Chronic Pain…

Since 2010, I have been in constant pain.  Not just one area, but multiple areas.  Sometimes the pain is tolerable, but still always there.  Most of the time the pain is bad and occasionally it is so bad I can’t stand it anymore.  Any form of bending over jacks my pain up enormously!  So what, do I just sit back or lay down my entire life?  I can’t do that…

I spend 4 hours most days trying to get the basic chores done.  I do one little thing, then I have to sit on pillows for a while, then I do another little thing and so on.  In this window of time, I try my hardest to just clean up my little kitchen, wipe down surfaces and vacuum the small area that I sit in.  Four hours!  I have discovered that I feel better mentally when things are in there place and all is clean.  So day after day, on a repeat cycle, I push myself through pain and do a little thing at a time, just to have a better mental being and to get some movemnet daily.  Then I sit back in a big chair filled with pillows until I am able to go to sleep.  Mind you, the first four hours I am awake, I am unable to do anything.  So 4 hours of trying to get where I can move around, then 4 hours of tidying up with tons of breaks and around 7 hours of waiting to sleep.  This is my life…

The days I have appointments, I am unable to do anything other than try to not have a full blown panic attack, go to the appointment and get back home.  My Panic and Anxiety disorders greatly increase my pain, because my body tenses up and that causes it all to go crazy.  I have suffered with panic and anxiety for 22 years now.  Yes, this is my life…

I have no desire to be with another, yet occasionally I feel pretty lonely.  I have gained weight, stopped wearing makeup and let my hair grow out just so I am not bothered by men.  I have been through hell and back too many times to count.  I am basically just waiting to die.  No socialization, I don’t even want to be around people, but I do miss having a close friend here.  Day after day, all the same…

What really pisses me off is how those of us who are poor cannot get adequate relief.  We are ignored simply because we cannot pay.  There are so many things that could help me, yet I have no way to get those things.  Just trying to survive on a very small fixed income with a mortgage.  I no longer even have a vehicle.  I get $200 a month to buy food with.  The cheapest things are not good for you.  Just being able to afford to eat healthy would help.  So here I remain, on the repeat cycle and isolated from everything…

I Am Done…

I have come to realize that I need to just be done with everyone and everything!  Having Panic & AnxietyDisorder plus Major Depression & Chronic Pain, I NEED Peace, Quiet and Calm around me.  I have already been isolated to my house.  My son lives here too.  So much is needed to be done to my house.  The soffit & facia are rotting away.  There are cobwebs all over the entire outside of the house!  I get very ill in the heat and I am unable to get out there and remove them…  Almost daily, I find more dents and holes in my walls and appliances.  You guessed it… My son is an alcoholic with anger issues.  He won’t do any of the repairs here.  Which is one of many reasons I am going to eventually have to go live with my parents…

I have always had a big heart and cared way too much!  Every since the 3rd husband cheated and left, I have been cold and unable to feel love.  Why Stress & Struggle to keep my home, when it is like paddling up river!  I have to keep telling myself to just not care…

The ‘Darkness’ (depression) has been invading my mind and body for the last few days.  Most likely jacked up due to another sucky birthday on Monday and now the full moon!  I force myself to do the basic chores, even though it causes me more pain, because it is the only way my body gets any exercise at all!  Plus, I am allergic to dust, mold, mildew, pollen and pet dander.  Yes, I have several animals, because I always felt life was better with them…

Every single time I even think about all I have to do in order to prepare to move, I shut down!  I can’t handle any amount of stress anymore.  But my entire life is stress.  Lack of food, lack of funds, lack of it all…

Why can’t I just go to sleep and not wake back up!!!  I don’t have a clue how I am going to do the things needed to be done, just so I can move.  I have no energy at all!  The Pain rules my life and the darkness is sucking me into its pit of hell…

Depression sucks royally allow its own!  Then the Panic & Anxiety crap was thrown in there!  And now, the chronic pain…  So, I am done!  I am just going to make myself not care at all!  Some how, some way!  I try to occupy my mind by watching tv, it does help when I have a show I can binge watch on Netflix.  Ugh, I am so tired and so lifeless…

A Lost Soul….

