discover what is true and coming from love. After all, we create words and even play out situations that we think may be occurring, but are not. Why do we do this? Partly from how we were raised to react to things or what to expect in certain situation and partly from the years of our lives and what we have gone through.

When we were young and we witness something happen with our parents, this created a data base of how to react or think in those situations. In our years of life we may have experienced some horrible boyfriend/girlfriends in which we were deeply betrayed or hurt. Therefore, when we fear those situations may be happening again, we create the exact feelings and fears that we had when we went through them before, even if they are not real this time.

Just knowing this is a step in the right direction. Now we can see why we feel the way we do and we can view the negative thoughts as separate from ourselves. I have many daily goals. From being sure to take my medication on time to being attentive to any thoughts that pop up in my mind. Goals are important and we need them to accomplish things and to feel good about the things we do get done. Even if you just practice viewing your thoughts for a few moments a day, you will find that you can quickly notice which thoughts are positive ones and which thoughts are negative ones. Give it a try and let me know how it works for you………….

Day 12, Trip to the Butterfly Museum…

Yesterday, my mother and I went to the Butterfly Museum and Gardens. That was a beautiful place. A large enclosed room with tropical plants, hundreds of different butterflies, birds, lizards and waterfalls.

I did very well and walked slowly through the beauty of the place. Then, we walked through a wolf exhibit and through an area on Florida’s Native Americans who originated here. I was having a great deal of pain at this point so I went to the bathroom to take my medications. I was late on taking them though. The Butterfly room was having their daily release of the newly emerged butterflies at 2:00pm, so we went back there. I did pretty well for about a total of two hours of this entire trip.

I sat on a very hard bench through this, due to my pain levels, I had to sit down. The place became packed with people. Not only did I have to deal with increased pain levels, but now I was engulfed in the panic of way too many people packed around me. By the time my mother could get back to me, I was in a world of hurt. I attempted to walk through to the other side to exit and I could not make it. My mother asked for us to be able to leave through the entrance and they helped us out. My mother found a wheel chair on the other side of the door and had me sit in it. A man yelled that we couldn’t use it because it was for emergencies only. My mom told him this was an emergency and they went to retrieve me another wheel chair. I began to ball my eyes out. I was completely embarrassed and in so much pain all I could do was wish death would come to me immediately. When they arrived with a different wheel chair, it was hard and had no padding. I had to hold the left side of my body up off of it while my mother wheeled me out of the building. I covered my face with my free hand and tried to pretend there were not a ton of people starring at me. She parked me out front while she went and got the car and I moved to the bench instead of the hard bar for a seat in the wheel chair. We stopped and grabbed a small bite to eat and a drink so I could take additional medications and by the time we arrived back home I was doing much better.

The over whelming amount of negative thoughts that flowed through my mind caught me very off guard. As if all the work I have done on being positive was thrown completely out the window. I was able to get back to the positive thoughts after the intense pain levels went back down to the normal pain levels though. During that time of immense pain and uncontrollable negative thinking I felt so lost and very hopeless. I do not want to give up and not be able to do things that get me out of the house and in nature or beauty. I need to find a way to live life and enjoy things, despite the pain! I went down the list of what I could of done differently to save myself the amount of pain I ended up in. I should of taken my medications on schedule and not allowed myself to push them back. I know I do not do well if I have to sit on hard surfaces, so I guess I should of brought a pillow? I know I cannot be walking around much even though I go slowly and take my time, so I needed to limit that more.

While in the midst of the pain and I was so overcome by it all, I had no control over my own thoughts. The negativity jumped front and center and took over. I repeated to myself, “Everything is OK!” “This will pass!” And yet the negativity just kept going on and on. Now that it is all over, I am able to see positive thoughts and look back on the situation with learning in mind. I just wish I could find a way to stop the negative thoughts from coming front and center when I am overwhelmed in so much pain. Maybe I need to focus more on accepting them and releasing them than actually stopping them. Like, “it is ok to think that in this situation, but I am going to choose a more positive thought instead.” I do believe that is going to be one of the biggest obstacles for me to over come………….

I have been Thinking……

Yes, I have been thinking and sometimes that brings a wave of the emotional roller-coaster. My thoughts have been to when I lived in Southern, Illinois. It is a farming community and I had my dream home there. It was quiet and I did not have neighbors close by. That I do miss greatly! Funny thing is, I think back to it all the time and miss it and hate that I had to leave. I was going through my old journals. I used to write every day in them and I did that for years. That is something I am going to start up again, because I forgot all the things that happened to me while I lived there. It was not until I read some of my journals that I was able to see why I did let myself leave there even though I had my dream home. If I had not been writing daily in a journal, I would still be thinking that place was all roses.

