Panic & Anxiety, Stressing Out…

I’m have to go to court tomorrow, in my divorce my ex was made responsible for past debt, but the debt was in my name, so I am being brought to court by them trying to collect.  I am hoping all I have to do is show the judge the divorce papers and he can sign off so they can go after my ex.  But……. Having panic, Anxiety and Agoraphobia I always freak out before ANY appointment and it always starts the day prior.  So here I am, panicking about having to leave my house, having to wear the only thing I have allowed in court (which will make me hot and I get ill when I am hot) and having to be around way too many people!  To top it all off… I have to do the once a month grocery shopping on Tuesday and I have a doctors appointment on Thursday…

I just can’t seem to get myself to calm down or relax at all.  My medication for panic doesn’t seem to be doing a damn thing.  My entire body is wrenched up tight.  I can’t see right, my heart is racing and my limbs feel tingly.  I barely get any sleep the night before appointments as well.  Heck, I only slept 5 hours last night.  I want to go to bed right now, even though I won’t sleep, just to get some sort of relaxation.  Why do I have to be like this???

I am also stressing about not having an oven that works.  For some reason I am thinking about Thanksgiving, guess I won’t be able to cook this year.  Stressing about the dryer, which is on its last leg.  Everything comes up in my mind when my panic gets going.  I want to stop thinking, just be blank…

Writing tends to help.  I have already wrote 6 pages in my journal, so I am trying to write it out here too.  Back before the pain, I would pace and that would help, but now I can’t do that.  I guess I will try to sit in the bath, then just go lay in bed and listen to a guided meditation, until the pain makes me get back up again………….

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The Present Moment…

They saying goes, that if we want to be happy and feel good, we need to remain inthe present moment.  Just this very moment, nothing else.  No Past or Future, no tomorrow or next hour, etc.  That is the secret in DBT, dialectical behavior therapy, which I did for 3 years straight.  The reason we don’t remember things, is because we do not pay attention to each present moment and what we are doing at that time.  It requires you to completely and only focus on right now…

Say you are sitting in a chair, you would describe to yourself exactly what you are doing right then.  “I am sitting in my chair, my legs are bent, I can hear birds chirping, I hear a car driving by, and so on!  The actual present moment.  The same applies to every thing we do. Washing dishes, focus on only that!  The problem is, I keep forgetting to be in the present moment…

We can only do the best we can.  I seem to have to constantly remind myself to just be in today, this hour, this minute.  Do not worry about anything else.  What will be, will be.  Go with the flow and flow with what may come.  It is a daily struggle for me.  Why does it have to be this difficult?  

For me, I have found my mental well being is effected by clutter and messiness.  So, every single day that my body allows me to, I do basic chores.  I feel like I can breathe better too.  I have to complete what I want done in a 2-3 hour window, after that my body won’t allow anything else to be done.  I have found I struggle every single day, in the evening, with depression.  When I have to sit with all the pillows and I try to focus on a TV show or movie.  If only my body would let me do more, to occupy my mind.  I feel down and ever so alone in the evening…

I do the best when I can keep my mind busy.  Living with Panic & Anxiety Disorders, I have become a hermit.  In order to keep my levels down, I avoid people and places when ever possible.  It took me years to figure out many of my triggers and years to stop paying attention to time.  Now I am stuck home even if I wanted to go somewhere, my vehicle died back in 2015, I have no way to fix it.  I also, am unable to eat healthy (which can help), since I have to eat an entire month and get what the household needs on $200!  Oh crap, this is what happens, the stress…forgetting the present moment…focusing on the chaos of my so called life…

It would be nice to have a friend just to even talk to once a week.  Someone to do something with even.  My so called boyfriend, that lives in WI, barely even talks to me anymore.  He lost his job and is dealing with depression, which I understand.  I don’t understand barely talking to me when he is the one that came after me, insisted we were the same and made promises he is not keeping.  Why do men do this crap?  Can anyone be a man of their word?  I am open and talk about everything, he insisted he was too, then why not talk to me about things?  So, he got my hopes up and then ripped the rug out from under me…………

Decisions…

Isn’t it funny how when we are kids we want to make all our own choices and decisions. We don’t listen to our parents. Now, I find myself asking my mother what I should do all too often. I do not want to make choices or decisions anymore. I want someone else to handle it. I am overwhelmed and stressed to the point that I know I must find a way to relax and soon!

My adult kids go into it again. My son refuses to watch my grandson any longer. I don’t know if I should try to watch him myself or not. Actually, I do know, I cannot do it. I am already having trouble driving her to and from work. Though, It just feels so wrong to make her have to quit her job. She cannot afford to pay a regular babysitter. She pays my son $2/hr. And then doesn’t have much left afterwards, less than what she paid out for babysitting even. My son would watch him no problem, if she leaves and doesn’t come back, but leaves her son here again.

Her attitude is horrible. No one would want to deal with her the way she is, but at work she is completely different. She is an alcoholic too. I fear her taking off with my grandson, because she can be violent. She is very childish! I am so tired of being in the middle of this crap. Everyone wants her gone and they constantly bomb me with it. She has to be severely bipolar because she goes from one extreme to the next is a matter of seconds.

I do know that I have been so overly stressed out that I get double vision, dizzy and sick. That has to change before my surgery or I won’t heal and I will get sick. I have gained 8 pounds in the last two weeks of this crap! Even though I track all my food and I have a band that tracks my movements and it says I burn off more than I eat. That right there is STRESS!

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I am looking for everyone’s point of view here and what you all think would be my best course of action. The stress is making it impossible for me to think. So, please post away with your thoughts………….