I never thought I would be here going on 47 years old!  I work and built a great life, then my son died and my husband left and everything went to hell!  I lost a part of me when my son died and my husband chose drugs and cheating over the family we had…

Then, I thought I found true love again, but he was just a lie.  He pretended for almost 3 years to be the perfect guy.  How does someone do that for so long?  His real self came out and I spent years with a liar, thief and just a plain crappy person, because I married him.  He was too young and he left while I was fighting for my life.  I often wish I had died then!  

For 2 years now I have been alone, though I prefer being just me over being with a shitty man.  I feel lonely often, not lonely for a man in my life, but just a friend.  It seems everyone here is either an alcoholic or on drugs.  With my chronic pain, panic, anxiety and agoraphobia I have become a hermit in my home.  No vehicle or money, so I am stuck here anyway…

How did I get here?  I did everything right!  I chose shitty be in my life.  I know going to live with my parents is best for me, but at the same time I feel like I am loosing so much.  I will be able to eat right there and I will actually get to go out and do things.  I have to find a doctor willing to take me on and all my problems and not change my meds!  

I just don’t know why I am even here.  I spend every moment in pain and misery.  Why the heck didn’t I die two years ago?  There has to be a reason!  No one deserves to live on this much pain and misery and be alone…  

Loving Yourself…

One thing is for sure, you have to love yourself before you can ever really love someone else.  When you take the time to find yourself and develop love for yourself, then you know if you do end up in a relationship, that it is out of love and not loneliness!

That old saying is very true, take a year to find yourself after a break up.  I can tell you first hand that relationships begun without finding and loving yourself, never last!  I spent most of my life going from one relationship right to the next.  I often felt like I just could not be alone.  I have been married three times and they were all back to back.  5 years, 16 years and then 8 years.  It began at age 16 and ended at age 45.  This time, I made myself stop and find myself and I realized that I actually really enjoy my own company.  I prefer not having to deal with someone else or their bull, lol!  I love having the bed all to myself and the bathroom completely for me.  I have been just me for over a year now and it is a wonderful place to be!  This does not happen over night though.

First, you have to grieve the loss of the relationship and go through the healing process to get past the pain.  Instead of looking for someone else to fill the void, which No One can make you Happy except You, take time to really find yourself.  Who are you?  Do you even know who you are anymore?  What do you like about yourself?  Is there anything you want to change?  Now is the time to make those changes!  You can be or do anything you put your mind too.  What morals do you have?  What morals would you like to have?  Take the time to care for yourself.  Exfoliate your skin, moisturizer, do your nails, etc.  When we care for ourselves, we feel better about ourselves.  Even the simple act of applying make-up can boost my mood.  What do you find joy in doing?  What is fun for you?  I love doing all kinds of crafts.  If I see something I want, I can usually find a way to make it myself.  In doing this, I also feel accomplished.  That is a wonderful feeling.

Finding out who you really are now, pampering yourself and taking the time to work on positive thinking are all extremely important.  We did not become negative thinkers over night, so this will take practice to change.  How do you do that?  You start out small, by noticing your thoughts and when you have a negative thought you acknowledge that thought, but then replace it with a positive thought.  For instance, you find yourself thinking about the things your ex had done to hurt you.  Stop right then and remind yourself that you are a beautiful and loving being.  The things that happened hurt, but they are also learning experiences.  We can NOT control anyone other than ourselves.  Say out loud something positive, an affirmation!  “I AM Lovable” “I AM all I truly need”. It helps to have a list of positive affirmations to look at when you have negative thoughts.  With practice, you can and will change the negative into the positive.  No matter how spiritually advanced you become, you will have bad days, everyone does.  All you can do is try your best to get through that day or moment of negativity.  Distracting the mind helps a great deal when you find yourself in a bad mood or having a bad day.  This is where knowing what you enjoy to do comes into play.  For me, I clean or work on a craft.  Sometimes my chronic pain is so bad, that all I can do is lay in bed and distract my mind by watching a movie.  So do NOT get yourself down when you have a bad day, it happens to everyone.  