To my surprise I read how much turmoil I was in with my best friend. A best friend since age ten and she was the only person I knew there and the reason I chose to live there. I completely forgot all the horrible things I went through with her and how on three separate occasions in the five years I lived there, I shut the door on our friendship. The way she took sides with a drug addict when my daughter said she was touched Inappropriately. When she decided to divorce her husband and drag me in the middle of it all, shortly after my son died. I love her very much and I always will, but I had forgotten how bad things got. I could of fought and probably stayed in my dream home, but I chose to get out of there because of all the crap that was always going on. I have been remembering things all wrong, until I read my journals.

I began writing in journals back in 1993 or so and I did so until around 2007. So I picked up one of my many empty journals and began writing again today. I wonder how much I have been remembering differently than how it actually happened. Sometimes we need to be reminded of why we chose certain paths. Writing in a journal is a very therapeutic thing to do. You get out your feelings and you can look back on them to see where you were and how far you had come. I also saw how many of my current struggles were struggles back then too. I have not learned from those things if they are still occurring today. One thing is for sure, when you write in a journal, you don’t have to worry about loosing it if something happened to your computer and your online blog. If you do one thing for yourself, make it to write in a journal daily. Time goes by quickly and before you know it, a decade or more has passed. Maybe you were thinking about something that happened too you. If you write in a journal, you can go back and see exactly what it was and how you handled it. Plus, I found that when I made goals in my journal, I accomplished them…


Story of MY Life in Small Sections – Part Two

Today I am going back to when I was age four. That is the earliest memory I have and, of course, it’s a bad one…..

The year was 1973, school was in session for all of my siblings. My brother is 11 years older than I am. My three sister are 10, 9 and 8 years older than I am. (15,14,13,12). I was always excited to watch my siblings get on the bus every morning. I would stand behind the curtain of the giant picture window and watch them waiting for the bus, then boarding the school bus. I can remember this like it was yesterday. I felt excitement and I just couldn’t wait until I could get on that big bus with them. On this particular day, I waited excitedly as my siblings boarded the school bus and after it drove away, I went back to sit in front of the large TV that was playing Sesame Street. My mother was in the kitchen. I climbed into the laundry basket and played with clothes pins as I watched the show. I clipped each clothes pin to the next until I had a long chain of clothes pins. I remember my mother said something to me, but I just can’t recall what it was or what my response was. Suddenly, she was next to me screaming at me and then she lifted me out of the laundry basket and placed me on the floor. She smacked me a few times and the next thing I knew, her hands were around my neck and squeezing hard. I couldn’t breathe and my body was in a panic. Why was she doing this to me? Everything became dark……. I remember panicking and then I must of passed out. I have no memory of anything that happened after that. Just darkness…… I think she must of panicked herself when I passed out and being a nurse, she probably did what she could to get me breathing again.

I have many memories of my mother loosing is and abusing all of us kids. I was smacked around and thrown into the picture window once, that I recall. My mother would just plain snap into a psychotic person and then the beating would begin. I can also remember my parent fighting in the kitchen and throwing things at each other. One particular time, I was peaking around the corner into the kitchen as they fought and my mother threw the bottle of Sacrin (little pills of sweetener) at my father and it busted and the tiny little pills went everywhere, even near where I was peaking into the kitchen. I started to pick them up and my sister, Sheryll, came up to me and grabbed me and told me not to do that and just come to the bedroom with her. My one sister was always there for me……. I grew up very close to her and I miss her so very much now that I live so far away.

I think I have Never stole a thing in my life, because the day my sister, Sherry, stole a candy bar from a store and they called my parents, that is a day I will never forget. I was 5 years old and my sister was 14 years old. When my parents came home with my sister, my father was yelling at her and he took her upstairs to her room. I was downstairs in the living room and I could hear it all. My father whipped her repeatedly and her screams sent terror through my entire body. I remember yelling out, “make him stop, he is going to kill my sister!” I am the only person I personally know, that has NEVER stole a single thing In their entire life. I guess the possibility of death for that crime was enough to make sure I never did it!

