Tired of being screwed because I am Poor…

I have shopped at Amazon.com for many many years.  Now they have made several items I get only available to Prime Members.  I try to survive on my very small disability income and I do everything I possibly can to obtain gift cards for Amazon in order to get things I need.  They also have increased the minimum purchase for free shipping if you are not Prime to $49!  I would get Prime if I could, but I cannot!  I am so tired of being screwed over because I am poor…

I messaged them in regaurds to this and of course, no one really cares!  They gave my a $20 Promotion Code.  I still can’t buy many things I used to get there cheaper than anywhere now, because I can not afford Prime!  Maybe if enough poor people complained to Amazon they would do something about it.  Every place is just after money and for themselves.  What ever happened to caring people, the ones who would help others?  It seems that the world has long been only about themselves…

I live every moment of my life in Pain, Chronic Pain, that is never gone; but often gets horrid!  When you are poor, you’re not able to obtain help that could benefit you or get supplements that may help you and so on…

I have a mortgage and I get $810 a month!  I can’t even cover all of the utilities, yet where I live, I cannot even get help with them!  I cannot live anywhere else for as low as my mortgage is either.  I am very grateful for my home though!  I just wish I wasn’t constantly screwed over…

I often see posts about how people who get Foodstamps eat so well.  It sure is not the case for me.  Tell me how I am supposed to eat on $150 a month?  I do not have any money to buy an extra food either, so what I get on Foodstamps is it!  I feel best when I eat healthy, yet I can afford to do that…

I no longer have a running vehicle, I am unable to repair it, because I have NO money!  There is rotten wood on my house, but I can’t fix it, because I have nothing left after the mortgage and what I can cover of utilities!  I am at my wits end, as if it isn’t horrid enough to live every single day of my life in pain………….

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My Trip to visit Family after 9 Years…

I left my house on May 21st and I do not return home until June 30th.  I have been here for 4 weeks now.  It has been nice seeing my family after so long.  I have seen a few friends from high school as well and I am amazed at how we pick up right where we left off as if it has not been almost 30 years.  

Unfortunately, one of the guys I knew in high school is not currently the man I thought he was.  Live and learn and move on.  I refuse to allow anyone in my life that does not fit well.  No more will I have someone who has to drink in my life or someone who does drugs.  If they can’t make me a priority, then so long.  I really do prefer the life of friends instead of relationships.  Relationships always end up being a disappointment to me, due to expectations.  I like being care free and free for the most part.  Carefree in my relationships.  Unfortunately, I am unable to be carefree when it comes to my family.  That is about to change!

My daughter has repeatedly gone back to drugs and I had to kick her out again.  This was and is the final time she will ever be allowed back.  She constantly chose drugs over her own child and disrespected me in every way, even though she lived in my home.  I now have to struggle to find a way to pay the two bills that were her responsibility instead of paying me rent, but I will figure it out!  I can finally get my house back in order and live a much more peaceful life when I return home.  The daily screaming and cussing that came out of her mouth as soon as she woke will be no more.  

I have 11 more days here.  I have found myself becoming bored and I definitely made this trip way too long, but it also gives me time to think and review where I am now.  I still have times where I get so depressed that suicide crosses my mind.  The absolute peace and no more worry of it all.  But I have the little bit of doubt inside as to what happens to us when we die.  That keeps me here.  I have been rough so much it is a good thing I don’t care for alcohol, because I am sure if I liked it, I would be a drunk by now.  The weather here is so nice.  Today is beautiful, in the 70’s and a gorgeous breeze.  Back home it’s is near 100 and ever so humid!  

No matter what, we must keep that ounce of hope alive within us that things will one day be much better.  Carry ourselves through the rough patches and hard times.  Arrive at a place of beauty and peace.  I often wish I could go back and make different choices so I did not have to endure so much heart ache, but those things did make me who I am today and I am a very good person.  For that, I am proud…………. 

     

So Tired of the Stress…

I had to kick my daughter out again, for the absolute final time.  She has been on drugs and refuses to follow any rules.  She is snorting some sort of pills and is a psychotic mess.  I have called her probation officer and asked them to please drug test her.  She is on probation for beati me in my head while I was driving.  There is supposed to be NO violence, but she has had plenty of violence and nothing is being done about it.  Thankfully she left her son at my house.  That poor kid has been through so damn much.