Love yourself and care for yourself like you would a best friend.  Become your own best friend.  You can only truly rely upon and depend on yourself.  We cannot make others do what we want or be true to their word, but we can for ourselves!  Positive self talk!  What would you say to your best friend if he/she felt as you do?  Say that to yourself!  Go places you have always wanted to go.  Eat at restaurants you have wanted to try.  You do not need someone with you to enjoy these things!  All you need is YOU!  Over time, this will get easier and you will find how much you actually do love yourself and enjoy being with just yourself.  For me, after a year, I can honestly say that I prefer to be with just ME!  Now, if someone right were to come along, I would know that if I chose to be with them, it would be out of love and not a need to be with someone and that is a relationship that can last. I am not looking though, because I am very content with just being me………….

  

Time…

I keep forgetting that TIME causes stress.  Living life as much as possible without time, reduces stress for me.  When you feel tired, it doesn’t matter what time it is, go to bed.  It took me years to figure out how to live without time unless I had appointments and sometimes, like now, I forget that time doesn’t matter.  

I have been feeling very tired lately and some days I have gone to bed early, like at 5pm.  It is what it is.  I have days where I feel ill, like when you get the flu and the only thing I can do is go to bed and sleep.  At least I am able to sleep, I am very thankful for that!  I don’t know why this happens to me.  Ever since I almost died last year and had two major surgeries, the last one to save my life, I get ill feeling and very tired often.  When I have a decent day, I try to get some things done around the house.  I never know how many days I will be down.  Living with chronic pain is no fun at all.  If that wasn’t bad enough, add the exhaust and ill feeling crap on top of it now.  I tell the doctors, they never seem to care.  The only thing I can do is go with the flow.

As I sit here, the pain in my let hip is extremely bad.  Feels like I am being repeatedly stabbed in it.  The only thing I can do is lay down off that side and be still, that is the least amount of pain for me.  I often feel like I waste day after day.  Sometimes I say to myself, “I am NOT living at all!”  Now I also deal with pain in the giant incision they had to make in my abdomen to save my life.  It feels like a pinching cramping like sensation.  Wonderful!

Stress makes it all so much worse too.  Worried to death on how to pay my electric bill.  Not able to do anything to even try to make money.  Nothing left to eat in the house but rice.  I try not to dwell on it, since that brings the depression out even more.  I try just to survive and hope that one day things will actually be better.  I have found myself full of all kinds of emotions, but unable to identify them.  Guys that are interested in me ask me out and I have NO desire to even deal with them at all!  I don’t know what has happened to me.  It is like the almost dying, the horrendous pain of the surgery that saved me and then my husband abandoning me has all changed me to something I don’t even like.  I have NO trust left in me.  I can’t seem to stir up any emotion at all in regards to a love.  I feel so much, yet nothing at all.  I want to stop struggling just to survive.  Nothing seems to function right in my body anymore.  I have woke three times over the last two months wetting the bed, when I never wet the bed since I was potty trained.  I have stabbing pain in my very low abdomen which the doctor says is scar tissue.  Who knows for sure anymore.  I am frustrated and tired of everything………….

April 2015

I have been struggling with increased pain recently.  Living here with the negativity and daily stress does affect how I feel.  I am counting down the days to when I leave to visit family up north for five weeks.  My daughter wakes and every single day she immediately begins yelling at her son.  I have repeatedly told her that I cannot take that anymore, yet she still does it.  They all seem to think they should be rewarded for when they actually do something around here, yet I am supposed to treat them like adults, as if we are all just roommates.  I am strongly considering moving up north.  I feel so much better out of this environment, instead of feeling good until someone wakes up and starts yelling.  This feels like the life is being sucked out of me!