I have absolutely no memory of my brother ever getting a beating and my sisters all said he never did. I guess he was treated differently because he was male. My mother always said she preferred boys over girls. I was a giant accident for my parents. See, my parents and all of my siblings were born in Massachusetts. Religion was against any form of birth control and that explains why my parents had four kids by the time they were 18, but my mothers doctor in Massachusetts found a way to give her birth control pills, by saying it was medically necessary. They moved to New York when my father transferred jobs. The doctor in New York told my mother that she would most likely never become pregnant again since she had been on such a high dose of birth control pills. My mother never had a period after they stopped the birth control pills. Surprise, your pregnant and here comes baby number five! I guess my father immediately went in to get himself fixed after that. They had hoped I would be a boy, but unfortunately, I was another girl. Strangely, there are NO pictures of me from when I was born. The first picture of me was when I was around three months of age. I spent most of my young years believing that I must of been adopted. All of my siblings had the same initials, SBH, but then there was me and my initials were LAH. My mom insists she just did not like any other S name. My mother had the five of us and she kept special needs foster children too. She was so emotionally unstable I have no clue how she did that. She also baked the best tasting cakes ever and sold them. I loved when she would bake cakes, because I would always get the frosting that was left in the icing tube…… To this day, if I eat too much sugar, my tongue gets a tickling feeling in it and I cannot eat anymore.

My childhood, age 0-10, was full of abuse and some cool things as well. I was born in New York and I had many friends. Then we moved away and my life changed so greatly for the negative, I often wonder what my life would of been like if we had never moved away from New York. We moved a couple of times during my tenth year of life, then we settled in Northern, Illinois and the children were horrible to me. But that’s a whole different post for another day…..

Story of My Life in small Sections…. Part ONE!

I have decided to look back at the things in my life that were horrific in hopes that it will allow me to move past them…

The year was 1984, I had just turned 15 years old and the school year had begun. I lived behind the high school so I walked to school each day. I did not have very many friends, because I had been picked on ever since I moved to that area, Northern Illinois. Much like any teenage girl I craved attention. I wanted someone to want me and to love me. I did not realize back then, that it was next to impossible for a teenage boy to really be in love. As I walked to school, a really nice car kept driving past me. Finally, after multiple times of this vehicle going by, it stopped. The window rolled down and there was a nice looking boy behind the wheel. I had never seen him before, so he must of been from another town. He said, “Hello there Beautiful!” Of course, that got my attention and I walked closer and said Hello back to him. He wanted to know if I would go out on a date with him. I told him I didn’t even know him and how was I to trust him. I remember his smile like it was yesterday. I felt good inside when he smiled. We talked for a few minutes and I then informed him that I needed to get to class so he left. Every day for a week, this boy showed up while I was on my way to school. He asked me every single time to go on a date with him. I finally relented and said OK. He was to pick me up at 8 pm the next night, which was a Saturday. I was excited and thought about where he might take me for our date. I knew he was older than me, but not by much. I assumed he was probably 17 years old. He arrived promptly at 8 pm and I got into his really nice car with a big smile on my face. I asked where we were going and he said it was a surprise. We drove for about twenty minutes and then we pulled into a subdivision of houses. I asked what we were doing there and he said he wanted to watch a movie and he made me a nice meal to enjoy. I felt uncomfortable and I was a bit worried, but I loved the attention he gave me and I agreed. There was only one person home in the house and that was another boy near the same age as me. He introduced me to him and then took me on the tour of the house, ending in his bedroom, of course. I was very uncomfortable there! He began kissing me and pushed me back on the bed. I tried to resist and get back up, but he would not let me move. He pressed me down hard into the bed and forcefully removed my pants. I was terrified and I have no clue why I didn’t scream. I kept telling him I didn’t want to do this and I wanted to go home. He kept on as I begged him to please just take me home. He forced himself into me. Tears ran across my face into my hair and I felt so much fear. I didn’t fight him, I just laid there….. I remember staring at the ceiling and then the next thing I remember is him getting off of me, he was done…… He left the room and told me to get dressed. As I put on my pants I felt nothing, nothing at all. As if I wasn’t even there and it was just a dream. I walked out of the room and he was standing there in the living room waiting for me. He said he would take me home now and we went to the car. Not a word was spoken the entire drive home. I felt empty and just stared out the window. He dropped me off and immediately left. I remember walking into my house and going straight to my room. Still not feeling like any of it was even real. I don’t know how long I sat on my bed, but I eventually fell asleep and woke the next morning. I knew what had happened, but I still felt empty inside and like it was a dazed dream. I did finally cry that day…… Somehow I stuffed it all inside me and went on trying to not even think about it.

Years later, when I met who would be my second husband, I saw the boy who raped me. The memories came flooding back and I told my then boyfriend about what he had done. He just told me he never liked him anyway. What a small world we live in. I never thought I would ever see that boy again. After that day, where I saw him once more, I never did see him again. I felt so much anger inside of me. I wanted to kill him. He was just one of many who only wanted to have sex with me. He was one of five boys that raped me!