Now I am stressed out trying to find a way to cover the two bills she was paying instead of paying me rent.  I want to end my constant misery, yet I have begged everyone and anyone for help, to no avail.  When will I just finally give up and stop living in his hell?

I just need the two bills covered for this month.  All the things I have done for people all my life, but no one is there when I need help.  To step so low as I have to beg for help and still be ignored.  Everyone says I am so beautiful and my smile lights up the room.  Yet, I am so depressed and full of fear inside.  A part of me hopes there is something more for me in this life.  I have been through so damn much and I am getting too damn old to be starting over again………….

I broke down and set up an account with Go Fund Me in hopes some people will donate so I can pay the bills.  I shared it on my Facebook and I also included the link below.  It feels so low inside of me.  To get to the point that I have to beg for help form someone.  I thought my family would help me, but they all say they have no money to give.  My parents are struggling to live on retirement now.  That’s what they tell me anyway.  Makes me wonder how they would feel if I blew my brains out.  Would they think, gee, I wish I would of helped her when I had the chance…

Go Fund Me Website is… Gofundme.com/LaurieMorris

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Wham… Destruction, Chaos & Depression…

I had two days where everything and everyone was calm. I even was able to get some cleaning done. It is amazing how stress and the people around you can deeply affect your pain levels and mood.

Yesterday, my daughter received her final check from work. She decided not to pay my son for the babysitting he did that week. Even though I told her it was wrong to do that! My son spent the entire day and night bitching at me and telling me I had better do something about it or he was going to have fits of rage and destroy things. He then took anything his girlfriend bought for the house and put it in his bedroom, which included the fabric softener I have her buy since I pay for the stuff and make the laundry detergent. I told him not to do the crap to me and make my life even more of a hell or take it out on my grandson. He said they would not be taking him to his therapy appointments anymore. Hours upon hours of him going at me and telling me I better kick my daughter and grandson out of this house or I would have hell to pay. Of course, my pain levels went through the roof. I cried and I told my daughter she had better find a way to fix this mess she created. She feels like she did no wrong since he refused to watch her son and she had to quit working. They are both way too immature!

Instead of being glad they actually have a mother and roof over their head, they are making my life a living hell. My son even told me that I was going to loose everyone if I allowed my daughter to stay here. Wow! Last night I decided I was no longer going to struggle and fight to stay alive. Not in this hell I live in. I just can’t do it anymore. My pain levels are beyond help when I have to deal with them and their petty crap. I am going to give it all until Wednesday and see if he does all the crappy things he has threatened, then I will decide if I need to dig really deep down inside for the strength to get me out of this hell I live in. I had thought things were finally settling down and I might actually get to live and survive this life.

I finally heard from the hospital about my hysterectomy surgery. They said it would be after next Tuesday before they could call me with my surgery date. That the doctor was out until then and he had to look at their OR schedule and his schedule and see when he could fit me in. Geeze, now if wonder how long it will be before I finally get the surgery. I have felt hungry all the time and been eating way too much, I have gained almost ten pounds in this last month. Not good. Depression, stress, worry and pain are just sucking the life right out of me! My family actually could help me through all of this and help me have less pain if they would grow up and get along and put me before their own crap. They will be very sorry one day, but it will be way too late by then. The stress of it all also has me smoking way too much.

I cannot even sit here without horrible crushing pain. I was unable to go out for breakfast this morning because of the intensity of the pain. I don’t get the offer to go out very often and it sucks that I was unable to go today! I wish I would just go to sleep and never wake up. I know when you finally give up completely, your body will die. Why I continue to hold on to even the tiniest of things is beyond me. I more than deserve some peace in my life. I do the right thing and I always care for others. I have lived through way too many tragedies in this life too. Shall I count the ways……

1. Lost my son to a car accident when he was 16 in 2003!
2. Lost my sister to cancer in 2000!
3. Survived a gang attack in 2010!
4. 2nd husband cheated and left and I lost everything I worked years for in 2006!
5. I survived being poisoned by that same husband too!
6. Deathly ill in 1984 with mono which I had again in 2006!
7. Tonsils removed in 1983, tubal in 1992 & gallbladder in 2005!
8. Had a lingering case of 5th disease back in 1994, was extremely ill for months on end!
9. 16 years of mental abuse from 2nd husband 1990-2006!
10. Given a conclusion from hubby #2 in 1991!
11. Current husband up and left me in 2009 for 5/6 weeks!
12. Years of severe panic attacks and agoraphobia where I couldn’t leave my home for six months at a time, which reoccurred every two years like clock work. 1995-2001, sporadic issues since as well.
13. Physically abused by youngest son in 2006 & 2007!
14. Severe depression, panic attacks, anxiety and borderline personality disorder for most of my life!
15. Locking my bedroom door at night for fear of my son!
16. Living with absolutely no support what so ever from my family!
17. Multiple counts of rape!
18. Molested as a child by more than one person!