I have never had my own life.  I became pregnant and then married at the age of 16 and I have been married three times.  Always went from one husband right to the next one.  This time I have stopped that and I have stayed single.  I tried dating, but found all of the men to be of great disappointment.  So instead, I have been working on myself and I go to the gym three times a week.  I am ready for my own life now.  I deserve my own life.  I have raised my kids and taken care of everyone else ever since I was 16 years old.  I am now 45 years old.  

I do not want to loose my house here, in order to keep it I have to pay the mortgage, that leaves me with little money to take care of myself though.  That is what has been stopping me from just leaving.  Plus, my grandson needs a stable home.

Our minds are very powerful.  What ever you choose to do, you can master!  It is much easier to accomplish when you are in an environment of peace though.  When I took three weeks and went to my parents house, I was in peace and I saw the stress melt off my face!  I began to feel very good about myself as well.  That is the key to our own happiness, our environment!

I do believe I am going to have a difficult time coming back home from my trip up north.  Maybe that will finally be the push that makes me choose myself for once!

Pictures of me now…

   

With my daughter   

With my grandson  

  

Tomorrow is court for my Divorce…

I have had horrible issues with nausea the past several days. I am assuming it is due to the fact I have to go to court in the morning to finalize my divorce. Not thrilled about having to see my ex and I am worried about if I will be awarded alimony or not. I need it to be able to survive. Life has been a constant struggle. I am so tired of men promising me everything then just leaving in the end. Married three times, you would think I would of gave up before now. But no, I always see the best in people and trust in them.

I have to print out all the bills to prove that I can not afford to pay the court reporter fees too. I just want it to be over and done with so my body can relax. Having panic and anxiety has made this all so very unbearable. I have to take medication just so I can go to court and that makes it hard for me to think clearly. So, I have to have everything prepared clearly and hope the judge does not need me to verbally tell her things. I have to have someone drive me, because my panic won’t allow me to drive myself.

I am still pushing onward with positive thoughts and practicing self love. I have had a lot of bumps in the road this last week due to the stress and anxiety, but I won’t give up. Everything happens for a reason, I firmly believe that!

Every single day of my life goes like this…
I wake up, sit up and take my meds, check my email and Facebook and read articles. After about 1 1/2- 2 hours I feel like I can get dressed and do so. If I am watching my grandson, I make sure to wake up two hours before I have to watch him. Then, I come out of my room and I clean the kitchen and vacuum the house, which takes two hours, because I have to take several breaks. Every single day I do this. Then if I feel able, I try to clean something else or do laundry, etc. Usually, around 4pm I start to feel hungry and I look for something to eat. Most of the time it will be vegetarian vegetable soup or a half of a peanut butter sandwich. On occasion, we have something to cook for dinner, which is usually once or twice a week. Around this same time I start to feel very down and out. I get extremely tired and could just go to sleep. I take a nap if I am not watching my grandson. Otherwise, I force myself to stay awake. Not one day goes by that I do not deal with anxiety, panic, depression, pain and stress. I feel crappy until I go to bed, which was 8pm last night. Then I repeat this every day of my life.

I know keeping my mind busy is key in keeping the panic attacks and deep depression at bay, but some days I feel so horrible or I hurt so much I am unable to do the things that occupy my mind. I always, repeat positive affirmations and self love statements. However, some days, like today, I just feel so darn tired of repeating the same thing over and over. When will things be better? When will I not have to struggle to survive? When will I finally have a day that I am not in horrible pain? When will I have a day where the deep darkness doesn’t engulf me? When will I find a true and real Loving Man? But…… I have to push on and I have act like everything is ok. In the giant hope, that one day it will be. I believe what we put out comes back to us. So saying all those negative things is not good at all. Now I say positive things, hoping, that it will correct the negative I just sent out.

I AM Grateful for my family, home, animals, clothes, food….
I AM a Beautiful Human Being…
I AM happy and full of life…
I AM a Strong and Resilient Person…
I AM Loveable…

The sun is shinning today and it is very pretty outside. We will be in the 70’s today. I will enjoy the afternoon in the sun and get some vitamin D. I will take my grandson down to the neighbors and visit for a bit today. But first, I must complete my chores and take a shower………….

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Me, looking happy!!!