Depression finds me yet again….

My spouse has been gone well over a month now. I felt happy and relieved of all the negativity he brought into the home. But, now I have been fighting with some serious depression the last few days. I know this happens to me sometimes, but it has been extremely difficult to want to be alive!

All I ever wanted was to be married to one man and be with that man until I died. I didn’t ask for men that lied and cheated, then left! I never deserved any of it! I hate trying to find someone that seems to fit with me. Just a boyfriend to see once a week even would be nice, for the intimate touching and togetherness. I seem to have men that just want to have sex or men that are liars and fakes or men I am not attracted to at all. It seems to me that all men must be liars and cheaters. I have never known a man that wasn’t one. My father even was. I want to find my best friend, that I can talk to about anything. Someone that doesn’t feel the need to drink all the time or lie constantly. And one who has enough energy to go out and do things.

I have an ultrasound this Thursday and next Wednesday I am supposed to get the stent removed from my ureter. I’m also having full body hot flashes several times a day now. Maybe I need to be on hormones.

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Pre-Op Appointment…

I went yesterday for my pre-op visit with the anesthesiologist. My pain level has been off the charts lately and sitting waiting for them to call me had me in more and more pain. I was called back by a nurse to get my vitals and weight. Then I sat more. I was then called back by another nurse to go over all my medications and information. She handed me a small bottle of antiseptic soap and told me that I must shower and use this soap from the neck down the morning before my surgery and again that night, then one more time the morning of my surgery before I came into the hospital. I have never had to do that before any other surgery I had. It is the same antiseptic soap that the surgeons use on their hands before operating. You can not use anything on your skin after washing with it. No lotion, cream or power. Not even perfume. I was then put back to sit more in the waiting room for the first nurse to take me and do an EKG, then back in the waiting room to wait for the anesthesiologist to call me back. She asked a bunch of that same questions I already answered with the nurse and she listened to my breathing and looked in my mouth and throat. They told me that I could take all of my usual medication that morning with no more than 4 oz. of water.

So all my before the surgery stuff is now done. I just have to wait two weeks and then call a number after 6pm to see what time I am to show up for my surgery. I made my lists of things to get done before surgery and a list of what everyone here needs to do while I am recovering from surgery. I also made a list of what to pack for my two day stay in the hospital.

My pain levels have been so high. Horrible crushing pain through out my pelvis. Today it was more on the left side and yesterday it was more on the right side. I just can’t catch a break from the unrelenting pain. I am exhausted beyond words both physically and mentally. I take everything I have for the pain and usually get a bit of the edge off of the pain in the afternoon, but I then feel very loopy and tired!

It is super hot and humid and it usually is here. So you can not be outside comfortably at all ever. I guess I will go back in and lay in the chair again………….

Two Poems about my Chronic Pain…

MY DISEASE

How much torture can one person TAKE?
Every second my body continues to ache!
Why can’t I just get a break?
What decisions do I have to make?.

Can I possibly survive THIS?
My life I truly miss!
I am so far gone in the abyss!
Waiting for it all too finally dismiss!

Way too much suffering in PAIN!
I feel like I have been hit by a train!
So much more than a cut, bruise or sprain!
I think I would rather just be slain!

Is it possible for it all to just go AWAY?
I don’t even have the energy to play!
Every single day is set on replay!
I just want to finally feel okay!

I am begging you PLEASE!
Let my suffering ease!
No more pain in my back, feet and knees!
How much longer do I have to live with this disease?

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CHRONIC PAIN

I hurt so very deeply
A pain that Never ends
As if I fell so steeply
And I have lost all of my friends

Chronic is my pain
Within every ounce of my being
It even hurts in my brain
What is this life that I am seeing

No matter what I do
I suffer every day
Begging to start anew
There has to be another way

I desperately need a break
From this torturous hell
I have so much at stake
I am nothing more than a shell

I feel I am running out of time
I may already be too late
No more can I continue to climb
Is this really just my fate?