I could keep going, but that’s the jest of it all I guess. The top traumas being the loss of my son and surviving the gang attack. Both of those left me with PTSD issues and deep trauma that has never healed. There is no way to get over the loss of your child. He was the one child I had that was always here for me and we were very close. I ask myself often what the hell I had done that was so horrible to deserve this life. If I could go back to around age 14, I would change it all in a heartbeat. I would never have children, the pain of loosing one and then dealing with the hell the other two have given me! I would pay attention in school and go on to college and make a career for myself that I loved. I would never have to count on anyone else. But, we cannot go back and change anything. We only have what is right now, before us. There is not much I can do with the way things are. I have to get out one way or another. Whether I physically up and leave or I go back to live with God again. There has to be an end to this nightmare. I could go live with my parents, though I will have loneliness issues there. I cannot run from my mental problems, they are always with me. I am going to be 45 this year and I cannot even remember a joyous time in my life, even as a child I was riddled with fear and panic. I feel like I am backed into a corner. It’s pretty sad when you have to leave the house you own in order to survive any further in life. I could toss everyone out, but I wouldn’t be able to pay the utility bills. I ran my own business and made very good money. I have lived both ends of the stick, rich and poor. I worked hard and had everything I ever wanted, just to have it all ripped from me in a blink of an eye………….

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Dark circles under my eyes. No make up, because it takes too much energy to apply! This is where I spend most of my life, in the bathroom, alone!

I Don’t Even Know Where To Begin…

I wish I recorded all the crap that was said and done today. Just so I could recall all of it. My daughter got a job and she was gone all day yesterday, while she was gone I cleaned the kitchen and straightened up some stuff. I did what I could and I did a bit too much cause I ended up crying in pain. Today she worked all day again. I started to clean up the kitchen, then “B” and my son has bad attitudes with me. Turns out they were jealous that I was doing what they felt was my daughters chore and that I do everything for her and nothing for them. Come on already! I have enough crap to deal with! I can hear everything they say when I am in my room too.

I needed gas in the car in order to get my daughter to and from work and they refused to help with it. “B” said it was her problem not his and how much he hates her. Then my son got pissy with me when my grandson was wanting me for something. My son told me to shut up and go clean the damn kitchen like I am supposed too. Yeah, in my own house, I have to live like this! I ended I up crying and then into a huge fight with “B”. Then I cried more. He is horrible towards me and he doesn’t see it. The stress causes me to smoke even more.

It’s been raining all day here too, which increases my pain levels. I had to go this morning for the follow up ultrasound on the growths on my ovaries. Surprisingly, the technician told me what she could see. She said the right ovary looked good, but the left did have a rather large growth and that I had fibroids with one in the center of my uterus being large. I never heard of the fibroids before. Now, I wait for my appointment next Thursday to go over the tests and schedule my hysterectomy. I am praying it is able to be done using the robot. That way I won’t have a huge cut down my abdomen but rather four smaller cuts.

Oh, what I would give to have some support around here. Heck, just to be spoken to nicely. Days like today are when I wish I would go to sleep and never wake back up again………….

Pondering Things…

I have an email in my box today that says no sender, no message and no content, but the date it shows as the date it was sent is 12/31/69? I was born in August of 1969. It’s so weird and crazy…

I have lived my entire life with mental illness and bouts with major depression. It never ceases to catch me off guard how down I can find myself. Have you ever just sat quietly and tried to explore what it is you are actually feeling? I am sitting out back and it’s quiet other than the water sound from a small pond on my porch. I asked myself, “What exactly are you feeling?” It is hard to really know what it is that i am feeling. I have to really relax myself and search inside. I feel sadness, physical pain, alone, stress and exhaustion! I can hear birds chirping and vehicles going by along with the sound of water flowing in the pond. I also hear an occasional airplane and dogs bark in the distance. A gentle breeze is caressing my skin. I look around and I see the beauty in nature. The rich greens of spring time. Seeing, hearing and feeling nature are very pleasant.