I Feel Like A Daisy…

“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Try writing down the phrase “I feel like a ———” and then
toss out the first ten nouns that come to mind: pizza,
orchid, sword, whatever. Now read over what you’ve written
and see what rings true. Do you really feel like an orchid?
In what way? Be as irrational as you can be. The less you
keep the rules, the more your mind will begin to use words
as vehicles to convey the sense of your experience, rather
than as rigid structures that limit your thoughts and feelings.
~ Revealing Ourselves: The Art of Self-Disclosure, Martha Beck

Why do I feel like a daisy? Because I am pretty and I smell good and I flourish in the spring time. That was the first word that came to my mind, daisy. I love Martha Beck and I agree with her statement. Words are a powerful thing. The more we explore words the wider our horizon becomes.

When we find ourselves in a depression, we need to distract our mind away from the darkness. Even the smallest of things can help us pull ourselves up and out of that dark place. My mother was feeling depressed (it is genetic and we both suffer from it) and she was invited to a dinner, but did not feel like going. She made herself go and ended up feeling much better. They all wound up taking about words and their proper usage. Just a simple conversation, but it distracted her away from the depression and onto looking up words. She was with friends and they had a good time talking to each other. Having a friend to talk with and help distract your mind is awesome. I miss being near my best friend and seeing her regularly. But do not forget, we are our own best friend as well. We can always help ourselves in times of need just like a friend can.

One of my siblings is the kind of person that does not cry in public and does not talk about anything bothering her. When someone meets her the first impression is that she is a very cold bitch. Excuse my swear word, but that is the best word for it. She stares at people and her face makes one wonder why she hates them so much. I don’t think she realizes this, but it definitely comes across as her being mean, judgmental and scary. She was recently fired from a job for bullying in the form of exclusion and gestures. She does not understand how this could be true, but if she would step back and really look at things she might see that just the looks on her face along with her body language causes one to feel very intimidated and scared. Prior to being fired she had been told she needed to take a class on how to interact with others and I couldn’t agree more. I wanted to talk to her about it all and help her see what she was doing, but I did not. The reason I did not do this is because she is scary and she does NOT like to talk about feelings or any of it. If she could get to a place where she could step back and really look at herself without judgement she might be able to begin to understand why she has found herself in such a lonely and dark place. We cannot help someone who does not want the help and who does not want to see the truth in their own actions. So I stepped back and just gave her a hug and let it all be. If she ever gets to a place where she wants to change herself, then she will have my full support.

The only person we can change is ourselves. We cannot change another person, but if they want our help we can assist them in their own recovery. Only if they have already chose to change themselves. We have to accept people as they are, because nothing we do or say is going to change them. We can lead by examples of ourself, but in the end change can only be found when each person chooses it for them. Just knowing psi time statements and voices them is not going to completely change anyone. My sister says very smart things and sounds as thought she understands how to be positive and yet her actions are the complete opposite. We start by using positive words and creating a habit of them, then we move on to our actions.

Having morals is a good way to know what is right for you and what is not. Much like we setting up boundaries for ourselves. So we know who we are and what we stand for. I have written down my beliefs. Like, I believe animals should always be protected. I believe that we do not actually die when our physical body dies. I have looked at the kind of person I want to be and I made of list of those qualities. I then also wrote down what types of things are right and what are wrong, so I had a basis to go back to when I felt puzzled by a feeling or occurrence. I always ask myself if something is positive or not. Is it coming from love? Is this the right thing to do for me? We are all different so what is right for me, may not be right for you………….

I have been Thinking……

Yes, I have been thinking and sometimes that brings a wave of the emotional roller-coaster. My thoughts have been to when I lived in Southern, Illinois. It is a farming community and I had my dream home there. It was quiet and I did not have neighbors close by. That I do miss greatly! Funny thing is, I think back to it all the time and miss it and hate that I had to leave. I was going through my old journals. I used to write every day in them and I did that for years. That is something I am going to start up again, because I forgot all the things that happened to me while I lived there. It was not until I read some of my journals that I was able to see why I did let myself leave there even though I had my dream home. If I had not been writing daily in a journal, I would still be thinking that place was all roses.

To my surprise I read how much turmoil I was in with my best friend. A best friend since age ten and she was the only person I knew there and the reason I chose to live there. I completely forgot all the horrible things I went through with her and how on three separate occasions in the five years I lived there, I shut the door on our friendship. The way she took sides with a drug addict when my daughter said she was touched Inappropriately. When she decided to divorce her husband and drag me in the middle of it all, shortly after my son died. I love her very much and I always will, but I had forgotten how bad things got. I could of fought and probably stayed in my dream home, but I chose to get out of there because of all the crap that was always going on. I have been remembering things all wrong, until I read my journals.

I began writing in journals back in 1993 or so and I did so until around 2007. So I picked up one of my many empty journals and began writing again today. I wonder how much I have been remembering differently than how it actually happened. Sometimes we need to be reminded of why we chose certain paths. Writing in a journal is a very therapeutic thing to do. You get out your feelings and you can look back on them to see where you were and how far you had come. I also saw how many of my current struggles were struggles back then too. I have not learned from those things if they are still occurring today. One thing is for sure, when you write in a journal, you don’t have to worry about loosing it if something happened to your computer and your online blog. If you do one thing for yourself, make it to write in a journal daily. Time goes by quickly and before you know it, a decade or more has passed. Maybe you were thinking about something that happened too you. If you write in a journal, you can go back and see exactly what it was and how you handled it. Plus, I found that when I made goals in my journal, I accomplished them…

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