I want to escape the physical pain that I am in every minute of every day. I want to disappear in nature and feel only the soft breeze on my skin. I want to no longer feel as though I am being swallowed in a dark cloud of depression. I take any moment I can find to slip into nature and separate myself from the world of pain and suffering I live in. Even when it is only seconds that I can find.

I began to think of times when I felt very happy. Then I realized why those times were also so short lived. Because I felt happy due to something I bought myself or was able to play with. At first it is new and exciting and you feel happy, but money can NOT buy happiness. Happiness is a feeling that we can create with or without money. That is why when we feel happy for a short time after we are able to buy something we want, it is so short lived.

“B” is very happy today, because he is going out to buy a truck that he wants. This is what got me to thinking about happiness and how it is quickly gone when we try to find it through money. There are so many things we need here and the money for that vehicle isn’t going to help anyone being wasted on something that is not even needed. It will just make him feel good for a few days! The car I bought years ago for my son after he passed away, “B” got rid of it. Oh, now I see where my deep darkness is stemming from. Now he is going to have what he wants and the car that represented my dead son is gone! Well, it took a while, but now I really know what is eating at me so deeply! Honestly, there are several things that have brought me to this point, but now I am finally seeing what is eating at me so deeply!

I have to really work on and try to find happiness for myself………….

Frustration, On Edge…

One of the things that sometimes occurs with my BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, is that I go through time where I feel so alone and I get very down. During times like this I tend to order things online. I guess I am trying to find a way to make myself feel better. Unfortunately, I don’t have the funds to really pay for these things. It causes more problems for me.

Lately, I have been stressed out on how to get things I need. I no longer received any child support and that was how I would pick up things as they were needed. The money I do get once a month is gone the day I get it on the mortgage and the two bills I have to pay on. I have NO support system at all here. I try to talk to “B” and he will never listen to me or really engage with me in any conversation. My son and daughter cause a ton of drama and they rarely ever talk with me. My daughter actually spends most of the day screaming and acting psychotic. I am feeling so very alone and abandoned!

I just tried to talk to “B” about the issues I have with feeling stressed over getting things that are needed and my problem of buying things when I feel so trapped in this BPD cloud. He just snapped at me and he says hurtful things. He complained that he had to purchase the mattress for my grandsons bed and I had ordered a fitbit band in one of my BPD moments. I understand his frustration with me, but I did well and the entire year last year I did not buy a single thing. If only he was supportive and helpful instead of every interaction being negative!

My daughter woke at 8am and screamed, cussed and was psychotic until about a half an hour ago. I told her she needed to calm down and she just jumped all over me. She was pissed do off at first because she couldn’t find the remote to the TV and she was screaming at me about it. I found the remote under the chair. She just couldn’t get up off the couch and look herself! Hearing her screaming causes me to tense up and that increases my pain. I have been extremely irritable lately from so much negativity and I feel like I am going to just snap.

I am always alone and usually hiding in my room to avoid being screamed at. My grandson, who is four years old, was upset when he was sent to his room by his mother and took a puzzle piece and his hand and smashed the glass in his bedroom window. The poor kid has some serious anger issues and I had spent a year working on it with him, he was doing better, then his mother came back and it all went out the window!

I am finding myself crying and feeling just so darn alone. I have to take my daughter to the store so she can use a gift card to buy sheets for my grandsons bed. They will be getting a bunk bed set delivered tomorrow. It is twin on top and full on the bottom and will help clear up the small room the two of them are in right now together. My daughters full mattress is on the floor and my grandson is sleeping in a toddler bed and there is no room for him to play in there and I cannot even get to the window in that room. I want to go to the store and get it over with, but she is so horrible to be around.

I know how important it is to have someone that you can talk to and share your feelings with. I have absolutely no one here! I see the GYN oncologist tomorrow morning. I am expecting that he will be scheduling a biopsy of the growths on my ovaries. The left one being very large and pushing my uterus to the right. I have had horrible pain for more than two weeks now that I cannot seem to catch a break from. It has been spreading and increasing over the last three years and we just accidentally found these growths. I do worry about it being cancer, as I do fit all the symptoms of that. I just wish I had someone I could really talk to about it all. If I talk about how bad I hurt, “B” tells me he doesn’t want to hear it.

I am having a melt down… I feel I am loosing my mind and as if there is nothing left to hold on to anymore………….